Total Drama World Tour: The Animator's Cut
by Mr. Panama Red
Summary: A remake of Total Drama World Tour inspired by the great Lord Akiyama's "Total Drama Action Redux". Not all locations and challenges will be the same but the story is pretty good. Read and Review.
1. Super Happy Crazy Fun Time Japan

**Inspired by Lord Akiyama's "Total Drama Action Redux".**

**Here's the deal, in this version of T****otal Drama World Tour, I'm going to make things go the way I feel they should have. Not all the locations visited will be the same as on the show and not all the challenges from the show's location will be the same.**

**The first two episodes, which would be the Egypt ones "Walk Like An Egyptian" parts one and two are the same as on the show in this story, so they won't be re-written. The only difference is that the whole "DJ animal curse thing" doesn't happen since it was lame. **

**The songs will be mostly original and well…**

**Here goes the chapter…**

**

* * *

**

The Total Drama Jumbo Jet made its way across the sky in the early afternoon and the cast of the show either suffered or enjoyed its innards. In the first class cabin, the members of Team Amazon were enjoying a much deserved luxurious rest.

Gwen was reading a book about the life of Salvador Dalí while one of the interns gave her a shoulder rub; Heather was relaxing in the hot tub; Courtney was eating from a box of chocolates and Cody was sleeping while Sierra took multiple pictures of him.

"Sierra, what are you doing?" Courtney asked, quite disturbed by the sight.

"Oh, I just realized how adorable Cody looks while he's asleep so I thought I might as well take some pictures of him for my Facebutt account." The fangirl answered.

"You say Cody is adorable all the time." Courtney countered.

"Oh yeah, but when he's awake he tries to run away from me while I take the pictures." Sierra justified.

"I'm just going to ignore what you're doing now." Courtney said.

"Maybe you should. Go back to eating your chocolates; it'll help you get over missing Duncan faster." Sierra told her.

"Whoa! I am not eating these chocolates to get over the fact that Duncan left the show, leaving me alone, despite the fact that he promised we would stick together no matter what and…"

At that point Courtney began to get teary eyed and proceeded to wail and run off to the nearest bathroom.

"You just totally made Courtney cry." Heather said, a bit shocked. "Sierra, I'm liking you more every minute."

"Thanks." The fangirl said and continued taking pictures of the snoozing Cody.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather** – "When I first saw Sierra she seemed like she would be absolutely useless, annoying and absolutely unbearable. Though the latter two things are true, it turns out that she's not all that useless after all. If she can read people that well I should keep her on my side to make sure I know what's on everybody's minds. /_Grins wickedly/_ I think mama smells a brand new alliance.

**Courtney** – "The reason I just pathetically burst into tears and ran to the bathroom to cry it out isn't because I miss Duncan. It's because I was saddened that Sierra could make such a lousy assumption. Somebody with such terrible perception skills must have it hard in the real world. I don't miss Duncan at all. I don't miss his bad boy attitude, his ruggedness, his charm, his tender side, the way he made me feel pressure-less and special and the way he…_/Sobs slightly/_ Goddamn it Courtney, keep it straight! _/She slaps herself/_ Ouch!

**

* * *

**

In the lower cabin most fo the contestants were huddled together, trying to fit in the small benches. Team Victory was on the left bench and Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot was on the right one.

"I wonder where they're taking us for our next challenge." Bridgette pondered out loud.

"I hope they take us to France, I always wanted to go shopping there." Lindsay squealed.

"You want to get some high Paris fashion, Lindsay?" Tyler asked.

"Oh no Taylor, I want some high fashion from France not from Texas." Lindsay replied.

"She knows Paris, Texas but not Paris, France." Noah remarked sardonically. "Amazing."

Then the P.A. System activated and Chef Hatchet's thundering voice could be heard throughout the plane.

"This is your pilot telling you that all passengers should strap onto their seats for the air control tower has warned us that a vicious Godzilla attack is about to happen in…now."

Suddenly the airplane was rocked and then stopped completely. The contestants began to struggle to strap onto their seats but most of them were late and the plane suddenly began to shake wildly, swinging most of them around and causing them to hit things and people around them.

Suddenly the motion stopped and the plane was lowered onto the ground. Most of the contestants had been rocked around and injured…in fact all of them except Courtney got shaken around.

"Fortunately, my thorough following of plane safety instructions spared me that painful shaking." Courtney commented snidely.

"If you don't shut up I'll give you a painful shaking!" Heather yelled at Courtney.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, heather." Courtney said cockily as she got off her seat. "I'm highly trained in hand-to-hand combat."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm…"

Heather approached Courtney menacingly while delivering her threat but as soon as she was close enough, Courtney shot her palm forward in a karate chop and slammed it into Heather's neck. The black haired girl collapsed on the floor and made squirming noises as she found herself unable to move her body.

Courtney looked down at Heather with a confident smirk while Gwen approached her, cackling madly.

"Where did you learn to do that'" Gwen asked, trying to hold back her laughter.

"My karate instructor, Mr. Wong, taught me how to do so after my successful black belt testing. It's called the Lin Slice. It'll leave her paralyzed from the neck down for ten minutes." Courtney explained.

"You have got to teach me how to do that." Gwen said.

In the lower cabin, the other contestants struggled to get up.

"Is everybody OK?" Bridgette asked.

"I think I'm fine, though my chest feels heavier." Lindsay muttered.

The blonde stood up and looked down to find that Noah was on her chest…with his face jammed in her cleavage.

"Phwease phelp me." Noah yelled in a mumbled voice.

Tyler got up and looked at the scene and promptly yelled like a little girl before charging at Lindsay and pulling Noah from her shirt.

"What do you think you were doing?" Tyler yelled in anger.

"I was dying by being smothered by a hormonally overdeveloped blonde's ridiculously large mammaries." Noah replied casually. "It was disturbing."

The bookworm proceeded to walk away, appearing absolutely oblivious to the envy of his fellow males and indifferent to the fact that he had just lived out one of their biggest dreams.

"I don't know why, but Noel suddenly seems more attractive to me." Lindsay said.

"That guy is a GENIUS!" Harold yelled.

**

* * *

****(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen** – I always figured that Noah was pretty book smart and strategy smart and math smart and history smart and science smart _/Fast forward/_ …And macramé smart but I never knew he was a genius with the ladies. He plays it cooler than Keanu Reeves and Keanu is the coolest dude in coolworld!

**

* * *

**

"Man, I thik I hurt my fabulous head." LeShawna said as she tried to get up.

"Let me help you out, señorita." Alejandro said. "Such a beautiful body can't be damaged any further."

"Why thank you." LeShawna said, blushing.

From a distance, Harold looked on this nervously but convinced himself it was nothing.

The entire cast was gathered in the cafeteria when the cabin door opened, revealing a smiling Chris McClean.

"Hello children!" Chris exclaimed.

"Hello Chris." Owen replied, earning glares and befuddled looks from most contestants.

"Today's challenge will be in the land of giant monsters, crazy game shows, bizarre punishments and ancient emperors…"

"Japan!" Harold yelled excitedly.

Chris glared at the nerd and proceeded to approach him. He reached into his pocket and drew a stun gun, which he promptly slammed into Harold's neck. The nerd shook as his muscles convulsed due to the electric blast.

"Even though Harold ruined the surprise…Yes, we are in Japan." Chris announced. "Now please step outside the plane."

The cast followed instructions and left the plane, finding themselves in a landing strip in the middle of a Japanese rice field. At the end of the runway was a large building.

"Where's Chef?" DJ asked.

"Is he dressing up as a monster to scare us?" Gwen asked rhetorically.

"No, but now that you mentioned monsters…"

Suddenly a giant foot slammed down next to the contestants. When they looked up they saw the giant monster from the Total Drama Action studio.

"Say hello to Godzilla!" Chris yelled.

"That's not Godzilla. It doesn't look like Godzilla at all." Harold criticized.

Chris glared at him and pulled out a megaphone.

"Get the redhead first." Chris yelled at the monster through the megaphone.

The monster nodded and growled, prompting the cast to scream and run away as the beast chased them.

**

* * *

**

Elsewhere on a hill near the rice field, three men looked at the scene through binoculars. The men wore black suits and red ties. All three had sunglasses on, despite the fact that they complicated looking through the binoculars. Near them was a private jet which had a hot tub, a flat screen TV, a PS3, warm showers and tons of other luxuries. There was also a set-up of TV's which gave image to several cameras placed on the inside of the building at the end of the runway. All three men pulled down their binoculars simultaneously in a creepy fashion.

These men were the show's producers. The man standing in the middle that had jet black hair and was considerably tall was Damian Hellburn, an American former mob boss. The one on the right with combed-back brown hair and oddly tanned skin was the "silent but deadly" former British assassin Carter Denham and the last one who was noticeably pale with messy brown hair was Manuel Alberti, a former member of the Argentine Anticommunist Alliance, a notorious paramilitary anti-guerrilla organization.

"This is going well." Damian proclaimed.

"They are suffering, that brings in ratings." Alberti agreed.

Carter nodded.

"Courtney was visibly saddened over Duncan. She won't break up with him over him quitting." Damian declared.

"They'll stay together, that brings in ratings." Alberti proclaimed.

Carter nodded.

"Gwen appears to have some feelings for Duncan." Damian said.

"She might try to break-up one of our biggest crowd-drawers. That takes away ratings." Alberti concluded.

Carter nodded.

"We can't let her." Damian said.

"Absolutely not." Alberti said.

Carter shook his head.

"We should stop talking in this synchronized annoying manner." Damian proclaimed.

"Oh thank God, that was making me really nauseous." Alberti announced. "Let's go play 'Halo', I'm going to kick your asses."

**

* * *

**

The contestants were standing on a studio in the building at the end of the runway.

"Where's Chris, y'all?" DJ asked.

Suddenly the room's lights flared on and the contestants were then shown a large flash studio. The studio consisted of three podiums for the contestants, one podium for the host, a spinning wheel with several words and pictures on it and a group of twenty-four small screens on a wall with numbers on them and categories written above each column of screens.

Chris McClean emerged from under the host podium, wearing his old light-blue tux from Total Drama Action.

"Welcome contestants to Super Happy Crazy Boogie Time Game Show!" Chris yelled.

"Awesome! I love Japanese games shows!" Tyler yelled. "Like that one where the contestants have to throw a banana…"

"…With a giant shrimp-fork!" Harold and Tyler finished in unison.

"Yes contestants, a Japanese game show. Only that instead of focusing on the bizarre angle of these wacky oriental contests; we here at Total Drama have decided to go with the more cruel angle." Chris explained. "So, Supper Happy Crazy Boogie Time Game Show is basically a game where contestants have to pick a category and then answer questions about it…"

"That's exactly like 'Jeopardy'." Harold pointed out.

Chris glared at the redhead and proceeded to pull out his stun gun. He aimed it at the dork and immediately fired the electric pins at his forehead, giving him a serious electrical discharge which took him down.

"Moving on…there's a catch. If you are unable to answer your question correctly, you will have to spin the Wheel of Horrible Punishments and endure a horrible punishment. If a contestant has to endure a horrible punishment, he or she is eliminated and somebody else from their team must step up. The team that doesn't lose all its members to the fateful wheel is the winner!" Chris explained. "Now, every time pick a first representative and put them behind the podium."

Team Amazon huddled together and began to discuss their pick.

"OK, I think I should be the one to represent our team, since I am clearly the smartest one here." Courtney said.

"As if…If somebody is the smartest here it's me." Heather said. "I played everybody during season one."

"You didn't play me, Heather." Courtney rebutted. "Plus, this is book smarts we need…not bitch smarts."

"Why you…"

Heather attempted to grab Courtney again, but the brunette simply gave her another Lin Slice and took her down.

"Anybody object to Courtney stepping us first?" Cody asked, quite freaked.

Gwen and Sierra shook their heads, staring petrified at the stunned Heather.

"Good." Courtney proclaimed.

On Team Victory's area, the team decided pretty quickly.

"I think Harold should go for us." DJ said.

"Really?"

"Yeah babydoll, you're the smartest one here." LeShawna said. "You gonna kick some major butt!"

"I'll do it!" Harold exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Team CIRRRRH also discussed who to send in first.

"I think that I have an idea who could go." Noah said.

"I think I ought to be our first choice." Alejandro said.

"What?" Noah asked indignant.

"Oh yeah." The rest of the team replied.

Noah looked on at this in frustration.

**

* * *

****Noah** – I don't tend to judge people too much based on their moral codes, but rather on their practical work. I don't care that Alejandro is a sleazy, manipulative con-man who is obviously trying to use his charm to have control over Lindsay, LeShawna and Bridgette; but I do care that he made the mistake of not putting the smartest guy up for the intelligence challenge. Good riddance to him. As soon as he fails they'll surely pick me.

* * *

The representative contestants placed themselves behind a particular podium and the game show began.

"Alright contestants, you can pick from one of the following categories: History, TV & Film, World Culture, States That Begin With 'Californ', Potent Potables and Music." Chris announced. "Team Amazon, since you won the last contest you get to pick first."

"OK." Courtney said. "I'll take Music."

Chris pressed a button on his podium and the screen below 'Music' with the number 600 flashed and revealed the text "What is Chris McClean's favorite musical?"

"What?" Courtney yelled.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Most questions have to do with me." Chris said, grinning. "Ready to surrender?"

"Not really, since you're a self-centered jerk you probably like a musical about absolute self-glorification and desire to be in the spotlight." Courtney deduced. "It's 'Funny Girl', isn't it?"

Chris stared at her wide-eyed and slackjawed.

"I don't like you very much." Chris said. "…And yes it is 'Funny Girl."

"Your favorite musical is called 'Funny Girl'?" Harold said mockingly.

Chris raised his stun gun and blasted Harold with the electrodes again. After he got up, Chris talked to him.

"OK Mr. Mockery, it's your turn. Pick a category." Chris said.

"I'll take World Culture." Harold said.

"OK."

The screen flashed on and showed the text "Why do people in other countries love Chris McClean?"

"What? How am I supposed to know that?" Harold yelled.

"You're not." Chris answered. "Now let me just spin the Wheel of Horrible Punishments for you."

Chris reached for the wheel and gave it a hard spin. The wheel turned and turned until landing on the square that read: "Irish Wake Up".

"What's a Irish Wake Up?" Harold asked.

Suddenly a hole opened on a nearby wall and a crate of whiskey shot out of it, striking Harold in the head and knocking him down.

"Clean up!" Chris yelled.

A hole opened on the roof and a giant vacuum cleaner lowered from it. The vacuum began sucking in and Harold was pulled into the machine's tube and taken up to the roof.

"Where does that tube go?" LeShawna asked.

"To our completely safe waiting area." Chris said.

**

* * *

"AAAHHH!"**

Harold screamed as he fell down a giant chute and landed on a giant pile of garbage. The nerd got up and looked around to see that he was in a giant metal room with loads of garbage floating on a giant pool of black gunk.

Suddenly a loud, grinding metallic noise blared through the room.

"I've got a bad feeling about this…" Harold muttered.

The metallic noise blared again and then the side walls of the large room began to slowly slide towards each other, compressing the garbage.

"Oh crap…"

**

* * *

**

"Doesn't matter, LeShawna is stepping up and she's gonna win this for Team Victory." LeShawna proclaimed.

"You can do it, girl." Bridgette cheered on.

"I'm gonna win this." LeShawna claimed.

Thirty minutes later, Courtney remained on the Team Amazon podium, while Bridgette was on the Team Victory podium with no other contestants remaining on her team and Izzy was on the Team CIRRRRH podium with only Noah remaining on for her team.

"Umm…Hitler." Bridgette answered to the question "What is Chris McClean's favorite historical figure?"

"OK that's mean and…No." Chris said.

"Darn." Bridgette groaned.

"I'm sorry, Bridge." Courtney said.

"No problem." Bridgette said, downtrodden.

Chris spun the Wheel of Horrible Punishments, leading it to land on the square that read "Dead Man's Chest".

"Dead Man's Chest?" Bridgette asked.

Chris pulled out a vase from under his podium and tossed it to Bridgette.

"Open that and pour the contents down your shirt." Chris said.

"What?"

"Do it."

Bridgette sighed and pulled the lid off the vase, then she pulled on her shirt and reluctantly dumped the contents of the vase, which was only dust, into her bra.

"What was that?" Bridgette asked.

"The ashes of Graham Chapman, the legendary British comedian." Chris answered.

"Wait, you mean I poured a burnt corpse between my boo…"

Bridgette couldn't even finish the sentence and began to scream, though her screech was soon drowned by the sound of the giant vacuum sucking her up.

"Courtney the next question is for you." Chris said.

"I'll choose World Culture." Courtney announced.

Chris pressed a button and the screen showed the text "What ethnic origin does the last name 'McClean' belong to?"

"Easy…" Courtney said.

"This is ridiculous." Noah said. "I'll fix this."

Noah pulled off his shoe and flung it at Courtney.

"The answer is…"

The shoe hit Courtney in the lower back and bounced back to Noah.

"Ouch!" Courtney exclaimed.

"Oh, I'm sorry but 'Ouch' is not the answer." Chris said.

"What?" Courtney and her team yelled.

"That is so unfair!" Heather yelled.

Chris spun the Wheel of Horrible Punishment and it landed on "College Dorm Body Spray".

A hole opened on the roof and a metallic arm with a body spray can lowered itself near Courtney.

"McClean if you do something to me I will…"

The arm sprayed its gas on Courtney and upon inhaling it the brunette smiled broadly and drowsily as her eyes grew glassy and red.

"Oh…That feels goooood." Courtney said as she began to giggle.

The vacuum lowered itself on Courtney and sucked her in while she cheered in joy.

"He cheated!" Heather yelled while pointing at Noah.

"Nothing in the rules against distracting other players." Chris said.

"Regardless." Heather said. "We'll still win."

The Asian girl stepped up to the podium.

"The next question is for Izzy." Chris said. "Izzy you…"

Chris stopped talking when he noticed that Izzy was too busy licking the microphone on her podium. As all the remaining contestants stared startled, Chris wordlessly pushed the vacuum button and the giant machine sucked up the crazy girl.

Noah stepped up to the Team CIRRRRH podium.

"You are going to lose, short stuff." Heather said.

"We'll see." Noah said. "Now let the writer skip ahead ten minutes."

After ten minutes, the only contestant remaining contestant on Team Amazon was Sierra.

"You are done for Noah; I know everything there is to know about Chris." Sierra said. "Like how he likes his shoes cleaned with bleach."

"Yeah." Chris said.

"Or how he was nerdy and pimple-ridden in high school." Sierra claimed.

"Uh-huh." Chris groaned.

"Even about his embarrassing childhood fear of floss, which he thought would come to life and strangle him." Sierra added.

"Shut it."

"I've even written an article about his inability to bathe alone until age ten."

"That's it!"

Chris spun the Wheel of Horrible Punishments, which landed on "Argentine Welcome to the British". Immediately a vat of boiling water lowered itself from the roof and poured itself on Sierra. The girl screamed before she was sucked into the giant vacuum and taken down to the "harmless waiting room".

"I guess I win." Noah proclaimed.

"Yeah, now I better go to the 'harmless waiting room' and get the contestants out before they get crushed into tiny cubes." Chris said.

"Very well." Noah replied. "Wait…What?"

* * *

"We're doomed!" DJ screamed as the walls kept closing.

The losers in the garbage compactor were panicking as the walls kept closing in. They managed to decelerate it by jamming a metal rod against the walls, keeping them from closing all the way in.

"I never got to tell Geoff I loved him!" Bridgette yelled.

"Yes you did, like a million times." Gwen said.

"Oh right."

"Don't worry, he knows you looooove him…" Courtney said, still incredibly drowsy. "Like my Dunkie. He loves me…And he makes love like wild bull."

"I could have gone many lifetimes without knowing that." LeShawna yelled. "This could not get any worse!"

The contestants then heard a little bell chime.

"You have got to be _/bleep/_ing kidding me!" LeShawna yelled. "Fine!"

Some poppy, Japanese sounding music began to play in the background and the unhappy campers began to perform.

Gwen was the one to begin.

"_We're close to death!  
__Close to death!  
__Running out of breath!  
__We might soon be dead!_"

Alejandro followed while he kept trying to push the walls apart.

"_And though we might be doomed  
__We have to keep going on  
__If we don't want this to be our tomb  
__We don't have very long._"

LeShawna continued while she was browsing through the garbage to find something to jam the walls with.

"_Though we are close to death  
__We have to find a plan  
__We can't run out of breath  
__I don't want to be a flat frying pan!_"

The melody switched to something that resembled more of showtune as Bridgette began to shake Courtney.

"_Courtney you are smart  
__There must be something on your mind  
__From the bottom of my heart  
__I tell you that __an exit you must find._"

Courtney in turn replied.

"_Bridge, don't think about your strife.  
__I've never felt this way before  
__Now I really enjoy life  
__Dying doesn't scare me anymore._"

Cody, while looking through the garbage sang as well.

"_She's totally stooooooned_.  
_We're doooooomed._"

Then a panel on one of the walls that wasn't closing was pushed open and Noah stepped inside.

"_What's happening?_"

Cody replied.

"_Where do we begin?  
__When we lost  
__Chris dropped us in._"

Noah looked up and saw that there was a big red button on one of the upper parts of one of the closing walls. The bookworm turned to Izzy.

"_Izzy, look at the button up there.  
__I you go and press it  
__It will give rainbow color to your hair._"

Izzy looked at the button and smiled madly.

"_Oooooooh Shiiiiinyyyyyyy!_"

The crazy girl leaped into the air and climbed the walls until she was next to the button, which she promptly pressed. Then the walls stopped closing in.

At that point, Tyler, who had been cowering in a fetal position in a corner, stood up and pounced to the center of the compactor.

"_We're saaaaaaved!_"

Then the walls began to go backwards and the metallic rod that had been placed up to hold them apart fell and struck Tyler's head, knocking him out.

* * *

"Alright contestants!" Chris yelled. "Now that you've all cleaned the garbage out of your clothes and in Izzy's case ears and mouth, we can move onto challenge number two."

"You threw us into a garbage compactor!" LeShawna yelled.

"Oh, that's where the vacuum went?" Chris said, playing stupid.

"I want to do bad things to your face." Tyler said, cracking his knuckles.

"Shut up, Tyler." Noah said.

"Yes sir." Tyler said.

"Now contestants…Other than bizarre and painfully humiliating TV shows; what is the most defining aspect of modern Japanese culture?" Chris asked, rhetorically.

"Bombing Pearl Harbor." Noah remarked, reading a book.

"Other than that."

"Needless imperial position?" Alejandro said.

"No, something much less intellectual."

"Bizarre and painfully humiliating game shows?" Tyler asked.

"I said apart from that."

"Small pee-pees?" Lindsay asked.

"No and gross." Chris answered. "Anime."

"Oh…" Everyone said in unison.

"Now, I'll explain the challenge you will have to go through in a few minutes but before that all of you have to go to those dressing rooms over there..." Chris said while pointing at some doors with the symbol of a team on each. "…And change into the special anime series outfits we've selected for you."

"What kind of outfits would these be?" Gwen asked, sensing something bad.

"Humiliating ones." Chris said. "If you refuse to put on the outfit we've specifically pin-pointed out for you, you will automatically be eliminated and lose the chance to win the grand price of a million dollars."

"Damn!" All the contestants yelled.

* * *

"This is awesome!" Owen yelled as he came out of the dressing room.

He was wearing a small red vest that didn't cover his large belly, blue cargo shorts and a straw hat which made a costume looking like that of Luffy from "One Piece".

Noah followed, wearing a black three-piece suit with a blue shirt and a black tie, which made him look like Sanji from "One Piece".

Alejandro was the next one to come out, wearing a black tank top with black pants and a black band around his left arm; he was holding one sword in each hand and one on his mouth which made him look like Roronoa Zoro from the same anime.

Tyler emerged with a Usopp costume from "One Piece", which consisted of a brown boiler-suit, green boots and a netted war helmet.

Finally Izzy emerged wearing a light-blue and white striped shirt and beige short-shorts, an exact Nami costume, also from "One Piece".

"Chris! I will kill you!" Courtney's voice boomed out of the Team Amazon dressing room. Their door opened and all the girls emerged wearing costumes resembling those of the characters from Sailor Moon. Courtney was in the red Sailor Mars outfit, Gwen was in the blue Sailor Mercury costume and Heather in a Sailor Jupiter outfit.

However, Courtney and Gwen's costumes weren't absolutely normal since they included special pouches in the top that made it look like they had enormous G-cup breasts.

"What the _/bleep/_ is going through your _/bleep/_ing head?" Courtney yelled. "What's with these?"

"Oh yeah, a main feature of anime is fan service through characters with large breasts and since you two are two of the most popular girls on this show we decided to give all those perverts at home something to be happy about." Chris explained.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **_**/**__Dressed in her Sailor Mercury costume/ _Chris is a total perv. Seriously. Huge fake boobs? I'm pretty sure this is illegal. Now I understand why Courtney sued him. _/Gwen snaps to realization/_ Did I just agree with Courtney? My God I feel so dirty.

**Sierra – **_/Dressed in her Sailor Moon costume/_ I loved Chris before, but now that he let me have these _/Lifts fake boobs/_ to woo in Cody, I consider him a God. In fact…_/Reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small Chris doll. She sets it on the small bathroom counter and begins to worship it./_

**Cody - **_/Dressed in Tuxedo Mask costume/_ Gwen with big boobs…Sweet.

* * *

"So we have to wear huge boobs?" Gwen screamed.

"How come they get huge boobs and I don't!" Heather yelled.

"The boobs are only for the popular contestants." Chris replied.

"Then who else got them?" Heather yelled.

The door to the Team Amazon door opened again and Sierra, dressed in a pink Sailor Moon costume emerged while she smothered Cody, who was dressed in a tuxedo and a white mask from the character Tuxedo Mask of Sailor Moon, between her large fake boobs.

"I love you Chris!" Sierra yelled while she further pressed Cody against her chest.

"Are you kidding me?" Heather screamed. "Sierra is more popular than me! She's been on the show for two episodes!"

"She runs the popularity polls." Chris answered.

The Team Victory door opened and the team emerged wearing costumes similar to those of "Pokémon" characters. Harold was wearing an Ash costume, Bridgette was wearing a May costume, Lindsay a Misty costume, LeShawna a Jesse costume and DJ a Brock outfit. However, very much like Team Amazon members, Bridgette and Lindsay had giant fake boobs on their costumes.

"Jesus _/bleep/_ing Christ! Bridgette is more popular than me? Why did you give Lindsay the boobs too? She already had huge boobs!" Heather yelled.

"Yeah but they weren't as big as the fake ones." Chris said.

"I hate your guts you perverted jerk!" Gwen grunted.

"I don't care what you think. I've made that pretty clear before." Chris said. "Now let me explain the challenge."

The host proceeded to pull out a map and showed it to the contestants.

"We are currently 50 miles away from the city of Tokyo. There is currently a giant robot monster headed towards the city to destroy it and your goal is to stop that monster." Chris said.

"How are we supposed to do that?" Tyler asked.

"That's why we gave you those anime costumes." Chris said. "All of them are outfitted with special machinery that gives you powers resembling those of the characters you represent."

"What do you mean?" Alejandro asked.

"I mean…Noah, try to kick something." Chris said.

"OK."

Noah gave a kick into the air, but he suddenly felt his leg shoot up with extreme strength, accidentally hitting Harold's groin.

"Like that." Chris said. "The Sailor girls have devices that shoot things out of your bracelets and you guys from One Piece have super strong kicking, punching, jumping and also the shoes that can stick to steep surfaces."

"What do we have?" Harold asked.

"Nothing!" Chris yelled.

"Why?"

"Because you lost the previous challenge. Team I'm Really, Really, Really, Really Super Amazingly Hot won so they get the best powers and Team Amazon was second so they get the second best." Chris explained. "The way to stop the monster is to press the shut-off button on the back of its neck. Now get going!"

* * *

**(Bathroom Confessional)**

**LeShawna – **First he throws us into a garbage compactor and now we gotta fight a giant monster in ridiculous Japanese freaky little costumes. Chris probably took out a life insurance on us and is lookin' to cash it in real soon.

* * *

"Alright Team Amazon, we need a plan." Courtney said.

"Maybe you two could trip it with your enormous fake boobs." Heather said.

"You're just jealous because you're not popular enough to have them." Gwen said.

"Well you…You…You guys suck!" Heather yelled.

Courtney smiled at Gwen.

"You're good." She said.

"Thank you." Gwen replied. "Now let's get a game plan."

"What can you guys shoot?" Cody asked.

"Fire." Courtney replied.

"Water." Gwen said.

"Air." Heather said.

"Pink streamers." Sierra replied.

"Pink streamers?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah."

Sierra lifted her arms and then some pink streamers shot out of her sleeves, wrapping around Cody. Sierra then pressed a button on her sleeves, causing the streamers to retreat into her sleeves and bringing Cody close to her.

Courtney thought for a second and then her eyes lit up.

"Girls, I have a plan."

* * *

"Alright team, are we ready?" Alejandro asked.

"Yes." The rest of his team said.

"OK, let's attack." Alejandro told them.

Team CIRRRRH charged into the Japanese rice field and ran towards the giant robotic monster that was making its way across it. Alejandro leaped against the monster's thing and slammed one of his swords into the monster's legs. He then began to climb up the leg by using the swords as climbing bars.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)  
****  
Owen – **Al is so cool. The last time I ever saw somebody climb so fast was my friend Eric during gym class when he climbed up that rope when I mistook him for a giant talking cookie. He never forgave me for taking off his delicious, chocolate-chip toe of goody-goody flavor-filled delight and…_/Camera cuts off/_.

* * *

Alejandro kept climbing the monster's leg until he reached the hip. He proceeded to stab one of his swords into the monster's lower back thigh, causing it to scream in pain and lift up the leg Alejandro was holding onto.

Upon seeing this, Noah turned on the super kicking device of his suit and threw super kick at the monster's other leg. The kick violated all laws of physics by being strong enough to knock the leg off its balance and take the monster down.

Alejandro pulled his swords out of the monster's leg and proceeded to triumphantly walk up the fallen monster to its neck.

"Now I shall take my time to enjoy my victory over this huge monster." Alejandro said.

"Don't gloat you Spanish pretty-boy, press the shut down button." Noah yelled.

"Relax Noah, Al is cool, he'll manage." Tyler said.

"Yes, don't worry Noah. Nothing will happen." Alejandro said.

Immediately after that, something happened. The monster swung its tail backwards and crushed Alejandro against its back. Then it stood up and dropped Alejandro onto the floor before walking off.

"Not a word." A pained Alejandro said to Noah.

* * *

**Alejandro - **¡_/Spanish bleep/_!

* * *

Chris McClean and Chef were sitting in reclining chairs on the rooftop of a moderately tall building in the outskirts of Tokyo.

"How do you think those kids are doin'?" Chef asked.

"They're probably alright." Chris said. "They probably stopped it by now."

"What if they don't stop it? If it makes it to the city won't it destroy it, man?" Chef asked.

"Maybe, yeah; but what are the odds of the monster actually making it to the city?" Chris asked rhetorically.

The two hosts were then startled to their feet by a ferocious roar. They looked up to see the ferocious monster burst into the city with the terrified members of both Team Victory and Team CIRRRRH clinging onto its legs. The monster began to tear chunks out of buildings and bite sections of different parts of the city.

"I don't think the producers are gonna be too happy about this." Chris said.

* * *

On the hill near Tokyo, three men stood up while looking at the city through binoculars.

"How much do you think we'll have to pay in damages for this?" Damian asked.

"To pay for reparations, maybe a couple hundred grand." Alberti replied. "…But to pay off al those assholes from human rights we're gonna need to sell our internal organs."

"Chris is so going to get shot in the ass for this." Damian declared angrily.

Carter nodded.

* * *

**(Bathroom Confessional)**

**Harold – **Now, when we clung onto the monster's feet to try and slow it down but it kept going I wasn't too worried. When the other team did the same and it still didn't work I began to get a little preoccupied but I think it was around the time the monster started to destroy Tokyo that I felt maybe we were in a little over our heads.

* * *

"What are we gonna do?" Chris yelled. "If that giant mechanical lizard destroys the city we'll get sued by every human rights group and Godzilla filmmaker in the world!"

"What about all the people that might get harmed?" Chef asked rhetorically.

In less than five seconds both Chef and Chris burst into hysterical laughter. Chris began to cry due to the hard laughter.

"Man, you're hilarious." Chris said as the laughter wore down. "Though seriously, what are gonna do?"

A ferocious battle cry was heard down below as Sierra charged through the street towards the monster.

"Alright Sierra, stick to the plan!" Courtney yelled as she and the rest of the team followed Sierra into charging towards the monster.

When Sierra was close enough she pulled out a thin needle and poked her fake boob with it. Immediately the false bosoms exploded, unleashing a gigantic wave of pink streamers. The streamers shot at the monster's legs and got completely tangled around them. Once it was on the floor, Gwen used a needle to pop her false chest and a jet stream of water burst out of them, splashing the monster's face. The water made it short circuit immediately and disabled it completely. Finally Courtney leaped on top of the head and walked up to the neck, where she pressed the off button and put the robot monster out of commission.

From atop the building he was on, Chris McClean called out to the contestants through a megaphone.

"That was amazing!" He yelled. "…And just in time too! I was afraid that thing would tear down the entire city! Team Amazon, you are the winners of today's challenge!"

The Team Amazon members cheered in celebration. Sierra hugged Cody, Heather pumped her fist in the air and Courtney high-fived Gwen.

"As a special reward you girls will get to be on the first class area again and you will also receive a luxurious all sushi dinner!" Chris announced.

Team Amazon cheered once again while the rest of the teams groaned in frustration.

"Now, Team CIRRRRH. You guys may have lost but you are safe from elimination. Team Victory, one of you guys is going home." Chris said.

"What?" LeShawna yelled. "Why us and not them?"

"Because Captain Alberta over there." Chris said while pointing at Harold. "Bugged me way too much today. See you at the elimination."

The members of Team Victory all glared angrily at Harold, who tried to hide away behind the giant broken monster.

* * *

**(Bathroom Voting Confessionals.)**

**DJ - **_/Stamping a passport/_ I'm sorry man, but you cost us the game today.

**Bridgette - **_/Without a word she reluctantly stamps a passport/_.

**LeShawna – **Harold cost us the game today, but he's my sugar boy. _/Thinks for a minute before taking a deep breath and stamping a passport/_.

**Harold - **_/Stamps his own passport/_ I deserve to go home.

**Lindsay - **_/She takes aim to stamp a passport but somehow ends up stamping her own forehead and knocking herself down/_.

* * *

"Alright Team Victory." Chris said. "Just like last time you sucked majorly. Let's see who's going home."

Chris pulled out the Airplane Issue Peanut Barf Bags and aimed at the contestants.

"Bridgette and Lindsay." He said before tossing the bags at the girls he mentioned.

He picked up another bag.

"LeShawna." He said, throwing it at her.

As Harold and DJ were the only ones left, Chris picked up the last bag and took aim. He held the suspense of the moment, waiting for as long as he could before finally tossing the last peanut/barf bag to…

"DJ."

The tall guy caught his bag and Harold sighed and stood up from his seat. He walked over to the open plane door and turned to face his teammates

"I'm sorry, Harold." Bridgette apologized.

"No need to apologize my fellow teammates. I cost us the game and therefore do not deserve the glory." Harold said dramatically. "Goodbye!"

The dork proceeded to fall backwards out the open plane door and screamed as he fell.

"You forgot your parachute!" Chris yelled as he tossed it out of the door as well.

The host closed the door and then turned to the screen.

"Geez, what a drama queen." Chris said. "Well, this was certainly an interesting episode. Who will be eliminated next week? In what way will the contestants suffer next week? To discover the answer to these questions all you have to do is review this story and tune in next time to Total…Drama…_Wooooorld Tooooouuuuur!_"

* * *

**Votes:**

DJ – Harold

Bridgette – Harold

LeShawna – DJ

Harold – Harold

Lindsay – N/A

…

Harold – 3

DJ – 1

* * *

**OK, quick author's note. I'd like to thank you for reading and just like Chris said:**

**PLEASE REVIEW.**

**My goal for this story is to have at least five reviews per chapter. If I can reach that number I'll be elated.**

**Gracias Totales,  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	2. From Russia With Love

**Hi, I'd like to thank you all for your revie****ws of the previous chapter. I really appreciated them and I hope some of you keep reviewing. Thank you.**

**Now here goes the chapter…**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 2:**** From Russia With Love**

Last time on Total Drama World Tour…

The contestants had a wacky adventure in the old, majestic land of Japan. There they had to answer questions about the wondrous life of yours truly in a kooky Japanese game show where wrong answers would be punished with bizarre tortures…and being dumped into a trash compactor.

After being dressed in funny costumes for some fanservice, the contestants had to fight a giant monster before he destroyed Tokyo. It was Team Amazon's ability to use their "assets" that guaranteed them victory and it was Harold's annoying habits of correcting me that cost Team Victory their victory; with Harold eventually going home.

Now, who will crack under the pressure and who will be frozen by the fear when they take on a new challenge in today's episode of Total…Drama..._World toooouuuuur_!

**

* * *

**

The Jumbo Jet soared across the sky and inside the contestants either suffered or rejoiced. The ones who rejoiced were the members of Team Amazon, who were in the first class cabin. Heather slept peacefully, while snoring considerably loudly; Gwen and Courtney relaxed in their seats while each read a book and Sierra gave a disturbing foot massage to a sleeping Cody. However, as soon as he woke up he complained to the girl about her actions.

"Sierra, what are you doing?" Cody asked, flabbergasted while pulling his foot away from her.

"Everybody loves a foot massage." Sierra countered plainly,

"Yeah, normally but…I don't like having my feet touched." Cody lied.

Sierra took his foot again and began to massage it.

"Did you know there's a pressure point between tarsal bones that can temporarily paralyze the whole body?" She asked in heavy rhetoric.

Before he could even answer, Sierra slammed her finger into Cody's foot and his entire body went limp.

**

* * *

**

In the economy class, pretty much like in every previous instance, the contestants were having a bad time. Both teams were on separate benches and were trying to do something to pass the time until they arrived to the next place where they would be submitted to the tortuous and almost illegal tasks of Chris McClean.

"I really enjoyed Japan." Owen said. "That sushi was excellent."

"That wasn't sushi Owen." Noah said. "It was just raw fish heads."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure this is sushi." Izzy said while pulling out a bucket of fish heads.

"I tell you, it's rotten fish heads." Noah said.

"You sure?" Izzy asked. "Try them."

Without giving him a chance to answer, the crazy girl poured the contents of the bucket on top of the bookworm, who remained perfectly deadpan while the fish guts dripped all over his body and clothes. He sighed.

"I'll go shower." He proclaimed before heading for the shower area.

"Well I'm sure that whatever Chris has planned for us can't be that bad." Bridgette said.

Then the entire crew of the economy class, sans Izzy, gasped and exclaimed.

"No!" They yelled.

"What?" Bridgette asked.

"Girl, you're never supposed to say that!" LeShawna yelled. "Whenever somebody says that things get real bad!"

Bridgette looked freaked.

"Yeah, even I know that and I'm not the shiniest fool in the bed." Lindsay said.

"Lindsay, I think the expression is 'not the sharpest tool in the shed'." DJ said.

"No DJ, that doesn't make sense." Lindsay said. "Tools aren't alive."

"She's right." Tyler said, backing up Lindsay.

"Thanks for supporting me, Taylor." Lindsay said.

Tyler then appeared downtrodden.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Tyler – **I don't understand why Lindsay still can't remember my name! We dated throughout the whole first season and I hung out with her like a million times after TDA was over. I'll have to do something very impressive to get her to remember me. Maybe if I manage to stick my leg behind my leg, that's pretty impressive. _/He grabs his leg and tries to bend it over the back of his head but he slips and his head lands in the toilet, getting stuck/_.

**

* * *

**

The plane suddenly gave a leap and both Tyler and Noah fell back into the economy class, Tyler with his head drenched in toilet water and Noah drenched in detergent and soap water.

"Well, I suppose detergent is as good as any shower." Noah said.

The contestants then noticed the plan began to descend until they finally landed. They were all considerably pleased that this time their landing assistance was not operated by a giant mechanical monster. However as soon as they stepped out of the plan door, all of them found a lack of a descent ladder and plummeted to the snow below.

Most of them landed alone without hurting each other, just themselves; however one contestant landed in a rather compromising position. Whether it was luck or maybe to him a curse, Noah happened to crash land on top of Bridgette's chest.

"Noah!" Bridgette yelled while pulling Noah away from her breasts.

The bookworm stood up, dusted himself off and helped Bridgette to her feet.

"I'm very sorry about that." Noah said in a perfectly calm voice that seemed unnatural to any teenage guy who had just had deep contact with female anatomy. "I didn't mean to be inappropriate in any way. I have a deep respect for women and their privacy. Despite your good nature and kindness I have no interest in you. I'm aware that you have a boyfriend, whose status as your significant other I respect and I want to make it clear that I have to intention of getting in between you two."

Noah then proceeded to walk off while a stunned Bridgette looked at him.

"I don't know why but I suddenly find Noah more attractive." Bridgette said to Courtney.

Meanwhile, Owen looked at this amazed.

"Wow! Noah really knows how to charm the ladies!" Owen said to his girlfriend, Izzy. "He must be a real ladies' man back home."

"I doubt it." Izzy said, doubtful. "He barely reacted at all at both Bridgette's and Lindsay's bosoms."

The redhead suddenly produced a bubble pipe and a Sherlock Holmes hat, which she put on.

"Watson, the evidence points to my theory that Noah is in fact totally gay." Izzy said while making her pipe bubble.

"Noah? No." Owen said. "He's all about the ladies."

"Well, in my duty as this show's supreme rainbow happy woman I bow to find out whether Noah is the pillow or the cushion!" Izzy proclaimed and then leaped into the air.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen **– I know that Noah is in touch with his girly side and that he's really neat but I don't think he's gay. _/He appears doubtful for a second/_. Though he did kiss Cody in season one, but that doesn't mean anything. Just because a guy likes other guys doesn't mean he's gay.

**Izzy – **If I want to discover whether Subject N is indeed a homosexual or not I will have to find out all I can about gay people! _/She reaches under the bathroom counter and pulls out a picture of Justin Bieber, which she begins to examine/._

**

* * *

**

The contestants shivered deeply and groaned due to the cold. Then Chris McClean emerged from the pilot's cabin wearing a bulgy wool coat and an ushanka.

"Hello contestants." Chris proclaimed. "Welcome to the former home of communism and the current home of Vladurday…Russia!"

"Can we get some coats here?" Bridgette asked.

Chris glared at her for speaking out of turn but then smiled again.

"Sure, I ordered some for you." The host said.

The contestants sighed with relief.

"Though they won't be here for quite a few weeks." Chris finished with a mischievous grin, clearly displaying that he enjoyed the contestants' frustration.

They were all freezing cold, though the one most disturbed was Bridgette, since she lived in an edge of Canada where they rarely got cold weather and was absolutely unprepared for such temperatures. Another contestant noticed this and decided to take advantage of it.

"I'll warm you up, Bridgette." Alejandro said, holding arms open wide.

Bridgette immediately ran to his arms to hug him without thinking. He wrapped his arms around her and Bridgette swooned.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette – **Alejandro is a really nice guy, you know, for helping keep me warm. He's really considerate. He's almost as nice as my dear Alejandro…I mean Geoff! My dear boyfriend Alejandro…Geoff! My dear boyfriend Geoff! Goddamnit Bridge…you gotta keep it cool. Just relax and think of Geoff's nice tan skin and long, brown hair…blonde hair! Damn it!

**

* * *

**

"Any other questions?"

"What's communism?" Tyler asked.

"A sociopolitical ideology which in theory is supposed to create a utopic, stateless and classless society where the means of production are commonly owned, articles of consumption are of free access and there is no private property." Courtney explained. "However in practice it has only led to a society where the state runs the so-called "commonly owned means of production" and attempts to distribute profit equally regardless of a person's part in achieving said profit, which leads to mass laziness and the necessity of force to intimidate workers in working harder which eventually leads to a practically slave-like lifestyle for citizens of the communist society."

The rest of the cast looked at her bewildered.

"OK." Chris said. "Let's get to the challenges."

Chris clapped his hands and Chef Hatchet emerged from the cabin with a treasure chest. He opened it and pulled out three pieces of paper, which he handed to each team.

"Now, each team has just been given a clue." Chris explained. "This clue will lead to a place in Moscow, where you will find another clue. This clue will then lead you to a second place where yet another clue is hidden. This third clue will tell you the final location you must go to. There, me and Chef will be waiting. Whichever team makes it to the final location first wins the first challenge. Any more questions?"

"Where in Russia are we exactly?" Gwen asked.

"Five miles outside of Moscow." Chris answered. "Now get going!"

**

* * *

**

"The game is underway." Damian said proudly while looking at the monitors.

The three producers were in the control room of their private jet, which was parked in a separate runway in Domodedovo International Airport. Damian was looking triumphantly at the monitors that displayed the images of the contestants running through Moscow, being filmed by small robotic camera-copters. Carter was playing solitaire and Alberti was spying out the window with binoculars.

"Manuel, can you toss me a coke?" Damian asked.

"Can't. Patrolling." The Argentine producer answered.

"Goddamn it, Manny! Communism ended here in 1991. There's no communists out to get you here." Damian yelled.

"I wouldn't be so cocky, Hellburn!" Alberti replied. "They want me ever since I blew up the apartment the ERP leadership was in back in '76."

"For the last time, Manny. There are no commies here!" Damian yelled.

At that point the airplane door burst open and a man ran in holding a small pistol.

"Die capitalist pig!" He yelled.

As soon as he stepped into the control room, all three producers drew their guns and shot him simultaneously, killing him.

"OK, one commie. He was probably the last one." Damian said. "Though let's just have our AK's ready just in case."

Alberti and Carter nodded.

**

* * *

**

"OK Team, what does our clue say?" Alejandro asked.

"It says 'To find the place where you'll next be led, find the place where the Red King lies dead'." Owen said.

Alejandro and Noah looked at each other knowingly.

"It's obvious where we have to go." They said.

"To Brett Favre's tomb?" Tyler asked.

"What? No." Noah said. "What led you to that conclusion?"

"Well, Favre was played for the Washington Redskins and he was the QB, which makes him the king of the team." Tyler explained.

"Favre never played for the Redskins." Alejandro said. "Nor is he dead."

Tyler gulped and looked embarrassed.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Tyler – **OK, so I might have some holes in my sports knowledge but I am still a great sports player. I kick butt in both team and single sports, especially tennis. I am wicked with the…the…the…How do you call those weird frying pan-looking thingies you use to hit the ball with in tennis?

**

* * *

**

"Read the clue, Gwen." Courtney said.

Gwen opened up the paper scroll and began to read it out loud.

"'If victory is what you want to achieve, find the secret home of the secret police'." Gwen said.

"What does that mean?" Cody asked.

"The Lubyanka, KGB Headquarters." Courtney and Gwen said in unison.

The two girls looked at each other with an impressed look.

"Well, you know your Russian culture, Gwen. I'm impressed." Courtney said.

"Thanks Courtney." Gwen replied.

"Enough with the friendship crap." Heather said. "Let's go!"

"Yeah, What are we waiting for?" Sierra exclaimed. "Let's go, Cody!"

The blogger girl grabbed Cody, hoisted him over her shoulder and then ran, followed suit by Heather, Gwen and Courtney.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – **I'm surprised Gwen knew that. I never took her as the smart type. Maybe I underestimated her.

**Gwen – **I'm surprised Courtney actually complimented me. She hasn't really been good to me since the whole Duncan thing last season. Maybe I was too quick to call her a bit_/bleep/_. I mean, if I had been her I would have been a little jealous too. After all Duncan doesn't seem all that loyal, despite his sweetness and awesome hot looks and..._/Her eyes burst wide open upon realizing what she just said/ _OK, erase that! I did not say that! I did not! It was a mistake!

**

* * *

**

"Man, I really wish Harold was here." LeShawna said, while looking at the clue. "My sweet stringbean knew all kindsa things 'bout weird eastern cultures."

"'To find the heart of the Bolshoi, theatrics you must employ'." DJ re-read the clue out loud.

"I have no idea about what it means." Bridgette said.

"It makes my head go owie." Lindsay proclaimed.

**

* * *

**

Team CIRRRRH walked into the Lenin Mausoleum, the place they had deduced the clue was leading them to, which was almost entirely empty.

"This place is usually crawling with people." Alejandro said. "Chris must have cleared this place for the challenge."

"Where's the clue?" Owen asked.

"There!" Tyler yelled.

The no-good-jock pointed towards the center of the mausoleum, where Lenin's body rested in a glass case. Inside the case and on Lenin's hand was another scroll, identical to the one Chris had given them.

"Awesome!" Tyler exclaimed. "Now let's just go get it."

Noah grabbed Tyler by the sweatsuit collar.

"I wouldn't do that if I was you." Noah said.

"Why not?"

"Because Lenin's body is heavily guarded." Noah answered.

"How guarded?" Owen asked.

"The last guy who accidentally made a smudge on the glass case by breathing on it got shot in the throat and had to be hospitalized for three months." Noah replied.

"Are you sure there's guards now?" Tyler asked.

Alejandro proceeded to point upwards. Tyler looked and managed to spot four snipers on guard balconies, aiming their rifles at the casket, ready to fire if somebody touched it.

"We need a plan on how to get that clue." Alejandro said.

Everybody on the team began to think, sans Izzy, who approached Noah.

"Hey Noah, can I ask you a couple of questions?" Izzy asked.

"Not now, Izzy, I'm trying to figure out how to win this." Noah said.

"It'll only take a sec."

"No."

"Pretty please…"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeaaaaaseeeee?"

"After we get the clue." Noah replied.

"OK."

After uttering that simple word, Izzy pounced into the air towards one of the snipers. She wrapped her legs around his neck and defying all laws of physics she used the sheer strength of her legs to fling the guard backwards against another guard, knocking them both out.

The other two guards attempted to shoot her but she leaped into the air and, once again, violated the laws of physics by running upside-down on the roof until the jumped behind the third of the snipers. She then butterfly kicked him in the back of the head, throwing him off his guard balcony.

She then leaped into the air, dodging many shots from the final sniper until she finally landed behind him. She bent over backwards and grabbed the guard by his head, after which she proceeded to hoist him up and slam him against the wall she was facing before shoving him backwards off the balcony.

The redhead leaped off the balcony and landed on top of Lenin's glass casket. She pulled it open and extracted the clue note scroll, which she tossed to Alejandro.

"Now Noah. Do you like showtunes?" Izzy asked.

"Yes…" Noah replied, hesitant.

"Do you know what brand these sandals are?" She asked.

"No…"

"Do you like the color pink?"

"Yes…"

"Finally, the work of Justin Timberlake?"

"No…"

"Huh…Interesting." Izzy proclaimed.

"Come on, let's get going!" Tyler yelled.

Team CIRRRRH turned around and ran out of the mausoleum, all of them minus Izzy.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Izzy – **Izzy's search to identify whether Noah bats for another team has been fruitless so far. The subject in question displays clearly gay tendencies in liking showtunes and the color pink yet he behaves very heterosexually in not knowing clothes brands and Justin Timberlake, which are like the gayest things ever!

**

* * *

**

After her brief musing Izzy decided to follow her team, however when she looked at Lenin's corpse she got a devious idea.

**

* * *

**

Team Amazon walked in through the front door of the Lubyanka and looked around.

"Where could Chris have hidden that clue?" Heather asked herself while tapping her chin.

"Girls, look!" Cody proclaimed and pointed at a Russian federal agent holding a briefcase with the Total Drama logo stamped on it.

Team Amazon approached the man.

"Hello sir, could you please give us that case?" Courtney asked.

"No."

"No? What do you mean by 'no'?"

"If you want the briefcase you have to say the password." The man replied.

"Fine…Communist?" Courtney asked.

"No."

"Motherland?" Courtney asked.

"No."

"KGB?" Gwen asked.

"No."

"Russia?" Heather asked.

"No."

"Death to capitalism?" Cody asked.

"No."

"Long live communism?" Sierra asked.

"No."

**

* * *

**

The producers opened fire on the guerrilla attacker as soon as he entered the room. After he was shot, the man collapsed on top of the pile of corpses in front of him.

"OK, so there were twelve communists left here." Damian said. "I doubt there can be any more than that."

"Die imperialist fools!" A communist guerrilla soldier screamed as he stepped into the room before being in the face by Manuel.

"Thirteen commies…That has to be it." Damian said.

**

* * *

**

"Lenin rules?" Cody asked.

"No."

"That's it!" Heather yelled.

The black-haired girl prepared to pounce on the federal agent but was stopped by his teammates.

"Let's just kick his ass and get the case!" Heather yelled.

"We can't, we have to figure out the password." Sierra said.

"You did it! Have the case." The agent said, giving it to Gwen.

"Why?"

"You figured out the password." The agent said.

"The password was 'password?" Courtney asked enraged. "But we said the word 'password' before!"

"No, the password was not 'password'; it was 'the password." The agent explained. "The password was 'the password'."

Courtney immediately launched a karate chop forward and struck the federal agent with the 'Lin Slice', stunning him.

Team Amazon looked at this stunned.

"I recommend we get out of here before more agents show up." Courtney said.

"Yeah."

**

* * *

**

Team CIRRRRH ran across the streets of Moscow, having figured out that their next clue was at the statue of the Monument to Alexander II due to the clue that read "The next clue to victory is in the hands of most monumental tsar in history".

Team Victory ran across the streets of Moscow to try and find one of the other teams and try to follow them to the final meeting point since they had no idea what their clue meant.

Both teams happened to run into each other while roaming the streets and by run into each other, we mean it literally. Noah bumped into DJ, Owen into LeShawna, Tyler into Lindsay and Alejandro into Bridgette. Izzy, who was now wearing a large backpack, did not hit anybody.

"I'm sorry, señorita." Alejandro said, smiling and helping Bridgette up.

"No worries." The blonde surfer answered while blushing.

"We don't have time for your adulterous intentions." Noah said to the Spaniard and the surfer. "We have to go."

"Hey!" Someone screamed.

The teenagers turned to look to the direction the scream came from and saw a dozen armed police officers.

"Those are the kids that stole Lenin's body!" One of the guards yelled.

"No we didn't." Tyler said.

Then an arm slipped out of Izzy's backpack, much to the astonishment and annoyance of her fellow teammates.

"What?" Izzy said. "I made him into a funny puppet."

Izzy reached into her bag and pulled out Lenin's corpse, which now had a marionette frame and strings attached to it.

"See?"

She lowered it and began to perform with it, making it dance.

"_Hello my baby; hello my darling; hello my night time gal._" Izzy sang while making the Lenin corpse puppet dance.

"Kill them!" One of the officers screamed.

The Russian police officers raised their Tec-9 submachine guns and opened fire. The teenagers ran away from the cops, avoiding getting shot by mere centimeters as well as leaving behind Lenin's corpse/puppet.

"I HATE THIS PLACE! Noah screamed.

Two contestants in particular ran off together by accident and they stopped to catch their breaths when they figured they were far away enough.

"That was close." Bridgette said.

"Yes. Are you alright, Bridgette?" Alejandro asked, feigning concern.

"Yeah, luckily." She said.

"It would have been very sad if you had gotten hurt. A girl as lovely and kind as you is probably the last person in the world who deserved to die in the hands of angry Russians." The Spaniard said.

"Oh…" Bridgette whimpered while blushing.

Alejandro closed his eyes, puckered up and leaned into her and Bridgette, caught in the heat of the moment did so as well. However, when she was close to his lips Alejandro moved and let her fall forwards. Unwittingly, Bridgette wound up kissing a statue of Gorbachev and her tongue got stuck to the former Russian Premier's statue's bald head.

Having secured his trap, Alejandro wordlessly left the scene.

"Oh crap." Bridgette muttered, her words slurred because of her frozen tongue.

**

* * *

**

Team Amazon retrieved their clue from the hand of a statue of Yuri Andropov and read it out loud.

"'Your victory is almost secure, go to the holiest place on Red Square to make it sure'." Sierra read out loud.

"St. Basil's Cathedral!" Courtney and Gwen exclaimed in unison.

The two girls high-fived each other.

"Alright besties, let's go!" Heather ordered Gwen and Courtney.

"Hey! Those are the girls who attacked me!" The federal agent yelled.

The girls and Cody turned to see the federal agent whom Courtney had assaulted accompanied by five armed guards.

"Kill them!" They yelled.

The guards raised their guns and opened fire while the girls ran helter skelter to try and escape. The team dispersed with each member heading to a different direction. As Courtney ran off, she happened to stumble upon another contestant in a rather complicated situation of her own.

"Bridgette?" Courtney asked.

"Hey Court." Bridgette said in a slurred voice.

Courtney looked at her friend, confused as to why her tongue was stuck to the bald head of a statue of Mikhail Gorbachev. The picture was even more disturbing because her tongue happened to be adhered to the patch of Gorbachev's head where his infamous red spot birthmark was located.

"Bridge, did you try to french a statue of Gorbachev?" Courtney asked.

"No!"

"You know that the birthmark on the statue is fake, right?" Courtney asked.

"Court please, you 'ave tho 'elp me." Bridgette pleaded. "Please go 'ind thome varm vater to get me off thith thing."

Courtney looked at her friend and began to contemplate her possibilities.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – **When I saw Bridgette stuck to the statue I really had a problem making up my mind. I could either help my very best friend and delay myself, possibly costing me victory or leave her behind to rot, increasing my chances of winning. In the past I probably wouldn't have helped Bridgette, but after befriending her and dating Duncan they kind of made me grow a conscience and a sense of loyalty to my friends. Damn them!

**

* * *

**

"OK Bridgette, don't worry. I'll go look for some water. I'll be back in a minute." Courtney said.

"Cool, don't thake thoo long please." Bridgette pleaded through slurred words. "Tis 'thatue fweaks me out!"

**

* * *

**

All members of Team Amazon, sans Courtney; all members of Team CIRRRH and all members of Team Victory, sans Bridgette, stormed into St. Basil's Cathedral, fleeing from the armed Russian Police Officers.

"You made it!" Chris exclaimed.

"Yeah." They all replied, hyperventilating..

"We all made it." DJ said.

"I won't even ask why you guys are so edgy since I'll probably find out later from the recordings, but I have to point out that you didn't all make it." Chris said.

"What?" Heather asked.

"Who's missing?" LeShawna asked.

"Bridgette and Courtney aren't _here_." Chris said. "If they don't get here soon, Team I'm The Most Awesomely Hot Person In The Universe will win."

"Damn!"

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **That dumb idiot! She's always yakking about victory and now she doesn't show up! I am going to kill her!

**

* * *

**

Minutes later, Courtney burst in through the door.

"Where the hell were you?" Heather yelled. "You cost us first place!"

"Yeah Courtney." Gwen said. "Where were you?"

"I'm sorry." Courtney said. "I was helping Bridgette. Her tongue got stuck to a statue of Gorbachev and I was trying to help her get free by getting her some warm water."

"Did you?" Cody asked.

"Well I didn't find any water, but I did help her get free." Courtney said.

"How?"

The question was answered pretty swiftly when Bridgette entered the cathedral holding the severed head of the Gorbachev statue, which was still stuck to her tongue.

"Hwey gwuys." Bridgette said in a slurred voice.

"How did you chop off the statue's head?" Cody asked in a scared voice.

"I have pretty strong thighs." Courtney explained. "These legs could cut through titanium."

"That explains why Duncan was limping last week." Gwen muttered.

"Can vwun of you gwuys phelp me?" Bridgette asked.

"I'll handle this." Chris said.

The host pulled out a thermos from inside his coat and twisted off the cap. He then splashed the contents of the thermos on Bridgette's face, which turned out to be searing hot coffee. Bridgette screamed loudly in pain as the coffee irritated her face, yet managed to accomplish its purpose since the statue head detached from her tongue.

"Ow!" Bridgette yelled. "That hurt!"

"Duh…" Chris replied and walked away.

"How did you get stuck to that in the first place?" Gwen asked.

Bridgette turned to Alejandro, who was looking away and acting innocently.

"It was thanks to Alejandro!" Bridgette accused. "He tricked me. I got stuck because he leaned in to kiss me and then dodged when I was going to kiss him back!"

"Bridgette, aren't you datin' Geoff?" DJ asked, rhetorically.

At that point Bridgette's face went blank.

"Well yes…but Alejandro was really charming and well…being away from Geoff kinda let me on a weak spot but…anyway yes, I got tempted and fell for his charm but he tricked me and now I know he's no good!" Bridgette yelled.

Alejandro coughed and then played innocent, putting on his most hurt fake look possible.

"Bridgette, you misunderstand. I did mean to kiss you, but I saw one of the Russian officers nearby and had to run." Alejandro said. "I didn't mean to leave you behind but I had no choice. Please believe me."

"Really?" Bridgette asked, listening closely but skeptically.

"I do. I'm sorry."

"Baby girl you gotta believe him." LeShawna said. "Look at his face. He meant no harm."

Alejandro put on his most charming smile.

"Fine." Bridgette said.

Alejandro's smiled turned a little devious.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette – **I'll give Alejandro the benefit of the doubt, but I still don't fully trust him.

**

* * *

**

"Alright contestants." Chris said. "Let's start part two of the challenge."

"What is part two?" Tyler asked.

"You guys will be ice sculpting!" Chris announced. "But not just any kind of ice sculptures…it'll be sculptures of famous commie figures."

"Why do you keep associating Russia with communism?" Noah asked. "Ever since the fall of the Soviet Union Russia has been one of the most staunchly capitalist countries of the world and it ahs progressed significantly thanks to it. Sure Vladimir Putin's authoritarian way of government and control of industry is descendant from a socialist form of government but the country's attitude and political model is entirely capitalist these days. Not only that it…"

Chris threw a chunk of ice at Noah, knocking him down.

"Anybody object to that?" Chris asked.

Everybody shook their heads.

"Good." Chris said, smiling. "Now, Team CIRRRRH, since you made it here first you will get the easiest sculpture…Nikita Khrushchev."

Chris pulled out a picture of the former Russian premier and handed it to Alejandro.

"He was bald and few distinctive physical features." Chris said.

He then turned to Team Amazon.

"Team Amazon, since you made it second you guys get the second toughest…Joseph Stalin." Chris announced.

Chris gave Heather a picture of the infamous dictator.

"He's tough because of his weird hair crop and swanky mustache." Chris said.

Finally he turned to Team Victory.

"Now, since Bridgette came in last you guys get the hardest one." Chris explained.

The whole team turned to look angrily at Bridgette, who replied with an apologetic look and a shameful blush.

Chris reached into his pocket and then extracted a picture, which he gave to LeShawna. The picture turned out to be one of Karl Marx.

"You get Karl Marx, the father of modern socialism and a tough guy to sculpt due to his weird hair, mustache and huge beard." Chris explained. "Now let's all go outside and start making ourselves some ice sculptures!"

The cast followed Chris outside, though while walking a particular girl approached a certain guy.

"I know you played innocent just there." Heather said. "But I am not as gullible as all the jerks around here. I know you purposely tried to leave Bridgette behind to turn her team against her, you conniving jerk."

"Why Heather, I do not know what you mean." Alejandro acted. "And if I did, you'd have no proof of that and nobody would believe you due to your bad reputation."

The Spaniard strutted forward, leaving behind an annoyed girl.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **That hot guy is getting on my nerves! _/Yells/_.

**

* * *

**

"Alright teams, to get the sculpting underway here's a little boost." Chris said.

Then the infamous bell chime rang and the contestants groaned.

"_Siiiiiing!_" Chris announced in an appropriate sing-song voice.

Music which sounded like a mixture of Russian polka, pop and cabaret vaudeville piano began to sound in an odd yet clear rhythm that the contestants somehow managed to easily get used to despite its oddness.

Noah started the song while he began to pick the ice.

"_This crazy country  
__Is giving me the creeps and I want to flee  
__I want to get out but I can't  
__No matter how much I rant._"

Heather proceeded, ranting at her team while they began to give their block of ice shape.

"_Come on you jerks  
__We won't achieve anything if you don't work  
__You better pick up your pace  
__If you want to win first place._"

The melody changed slightly as Gwen began to sing.

"_You know you could be of use  
__You don't get to stand around and be a muse  
__So you better get up and start to work  
__Put yourself to some use and do it now, now, now now now!_"

As a chunk of ice fell off the Team CIRRRRH block and hit Noah in the head the bookworm sang again in the song's chorus.

"_That's enough; I've had it with this country!  
__These Russians have really crossed the line  
__Yes that's enough; I've had it with this country!  
__It's so cold the temperature could freeze time  
__Quite so I've had enough__; I am done with this country!_"

Alejandro continued carving the giant block of ice while he sang, returning to the original melody.

"_Keep carving  
__We're so close, almost to the win  
__Just keep your arms strong  
__And it won't be very long._"

While carving her own team's block, Bridgette looked at Alejandro with doubtful eyes as she sang her part of the song.

"_I don't trust him  
__He seems OK but chances aren't slim  
__That he's really a rat  
__And I won't fall for that._"

LeShawna turned to Bridgette and sang to her.

"_Bridge girl, he's not so bad  
__It was just an accident, don't be so mad  
__Give him a little bit of time  
__And then you'll find out that he is really nice, nice, nice nice nice!_"

Izzy slammed an ice-pick into the block but it bounced back and struck the roof of the cathedral, causing a lot of snow to roll down and land on Noah, who repeated the very frustrated chorus.

"_That's enough; I've had it with this country!  
__These Russians have really crossed the line  
__Yes that's enough; I've had it with this country!  
__It's so cold the temperature could freeze time  
__Quite so I've had enough; I am done with this country!_"

Izzy leaped from her team's ice block to the cathedral roof, slipping and causing a whole lotta snow to fall on the rest of the cast, who the joined Noah into repeating the chorus.

"_That's enough; we've had it with this country!  
__This weather here is absolutely insane!  
__Yes that's enough; we've had it with this country!  
__Why we hate it we really can't explain  
__Quite so we've had enough; we are done with this country!_"

**

* * *

**

Another communist went down, gunned down by the producers.

"Fifty-four communists!" Damian proclaimed. "I will stop talking now."

**

* * *

**

In a little while, the contestants finished with their ice sculptures, which were the covered in sheets while Chris prepared to inspect them.

At the Team CIRRRRH area, Izzy looked at Noah intently.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Izzy – **Recollecting information for a deduction hasn't worked, so super secret agent Izzy will have to discover whether the target is fruitier than a Piña Colada by applying some practical methods.

**

* * *

**

Izzy approached Noah from behind and whispered in his ear.

"Hey Noah."

Noah jumped, scared and turned to look at Izzy. He disguised his fear and spoke in his usual monotone.

"What do you want?"

"Do you wanna kiss me?" She asked.

"What? No."

"Why not?"

"You're my best friends' girlfriend." Noah replied in a condescending tone, pointing out that his motive was obvious.

"OK then."

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Izzy – **The target used sneaky yet reasonable excuses to avoid lip-to-lip investigation so super mega ultra agent Izzy had to use more "sneaky" tactics.

**

* * *

**

The crazy girl grabbed a small icy stalactite and stuck it to her tongue. She then poked Noah in the back and then when he turned around she grabbed his tongue and stuck it to the other end of the stalactite.

"If you want to get free you'll have to kiss me so we can melt the stalactite with our saliva." Izzy said.

"Are you crazy?"

"Duh." Izzy replied. "Now pucker up."

The crazy girl grabbed Noah by the cheeks and then kissed him, making sure that the stalactite was in between their mouths. She made sure to use tongue to both melt the stalactite and entice Noah, however she didn't receive any reply from the kid, who didn't kiss back in the least bit.

When the stalactite was molten, he pulled away and slowly backed away from her while the redhead thought.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah – **That girl terrifies me.

**Izzy – **The target resisted to the smoochy-smoch test so no proper results could be achieved. Yet mega ultra hyper super-dooper goody-goody secret agent Izzy came up with a plan that would undoubtedly determine whether Noah liked to drive his car through caves or if he was a tunnel expecting the train to come in.

**

* * *

**

Chris approached the ice sculptures and prepared to judge them. First he made it to Team Victory's. He reached for the black sheet that covered the statue and upon pulling it off revealed a sloppy, half-made statue of the head of Karl Marx.

"Yeah there's a few problems with this statue." Chris said.

"Like what?" LeShawna asked.

"It sucks."

Immediately after Chris said that, the statue collapsed.

"Correction…it sucked." He added before moving on to Team Amazon.

Heather grabbed the black sheet and proudly pulled it down, revealing a very well carved full-body statue of Stalin, with very well depicted facial details.

"And my brother said that sculpting classes were useless." Gwen stated proudly.

"Pretty good." Chris declared before moving on to Team CIRRRRH.

"Prepare yourself." Alejandro proclaimed before pulling off the sheet.

When the sheet slid off, it revealed a giant, three meter high statue of Chris himself. The statue itself had a smaller statue resting on its palm.

"Wow! This is absolutely incredible!" Chris exclaimed. "You guys win!"

"What?" Every contestant outside Team CIRRRRH protested.

"They didn't even make a statue of Nikita Krunch…Nikita Kursch…Of that Russian guy!" Heather yelled.

"I do believe we did." Alejandro said. "Look."

Alejandro then pointed at the smaller statue resting on Chris' statue's hand. Upon closer inspection they all saw it was a small but decent-looking statue of the former Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev.

"That's enough for me!" Chris proclaimed. "Team I'm Ultra Uber Super Mega Hot wins! You guys get to be in first class today!"

Chris then turned to Team Victory.

"Team Victory, since your statue irrevocably sucked, you guys are on the chopping block tonight…for the third time in a row!" Chris announced, cheerfully. "Man do you guys suck! Now let's all get going to…"

Suddenly fifteen Russian police officers holding Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine guns surrounded the entire cast.

"Those are them!" One of the officers yelled. "Those are the children who stole Lenin's body, attacked that federal agent and decapitated that statue of Gorbachev."

"Plus that one is a drug dealer!" One of them exclaimed while pointing at DJ.

"On what grounds do y'all make that accusation!" DJ exclaimed angrily.

"On the grounds of the color of your skin, blackie." One of the officers replied before knocking out DJ with the butt of his gun.

"Let's take them in!" One of the guards exclaimed.

The guards raised their weapons and began to escort the contestants away from the scene and towards the Kremlin.

**

* * *

**

"Hey Damian, some Russian officials just took Chris and the contestants into custody." Alberti said while looking at the monitors.

"Really?" Hellburn asked after shooting another guerrilla soldier in the face.

Carter nodded.

"Crap, that's it. Let's get out of this goddamn place! Let them fend for themselves!" Damian yelled as he ran to the cockpit.

Carter followed him and sat at the co-pilot seat while they began to take-off. Manuel stood at the door of the plane and managed to see that a blockade had been formed at the end of the runway with ladder-cars.

"If those mutherf_/bleep/_ers didn't get me in the Missionary jungle back in '74, they sure as hell aren't getting me now!" He yelled.

Manuel ran back into the jet and reached under a seat, extracting a rocket launcher. He went back to the jet's door and after briefly taking aim he fired the rocket, which hit the blockade and blew it to pieces, along with the men near it.

As the plane began to lift off the ground, Manny began to shoot at several people who had been approaching their jet when they took off with his AK. When they had gained enough height he closed the door and retreated back into the plane.

"We showed those dirty, rotten communists, didn't we?" He yelled.

"Manny, I think those last people you were just shooting at were just airport workers." Damian told him.

"Whatever."

**

* * *

**

The Russian officers pushed the entire cast into a large study, which had several bookcases in it and at the end a large desk with a wheeled chair behind it. There were two armed guards standing on either side of the desk.

"Here are those teenagers who were committing all those crimes, Mr. Prime Minister." One of the guards said in a thick Russian accent.

The chair was spun round and sitting on it was Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

"Thank you, Sergei." Putin said in a thick Russian accent. "I'll handle them."

The officers left, leaving the contestants and Chris with Putin and his guards.

"Mr. McClean, when your bosses requested permission to film in my city we allowed it because we were promised it would not disrupt daily life of citizens of Moscow and it would not break laws. Yet those officers told me your children have assaulted a federal agent, desecrated a national monument and stolen a very important corpse." Putin said. "You may not like Lenin, but we do for some reason. Seriously I do not comprehend why we still keep that body since we are no longer communists, but we do so we do not like it when people steal it."

"Mr. Putin, you don't have to worry about these children." Chris said, very nervous. "We were going to leave before your officers arrested us."

"I am afraid I cannot let you leave right now." Putin said.

"What are you gonna do?" DJ asked, fearful.

"You will face maximum punishment in Russian law that can be given to foreigners..." Putin proclaimed. "…You will have to fight one hundred rabid bears in unicycles."

"Wait, will we have to be fighting bears riding unicycles or will we have to ride unicycles while we fight the bears?" Owen asked.

"That doesn't matter." Courtney proclaimed. "That punishment is absurd, there is no way it's in your national law."

"Oh yes?" Putin said sardonically before tossing Courtney a book.

Courtney looked at the cover which read "Russian Laws & Statutes".

"Page 164, paragraph three." Putin stated.

Courtney opened the book up to that point and read.

"He's right. It's there." Courtney said. "Which makes me say that this country is very absurd."

"Hey, Lenin himself wrote that and he was an intellectual." Putin proclaimed. "Sure he was kind of crazy but he was still a genius."

The Russian Prime Minister turned to his guards.

"Guards, take them to the bear cage." Putin ordered.

The guards began to approach the contestants but before they could reach them the door to the office was opened and Chef Hatchet stormed in.

"Yo Chris, what's takin' you so damn long?" He yelled.

Chef saw the scenario that was going on and happened to spot Vladimir Putin.

"Oh my God…Vladdy-boy!" Chef exclaimed.

"Vot der'mo…" Putin swore.

"You know this guy?" Chris asked.

"Sure, I met him in '78 during a secret military operation in which the CIA and the KGB worked together to screw the Chinese government." Chef explained. "…And I think I just said too much. Though yeah, I know Vladdy."

Chef Hatchet approached Putin and stood next to him.

"We gotta catch up, man." Chef said. "Tell me, do you still sleep with that stuffed polar bear of yours, Vovy."

"Chef, shut up." Vladimir growled

"Oh man, are you angry?" Chef asked. "Don't tell me somebody stole your sandwich again 'cause I don't think I could endure another one of your sandwich tantrums."

"OK Chef, here is a deal…if you stop talking about embarrassing details of my past I will let you, your friend the narcissistic host and those rotten children leave without charges." Putin proposed.

"Fine." Chef said. "I'll call you some time."

Chef walked towards the door.

"Let's go, I'm getting' sick of this damn cold weather!" Chef yelled. "It's fu_/bleep/_ing freezin' up in here!"

**

* * *

**

The cast made it to the Total Drama Jumbo Jet by nightfall.

"Well everybody, we were originally going to have an elimination ceremony for Team Victory, but now I'm tired and I'm sleepy so we'll just have the elimination some other time." Chris said.

"What?" Heather complained. "Just because some dumb Russian held us back they don't get busted down for losing?"

"Pretty much." Chris said, while walking into his room.

"Damn!" Heather yelled while storming to the economy section.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **¡Mi_/bleep/_a! With Bridgette still in the game I have somebody else to worry about. Luckily I tricked her into thinking I'm not bad, but she still is suspicious of me. _/He ponders for a second/_ I will have to turn on my charm and good-looks even higher…if it's possible to do so.

**

* * *

**

Late at night, all the cast was asleep. In the first class section Noah was lying asleep comfortably on one of the luxury seats when he was awoken by a pebble hitting him on the forehead. Upon waking up he looked down at his lap and saw a small piece of paper that read: "Come to the shower area".

His natural curiosity led him to get up and head over to the shower area. There he found the person who had left him the note.

"Hey Noah!" Izzy exclaimed.

The crazy redhead was standing in the middle of the shower area, wearing bathrobe.

"What do you want, Izzy?" Noah asked.

"I just wanted to show you something." She said.

"What?"

"This…"

The redhead undid her robe and let it fall, displaying her naked figure to Noah. The bookworm's eyes grew as big as saucers and as a little blood ran down his nose he fell backward and passed out.

"Well, he's definitely straight." Izzy said.

She looked at the unconscious Noah and smiled deviously.

"Well, since he's straight and unconscious I might as well have some fun!" She exclaimed.

Izzy picked up Noah and carried him away while nuzzling his unconscious head against her breasts.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Izzy - **_/Wearing her bathrobe/_ Man, that Noah sure is straight. Unconscious he's the best lay I've ever had. I wonder how he is awake. I certainly loved it and I'm sure he really loved it.

**Noah – **_/Scared/ _I woke up at three in the morning in the cargo hold area in my underwear and covered in sweat, scratches and bruises. I really don't know what happened but I think I was mauled by some kind of wild animal. It was horrible.

**

* * *

**

The camera zoomed out of the confessional to reveal it was filmed viewed from a monitor in Chris McClean's bedroom. The host was lying in bed in his pajamas.

"Maybe not a wild animal, but certainly something wild. A wild psychopathic redhead." Chris said. "Tune in next week to find out who else hooks-up, who else gets back-stabbed and who else goes crazy on Total…Drama…_World Toooouuuuur!_

**

* * *

**

**Thanks for reading.**

**I ask you once again to review since my aim is to try and get at least five reviews per chapter on this story.**

**Gracias Totales,  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	3. Broadway, Baby!

**Chapter 3:**** Broadway, Baby!**

Last time on Total Drama World Tour…

The contestants chilled out in cold, old Russia and while they were back in the old USSR they participated in a clue hunt that led them all over Moscow. Courtney's valuation of her friendship with Bridgette as more important than competition cost Team Amazon an easy victory in the first challenge, which gave Team Chris Is So Incredibly and Ultra Super Hot the advantage they needed to finally win final ice sculpting challenge

In the end Team Victory finished last and got the noose again, with Bridgette looking like she was going home; however due to the interruption of some really nasty Russian government officials, me and the stupid children got arrested. Even though we soon got release, we were cut short of time and Team Victory was finally left without an elimination ceremony, saving Bridgette's sorry behind.

Now who will gain access to the coveted first class cabin today and who will get thrown into the dreaded elimination deck? The only way to find out is to watch the whole of today's edition of Total…Drama…_Woooorld Tooooouuuur!_

* * *

In the first class cabin of the Total Drama Jumbo Jet, the members of Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot were relaxing peacefully in the lavish luxuries of winning a challenge. Alejandro and Tyler were sitting on the comfy chairs while enjoying some delicious pancakes with maple syrup.

"This is delicious." Tyler exclaimed.

"Yes my dear teammate. Today we eat the breakfast of champions." Alejandro proclaimed.

Izzy was getting a massage from one of the interns and her face as her back was rubbed up was probably the sanest expression she ever had.

"Oh yeah, that's the spot." She proclaimed.

The crazy girl looked to the side and saw something that caught her eye.

"Oh, look at Big-O." She said. "His fear of flying is so cool!"

What she was looking at was Owen, who had tied himself to his seat with an extra-strength steel rope to make sure he wasn't sucked out of the plane in case of decompression. However, when he rolled to the side and off the edge of the bed/couch he was on, the extra-strength rope couldn't hold and broke, dropping him to the floor and revealing Noah, who had been smashed under Owen.

"Finally!" He yelled. "Thank you for not noticing I was gone the whole night! Who am I? Tyler?"

"Hey!" Tyler exclaimed, offended.

"Oh, don't pretend!" Noah called back.

The bookworm got off the bed/couch and dusted himself off.

"First I get mauled by some wild monster in the cargo area…" Noah grunted.

At the mention of this Izzy giggled naughtily, something that went unnoticed by the rest of her teammates.

"…And then when I get back here Owen falls asleep on top of me!" Noah complained.

"You know Noah; most people enjoy it when others keep their complaints to themselves." Alejandro criticized politely.

"Have you ever had a 100 pound mammoth lie on top of you for hours?" Noah asked.

"No, but I'm sure it can't be that terrible." Alejandro said.

"Owen, please jump on top of Alejandro." Noah requested.

"Sure thing, Little Buddy!" Owen proclaimed.

"Wait. What?" Alejandro exclaimed.

Before Alejandro could barely react, Owen had already leaped on top of him, crushing him against his plane seat.

Alejandro screamed muffled swears until Noah told Owen to get off. Once he did, Alejandro breathed in heavily and looked exhausted to the max.

"Touché." Noah proclaimed haughtily.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **Noah is starting to become a problem. Not only because he is haughty and doesn't trust me but also because Owen is beginning to really befriend him and it is extremely hard to manipulate close friends of Noah and Owen's type against each other.

**

* * *

**

In the economy section both Team Amazon and Team Victory were sulking in defeat.

"Ugh, we could be in the first class right now if somebody hadn't stayed behind during the clue search!" Heather grumbled while looking at Courtney.

"Hey, everybody treated me like crap during season two for being over-competitive and now that I'm doing the opposite you're still chewing me out?" Courtney exclaimed, outraged. "You guys are total hypocrites!"

"I think what you did was good, Court." Gwen said.

"Yeah, I can't thank you enough for helping me, Courtney." Bridgette said from the opposite bunk. "I think maybe you should lay off her, Heather."

"Hey! You stay out of it! You're not part of this team!" Heather yelled.

Gwen turned to Courtney and whispered in her ear.

"Hey, as soon as we get the chance, I'll totally help you vote her off." She said, referring to Heather.

"Agreed." Courtney whispered back.

Meanwhile Team Victory was concerned by their own internal affairs.

"We suck." DJ groaned.

"Big time." LeShawna grumbled.

"Oh come on guys!" Lindsay said cheerfully. "Let's cut it with the downer talk! We're fighters and we're winners!"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Lindsay – **I packed a season's supply of lip gloss and I've barely finished one tube! No way am I going home yet!

**

* * *

**

"Yeah! Come on guys, what happened to that Team Victory spirit from back in Egypt!" Bridgette proclaimed.

"I think it was dehydrated in the desert and later buried in a pile of snow in Russia." DJ said.

"Come on guys, cheer up!" Lindsay proclaimed. "I'm sure this will be our day!"

"I can't believe I'm sayin' this." DJ said. "But Lindsay's right!"

"I guess so." LeShawna said, gaining some spirit. "Yeah…We can do this!"

"Yes we can!" Lindsay exclaimed.

**

* * *

**

Static covers the screen and then the image of producer Damian Hellburn appears on the screen.

"Hello, I am Damian Hellburn, the lead producer of this show." Damian introduced himself. "I would like to point out that Lindsay's use of Barack Obama's catchphrase just now does not in anyway represent the political views of any of the fine people in the production crew of Total Drama. All of us here are evil, unscrupulous and cruel…therefore Republicans."

He smiled politely at the camera and then cleared his throat.

"None of us here are wussy, spineless Democrats." He proclaimed. "Except for Phil from accounting."

"Democrats aren't wussy!" Phil yelled off-camera.

"Yes you are!" Damian countered.

"Yes sir." Phil replied. "But we're still right about healthcare!"

"No you're not!" Damian yelled.

"Yes sir."

Damian turned back to the camera.

"That is all." He said.

After that statement came a flash static.

**

* * *

**

The P.A. rang out and Chef's voice was heard.

"All you maggots report to the cargo hold in five minutes or get your asses whooped!" He yelled.

"Well, he's subtle." Tyler said.

"I'm the sarcastic one here, buddy." Noah said, snidely. "You're the pushover."

"Am not!"

"Yes you are."

"OK."

The three teams entered the cargo area, where they saw Chris wearing a lifejacket and standing on a large dinghy.

"Hello contestants, step right up!" Chris announced.

The contestants climbed into the dinghy and per Chris' instructions sat down on it.

"Why are you the only one wearing a lifejacket?" Noah asked.

"Because I'm the only one who's physical injury doesn't garner ratings." Chris proclaimed.

"Why are we climbin' on the boat now?" LeShawna asked. "Are we landin' on water?"

"Sure, landing…let's call it that." Chris said before reaching for a pull-chain above him.

The host pulled on the chain and suddenly the floor under the boat pulled outwards, revealing the boat was on top of a hatch. The boat suddenly plummeted downwards, falling through the void as the contestants screamed and hung onto dear life by gripping the straps on the sides of the dinghy.

After a prolonged fall, the boat hit the water and the contestants breathed again.

"I hate him…I seriously hate him." Noah said grimly, referring to Chris.

The boat sped along the water and soon the contestants managed to catch glimpse of the Brooklyn Bridge, The Chrysler Building, The Empire State and the Statue of Liberty.

"Welcome children to New York City!" Chris proclaimed.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Lindsay – **New York, New York! Do you know how many stores this place has? I'm gonna buy me ten seasons worth of lip gloss without even trying! _/Squeals in delight/._

**

* * *

**

The contestants were standing at the base of the Statue of Liberty.

"Alright contestants, welcome to Liberty Island! Home to one of New York City's most famous landmarks…the Statue of Liberty!" Chris exclaimed. "Just to give you all a little push in competitiveness, the losers of today's challenge will face elimination and the winners will receive as a reward an all expenses paid shopping spree in Manhattan, followed by a night musical show on Broadway and finally a five star dinner!"

The contestants cheered grandly.

"I have got to win that shopping spree." Lindsay said, ultra determined.

"Your first challenge is a race across the city to the intersection of Broadway and 7th Avenue…A location much better known as Times Square!" Chris announced.

"How do we race to Times Square if we're on an island?" Gwen asked.

"First you will all have to climb up some ropes to the top of the statue and once at the crown retrieve the keys to some speed-boats." Chris said.

The contestants groaned upon seeing how tall the statue really was.

"Then you will have to climb back down, get on your respective boats and follow the buoys to the next location where you will pick a car and then race by land to Times Square." Chris summed up. "Now, let the race begin!"

The teams rode forth to the place where three ropes were suspended in the air. The ropes ran to the top of the statue.

In the Team CIRRRRH rope, Alejandro began to climb followed by Izzy, who merrily proclaimed that she was a "rabid spider monkey". In the Team Amazon spot, Cody attempted to climb but he was stopped by Courtney.

"I know the best way to climb!" Courtney proclaimed.

"You're not going to suggest we belay again, right?" Gwen said, rhetorically. "Because that worked _so_ well in Egypt."

"But…No…I…Never mind." Courtney said.

"I think Sierra should decide." Heather proclaimed.

"OMG! I thought I knew everything about everyone on this show but you're really nice Heather." Sierra replied.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Sierra – **Of course I know Heather's playing me! I've seen every episode like fifteen times. Hello! _/Her voice turns hushed/_ I'm playing Heather.

**

* * *

**

Looking at the scene from above, Alejandro began to scowl.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **That crafty minx Heather is vile. She's trying to get Sierra on her side. Of course! She is Chris' favorite! If she gets her she gets Chris. Well, no matter how much I respect Heather for her evil cleverness I am not letting her get away with it. I need a way to ruin Sierra's favor _/Thinks/_ And I think I know how… _/Smiles evilly/_.

**

* * *

**

Even higher above the statue, a helicopter was hovering in mid-air. Inside the helicopter were three people. One of them was piloting, another was monitoring the skies for military airplanes with a pair of binoculars and the third man was looking at three monitors which displayed images of the contestants competing. These three men were Total Drama's producers Damian Hellburn, Manuel Alberti and Carter Denham.

Denham was piloting, Alberti was spying with the binoculars and Hellburn was on the monitors.

"All is looking good down there." Damian said, looking at the monitors and referring to the competition.

"I gotta ask again, why am I the one who is sitting on the edge of a hundred meter dropped, spying for military jets in a position where I could easily get shot by those jets if one were to appear." Alberti asked, disgruntled.

"Well because out of all the three of us Manuel, you are one that makes the least money and therefore the least important." Damian explained.

Manuel sighed.

"Well, I can't argue with that logic." He resigned and kept on looking out the side.

**

* * *

**

Noah climbed up the rope, struggling not to slip and fall, which was made even more complicated when Owen, who was above him, farted. The gas shot down into Noah's face, causing him to gag and almost plummet.

"Sorry Little Buddy!" Owen apologized.

"No problem." Noah remarked bitterly.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah –** It's getting harder every day to stand these people. Owen's lucky he's my friend, though I'm not even sure why. Sure he's an amusing companion that understands my jokes and is quite funny and agreeable but he is considerably irritating. I guess I'll just have to bear the dumb things he does like the one on the rope just then. _/Thinks for a second/_ I just spoke of that action as if it had just occurred despite the fact that it obviously didn't since I couldn't possibly have gone from there to here just now...Come to think of, everybody in these confessionals speaks of events as if they had just happened despite the impossibility of accessing these confessionals while competing. What's up with that? Continuity error much.

**

* * *

**

The teams kept climbing. Twenty-five minutes later, the contestants were about half-way up the ropes.

"It's been twenty-five prisoner busting minutes and nothing! You guys are bumming me out!" Chris yelled. "Somebody get hurt already!"

Alejandro, holding onto his rope, swung onto Team Amazon's rope right above Sierra.

"I'm worried about Chris." Alejandro told her, feigning concern. "Do you ever get the feeling he misses his glory days? You know, back when he was a huge star. Thought he feels like no one remembers…No one cares…"

Alejandro swung away and Sierra was left to contemplate.

"Poor Chris…I remember…I CARE!" Sierra yelled.

The cast kept on climbing until they most of them made it to the top. Team Amazon made it first and while Heather reached for the keys to their speedboat from one of the tips of the crown of the statue, Sierra approached Chris.

"Hey Chris! Know what? I own all of your TV appearances on DVD." Sierra told him. "Even your cooking show 'Keep It Plain With Chris McClean'."

At this point Chris left eye was twitching.

"Your recipe for white rice was so great. It's totally unfair that you got cancelled after only just one episode!" Sierra said.

This prompted the rest of the cast that were on the statue's crown to burst out laughing, much to Chris annoyance.

"I was going through a phase." Chris justified himself.

Heather nabbed the keys from the crown and raced back to her teammates.

"Team Amazon, you're on the lead!" Chris exclaimed.

"How do we get back down?" Courtney asked.

Chris pointed to a hole and a fireman's pole that appeared out of nowhere.

"Fire exit anyone? It's only a thirty story drop." Chris proclaimed sadistically.

Team Amazon circled around the hole with the pole that led to the floor and timidly contemplated who should go first.

"What the hell!" Gwen exclaimed. "Someone's got to do it!"

The Goth gripped onto the pole and then slid down, progressively gaining speed and screaming loudly until the hit the ground.

"I'm OK!" She called out.

Swallowing their fears, Courtney, Heather, Sierra and Cody all slid down.

Above them, Team Victory reached the top and then slid down the pole as well, followed by a delayed Team CIRRRRH.

Team Amazon hoped onto their boat. Courtney took the wheel and the boat sped off, following the buoys through the water, with Team Victory close behind and Team CIRRRRH at a considerable distance.

Team Amazon made it to the land drop off right under the Brooklyn Bridge. There they saw three parked cars. One of them was a red '68 Dodge Charger sedan, the second was a black Cadillac CTS and the last was a '68 Chevrolet Impala convertible sedan.

Since they could hear both Team Victory and Team CIRRRRH approaching, Team Amazon quickly ran to the closest car, the '68 Charger and hopped on. Since Courtney was the only one with a driver's license she hopped into the driver's seat, Gwen into the passenger and Sierra, Cody and Heather crammed into the back.

Courtney turned the key in the ignition and as soon as the car came to life, a GPS on the console turned on, displaying a route to be taken.

"Alright, let's get this show on the road!" Courtney exclaimed before hitting the gas and taking off.

Team Victory arrived next and upon seeing the classic car, LeShawna was charmed.

"Oh yeah, let's take that hot ass Impala!" LeShawna exclaimed.

LeShawna hopped into the driver's seat, Bridgette into the passenger and DJ and Lindsay into the back. The ghetto girl turned on the car and then followed the GPS instructions.

Finally Team CIRRRRH reached shore and without any choices left they hopped into the Caddy. Alejandro took the driver's seat, Tyler the passenger and Noah, Izzy and Owen crammed into the back. Alejandro turned the car on and sped off.

**

* * *

**

Team Amazon's car sped down the streets of Manhattan at a considerable speed, violating several traffic laws that Courtney normally wouldn't disregard but that she forgot about for the sake of competition.

Despite the fact that they were doing 75 m/ph in a commercial street area and dodging several cars, somebody still wasn't satisfied with their performance.

"Speed it up, Courtney!" Heather yelled.

"If I speed up anymore I'll ram into another car, Heather." Courtney said.

"You are a lousy driver." Heather said.

"You think you could do better?" Courtney relied rhetorically.

"Yeah. Give me the wheel."

Heather reached over Courtney's shoulder from behind her and tried to grab the wheel.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Courtney yelled. "You'll get us killed!"

"I won't if you just let me drive!"

"Get off me!"

The two girls struggled for the wheel while their teammates screamed in peril as the car lost control and finally rammed into a light post, knocking it down and damaging the car beyond any function. Team Amazon got out of the wrecked car and looked at the mess.

"Great going Heather!" Gwen yelled.

"It was Courtney fault!" The Asian girl defended herself.

"My fault?" Courtney yelled. "You're the one who tried to steal the wheel!"

"Whatever, let's try to fix the car." Heather said.

"I don't think this car is running ever again." Cody said.

"Well…we're done for." Gwen muttered and then sat down. "We've lost."

"Yeah." Sierra and Cody echoed.

"What?" Courtney exclaimed. "We can't just give up! We have to find a way!"

"Let's face it Courtney, this couldn't possibly get any worse." Gwen said.

Gwen immediately stood corrected as the "song required" bell chimed.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Heather exclaimed. "I am not singing."

The black haired girl sat down and grumbled.

Brass band music began to play and as she noticed that her teammates weren't in a singing position, Courtney made a resolution.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – **My teammates clearly were too beaten down to actually participate in the musical number, so I decided it was up to me to save the team…again. Anyway it isn't so bad…it's always been a dream of mine to sing in New York City. Though I would prefer it to be on a Broadway stage rather than a dirty street but…Beggars can't be choosers.

**

* * *

**

A jazzy, high-spirited brass band tune that resembled a cabaret song began to play in the background and Courtney cleared her throat to sing.

"_Come on guys don't just sit and scowl  
__We worked too hard to throw in the towel  
__You'll never know what goddess fortune brings  
__All you know is the show ain't over 'til this girl sings._"

Courtney hopped onto the wrecked car and continued to sing passionately.

"_I know that right now things really seem dark  
__But we all knew this show's not a walk in the park  
__Things tend to get better if you think positive things  
__And you have to remember it ain't over 'till this girl sings._"

Courtney leaped off the car and approached her teammates once more while singing, resting one hand on Gwen's shoulder and another on Cody's.

"_We cannot just let victory our go  
__We have to buckle up and go on with the show  
__We just can't let Chris pull out our strings!  
__We have to keep going even if this girl sings!_"

A block away, a stereotypically looking rich man, wearing a top hat, a fancy suit and holding a cane; tripped and his cane and hat were blown away by harsh wind. The hat then happened to land on Courtney's head and his cane rolled right next to her. She picked it up and began to use it as a guider as she sang. Courtney held the bottom of the cane and rested the opposite edge on her shoulder while she strutted confidently and sung in a different melody but in the same rhythm.

"_It isn't enough to just talk the talk  
__In this world you have to walk the walk  
__Can't just sit around and squawk the squawk  
__You have to build your winning tower block by block._"

Courtney began to spin around the cane in her hands.

"_To get things done we'll have to work a lot  
__Quitters are losers and are left to rot  
__Plans must be laid out and followed to the dot  
__But most importantly you must surrender not._"

The melody of the tune returned to the original tune and Courtney leaned on the cane while she sang.

"_So listen to me my teammates dear  
__To failure we must stand up and never fear  
__We might just get lucky and hear the victory bell ring  
__And even if we don't we'd have kept going while this girl sings._"

The rhythm slowed down to a marching tune and Courtney began to goose-step while holding her cane to her shoulder.

"_So…we…must never stop the clock  
__And it might really come to shock  
__That if we keep doing driven thiiiings…_"

Courtney stopped her goose stepping and then while standing still, she raised her arms and delivered the song's closing line.

"_We…will…win even after thiiiiis giiiirl siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings!_"

Courtney leaped into the air and then landed on her knees, sliding briefly along the sidewalk before coming to a stop.

"Yeah!" She exclaimed.

At that point the stereotypical rich man walked up to Courtney and angrily snatched back his cane and hat.

"Gimme that!" He snapped before running off.

Courtney stood up and dusted herself off.

"What I meant to say is that we're the best damn team in this goddamn contest!"

"Yeah, we can do this." Cody exclaimed.

"YES!" Sierra screeched.

"Well, it's nice and all to be perked up but how exactly are we going to get to Times Square?" Heather asked condescendingly.

Courtney thought for a second and then heard a loud rumbling sound and happened to catch a glimpse of some steam coming out of grate in the street and street coming out of a street could only mean one thing…

"The subway!" Courtney exclaimed.

"Huh?" Her teammates asked.

"Come on, quick!" She exclaimed.

The prep rushed to the steaming grate and proceeded to lift off the lid.

"Follow me." She exclaimed before leaping into the grate. Her teammates followed suit and they found themselves landing on the roof of a subway cart.

"The subway line of mid Manhattan makes a stop in Times Square!" Courtney exclaimed.

"We're gonna win this!" Gwen yelled.

"Yeah!" Sierra and Heather cheered.

**

* * *

**

"We're gonna win this!" LeShawna exclaimed.

Team Victory raced down 7th Avenue, being three blocks away from Times Square.

"We're gonna make it!" Lindsay exclaimed. "I'm gonna get to shop for so many cool things!"

However, Team Victory's confidence was shaken down a little when the Team CIRRRRH hot Caddy managed to catch up with them.

LeShawna hammered down on the gas but the Caddy still kept up pretty close. Alejandro managed to line his team's car horizontally with Team Victory's and looked over to the other car. When he saw that LeShawna was driving and that she was looking at him, he acted quickly and gave her a charming smile. At that point LeShawna was distracted and swooned, blushing all over.

Unfortunately for her team, her swooning and infatuated blushing caused her to not look at the road for long enough to steer right into oncoming traffic.

"LeShawna watch out!" DJ screamed in panic.

Upon hearing the large guy's scream of peril, LeShawna realized that she was actually on the wrong lane and quickly swerved, avoiding hitting a rapidly coming truck but instead hitting and knocking over a fire hydrant.

When she realized that her shopping spree was threatened, Lindsay gave a huge wail.

"For the love of God drive!" Lindsay screamed.

As soon as LeShawna put the car in reverse, Lindsay jumped on top of her and took control of the car. She revved it up in a fury and after putting it back into drive she sped up, going from 0 to 90 miles an hour in a second.

From their position, Team Victory saw that Team CIRRRRH had already caught up with Chris but that Team Amazon was nowhere to be seen.

"We can still do this!" Bridgette exclaimed.

However they were disillusioned when they saw Team Amazon emerge from some subway stairs and race to where Chris was on foot. The members of the rival team reached Chris a split second before Team Victory did and Chris decidedly proclaimed:

"Team Victory arrives last, severely reducing their chances of winning that shopping spree."

As soon as she heard those words Lindsay fell to the ground and let out an ear piercing scream of dread.

* * *

"What the hell was that?" Damian asked upon hearing what he thought was a scream.

"Sounds like de dying moan of a baby whale." Manuel answered.

"How do you know what the dying moan of a baby whale sounds like?" Damian asked.

"I kill them all the time. You know that. We ate baby whale tacos for lunch last week." Manuel reminded him.

"Oh right...I forgot."

**

* * *

**

"Alright guys, we have to keep making an awesome show." Chris announced.

"Chris, you are such a brilliant commander." Sierra complimented. "That's why you always stood out in your boy band."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa…Chris was in a boy band?" Owen asked.

"Moving on!" Chris exclaimed, trying to end the embarrassing discussion.

"He was…back in the 80's." Sierra said.

At that point Sierra began to sing briefly.

"_Making trouble  
__Is easy to do  
__But making you love me  
__Is painful._"

Then realization struck Gwen and while smiling she spoke with an unbelieving tone.

"You were in Fametown?" She exclaimed, holding back laughter.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**DJ - **_/Hysterical laughter/._

**Owen - **_/More hysterical laughter/_.

**Courtney - **_/Even more hysterical laughter/_.

**Chef Hatchet - **_/Far more hysterical laughter/_ I am gonna be mockin' him with this for years!

**

* * *

**

The entire cast burst into a hysterical laughing fit, mocking Chris while his left eye-twitched in anger.

"I really admire how you never let mockery get to you." Sierra said. "I'll have to include that in your obituary. I already have a first draft. Wanna hear it?"

Sierra cleared her throat and then spoke again.

"Christopher McClean was born in 1978…"

"THAT'S IT!" Chris screamed. "ZIP IT! PERMANENTLY!"

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **Sierra could have been Chris's pet all season but she threw it away, which makes her way less useful. How could this have happened? _/Thinks for a moment before realization dawns on her/_ Wait a minute…That smile…Alejandro! That sneaky jerk! OK, it's really on now! Just you wait…

**

* * *

**

The cast were blindfolded and then led into a theater. The fact that they were blindfolded while they crossed the street caused for Tyler to accidentally get struck by a motor bike rider but nobody in the vast really seemed to notice that, much to his annoyance.

When the blindfolds were removed, the contestants saw they were in a theater.

"Welcome contestants to the Majestic Theater, one of the most famous Broadway theaters of them all, perhaps most famous because this show has hosted for the past 23 years the longest running musical of all time…The Phantom of the Opera!" Chris explained. "…And tonight you children will have to perform a class Broadway musical number here in this theater using some of the props we've left for you backstage."

"You mean we will perform a Broadway musical number…in a famous Broadway theater?" Courtney asked, exhilarated.

"Yes." Chris replied.

At that point Courtney gave a small croak and while having the most joyful expression anyone had ever seen on her, she obliviously fell forward and landed on top of Noah, accidentally burying his face in her bosom.

Noah groaned in discomfort until Gwen and Bridgette helped Courtney up and off Noah's face. The bookwork got up, dusted himself off and groaned.

"Well that was throroughly unpleasant." Noah said. "…For the third time."

The cynic walked off to get closer to the stage, once again apparently either oblivious or indifferent to the fact that he had just enjoyed every straight teenager's delight.

"I don't know why but Noah suddenly seems a lot more attractive." Courtney replied.

The other boys were both envying and admiring Noah.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **Noah is brilliant.

**Tyler – **That guy is a genius!

**Cody – **He's the smartest man alive!

**Alejandro – **Huh, his absolute indifference makes the girls like him…and I thought he was a threat to my plans before. I have to make sure he goes down quickly as soon as I get the opportunity.

**

* * *

**

"Alright, since Team I'm the Most Incredible Human Being In All Existence won the cross city race they get to pick their props first. You have twenty minutes to pick what you'll use." Chris said. "Your musical number doesn't have to feature all members of the team but it has to feature at least one."

"How can it feature less than one?" Chef asked him in a mocking fashion.

"Well by…they could…shut up, Chef!" Chris wailed at him while Chef giggled.

The teams all went into the prop room one by one and collected all their necessary props and costumes. In order to not disclose to the other teams what song they would play, each team stuffed their props and costumes inside a wooden trunk and went back to where Chris and Chef were.

"Alright, Team CIRRRRH goes first. You guys go backstage and set everything up. We'll draw the curtain in five minutes." Chris announced.

Team Victory and Team Amazon settled onto their seats.

"Alright, quickly. We have to decide what song to perform." Gwen said.

"I keep saying you let me do the song 'Cabaret'." Heather said. "I did it during the school musical when my damn drama teacher wouldn't pass me and the audience loved it."

"I saw that video on the Internet Heather, everybody booed you." Gwen said. "Even your parents."

"Shut up!"

"How about something from "Sweeny Todd" and it's from Sondheim." Gwen suggested.

"Gwen, as this team's unofficial leader and arbiter of all that is good I must say that I don't think that's good enough for Regionals." Courtney told her.

"What?" Heather asked.

"Sorry, mixed up with another show." Courtney said. "I mean it's not good enough for this. Too dark and gothic."

"True." Heather said.

"I think I have an idea…" Cody said shyly.

"Oh! Listen to Cody! Anything he has to say must be brilliant!" Sierra exclaimed.

Cody recoiled in displeasure at Sierra's interjection but then spoke in a whispered voice so that Team Victory wouldn't hear.

"Ok that's really pervy." Gwen said. "…But it could work."

"As much as it hurts me to admit it, and it does, Cody is right." Heather said.

"I guess so." Courtney said.

"I told you my Cody was a genius!" Sierra exclaimed and then hugged Cody, choking the air out of him.

"Alright kids, showtime!" Chris exclaimed.

Chris gave Chef the signal and Chef pulled on a large rope, pulling the curtain open and revealing a pitch black stage. Then flood-lights hit the stage, revealing Alejandro sitting on a chair with Noah, Tyler, Owen and Izzy surrounding him. Noah pressed the play button on a nearby stereo and then jazzy vaudeville music began to play.

Alejandro reached behind his seat and pulled out a ventriloquist dummy that looked exactly like Bridgette, which he sat down on his lap.

Eventually Noah was the one to start the song.

"_Where'd you come from?_"

Then Alejandro, using a silly voice and speaking through the dummy Bridgette without moving is lips at all in perfect ventriloquism sang back.

"_Mississippi._"

Owen followed.

"…_And your parents?_"

Dummy Bridgette, actually Alejandro, then replied.

"_Very wealthy._"

Tyler then sang.

"_Where are they now?_"

Then Dummy Bridgette sang again.

"_Six feet under._"

After that Alejandro sang but using his normal voice.

"_But she was granted one more start…_"

After that Alejandro switched back to the dummy voice.

"_The Convent of the Sacred Heart!_"

Then Noah, Owen and Tyler all sang at once:

"_Then what happened?_"

Dummy Bridgette answered:

"_I met Amos and he stole my heart away  
__Convinced me to elope one day._"

"Oh you poor girl, I can't believe what you've been through!" Izzy exclaimed. "A convent girl…a runaway marriage! Now tell us Roxy…"

Izzy switched to a singing voice.

"_Who's Fred Casely?_"

Bridgette dummy replied:

"_My ex-boyfriend._"

The chorus, which is Noah, Owen, Tyler and Izzy sang:

"_Why'd you shoot him?_"

Dummy Bridgette sang:

"_I was leaving._"

The chorus sang:

"_Was he angry?_"

Dummy Bridgette sang:

"_Like a mad man._"

The chorus sang:

"_Did you fight him?_"

Dummy Bridgette sang:

"_Like a tiger._"

Then Alejandro switched to his normal voice and sang:

"_He had strength and she had none._"

Then he returned to singing in his silly, cartoon voice through Dummy Bridgette:

"_And yet we both reached for the gun.  
__Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes,  
__Oh yes we both, oh yes we both  
__Oh yes we both reached for  
__The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun  
__Oh yes we both reached for the gun  
__For the gun._"

**

* * *

**

The camera shifts to static and then to the image of producer Damian Hellburn.

"Hi everybody, due to the fact that this song is considerably long we have cut its demonstration short through the magic of editing, so we'll skip to the very end. OK?" He said. "We don't care if you think it's not OK."

**

* * *

**

"_Both reached for theeeeeeeee guuuuuuuuuun!_" Alejandro sang.

The chorus then sang while Alejandro held onto the final note of the previous line:

"_The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun  
__The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun  
__The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun  
__The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun._"

After Alejandro finished that final note, the chorus sang one final time:

"_Both reached for the gun!_"

When the song finished, Chef and Chris cheered.

"Alright, now that's awesome!" Chris cheered. "You guys are good! Now it's Team Victory's turn."

Chris turned to Team Victory.

"Get up there and start preparing." He said.

Team Victory obeyed and marched to the back of the stage.

"OK, why the hell did Alejandro use a dummy of me for that performance?" Bridgette asked. "I'm pretty sure it's because he was showing off that he thinks I'm a dummy and that he 'manipulated' me like a puppet when he tricked me into sticking my tongue to a statue in Russia."

"Whoa girl, you readin' too much into the lines!" LeShawna said. "I'm sure he used that as a compliment to you. In the play his character helps the character that is used as a dummy in that number. He wants to be yo friend."

"Don't you mean he wants to be _more_ then my friend?" Bridgette asked.

"I think not. I think he's got eyes for somebody else." LeShawna said, in a territorial manner.

"I'm still not letting him off the hook." Bridgette said.

"Relax girl." LeShawna said.

"Team Victory, you're up!" Chris called out.

"Alright, wish me luck." LeShawna said.

LeShawna stepped into the stage.

"You can do it, LeFonda!" Lindsay screamed. "Go win us that shopping spree! I wanna shop 'till I fall!"

"Don't you mean 'till you 'drop', Lindsay?" DJ asked.

"No CJ, that doesn't make any sense." Lindsay said while Bridgette and DJ gave each other quizzical looks.

LeShawna stepped out onto the stage, wearing a shiny red dress and when DJ hit a button on the stereo and music began to play, she began to sing.

"_And I am telling you…I'm not going!_" She sang out with a powerful voice.

The rest of the cast was impressed, and a Latino in particular was concerned.

"_You're the best man I'll ever know.  
__There's no way I can ever go.  
__No, no, no, there's no way!  
__No, no, no, no way I'__m living without you.  
__I'm not living without you…  
__I don't ever wanna be free.  
__I'm staying…  
__I'M STAYING!  
__And you, and you  
__You're gonna love MEEEEEEEE!  
__YEAH! Woohooo…  
__You're gonna love me…_"

In the audience, where most of the cast was cheering, Alejandro was looking at the performance with a concerned expression. LeShawna was very good and her blatant reference to "Glee" was excellent.

**

* * *

**

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **It was at that point that I realized that it was up to me to make my team win…by absolutely destroying LeShawna's chances of doing the same for her team.

**

* * *

**

When LeShawna began to strut forward to the front of the stage, Alejandro noticed she was looking at him adoringly and probably dedicating the song to him, he thought. He quickly formulated a plan and snatched a water bottle from Chris and Chef's judge table. He opened his shirt and then sprayed some of the water on his well chiseled chest.

From the stage, LeShawna saw that and was so entranced that she didn't notice she was walking off the stage until she found herself in mid-air, falling onto the theater floor.

"Damn!" LeShawna yelled. "I'm sorry; let me get back on stage."

"No. Once you get off the stage your performance is over." Chris said. "We don't have time for do overs. We'll judge you based on what we just saw."

"But…"

"No damn butts, girl!" Chef yelled. "Get back to yo damn seat at the damn audience!"

LeShawna moped and returned to her seat.

"Team Amazon. Step right up!" Chris ordered.

Team Amazon got up and did as told. Where her team was, LeShawna began to speak.

"I'm sorry guys, I got distracted and…"

"Not a word, shopping spree ruiner!" Lindsay yelled.

"But…"

"Not a word!" Lindsay repeated and then put on an angry pout that convinced LeShawna to stop trying.

"Relax Lindsay." DJ said. "We might still get a chance to avoid elimination. Team Amazon might not do so well…or rather they would have to do worse than just so well to be worse than us they to do pretty horribly but…it could happen."

"Not likely." Bridgette said. "I hung out with Courtney a lot between seasons and if there is something she's very good at it's music, especially musical comedies. We might as well start choosing who to vote for."

"I already know who _I'm_ voting for." Lindsay pouted, causing LeShawna to gulp nervously.

"Team Amazon to the scene." Chris said.

Chef Hatchet pulled open the curtain to reveal Courtney and Heather sitting on two chairs around a table. Heather was dressed in a tank top and tight leather pants while Courtney was dressed in a gray pantsuit.

Heather walked up to Courtney and stood in front of her, she then began to sing soothingly.

"_Every single day, I walk down the street  
__I hear people say 'baby' so sweet  
__Ever since puberty  
__Everybody stares at me!  
__Boys, girls, I can't help it, baby!_"

Heather smiled at Courtney and took her hands. She then ran Courtney's hands up and down her hips before finally placing them on her butt, causing Courtney to give a devious grin while Heather placed her hands on Courtney's shoulders and sang.

"_So be kind and don't lose you mind.  
__Just remember that I'm your baby!_"

Heather smiled tenderly and rested her forehead against Courtney's while she sang the chorus.

"_Take me for what I am!  
__Who I was meant to be!  
__And if you give a damn,  
__Take me baby…_"

Heather threw Courtney's hands off herself and then pulled away.

"…_Or leave me._"

The black haired girl then stood up on the table.

"_Take me baby or leave me!_"

Courtney turned to face Heather and then heather began to sing again.

"_A tiger in a cage can never see the sun  
__This diva needs her stage! Baby, let's have fun!  
__You are the one I choose! Folks would kill to fill your shoes!  
__You'll love the limelight too now, baby!_"

Heather got off the stage and then stood in front of Courtney again.

"_So be mine and don't waste my time  
__Crying 'Oh, honey bear; are you still my, my, my baby!'!  
__Take me for what I am;  
__Who I was meant to be!  
__And if you give a damn  
__Take me baby or leave me._"

Heather then jumped on the table again and sung passionately from up there once more.

"_No way, can I be what I'm not.  
__But hey! Don't you want your girl hot?_"

While saying that last line, Heather slapped her ass for emphasis.

"_Don't bite; don't lose your head…  
_'_Cause every night who's in your bed?  
__Who's in your bed?_"

Heather leaped off the table and then sat on Courtney's lap. She then leaned in and tried to kiss her.

"Kiss pookie." She said.

However, Courtney rejected her, pushing her off her lap and standing up to sing.

"_It won't work. I look before I leap  
__I love margins and discipline.  
__I make lists in my sleep, baby!  
__What's my sin? Never quit.  
__I follow through.  
__I hate mess but I love you!  
__What to do with my impromptu baby?_"

Courtney stood up on the table and then began to sing in a manner similar to the one Heather had sung a minute before.

"_So be wise 'cause this girl satisfies.  
__You've got a prize so don't compromise!  
__You are one lucky baby!  
__Take me for what I am!_"

"A control freak." Heather interjected.

"_Who I was meant to be!_"

"A snob yet over-attentive." Heather commented.

"_And if you give a damn!_"

"A loveable droll geek." Heather interrupted.

"_Take me baby or leave me!_"

"An anal retentive!" Heather yelled.

Courtney leaped off the table and stood face-to-face in front of Heather, their faces only an inch apart from each other.

"_That's it!_"

Courtney sang.

"_The straw that breaks my back!_"

Then both of them.

"_I quit!_"

Then Courtney.

"_Unless you take it back!_"

Then both.

"_Women! What is it about them?  
__Can't live with them or without them!_"

The two girls then stood on the table and once again sang with their faces an inch away from each other.

"_Take me for what I am!  
__Who I was meant to be!  
__And if you give a damn  
__You better take me baby or leave me!  
__Take me babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Yeah!  
__Or leave me!_"

Then, Courtney took Heather's cheeks and planted a full-forced kiss on her lips. Heather's eyes remained open briefly, as did the eyes of every guy (and Izzy) in the audience, but then she closed them and sank into the kiss, which lasted for about seven seconds before they both pulled apart and then finished the song.

"_Guess I'm leaving.  
__I'm gone!_"

Both girls jumped off the table and walked off the stage in opposite directions. However, they met once again in the backstage area.

"Courtney…" Heather said.

"Yes?" Courtney asked embarrassed.

"That kiss wasn't scripted." Heather said.

"I just figured it would be more…appealing to the audience." Courtney replied, trying to sound nonchalant. "I'm pretty sure it'll make us win."

"I guess so…"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – **I only did it for victory. I only like guys. Guys who are strong and mighty, with hard pecs and so well defined abs_ /sighs excitedly/ _like Duncan; unlike girls who are soft and tender and have such juicy, luscious curves and…Damn it! Only guys! Only guys!

**Heather – **Now I see what Duncan sees in her.

**

* * *

**

All the cast was on the stage along with Chris and Chef, who were ready to pass their final verdict.

"…And the winners are…Everybody please lean in expectantly…"

All three teams then did as told and leaned in expectantly.

"…Team Amazon!" Chris shouted out loud.

The girls and Cody of Team Amazon cheered wildly while the members of the other two teams groaned angrily.

"Team Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, _Meeeeeee _came in second, which means that the ironically named Team Victory loses once again and gets shipped straight to the elimination bin." Chris announced. "Team Amazon, meet Chef outside so he can drive you to all the stores you want for your all-expenses paid shopping spree and later to the Ambassador Theater, where you will watch a great production of 'Chicago'!"

Team Amazon cheered wildly.

"…And then to dinner at the Olive Garden!"

"Boo!" Team Amazon exclaimed.

"Hey, what are you expecting…with all the money we're spending on the shopping and the theatre we couldn't go all out on dinner." Chris explained. "It was either that or 'Fat Louie's Deli', but 'Fat Louie's' was far too classy."

* * *

"Do you guys hear that?" Damian asked.

"I do." Manuel answered.

What they meant was the sound of something large approaching. Currently the helicopter they were on was hovering at a considerable height above the Majestic Theater. Their thoughts on what the sound was were confirmed when they heard:

"Unidentified flying vehicle, prepare to be terminated!"

The producers looked to the right of the helicopter and saw a military fighter jet approaching and launching a missile at them. Manuel and Damian screamed while Carter manouvered the heli out of the way, however the missile struck a building next to their chopper and the blast launched the copter downward, causing it to crash against the roof of the Majestic.

The producers all survived and then climbed out of the burning wreckage.

"What did we learn today?" Damian asked rhetorically.

"Never fly an unauthorized vehicle over American airspace." Manuel answered.

"Exactly."

**

* * *

**

**(Voting confessional)**

**Lindsay - **_/Stamps a passport while pouting angrily_/ Nobody ruins a shopping spree for Lindsay Gauthier! Or is it Lindsay Guilder? I can't remember.

**Bridgette - **_/Stamps a passport with some grief/ _I'm sorry, but you did kinda have it coming.

**DJ - **_/Stamps a passport/_.

**LeShawna - **_/Stamps a passport/_ I know that I screwed up majorly today, but my team will realize that I'm too helpful to just throw me out, right? _/Doubts for a second/_ Right?

* * *

At the elimination cabin, Chris stood behind his podium and Team Victory sat at the bleachers.

"Let's make this fast. I bought a 'Funny Girl' DVD that I want to watch." Chris said. "That Barbara just gets me all excited."

Chris pulled out the peanut bags and tossed the first one to Bridgette.

"Bridgette."

He thought for a second.

"Lindsay."

He tossed a bag to the blonde, leaving only DJ and LeShawna. Though he didn't take long to finally toss the bag to somebody…

"DJ."

He tossed the bag to the Jamaican boy.

"You guys voted me out?" LeShawna asked, shocked.

"I'm sorry LeShawna, but you did screw it up." Bridgette said, reluctantly.

"Yeah, you shopping ruiner!" Lindsay yelled.

LeShawna sighed and the picked up her parachute. She walked to the door but before she jumped she turned around to say something but saw all her teammates and Chris had already left. She sighed.

"Damn, nobody even stayed to see me jump."

"I did."

LeShawna lifted her head to see Alejandro approaching.

"Alejandro, you came for me!" She said, joyful.

"Yes, why wouldn't I come to see my victory be completed." Alejandro said.

"Victory, what do you mean?"

"Let me explain…"

Subsequently, Alejandro pushed LeShawna out of the plane and that's when realization dawned on her.

"Alejandro, you evil bastaaaaaaaaaaard!" She screamed as she fell until her voice was unintelligible.

The camera switched to the cockpit, where Chef was piloting and Chris was watching his 'Funny Girl' DVD on a portable player.

"Wow! What a dramatic finish!" Chris explained. "Will there be any more realization soon? Will more drama arise? Will Team Victory switch their name to the far more appropriate Team Trainwreck? Find out next week on Total…Drama…_Woooooorld Toooooouuuur!_"

**

* * *

**

**The reason why I made the last challenge musical themed was because I found it ironic that an episode titled "Broadway, Baby!" had such little references to Broadway and musicals themselves. Seriously, they didn't even go to Broadway and they barely made reference to musicals even though they were in New York. Doesn't work.**

**The songs used in the final challenge were "We Both Reached For The Gun" from **_**Chicago**_**, "And I Am Telling You" from **_**Dreamgirls **_**and "Take Me Or Leave Me" from **_**RENT. **_

**Also, the next episode is the first Aftermath and I would like to ask you to please, if you review, include a question that you would like to ask to any of the eliminated contestants or contestants that didn't qualify, though note that Duncan and Ezekiel aren't included in that. Thank you.**

**Please review. Remember my goal.**

**Gracias Totales,  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	4. In A Big Country

**Sorry for taking so long to update this**** story but I was really uninspired.**

**I've skipped the first aftermath because I didn't know what to do with it, but it doesn't matter much anyway.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: In a Big Country**

Last time on Total Drama World Tour! The contestants went to the city that never sleeps and participated in challenges that probably scared 'em enough to not sleep for a while too. They climbed up the Lady Liberty, raised across the Hudson, drove across the big Apple and sung a song in the Majestic.

Team I'm Is The Greatest Thing Ever won the first challenge after arriving first to Times Square in an incredibly illegal race for which we had to simulate a terrorist attack threat in order to clear out Times' Square, but ultimately lost the final challenge when Courtney and Heather won by performing a number that not only showed the abilities of the girls in that team, but also Courtney's taste for the love that dare not speak its name *snicker*.

Who will be the last king of Scotland today? Find out in this very exciting and very surprising episode of Total…Drama…_Woooooorld Toooooouuuuuur_!

* * *

In the first class section of the Total Drama Jumbo Jet, Team Amazon enjoyed their hard-earned victory by relaxing in the best form possible…decadent.

Courtney and Gwen sat in the silver hot tub (the golden one had been moved to Chris' room), swooning calmly while floating in the soothing warm waters. Heather drank virgin cocktails laced with small gold flecks added just for the sake of it and Cody had sealed himself in a closet to prevent another one of Sierra's "spit fingered foot massages".

"Gwen, have you seen Cody anywhere?" Sierra asked, panicking.

"Can't talk…hot tubbing." Gwen replied, uncaring.

"I'm afraid he might have fallen off the plane!" Sierra yelled.

"How could he fall off the plane?" Courtney asked, annoyed and incredulous.

"I don't know but he's Cody…he can do anything!" Sierra proclaimed.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **/_Grunting in annoyance_/ I am really starting to doubt that having Sierra as an ally is worth putting up with her Cody crap all day long. /_Sigh_/ In any case I'll keep her around until I get rid of weird Goth girl…She's the real biggest threat to my game plans.

* * *

The plane made a screeching landing in the uneven, cracked runway it had touched down on. The contestants shuffled out of the plane through the exit stairs, which Chef remembered to lay down this time.

Once they got out they found themselves in a sunny, open countryside next to a huge lake, facing a dark forest that had a large hill sticking out of it in the distance. Perched on top of that distant hill was an old and battered yet still majestic castle.

"Where are we?" Tyler asked.

"Yer in da big country, ladies!" Chris yelled as he emerged from the plane in his traditional outfit, but with a kilt.

"Why are you wearing a skirt?" Owen said, giggling.

"It's a kilt!" Chris exclaimed. "I've never worn a skirt in my life!"

"Oh yes you did Chris!" Sierra exclaimed. "In your school musical version of '_Les Misérables_', where you played Madame Thénardier because you were the only kid who looked like a fat, ugly woman. You were also quite of tone while singing and your performance was qui…"

Before she could go on and before the contestants, who had burst into laughter, died of asphyxiation; Chris threw a set of bag pipes at Sierra's head, knocking her down.

"Regardless…" Chris said, bitter and snide. "I'm wearing this kilt because we are now in the Highlands of Scotland!"

"Scotland?" Lindsay asked. "Oh my God, is this my ex-boyfriend Scott's land? He did have a big house but I didn't remember it was this big!"

"How her brain is able to function well enough for her to breathe is one of nature's inexplicable mysteries." Noah remarked sarcastically, much to Owen's amusement and Tyler's chagrin.

"No Lindsay, Scotland as in the country…And what a country! Brave warriors, beautiful prairies, enchanting music…"

"…And a pseudo-economy absolutely relying on England." Noah added.

Chris glared at Noah and made him shut up.

"Now, for the challenge." Chris announced. "Your first difficulty today will be a little ditty I like to call 'Highland Hijink'."

Suddenly, Chef's booming laughter exploded from inside the plane.

"Man that's the lamest pun you've ever thought up!" He yelled while bellowing with joy.

"SHUT UP!" Chris yelled back.

Hatchet stopped his cackling, but a slight giggling could still be heard coming from the plane, much to Chris' aggravation.

"Anyway, your first challenge is to make your way through these thick woods you see behind me up to that castle over there." Chris said, while pointing to the forest and then to the castle on top of the hill. "That is Urquhart Castle and that is where we'll meet for the second challenge of the day."

"Making our way across a forest; that sounds easy." Bridgette remarked.

"Did I mention the forest is filled with dangerous traps and adversaries?" Chris added.

The cast looked at him with anger yet a complete lack of surprise.

"I figured I didn't. Now, the producers requested I warn you that whenever you see a red sign attached to a tree in the forest, it means there's a trap nearby." Chris said, smiling wickedly. "Now get going, the team that gets up the hill first will get an edge in the next challenge."

The contestants immediately charged into the woods, gathered into their respective teams.

* * *

"The suckers are in the woods, Damian." Manuel said, looking through a telescope.

The show's three producers; Damian Hellburn, Manuel Alberti and Carter Denham had a base set-up on the top of Fort Augustus, a large fortress on the south west end of the lake next to the forest the contestants were going into. From the top of the fortress they had a great view of the forest and could see large parts of it when they used telescopes.

However, since not all of the forest was visible, the three producers had a special feature installed that allowed them to see the feed that the wireless cameras placed around the forest were transmitting. They also had a special console (manned by Carter) that allowed them to control the traps and obstacles scattered through the woods.

"Excellent. Carter, shall we trigger a little surprise for our contestants?" Damian asked.

The British producer nodded stoically and Damian gave him a returned smile.

"Good. Let's start easy on them. Activate Adversary #1 from sector V." Damian ordered.

Carter nodded and triggered the release for the complication that Damian had just instructed him to release.

* * *

Team CIRRRRH made their way running across the woods. Fifteen minutes had passed since they got in and nothing bad had happened to them.

"Wow guys, fifteen minutes have passed since we got in and nothing bad has happened to us!" Izzy exclaimed. "Just like the narrator said!"

"What narrator?" Noah asked.

"The one who's narrating our story!" Izzy replied.

"OK Izzy, the narrator is probably right." Noah said, in a way that was discretely sarcastic but that at the same time humored Izzy.

"Oh, thanks for understanding me Noah." Izzy said, happy.

She proceeded to leap on top of Noah, hugging his head from behind and accidentally covering his eyes with her arms.

"Izzy, let go of my head! I can't see!" He exclaimed in frustration.

Noah stumbled about in an attempt to get Izzy off his head, in the process stepping on a strung out wire. When he stepped on it, he released a trigger that made five arrows shoot from positioned crossbows on the ground to the spot where Noah was standing, but due to absolute luck, he moved just in time and the arrows hit a nearby tree that was behind him. The rest of his team was surprised by this and stopped dead on their tracks. Noah eventually managed to get Izzy off his face and looked at his startled teammates.

"What happened?" He asked.

They pointed at the tree with the arrows stuck to it.

"Those things almost killed you, man." Tyler said.

"When Chris said traps I didn't figure it would be something so potentially deadly." Alejandro said, both surprised and impressed. "We have to be more careful guys. No more running. We have to watch out for those red signs Chris told us about."

"OK." The rest of the team agreed.

The CIRRRRH's kept on moving with caution.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **Thank God we have such a skilled leader like Al to take charge of the team. He can do no wrong and he is so loyal. /_Realizes something_/ Wait, I think Noah told me something about people who seem too good to be true… /_He thinks for a second_/ It must be that they're true! Yeah, that sounds right!

* * *

However, as the members of Team CIRRRRH walked away from the arrow trap, a dark, tall figure took notice of them and followed close behind.

* * *

Team Victory ran across the forest through a different path, also growing confident since they did not stumble upon trouble for almost fifteen minutes.

"Maybe our luck is beginning to change." Bridgette suggested.

"Yeah, I mean Chris said this place was littered with traps and we haven't found one in fifteen minutes!" DJ exclaimed in joy.

"We're gonna win!" Lindsay exclaimed.

At that point the Universe decided to screw with Team Victory by making them run past a red sign on a tree. The three contestants came to a halt upon stumbling into a clearing in the woods. The sun shone clearly on it, giving the clearing a heavenly image by contrast with the rest of the darkened woods. Patches of wildflowers were scattered across the clearing, mixing in with the short grass that was swinging slightly to the right because of a slow, soothing and beautifully calm breeze that blew across the clearing. A small pond which had three teenaged ducklings floating in formation in it decorated the southernmost part of the clearing.

"It's beautiful." Bridgette commented.

"Look at those tiny duckies, they're so cute!" Lindsay exclaimed, rushing over to them.

The ditzy blonde grabbed one of the ducklings and hugged it to her ample chest, causing it to inexplicably smile, blush and receive thumbs up from his fellow ducklings.

"Alright Lindsay, put down the duckling. We're in the middle of a challenge." Bridgette insisted.

"But I love him." Lindsay whined while hugging the duckling tighter to her chest, accidentally smothering it.

"Lindsay, come on." Bridgette insisted in a pleading yet maternally demanding tone.

"OK."

Lindsay put the duckling back in the water, which then made a "call me" gesture to Lindsay with its left wing.

The group went forward to leave the clearing but was stopped when a new creature walked into the clearing. It was a little sheep, not quite a lamb anymore but still awfully cute and adorable. It had a steel belt around its midsection that was attached to a large metal box sitting on its back.

"Awww, how cute!" Bridgette, Lindsay and DJ exclaimed in unison.

DJ walked over to the lamb, knelt down next to it and began to stroke its head, which the lamb enjoyed and replied with pleased bleating.

"What's that thingy on its back?" Lindsay asked.

"No idea." Bridgette replied.

The box suddenly opened, making DJ get up off the floor and walk backwards in precaution. The three teammates looked at the box carefully while standing dead still until something emerged from the box. That something was a metal rod with a sawn-off Lupara shotgun attached to it.

"Oh crap…"

The sheep bleated and the shotgun went off, the blast hitting DJ square in the chest.

"DJ!" Bridgette and Lindsay screamed in horror.

The two girls bolted next to DJ and knelt next to him to study his injury, but to their surprise there was no blood and DJ was alive.

"That hurt…" DJ moaned.

Bridgette noticed a strange powdered remain in DJ's chest and brushed her hand across of it. She smelt it and then took a lick.

"This is rock salt." Bridgette exclaimed.

"What?"

"It's a stun shot." Bridgette said.

* * *

Static fills the camera and the image shifts to Damian in a darkened room.

"Hello, I am Damian Hellburn, the head producer of Total Drama." Damian introduced himself. "I would like to tell you that we in the production crew of Total Drama never spare expenses when it comes to harming our contestants but because of the Scottish Government's dislike for killing children we were not allowed to use real shotgun cartridges. Believe me, we wanted to but it was impossible. We did manage to use rock salt, which won't kill them but still hurts like f_/bleep/_ing hell. Thank you."

* * *

The sheep bleated again and another blast of rock salt was fired from the shotgun, but this time missed the members of Team Victory. The teammates looked at the sheep and saw that is face of pure cuteness momentarily switched to one of evil and then it unleashed a fearsome growl before bleating again, unleashing more rock salt blasts that the Victories were luckily able to doge.

"RUN!" Bridgette screamed.

They did precisely that and stormed off while being chased by the murderous, shotgun wielding ovine.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**DJ – **/_Upset, almost angry_/I don't mind bein' forced to dodge perilous traps. I don't mind havin' to participate in degradin' challenges; but when you make me run in terror from an adorable baby sheep, I really don't like you.

* * *

Ten minutes later and further into the forest, Team Amazon had already managed to cross a small river infested with alligators, a set of swinging buzzsaws and hidden catapult, but they had not come across something as perilous as what they encountered then.

"We'll never make it." Cody moaned.

"We're screwed." Heather groaned, slapping her palm into her forehead and in disbelief.

"NO!" Sierra screeched in horror.

"Calm down guys, we have to find a way to defeat this." Courtney said.

"At least Trent isn't here. He'd freak." Gwen said.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, the members of Team Amazon were staring at the most horrible creature of them all...a mime.

The silent clown wore a striped black and white sweater, black pants with matching suspenders, polished black shoes, typical white mime gloves, white base make-up, black lipstick with matching eye-liner and a little black bowler hat.

"What do we do with him?" Gwen asked.

Courtney stepped forward and tried to make it past the mime, but every time she did, the French performance artist would slide over and block her path. No matter what technique she tried he would stop her. While Courtney was distracting him, Gwen tried to make it past, but the mime noticed and immediately did an invisible rope trick and managed to lasso in Gwen, knocking her down and dragging her towards him.

"How the hell?" Gwen yelled when she felt the invisible rope drag her down.

The mime cackled silently as he used the rope to swing Gwen into the air and then toss her against Courtney. The two girls were knocked backwards into a tree by the mime's mystical powers and they groaned in pain as they got up. The mime cackled mutely at the two girls' injuries.

"This guy is really pissing me off." Gwen groaned.

While the mime laughed at their misfortune, Cody tried to sneak past him but he noticed and powerfully stretched out his arm, making Cody stumble straight into an invisible wall.

"Cody!" Sierra yelled in infuriation.

The purple haired fangirl yelled in fury and charged for the mime, which simply sighed and stuck his hands forward, making Sierra hit another invisible wall. Then the mime pushed his hands together, making Sierra kneel down to the floor and contort into a strange position as she was cramped inside a small, invisible box. The mime promptly kicked the box away and it "shattered" after it hit a tree, knocking Sierra to the ground.

"OK, that's it!" Heather yelled in frustration.

The black-haired girl stormed over to the mime, briefly scaring the performance artist of hell. However, he regained his composure and stared the girl down as she yelled at him.

"Listen you cheese eating surrender freak! You are going to let us through or I swear to God I will shove that little hat of yours so far up your ass you'll be coughing cheap fabric for the rest of your smelly, French life! Understand me you f/_bleep_/ing freak?" Heather screamed at the mime with all her possible fury.

The mime remained unfazed and swung an invisible rope over Heather's head and dropped it to her feet. He promptly pulled on it, knocking Heather to the ground, after which he silently laughed madly once again.

"That's it! I've had it!" Heather screamed.

The Asian girl got off the floor and before the mime got a chance to react, she gave him and incredibly hard kick in the groin. The mime stopped laughing and his face clenched in pain as you could practically hear his precious parts shattering. He clutched his crotch and bent his knees so they touched before he fell kneeling to the floor.

"Merde." The mime exclaimed before falling to the floor on his side.

Heather smiled nastily and then simply stepped over the pained mime, followed by her teammates who were stunned at Heather's ability to bring harm.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen **– I'm not even a guy, but I could somehow feel that mime's pain. I might have actually felt sorry for him if he hadn't swung me by an invisible rope earlier. Jerkwad…

* * *

Team CIRRRH were a short distance away from the hill when they stumbled upon a pretty big, pretty ominous red sign on a tree. They scanned the small clearing they had to go through and in which the red sign was located for traps but they found nothing.

"This is too convenient." Alejandro determined. "There's bound to be some deadly trap somewhere around here."

The entire team pondered about the scenario, unsure on how to proceed. Every time any of them thought of simply walking across the clearing, the prospect of some hidden, deathly trap scared them back to reflection. For almost ten minutes they pondered on how to proceed…or rather just Noah and Alejandro thought about it, since Owen's thoughts would constantly switch to food, Tyler's to Lindsay and Izzy's to things that would bring eternal, painful and confusing agony to your very soul if we told you what they were.

However, in the end it was the crazy girl with the demented thoughts that may or may not have involved severed puppy heads as the least horrifying detail that came up with the solution to their problem.

"Oh! I know!" Izzy bellowed.

The crazy girl slid over to Tyler, picked him up and through him into the middle of the clearing. When he landed on his butt, he set off a landmine, but fortunately bounced out of the way for a distance large enough that he was simply blasted across to the other side of the minefield instead of being blown to bits.

"OUCH!" Tyler screamed in pain.

"Of course, using Tyler as a live, human guinea pig. Why didn't I think of that?" Alejandro exclaimed.

"HEY!" Tyler yelled.

"Perdón amigo, but it's the only way." Alejandro (quite insincerely) apologized. "Now how do we get across?"

Once again, crazy girl had the answer.

"I know! I know!" Izzy belted.

The redhead girl jumped on top of a tree and immediately descended holding large vine that was attached to a branch that went out to about halfway across the mined clearing.

"Where did she get a jungle vine in a Scottish forest?" Noah pondered.

"Less questioning the realism of this show; more swingy swingy." Izzy proclaimed.

Izzy grabbed Noah by the collar and then swung by the vine. She swung to the other end of the clearing and dropped Noah to safety. She then swung back and picked up Alejandro, doing the same. She finally swung back and grabbed Owen but when they swung across, the vine broke, causing them to fall to the ground. In Owen's case, causing him to fall on top of a distracted Tyler.

"Oh, I'm sorry Tyler. Are you OK?" Owen asked. "Tyler? Tyler? Tyler?"

"I think we'll have to carry him for a while." Noah said.

"You will not carry anyone anywhere, you dirty Brit." Somebody yelled.

The members of Team CIRRRRH looked around to find where the angry proclamation had come from and were suddenly surprised when a dark, tall figure leapt from the brush and threatened them with a large, very sharp sword.

Team CIRRRRH fell to the ground in surprise and screamed in terror as the mysterious figure threatened them.

"You will not invade our lands again you treacherous bastards!" The figured yelled. "I will slice you all in half and feed your own entrails to you!"

The contestants closed their eyes and quaked in fear until one of them actually got a good look at the man threatening them.

"Wait a minute…" Noah said. "…Mel Gibson?"

"Huh?" The others said.

They all took a good look at their attacker and realized that, indeed, he was Mel Gibson.

He was wearing an attire similar to the one he wore in "_Braveheart_". He had a Scottish kilt, nothing on his chest save for an empty bandoleer, brown boots and the classic half white and half-light blue face make-up. He also brandished the previously mentioned sword and had long, brown hair.

"Who?" Gibson asked. "I know not this Gibson. I am William Wallace, liberator of Scotland!"

"I knew he didn't have all his ducklings lined up, but as it turns out the ducklings are not just disorganized…they're freaking jumping off cliffs." Noah remarked.

"Silence you royalist fool!" Gibson yelled. "I am a liberator of nations but also a liberator of men. So I will now liberate you of your life."

Gibson raised his sword into the air and prepared to strike down Noah, but the egghead boy knew how to deal with people threatening to attack him.

"Look, I've no doubts that you are a liberator." Noah said. "…And it would be an honor if you could liberate us petty citizens weaker than you, but we are not the British that you seek."

Gibson stopped, hesitating.

"You are not?"

"Clearly not. I mean, listen to our accents. We're not British at all." Noah said. "We're Spaniards."

Gibson doubted yet again.

"You do not sound like Spaniards either." Gibson said.

Noah gave Alejandro a sideways glance and Alejandro understood.

"Somos españoles, chaval." Alejandro spoke. "¿Ve usted? Hablamos castellano con fluidez absoluta."

Gibson lowered his sword.

"I did not understand what he just said…but it was clearly Spanish." Gibson said.

Alejandro stood up and placed himself to the right of Gibson. He rested one hand on his shoulder and pointed to the distance.

"We're not British, but there are four British warrior women and one small, weakling British prince in that direction." He said.

"There are?" Gibson wondered.

"Yes."

"How can I be sure?"

"Would a Spaniard lie to you, the bravest of all Scots?" Alejandro asked, rhetorically.

"Of course not!" Gibson yelled. "Thank you for this information, brave Spaniard."

Gibson proceeded to run in the direction that Alejandro had pointed out. When he was a sharp distance away, the rest of Team CIRRRRH got off their knees.

"Why'd you send him after the Amazons?" Owen asked.

"Because they're our biggest competition." Alejandro replied. "Also because Courtney will probably kick his ass."

"Wait, if they can handle him, how is that sabotage?" Owen asked.

"Because he might not stop them, but he'll certainly slow them down. Also, I want him to get hurt."

"Why?"

"Because I hated '_The Passion of the Christ_'." Alejandro replied.

"Wait, you're Jewish?"

"No. I'm a devout and good Catholic." Alejandro said solemnly.

Noah struggled to hold back his laughter.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah – **I myself am not a man of faith and generally don't care too much for religious people, but Alejandro calling himself a Catholic is such a big insult to the Christian institution that I can't help laughing about it. If he's a Catholic then Saddam Hussein is a Buddhist.

* * *

"Then why'd you hate '_The Passion_'?" Owen asked.

"Because it sucked." Alejandro replied. "Come on, let's get going."

* * *

Farther into the woods, Team Amazon was reaching their destination.

"I can see the castle!" Gwen exclaimed when the medieval structure came into view from their spot in the forest.

The hill which the castle was on was about 600 meters away when a dark figure leapt from the bushes and threatened them with a sword.

"You'll not go a foot further, wretched Brit!" The figure yelled.

The girls and Cody yelled briefly before they realized who it was.

"Wait a minute…" Gwen said. "Mel Gibson?"

Indeed, it was Mel Gibson, previously encountered by Team CIRRRRH and now convinced that Team Amazon was the British warrior troupe he was set to destroy.

"I AM NOT MEL GIBSON!" He screamed. "I AM WILLIAM WALLACE AND YOU WILL NEVER TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM!"

Gibson pounced forward and messily swung his sword at Courtney. The Hispanic girl dodged the blow and immediately struck Gibson's hand, making him drop the blade. She kicked the sword into the bushes and struck the man in the face.

Gibson gave Courtney a death glare and the two began to circle each other menacingly, prepared for combat. Courtney lashed first, trying to deliver a butterfly kick but Gibson caught her foot an inch away from his face and threw her to the ground. He tried to step on her, but she rolled away and then stood up while sweep kicking his leg.

He collapsed to the ground but quickly flipped back onto his feet. He tried to punch her but she caught his fist and then slid under his arm to a position behind him, bending his arm behind his back. She kicked him in the calf, making him kneel down and then kicked the back of his head, throwing him face-first onto the ground.

She stepped on his back and stomped his lower torso before he swung his foot up in a back kick, striking her crotch, making her back away (and indirectly proving that crotch shots don't only hurt men).

He got up again doing a back-flip, mostly for show, and caught a kick that Courtney tried to throw at him. He then twisted her leg which made her flip over and begin to fall to the ground but before she could land he punched her stomach, launching her against a large tree that was in front of them.

Courtney got up and began to stare Gibson down. They began to circle each other, ready for the bloody combat that was about to ensue. The rest of Team Amazon looked on at the combat in great amazement.

Suddenly, they both struck…

* * *

Team CIRRRRH were faced with yet another problem. They cleared their way past the delusional Mel Gibson but soon found themselves faced with yet another sword wielding man who was blocking their path.

"None shall pass." Spoke The Black Knight, adamantly.

A Black Knight, who was standing in the middle of the bridge that crossed a river, would not allow the team to make it across.

"Look amigo, we have to get across this bridge!" Alejandro threatened.

However, he backed away as soon as the Knight raised his sword in menace.

"I move for no man." The Black Knight proclaimed.

"Very well." Noah said. "So be it."

Noah turned to Izzy.

"Izzy, lend me one of your swords." He said.

"Yes!" The crazy girl exclaimed.

Izzy reached into her cleavage and somehow pulled out a long, steel sword that she had stuffed in there. She tossed it to Noah and he brandished it, threatening the Black Knight with the blade. The Knight lifted up his own sword and they began to spar. The Knight threw messy chops, holding his sword with both hands while Noah stopped them all rather simply while holding his blade in one hand.

Each time the Knight tried to strike, Noah would dodge or stop the slice. He noticed the Knight was exposing himself to great damage every three or so slices and was a lot less talented than he appeared. When the Knight exposed himself again by lowering his sword and hunching his shoulders, Noah swung, hitting the man in the top of his arm...and slicing it off.

The Black Knight's arm fell to the ground and blood began to spurt out of the open wound. The rest of Team CIRRRRH (save for Izzy, who was cheering) stared on in shock at the sight of their teammate chopping off another man's arm.

The Black Knight himself looked at his own severed arm in surprise, and somehow demonstrating no pain for a man who's arm had just been sliced off.

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary." Noah said.

"'Tis but a scratch!" The Knight proclaimed.

"A scratch? You arms off!" Noah exclaimed.

"No, it isn't." The Knight denied it.

"Then what's that, then?" Noah asked, pointing at the severed arm with his sword.

The Knight looked at his former limb briefly before turning back to Noah.

"I've had worse!" He said.

"You liar!" Noah exclaimed.

"Come on, ya pansy!" The Knight yelled before swinging his sword again.

The knight sloppily tried to attack Noah, but the teen now had an easier shot and defending himself of the Black Knight's attacks. The Knight put the sword perpendicular to his body and tried to charge at Noah, but he dodged it and then struck again at his shoulder, slicing off the Knight's remaining arm.

The Knight looked at his severed limb and swore under his breath.

"Victory is mine." Noah said.

He turned to his teammates.

"Now let's all go to the…"

He felt a kick to the shin and he clutched in pain before looking up at the armless Black Knight who had just kicked him.

"Come on, then!" The Knight yelled while kicking Noah lightly.

"What?"

"Have at you!" He yelled while kicking again.

Noah dodged the next kick and then got up.

"You are brave, Knight, but the fight is mine." Noah said.

He turned back to talk to his teammates but turned around again when he heard the Knight's taunting.

"Oh, had enough, eh?" The Knight mocked.

"Look, you stupid bastard; you've got no arms left!" Noah grunted at him.

"Yes I have." The Knight countered.

"LOOK!" Noah exclaimed while pointing at his second severed arm.

The Knight looked at it briefly before brushing it off (not literally) and talking to Noah.

"It's just a flesh wound." He said, adamantly before kicking Noah again.

"Look, stop that!" Noah yelled.

"Chicken! Chicken!" The Knight replied.

"Look, I'll have your leg." Noah threatened.

The Knight kicked him again.

"Alright!" Noah exclaimed in frustration.

When The Knight threw another kick, Noah swung his sword again and chopped off the man's right leg.

"Right!" I'll do you in for that!" The Knight screamed while hopping around in one leg.

"You'll what?" Noah asked in rhetorical astonishment at the Knight's fruitless insistence.

"C'mere!" The Knight yelled.

"What are you going to do? Bleed on me?" Noah asked sarcastically.

"I'm invincible!" The Knight yelled while trying to headbutt Noah while hopping around in his one remaining leg.

"You're a loony." Noah dismissed him.

"THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!" The Knight screamed in anger and disbelief, in complete denial that he'd absolutely lost. "Have at you!"

The Knight tried to headbutt Noah again and the boy just stared at him in absolute frustration before swinging his sword one final time and slicing off the Knight's remaining leg. The Knight's remaining torso and head fell standing up onto the ground and then proceeded to look over himself, appearing to finally realize he'd lost all his limbs.

He looked up at Noah.

"Alright then…we'll call it a draw." He said

Noah ignored him and called out to his teammates.

"Come on, guys." Noah said as he made his way across the bridge.

His teammates followed him, walking past The Black Knight and taking brief glances at him before simply ignoring him and walking on.

"Oh, I see!" The Knight yelled in exasperation. "Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to ya! I'll bite your legs off! GAAAHHH!"

* * *

Elsewhere in the woods, Mel Gibson was thrown violently against a tree. His arms were broken; his torso and face were covered in both blood and scratches; his entire body was bruised; chunks of his hair were torn off; some of his teeth had been knocked out and his bandoleer had been shoved down his throat.

Courtney was almost entirely scratch free and had a furious, bloodlustful look in her eyes as she stared at the torn and ripped Mel Gibson.

Her teammates on the other hand had absolutely terrified looks after they'd witnessed Courtney literally _destroy_ Mel Gibson. The most stunned of them all had to be Cody, whose face was covered in some of the blood that had spilt out of Gibson during the fight.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody – **/_Stares at the camera in shock, still covered in blood_/

**Sierra – **/_Stares at the camera in shock_/

**Gwen – **/_Stares at the camera in shock_/

**Heather – **/_Stares at the camera in shock_/ Jesus Christ.

* * *

"Alright, team." Courtney said, taking deep breaths. "Let's go."

* * *

"I just really don't see it." Chris said.

"Come on, listen again." Chef said.

Chris and Chef Hatchet sat on tree stumps next to Urquhart Castle. Chef was playing some bagpipes and talking to Chris.

"I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sound like '_Celebration_'." Chris said. "Bagpipes are not good for playing Kool & The Gang songs."

"That yo opinion!" Chef grunted.

At that point Team CIRRRH rushed dup the hill and made it to the castle.

"Well, the first team has completed the race." Chris said. "How'd you do?"

"Pudrete." Alejandro replied.

"Thank you." Chris replied, not understanding.

Following close behind were Team Victory and then Team Amazon.

"We made it last!" Heather screamed. "Damn it, Courtney!"

"Why me?" The Hispanic girl asked, rhetorical and angry.

"If you hadn't spent so much time pulling out each one of Mel Gibson's teeth with your bare hands we might have made it!" Heather yelled.

"Mel Gibson is here?" Chris asked, excited.

"Yes." Gwen replied. "Wasn't he part of your game?"

"No." Chris replied. "But if he's here I totally want to meet him!"

"Why?" Noah asked.

"Because I'm a charming, good-looking, brilliant actor with racist and sadistic tendencies." Chris replied. "If people like me formed a religion Mel Gibson would be our messiah. Now where is he?"

"Probably half way to London after Courtney threw him in the river." Cody answered.

"Damn." Chris swore. "Oh well, it's time for the second challenge of the day."

The contestants groaned, causing Chris to giggle cruelly.

"As some of you may have noticed we are currently standing next to a huge lake." Chris said.

The contestants looked around and noticed they were no longer next to Castle Urquhart on top of the hill; they were standing several miles away, already past the forest and next to a huge rocky cave mouth.

"How'd we get down here?" Tyler asked.

"Hollywood Magic and some special technology developed by the producers which is perfectly safe save for the fact that it might leave Courtney infertile." Chris answered.

"Wait. What?" Courtney asked, very worried.

"Anyway…We are next to a lake." Chris continued. "…Care to guess what lake it is? It's rather famous…"

The contestants began to ponder.

"Rather famous lake in Scotland…" Cody pondered out loud.

"Oh crap." Gwen exclaimed fearfully after having struck upon the answer.

Immediately afterwards, a giant figure emerged from the water in the lake next to the contestants. The figure was incomplete, for it was only the head and long reptilian neck of the gigantic Nessie.

"Children, welcome to Loch Ness!" Chris yelled. "Now run!"

As per suggested/instructed, the contestants ran for the cave as the fearsome reptilian creature emitted a huge roar that sent a concentrated, beam-like shockwave at the ground where the contestants previously stood.

They made it inside the rocky formation and the majority of them had to take a brief pause to catch their breath after the shock.

"Jesus Christ!" Heather exclaimed. "You've really out done yourself this time Chris!"

"Thank you."

"Not a compliment." The Asian girl replied through gritted teeth.

"Is everybody here?" Bridgette asked.

"Yeah." Everybody answered.

"I'M NOT!" Tyler screamed.

Everybody looked outside the cave and saw that the pathetic jock was being chased around by the monster, which was throwing its screeches of death at him.

"Meh." The rest of the contestants sighed.

"That guy is really funny." Lindsay said. "He looks kinda familiar, though."

Then something wonderful happened. A spark shot up in Lindsay's brain, which turned into an electromagnetic impulse, which flowed across her membranes and into her temporal lobe which resulted in something happening to Lindsay that had never happened before…she had a thought. A memory related thought.

"Wait a minute. I know that guy…he's Tyler!" She exclaimed. "My sweet love, Tyler!"

"Damn…" Noah said, surprised. "She _can_ think. Izzy, I owe you five bucks."

"Told ya." The redhead proclaimed.

"She remembered me?" Tyler asked.

He looked over at Lindsay and saw she was waving lovingly.

"She remembered me!" He screamed in joy.

However, as he was celebrating the monster caught up with him and blasted him with one of its furious screeches. The blast was so powerful that it launched Tyler straight into a huge rock inside of the cave where the rest of the cast were hiding.

Only then did the cast manage to really look at the amphibious, quadruped monster. Its neck stretched up to 20 feet and its body reached up to around 12 high. It was green and scaly and had spikes that ran from its lower back to its forehead. A double row of sharp, fang-like teeth and vicious red eyes were the most prominent features of its face. It had a long tail with a sharp, triangular tip.

"OK contestants, I think now is a good time for you to open your rewards from the previous challenge." Chris said. "They're likely to help in this one."

Chris pointed to three huge crates that were sitting around in the back of the cave. The teams approached the crates and Chris handed them out.

"Team I Am Such A Wickedly Good Looking Person, since you came in first you get this winners crate." Chris said, pointing them to their reward.

The crates were huge, seven foot tall containers with strands of rope coming out of one end. Alejandro pulled on the rope from his team's crate and the crate fell open, revealing five sets of Roman soldier armor contained within. The armor included chestplates, helmets, gauntlets, plateskirts, squared shield and swords.

"Nice." Tyler exclaimed.

"Team Victory, for arriving in second place you get this crate." Chris pointed out.

DJ grabbed the rope poking out of the crate and pulled, revealing Norse warrior armor. This consisted of thick, wooly leather torso armor; thick, wooly leather pants; thick, leathery bison boots; metal helmets; round, wooden shields and swords.

"This will work." Bridgette proclaimed.

"…And finally Team Amazon, for arriving last you get this." Chris said, pointing to a final crate.

Heather pulled on the rope of their crate, which made it collapse to the ground; revealing a single pointy stick.

"SERIOUSLY?" All members of Team Amazon screamed collectively while Chris collapsed with laughter.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Chris - **/_With the pointy stick stabbed onto the side of his head_/ I probably should have known better.

* * *

All the teams geared up and stood at the mouth of the cave, preparing to charge at the monster lurking outside.

"OK, we all know the plan." DJ said.

"Yes." Bridgette and Lindsay replied.

"We all know the plan." Alejandro said. "As soon as Team Victory's plan fails and the monster is distracted, we'll enact our plan."

"We all know the plan." Courtney said.

"Do whatever we can and pray that God likes us?" Gwen asked.

"Pretty much." Courtney replied.

The contestants stared outside the mouth of the cave, hearing the beast's fearsome roars echo in their ears. They all gulped in fear almost simultaneously and there was absolute silence for a moment before DJ yelled.

"Go Team Victory!"

Immediately he and his two Norse outfit clad companions charged outside while wailing out a huge battle cry. They raised their swords into the air and ran at a great speed until they realized they didn't see the monster anywhere.

"Where is that creepy beast thingy?" Lindsay asked.

As if on cue, as soon as she was done with that question the creature's giant paw stepped down next to her, making the contestants realize the monster was standing beside the cave and was waiting for them to come out.

"Crud." DJ muttered.

The monster belted one of its concentrated roars and the three members of Team Victory were immediately propelled into the air and thrown with great force into the dark, cold waters of the Loch Ness.

"Ahora!" Alejandro screamed.

"CHARGE!" Owen screamed.

"Let's get 'im!" Tyler added.

"Bring it, Nessie!" Izzy bellowed.

"We're gonna f_/bleep/_ing die!" Noah screamed in terror.

Team CIRRRRH took their chance and charged out of the cave, fully clad in their Roman centurion armors and began to climb up the monster's unguarded tail. However, before they could reach its back, the monster flung its tail upwards, throwing all the members of Team CIRRRRH across the air and into the Loch.

"Now!" Courtney exclaimed.

Gwen and Heather charged over to the monster's side, and then they took each other's hands so as to form a human spring platform. Courtney pulled the stick out of Chris' head, causing blood to start flowing and the host to place his hands over the wound, trying to stop the leak. Courtney charged towards Gwen and Heather and leapt up, landing with her left foot on their hands, allowing for the girls to give her a push that launched the brunette onto the creature's large backside.

Courtney charged up its back and reached the head. Sparing no time, she leapt on the monster's head and stabbed the pointy stick into the creature's eyeball, which shattered into thousands of pieces, revealing itself to be made of polished glass.

The stick entered the robot monster's mechanism and got caught between two gears, jamming them and putting a stop to them. These gears, consisting as part of the creature's robot brain, were pretty important and once they got jammed the robot's brain stopped. The creature immediately collapsed onto the floor as soon as its CPU was stopped.

As the CIT leaped off the robot, Heather turned to Chris and yelled:

"IT WAS A ROBOT?"

"Of course it was a robot!" Chris exclaimed while he taped a piece of cloth to his head in an attempt to stop the bleeding. "Do you what kinda crap we'd take from PETA if we made you fight the real Loch Ness monster? Anyway, Team Amazon is the winner."

"YAY!" The Amazons yelled.

"Cody…time for a victory hug!" Sierra exclaimed.

"No thanks, Sierra." Cody said, walking away from his stalker. "I'm fine."

"HUG!" Sierra yelled.

The fangirl leapt towards Cody but the boy dodged her. She got up and attempted to hug him once again but he always managed to avoid her constricting embrace. It was at around her fourth attempt to hug him that she wound up landing on the creature's head and pulling out the pointy stick from the robot's brain gears.

With the jam fixed, the robot brain began to work again and the creature got off the floor.

"Wait, the monster is still working." Chris said. "The challenge isn't over yet."

"SIERRA!" Heather yelled at the fangirl.

"Sorry…"

The creature belted out another concentrated roar and propelled the third team into the water of the lake along with the other two. The monster stomped its way over to the water and gave all three teams a deathly glare.

"Well guys, looks like this is it!" DJ exclaimed, beginning to cry.

"No it isn't." Noah interjected. "I've studied the mechanics of this show so many times I already know what's gonna happen. In a 'stunning' display of 'originality', the real Loch Ness monster is going to emerge from the water behind us and destroy this fake on in five, four, three, two, one…"

The water behind the contestants rippled and pulled apart as a large figure rose from the lake. The head, neck and upper body of the real Loch Ness monster, which looked the same as the fake one only almost twice as large popped up from the lake and stared down at its fake, robotic counterpart.

The real monster's giant tail shot out from under the water and stabbed through the robot's head, impaling it and destroying it. Immediately it swung upwards and swung the fake creature all the way across the lake.

* * *

"Hey Damian, there's something really big coming this way." Manuel said as he stared through his binoculars.

"How big is it?" Damian asked.

"It's kinda like a truck. A transport truck, but don't worry it's pretty far away." Manuel answered.

Immediately, the destroyed carcass of the fake Loch Ness Monster slammed into the wall of Fort Augustus and exploded. Flames burst out into the air and thousands of chunks of metal scattered across the fort, the lake and the forest below.

Damian looked over the edge at the flaming wreckage of their robot.

"Crap, that robot cost us 750,000 dollars!" Damian exclaimed.

"I don't understand." Manuel said while looking at the wreckage through his binoculars. "It was really far away."

Damian looked at Manuel and then noticed something peculiar.

"Manny…"

"Yeah?"

"You have those binoculars backwards." Damian told him.

Manny checked and realized this was true.

"Let me straighten those up for you." Damian said.

Damian grabbed the binoculars, which were held around Manuel's neck by a strap, flipped them over, pulled them away from his co-producer's face (stretching the strap in the process) and then let go; causing the binoculars to slam back into Manuel's face. The co-producer cried out in pain and collapsed on the floor.

"You're welcome." Damian said.

* * *

The contestants waded in the water to turn around and face the real Loch Ness Monster. The creature stared down at them with its fearsome, beastly eyes and they knew that it wasn't going to be very friendly. Their assumption was proven when the beast launched a concentrated beam-like roar at their direction.

The contestants managed to avoid the blast and attempted to get to shore with the beast on their tail. Most of them managed to reach land unharmed, but Tyler and Izzy weren't so lucky because they were caught in the blast when the creature launched a second roar. They were both thrown across the air and into the same rock inside the cave that Tyler had hit before. Both were knocked unconscious.

The rest of the cast scurried across the lake shore and back into the cave mouth, dodging a third roar blast but having to leave their armor behind in the process.

"Great!" Heather exclaimed. "Now what do we do?"

"I have no idea!" Chris yelled. "I didn't know there was a real Loch Ness Monster! It's terrible! I mean it's great for ratings but I might get killed!"

"Don't you mean '_we_' might get killed?" Gwen complained.

"Oh no, I'm sure you guy will die…but it's me I'm worried about." Chris said, beginning to cry.

"I'm not even surprised any more." Noah muttered.

"Well guys…I guess this is it." DJ said, crying loudly.

A booming roar echoed across the cave as most of the contestants sunk to the ground in desperation.

* * *

**Chef Hatchet – **/_Dressed in a traditional Scottish musician outfit_/ Chris told me he'd give me the signal to bring in the music hours ago. I wonder if I should check on them. /_Thinks for a second_/ Nah, I'd rather stay here and write my second manifesto…

* * *

Night had fallen and the contestants were still trapped in the cave, the roars of the beast still audible outside. They had split off into their own groups and were all absolutely surrendered into their fear.

Bridgette, Courtney and Gwen were in a small circle looking downcast and occasionally recalling the somewhat better days of Total Drama Island; DJ and Owen were crying together while Noah tried to make them both stop due to pity and annoyance at their incessant weeping; Sierra cried and hugged Cody so tightly that he was barely breathing; Lindsay was hugging the "unconscious" Tyler to her chest, who was really just pretending for obvious reasons; Chris was obsessively staring at his reflection in a puddle of water and telling himself he was too handsome to die and Heather and Alejandro were on their own, musing about what could wait for them on the other side after their lives of absolute wrongdoing.

"Ugh…what's going on?" Izzy asked as she regained consciousness.

"You got knocked out by the real Loch Ness Monster, which is waiting outside this cave to kill us all and I've been trying to comfort your boyfriend for the last two hours." Noah replied. "So basically an average day on the world of Total Drama."

"You're afraid of that tiny thing killing you?" Izzy asked, unfazed. "Childs play. I'll stop it."

"What?" Everybody asked, shocked she was so confident.

"Yeah." Izzy said. "No problem."

Just then, the familiar sound of a bell chime sounded across the cave.

"Really, Chris?" Gwen asked, rhetorically. "Now?"

"Why not?" Chris asked, also rhetorically. "If we're all going to die we might as well go out in style."

"That's why you were huddled up in the corner crying a minute ago?" Gwen asked, snidely.

Chris shot her a glare and then Izzy began to sing.

"_Ooooh…_"

Then a loud, up-beat bagpipe tune began to play and Izzy began to sing in a very thick accent.

"_I'm a wee ol' Scottish gal  
__From way out in the plane  
__I'm tall, brave and mighty  
__And I don't feel any pain  
__I'll take on yer monster  
_'_Cause I'm brave 'n' tough  
__And 'cause fightin' monsters  
__Is very Scottish stuff!_"

Izzy leapt out of the cave and prepared for battle. However, somebody inside the cave noticed something quite odd about her.

"Wait…she was singing in an Irish accent." Noah said.

"_I'm not afraid of dyin'  
_'_Cause fear is for the bleak  
__It really is no challenge  
__I beat monsters every week.  
__Ye need give me no reason  
__The pleasure is enough  
_'_Cause fightin' for pleasure  
__Is really Scottish stuff._"

"That's a distinctly Irish attitude." Noah remarked.

Izzy turned around and saw the monster staring right at her. It belted one of its powerful roars, which she doged by leaping to the side.

"_I don't care for yer roars  
__They don't frighten me at all  
__To try to belt at me  
__You have to have a lotta gall  
__I tell ya I'm not lyin'  
__I am not callin' a bluff  
_'_Cause lyin' to yet monsters  
__Is not Scottish stuff._"

Izzy leapt into the air and after several physics defying backfllips she landed on the monsters head. She reached into her cleavage and pulled out a tall glass of beer, which she swung around while she sang.

"_I'll drink ya down I tell ya  
__I'll drink ya to the floor  
__Even if you're a monster  
__You'll drink 'till ya can no more  
_'_Cause I drink like no one  
__I drink until I puff  
__And drinkin' ta beat a monster  
__Is totally Scottish stuff._"

"Once again, that's Irish." Noah pointed out from the mouth of the cave.

The monster tried to knock Izzy off its head, swinging around to get her off itself, but the redhead held on toughly to the creature's ears.

When she noticed the creature was close enough to the cave, Izzy swung her body to the side in order to guide the monster's head downwards with her. In doing this, she made Nessie began its head with great force against the cave's wall and the hit was executed with such force that the creature was dazed. It briefly swung from side to side in pain and confusion before it finally collapsed into the lake.

Izzy leapt off the creature's head and sung her final verse.

"_So when I take down yer monster  
__I'll do it with some style  
_'_Cause any good ol' Scott  
__Can kill with a smile  
__So now that I beat yer monster  
__You'll say I was too rough  
__But I won't care what ye say  
_'_Cause ignoring other people is…_"

Then she finished by singing in a progressively higher tone with each extended note.

"_Veeeeeeryyyyyy Scooootiiiiiiiish Stuuuuuuuuuf!_"

All the contestants, regardless of what team they were in, ran out of the cave and tried to hug Izzy while they cheered in joy upon realizing that they weren't going to die.

"Izzy, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Owen bellowed in joy.

The fat guy hugged his girlfriend, raised her into the air and kissed her full on in the lips, something that she returned with much passion.

"I love you, Izzy!" Owen declared.

"Aww, I love ya too, Big-O." Izzy said.

"Awwwwww." Went all other female contestants (save for Heather and including DJ).

"Well, now that we're all gonna live I'd like to officially tell you that Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot are the winners of today's challenge." Chris said.

Team CIRRRH cheered happily and hoisted Izzy up into the air in celebration.

"Team Amazon…unfortunately tonight you guys get the chopping block." Chris announced.

"WHAT?" The Amazons yelled.

"How so?" Courtney exclaimed angrily. "We were the ones who first stopped your robot Nessie!"

"Yes, but that didn't count because Sierra reactivated it." Chris said. "Plus, you arrived last in the first challenge. See you on the elimination ceremony!"

"Great! This is just great!" Heather yelled.

Chris waved them goodbye and departed towards the plane while Gwen and Courtney glared angrily at Heather as she ranted at them.

* * *

**(Bathroom voting confessionals)**

**Heather **-/_Stomps a passport angrily_/

**Gwen - **/_Stomps down on a passport with rage_/

**Courtney** - /_Stamps a passport_/

**Sierra **- /_Stamps a passport_/

**Cody **- /_Stamps passport_/

* * *

"Very well, Team Amazon." Chris exclaimed. "It's your first time on the elimination deck. How are you guys feeling?"

"F/_bleep_/k you, McClean." Heather growled.

"Good, I see." Chris said, giggling. "Anyway, let's cut to the chase. The first Barf Bag of the night goes to Cody."

Chris tossed one of the dirty bags of peanuts to Cody, who caught it but dropped it immediately when he was startled by Sierra's squeals.

"The second goes to…Gwen."

Chris tossed Gwen her bag.

"Courtney." Chris said.

The host tossed the CIT her bag and the Goth girl sitting next to her promptly high-fived her. Heather and Sierra looked at each other with uneasy looks and Chris made sure to make a long, dramatic pause before finally announcing the name of…

"…Heather."

Chris tossed the evil girl her barf bag and Sierra just stared, utterly perplexed, before she burst into tears.

"You guys like her more than me?" She yelled while crying.

"Sierra, it's not that we like her more…it's just that…that…" Gwen tried to say.

"That what?" Sierra screamed.

"That you are useless; you screwed over this challenge and your overall obsession with Cody turned you into pretty much the most annoying person on this show." Heather said with her eyes closed and in a tone of absolute indifferent cruelty.

Sierra did not respond and just wailed out more tears. Cody felt pity for her and tried to approach Sierra.

"Look Sierra, everything's gonna be alright." Cody said. "Believe me, we hate Heather. We like you a lot more even if you got voted out."

"Pretty surprising consolation considering you voted her off." Chris said.

"WHAT?" Sierra exclaimed.

"CHRIS!" Cody yelled in anger.

"What? The Freedom of Information act compels me to tell her even if I don't want to." Chris said. "…But I do want to. Ha!"

"Cody, how could you?" Sierra asked while crying the loudest she'd cried.

"I…I…you were just so obsessed and…well I couldn't…I…"

"Yes, yes, it's all really sad but we don't have any more time." Chris said.

Chris put a parachute around Sierra's back and shoved her to the door. Sierra turned to look at her former teammates and prepared to say something but just burst into more tears. She finally sobbed down and jumped out of the plane while delivering a final wail of sadness.

The other members of Team Amazon (once again save for Heather) couldn't help a great sense of guilt overcome them.

"Well, if we're done with the pity-fest, I'm going to go take a shower." Heather said.

The mean girl strolled out of the elimination deck and towards the showers while all her teammates glared at her. They tried to cast the blame for their guilt on her but found themselves unable to and in guilt-ridden misery they lurched sadly over to the economy cabin of the plane to wallow in their conscience pained unhappiness for the night.

"Wow, that was heartbreaking." Chris said to the camera. "But great for ratings! Join us next week where we'll see how Team Amazon deals with their guilt and also when we'll see who gets a step closer to the million. Find out what happens next week on _Total…Drama…Wooorld Tooooouuuuuur!_"

* * *

**Votes:**

Heather – Sierra

Gwen – Heather

Courtney – Sierra

Sierra – Heather

Cody – Sierra

…

Sierra – 3

Heather – 2

* * *

**OK, this one took a while to write. Once again I apologize for taking so long to write this chapter.**

**I have to plead with you…this chapter was especially tough to write so please, I implore you to review. It would make me happy. I appreciate every commentary made by my dear readers.**

**Gracias Totales,  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	5. Paris, Je Te Déteste

**Chapter 5: ****Paris, je te déteste.**

Last time, on Total Drama World Tour. The three teams found themselves tearing across the Scottish Highlands. For their first challenge they made it across a thick forest covered in traps and adversaries such as armed ovine, magic mimes, a knight who was totally not ripped off from a Monty Python sketch and Mel Gibson. After that they had to face up to one of the most legendary beasts of all time…Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Though they initially cowered in fear inside of a cave, Izzy eventually grew a pair after regaining consciousness from a head injury and knocked out the monster, earning victory for her team.

It was Team Amazon on the chopping block and a whole lotta of very dramatic and rating boosting drama occurred when Sierra was eliminated instead of the far more expectable Heather. How will TA manage after such a dramatic send-off, how will TCIRRRRH manage after such a close victory and for how long will TV (not television) stay off the elimination deck. Find out tonight in Total…Drama…_Wooooooooorld Tooooouuuuur!_

* * *

The atmosphere inside the Total Drama Jumbo Jet after Sierra's elimination was one of great misery. The atmosphere outside the Total Drama Jumbo Jet was heavy with humidity and a %30 chance of rain.

Regardless, inside the economy class Gwen, Courtney and Cody were still feeling comprehensively guilty after what had happened in their elimination.

"I feel like crap." Gwen groaned.

"I feel crappier." Cody added.

"I can't believe you guys voted-off Sierra instead of Heather." DJ said. "That's cold, man."

At those words, Gwen and Cody sank even lower in their uncomfortable metal benches.

"Way to ease off the guilt, DJ." Courtney said.

"Sorry." The tall Jamaican guy apologized.

"Where's Heather?" Bridgette asked.

"Trapped inside the confessional bathroom." Cody answered, still downtrodden. "Gwen locked her in there last night.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather - **/_Screaming_/ Gwen, you crazy gothic bi/_bleep_/h! Let me the f/_bleep_/k out of here! Goddamnit!

* * *

"…And not even that made me feel better." Gwen moaned. "I didn't even vote for her. Why do I feel so guilty?"

"Maybe because you guys all treated her like a crazy stalker since she arrived." Bridgette suggested.

"Well, she was one." Courtney said. "I don't even see the point in feeling guilty. She screwed up the game and she lost. It's only natural."

"Still." Gwen said. "It sucks."

"I guess."

"Hey, where's Lindsay?" Bridgette wondered.

* * *

In the first class cabin, the ambient was far more pleasant than that of the losers' cabin. Alejandro was lying down peacefully in his seat with pickle slices on his eyes; Noah was comfortably reading a book and Owen was sleeping on his back on the first class couch while Izzy slept on top of his stomach, curdled up like a kitty.

The peaceful and quiet ambient of the section was interrupted when Tyler and Lindsay came in from the shower area with their clothes and hair messily arranged. They were surprised to see the members of Team CIRRRRH in the first class area.

"Oh, hi guys." Tyler said, awkwardly. "We thought you'd be in the dinning hall by now."

"No need to make excuses." Noah said without taking his eyes off his book. "We already know you two were doing the nasty in there. We heard it all last night."

"What?" Tyler said, faking indignation. "We were not!"

"We're not stupid, deaf or blind, Tyler." Noah said.

"How does blind affect this?" He asked.

"Lindsay's bra is stuck to the side of your pants." The bookworm pointed out.

Tyler checked his pant leg and noticed the hanging.

"Oh there it was!" Lindsay exclaimed.

The blonde girl pulled the bra off Tyler's leg and held onto it.

"Thanks for last night, Tyler." Lindsay said.

She kissed his lips briefly and then whispered.

"Let's do it again sometime."

After that, she merrily skipped out of first class and back to where her team was. Meanwhile, Tyler sat down next to Noah while having the most giddy, idiotic grin planted on his face. He laughed in joy.

"I'm so happy!" He exclaimed.

"I'm sure you've found true love." Noah said sardonically.

"I have!" Tyler said. "I love her."

"Good for you. You love the girl who just yesterday learnt your name."

"Hey! She knew who I was and she loves me too! She just has trouble with names that's all…but it's one of the many adorable things that make me love her, like…"

"Tyler, before you go on I'd like you to guess something." Noah said.

"What?"

"The number of f/_bleep_/ks that I give about the relationships of other contestants on this show." Noah said. "What number is it? Guess."

"Is it one or higher?"

"No."

"Oh."

The plane's PA system blared.

"Alright, you snot nosed punks! Report to the cargo bay at once!" Chef yelled through the intercom.

* * *

The contestants all piled into the cargo bay, waiting for Chris to show up and tell them what was their challenge for the week.

"Good morning, children!" Chris exclaimed happily (and mockingly) as he walked into the cargo hold of the Jumbo Jet.

The cast looked at Chris with disgruntled (and in some cases, murderous) glares as he entered the room.

"Remember that time when we dropped you off the plane into New York City without any warning?" Chris asked, rhetorically.

"Yes." They all answered.

Chris reached for a lever next to him and pulled it. Immediately a hatch opened beneath the contestants'' feet, dropping them off the plane and into a body of water below. The contestants splashed and swam along to reach the edge of the water. They managed to climb up the tall walls that contained the water body and got back on dry land. They looked around and found that it was night time and that they were in a very well-known city.

"Welcome children to Paris, France!"

"FRANCE?" Lindsay exclaimed in utter delight.

"Yes Lindsay, France!" Chris exclaimed. "The city of Light. The city of Love. The most beautiful city in the world! Would be the perfect city if it weren't for all the French people, but hey, no one's perfect."

The contestants nodded in agreement.

"Before we begin, I can clearly see that some of you…"

Chris looked at Team Amazon.

"…Aren't motivated today." Chris said. "So to give you a boost, I'll tell you what the reward for today's challenge is. The team that wins gets to go on an all expenses paid trip through Paris that includes seeing a show at the Paris Opera House, a shopping spree at Paris haute-couture clothes stores and as a big finish, a romantic dinner under the stars next to the Seine for one contestant of the winning team and any other contestant they choose."

Lindsay belted a screech of joy that nearly deafened the contestants. However, all of a sudden the screech halted even though the contestants saw her mouth was still outstretched and her throat was vibrating.

"What's going on?" Gwen asked.

"Her screech of joy appears to be in such a high tone that it has become inaudible to the naked human ear." Noah explained.

"Now, let's head over to the place where our first challenge will commence." Chris said, giggling evilly.

* * *

**Lindsay** – Paris! France! Oh my Gosh! Oh my Gosh! Oh my Gosh! I can't believe I'm in the fashion capital of the world! We're gonna win this challenge and then I will shop 'till I explode! Or is it shop 'till I drop? I don't care…I WILL SHOP IN PARIS! /_Squeal of delight_/

* * *

"Welcome children, to the neighborhood of Saint Michele!" Chris exclaimed.

The contestants looked around and saw they were in an old Parisian neighborhood, where the constructions were mostly buildings from the 19th century that had been refurbished but that still retained the same structure they had when they were first built. There was also a large wooden trunk behind Chris and three modern movie-set trailers nearby.

"This neighborhood is mostly famous because this is the place where, in June the 5th of 1832, a large but ultimately unsuccessful anti-monarchist revolution had its center." Chris explained. "Since France is very famous because of its many revolutions that changed the course of history, I thought we might as well recreate the cheapest one of them for our first challenge of the night. Any questions?"

"Yes, did you skim through a summary of _Les Misérables_ to make all of tonight's challenges?" Noah asked.

"No!" Chris said, nervously.

He immediately pulled out his walkie talkie and spoke into it.

"Chef, abort the second challenge." Chris said.

"So we're not doing the _Les Misérables_ musical recreation?" Chef asked.

"No."

"But I wanted to play Javert!" Chef groaned.

"We'll do it back at the country club production when we get back home." Chris said. "I'll think of another challenge as this one goes on. McClean out."

"Out of the close…"

Chris stashed away before Chef could finish his joke and turned back to the contestants.

"OK children, in order to recreate the revolution, each team will have to take a different side." Chris said. "Team I Am God-Like In Hotness, since you have the number advantage you'll be playing as the French Army. Team Amazon will be the Revolutionary Students and Team Victory will be the Scavengers. The Army's mission is to eliminate all the Revolutionaries; the Revolutionaries' mission is to eliminate all the Army's men and the Scavengers mission is to recover the red flags placed in the Army and Revolutionary bases. Army and Revolutionary players can also shoot at Scavengers to eliminate them and keep them from winning."

"What do you mean by shoot?" Owen asked, a little scared.

"Oh yeah, you'll all be wielding this…"

Chris reached into a large trunk behind him and pulled out a rifle and a small pistol, both from the 19th Century.

"These babies are loaded with paintballs and you can use them to eliminate each other." Chris explained. "In order to make the challenge more realistic and glamorous, you will all have to be in costume for the duration of the challenge."

"These costumes won't be like the ones you used last time, right?" Courtney asked, with a growl in her voice.

"Last time? How were they last time?" Chris asked.

"Anime outfits with giant boobs." Gwen said, begrudgingly.

"Oh right. That was funny." Chris said, giggling while Courtney and Gwen glared. "No, this time they will unfortunately not have giant boobs."

"Good." Courtney and Gwen said in unison.

"So children, your costumes are in those trailers over there." Chris said. "Go get changed."

* * *

"These kids aren't gonna last a second, Chris." Chef said.

"Why not?"

"They don't have any combat trainin'." Chef groaned. "They're gonna f/_bleep_/k it up in three seconds. I'm tellin' ya."

"We'll see about that." Chris said.

Then the doors to the Team CIRRRRH trailer opened while the members of said team shuffled outside to the Parisian street. All five of them were wearing 19th Century Royal French Armed Forces uniforms which were made of black leather boots, blue pants, blue jackets with red collar lining and transverse white straps as well as black triangular hats.

Then the members of Team Amazon came out of their trailer wearing 19th century middle class fashion suits. Gwen was in a blue man's coat with dark black pants, black shoes a grey vest and a dark blue ascot around her neck. Courtney wore a white shirt with a red vest that was covered in vertically lined gold-colored bullet cases in a bandoleer fashion along with black pants and black shoes. Heather was wearing black pants and black shoes and a white shirt along with a brown horizontally strapped vest and a large green bow-tie. Finally, Cody was wearing a set of black pants and black shoes along with a brown coat, white shirt and a crimson colored ascot.

The last team to exit was Team Victory. Bridgette was wearing a tattered, grey rag dress that had a black sash in the waist along with a matching crimson beret; she had her hair down. DJ was in a pair of brown pants with brown boots, a white shirt with a grey collared vest, a red ascot and a red chimney-sweep hat. Lindsay was wearing a ragged light blue dress with a white doily in front of her lap and held by a white sash around her waist.

"Nice!" Chris said. "Now children, in order to make this more interesting each team will have back up players."

"Back up players?" Everyone asked in unison.

"Yes! While you were changing, Chef and I realized that a war between two teams of five is boring." Chris explained. "So we rallied up some of our show's nameless interns, put them in costumes and told them to take sides."

A group of twenty five interns appeared, all in costume. Ten were dressed as French soldiers, another ten as student revolutionaries and the last group of five as street urchins.

"Ten of these nameless, expendable interns will be soldiers with Team Me Is So Great, ten will be revolutionaries with Team Amazon and five will be thieves with Team Losers. In order to win, one side just has to take out the contestants from an opposing team, taking out the interns is not necessary." Chris explained. "Now each team head over to their respective bases, which will be indicated by your interns, and when you hear me give the signal you can begin the game."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Izzy - **/_In her soldier costume_/ This reminds me of my days in Normandy when I was in ol' Cap'n Miller's company and we got sent out to find this guy called Ryan who was always getting into trouble and needed some savin'. Yeah. /_Switches to a more saddened tone_/ Seven men died in the process. /_Back to her usual cheerful tone_/ But I found a small German bunny and named him Hermann. /_A rabbit jumps onto Izzy's shoulder_/ He speaks four languages and can kill you like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull…gruesomely and with many, many plot holes.

* * *

Team CIRRRRH prowled silently across the streets of St. Michele. A battalion of ten French soldiers made their way across the streets in a block formation towards the Amazon base. In the battalion were Alejandro, Tyler and Izzy along with seven of the nameless interns. Noah and Owen had remained behind with three other interns to keep the base guarded from Team Victory's thieves.

The block of soldiers were all armed with their pistols and shotguns, along with a pair of paint cannons that they had found in the base.

"What do we do when we get there, dude?" Tyler asked Alejandro as they marched.

"We take cover behind anything we can and aim the cannons at a fifty degree angle, so that when we fire the cannon balls will hit the top of their barricade with their lower halves and the upper halves will shatter and make paint rain down on everything inside their base and get them disqualified immediately, thus giving us victory." Alejandro explained.

"How do we know it's a fifty degree angle?" An intern asked.

"Izzy measured in her reconnaissance mission." Alejandro answered.

"I am deadly and precise with a protractor." Izzy added.

The crazy girl proceeded to pull several protractors out of thin air and throw them against buildings like throwing stars and somehow managing to make great damage to the walls with them.

"We're here." An intern announced.

Alejandro signaled his soldiers and they all proceeded to take cover. Two took cover behind the walls of a building to the left of the street, another two behind a building to the right of the street, Alejandro and an intern behind a set of barrels, Tyler and an intern behind a cart of straw and Izzy and an final intern behind the two cannons they'd brought along. Izzy and the intern put the cannons at the right angle and loaded them.

A deadly silence took hold of the street.

"Team Amazon!" Alejandro proclaimed. "We have you surrounded. Surrender yourselves or get eliminated!"

"You're bluffing!" Courtney's voice rung out across the street.

Alejandro did not reply, instead he gave Izzy and the intern a signal. The intern and Izzy returned it and then proceeded to fire their cannons. The paint blasts sprayed across the air, striking the wall of the Amazon barricade/base with their bottom halves and causing the top halves to shatter and spray across the air like paint rain. The "paint rain" scattered all over the base, drenching everything and tinting it all with a blood-red colour.

"Yes!" Tyler cheered.

The jock and several of the interns rose up in victory.

"We did it!" They boasted.

"Not quite." Courtney's voice rang out again.

Suddenly, a red paint projectile struck Tyler's forehead.

"Ow!" He moaned.

"You have to play dead!" Chris voice rang out across the neighborhood from his megaphone.

Tyler obeyed and collapsed to the floor. Then, two interns were struck in the chest with paint projectiles and they collapsed in pretend death as well. Alejandro saw, much to his shock, the members of Team Amazon and their interns emerge from the windows of two nearby buildings, all armed with their rifles and aiming at the them.

"RETREAT!" Alejandro yelled in desperation.

His team rose from their cover and ran backwards, leaving the cannons behind as the paint projectiles flew towards them. All the shots missed, save for one that hit an intern in the lower back. Even Izzy ran terrified as the paint bullets rained down on them. The escaping team did not halt until they were ten blocks away from the Amazon base.

"OK, we need to think of a new plan." Alejandro declared while trying to catch his breath. "First off, anyone else got shot?"

"I did." Answered the intern who had been hit in the lower back.

"OK, play dead." Alejandro said.

"Not quite." Chris voice was heard. "That's not an immediately fatal injury, he has do die slowly while slumped against a wall in great pain."

"You're kidding, right?" Alejandro yelled, angered.

"No." Chris answered. "Total Drama takes great pride in its realism, so either that intern acts it out or he's fired."

"I have a better idea." Alejandro said, drawing his pistol.

The teen raised his gun and shot the intern in the forehead, "killing him".

"Ouch!" The intern moaned.

"Now he's dead." Alejandro said.

"Why'd you do that for?" Another intern asked.

"Euthanasia." Alejandro answered. "Spare him the pain."

"He wasn't in pain, it was just acting." The same intern said.

The intern then looked at his fallen companion, who was rubbing his head to make the pain of Alejandro's "euthanasia" shot go away.

"I actually think he's in more pain now." The intern said.

"Doesn't matter." Alejandro said. "We need a new plan."

* * *

"I hesitate to say this, but that was a great strategy Courtney." Gwen said.

"Thank you, Gwen." Courtney said.

"Yeah, yeah, don't let it get to your head." Heather groaned. "Now what?"

"OK, I'll take a crew of four of the nameless interns and chase Alejandro's crew through the rooftops, picking them off one by one in a sniper fashion." Courtney said. "You guys stay in the base and guard it, but at the same time send out some of you to lure the thieves into a trap and take them out."

"Sir, yes sir!" Gwen exclaimed jokingly, which made Courtney giggle.

"I always figured I'd make a good military commander." Courtney said.

"Don't push it, Princess." Heather grunted.

Heather was suddenly trusted into the air by her shirt collar.

"Only Duncan calls me that…is it clear, private?" Courtney growled with a murderous stare in her eyes.

"Yes, sir." Heather returned, terrified.

"Good."

Courtney dropped Heather to the floor.

"Alright crew, let's get going." Courtney said, addressing four of the interns.

Courtney lifted her rifle and climbed up a ladder to a building's rooftop, followed by the four nameless interns.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen **- /_Terrified_/ It was at that precise moment that I realized I must have been losing my mind because I actually thought, just for a teeny tiny brief moment, that Courtney was actually….cool. Damn, I feel so dirty saying that.

* * *

"Very well amigos, now we will go around the sides of the Amazon base and try to get onto the rooftops to have sniper positions. Then we lure them out and pick them off one by one." Alejandro explained.

"Don't you think it's kinda risky? The success of that plan depends on them having gone back into their base after the last attack." An intern questioned.

"Trust me…I'm good at this, that's why I'm the commander."

"No, you're the commander because you called it." The same intern said.

"Nameless intern, if you don't shut up I will shoot you personally." Alejandro threatened.

"Yes sir."

"Pelotudo." Alejandro groaned. "Now prepare to…"

A paintball bullet struck the ground next to Alejandro, missing him by inches because he had moved slightly to the side. The Spanish teenager looked up in the direction from which the shot had come and saw one of Team Amazon's interns reloading her rifle. He then looked around to see more snipers, including Courtney, surrounding them.

"RETREAT AGAIN!" He yelled as another shot missed him by inches.

Team CIRRRRH began to run back to their base, pursued by the Team Amazon snipers. Shots of paintballs rained down on the fleeing army, missing them but getting close enough to encourage them to keep running like terrified animals.

Only one was struck. One of the nameless interns. A paintball pellet from Courtney struck him on the side of the head; "killing" him and making him collapse on his side on top of a bench, injuring his rib.

* * *

"Hey Noah." Owen said.

"Yeah." Noah replied.

"Do you wonder why we're here?" Owen asked.

Noah and Owen were crouched behind a bunch of large crates at the entrance to the Team CIRRRRH base, both of them aiming at the street in front of them with their paintball rifles from their strategic sniper position. Both of them had taken off their French Army hats and coats because of the intense heat from the sun beating down on them, but they had retained their French army vests and shirts and Chris' insistence (or rather demand).

"Yeah. It's one of life's greatest mysteries, isn't it?" Noah asked, rhetorically. "Why are we here? Are we the product of some kind of cosmic coincidence or is there a God actually watching everything? Is life a simple game of happenstance or is there some plan and purpose for all of us? I don't know, Owen; but sometimes it keeps me up at night."

Owen looked at Noah with a stunned look on his face but did not respond. Upon sensing his friends' stupefaction, Noah turned to look at him and waited for him to talk.

"I meant why we are hiding behind these crates that are right in the sun when we could be hiding behind those that are there in the shade." Owen explained.

Owen pointed behind and Noah looked in the signaled direction to notice there was indeed a large set of crates that could provide cover in the shade of a nearby building.

"Oh, I guess we could go back there." Noah remarked.

"What was all that stuff about God?" Owen asked.

"Nothing."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No, no."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, let's just move behind there."

Noah and Owen got up, picked up their respective hats and jackets and moved over to the pile of crates that was hidden in the shade. They were about to crouch behind them and resume their previous positions when they heard a scream.

"RUN INTO THE BASE!" Alejandro screamed.

Immediately afterwards, Alejandro and the entire platoon of soldiers that he'd taken out (minus Tyler and the four shot interns) charged into the base.

"What the hell?" Noah asked, dumbfounded.

A paintball blast landed next to Noah's foot, missing him by inches and making him turn around. He saw a Team Amazon nameless intern reloading her rifle and in a reaction movement, Noah lifted his own rifle, took aim and fired a single shot. The pellet struck the Amazon intern in the chest and took her out. Noah immediately bolted back into the base and ordered Owen to do the same.

"Why? What's going on?"

Owen turned around and looked up to where Noah had fired. He saw another nameless intern up there. He then looked at all the nearby buildings and saw three more interns along with Courtney…all of them aiming at him.

"Oh crud."

A paintball hit Owen in the stomach. Then another. Then another. A fourth and final paintball struck Owen but this time in the forehead, right between the eyes. The obese teenager lumbered backwards in a haze after being blinded with paint and collapsed on his back inside of the Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot base.

"Owen!" Izzy yelled.

The crazy girl leaped on top of her boyfriend's belly and proceeded to slap him in the face until he regained consciousness. He opened his eyes slightly but they were still lidded, mostly closed.

"Izzy, is that you?" Owen asked.

"Yeah."

"Izzy, I can see a really bright light. What do I do?"

"Is it really shiny?"

"Yeah."

"Oooh! I love shiny things! Go to the light, Owen!"

"The light is death, Izzy." Noah interjected.

"OK, sorry. Owen, don't go into the light! Resist the awesome shiny and come back here!" The crazy girl yelled.

Owen opened his eyes almost fully and spoke again.

"I need a sandwich…" He said, as if dying.

"Sure."

Izzy pulled open the neck of her French Army shirt and reached into her cleavage to pull out a large hoagie, which she handed to her boyfriend. The fat guy shoved into his mouth and swallowed it whole without biting or chewing.

"Is that better?" Izzy asked.

"Yeah." Owen answered.

"Good." Noah said. "Now play dead before Chris disqualifies us."

"Sure, Little Buddy." Owen replied.

The fat guy followed orders and proceeded to play dead.

"Attention Team Chris Is A Complete Swine!" Courtney yelled from atop a nearby building. "We have you absolutely surrounded. If you take a single step outside your base we will snipe you down! Surrender yourselves to make your ultimately inevitable defeat quicker and much less painful!"

"Courtney, there's no need to…"

Alejandro stepped outside of the base briefly to talk to Courtney but was immediately forced to scuttle back inside when a pellet struck the wall next to him, missing him by inches.

"OK, I think this is an impasse." Alejandro groaned.

"Captain." One of the interns that had remained behind spoke.

"Yes?" Alejandro asked.

"We've captured four of Team Victory's thieves. Three interns and a main player." The intern said. "We've executed the interns by firing squad but we kept the main contestant in case you wanted to see her."

"Her?"

"It's Lindsay, sir." The intern responded.

"OK. You did well in keeping her alive, Private." Alejandro told him. "Where is she?"

"Over here, sir."

The nameless intern led Alejandro to the back of the barricade base, where two interns were holding a girl at gunpoint. Alejandro noticed there were three "dead" interns dressed in thieves clothes with several red paint blasts on their shirts.

"Hello Lindsay." Alejandro said.

Lindsay refused to speak, closing her eyes and thrusting her head backwards in a steadfast gesture.

"So, you're not going to talk to me?" Alejandro asked, rhetorically. "Such a shame when a beautiful voice is kept hidden."

"Brenda told me not to talk to you or give into your 'cheap pandering'." Lindsay said, sternly.

"Brenda?"

"The surfer girl."

"Oh, Bridgette."

"Who?"

"Anyway. Bridgette…"

"Who?"

"Brenda…told you not to talk to me."

"Yes."

"But you're talking to me right now." Alejandro said. "You already disobeyed her."

"I…I…I did…"

"So if you already broke the rule, there's no real harm in doing it again…so why don't you talk to me?" Alejandro said. "I want to talk to you. I want to hear all the interesting and brilliant things you have to say."

"You do?"

"Yes." Alejandro answered. "In fact, a very brilliant thing to tell me right now would be where Brenda and DJ are."

"Who's DJ?"

"Tall Jamaican guy."

"Oh…you mean Herschel."

The interns and Alejandro looked at each other in confusion.

"Sure…" Alejandro said. "Where are Brenda and…Herschel?"

"Oh, they're gonna try and sneak into the other base to steal their flag." Lindsay answered.

"Good, they're no concern of ours." Alejandro said, satisfied. "But now Lindsay, we will have to eliminate you for getting inside our base."

"Yeah, wait. What?"

Then Lindsay felt a sting as a paintball pellet was shot at her stomach by the small pistol Alejandro was holding. He'd drawn it quickly and shot her just as fast, giving her no time to react properly.

"Now, let's figure out how to get out of this sniper circle." Alejandro said.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody – **When the day began, I was still pretty torn up about Sierra. I didn't like her…at all…but I still didn't like it when she left. Probably because she didn't deserve to go but still, I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought that focusing on the challenges would get my mind off the guilt, but when we had to wait for hours after Courtney laid siege to Team Chris I had a whole lotta time to feel guilty and miserable.

* * *

All was quiet on the Team CIRRRRH base. The siege that Courtney and her three nameless intern snipers were withholding on their base had already lasted three hours and the members of the aforementioned team were getting desperate. Most of them had stopped paying attention to the challenge and several of the nameless interns had started a poker tournament.

"Alejandro, we have to think of something. I am getting sick of being trapped with Randall McMurphy here." Noah groaned while pointing to Izzy, who was preoccupied with nibbling on the butt of her rifle.

"Well, I'm sorry smartass but I don't exactly know how we're going to take down Courtney and her troop!" Alejandro yelled.

"Wait. You guys want Courtney and the other interns to lose?" Izzy asked.

"Yes!" Noah and Alejandro groaned.

"Why didn't you say so?" The crazy girl asked, rhetorically. "BRB, guys!"

Izzy took off her French Army jacket and hat, stuffed her pistol into her cleavage and after taking a few deep breaths, she bolted out of the base. The redhead charged across the street, missing the four shots that were fired at her by the snipers from Team Amazon. She then leaped onto the handles of a nearby cart loaded with boxes, making the boxes shoot into the air and then land on the cart again, propelling Izzy in a catapult like effect.

Izzy flipped herself horizontally in mid-air and landed with her feet on the walls of one of the buildings. With lightning speed she ran along the wall of the building and once she was level with a nameless intern sniper on the roof of a house across the street she pushed with great force against a wall and leaped for the intern.

Izzy flew across the street, straightened herself out in mid-air and (in defiance of all physics) she began to bicycle kick the intern in the face. Izzy repeatedly kicked the intern until she fell down, then Izzy picked up the intern's rifle and took a single shot at her chest.

Sensing danger, Izzy leapt into the air, dodging a rifle blast from another sniper on the same building. Izzy gave several backward flips in mid-air before landing on top of the other intern. She snatched the intern's rifle and shot her as well.

Looking across to the other side of the street, Izzy saw the final intern aiming at her. The crazy girl dashed towards the edge of the building she was on and leapt towards the other side of the street. The intern's blast missed and Izzy landed on top of her in a pouncing strike, clawing at her face. The intern collapsed and Izzy took her rifle as well, delivering a shot to the chest that eliminated the intern.

Izzy's sixth sense kicked in again and she leapt up to dodge the rifle shot that Courtney had taken at her. Izzy landed once again and turned around to face the other girl.

Courtney stared at Izzy with a threatening stare that the redhead returned. The Team Amazon girl dropped her rifle and took a dueling stance; legs apart at shoulder-length with her arms hanging beside her body and her fingers wiggling; the position that is seen in every spaghetti western when two cowboys are about to duel. Izzy took on the same position and one of history's most powerful stare-down contests began as Izzy and Courtney threatened each other with their menacing glares.

Suddenly, Courtney and Izzy's right arms shot up and reached for their pistols. Courtney reached into her vest pocket while Izzy reached into her cleavage and both girls drew their guns at the exact same time, aiming at each other at light speed and firing. Courtney's bullet struck Izzy in the forehead while Izzy's nailed Courtney in the chest, both taking each other out and making each other collapse "dead".

In their base, Team CIRRRRH witnessed Izzy's showdown with Courtney.

"Izzy took them down!" Alejandro yelled. "Everyone out of the base! Let's charge!"

Following instructions, all Team CIRRRRH soldiers rushed out of their base, all armed and charging violently.

"Hey Al, what exactly are we doing?" Noah asked, running alongside Alejandro.

"Charging straight for the Amazon base. They're bound to be unprotected since they relied purely on Courtney for strategy." Alejandro said. "If we get there fast we can take them down in a flash attack."

"Whatever ends this crappy war re-enactment the fastest is good with me." Noah groaned, following the charge of faux-French Army soldiers.

* * *

**(Bathroom Confessional)**

**Gwen **– /_Covered in red _paint/ Courtney held the siege for like three hours. By the time the first hour had rolled by we were totally distracted, so we weren't prepared when Team Chris came along. It was a goddamn bloodbath.

* * *

Team Amazon and their nameless interns were lying about the street. The interns had started playing penny pitching to ease the boredom while Heather combed her hair while starting at herself in the reflection of a broken piece of glass, Gwen drew in her sketchpad and Cody sat around to wallow in his own misery.

"How long is Courtney going to take in eliminating Ale-psycho and the other Team Chris dorks?" Heather asked to nobody in particular.

"I don't know, Heather." Gwen replied. "We didn't know an hour ago. We didn't know five minutes ago when you last asked and when you ask again in five minutes the answer will still be 'we don't know', OK?"

"Fine. Calm down, b/_bleep_/ch." Heather growled.

Cody sighed in frustration, quite audibly.

"What's up, Cody?" Gwen asked, getting up and walking to the boy.

"Nothing."

"Still upset about, Sierra?"

"Yeah, but I don't know why." Cody answered. "She was the creepiest girl I'd ever met. She'd harass me, stalk me, cut my hair while I slept and I am pretty sure that she stole some of my underwear for reasons I'd rather not know…but I still feel guilty about voting her off."

"Well, guilty is a really crappy thing." Gwen answered. "I still feel guilty for something similar."

"Trent?"

"Yep."

"Do you still like him?"

"I…I do…Well…It's complicated."

"Isn't everything always?"

"Yeah."

After a moment of serene silence, Team Amazon heard a strange noise in the horizon. A stampede of sorts.

"What the?" Heather said.

Then, they appeared. The Team CIRRRRH Army burst across the street, guns blazing and ready to kill.

"It's Team Chris!" Heather yelled. "Kill them!"

The members of Team Amazon picked up their guns and rifles and took aim. The members of Team Chris did the same and then paint bullets tore across the air. On Team Amazon's side, Gwen and two of their remaining six interns were splashed with paint bullets, taking them down in the first barrage. On the Team CIRRRRH side three interns were blown away out of their remaining six.

Everyone took cover behind barrels, carts, crates or walls and began to fire when they could; aiming at contestants from the other team or at places where they suspected a contestant was hiding. Very few were clever to sneak off and try to go around the battle zone to reach the area behind enemy lines. By very few it only means Heather and Alejandro.

Heather snuck off to the right of the battle zone and went a street to the right before turning to the left to start going deeper past the Team Chris line and then re-enter the battle zone from behind to assault the other team. Heather made sure to snatch some of the "dead" interns' pistols to have more shots without re-loading, since each pistol only had one shot before one had to re-load them.

As Heather made her way out of the war zone, she stumbled across four curious individuals.

Bridgette, DJ and two interns.

Before they saw her, Heather slid into an alleyway and waited for them to walk past her.

"Now that Team Amazon is distracted with Team Chris, we sneak into their base real quick and we steal their flag." DJ said.

"OK." Bridgette and the interns answered.

As soon as they were past her, Heather shot out the alley and drew two of her pistols. She at Bridgette and DJ, but the interns got in the way and she ended shooting them both in the back. The interns moaned in pain, causing Bridgette and DJ to turn around just in time to see Heather drop her pistols and draw two new ones.

Both Team Victory contestants ran immediately, not having time to draw their own guns. Heather aimed at them both but Bridgette got out of the way quickly and thus she was only left with DJ. She aimed at him and fired both shots at the tall Jamaican teen, nailing him with both shots in the upper-back.

Bridgette ran for her life, trying to get away from Heather and form the battle-field. She was so distracted with looking over her shoulder to see Heather that she did not notice the open sewer grate until she was landing in the shallow raw sewage below and hitting her head against a chunk of surfacing brick.

"Ow!" She yelled.

She rubbed her injury, trying to stop the pain. It wasn't too serious but her forehead was bleeding so she began to get scared. Her breaths became shallow and rapid as she began to panic when she didn't see an exit ladder nearby and she probably would have began to scream for help if she hadn't heard strange music coming from behind her.

She looked behind herself for the source of the music and saw the strangest thing.

Trent.

Not exactly Trent, but rather a taller Trent wearing clothing that belonged to a middle-high class man of the early 19th century. Also, he wasn't standing in the sewers…he was in a sort of eternal black void of absolute nothingness.

The music grew louder and then Trent began to sing.

"_One day more.  
__Another day, another destiny.  
__This never ending road to Calvary.  
__These men who seem to know my crime.  
__Will surely come a second time.  
__One day more._"

Then another image appeared. This time it was Courtney and Duncan, both also in early 19th century garments. Duncan wore a cheap suit made of a blue jacket with a black vest underneath along with a red ascot and beige pants. Courtney was in a grey street dress which had sleeves but no shoulders and reached down to her calves. Duncan started to sing to Courtney but in a different melody than the one Trent sung to.

"_I did not live until today.  
__How can I live when we are parted?_"

Then Courtney began to sing simultaneously with him.

"_Tomorrow you'll be world's away  
__And yet with you my world has started._"

Bridgette saw how a fourth figure appeared out of the darkness. It was Gwen. She was wearing a ragged beige dress with a maroon beret. She was lying down on an invisible surface and sung while looking at Duncan with desire and sorrow.

"_One more day all on my oooooown._"

Courtney and Duncan sang while they began to waltz lightly.

"_Will we ever meet again?_"

Then Gwen sang once more.

"_One more day with him not cariiiiiing._"

Courtney and Duncan sang once again while their waltz sped up and gained intensity.

"_I was born to be with you._"

Gwen got off the "ground" and began to walk away while she sang.

"_What a life I might have knoooooown._"

Courtney and Duncan slowed down their waltz but kept singing.

"_And I swear I will be true._"

Courtney and Duncan stopped their and kissed each other with the fervent abandon of lovers waving each other goodbye for a long time. Gwen shed a tear and sung a final verse before vanishing into the darkness.

"_But he never saw me theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere._"

Gwen faded away gradually while she sung the final stretched note and her image was instead replaced with Cody emerging from the darkness dressed in 19th century clothing; brown pants, a white shirt and a beige vest to be more specific. He was carrying a large Canadian flag and he was being followed by an endless horde of nameless interns. Cody began to sing with a high tenor voice that was notoriously not his own.

"_One more day before the stoooooooooooooooooorm.  
__At the barricades of freedooooooooooooooooooooom.  
__When our ranks begin to foooooooooooooooooooorm.  
__Will you take your place with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?_"

The horde of interns pumped their fists into the air and began to sing.

"_The time…is now.  
__The day… is HERE!_"

Bridgette saw Noah emerge from within the crowd of interns, wearing a 19th Century Parisian Police Inspector uniform and step to the side while he sang his own verse.

"_One day more to revolution.  
__We will nip it in the bud.  
__We'll be ready for these schoolboys.  
__They will wet themselves with blood._"

Heather and Alejandro appeared, dressed in 19th century clothing like everybody else but their clothing was much more grotesque and ragged. Alejandro wore a ragged, ancient, dirty French Colonel outfit that was much too large for him while Heather wore a ragged, dirty red dress that was also far too large for her. They waltzed together while they sang.

"_Watch 'em run amuck.  
__Catch 'em as they fall.  
__Never know your luck  
__When it's a free for all.  
__Here a little dip.  
__There a little touch.  
__Most of them are goners  
__So they won't miss muuuuuuch!_"

The crowd of interns began to sing again, this time marching on the spot. It looked as if they were moving but they remained still.

"_One day to a new beginning.  
__Raise the flag of freedom high.  
__Every man will be a king.  
__Every man will be a king.  
__There's a new world for the winning.  
__There's a new world to be won.  
__Do you hear the people sing?_"

Courtney, Duncan, Cody, Noah, Alejandro and Heather began to sing their previous verses simultaneously while Trent sang a new one.

"_Tomorrow we'll be far away.  
__Tomorrow is the Judgment Day.  
__Tomorrow we'll discover  
__What our God in Heaven has in store._"

Finally, everyone joined in on singing the final verses.

"_One more daaaaaaaaawn.  
__One more daaaaaaaaaaaay.  
__One day mooooooooooooo-ooooooooooo-oooooooooooooore!_"

Bridgette got up. Her vision blurry and her head pounding. She looked to where she'd seen her castmates singing but saw they were no longer there and that the black void that was once there was now just a simply sewer tract. She heard for a brief moment the slow flow of water before hearing a set of splashing footsteps approach her from behind.

The blonde turned around to see Noah behind her, aiming his pistol at her.

"Hello Bridgette." He said in his monotone voice.

"Hey Noah."

"Are you OK? Your forehead is bleeding." Noah said.

Bridgette rubbed a finger across a sore spot on her head and saw that her forehead was indeed bleeding.

"I took a bit of a fall." She answered. "How'd you get in here?"

"Got in through a manhole further down that way to hide from Heather." Noah answered.

"I fell through a storm drain while running from Heather too." She told him. "How's things up there?"

"Main battle is over. Now it's just you, me, Heather and Alejandro left." Noah answered. "You should probably get that gash on your forehead checked. The bleeding isn't stopping."

Bridgette shot her hand to the gash and applied pressure to it. Noah ripped a piece off his jacket and gave it to her.

"Here, cover it with this." Noah said. "It'll be more effective."

"Thanks Noah." The girl said while she pressed the scrap of cloth to her wound. "It is pretty serious. I had this weird vision when I hit my head."

"Vision?"

"It was a bunch of the cast performing '_One Day More_' from _Les Misérables_." She said.

"Curious." He muttered.

"Why?"

"Who was playing whom exactly?" He asked.

"Trent was Valjean, Duncan was Marius, Courtney was Cosette, Gwen was Eponine, Cody was Enjolras, Alejandro was Monsieur Thénardier, Heather was Madame Thénardier and you were Javert." Bridgette answered. "Why?"

"From what you've described, you appear to have had a metaphorical foreshadowing." Noah said.

"A metaphorical foreshadowing? You mean I saw the future?" Bridgette asked.

"Not literally. Through a hallucination you saw a metaphor that symbolizes something that will happen in the future." Noah said.

"Do you believe that?"

"No. But it's a possible albeit not logical conclusion that I'm sure that you believe." Noah said.

"I do."

"I knew it."

"What does it mean then?"

"I don't know, but considering that _Les Misérables_ is a play that goes into depth about intrapersonal relationships and internal struggles I assume that your vision foreshadows how people's attitudes and relationships and will be in the not so distant future." Noah explained. "At least that's a possibility."

"For not believing in it, you understand it pretty well." Bridgette said.

"I'm smart." Noah replied. "You do know I have to shoot you, right?"

"I assumed so."

Noah raised his gun again and shot Bridgette once in the chest.

"Let's get out of here." He said.

* * *

**(Bathroom Confessional)**

**Bridgette – **What Noah said was…strange. However…I think he's right; even if he doesn't believe it. I think it's true. Now the thing is what does it really mean? If Noah's theory about personal relations and attitudes is true then things won't finish well because I've seen _Les Misérables_ many times and it does not end well. I'm worried.

**Noah – **Chris forced me to make a confessional right now. He wanted me to imply that I had feelings for Bridgette to boost ratings but the only thing I'll be implying now is that Chris sleeps with a stuffed plushy of Ryan Seacrest. I'll imply it by showing these pictures of Chris sleeping with said plushy. /_Noah pulls out pictures of Chris sleeping cuddled up to a Ryan Seacrest plushy doll_/ You're welcome, Celebrity Manhunt.

* * *

Bridgette climbed out of the sewer, briefly followed by Noah. As soon as Noah was back on the surface, he was blasted in the chest with a paintball pellet.

"Goddamn it." Noah groaned without too much annoyance.

Heather lowered her gun and smiled to herself.

"One more down. Only one more to go." She congratulated herself.

Then…the infamous bell chime.

"Jesus f/_bleep_/ing Christ!" Heather yelled.

"Stop complaining and start singing!" Chris yelled through his megaphone.

Both Heather and Alejandro groaned in discomfort when they heard a low, repeating guitar chord begin to blare across the deserted streets of St. Michel. Heather sang first.

"_In the dark of the night  
__It's when I always stalk my pre-ey  
__They never put up a fight  
__They don't live to see the da-ay_."

Hearing Heather's voice, Alejandro slid along a wall in the direction of the voice. Reluctantly, by Chris' insistence, he returned the voice with his own verse.

"_She is a wild cat  
__She has a real burning fla-ame.  
__Her fury's hard to swat  
__But I am gonna make her ta-ame_."

Heather picked up a dropped rifle and re-loaded it, stalking across the darkened streets while following the sound of Alejandro's voice. She ducked behind a pile of crates and waited while she began to sing her next verse, now as a high guitar riff began to play along with the repeated chord and a different but similar melody played.

"_Oh he thinks…he is stronger  
__But it'll show him he's a ru-unt.  
__He won't…__last much longer.  
__And I will have him where I wa-ant._"

The two began to prowl once again and somehow managed to sing a chorus together, despite the almost absolute impossibility of two people coming up with the same lyrics for the same song at the exact same time.

"_And though it's just for tonight  
__It ends and eternal fight  
__It'll tell who has the poweeeeeeeer!  
__One of us will remain on top  
__The other one will drop.  
__In the blaze he will coweeeeeeeer!  
__It's not about the brawl  
__When a passion's a-blaze  
__It's about the thrill of the chaaaaaaase!_"

Alejandro took position behind a low brick wall and fired a shot into the air, hoping to give Heather a clearer signal and lure her into a trap. He continued by singing to the initial melody from the first two verses.

"_Here's where it gets tense.  
__Here's where I pull out the cha-arm.  
__I'll take down her defense.  
__My passion is like a fire arm._"

Heather rolled her eyes at the corny sexual innuendo of his previous verse and countered with one of her own.

"_I'll smoke him out of his hide.  
__I'll lure him right into my si-ights.  
__I'll kick him the sides  
__And he'll see that this girl bi-ites._"

Alejandro scoffed and countered.

"_She thinks she's so tough.  
__Her supremacy's a thing of the pa-ast.  
__She won't hold on long enough.  
__When she tangos with me, she won't la-ast._"

Heather heard the previous verse quite clearly and smiled smugly as she knew she was getting closer. She stalked while Alejandro remained in his previous hiding spot and both broke into a chorus.

"_And though it's just for tonight  
__It ends and eternal fight  
__It'll tell who has the poweeeeeeeer!  
__One of us will remain on top  
__The other one will drop.  
__In the blaze he will coweeeeeeeer!  
__It's not about the brawl  
__When a passion's a-blaze  
__It's about the thrill of the chaaaaaaase!_"

Alejandro heard footsteps approaching and raised his rifle up, smiling confidently while a second more aggressive chorus played again and both sang.

"_And though it's just for tonight  
__It ends and eternal fight  
__It'll tell who has the poweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!  
__One of us will remain on top  
__The other one will drop.  
__In the blaze he will coweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!  
__It's not about the brawl  
__When a passion's a-blaze  
__It's about the thrill of the cha-a-a-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase!_"

Alejandro's smile faded instantly when he felt an arm wrap around his neck. He then felt the soft and familiar feeling of a girl's bosom against his back and then a soft kiss on his cheek, before hearing:

"Peek-a-boo, sweetheart."

Heather placed her gun against Alejandro's chest and shot him right on the heart at point blank range, winning the challenge.

"Shit."

"The censors are gonna be mad about that one." Chris said as he approached the two. "But with the ratings we're gonna get after this I don't think it will matter. That was awesome you two, not only because of the sweet rock tune but also because of the not too subtle sexual tension innuendo behind the whole thing."

"There was no sexual tension." Heather and Alejandro said in unison.

"Yeah, right…and I'm not dashingly handsome and absolutely charming." Chris said ironically.

"I think you're right on the money on that one, Chri…"

"Not now, Chef." Chris stopped his friend before he could proceed. "OK, let's move on to the third challenge. Interns, get the hell out. Castmates, go to the plane to get cleaned up and meet me and Chef outside in two hours."

* * *

As soon as the two hour mark was done, the castmates were dragged out of the plane and forced into cars; including Cody, who was still in the shower at the time and whose clothes had to be fetched up by an intern after the crew realized Cody was only wearing a towel.

The castmates were taken to the Hôtel de Crillon at Place de la Concorde in downtown Paris, near the Seine. They were pushed into the large hotel ballroom, which had been outfitted with a runway and several seats around said runway.

"Children!" Chris called out after entering. "Answer a question. Other than revolutions, art, sightseeing, cowardice and snobbery what is Paris famous for?"

"Mimes." Gwen said.

"Long lines." Noah added.

"Really tiny food portions." Owen said.

"Soccer players who headbutt people." Tyler commented.

"No." Chris said.

"Fashion!" Lindsay called out. "Or as it is known in French 'haute-couture'."

"That is…correct actually." Chris said.

"Mais, bien sûr il est. La France est le pays de la mode." Lindsay said in impeccable French.

The contestants stared at her in shock.

"Lindsay." Gwen said. "You speak French?"

"Bien sûr, je parlais français; ma famille a été de Québec. Que pensez-vous que je parle quand je visite mes cousins? Chinois? Je nes pense pas ainsi!"

The cast stared at her in shock for an even longer time.

* * *

**(Bathroom Confessional)**

**Gwen – **During this season alone I've been faced with Japanese giant robots, Russian assassins and Scottish monsters and still, that was the f/_bleep_/ing scariest thing I've seen in my whole f/_bleep_/ing damn life.

**DJ** – I am sorry I ever doubted Lindsay's intelligence.

**Tyler** – I already knew my Lindsay was smart. Nobody believed me, but I told them so! Yeah! My dad owes me fifty bucks now.

* * *

"Anyway…" Chris said, shaking off the shock of learning that Lindsay had some knowledge about anything. "The final challenge will be that all three teams will have to design a full set of clothing using the materials we'll provide you with and have one of their teammates model out their outfit on this runway. A jury will decided which is best and then declare the winner, who gets the big price we announced earlier."

Most of the girls cheered at the knowledge of a fashion challenge while most of the boys groaned.

"Since Team Amazon won the past challenge, they'll get the more luxurious materials and will have more time to pull this off. Alright teams, head backstage and start designing!"

* * *

"OK team." Heather said. "This is something I know about. I'll handle the design; you guys take care of making the dress."

"Whoa, who said you get to make the design?" Gwen snarled.

"I agree." Courtney said. "If anyone should make the design it should be me."

"Really? Can any of you two tell me one famous Parisian designer?"

Courtney and Gwen both opened their mouths to speak, but couldn't deliver an answer. Heather smirked victoriously.

"I thought so. You two might be big on that whole 'everyone should have their own style and independent clothing should be considered cool' crap, but this is Paris and here only fine fashion and designers can triumph." Heather explained condescendingly. "So you should leave the brain work to me."

Gwen and Courtney sighed in defeat.

"Alright, let's get to work." Heather said.

* * *

"OK guys, we are so gonna win this!" Lindsay exclaimed gleefully. "I am so good with clothes. I actually have a bunch of designs in my head and they are totally pretty."

"Great!" DJ exclaimed.

"Lindsay, you're in charge." Bridgette said.

"No, don't say that!" DJ yelled.

"In…charge?" Lindsay asked, curious.

Suddenly, her naïve/ditzy smile turned into a wicked grin. Out of nowhere Lindsay obtained a gray leather overcoat and an admiral hat, which she put on.

"Alright crew, go get me some chiffon so I can start working on this dress!" Lindsay ordered.

"Sir, yes sir!" DJ and Bridgette said, terrified.

"…And make it f/_bleep_/ing snappy!" Lindsay added.

* * *

"OK, what do we do?" Tyler asked.

"Beats me. I like to wear fancy clothes but I don't know anything about making them." Alejandro said.

"We're doomed!" Owen yelled.

"Calm down." Noah said. "I'll make the design."

"You know about fashion?" Tyler asked.

"Yes."

"Why is it that I do not find this surprising?" Alejandro asked himself.

"Beats me, now bring me some paper. I have designs to make." Noah ordered.

* * *

Three hours of design and sowing later, the teams were done.

"Very well." Noah said, pulling the finished suit from the sowing machine. "It's done."

"Nice." His teammates said.

"Who's going to model in it?" Owen asked.

"Well, I made it to fit Alejandro's build since he's the only one whose measurements I had." Noah explained.

"Why do you have my measurements?" Alejandro asked.

"Sierra gave them to me." Noah answered.

"Why?"

"I'm not sure." Noah answered. "She said that I probably wanted to know. What confuses me more was that she was oddly specific about your crotch measurements. I wonder why she would think I would want them."

"I think know." Alejandro said, realizing what Sierra meant. "Doesn't matter. Let's get me suited up."

* * *

"Aright, it's ready!" Lindsay said.

Lindsay showed the dress she'd made to Bridgette and DJ. The surfer girl swooned.

"Oh my God, Lindsay! It's beautiful!" Bridgette said. "That has got to be one of the prettiest dresses I've ever seen. You're really good at this."

"Thankies. Now put it on." Lindsay said.

"What?"

"I made it with your measurements." Lindsay said. "I figured it would look much prettier on you."

"Why?"

"Well, 'cause you're like the prettiest girl on this show."

"You really think that?" Bridgette asked.

"Totally."

Bridgette hugged the other blonde.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome, now put on the dress and get ready for me to do your make-up." Lindsay said.

"Whoa…Lindsay, I don't wear make-up." Bridgette said. "I don't use anything that gets tested on cute baby animals."

"Oh come on, Brenda." Lindsay said. "You'll look even prettier. Just let me do it this once, please? It's for the competition.

"Fine."

"Yay!"

* * *

"OK, I'm done!" Heather exclaimed.

Heather hoisted up the dress and showed it to her teammates, save for Courtney (who was pushing a large clothes presser back from where they'd taken it).

"Wow, that is actually very pretty." Gwen admitted.

"That dress looks sexy." Cody said, thinking of Gwen wearing it.

"Who's gonna wear it?" Gwen asked.

"Me." Heather said.

"Hey! Why you?" Gwen exclaimed.

"Because I made it with my measurements." Heather said. "I gave Cody the specific instructions that fit me and I…"

Heather held the dress up to her chest and noticed something.

"Wait a minute. The chest is too large."

"What?"

"The width of the top is too big." Heather said. "CODY! You made it a whole cup size bigger than I told you!"

"I'm sorry!" Cody exclaimed.

"What were you thinking? I gave you specific instructions about the width of every section!" Heather growled.

"Well, when I was doing the chest area I started thinking about cup sizes and then my mind began to wander and I…I got distracted!" Cody squealed.

"Great! Just great! Great going, perv! Now we're gonna lose because you couldn't keep your hormones down for five minutes!" Heather screamed at him.

"OK Heather, calm down!" Gwen said, before Heather strangled Cody. "Can't you remake it?"

"I don't have time! This thing took me two hours to make and we have fifteen minutes left!" Heather yelled. "We're screwed!"

"Why are we screwed?" Courtney said, taking off her cardigan sweater and breathing deeply because of the heat and exhaustion of the machine moving.

"Because Cody screwed up the measurements on the dress' chest and nobody has the size to wear the…"

Heather and Gwen looked at Courtney and were stunned to see something. Now that the girl was not wearing her sweater they noticed something about her.

"Courtney, what size is your chest?" Gwen asked.

"What? Why?"

"We need to know! What size is it?" Heather asked in frustration.

"32D! Calm down!" Courtney exclaimed.

Heather looked at the dress and thought for a moment.

"That's about the size of this." Heather said. "It may be a little bit tight but it'll work. Courtney, you'll have to be our model."

"In that? No way! It's way too revealing!" Courtney exclaimed.

"Courtney, if you don't wear this dress we are going to loose and if there is something that I know about you is that you hate losing more than immorality, so put on that dress!" Gwen exclaimed.

Courtney sighed.

"Fine." She groaned. "I still don't know how you didn't notice the size of my breasts before. I've been in a swimsuit on this show many times."

"We normally don't pay attention to that." Heather said. "We tend to be distracted by your bitching."

"Screw you, Heather."

* * *

"Alright ladies and gentlemen!" Chris exclaimed. "Welcome to the first ever Total Drama Fashion Show! Judged by me, Chef Hatchet and some French guy!"

"My name is Jean-Paul Baudet." The French guy said.

All the contestants (minus Bridgette, Alejandro and Courtney) were now sitting in the chairs around the runway while Chris, Chef and the French guy were behind a small table facing the runway directly ahead.

"Anyway, each team has designed their own outfit for the competition." Chris explained. "Now they will show us what they have. First up, for Team I Am God Himself…Alejandro!"

The curtain at the end of the runway flew open and Alejandro came out in a black tuxedo with a pattern of slightly lighter vertical lines that couldn't be seen from afar. It was buttoned up with three onyx buttons, allowing for a clean white dress shirt and a small black bow tie to be seen in the neckline. The breast pocket had a small red handkerchief coming out in triangle form from the top.

The pants had a pattern identical to that of the suit jacket and were adorned with an onyx button and complimented by a black belt with a silver buckle that had the French national motto "_Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité_" engraved on it.

"Very nice." Chris said. "I like it. It's fancy, it's classy, yet it's a classic. I give it a 9."

"I don't know. It's pretty unoriginal; it looks like any other tux I've ever seen. Though that belt is pretty nice." Chef said. "I give it a 6."

"I like it because of the emblem on the belt." The French guy said. "It reminds me of the dominance of La France above the rest of the world! But I also agree that it's a bit unimaginative so…I give it an 8."

"Alright, Team Me gets a total score of 23." Chris said. "Now, it's time for Courtney, representing Team Amazon."

Courtney emerged from behind the curtain. She was wearing a bright red chiffon dress that reached her ankles but that was very tight and thus hugged her curves very well. It was a little tight so it restricted Courtney's motions to a certain degree, but she still managed to move well enough for this discomfort to go unnoticed.

A Crimson sash held the garment together at the waist and the top of the dress allowed for Courtney to display enough cleavage so that it gave something to look at (and make her uncomfortable) yet not become obscene.

To compliment the dress (and to add an adorable touch of innocence that contrasted beautifully with the sensuality of the dress itself), Courtney had a tiny red bow tied to a lock of her hair on the right side of her head.

"Nice!" Chris exclaimed. "Now that is a very appealing dress. It's bound to give us a good share of ratings boosts! I give it a 10."

"I think it's very nice. I like the material choice. I've always been a fan of chiffon." Chef said. "Yet, it's like it wasn't made to fit you exactly…seems it restricted your movements too much so it ain't that well made. I give it a 7."

"I think it's good." The French guy said. "It provides the sensual touch of French materials, which reminds me o the superiority of La France! I give it an 8."

"Nice. Team Amazon gets a total of 25 points." Chris announced. "Now it's Bridgette for Team Victory."

The curtain opened and Bridgette came out. Suddenly, every guy (except for Noah) got some very familiar excited feelings (and in Courtney's case some very strange and confusing excited feelings) upon seeing Bridgette. The surfer girl was wearing one of the prettiest dresses anyone there had ever seen.

It was a light blue satin dress that made it to Bridgette's ankles and stayed mostly loose but still a little tight to display the girl under it had curves yet not completely show them off. It was held in the middle by a white sash. The neckline décor and the straps holding it to her shoulders were white as well.

What hooked the guys (and Courtney) the most however, was Bridgette's made-up face. The normally au naturale Bridgette looked stunning with the light yet notorious make-up that Lindsay had applied to her and simply captivated the audience and jury.

The jurors immediately pulled out signs that had the number 10 on them and Chris stood up while clapping.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I'd say this but…Team Victory wins!" Chris exclaimed.

Lindsay, Bridgette and DJ cheered audibly.

"You three will be having a tour of the city of love and one of you will get a romantic dinner with anybody you want." Chris said.

"I think Lindsay should get the dinner." Bridgette said. "She's the one who made the dress and the make-up."

"Yeah Linds, you can have the dinner." DJ said. "Besides, you're the only one who was somebody to go with."

"Really guys?" Lindsay asked.

Her teammates nodded and Lindsay squealed in delight.

"I'll take Tyler! Tyler!" Lindsay squealed.

"Alright! We'll take you all back to the plane now. Once we're there, Team Victory and Tyler get prepared because an hour after we make it back you guys will leave for your night on the town." Chris explained. "The rest can do whatever they want in the plane until Team Victory returns from their reward trip. Let's go!"

* * *

"I can't believe we came in last place." Alejandro groaned. "We have to focus guys; we can't allow ourselves to slip up. We're right now the best team, so we can't lose that."

"Relax Al, we're not gonna lose again." Owen said. "We're awesome!"

Alejandro, Owen and Noah were walking down one of the many unexplored corridors of the second floor of the Total Drama Jumbo Jet.

"We've got the best players." Noah said. "Me and my outstanding intelligence, you and your leadership, Owen's size and Izzy's crazy combat skills."

"What about Tyler?" Owen asked.

"He's got crap." Noah replied.

"You don't need to be so mean." Owen said, half-pleading and half-reproaching. "Tyler's cool."

"Regardless. He's not the most skilled person I know." Noah said.

"So chill Al. All will be fine." Owen said.

Owen leaned against a wall and was surprised when the wall panel he leaned against gave in and collapsed, revealing a whole new room behind. The members of Team Chris looked inside and were surprised to find a whole rec room.

The room had a pool table, a dartboard, a poker table with dice and several decks, beanbag chairs and a giant fridge fully stocked with soft drinks.

"Guys…I think we've just hit the jackpot." Alejandro declared triumphantly.

* * *

"Will Team Chris recover from their loss? Will Team Amazon learn to work together? Will Team Victory keep winning? Will I ever stop being so handsome?" Chris asked the camera from his position in the co-pilot seat next to Chef. "Find the answer to all these questions with more than obvious answers on the next episode of Total Drama _Wooooorld Touuuuur_!"

* * *

**XXX PLEASE READ XXX**

**Alright my readers, sorry for taking so long to update. This chapter was very long, reaching 21 pages on Microsoft Word and it's the longest chapter I've written for anything, so I would really appreciate it if you could review. **

**If I can reach five reviews I'll be happy…If I can reach ten I'll be ecstatic and if I reach 15 then I will hire Bon Jovi to play a song at all your birthday parties.**

**Gracias Totales,  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	6. E Pluribus Anus

**Chapter 6: ****E Pluribus Anus**

"Last time on Total Drama World Tour!" Chris announced. "The contestants had their fair share of culture when we made them participate in challenges at the city of love, fashion, art and really grumpy French people. Team Amazon and Team Chris Supreme Ruler of All That Is Awesome squared off in a representation of the unsuccessful Republican Revolution of 1832 where, against historical sources, Team Amazon won while playing the rebels. After that, a fashion contest was to determine who would take the crown. In the end it was Team Victory that won the contest and the night out in Pairs, I know, shocking right? Even though they came in last, Team Me didn't lose any teammates because it was a reward challenge and they got a little reward of their own when they stumbled upon an unknown room in the Jumbo Jet that contained a rec room. What will happen in this week's issue of Total…Drama…_Woooooorld Tooooouuuuuuur_!"

* * *

Team Amazon was bored. The three girls and Cody slumped around the economy class thinking of what to do to entertain themselves. These onslaughts of boredom were becoming more frequent with every day that the girl's spent outside the first class cabin. Everything was just exactly as every other time, except that Courtney was still wearing the tiny red bow from the France fashion challenge on her hair. They were so desperate for variation that they spent an hour and a half discussing her choice of using the bow.

"In the future, writers will be able to use a reference to this moment on this show to symbolize boredom in their works." Gwen groaned.

"I'm so bored, I am actually longing to land so that we can be on the next challenge." Courtney said.

"OK, have any of you guys noticed that Team Chris hasn't been in here all night?" Cody said. "In fact, I think we haven't seen any of them since the end of the Paris challenge."

That was when Courtney, Gwen and Heather all raised their heads in realization. They looked around the cabin and noticed that, indeed, there was no trace at all of Team Chris.

"Where the hell are they?" Heather asked.

"I don't know." Courtney said. "But we are going to go find out."

"We?" Heather asked, scoffing.

"Yes, we. As a team." Gwen said, backing up Courtney.

"Fine." Heather groaned as she got up.

* * *

"Three tens." Alejandro said, dropping his cards on the table. "Read 'em and weep."

"Such an original line." Noah commented, earning a glare from Alejandro.

Alejandro, Owen, Izzy and Noah were sitting around a table in the rec room they had found the previous night and were playing poker.

"What do you have, Owen?" Alejandro asked, half mocking and half asking.

"Three jacks." The fat guy said, putting down his cards.

"Damn it!" Alejandro groaned.

"Close Owen, but alas." Noah said while placing three aces on the table.

"Goddamnit!" Alejandro yelled.

"Izzy, what do you have?" Owen asked.

"Straight flush!" Izzy yelled, putting down the best possible hand on the table.

"How does she do it?" Alejandro groaned.

"'Cause she's amazing!" Owen said cheerfully.

"Aww, thanks Big O."

Izzy leaned over the table and gave her boyfriend an unusually soft kiss.

"Alright. I won the hand, so Noah you have to take off your shirt." Izzy said.

"Izzy, this isn't strip poker." Noah replied.

"Then why'd you take off your shirt?"

Noah was about to reply when he felt a cold breeze on his chest, which prompted him to look down and realize that he indeed wasn't wearing a shirt. Then he looked up at Izzy and saw that she was holding his shirt and sweater vest with her teeth. The bookworm snatched his clothes from the crazy redhead's mouth and began to put them on.

"I don't even want to know how you did that." Noah said.

"What the hell?"

The Team Chris members turned to the door to see that the members of Team Amazon were standing right outside.

"Busted." Owen said, a little downcast.

"You guys found a rec room?" Heather yelled. "…And you didn't tell us?"

"We thought that if we told you you'd be here all day and you'd…well, girl it up too much." Owen said, innocently.

"I'm sorry, señoritas." Alejandro said. "But men need a place where they can just hang out with other men."

"Then why is Izzy here?" Courtney asked, outraged.

"She's not so much a girl as she is an amusing mascot." Noah answered.

"That is so chauvinist." Courtney scoffed.

"No, really." Noah said. "Look…"

Noah turned to Izzy.

"Izzy, do 'the trick'." Noah told her.

Izzy giggled and clapped crazily before making seal yelps and leaping into the air. She did several gravity-defying back flips before landing on one hand and using the other hand to grab three nearby chairs and throw them into the air. The chairs landed in range of her legs and she began to juggle the three chairs with her feet while she sang "_Habanera_".

Noah looked at Courtney with a smug expression and Courtney sighed.

"Fine." Courtney surrendered. "However, it's still wrong that you didn't tell us about this. Now we want in."

"Well, you can't." Izzy said.

"Why not?" Heather asked.

"Because of this…Dibs!" Izzy yelled.

"You called dibs?" Heather scoffed. "That's retarded."

"Actually, it's not." Noah said.

The bookworm walked up to one of the bookcases that was against the left wall of the room and extracted a small book, which he opened up as he walked back to them.

"According to the International Code of Dibs Regulations and Statutes, "if two or more people inhabit the same living space, any living area which was not previously dibs marked can be obtained for one or more of the inhabitants calls dibs on the living area while in presence of at least one other person who will not be allowed into the living space by the dibs mark'." Noah explained. "Meaning that because Izzy just called dibs in front of you, this room is specifically reserved for Team Chris."

"What?" Courtney yelled. "Let me see that!"

Courtney yanked the book away from Noah and began to read through the page Noah had opened it on. The more she read the progressively angered and downcast her expression became. She finally groaned and shut the book.

"He's right. This thing is accurate and it's approved by the International Court of Justice." Courtney said. "For the rest of the competition they own this room and we can't go in unless they let us or we'll be violating international law."

"That sucks." Cody groaned.

"If you don't mind, ladies." Alejandro said. "We'd like to continue our game."

The girls and Cody glared at Alejandro before leaving, allowing Team Chris to return to their game of cards.

* * *

In first class, Team Victory and Tyler enjoyed their triumph. DJ was laying on one of the comfortable airline seats while he ate some fine chocolates that he had been given on a silver tray. Lindsay slept cuddled up to Tyler on the First Class section's lounge couch, both of them ultra relaxed after a fine massage and Bridgette was calmly enjoying the hot tub.

"This is the life." The surfer girl said, sinking up to her neck into the warm water.

* * *

"Those bastards got their own rec room!" Heather growled.

Team Amazon was making their way back to the economy class while Heather growled.

"And he wouldn't even let me in!" Heather went on. "How dare he? Alejandro is so going to pay for this."

"Hey girls." Cody said.

"Yeah?"

"If Team Chris could find an awesome secret room, then why can't we?" He said. "I mean…there's bound to be more around here."

The girls thought on this for a second.

"Cody, you're a genius." Heather said.

"I am?"

"Yes. Not only are we going to find a secret room, but we're going to find one that is so much better than Team Chris' that it will make Alejandro jealous!" Heather exclaimed.

"You sure are focused on Alejandro, aren't you?" Gwen pointed out, while speaking in a suggestive tone.

"What are you implying?" Heather growled.

"Nothing." Gwen said slyly before bursting into a giggling fit with Courtney.

Heather approached Courtney and Gwen with a threatening glare but she backed off as soon as she saw Courtney lifting up her arm. Heather dodged Courtney's "Lin Slice" blow and the brunette's hand struck the wall next to her, knocking down the metal panel attached to it and revealing yet another secret room.

Inside the room was a huge flat screen TV attached to a wall with a DVD player, several comfortable sofas, many bookcases stocked with DVDs, a popcorn machine, a soda vending machine and a cotton candy maker.

* * *

"Oh, Al…" Heather said in a sing-song voice as she poked her head into Team CIRRRRH's rec room.

"Yes?" Alejandro asked.

"Can I talk to you in private?" Heather asked in an innocent yet slightly seductive tone. "It's about something _very_ important."

Alejandro smiled seductively and got off the poker table, walking towards Heather while Izzy and Owen gave him thumbs up. Heather led Alejandro across the halls until they stopped by an open section on the wall. Alejandro looked inside to see Courtney and Gwen sitting on comfy couches, watching a generic rom-com while Cody made himself some popcorn.

"Dibs." Heather whispered softly (and mockingly) into Alejandro's ear.

"Mi/_bleep_/da." Alejandro cursed.

"Alright , maggots! Chris wants y'all to report to the exit deck right now! We're gonna be landin' in fifteen minutes and you're gonna get briefed on today's challenge! So get to the exit deck right damn now!"

* * *

"Hey kids!" Chris exclaimed as he got off the airplane. "How's things?"

"What's with the secret rooms in the plane!" All the contestants, even the recently informed Team Victory demanded.

"Crap! You found out about those, huh?" Chris sighed. "Fine. The plane is actually an old flying mansion owned by Howard Hughes and that we bought second hand…"

"Stop the presses." Noah intervened.

"…They told us it was filled with blocked up rooms, but we're not sure which secret room is where." Chris finished, ignoring or not hearing Noah's comment.

"Why didn't you tell us about the rooms?" Gwen asked, bitterly.

"Because if you used those rooms…you'd waste precious fuel and resources and if there's something that I specifically won't do on this show its sacrifice resources to make any of the contestants more comfortable or less pained." Chris answered.

"Again…stop the presses." Noah reiterated.

"Anyway…" Chris went on. "Whoever finds the rooms and calls dibs in accordance with the International Code of Dibs Regulations and Statutes of 1996 gets to keep them for their team for the rest of the competition. However, the teams can only use them if they win the day's challenge, so no matter what room you own; if you don't win you can't use it unless you get invited by another team. Any questions?"

The contestants remained silent, not wanting to hear anything else from the host.

"Now…do any of you know where we are?" Chris asked.

"I…"

"Of course you don't." Chris interrupted. "You don't know because we haven't told you yet."

"Actually, when we were coming down it was pretty clear that we're…"

"Shut up! You don't know where we are! Period!" Chris yelled.

"Fine."

"We are in the Democratic Capital of the World." Chris began. "The Epicenter of Capitalism; the Middle of Freedom Town; we're in…"

"Washington D.C." Gwen said. "We know…we could see it from the plane."

"Chef nearly knocked down the Washington Monument while landing the plane." Alejandro pointed out.

Chris frowned.

"You guys just stay up late trying to figure out great new ways to ruin my brilliant dramatic set ups." Chris groaned.

"Yes, we're in Washington D.C. Now let me get to explaining the challenges." Chris said while grinning maliciously. "To change things up a little, instead of having two challenges for all the teams we're going to go back to the formula we used in Total Drama Island and instead make three challenges in which each team will choose one member to play for them."

"Three challenges? But what happens if each team wins one?" Bridgette asked.

"What are the chances of Team Victory winning anything?" Chris blurted out, giggling mockingly.

"HEY!" Team Victory exclaimed in outrage.

"What? You can't win! You guys suck!" Chris said.

"WE DO NOT!"

"Actually, you kinda do." Cody said. "I've calculated the chances of you guys winning a challenge and they're 3657/1. Pretty low."

"See, the geek knows what he's talking about." Chris said. "Now, to save time, the challenges will all be at the same time so you'll have to make your choices now."

"What are the challenges?" Courtney asked.

"I can't tell them to you exactly, but I will tell you that one involves climbing, another involves fighting and a last one involves rollerblading."

"Rollerblading?" Alejandro asked.

"Yes." Chris answered. "Now choose carefully. One thing, though. The fighting challenge can only have guys in it…so Team Amazon and Team Victory's choices there are already made. Choose your teammates and I'll come back to start the whole affair in ten minutes."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **As the spiritual leader of my team, it was obvious that I was to have final say on who would be in what challenge…Or so I thought. Unfortunately, a very, very troublesome and increasingly threatening bookworm stepped in…

* * *

"Izzy should do the climbing challenge, Owen the fighting one and I should do the rollerblading one." Noah said, quite directly.

"Noah…I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself, amigo." Alejandro interrupted, fighting hard not to sound derogatory. "But I think we need to talk it over."

"Not really. Izzy is the most agile thing ever to flip around crazily on planet Earth; Owen is large enough to squash both Cody and DJ and I took figure skating and roller racing lessons." Noah explained plainly.

"You took figure skating lessons?" Tyler asked, holding back laughter.

"I had my reasons." Noah explained. "Besides that, you do agree with what I suggested?"

"Yeah, makes sense." All his team, save for Alejandro said.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **He's becoming a real threat to my dominance over the team…

* * *

Chris separated all the teams according to how they chose their members. He took those selected for the first challenge and left the others behind. After a long walk, they came to a very well known place in Washington.

"The Capitol building?" Bridgette asked.

"Yep. Your mission today is to climb to the top of the Capitol building." Chris explained. "Whomever makes it to the roof and touches the tip of the statue at the very top of the dome will win the challenge."

Bridgette, Gwen and Izzy had been selected by their teams to represent them in the first challenge of the day.

"Why aren't there any people here?" Gwen asked. "This place is always crawling with tourists."

"Yeah, we gave a fake bomb threat and they evacuated the entire area on a 10 mile radius around the Washington Monument." Chris explained, a bit nervously. "…And we only have about three more hours before they figure out what we did, so you better do this quick. Now I have to give the other contestants their challenges so…chop-chop, get started!"

Chris walked away from the scene and left the three girls to look at the gigantic American congress building.

"How are we supposed to climb that?" Gwen asked.

"Like this!" Izzy exclaimed.

The redheaded girl charged forward and with a great demonstration of force she rammed head-on into one of the great pillars at the building's entrance, knocking herself out. Gwen and Bridgette stared at her briefly to see is there was any kind of reaction, but it became clear quite quickly that Izzy would be out of commission for a while.

"I'm definitely not doing that." Gwen groaned.

* * *

The second set of contestants was led by Chris to a set of changing rooms where they were given costumes and told to put them on. After they did, Chris led them to another very famous location in the American capital city.

"The Lincoln Monument?" DJ asked.

DJ, Cody and Owen, Chris and Chef were standing in front of the famous giant statue of Abraham Lincoln. Chef had carted in three large structures that were covered in giant tarps made of some form of red cloth.

"Yeah." Chris said. "Lincoln was one of the biggest fighters in American history, so I figure it's appropriate to have the fighting challenge in front of his watchful, badass eye."

"…And what's with the costumes?" Owen asked.

Owen was wearing a grey U.S. Civil War Confederate Army uniform, as well as a decorative grey wig with massive muttonchops. DJ was wearing a blue U.S. Civil War Union Army uniform and Cody was wearing a set of black pants with a white shirt, a black tie and a name tag.

"Lincoln led the Union in the U.S. Civil War, so I figured it was appropriate if you were costumes that represented each section in the war." Chris explained.

"I thought it was only North vs. South." Cody said. "What am I wearing?"

"The war was actually only North vs. South, but a third sector that had influence in the events leading up to the war was the West." Chris explained. "Which was mostly inhabited by badass, lawless cowboys and Mormons."

"Then why am I not dressed like a cowboy?" Cody asked.

"Cody, if I gave you a cowboy costume, I'd be insulting every badass cowboy that ever lived. You're too much of a chicken to be a cowboy." Chris explained, leaning in to Cody and speaking in the most mocking tone humanly possible. "So we dressed you up as a Mormon; which is also a bit too badass for you, but we had to dress you up like something."

Cody groaned and looked downcast.

"Now, you guys get into the very shallow Reflecting Pool in front of the Monument and start fighting." Chris said.

"Whoa…we ain't gonna fight!" DJ said. "I love these guys!"

"Yeah! They're too cool!" Owen said while pulling both DJ and Cody into a murderous hug. "I could never hurt them!"

"We figured you'd resist, so we came up with something special to persuade you to fight." Chris said, grinning wickedly. "Chef, show 'em!"

Chef grinned broadly and walked over to the three large contraptions he had brought in. He pulled the tarps off the contraptions and three large vats filled with hydrochloric acid that had a large steel structure of rafters placed above them. Above each vat of acid, hanging by a rope attached to a pulley, was a mid-sized cage covered in a small tarp.

"In case you lil' maggots didn't go along with us, I got a hold of some things that you guys would kill for and hung them above large vats of acid." Chef explained. "If any one of you refuses to fight, the thing you want will be dipped in acid and dissolved. Even more, whoever loses the fight loses they thing they want too, so only the winner gets the thing they want."

"There is nothing in the world you could take away from me that would make me harm another living creature." DJ said, crossing his arms and looking away adamantly.

"Really?" Chef asked with rhetorical slyness. "Even this adorable clutter of twenty five baby pandas?

"What?"

Chef pulled the small tarp off the first cage to reveal twenty five, terrified, adorable baby pandas with bright, saddened eyes in full sad-puppy mode.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" DJ wailed in a tone so high that it shattered all glass structures in a five block radius.

"…Or Owen's entire stash of Mars Bars?" Chef said.

"Huh?" Owen questioned.

Chef removed the tarp from the second cage to reveal that it had a giant mountain of chocolate bars inside it.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Owen wailed in a tone so high that it shattered all wooden structures in a five block radius.

"…Or a copy of a naked picture of Gwen that she sent to Trent while they were still dating?" Chef said.

"What?" Cody asked bewildered.

Chef pulled off the tarp on the third cage to reveal a picture sitting on it. The full picture wasn't visible from the angle they were in but one could clearly see Gwen's head and notice that she was doing a sexy face while having one hand placed behind her head.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Cody wailed in a tone so high that it shattered the spines of every old person in a five block radius.

"So, get to fighting." Chris said while he walked away. "Chef will be monitoring you and whoever remains conscious the longest will get their prize. Those who get knocked out will get their prize dipped. So chop-chop, get to fighting!"

"We're not really going to fight, are we?" Cody asked, nervous.

His question was answered when DJ lurched menacingly towards him.

"I'm sorry, Cody…But I ain't lettin' those baby pandas die."

Cody tried to defend himself but found that he was suddenly flying across the air and landing violently, face first into the water of the shallow pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. DJ turned around when he heard Owen and growl and yell about wanting those candy bars. The obese blonde leapt toward DJ, but the Jamaican teenager dodged him fast enough to see Owen roll down the stairs of the Lincoln Monument and straight into the shallow pool in front of it.

"Don't worry adorable baby pandas." DJ said to the cubs in the cage. "I'm gonna save you and then get you some nice bamboo to munch on!"

* * *

The final set of contestants was taken to a less famous, but still very important location in Washington. The World War II Memorial, which was on the opposite to the Lincoln Memorial, on the other end of the shallow Reflecting Pool.

Courtney, Lindsay and Noah were all outfitted with rollerblades and brought to the starting point, where a banner with the word "Partida" was appropriately set-up.

"What's with the strange banner?" Noah asked.

"It means 'starting point' in Spanish, Noah." Courtney pointed out.

"You know Spanish?" Noah queried.

"I'm Hispanic." Courtney replied, somewhat indignant that Noah had not noticed.

"Really?"

"Yes."

Noah inspected Courtney and sighed in realization.

"It's true. I never really noticed. Most of the attention I occasionally divert to you is more concentrated on trying to drown out your voice with Bach." Noah explained.

"I am going to…"

"Hey kiddies, save the aggression for the race." Chris instructed.

"Race?" Lindsay asked.

"Yes, Lindsay. A race." Chris said. "The reason for which we made you wear rollerblades."

"We're wearing rollerblades?" Lindsay asked.

The blonde looked at her feet and found, to her absolute astonishment, that she was indeed wearing rollerblades.

"How come I didn't notice that?"

"I can think of many answers to that question." Noah replied.

"OK kids, line up and get ready to race." Chris announced.

The three contestants line dup under the "Partida" flag and prepared themselves, right before one of them made a rather important question.

"Wait. What's the race track?" Courtney asked.

"Oh, right." Chris remarked. "I thought I was forgetting something."

Noah and Courtney glared at him.

"Right, you guys have to skate out of here, then past the Washington Memorial Park, across the Smithsonian Plaza, then through the ten city blocks that follow it and finally reach the end at the Ulysses S. Grant Memorial in front of the Capitol." Chris explained. "Try not to get caught by the cops."

"Cops?" Lindsay asked.

"Yeah, we kinda cleared up the area by telling the authorities that somebody hid a bomb near the Smithsonian but we didn't think they'd send a bomb crew until way after we were done." Chris explained. "Turns out they didn't and there might be some cops crawling around the area, so be careful."

The contestants, being used to worse things than police officers, shrugged it off and got into position once again.

"Alright. Ready…"

The contestants bent their knees and stretched out one leg behind them in order to get a better pushing start.

"Get set…"

All three of them glared at each other briefly before re-focusing their sights onto the stretch of pavement in front of them.

"GO!"

* * *

At the Total Drama Jumbo Jet, the contestants who weren't participating in the event were stationed at Chris' special viewing room, observing their teammates compete against each other. Heather, Alejandro and Tyler stared at the screens.

"Come on, Courtney; skate as fast as you yak." Heather pleaded to the girl on the screen.

"It's useless, señorita. Noah is a figure skater and a fast one." Alejandro said.

"Courtney is Courtney." Heather countered.

"Good point." Alejandro sighed.

* * *

"I thought you two were vicious enemies." Manny said.

The three producers: Damian Hellburn, Manuel Alberti and Carter Denham; were at a rather famous building, speaking with rather famous people.

"No…we're good chums." Barack Obama and John Boehner said in unison.

"Really?" Damian asked.

"Yes, sure we fight when it comes to political stuff but we pretty much agree on everything else." Boehner said.

The three producers were in the oval office with the two main representatives of the big American parties, drinking beer and watching the contestants' progress on the special TVs that the producers had brought with them.

"Like what?"

"Well, we both love progressive rock, tofu burgers, the New England Patriots and late 80s-early 90s comedies." Obama listed.

"As well as your show." Boehner told the producers.

"Great season so far." Obama said. "Though we're sad that Duncan isn't around."

"You are?" Alberti asked. "You politicians wouldn't strike me as the type to like an impertinent, rebellious anarchist wannabe."

"Well, we don't like him per se." Boehner clarified. "We like him with Courtney."

"You guys like Duncney?" Damian asked, dumbfounded.

"Oh yeah." Boehner replied while taking a swig of beer,

"Big time DxC shippers." Obama added. "From the very start back in '08."

"Huh." Damian and Alberti sighed in unison.

* * *

Courtney and Noah sped along the Washington Memorial Parkway, dodging cars while dashing over the pavement on their rollerblades. Whenever the two contestants came close to each other, Courtney tried to hurt Noah using her years of martial arts training and Noah dodged her blows using his years of bully dodging training.

The aggressive lady managed to land one blow on Noah's shoulder, knocking him onto the path of an incoming Volvo, but Noah masterfully leaped into the air and while doing a twirl that made him spin on an inclined diagonal axis, he landed on the car's roof and leaped off of it to land on Courtney's head before bouncing back onto the pavement. Courtney, disoriented because of having Noah bounce off her head, swerved to the side and struck the side of a passing school bus, which made her slam onto a passing motorcyclist and knock him off his bike, which effectively restored her own balance.

After getting back her steadiness, Courtney tore the rearview mirror off a passing Corvette and charged at Noah, preparing to incrust the mirror into his head when they both suddenly heard a familiarly infamous chime.

"Now? I was just about to kill this midget!" Courtney yelled.

"Yeah!" Chris announced, speaking with a megaphone from the helicopter he and Chef were riding on. "Get to the singing, kiddies!"

The music to the classical American tune "Dixie Land" (which at one point was the unofficial anthem of the Confederacy during the U.S. Civil War) began to play. Noah cleared his throat and shoved Courtney to the side, making her slam into a bus while he sang the first line.

"_**Oh, I think our winning is pretty certain**_." Noah sang.

"_**I'm gonna hit him hard and where it hurts him**_." Courtney countered while she regained balanced and dashed at Noah.

"_**Look away, look away, look away D.C. Land**_." They sang in unison.

"_**In D.C. land I'll reach the sky.**_" Noah sang.

"_**I wanna kick and punch that guy**_." Courtney tuned aggressively while she dashed for Noah while cracking her knuckles.

"_**Look away**_." He sang.

"_**Punch away**_." She sang, getting closer to him.

"_**Run away in D.C. Land**_." He sang in a panicky tone while speeding to get away from her.

Courtney grabbed Noah by the shoulders, lifted him slightly off the ground and then threw him to the side. Noah landed on top of the hood of a car that was going in the same direction as them, giving him the lead. He grinned triumphantly and sang while Courtney growled and chased them at her most powerful speed.

"_**I'm gonna win in D.C.  
**__**Hurray!  
**__**Hurray!  
**__**In D.C. Land I'll make my stand…**_" He sang.

"_**...To kick his ass in D.C.**_" She completed when she reached the same speed and position as the car carrying Noah.

"_**Speed away, speed away, speed away real fast in D.C.**_" Noah sang in panic when he saw Courtney next to him.

"_**Punch away, punch away, punch away at your face in D.C.**_" She completed the verse.

When he realized Courtney was about to pounce at him on the hood of the car, he leaped off and landed on the pavement. He was quite precise, since just as he leaped, Courtney pounced and missed him, bouncing off the hood of the car and only landing on her feet due to her keen, cat-like agility. Noah stopped briefly when he saw her fall but took off immediately when he saw her land perfectly on her feet. Naturally she chased after him as they both left the Washington Memorial Parkway and entered the Smithsonian Plaza.

* * *

At Capitol Hill the first challenge was already well under way. Bridgette and Gwen had both reached the roof of the Representative Houses and only had to climb the dome to complete their challenge. Both girls were climbing the dome from the left side, though Gwen was climbing from the middle-left and Bridgette from almost the front-left.

Both of them lamented their fates when they heard the music and Chris giving them a cue.

"Sing or you're both eliminated!" Chris bellowed from the helicopter.

"I f/_bleep_/ing hate that guy." Gwen groaned.

"I heard that!" Chris yelled. "Now sing, dammit!"

"_**In D.C. Land I get frustrated  
**__**Can't wait 'till I'm eliminated  
**__**And get away  
**__**Get away  
**__**Get away from D.C. Land**_." Gwen sang bitterly as she climbed up one of the Corinthian columns that led to the small circular walkway that surrounded the dome about halfway to the top of it.

"_**Oh Gwen, come on, this place is nice.  
**__**So calm right down and take my advice  
**__**Seize the day.  
**__**Seize the day.  
**__**Seize the day in D.C. Land**_." Bridgette sang in a high pitched soprano voice while she climbed, being only a little bit higher than where Gwen was.

Gwen groaned and started climbing faster when she saw where Bridgette was. As she slid up faster, her grip accidentally slipped and she fell back, only managing to stay gripped to the column because of her strong legs.

"_**I can't wait to leave D.C.  
**__**Get away.  
**__**Get away.  
**__**Everyone here's a bunch of schmucks.**_" Gwen sang angrily while trying to get her grip back on the column.

"…_**Cause they're so nice in D.C.  
**__**OK.  
**__**OK.  
**__**Everyone's OK in D.C.  
**__**They're great.  
**__**They're great.  
**__**Everyone's great in D.C.**_" Bridgette finished while she made it to the circular walkway halfway up to the top of the dome.

* * *

In the Total Drama Jumbo Jet, Heather and Alejandro's argument had descended into plain name calling while they watched their teammates compete.

"_**You twit**_." Alejandro sang.

"_**Eat s/bleep/t**_." Heather returned.

"_**Who'd have thought you talked so sleazy**_." Alejandro mocked.

"_**Grow up**_." Heather countered.

"_**Shut up.**_" Alejandro returned.

"_**Oh, how witty, Mr. Queasy**_."

"_**Oh come on, guys. Calm yourselves dooooooown**_…" Tyler sang softly.

"_**Shut the hell up, you stu-pid clooooooown**_…" Heather and Alejandro countered softly in unison.

* * *

At the Lincoln Monument, Cody was trying to ram his head against DJ but the Jamaican kid held him in place with one arm before grabbing him by the shirt collar and throwing him across the Reflecting Pool.

"_**Most guys**_…" Cody sang while ripping across the air and right before slamming into Owen's stomach.

"_**Pick fights**_..." Owen continued.

Cody fell out of Owen's fatty folds and fell face first into the water. He rose almost immediately and was surprised when DJ put one arm around his shoulder and his other arm around Owen's fatter shoulder.

"…_**And this fight's real easy**_." DJ concluded before slamming Cody and Owen's heads together.

Cody swung around the water, almost falling several times before regaining enough composure to sing another line.

"_**Not cool**_." He sang, dizzily.

"_**Bear drool**_." Owen sang, even more dazed and confused than Cody.

"_**I think I'll win in D.C.**_" DJ sang confidently.

* * *

At the White House, a half-drunk John Boehner and Barack Obama both had one of their arms wrapped around the others shoulder and were both holding a beer in their free hand while they sang along to the tune.

"_**We always ship for DxC.  
**__**OK.  
**__**OK.  
**__**Duncan and Gwen together suck  
**__**Which is why we ship for DxC.  
**__**Ship away.  
**__**Ship away.  
**__**We always ship for DxC.  
**__**Ship away.  
**__**Ship away.  
**__**We always shiiiiiiiiip…for DxC!**_" Boehner and Obama sang in unison.

The two politicians reached into their jackets and pulled out two flutes. They put them to their mouths and played the song's outro before finishing the number by leaping onto a one-knee kneeling position and doing some jazz hands.

"Where'd you get those flutes?" Damian asked.

"Washington magic." Obama said.

"There's no such thing." Damian claimed.

"Oh yeah, then how come I can pull this penny out from behind your ear?" Obama told Damian while performing that described action.

"You had it in your sleeve." Damian replied.

"Shut up."

* * *

Back at the Lincoln Monument, the fight was still raging. DJ had Cody in a one arm choke-hold and was punching him in the face.

"You know DJ, maybe we could…"

Punch.

"Strike a deal and…"

Punch.

"Be friends because…"

Punch.

"Could you at least le me…"

Punch.

"…Finish."

Punch.

Owen charged at DJ and body slammed him, knocking him across twenty feet across the air. Cody coughed and tried to get his vision to focus once again. He stumbled across the Reflecting Pool, dazed and stunned, accidentally tripping Owen when the fat guy charged at him and knocking him on top of DJ. As soon as the geek's vision was restored, he saw Owen and DJ charging at him, prompting him to leap to the floor and take cover to dodge the two large attackers.

Owen and DJ tripped over Cody when he threw himself at the floor and both landed face first in the Pool. When they got up, they took it against each other and began to swing punches at each other's faces. After taking seven punches to the face, Owen finally collapsed on the pavement outside the pool, hitting his head and knocking himself out. After eliminating the Team Chris contestant, DJ turned his attention to Cody.

"DJ, there's no need to hurt me. We can just pick the lock and free the pandas now." Cody pleaded.

"Sorry, Cody but I can't risk it when it comes to innocent baby animals." DJ said while he threateningly approached the geek.

Cody gulped and then screamed like a girl when DJ leaped at him. The Jamaican kid grabbed Cody by the shirt, swung him on an inclined angle like one would swing a tossing hammer and released him into the air. Cody flew upwards ten meters and then fell down, landing on top of Owen's belly, which made him bounce up again to twenty meters before falling back down into the Reflecting Pool, completely beaten.

"Looks like Team Victory, somehow, won the fighting challenge!" Chris announced. "OK, time to work out the prices. Release the pandas!"

An intern standing next to the contraption with the three cages pressed a button on a remote control, releasing the baby pandas from their cage.

"Now eliminate the losers' prices." Chris added.

"What?" Cody yelped, springing back to life.

The intern pressed another button on the remote, triggering a mechanism that dropped the other two cages into the vats of acid.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Cody screamed as he ran towards the vats of acid.

The geek saw the picture inside the cage plunge into the acid and get disintegrated completely. He hugged the vat of acid and cried in desperation at losing such a prized object. Feeling sorry, DJ approached him.

"Look Cody, I'm sorry." DJ said. "But I had to save these pandas, man."

"F/_bleep_/k you." Cody told DJ in a deadpan tone with a furious face. "F/_bleep_/k you all over the place, DJ."

"I'm sorry." DJ said again. "But at least I saved the pandas."

Immediately, as if an act from God, the pandas leaped out of their cage and attacked DJ, biting him all over his body. The Jamaican guy ran around, trying to shake off the pandas while Cody kept crying while he hugged the vat of acid.

* * *

At Capitol Hill, Bridgette was almost at the top of the gigantic dome, having to climb only a few more meters before being able to touch the statue at the top.

"Almost there!" Bridgette exclaimed.

Gwen, meanwhile, was hanging off the abyss by a thick wire that had fortunately tangled itself on her foot.

"I hate America." Gwen groaned. "Something bad always happens when I visit this place."

"Looks like our spunk surfer girl will claim Team Victory's second win today!" Chris yelled from the helicopter with his megaphone. "If she does, Team Victory will officially win their second challenge in this game!"

However, fate played against Team Victory by allowing Izzy to wake up from her self-induced coma at that moment. The crazy girl looked up at the Capitol and saw that she had fallen behind the other two.

"Oh-oh." Izzy said. "Better catch up."

Izzy started walking one of the walls of the Congress Building, defying every law of physics by being able to walk on a 90º angle and defying every law of everything by being able to walk on a wall. She made her way to the roof and then began to walk up the dome, reaching the peak and in little over a minute and touching the tip of the statue just a second before Bridgette could manage to reach it.

"Crap." Bridgette groaned.

"…And it looks like Team I'm God has won the climbing challenge!" Chris announced from the helicopter with his megaphone. "Now the results of today's game are up to those in the rollerblading challenge!"

* * *

"You know what, dude?" Asked a very drunk Boehner.

"What?" A very drunk Damian replied.

"I think we should go outside to the White House lawn and shoot something." Boehner suggested.

The two politicians and two of the producers (Damian and Manuel) were absolutely wasted. Carter had kept himself clean and was doing what he enjoyed doing the most…standing still and keeping a deadpan face to look like a badass assassin.

"I don't know, dude." A drunken Obama said. "Aren't we like, politicians or something? Don't we have public images to keep up?"

"Dude, we're cool. We're just a couple pigeons." Boehner said. "There's a shitload of pigeons in Washington, no one's gonna miss a few of them. Just grab your guns and let's go kill something, I'm bored."

"Yeah, you're right." Obama concluded.

Obama reached under his desk and pulled out an AK-47, Boehner pulled a shotgun out from under the couch, Damian and Manny extracted Winchesters from the inside of their jackets and Carter pulled out a Remington from his pants.

"Let's go!" Alberti exclaimed while they all left the office.

"You know what I realized, John?" Obama asked rhetorically.

"What?"

"That by the way your name is written, it looks like it's pronounced like the word 'boner'." Obama said.

"Yeah…it kinda does." Boehner said. "Damn, my name sucks."

* * *

Courtney and Noah sped across the Smithsonian Plaza, repeating their cycle of trying to hit each other every time they got close, only that now they would deliberately approach each other in attempts to land a hit, but both found themselves unable to land any significant blows. Courtney couldn't because she was more used to fighting with her legs, which were now unavailable to her and Noah couldn't because of his lack of upper-body strength. However, the dynamic of their brawl changed when they rode past the American History wing of the Smithsonian Museum.

"I sure hope nothing bad happens to these conveniently placed sabers." A moving guy who was transporting valuables out of the museum due to the bomb threat said while he placed two American Infantry sabers on a table.

Courtney and Noah rode past the table and each grabbed one of the sabers the moving guy had set down seconds earlier.

"Crap." The moving groaned.

Courtney struck first, trying to swing her saber at Noah's head, but he managed to deflect the blow with his own saber. She swung the ancient sword at his midsection next, but yet again he caught and deflected the blow while he tried to strike on his own at her head, but she was just as quick as him and deflected as well.

She took another sliced at his head but he caught it and held it, trying to force her to slice her own forehead with own saber. Courtney pushed against him and began to win, making his saber come within mere millimeters of his own forehead before they both noticed they were heading straight for a fountain. They both gave a push to split up and they each skated past the fountain on opposite sides of it.

As soon as they were past the decorative water fixture she charged at him once again, swinging her saber at his gut but having the blow deflected and getting pushed backwards, which nearly knocked her over. He took advantage of that opening and tried to slice at her belly, but she deflected it and then in the ensuing flowed motion she tried to slice his neck but was herself deflected. He tried to take this opportunity to slice at her chest, but she was quicker and managed to swing upwards in a batting-like motion, striking the handle of his saber and knocking it right off his hands.

Courtney raised her saber into the air in an attempt to strike Noah, but the bookworm dodged and sped away, trying to escape the pursuing brunette. Courtney bladed after Noah with her blade high in the air. Just as she was getting close enough to swing, they skated right under a statue with an outstretched arm and Courtney's saber got stuck to the statue's arm, effectively disarming her as well.

Realizing that they were both unarmed again, Noah tried to charge at Courtney but regretted it immediately since she grabbed him by the neck and hoisted him up into the air.

"I'm sorry to do this, Noah." Courtney apologized half sincerely. "But my team's not losing again."

Courtney raised her fist up and then she screamed in shock when she realized that she had skated into a ramp. Courtney and Noah flew across the air at a great speed because of the ramp's propulsion combined with Courtney's previous speed. Their brief disobedience of gravity ended when gravity smacked across the face and made them land; Noah crashed into a pile of crates and Courtney landed on hard pavement, doing some damage to her skin but not really injuring herself in any serious way.

"Whee! I'm winning!" Lindsay exclaimed as she took the lead for the first time in the race, having stayed behind due to being afraid of getting attacked by Courtney or Noah.

"Oh no, you don't!" Courtney exclaimed angrily.

The brunette got on her feet again, brushing off the bloody patches on her elbows and skating off with hellborn fury. She bladed as fast as she could, picking up speed at a rate that once again insulted the laws of physics. She darted past Lindsay, shoving her into a garbage can and easily regaining the lead. She kept skating at an alarmingly fast speed until she finally reached the banner that said "Llegada".

"…And Courtney wins her challenge for Team Amazon!" Chris announced. "Looks like it's a three-way tie! We didn't really have anything planned for a situation like this because we didn't think Team Victory could win anything…so you all have an hour to do what you want while Chef and I think of a tie-breaker challenge. After the hour's done you'll have to meet us back at the Jumbo Jet. Enjoy your free time, kiddies."

* * *

"Fold!" Damian yelled.

The producer raised his Winchester rifle and fired, shooting a pigeon right in the head and blowing it off with the bullet.

"Nailed it!" The drunken producer yelled. "Your turn…Boner."

"It's Boehner." John Boehner complained as he stood up and raised his shotgun.

The three producers and the two politicians were in the side White House lawn, where they couldn't be seen by the general public and were drunkenly shooting pigeons out of the air. Boehner prepared his shotgun and took aim just as Damian's cellphone rang, distracting Boehner and making him shoot at random.

"Sorry, gotta take this." Damian apologized while he answered the phone.

"Damn it Damian, you made me shoot New Gingrich." Boehner groaned. "Though come to think of it, that's not really a bad thing. He-he."

"What is it?" Damian asked into the phone.

"Hello, boss." Chris McClean said on the other end of the line. "We have a problem."

"Hey Chris. What's the matter?" Damian asked, speech slurred.

"Yeah, there's been a three way tie in today's challenge and we don't have a tiebreaker set up. What do we do?" Chris asked.

"OK, let me think." Damian said.

The producer turned to his co-producers and the two politicians.

"Hey guys, we need a tiebreaker challenge for the show. Any ideas?" Damian asked.

"Oh, there are three Tea Party politicians in town." Obama said. "Make the teams prank them."

"Yeah, that's a great idea." Boehner said.

"I thought you liked the Tea Party." Alberti said.

"Officially yes, but in reality I hate those Neo-Conservative loonies." Boehner explained. "They suck and they all have dumb names."

"Yeah, 'cause John Boner is totally normal." Obama said.

"It's Boehner and shut up." Boehner groaned.

"OK, I'll tell him the Tea Party thing." Damian concluded.

* * *

"It's really pretty." Lindsay said.

"Yeah." Tyler concluded.

Tyler and Lindsay were sitting at the stairs of the Lincoln Monument, staring out at the Reflecting Pool's orange glow as the evening light bounced off its waters while the sun sank lower into the horizon, setting a pretty romantic mood.

Lindsay rested her head against Tyler's shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Both smiled and relaxed in each other's embrace.

From a distance, Alejandro stared at the couple, frowning bitterly.

"Fraternizing with the other team, huh?" Alejandro muttered. "What's gonna happen when we're up against Team Victory directly, huh? He can't be trusted."

On a nearby park, Gwen was walking around aimlessly. She had her sketchbook and pencil in her hands since she'd been making a few drawings of some sightings around the Lincoln Monument and was then looking for something else to draw when she spotted something strange beyond a bunch of bushes. A silhouette. A familiar silhouette.

"Duncan?"

Gwen didn't hear any response so she instead bolted over to where the silhouette was. She pushed through some bushes and reached a tiny clearing to find that the silhouette indeed was…only a statue.

"What?"

Gwen saw that she silhouette she'd mistaken for Duncan was actually a statue of the upper-half of the body of a man in military uniform holding a tin of "Cham" brand canned Meat. The pedestal the statue was on had an engraving that said "In honor of Private Steely Phil. He single-handedly won The Battle of the Bulge" written on a copper plaque.

"Damn it." The goth groaned.

* * *

"OK children, we have your tiebreaker challenge all set-up." Chris announced when the contestants gathered around the Jumbo Jet.

"What is it?" Noah asked.

"Do any of you kids know what the Tea Party is?" Chris asked.

"Oh, is it one of those things where English people get together in the afternoon to eat cookies and talk funny?" Lindsay asked.

"No, Lindsay. That's _a_ tea party. _The _Tea Party is a reactionary, ultraconservative and laughably ignorant group in the American Republican Party." Noah explained.

"Exactly." Chris explained. "Now, three representatives of the Tea Party are gonna be making big demonstrations in less than an hour around Washington. Your guys' job is to find those demonstrations and publicly prank the Tea Party representative hosting it. Any questions?"

"Which people are we gonna prank?" Tyler asked.

"Glad you asked." Chris said. "Team I Am So Sexy will be pulling a prank on the Tea Party's Senatorial candidate for Kentucky Rand Paul. Team Amazon will be pranking the Tea Party Caucus Chair and Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman. Finally, Team Victory will be pranking the spiritual leader of the Tea Party, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. Now get going and start pranking."

* * *

At the Calvin Coolidge Regional Park, near the Washington Monument, a Tea Party rally was taking place and the next person to speak was the candidate for Junior Senator of Kentucky, Rand Paul.

"OK guys, the plan is simple." Alejandro said. "All we have to do is wait until Rand Paul comes out and then we drop the bucket of fish guts on his head."

Team CIRRRRH had taken position on the rafters above the stage where the rally was being conducted. Their presence was covered by some American flag decorations that hung just in front of the rafters above the stage.

"Isn't this a bit cliché?" Noah asked.

"Can you think of anything better?" Alejandro asked.

"Maybe we could drop this bucket of bull testicles floating in elephant piss on him." Noah said, pulling a bucket out of nowhere.

"Why do you carry around a bucket of bull testicles floating around in elephant piss?" Tyler asked.

"I don't. Owen does." Noah explained. "He's been eating them since Japan, thinking they're taffy. I keep telling him they're not but he won't listen; I think his mind isn't capable of understanding that something he likes is disgusting."

"OK." Alejandro said, his face and expression twisted in disgust. "Tyler, you take the bucket of bull testicles and elephant piss and drop them on Rand Paul when I give you the cue."

"Why do I have to touch…_that_?" Tyler asked, disgusted.

"Because you're the team b/_bleep_/ch." Izzy answered. "Now do it!"

Tyler groaned but obeyed, taking the bucket and positioning himself next to the ledge.

* * *

At the Washington Hilton Hotel, another Tea Party rally was being held in the hotel ballroom. This time it was Michelle Bachman who was going to be making the speech. At the hotel bathroom, the three girls of Team Amazon had just finished preparing a disguise for one of their own to get them into the backstage area of the ballroom to prank Bachman.

"OK Courtney, come out now." Gwen said.

"I hate you guys." Courtney groaned as she stepped out of the bathroom in a full Sarah Palin costume. "I really hate you."

"It's just to get us into the ballroom, Courtney." Cody said.

"Still." The brunette groaned. "Let's get this over with."

The members of Team Amazon headed for the backstage entrance, where a large security bouncer was standing guard.

"Oh, hello. It's me, good ol' Sarah Palin." Courtney said, trying to imitate the former Governor's voice. "I wanna go backstage to talk with my good friend Michelle for a minute and give her some tips for her speech."

"Look, little girl." The bouncer said. "You're not fooling anyone with that cheap Sarah Palin costume."

"But I am Sarah Palin." Courtney tried to defend herself.

"Sarah Palin isn't Hispanic." The bouncer said.

"Damn it, Courtney." Heather yelled. "You blew it!"

The bouncer looked at Heather and immediately got wide-eyed.

"Senator McCain, I didn't notice you!" The bouncer said. "These girls are with you? I'm sorry, sir. Step inside."

"What? I'm not John McCain!" Heather yelled. "I don't even look like a septuagenarian old guy!"

"Oh, Mr. McCain. You're so funny." The bouncer said, laughing. "OK, you can step in, sir."

Before Heather could pounce on the bouncer and tear out his eyeballs; Courtney, Gwen and Cody pulled her inside the backstage area.

"That bastard!" Heather yelled. "Remind me to claw at his face on the way out."

"Whatever, senator McCain." Gwen teased, earning a deadly glare from Heather. "Let's think of a way to prank Bachman."

* * *

"So, how are we supposed to do this?" Bridgette asked.

Team Victory was looking at Sarah Palin from a distance. The former governor of Alaska was standing at a podium in the William McKinley Square, giving a speech about how Obama sucks for various reasons that aren't valid.

"We could drop some rotten fish on her head." DJ suggested.

"No way. I am not using the bodies of poor, defenseless dead animals on a childish prank. ." Bridgette objected.

"How about we throw a shoe at her from the audience?" DJ asked.

"And waste an innocent shoe?" Lindsay asked, rhetorically and partially in shock. "Never!"

"Then what do we do?"

* * *

"OK Tyler, as soon as I give you the cue you drop the bull testicle/piss bucket on Paul." Alejandro signaled, looking down at the stage from the rafters they were on.

"OK Al." Tyler said.

"Don't call me that." Alejandro said grimly.

"OK Al." Tyler replied.

Al sighed angrily.

"Great, now the writer is calling me Al too." Al muttered to himself.

"What Al?" Tyler asked.

"Nothing." The Spaniard said bitterly.

Below them, Rand Paul was stepping up to the podium, preparing to give his speech.

"OK, wait for my signal." Alejandro said looking focused at the Republican candidate.

Tyler waited steadily for Alejandro's instruction until he noticed one of the bull testicles floating in the elephant piss approaching his finger. Before he could react, the bull testicle rubbed against the tip of his finger, prompting him to yell in disgust like a little girl and jump backwards in fear and disgust.

On jumping back, Tyler slammed into Owen, knocking him to the side and making him spin around the rafter until he slipped off the edge and plummeted down onto the stage. The members of Team Chris looked over the edge to see where the fat guy had just landed. Or rather on whom the fat guy had landed on.

"…And Rand Paul is dead." Noah commented.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah – **He didn't actually die. He just had %98 of his bones broken. /_Grins_/ I think there are few things in life more pleasant than watching a confused right-wing libertarian wanna-be get crushed under a hulking mass of optimistic chubbiness.

**Owen – **I don't really think it was my fault since Tyler shoved me, but I still feel pretty guilty over crushing that guy RuPaul…I think that was his name. Noah says it was actually a good thing, but I don't think so. Yet Noah's pretty smart and if he says something is right or not, he's probably right. Noah himself said so.

* * *

"So what are we supposed to do to this prude?" Heather asked.

"I think we should do a classic." Gwen suggested. "Dump some pig blood on her. Like in '_Carrie_'. Ever seen that movie?"

"Horror films aren't my style." Courtney said. "The only ones I ever watched were with Duncan."

"Duncan made you watch horror films? And you actually did it?" Cody asked, bewildered that Courtney would agree to something she disliked for somebody else.

"Yeah, but it wasn't something enjoyable." Courtney replied. "Well…maybe it was a little bit enjoyable, but only because Duncan was there."

Courtney, quite uncharacteristically, giggled lightly and began to talk dreamily mostly to herself.

"I remember. He would pull that cheesy trick of yawning to put his arm over my shoulder and then he'd start kissing my neck to…"

"OK, can we move on with the challenge here?" Gwen interrupted nervously, not wanting to hear the rest of the brunette's story and thus become more uncomfortable than she already was at the moment (which was very).

"OK, maybe we can…"

At that point, a very rude Republican representative (your average Republican representative) shoved Courtney aside as he made his way through the backstage and knocked Courtney onto the stage, bumping into Michelle Bachman.

"Watch out, kid!" Bachman yelled at Courtney after facing her. "What are you even doing back there? Security!"

"You can't talk to me like that!" Courtney countered.

"I can talk to you in whatever way I want, you little spic girl." Bachman growled in a low voice so that the audience couldn't hear, though they did.

"First off, I'm Canadian." Courtney said, expressionless. "Second off…"

Courtney suddenly pounced on top of Bachman, clawing at her in a fury and yelling "you racist b/_bleep_/ch" while she brutalized the Republican candidate.

Bachman managed to release herself from Courtney's grip, but didn't get far since Courtney kicked her in the lower back and when she fell backwards in reflex Courtney grabbed her and slammed her down on the stage.

As soon as Bachman tried to regain her balance, Courtney punched her repeatedly in the face and finally took her out by landing a Lin Slice on her throat, paralyzing her from the neck down for ten minutes.

By the time Courtney was done beating up Michelle Bachman, she noticed the angry audience staring at her and preparing to pounce and attack.

"Come at me." Courtney muttered.

Immediately, the audience did just that.

* * *

"OK, so let me understand how this happened." Chris groaned as he, Team Amazon, Team CIRRRRH and Team Victory were dragged down a hallway in an unknown building.

A large group of men in black suits were dragging the three teams and the host down a hallway in an unknown building. After they'd all returned to the Jumbo Jet after their "pranks", the group of ten men in dark suits had come around, put bags over all their heads and dragged them off to parts unknown.

"The pranks went wrong." Courtney explained.

"Wrong? Just that?" Heather asked in bewilderment. "You beat up Michelle Bachman and thirty five of her supporters."

"Those audience jerks had it coming," Courtney answered. "So did Bachman. She's been ruining the GOP."

"Sure." Gwen said to finish the talk about politics, which she did not particularly enjoy.

The agents dragged all the castmates and the host down the hallway until they reached a stop. They heard the sound of a large door being opened before they had the bags pulled off their faces and then got shoved through a large door.

On the other side…was Barack Obama.

"What now?" Obama asked, holding an ice pack to his head and clearly hungover.

"Mr. President, these teenagers and host are responsible for the injuries that just befell the Tea Party candidates." One of the agents said. "You said you wanted to see them."

"Yes, I recall." Obama answered. "You may retire, gentlemen."

The agents bowed briefly before departing.

"Sir, Mr. President Obama…I'd like to confess to something." Chris said.

"Yes?"

"I would like to make it clear that pranking those candidates was the idea of solely these teenagers." Chris said. "I had nothing to do with whatever went wrong. It was all their fault, not mine at all."

"Thanks, jackass." Noah groaned.

"Look, I've been watching your show. I'm a big fan and normally I wouldn't mind somebody trying to humiliate Tea Party people. But when the attempts to humiliate them end in two of them and a crowd of their supporters having to be hospitalized, I can't just stand idly by." Obama explained.

"A crowd of their supporters?" Tyler asked.

"Courtney beat up Michelle Bachman and then some of her supporters that came after her." Cody explained.

"How many?"

"Thirty five." Gwen answered.

"Exactly, so now all of you are going to have to be severely punished. Except for Bridgette, DJ and Lindsay." Obama said.

"Why them?" Chris asked.

"Because they didn't actually harm Sarah Palin. They just prank phoned her." Obama answered.

"Wait? Team Victory won?" Chris asked, bewildered. "Twice in a row?"

"Yeah." Obama answered.

"Damn." Chris exclaimed.

"As for the rest of you, some severe…"

"Don't shove, don't shove, I'm already here!" Chef yelled as they pushed him inside the office.

"Major Hatchet?" Obama exclaimed.

"'Rocky' Obama?" Chef exclaimed as well.

"_Major_ Hatchet?" The contestants and Chris exclaimed in unison.

"Yes children…my former army superior…Major Lavernius Hatchet." Obama said, almost shamefully.

"Lavernius?" The contestants and Chris exclaimed in unison.

"Yeah, my first name's Lavernius. Laugh it up." Chef said. "Now Rocky, what're you doin' 'round here in this government buildin'?"

"I'm President of the United States." Obama answered, surprised that Hatchet was not aware of this.

"Really?" Chef asked.

"Yes. How do you not know this?" Noah queried, disgustedly surprised at Chef's obliviousness.

"I don't follow politics much, OK!" Chef yelled. "So you really are President, huh?"

"Well, that's a big step up for the klutzy private I knew."

"Major, there's no need to tell of my army days, I…"

"Once he mistook the barracks locker room for the one of the USO cheerleaders and went to shootin' practice wearin' a short skirt and a tight top." Chef recalled.

"OK." Obama said, interrupting. "Upon further consideration, I think it's clearly a bad idea to hold you in custody for a few measly pranks gone wrong…so please go away. Right now. Security!"

Immediately, the men in black suits reappeared and threw the bags over the contestants', the host's and the chef's heads once again.

* * *

"Well, well, well. It looks like Team Chris Is The Most Awesomest Thing Ever isn't quite as awesome as their namesake." Chris exclaimed mockingly at the team that sat in the stands of the elimination deck. "Your first elimination ceremony. How does it feel? Pathetic and murderously crushing, right?"

"Shut up." Alejandro said. "Why are we even here? The Amazons screwed up their prank even worse…they beat up a lot more people."

"Yeah, but Courtney kicking half the Republican party's ass will be great for ratings...Owen crushing Rand Paul under his enormous butt; not quite." Chris answered.

Alejandro groaned and glared at the host, who answered with a condescendingly bright and mockingly happy smile.

"OK, go into the bathroom and cast your votes!"

* * *

**(Bathroom voting confessionals)**

**Alejandro –** /_Stamps a passport_/I never thought you were very helpful towards the team and with the connections you've been making recently…I don't trust your team spirit anymore.

**Owen – **/_Hesitates on which passport to stamp, then covers his eyes with his hand and tries to stamp a random passport but misses and only stamps the bathroom counter_/

**Noah – **/_Stamps a passport_/

**Tyler** – /_Stamps a passport_/

**Izzy** - /_Giggles furiously before stamping her own forehead and then slamming her forehead down on a passport to stamp it_/

* * *

"The results are in." Chris announced. "Now remember the deal, whomever doesn't get his bag of airline issue peanuts loses. Owen and Alejandro."

Chris tossed a bag to both contestants.

"Izzy." Chris said, tossing the crazy girl a bag, which she caught by opening the top of her dress and allowing the bag to fall inside and disappear in her cleavage.

Noah and Tyler looked at each other. Tyler was severely nervous while Noah retained his usually calm demeanor.

"And the final bag goes to…Noah!"

Tyler groaned and looked downtrodden as Noah caught his bag of peanuts.

"Tyler…time to go dude." Chris said. "Being the sixth contestant eliminated on both seasons you participated. That's a sucky pattern."

"I'll say…" Tyler groaned as he grabbed his parachute. "I better get going. It was nice being in the team with you guys."

The rest of Team Chris gave him a half-hearted goodbye and Tyler prepared to leap off the plane when he heard a voice yelling.

"Tyler!"

The useless jock turned around to Lindsay running towards him with tearful eyes.

"I don't want you to leave. I love you!" Lindsay yelled.

"Oh God, Lindsay! I love you too!" Tyler yelled back. "Come here!"

A touched and lovestruck Tyler began to run towards Lindsay with his eyes closed and his arms outstretched, waiting for Lindsay's embracing arms around him. However, he found himself surprised when upon reaching Lindsay he accidentally ran chest first into her breasts, which bounced him back and knocked him out of the plane.

"Tyler? Tyler? Where'd he go?" Lindsay asked to nobody in particular. "Oh well."

The ditzy blonde left the scene, followed by the tired members fo Team CIRRRRH. The contestants left the elimination deck as Chris turned to the camera.

"Well, Tyler had a pleasant 'bounce off'." Chris joked badly. "Who will have nasty 'bounce off' next week, who will win a chance to be in the hidden upper rooms. Essentially, who will win next time on _Total_…_Drama_…_Woooooorld Toooooouuuuur_!"

* * *

**Votes:**

Alejandro – Tyler  
Owen – N/A  
Noah – Tyler  
Tyler – Noah  
Izzy – Izzy

…

Tyler – 2  
Noah – 1  
Izzy – 1

* * *

**Once again I apologize for taking so long. Two months to update, I am terribly sorry. I promise to upload the next one much, much faster. Anyway, I still ask you to please review and enjoy it.**

**Gracias Totales  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	7. Going To Bedlam In Belfast

**Chapter 7****: Going To Bedlam In Belfast**

"Last time on Total Drama World Tour. The contestants had their individual abilities on climbing, fighting and skating tested on three big bad challenges in Washington D.C., the capital of Canada's crazy down south cousin and with some dumb luck, brutal aggression and a surprising lack of care for old historic artifacts of the Smithsonian…all teams wound up in an unprecedented three way tie. To settle the score, each team had to prank a Tea Party politician, which resulted in a series of unpleasant massacres that almost got us all jailed. Lucky it didn't, I mean, I would not do well in jail. I'm too handsome to be in there. Anyway, in the end, Team Victory somehow managed to win and Team CIRRRRH's resident b/_bleep_/ch, Tyler, wound up getting the boot. Who will go down this time on this week's issue of Total…Drama…_Woooooooorld Tooooouuuuur_!"

* * *

In the economy section of the plane, two of Team Chris' team members were sleeping. Noah and Owen were sleeping next to each other. Owen was farting in his sleep and Noah was wearing a gas mask. Another contestant was waiting patiently by the entrance, expecting the return of the final member of Team Chris. When Izzy leaped back inside, Alejandro went over to her with an expecting expression.

"Izzy, did you get me what I asked for?" Alejandro asked.

"Sure." Izzy replied.

The crazy girl reached into her cleavage and extracted a large file labeled "Bridgette", which she handed to Alejandro.

"How do you do that?" Alejandro asked, surprised.

Suddenly, Izzy's expression switched to a grim one.

"Don't ever ask about that." Izzy ordered menacingly.

"OK." Alejandro replied, scared.

"Anyway, breaking into Chris' room and stealing his contestant files wasn't too hard." Izzy said. "I browsed through Bridgette's a bit and it's pretty precise, it has everything important she's ever since she joined the show."

"Great." Alejandro said.

"I also browsed through yours…Alejandro Serafino Nicéforo Onofre Burromuerto." Izzy said teasingly.

Upon seeing Alejandro's face turn absolutely red when his full name was called out, Izzy burst into a hysterical laughing fit and Alejandro growled at her, which did not in anyway stop her mocking laughter. Finally, Alejandro decided to ignore her and just sat down to read through Bridgette's file.

* * *

"You know what, guys?" DJ asked his teammates, rhetorically.

"What?"

"I think some people are just lucky." DJ said.

After saying that, DJ began to pour some ice cream onto his ice cream cone. After winning the previous challenge, Team Victory had the luck to have found another secret room…one that had a make your own sundae/ice cream/frozen yogurt/banana split supreme bar.

"…And we are some of those people." DJ finished.

Bridgette sat next to Lindsay in a nearby table. Both of them were enjoying sundaes and talking idly about girl things while DJ got his new ice cream cone. Then he sat down next to them and joined the chit-chat.

Outside the room, Team Amazon looked at them in envy.

"Look at that." Cody groaned. "They have chocolate sundaes."

"…And frozen yogurt." Courtney groaned.

"…And so much actual food." Gwen groaned as well. "Not anything that even resembles Chef brand slop is in that room. It's all delicious food and goodness."

"So what?" Heather scowled, looking away from the scene. "So they have actual delicious food, but we don't need that. We can live without it because we're the best."

"Yeah, you're right." The rest of Team Amazon agreed.

"Hey guys!" Bridgette exclaimed. "What are you doing out there just watching? Come join us!"

"Oh yeah!" All Team Amazon exclaimed as they entered the frozen treat room.

Heather stared in bewilderment.

"Hey! You can't join them for ice cream! You're betraying the team!" Heather yelled.

"Screw you, Heather!" Gwen yelled back.

"Well, I'm not going to betray Team Amazon. Unlike you, I do have loyalty towards my team."

"We don't give a f/_bleep_/k!" Gwen yelled back.

Heather growled and stormed off.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **/_Fuming_/ I can't believe they would just join up with the other team! You can't fraternize with another team, you just can't! What is wrong with these people, it's like they don't even care about the competition! If you make friends with the other team, it's harder to beat them! Even if you were friends with them before being split into teams, you don't go buddy-buddy with them while you're competing! I hate these guys!

* * *

The ice cream party was interrupted when the contestants felt the plane begin to descend and then heard Chef speak over the intercom.

"Alright, maggots!" He exclaimed. "We're touchin' down in ten minutes so Chris wants you in the cargo deck right now!"

In five minutes, all the contestants were in said cargo deck, awaiting the host's arrival. Chris entered the cargo deck in his usual outfit and addressed the teenagers.

"Hey kids." He said. "Normally I'd give you some sort of tricky speech before pulling this lever and dropping you off the plane through a trapdoor, but I think today I'll skip that."

Even though Chris had pretty much just warned them about what he was about to do, the contestants reacted too slowly and weren't able to move away from the obviously marked trapdoor they were standing on; so when Chris pulled the drop lever, they all fell in through the hole opened beneath their feet and plummeted to the ground below.

The fall wasn't too high, since the plane was flying pretty low but it still dealt the contestants some pain. When they got up and recomposed themselves, they noticed they were standing in a clover field in the middle of some open countryside near a forest and next to a road that stretched for miles without reaching anything other than the forest. The forest itself was not very visible since the sun was beginning to set on the horizon and everything was only lit by a dim orange light. It was on this barren, desolated road that Chef landed the plane.

In less than two minutes, they were faced with their host Chris McClean and like always he was dressed in a costume that had semblance with the country they were in. However, instead of the usual effect of giving the contestants a hint as to where they were, this time the costume nearly gave them all a laughter induced heart attack.

Chris was dressed like a leprechaun…With a ginger haired wig and everything.

"What?" Chris bellowed. "What?"

"The costume…dude…so funny!" Owen cackled.

Chris looked down at himself in surprise and then turned over to Chef.

"You told me this was a traditional Irish outfit!" Chris yelled.

"Yo fault for trustin' me, fool!" Chef exclaimed while he too had a laughing fit.

"OK! Laugh it up!" Chris said, angry and bitter.

Twenty five minutes later the laughter still hadn't wind down a single bit. Forty five minutes after those twenty five minutes it had begun to dwindle and an extra thirty minutes later it had come to an almost complete stop.

"I hate you people so much." Chris groaned bitterly.

"I'm guessing from the ginger dwarf costume that we're in Ireland." Gwen said, still giggling.

"Yes…Two days by foot outside of Belfast to be more specific." Chris said, still bitter.

"That's technically Northern Ireland." Noah pointed out.

"Don't really care." Chris said. "Now for the good part. Your first challenge is to make your way toBelfast. Whichever team makes it there whole will win the first round. You'll have to make your way across that dense forest and then through a long stretch of open Irish countryside to make it there. Good luck."

Immediately, Chef swooped down on the Total Drama Chopper and Chris hopped aboard before any of the contestants could ask any questions. Realizing that the first challenge had just started, the contestants bolted into the forest.

* * *

"OK, so why are we in the chopper?" Manuel asked.

The three producers: Damian Hellburn, Manuel Alberti and Carter Denham were up in the air. All three of them were in the production helicopter, a large Black Hawk helicopter, hovering above the Irish forest the first challenge was currently taking place on. Damian and Manny were sitting on some back-facing seats that let them look straight at six monitors that were showing the contestants' progress (two monitors for each team); while Carter was piloting the helicopter and was as always quiet and focused.

"Because we're inNorthern Ireland." Damian answered. "And after what happened inRussia, I am not touching down in any country where I have enemies."

"Enemies?" Manny asked.

"The IRA." Damian said. "Thanks to the automatic fuel reloader Carter installed, we have enough fuel for two days, which is how long it's gonna take the contestants to get toBelfast. After that, we land in the airport and wait out a couple of hours until the last challenge is finished and we can leave."

"Don't you think they're gonna attack in those couple of hours?" Manny asked.

"They're Irish. They're so drunk, their delayed response time won't let them figure out we've landed until hours after we've left."

* * *

"Well, we've lost 'em." Chef groaned.

Chris and Chef were looking down at the forest, looking for the contestants but were unable to spot them because darkness had pretty much covered the entirety of the forest after the sun set in the horizon and a very dim moon had come out.

"I told ya that lettin' 'em loose in a forest when it's almost night time without any flashlights or maps was a bad idea, Chris." Chef said.

"Well, you certainly didn't try to convince me too well, did you now?" Chris said, still looking down at the forest with binoculars, desperate to find the kids.

"I did! I even made a PowerPoint presentation about it!" Chef exclaimed. "But you still didn't listen!"

"Shut up, Lavernius!" Chris groaned.

"You know Chris; it's a real bad idea to make fun of the guy who could knock you off this chopper with one hand." Chef threatened.

"Um…I meant, I'm sorry, Chef." Chris apologized nervously.

"_Major_ Chef." Chef insisted.

"Yes…of course, Major, sir." Chris choked out in nervousness.

* * *

"We've been wandering around for hours." Heather groaned. "Courtney, do you have any clue where we're going?"

Heather hugged her arms close to herself, trying to keep in the warmth. In retrospect, she regretted coming to a world tour show with clothes that consisted primarily of tube tops and short shorts.

"Courtney?"

No response.

"Oh crap."

* * *

"I told those idiots not get too apart from each other but no!" Courtney groaned to herself. "By the time I get out of these woods they better have already made it to Bedlam because if I lose due to their ineptitude I am so going to slaughter them!"

She suddenly felt a cold breeze rush past her cheeks, which elicited a brief but annoying goosebump across her body.

"Crap, now it's getting cold! I hate those guys."

* * *

"This sucks." Gwen groaned. "Could be worse, could be having to listen to Heather complain about how her shoes are getting muddy."

* * *

"Gotta stay brave. Gotta stay brave. Gotta stay brave. Gotta stay brave." Cody muttered to himself over and over again.

Then he felt a slight breeze slide across his hand.

"AAAAAAH!" He screamed at a frequency of 2.0 Hz as he ran aimlessly in terror.

* * *

However, Team Amazon was not the only one that had accidentally split itself up.

"I blame Izzy for this." Noah groaned as he tried to find a way out of the thick, dark woods. "If she hadn't tried to talk to that damn owl we probably could have stuck together."

He paused briefly when he heard some scuttling in the nearby bushes.

"Oh, don't panic. The only dangerous animal that can be found in the Northern Irish forests at this time of year is the Irish Screaming Fox and he always alerts his pray with a shrill, almost terrified-sounding scream of 2.0 Hz of frequency." He muttered to himself.

"AAAAAAAH!" Noah heard nearby.

"Oh Jesus, what frequency was that?"

"AAAAAAAH!"

"2.0." Noah muttered.

Realization dawned.

"Irish Screaming Fox!" Noah yelled. "AAAAAAH!"

The bookwork bolted into the forest, trying to get away from the screams that he heard nearby.

* * *

"OK Owen, don't get scared. I mean, this is a harmless forest. Nothing bad ever happens in the forest. Except in horror movies like the onesDuncanshowed you; but that stuff's not real." Owen muttered, trying to comfort himself. "Except the ones that he said were based on true stories; but he said that they couldn't hurt me because they didn't take place anywhere near close to home, they took place in…Ireland."

Owen stopped dead on his tracks.

"OK Owen, don't move a muscle. Insane chainsaw killers can't see you if you don't move."

"AAAAAAH!" Owen heard.

"AAAAAAH!" Owen replied as he ran away in terror.

* * *

"This is boring." Izzy moaned as she swung from branch to branch, doing pirouettes in mid-air as she did so.

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"Ooh, screaming contest! Awesome!" Izzy exclaimed. "AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAH!"

* * *

"It's just an empty forest, just an empty forest, an empty forest, empty forest, forest, forest, forest." Bridgette choked out as she quaked in fear, scuttling across the forest and trying to find some degree of mental stability as she faced her greatest fear once again.

"AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bridgette screamed in absolute terror, bolting forward through the forest like the rest of the cast began to do after hearing the horrendous scream that she had just unleashed.

Across the forest, every last contestant, no matter how brave began to scream and run in terror upon hearing Bridgette's scream of panic. Even Chris and Chef heard it up in their helicopter.

"I think that's bad news." Chris said.

"Yeah." Chef agreed. "Maybe we should intervene."

"OK, turn on the searchlight, I'll tell them to calm down over the megaphone." Chris told him.

Chef turned on the chopper's searchlight and began to move it across the forest, trying to spot some of the contestants. Chris pulled out the megaphone and spoke through it.

"Children, calm down. It's me, Chris! There's nothing to fear. Just relax." He said.

However, due to a malfunction in the megaphone and the interference generated by the chopper's noise, it came out more like:

"Grrraaarrrgh! Raaaawwwwwrrggggghhhhh!"

Coupled with the unnatural, fast moving searchlight, this meant only one thing for the contestants.

"MONSTER!" They all yelled in unison.

The scream reached Chris and Chef.

"Ooops." Chris exclaimed.

The contestants dashed across the forest, going around aimlessly until they stumbled upon a brief savior…a house. An old, rather large house in the middle of the forest. Normally the contestants would question the presence of such an out of place house in the middle of the forest, but at the time they preferred anything to the dark, scary forest with the "monster" in it. So they all rushed inside when they saw it.

However, since they arrived at the different moments and through different places, none of them saw each other go in and since all went to different places inside it, none ran into each other. At least, not initially.

"Safe at last." Noah groaned.

Being the last one to arrive at the house, he was the only one who didn't get to be in a room on his own.

"Right you are, Noah." Izzy exclaimed.

"Aaah! Izzy! You startled me!" Noah groaned, almost whispering.

"Why are you whispering?" Izzy asked.

"Because I don't want to alert whatever's out there that I'm in here." Noah said. "Now let's find a candle to get a little light."

"We could just turn on the lights." Izzy suggested.

"You could if you wanted to alert every beast out there that there's fresh food in here." Noah replied, sarcastically. "Besides, I doubt there's power inside this old shack."

"Oh, OK."

The two began to rummage through the small living room they were in. They found the usual things you'd find in a living room: a couple of sofas, an armchair, a couch, a fireplace, a coffee table, the usual. However, Noah stumbled upon something a little more uncommon on one of the corners of the living room.

An Irish flag spread out and hung between two tall metal poles. The flag had the words "_Óglaigh nah Éireann_" and the initials "_RIRA_" spray painted across it.

"RIRA." Noah muttered. "That's the initials for the Real Irish Rep…Oh God."

"Hey Noah, I found a candle in this closet. Let me light it." Izzy said.

"Izzy, come over here." Noah said, slightly scared.

"Sure." Izzy said, carrying the candle. "What's that?"

"That's a Real Irish Republican Army flag." Noah said. "We have to get out of here."

"Why?"

"The RIRA is a subdivision of the IRA, which is a terrorist group that wants to makeIrelandindependent from theUK." Noah explained.

Izzy remained unfazed.

"By blowing stuff up."

Izzy still did not react.

"Which means they're violent."

Izzy still did not change.

"Which means if they catch us here they'll freaking kill us!"

"Oh."

"Now put down that candle and…Izzy, that's not a candle."

"No?"

"No, that's a stick of dynamite. A lit stick of dynamite."

"Oh…"

"Please throw it across the room and then dodge out of the way with me."

"OK."

"Sure."

Doing as she was told, Izzy promptly hurled the almost ready to explode stick of dynamite across the room and it landed next to the open door of the closet from which Izzy had extracted it. Only when the light of the dynamite hit the closet did Noah see that it was jam packed with all kinds of explosives.

"F/_bleep_/ you, Izzy." Noah groaned.

"You already did."

"What?"

"In the cargo hold, that night."

"What are you…"

BOOM.

* * *

"What was that?" Chris yelled in terror.

"That house over there blew up!" Chef exclaimed.

The two were hovering relatively close to the large house in the middle of the forest when it exploded, which gave them a clear sight to see the contestants fly across the air after the explosion.

"CRAP!" Chris yelled. "Chef, follow them! If any of them get seriously hurt we could get sued!"

"Right on, boss." Chef said as he flew forward.

* * *

"What was that?" Damian asked.

"Looks like a huge explosion." Manny replied.

"No shit Sherlock, but I mean, what exploded?" Damian said.

"No clue. Carter, get closer." Alberti ordered.

Carter pushed the Black Hawk forward until they were hovering above the now burning wreck where the explosion had come from-

"Looks like a house." Damian said.

"Looked like a house." Alberti corrected.

Nearby, another helicopter was also nearing the explosion site. A helicopter carrying five armed Irish men in combat clothing.

"Our base!" One of the men in the helicopter said. "Somebody blew it up!"

"How did this happen?" One asked.

"Look over there!" Another guy said, pointing at the distance.

The Irishmen looked over to where their companion was pointing and noticed a Black Hawk helicopter hovering over the flaming remains.

"That's a British standard helicopter!" The pilot yelled. "Those bastards blew up our base!"

"Let's get 'em!" Another man yelled.

One of the IRA men extracted a rocket launcher from the back of the helicopter and took aim at the Black Hawk. He fired.

The rocket zoomed past the darkness and missed the Black Hawk by centimeters, blowing up in the distance instead.

"What the hell was that?" Alberti yelled.

"IRA Chopper!" Damian yelled, spotting the other helicopter.

"How do you know it's IRA?"

"Who else could it be?"

"Let's get outta here!"

* * *

Light slowly crept into her eyelids. By pointillism, bit by bit of the sunbeams slid between her lidded eyes and forced her to slowly open them. She blinked a couple of times and suddenly realized that she was shaking, or rather that somebody was shaking her.

A tall, dark, masculine frame appeared in front of her, out of focus but slowly becoming clearer until she realized it was Alejandro. When she fully opened her eyes, the Team CIRRRRH contestant stopped shaking Bridgette.

"Bridgette, are you OK?" He asked with concern.

"Ugh…what happened?"

"I'm not sure. I was resting in a house in the woods, then I heard an explosion and the next thing I know is that I woke up here." Alejandro answered.

Bridgette looked around herself and noticed that she and Alejandro were still in the forest, albeit in a far less dense part of it, since they were in a clearing at the bottom of a relatively tall hill. She hoisted herself up with Alejandro's help.

"Any idea where this is?" Bridgette asked.

"Not really, but I've been awake for a couples of hours now while I was waiting for you to wake up and I noticed that the sun has been rising from over there, so that's the East. SinceBelfastis to the West of here, we should be going that way." Alejandro said.

"Oh, OK. Thanks Alejandro." Bridgette said, relieved. "Thanks for not leaving me behind."

"I could never do that." Alejandro said, faking indignation. "Whoever would do that to such a beautiful lady is a monstrous beast."

"Well, tell that to Geoff. One time I fell asleep at a party and he forgot me there when he left." Bridgette groaned. "I had to walk halfway acrossTorontoto get back home."

"He did that?" Alejandro asked, faking shock, since he already knew about the incident. "Though, it was surely a one time lapse in judgment."

"No actually, it was the third time he' done it…and he did it three times more after that." Bridgette said.

"Well…no matter. We have to get going, we can't allow ourselves to remain behind or Chris might leave us. He's capable of that." Alejandro said.

"Yeah." Bridgette giggled.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette – **After what happened in Russia, I had my doubts about Alejandro, but while we were trekking through the woods in Belfast I just couldn't…well, I realized that I was wrong about him. He really is nice.

**Alejandro-**/_Snickers sinisterly_/ All according to plan.

* * *

"This is bad." Courtney groaned.

The brunette had awoken five minutes prior and had spent those whole five minutes thinking of a way out of her predicament. She and her teammate Gwen were on top of a large rock that was balanced on a small stone pillar, but that was slowly tipping over to one side as part of the pillar it was posed on was breaking off. Gwen was unconscious and Courtney had not even tired to wake her up, since she was more concerned with the possibility of falling off the rock.

"Crap." Courtney groaned. "OK, maybe if I take off Gwen's belt I can use it as a sort of rope that I can tie to that low branch over there and then maybe swing the both of us across that relatively large trench and leap to safety on that…AAAAH!"

Courtney screamed as the chunk of the pillar gave away and the rock plummeted downwards, dragging both her and Gwen with it. The girls dropped in freefall until they hit a river below, right where it picked up into the rapids. As Courtney came out to surface, she saw that Gwen was still floating unconscious and, luckily, face up.

"Goddamnit Gwen, how can you still be out cold?" Courtney yelled.

The brunette realized that the goth was not waking up anytime soon and with a groan of discontent she began to swim towards her. Since they were on rapids and Gwen was out of commission, Courtney did not have a hard time catching up with her. She wrapped her arm around the other girl's waist and made sure to hold her vertically so that her head remained above water. Courtney had remained relatively unaware of the cold until then, but now that she was staying still and allowing the current to carry her without moving, she realized just how freezing cold the water was.

Courtney held Gwen tighter for warmth and tried to think of a way to get out of the river. She was thankful that the particular section of the river they were in was deep, since if it had been shallow she could have really bruised and cut herself; however, she also knew that deep section in rivers are brief, so she needed to figure out a way to get to land quickly.

The sides of the river were too high and covered in sharp rocks, so she couldn't just try that and there were no low branches to grab onto. Courtney began to breathe frantically when she realized that there was no way out and that she shallow waters would be coming soon and with them so would the jagged rocks and the immobilizing pain.

Then, it hit. Her leg ran past a lagged rock and she felt the point dig into her skin and give her a cut. She yelped in pain and held the injury with her free hand. She could tell it was not a deep cut, but it would still hurt for a long time. She also knew that it would only get worse from there on in. Another rock hit her, this time on the side of her stomach, but it did not cut, since it wasn't sharp. Then, the rocks simply began to appear everywhere, hitting her everywhere. The legs, the arms, the back, the front; she was being tossed around by the rocks and she was not sure how much longer she could take it when her back slammed into a particularly large rock and she remained there.

Courtney looked behind herself and realized that she'd hit the curve of the river and were against a large boulder. Courtney hoisted Gwen upwards and placed her on the top of the rock, she then climbed up after her. The brunette coughed and wheezed, spitting out all the water that she had swallowed. When she realized that Gwen had still to wake up, the brunette angrily slammed her fist down on her chest, which promptly awakened the goth.

"Uggh! What the? Courtney, what happened? Why are we all wet?" Gwen asked.

"Explosion…huge rock…saved you from drowning…"

Then Courtney blacked out.

* * *

"OK, if I can let go from here and land on that other branch down there, it'll become a drop of just ten meters. Not too much." Noah said.

After the explosion, Noah had awakened on the top of an evergreen tree. He had looked down from the top and had seen Owen and Izzy unconscious on the ground…thirty meters below himself. After three hours of work he had managed to go down most of the way, but found that he had no more branches to go down on and his only choice was leaping down and hoping to land on Owen's soft belly, which would lessen the blow.

"OK, I have to swing myself on top of Owen. I'm gonna need absolute precision." He thought. "OK, start swinging. Now, letting go at once, at twice, at…"

Surely enough, the branch broke and Noah fell through the air, screaming. He missed Owen by a long shot but instead fell on top of Izzy's chest, falling into her cleavage and disappearing between her breasts.

The sensation of something hitting her chest awoke Izzy, who immediately remembered what had happened and giggled. Her mad giggles woke up Owen, who was conditioned by the knowledge that when Izzy giggled near him, something fun was about to happen.

"Ooh, what's up, Izzy?" Owen asked.

"Nothing much, we just flew across the air because of an explosion I accidentally set off and we've been unconscious for the past say five or six hours." Izzy said.

"Cool." Owen replied.

"Wanna make our way toBelfastso we can win the challenge?" Izzy asked.

"Sure." Owen replied.

* * *

Meanwhile, elsewhere…

"What the hell happened?" Noah asked.

He had fallen of a tree branch and had hit Izzy, but then he saw that he was falling down an even bigger height on a different forest. He got off the ground and looked around to spot several strange plants that he'd never seen before and that he was sure didn't exist, since many of them were multicolored and stripe-patterned, hell, some even had shapes that were physically impossible to attain.

Suddenly, he heard something scuttle across the bushes and then leap out in front of him. Much to his surprise, it was a giant, human-sized white rabbit wearing a waistcoat and carrying a large golden pocket watch.

"Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late! I shall be too late for a most important date!" The white rabbit muttered to himself as he ran.

"Oh, I have a bad feeling about this." Noah sighed as he began to follow the white rabbit, hoping to find some answers."

* * *

Courtney slowly opened her eyes slightly. Light crawled in so Courtney's eyes began to flutter and drift from open to closed for a while until she finally managed to hold them open, if only slightly. That was when she first realized that she was pressed against somebody else and that a head was resting against the crook of her chin, a head that was nudging her slightly.

"Duncan…we'll have a quickie in a few minutes, now let me sleep." Courtney muttered almost reflexively.

"What?" Gwen asked, surprised and accidentally dropping Courtney.

As soon as Courtney hit the floor did she realize that she wasn't curdled into bed with her punk boyfriend as she had assumed she was when she briefly awoke, but rather she was (or had been until seconds before) being carried through an Irish forest by her team's resident goth girl.

"I'm sorry, Courtney?" Gwen asked, helping the other girl up by the hand. "Are you OK?"

"What on earth happened?" Courtney asked, dusting herself off.

"You saved me from drowning and then you passed out, so I've been carrying you so we could get out of the woods." Gwen said. "…And, thanks for, you know, saving my life."

"Oh, no problem." Courtney said, relatively awkwardly. "You're my teammate after all, I'm sure you'd have done the same."

"I'm not so sure about that." Gwen muttered to herself, unheard by the brunette.

"OK Gwen, let's move on." Courtney said. "Are you sure we were heading in the right direction?"

"You saidBelfastwas to the north, so I just went towards the left from where the sun was rising, which was the east." Gwen explained.

"Very well, then let's keep going." Courtney said.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **I gotta admit, since Courtney saved my life I really feel guilty. I was actually convinced that if she ever got the chance she'd leave me to die, but not only did she save me, she risked her own life to do so. I feel really guilty about all the things I've said about her and about the whole Duncan thing…not that I like Duncan, no, no, no, just that…you know, my friendship with him caused trouble in their relationship, that stuff, not that I like him because I don't, I don't, I really…don't. I'm gonna stop talking now.

* * *

"Izzy! Wait up!" Owen yelled.

The morbidly obese teenager was running as fast as his chubby legs could take him to catch up with his psychotic girlfriend, who was swinging from tree to tree by some thick vines and was roughly five hundred meters ahead of him.

"But Owen! Waiting is no fun! Life is about swinging through trees!" Izzy screamed fiercely as she kept on swingin'.

The crazy girl flew across the air, performing several flips and tricks that defied the tyrannical laws of the cold-hearted physics dictator Isaac Newton. At one point she flew across a leafy outcrop of a tall oak tree, accidentally coating herself in leaves, small vines, bark, twigs and some bird feathers from old nests. Hitting the outcrop made her lose her balance and caused her to plummet off the tree.

Below, five armed Irish men were riding on a jeep.

"OK, we might have lost those British agent bastards who blew up our base, but we'll find 'em boys." Their leader, a so called O'Brien said in a thick Belfast accent. "Nobody can hide from the IRA."

Suddenly, Izzy fell on top of the car's hood, unharmed but covered in forest residue.

"'Ello, guv'nor." She greeted the IRA members crazily.

"AAAAH!" The IRA men screamed in terror.

"British forest monster!" Another member, a so called McNally screamed.

"The legend is true!" Yet another member, a so called Malloy screamed in a thick Dublin accent.

"Everybody jump out!" A fourth member, a so called Donahue screamed.

And so they did. The IRA members leaped out of the jeep to their left and immediately wished they had jumped out to the right, since there was a large ravine to the left of them. The IRA members rolled down a steep hill and disappeared into a mess of thorn bushes.

Izzy leaped off the jeep before shaking the forest residue off herself the same way a dog dries up, while the jeep continued its course, gradually slowing down and disappearing after crashing through a bunch of bushes.

"Izzy! Izzy! Wait!" Owen screeched as he arrived next to the crazy girl, sweating and panting like he was about to suffer a heart attack (which wasn't all that unlikely).

"Fine Owen, we'll walk for a while…but then it's swingin' time again!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Too…tired…to argue…need…relaxation ham." Owen panted.

The fat guy reached into his shorts and extracted a large ham, which he promptly devoured in one go.

"OK, I feel better now." He said.

* * *

In the depths of Izzy's cleavage, Noah found himself irritated.

"For the seventeenth time, I do not want to hear the Tale of the Walrus and the Carpenter!" Noah yelled at the two identical "things" in front of him.

The two "things" looked human, but their bodies were almost sphere-like with thin limbs that shouldn't be physically able to hold up their fat, round bodies. They had no necks and their heads looked like ovals that were glued to their sphere bodies. They were both wearing very tall yellow pants with striped shirts and striped beanie hats.

"The Walrus and the Carpenter." One said.

"Were walking close at hand." The other said.

"They wept like anything to see." The other said.

"Such quantities of sand." The other said.

"'If this were only cleared away'" The other said.

"They said, 'it would be grand'!" The other said.

"I don't care." Noah muttered.

"'If seven maids with seven mops'" One said.

"'Swept it for half a year'." The other said.

"'Do you suppose', The Walrus said." The other said.

"'That they could get it clear?'." The other said.

"'I doubt it', said The Carpenter." The other said.

"And shed a bitter tear." The other said.

"There is no God." Noah muttered bitterly as he palmed his face in anguish.

* * *

"…And then we just let Jorge back out into the park, where it climbed up a tree and vanished back into its own little world." Alejandro said.

"That is so cute." Bridgette said.

Bridgette and Alejandro had continued their trek through the woods and during the walk, they regaled her with stories about each other. Knowing her particular tastes, Alejandro focused mostly on things related to animals and his supposed love for them, telling her not entirely true stories about his many pets and his work in a local animal shelter.

"Sometimes when I see a squirrel, I think that it might be Jorge and hope that he'll come over so we can have fun again, like back in the days when I was helping to heal his injured paw." Alejandro said, feigning joy. "…But I'm sure he's forgotten me by now."

"Don't say that, I'm sure Jorge remembers you and that he's looking for you too." Bridgette said, placing her hands on Alejandro's shoulders reassuringly.

"Thanks Bridgette, I hope you're right." He said, adding a touch of sadness and hope to his words, which made Bridgette blush.

"I never knew you cared so much about animals." Bridgette said, not noticing her own blush.

"I do." Alejandro said.

Suddenly, a rustling in the leaves made the pair stop and stare as a deer burst out of the nearby brush and began to eat grass off a small patch, not noticing either of them. Bridgette stared at the deer in awe and Alejandro saw a brief, perfect window of opportunity. He began to make a strange animal call, which made the deer raise its head and look at them curiously.

"What are you doing?" Bridgette asked, nervous that the deer might be frightened off.

"Wait. Look." Alejandro said before he kept on making the animal call.

The deer, responding positively to Alejandro's animal call, began to slowly approach the pair, something that amazed Bridgette. In a minute, the deer was next to the two teens. Bridgette slowly reached out and stroked the deer's neck. Carefully, she began to pet the deer and her nervous face wounded down to one of utter relaxation and admiration.

However, that all went to hell when a scream came from the distance and the deer was scared off just before five men came rolling down the steep ravine ahead of the pair, covered in forest residue and thorns. Though initially startled by the appearance of the five men, Bridgette and Alejandro soon approached them.

"Are you OK?" Bridgette asked them as they got up.

"Oh, we are me darling." O'Brien said. "And you two'll be coming with us."

"What?" Bridgette asked.

"You see, we're members of an important revolutionary group and there are three vicious British agents and a forest monster looking for us around here, so we need some hostages." O'Brien explained. "You will be playin' that part."

"If you try to even harm her a single bit, I'll slam you into the next life, amigo." Alejandro threatened, stepping in front of Bridgette with his fists raised up.

Suddenly, all five men pulled out guns. Flynn pulled an Uzi out from his coat, McNally and Malloy pulled out AKs, Donahue pulled out a Lupara and O'Brien pulled out a Beretta 94, which he pointed at Alejandro's head.

"Don't play hero, kid." O'Brien said. "Malloy."

Before Alejandro could react, Malloy slammed the butt of his rifle into the side of Alejandro's head, knocking him out. Bridgette screamed in horror and bolted to Alejandro's side, holding up his unconscious body.

"Alright girlie, don't ya move. Tis'll only hurt fer a second." Malloy said.

Then Malloy struck her on the side of the head with his rifle and then darkness.

* * *

"How much longer do you think it is until we get out of the woods?" Gwen asked.

"No clue, Gwen." Courtney said, rather bitterly. "I'm not familiar enough with the Irish forestland to be able to make an educated guess."

"If only we could find a car, or a bike or anything." Gwen groaned.

"It's not exactly like cars just crash through the bushes when you ask them too." Courtney muttered.

Then, both girls heard something unusual to hear in the middle of a forest. A sudden call of "'ello guv'nor" followed by a scream and a call of "British forest monster! The legend is true! Everybody jump out!". Immediately afterwards, a Warthog jeep crashed through the nearby bushes and came to a halt next to Gwen and Courtney.

"Huh." Gwen muttered. "That's oddly convenient. Do you know how to drive cross country?"

"Gwen, I've driven across forests to get injured campers to hospitals under severe times conditions many times before…in my days as a CIT." Courtney said as she got into the jeep. "This is going to be very easy."

"How many times did you have to drive injured campers through a forest?" Gwen asked, also getting in.

"As many times as bratty little campers pissed me off and got what was coming to them." Courtney explained while she turned the key in the ignition and started the engine. "Now buckle up, we'll have to go very fast if we want to win."

Then, Courtney crashed down on the pedal and the car took off at high speed.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **/_Terrified_/ I'll never ride in the same car with Courtney ever again.

**Courtney-**/_Smiling nostalgically with fondness_/ One of the things that Duncan used to do and that I initially hated was his horridly fast driving, but with time I realized just how thrilling it was to drive absurdly fast. Of course I wouldn't do it on a street; that would be against the law, but whenever Duncan and I went to the beach in his car, we'd take a while to race across the dunes at a hundred miles an hour. /_Sighs happily_/ Nothing quite as thrilling as that.

* * *

"OK gentlemen, as soon as the IRA dickwads come around, we carry out attack plan Omega K-2." Damian instructed.

"Wait, is Omega K-2 setting bombs on their trail and blowing them up when they go over them?" Manny asked.

"No, that's Theta K-2. Omega K-2 is jumping out of the bushes and shooting the living fuck out of them." Damian explained.

"Oh, OK."

The three executive producers had set themselves up behind a set of bushes on a small hill near the IRA's parked helicopter and were awaiting the arrival of their foes to eliminate them as soon as they approached. They had been there for almost twelve hours and were getting tired, but since they were used to lengthy stakeouts to eliminate revolutionary targets, they could handle it.

"_Quiero saber que me pasa. Te pregunto. ¿Qué me pasa? Y no sabes__  
__Que contestarme, porque claro, de seguro te maree._  
_Con mis idas y vueltas, te cansé con mi cámara lenta_  
_Y aunque trato, nunca puedo apurar mi decisión._"

"What is that?" Damian asked, incredibly annoyed by the pop music that was blaring out of an unspecified location.

"My ringtone." Manny admitted, rather embarrassed.

"_En el preciso momento, en que todo va cambiando para mí.__  
__En ese instante, te aseguro que alguna señal te di_  
_Pero no me escuchaste, tal vez sin intención de tu parte._  
_Puede ser te un poco débil el sonido de mi voz._"

"Really? Spanish pop music is your ringtone?" Damian asked sarcastically.

"For your information it's Argentine pop music…and it's really good." Alberti replied.

"OK, just pick up the damn phone before that song drives me to suicide." Damian groaned.

Alberti did as he was told and reached for his phone.

"_¡Oh! ¡Una mañana te veré llegar!__  
__¡Y descubriré que yo, solo ya no estoy mejor!_  
_¡Y, te pediré que me acompañes!_  
_¡A donde en verdad no sé, dime que si, miénteme!_  
_Podría ser que al final. ¡Rompiste el cristal en mí!_  
_¡Podría pasar que me hagas hablar!_  
_¡Yo creo que tienes el don de curar este mal!_"

Alberti picked up his phone and answered.

"DMC Productions. Co-Founder and Executive Board Member Manuel Ignacio Esteban Rodriguez De Alberti speaking." Alberti answered.

"Hello, Mr. Alberti?" A shy voice asked on the other end of the line. "Could I speak with Mr. Hellburn?"

"May I ask who you are?" Alberti asked.

"Oh, of course, sir. I'm Parker Kovak, the woman you hired to manage and produce Total Drama Aftermath." Parker answered **[1].**

"Oh yeah, I remember you. Pale complexion, late-twenties, Eastern European features and a slight propensity for neurotic behavior." Alberti said.

"Yes, that…that would be me." Parker answered.

"Sure, I'll pass you over to Damian." Alberti said.

The producer passed the phone over to his co-worker and this one answered.

"Hello."

"Hello, Mr. Hellburn. This is Parker Kovak, the producer of Total Drama Aftermath." She said. "I have something to tell you. It's a rather important piece of bad news."

Damian was about to ask what the news were, but before he could he heard the noise of people approaching through the brush. People who were speaking in distinctly Northern Irish accents.

"I'll have to call you back later, Miss Kovak." Damian said. "I have more pressing matters to attend to right now. I'll call soon."

"But sir, I…"

Before Parker could continue, Damian hung up and tossed the phone over to Alberti.

"Gentlemen, be prepared." Damian said.

The three producers ducked behind the bushes and they looked through the bushes down the hill towards the parked helicopter on the clearing. From their vantage point they had a slight height advantage to shoot down at the Irish separatists without being easily shot themselves. They also had a pretty clear hearing of what they talked about.

"OK, we'll get on the chopper and head over to the rails. There, we'll board the munitions train and re-direct it towards the drop point, where we offload the cargo and take it so our organization can re-start operations against the British government." O'Brien explained.

"What train was it?" Donahue asked.

"Belfast Freighter 36." Malloy answered.

"Do you think we'll have enough time to offload the cargo?" Flynn asked.

"Yes, they aren't expecting the train inBelfastuntil tomorrow morning." O'Brien answered. "We'll have more than enough time."

"What do we do about the hostages?" McNally asked.

"We'll just dump them off the side of the train once we take it over." O'Brien answered. "They'll be hurt but I doubt they'll get killed."

The five separatists came into view. Malloy and Flynn were carrying two large, heavy-looking sacks and O'Brien, McNally and Donahue were carrying AKs. As soon as they were within range, Damian uttered the secret codeword that gave his associates the signal to fire.

"Lesfuckingkillem!" He screamed.

Immediately, all three producers burst out of the bushes and opened fire. The shots tore towards the IRA members and though most of them missed, Carter easily landed five shots on Donahue's chest, killing him immediately. The rest began to run away.

"Boss, where do we go?" Malloy screamed.

"To the Warthog jeep, we can take the train from the side! Now, just run!" O'Brien screamed.

The IRA men ran and got a long distance between them and the producers before the producers could make it to the bottom of the hill to keep firing at them. As soon as they got to the bottom, Carter managed to put a single bullet in the back of McNally's head, killing him as well and Damian and Manuel both got to shoot Flynn in the ass. Unfortunately for the producers, the IRA men managed to hide themselves in the brush and the trees, getting away from them quickly.

"Damn! They got away!" Manuel yelled.

"Let's get back to the Black Hawk; we can get them from the air!" Damian instructed.

"In the forest?" Alberti asked.

"No, dumbfuck! Didn't you hear what they said? They'll try to take the freighter from their car! If we can catch up with that train, we'll catch up with those bastards and bring them down once and for all." Damian explained.

"OK."

* * *

The sun was beginning to set as the Belfast Freighter 36 departed from the station. It had made its final stop to re-fuel before it continued on an all-night trip straight toBelfast. It was during this pit stop that Izzy and Owen managed to get onboard the roof of the train. Owen had insisted that one of the cargo holds might have been better, but Izzy (being Izzy) simply ignored him and threw him on top the roof before somehow cartwheeling vertically up the train wall and onto the roof.

In order pass the time, Izzy suggested they play a round of a game she called "Extreme I Spy". Owen agreed, though he came to regret it almost immediately.

"OH GOD, WHY?" Owen screamed in terror. "HOLY MOTHER OFIRELAND, WHY-Y-Y?"

"Come on Owen, I spy with my little eye something that's green." Izzy repeated. "Don't make me let go of you."

Izzy repeated her clue about spying something green yet again while she held Owen upside down, holding him by the ankles and suspending him over the edge of the train. Owen screamed yet again just as he dodged an oncoming milestone that nearly hit his head as the train rushed past it.

"I DON'T KNOW! IS IT THE GRASS?" He asked, crying.

"Yes!"

Immediately, Izzy pulled Owen back up onto the roof, who immediately huddled himself and shrunk into a fetal position while he shook and sucked on his thumb.

"Oh, Big O is tired?" Izzy asked in a cutesy voice. "OK, we can go to bed early."

The redhead cuddled up with Owen and rested her head against his shoulder, letting the violent vibrations of his terrified form rock her to sleep.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **I really like Izzy, since she's very fun and stuff but sometimes when I hang out with her, I really get scared she might kill me. In fact, most of the time we hang out it ends with me hanging upside down from somewhere really tall or really fast. I didn't really notice that until now…

* * *

Back inside God knows where, Noah had been going into a near panic when he stumbled upon a very helpful creature.

"You know, I just about thought I was going to go as insane as Izzy when I found you." Noah said, relaxed. "Pass me the hookah."

The Caterpillar passed Noah one of the hookah's breathing tubes, from which Noah promptly took a drag of the strange smoke that he and the Caterpillar were smoking while sitting atop his mushroom. Needless to say, both were quite high.

"I…knOw….whAt…yOU…mEAn." The Caterpillar said, highlighting the vowels of each word and breathing out puffs of smoke shaped like those letters when he said them.

"Hey, how do you do that letter smoke thing?" Noah asked.

"It's…A…mEdical…disOrder." The Caterpillar answered.

"Oh, sorry."

The Caterpillar shrugged it off.

"Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be asking you directions." Noah remembered. "Do you know how I can get out of this kooky dimension?"

The Caterpillar put down his hookah tube.

"No." The Caterpillar spoke with aManchesteraccent now that he wasn't smoking. "But I'm sure my friendCheshiredoes. You'll find him in the woods down thatYellow Brick Road."

"Thanks, man." Noah said. "I'll go as soon as I come down. This is some powerful stuff."

* * *

Near the train tracks, a Warthog Jeep tore across the open Irish countryside, riding near the Belfast Freighter railways. Driving it was Flynn, sitting shotgun was O'Brien and on the back seat was Malloy. The latter two were armed with AKs and ready for bloodshed. On the open case trunk of the Jeep were two sacks, inside which were Alejandro and Bridgette.

"OK boys, we're going to take that train and we're going to drive it straight to Command so we can use the ammo and restart our independence campaign so that Donahue and McNally will not have died for nothing!" O'Brien howled, almost breaking down into tears.

"Boss, ya can't really blame yu'rself for McNally and Donahue's dea…" Malloy started.

"Don't say it, Malloy! Goddamnit, don't say it!" O'Brien yelled. "Let's just do this."

The tension in the Jeep was great, so Flynn tried to cut it.

"I wonder why they call this thing a 'Warthog Jeep'." Flynn commented.

"It's really called an M12 LRV Jeep. Warthog is just a nickname it got because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation." O'Brien answered.

"Yeah, but why Warthog? It doesn't look at all like a pig. It looks more like a puma." Flynn remarked.

"Flynn, what the hell is a puma?" O'Brien asked.

"Ya mean like the shoe company?" Malloy asked.

"No, like a puma. It's like a big cat, like a lion." Flynn answered.

"You're making that up." O'Brien said.

"I'm telling you, it's a real animal." Flynn said.

"Malloy, I want you to poison Flynn's next meal." O'Brien instructed.

"Yes, sir!" Malloy said, merrily.

"Now stop making up animals!" O'Brien yelled.

"I still think it looks nothing like a warthog." Flynn said.

"Look Flynn." O'Brien said. "The Jeep has two tow hooks at the front, which look like tusks. Now, what kind of animal has tusks?"

"A walrus." Flynn answered bitterly.

"Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?" O'Brien yelled.

"The train!" Malloy yelled, pointing towards the train, which was only slightly ahead of them.

After a few minutes, Flynn managed to even the Jeep with the train and held the car's position next to a ladder that climbed up to the roof of the train.

"Malloy, go in first. I'll follow you." O'Brien instructed.

Malloy nodded and carefully leapt onto the ladder at the side of a train car. With his AK hanging from his back by a strap, he began to climb up until he was on the roof. After Flynn made it to the top, O'Brien leaped onto the ladder as well and shouted to Flynn from it.

"OK Flynn, wait until we stop the train so you can get on board." O'Brien said.

"Yes sir."

"Oh, and make sure to keep the 'puma' on par with the train, OK?" O'Brien mocked.

Flynn laughed bitterly and sardonically at his boss before muttering a swear at him in Gaelic. O'Brien climbed up the short ladder, but stopped midway as he saw Malloy getting thrown off the train roof and across a great stretch of land into a nearby river, which carried him off because of its heavy current.

"What the?" O'Brien yelled.

Immediately, the RIRA squad leader climbed to the top of the train to see what had thrown Malloy of the same and was surprised to find only a small, redhead teen girl.

"OK girl, you're going to get out of my way or I'm going to get very mad." O'Brien threatened, holding up his AK.

Upon not hearing a response, O'Brien began to get tense and made the mistake of blinking. In the split second in which his lids were slammed hut to refresh his eyeballs, Izzy disappeared from his line of sight. Immediately, however, she appeared from behind when she sweep kicked O'Brien to the group before tearing the AK from its straps and throwing it off the train. O'Brien got on his feet, but was knocked down soon after when Izzy leaped into the air and bicycle kicked him six times; after which she hoisted him up onto her shoulders and after spinning around a couple of times, she threw him off the train and into the same river that she had previously thrown Malloy into.

When he noticed that his boss had been thrown into the river as well, Flynn did what any loyal follower would do and decided to hightail it out of there.

"I'm gone!" He shouted to himself as he began to speed away from the train. "The IRA didn't even pay well and in this economy I need a steady income. Anyway, I'm safe as long as I have these hostages."

Flynn looked through the rearview mirror to see the two sacks where Bridgette and Alejandro had previously been in were now empty and slumped over the back of the backseat.

"Ah, crap! Could this day get any worse?" He yelled.

At that point, a Black Hawk helicopter appeared behind him in the sky. The dark helicopter was plainly noticeable in contrast with the orange sunset sky.

"Hey asshole!" Damian shouted from the helicopter. "Here's a treat for ya! Carter, finish him! Goddamnit!"

Carter Denham emerged from a side of the helicopter, holding up a large rocket launcher and pointing it at Flynn's jeep. He fired a rocket and it went straight towards the Warthog.

"Oh shi…"

Then the Warthog Jeep blew up, killing Flynn immediately.

"Alright boys, a job well done." Damian said. "Let's head home."

"Damian, we're inIreland." Manuel pointed out.

"Well then let's get to a goddamn pub! I need some booze!" Damian exclaimed.

However, unbeknownst to the producers, they had a couple of stowaways on their chopper. Well, more like under their chopper than on, since Izzy had leaped onto the helicopter and held onto one of the landing braces with her right arm while holding up a sleeping Owen with her left hand. The chopper began to fly towardsBelfast, flying slightly lower and slower than before due to the extra weight.

* * *

On board one of the freighter train's cargo carts, Alejandro and Bridgette finally got some rest. Both the contestants were slumped over the large crates and sacks that were stacked on the cart and were breathing heavily, trying to catch their long lost breaths. Both of them had woken up inside the sacks on the back of the Warthog and when Alejandro noticed they were near a train, he used the spurs on his boots to rip open his sack and crawl out. He released Bridgette as well and when the IRA men were distracted with boarding the train they leaped onto the side of one of the open carts and climbed aboard.

"Jesus Christ!" Alejandro exclaimed.

A very shaken up Bridgette bolted for Alejandro and hugged onto him tightly while she began to cry.

"Bridgette, are you OK?" He asked, worried.

"Yes, I am. Thanks to you." Bridgette said, in tears. "You saved my life, Al. Those crooks were going to kill us and you defended me! I've never been so scared in my whole life!"

Alejandro stared down at the crying Bridgette, who was sobbing into his chest and grinned wickedly before smiling tenderly and hugging her.

"Don't worry Bridgette and you don't have to thank me. I only did what any gentleman would do. I couldn't let those terrorists hurt you." Alejandro said.

"You're so nice, Al." Bridgette sobbed.

"I only did what any good man would have done." Alejandro said.

Then, an infamous bell chime.

"What?"

"It's song time, kiddies! Chris yelled from his chopper.

Alejandro and Bridgette stared out of the open train cart and saw Chef and Chris flying low on their helicopter.

"It took us almost a whole day to find you, but now that we have we want a good solo song from you, Alejandro." Chris said through his megaphone. "…And it better be about all that heroic gentleman stuff you said just now. That's gonna be awesome if we put it on the show's soundtrack."

"Excuse me, we were having a tender moment here." Alejandro yelled.

"I don't hear singing!" Chris exclaimed.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro-**/_Frustrated_/ Chris has a clearly marked, annoying tendency to ruin everything and this annoying tendency becomes an infuriating one when what he ruins are my genius plans to get my victory.

* * *

A soft yet inspiring piano melody began to play and Alejandro stood tall and straight, looking at the sunset in the horizon with heroic determination as he began to sing with a dramatic tenor voice.

"**When tyranny crushes, the freedom of many****  
****I will be there.**  
**When hatred clouds, the judgment of any.**  
**I will be there.**  
**When war has torn, the peace from the living.**  
**I will be there.**"

Bridgette leaned over a nearby crate and stared at Alejandro, entranced. She was utterly charmed by his beautiful voice and by the heroics of his song, which she believed to be heartfelt and true due to what he'd done when faced with the IRA men. As the song went into the next stanza, it began to gain momentum.

"**When anger reigns, over the foolish****  
****I will be there.**  
**When the dark has turned, reality boorish.**  
**I will be there.**  
**When evil has won and thinks that it's thriving.**  
**I will be theeeeeeeere!**"

The melody of the song changed to a much more up-tempo one, with a faster rhythm and on a higher key.

"**When the wicked lurch and roam the land****  
****I will chase them and drive them to sorroooow!**  
**I will fight 'til the hour of victory's at hand**  
**And evil won't live to see tomorrooooooow!**  
**With bravery and courage inside my heart**  
**I will cleanse my soul of temptatioooooon!**  
**If we believe in truth and good from the start**  
**We'll beat evil and reach salvatioooooooon!**"

Then the tempo slowed down again and the melody switched once more to a softer, but more flowing one that gradually gained momentum.

"**And the world, though poisoned inside****  
****Is still good, as the dark will subside**  
**And though evil, still seems to prevail**  
**One brave man, will ensure it'll fail**  
**As he fights, with his hand clutched to knife**  
**Striving, to reach eternal glory!**  
**Striviiiiiiiiiiiiing, to reach a saintly liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife!**"

As Alejandro finished his climactic, Bridgette began to clap passionately.

"That was beautiful, Alejandro!" She cheered, moved and amazed.

"Meh, I've heard better." Chris said. "That song was obviously a rip off from 'The Impossible Dream' from the musical 'Man Of La Mancha' as performed in 1965 by Richard Kiley."

"You sure seem to know a lot 'bout musicals, Chris." Chef said, slyly.

"I'm not gay, OK?" Chris groaned. "You've made that joke for two seasons straight now and I'm starting to get sick."

"You're startin' to get sick of me doin' something straight for two seasons? Well Chris, that must mean you don't like straight things; so I'm guess you like…"

"Shut it!" Chris groaned.

Chef laughed mockingly as he flew the helicopter upwards, gaining height so as to better supervise the area to find the rest of the contestants.

"I still think it was brilliant and so honest. Maybe even humble." Bridgette said.

"Oh, don't flatter me, Bridgette." Alejandro said, feigning humility. "You are too kind, someday somebody might just take advantage of that."

"I'm not that naïve, Alejandro." Bridgette said. "I know when somebody's trying to use me."

"If you say so." Alejandro said, holding back a snicker. "Now, let's not think about bad people and manipulation. Let's just rest. The Ira psychos said this train will arrive inBelfasttomorrow morning, so we have time to wind down after this horrible situation."

Bridgette nodded and made herself comfortable on some sacks of what appeared to be gunpowder. Sensing she might be uncomfortable, Alejandro stepped up.

"Would you prefer to lie your head down on my chest? I wouldn't mind and I figure it's much more comfortable than those sacks." Alejandro offered.

"Are you sure it wouldn't be a bother?"

"It would be an honor."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette – **/_Swooning and blushing_/ He is such a gentleman. I've never met such a nice guy in my whole life. I mean, nobody's ever treated me with such kindness and respect without asking for anything in return before…/_Her expression suddenly changes to a confused and saddened one_/not even Geoff.

**Alejandro – **I've never met a girl so easy to charm and trick I my whole life. Not even Lindsay was that easy to charm, and she was pretty easy to charm. The whole "dumb blonde" thing must have some truth to it.

* * *

"Making oddly sarcastic remarks without being invited is _very very _rude." The Hatter said.

"Very rude indeed." The Hare added.

"I get it, everything is rude indeed." Noah groaned. "Sitting down, serving myself tea, throwing a plate at your face, everything."

Noah was sitting down on a large, gilded chair at the head of a table littered with tea cups, tea pots, tea plates and everything related to tea. The only thing not related to tea on the table was a clock, which had the number six at every dash in its face. Though technically even that was related to tea, since six o'clock is tea time.

There were two other figures sitting at the table. One was a large headed man with messy grey hair, who wore a fancy butt oddly-colored purple Victorian suit and an oversized hat with a tag that read "In this style 10/6". The other figure was giant hare dressed in a suit similar to the Hatter's but colored red instead of purple and wearing some strands of straw tied around its ears and forehead.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" The Hatter asked Noah spontaneously.

"Well…"

"CHANGE PLACES!" The Hatter screamed.

Immediately the Hare and the Hatter leaped off their seats and bolted around the table, knocking Noah off his chair and taking new positions in a few seconds before returning to their previous demeanor.

"I always find men fromManchesterto behave like women fromCornwall. It is curious." The Hatter said.

"I do agree, but I always found it more likely for men fromManchesterto behave like children fromSussex, who in turn behave as horses fromGloucesterand which are in demeanor very similar to rocking chairs fromSuffolk." The Hare said.

"Oh, how deliciously satirical!" The Hatter exclaimed.

"I know, I'm just dastardly, aren't I?" The Hare exclaimed.

"The damn grinning cat told me this was the way out. Well, figures it would happen for trusting the words of a grin without a cat." Noah muttered.

"Would you like some tea?" The Hare asked Noah, handing him a full cup of tea.

"Well, it would be nice." Noah said.

As Noah reached for the cup, the Hare pulled it away.

"Then let me pour you some." The Hare said as he pulled the up away.

The Hare picked up a tea pot and began to pour excess tea into the cup, causing the tea to spill over the sides of the cup and onto the table mantle.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" The Hatter asked Noah again.

"Because Edgar Allan Por wrote on both." Noah answered.

The Hare and the Hatter stopped their activities and just looked at him.

"Well, I personally didn't know the answer but that one is very good." The Hatter exclaimed. "The exit is down that road, you'll have to talk to the Queen of Hearts first, but I'm sure she'll let you out without any problems."

"Thanks." Noah said bitterly as he walked away.

He was certain by now that it wouldn't be as easy as the Hatter described.

* * *

Night fell over the Northern Irish countryside and the hard-working Irish people went out for drinks. Courtney and Gwen however, decided to make a pit stop and sleep for a couple of hours before continuing their journey, figuring that none of the contestants was going to be travelling during the night anyway,

The girls stopped their jeep on the side of the road and made a small fire with a fire making kit in the back of the car. Over the fire they cooked some of the packed canned meat rations they also found in the back of the car. While they ate, the girls shared some pleasant conversation.

"Other than being shallow and absolutely annoying, I find that Miley Cyrus also distracts proper young teens from more important things with her cheesy music." Courtney said.

"Courtney, I never thought I'd say this, but you're completely right." Gwen said.

Both girls started talking and tried to find some common ground, which turned out to be their dislike of mainstream culture, albeit for completely different reasons. Courtney hated it because she thought it was shallow and distracting, Gwen hated it because…well, she was a goth…duh. Do I really need to explain?

"I always figured she never even sings her own songs." Gwen said. "I bet she uses autotune or some of that stuff."

"Nah, her voice is real. She can sing well, too bad she sings all the superfluous Disney stuff." Courtney groaned. "Whatever happened to good music, the type that had a message about important, meaningful things?"

"Like what?" Gwen asked. "Nine Inch Nails?"

"No. Bands like Queen, which mixed beautiful music with meaningful lyrics about emotions, politics and humanity." Courtney answered.

"You like Queen?" Gwen asked, disbelieving.

"I didn't really care for them untilDuncanmade me listen to all his music." Courtney said. "I didn't like most of it, but Queen just struck a chord with me. Appropriately."

"SoDuncanintroduced you to a lot of new stuff, huh?" Gwen asked, curious.

"Yes." Courtney admitted, half begrudgingly. "I'm going to tell you something that I haven't really told anyone and I'm only telling you this because I'm pretty sure we're not being filmed right now so don't tell it to anyone else."

"Speak up, Court."

"Huh…I really have to thankDuncanfor a lot. I owe him a lot. He showed me a lot of stuff and really opened up my mind to new possibilities." Courtney said. "…And well, I really feel sorry for the way I treat him a lot of the time. You know, how I'm very jealous and overprotective. I just do it because I know that even though he's good, he's still a lecherous guy and I'm afraid he might leave me for somebody who's more…well, more like him. I really care for him and I don't want to lose him, but I always feel like he's going to just chase after some piece of tail and leave me when I'm not watching over him."

Gwen was simply stunned that Courtney. Miss "Distant and Emotionally Defensive" Courtney was actually being so honest with her. It made her feel sympathetic and at the same time very, very guilty.

"Look Courtney, I knowDuncan. I know him very well and I doubt he'd leave you like that." Gwen said. "He'd never leave you because you're…well, your uptight self; but he might leave you if you keep being so jealous and strict, so you should try to stop doing that. If you do, then you're golden. He'll be with you like a dog is with his owner."

"You think?"

"Yeah."

Courtney thought on it for a second and the smiled. Then she closed her eyes, sighed and looked at Gwen with seriousness and regret.

"Gwen, I'm sorry for how awfully I treated you last season." Courtney said.

Gwen was taken aback. The last thing she thought Courtney would ever do was apologize to her and the fact that she'd done it blew her mind.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen-**/_Shocked_/ Courtney apologized to me. Courtney…apologized…to me. I just can't believe that happened. I guess she's really changing for the best, since the Courtney I thought I knew would have never apologized, much less to me. Maybe she's been replaced with one of those alien pod people. It actually seems more likely for that to happen than for Courtney to have apologized. Seriously, it's just mind blowing.

**Courtney-**/_Looking down at her feet, almost shamefully_/ Apologizing to Gwen was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I had to do it. I was so cruel to her and I did it for no good reason. What I did was…/_Speaking with effort_/ Wrong.

* * *

"I know now that you'd never try to takeDuncanway from me. I didn't know you back then and I felt threatened, but now I do know you, at least a little bit, and you're definitely not the kind of girl who'd do that." Courtney said, clearly with effort. "I'm really sorry that I was so prejudiced. I really regret it."

Gwen's own guilt just kept on crashing down on her.

"Courtney, you don't have to apologize so much. It's OK." The goth replied. "I forgive you."

"Thank you." Courtney said.

The two girls sat in silence for a moment before Gwen spoke again.

"Courtney, have you ever felt something…not love, but just something…a very strange, very wrong emotion towards a person that you should feel anything for?" Gwen asked.

Then, Courtney's expression became pale, surprised and shamed.

"Gwen, I know what you're going to say and yes I know what you mean, but you can't do it because it's wrong." Courtney said. "I know you think you like it and you feel really attracted to them, especially when they're wearing low cut dresses and bikinis but you just can't because it's wrong. You have to keep down those strange thoughts and remember that you also feel the same way about guys and…"

"Courtney!" Gwen interrupted.

"What?"

"I wasn't talking about that at all. At all." Gwen said. "And if what you were talking about is what I think you were talking about, then please stop talking about it to me."

"Oh…" Courtney said, blushing in shame. "Just forget everything I just said."

"I'll try."

"Then…what is it that you were talking about?" Courtney said, trying to change the subject.

"Never mind." Gwen concluded.

* * *

"You could have given us better directions!" Heather yelled at Chris.

Outside a small pub on the outskirts ofBelfast, almost all the contestants angrily (or in some cases slightly irritated) gathered around Chris. All were present save for Noah.

"Well, I didn't think about it." Chris defended himself.

It was the late afternoon of the following day, approximately six o'clock. Most of the contestants had arrived toBelfastearlier that morning but spent hours looking for Chris and Chef, who hadn't given them directions. Luckily, most of the contestants could ask the locals for direction in reference to "a big, murderous looking black army man and a perhaps gay TV host riding around in a chopper".

"It was hard enough that we had to get here on our own, but we also had to find you in a whole city!" Heather yelled.

"How did you even get here?" Gwen asked.

"Long story." Cody said.

* * *

**(Flashback)**

"The only reason I'm letting you come with me is because you're on my team, you know." Heather said. "If it were up to me I'd kick your goods and leave you aching on the side of the damn road."

"Gee, thanks." Cody said, sarcastically.

Heather and Cody were walking down a deserted Irish country road, having just left the forest hours earlier and needing to find their way toBelfast. After almost half an hour of walking down the road, a car began to speed towards them.

"Great, let's hitchhike!" Cody said.

The two teens stood at the side of the road and made the hitchhiking signal to attract the driver's attention, but he merely drove past them. Though it seemed like they would have to walk again, an angry Heather came up with a solution. She faced the departing car and lifted up her top. Immediately, the car stopped. The two teens walked over to the car.

"Hey girl, want a ride?" The guy in the driver's seat said to Heather after she stepped in front of the open driver's window.

The guy was clearly a sleazy American tourist.

However, instead of accepting that ride, Heather simply punched the driver in the face, knocking him out. She opened the door and threw the unconscious man out before climbing inside and getting behind the wheel.

"Get in!" She told the stunned Cody, who promptly obeyed.

* * *

"Well, regardless of what kind of pain and humiliation you had to endure because I didn't want to give you an address, I think we're all ready to continue with the show." Chris said.

"But Noah isn't here." Owen complained.

"Where is the little pipsqueak?" Heather asked, bitterly.

At the back of the crowd, Izzy's breasts began to vibrate and shake violently (which went unnoticed by everybody, including Izzy herself). Suddenly, Noah erupted from within her cleavage and landed on the pavement wearing a jeweled crown, a purple cape and holding a ruby-topped scepter.

"Oh hey Noah!" Izzy exclaimed upon seeing her friend appear out of 'nowhere' and making everyone's attention turn to him. "Where have you been?"

"I have no idea." Noah replied. "…But wherever it was, I am now their king."

"Good, now that everybody is here we can go on." Chris said. "Since Noah was the last to arrive and he's from Team Chris, they won't participate in the final challenge."

"Does that mean one of them gets eliminated?" Asked a hopeful Courtney.

"Please be Alejandro. Please be Alejandro. Please be Alejandro." Heather muttered, also hopeful.

"Worried that I might charm you, querida?" Alejandro asked with ironic charm.

"Shut up." Heather snapped.

"No, none of them gets eliminated since this is a reward challenge." Chris said.

Team Chris cheered while Team Amazon groaned.

"Now, Chef please take Team Chris to the Jumbo Jet while I watch over Team Victory and Team Amazon in the second challenge." Chris instructed.

"OK Chris. You heard him! Move it, maggots!" Chef yelled at Team Chris, making the scatter off.

"Alright, let's go into the pub so I can explain the second challenge." Chris said.

"Why do we need to be inside a pub for the second challenge?" DJ asked.

"Glad you asked…"

* * *

"For the second challenge, children, you will engage in a traditional Irish activity…a drinking contest!" Chris exclaimed.

"What?"

The pub was empty save for Chris and the contestants, since it had been rented out for the show. It was a stereotypical Irish pub, with the bar, the wooden stools, chairs and tables, the paraphernalia signs, the dart board, the pool table and the decorative taps all where you'd expect them to be.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – /**_Outraged_**/**A drinking contest? Seriously? Is Chris aware of the existence of the word "law"? Because if he is he isn't showing it! I will not drink a single drop of alcohol until I am twenty-one, I made that clear toDuncan and I'll make it clear to Chris.

**Gwen – **I have nothing against getting wasted, my friends back home will tell you that…but to do it on TV, with my mom likely watching…She knows I drink every now and then, but there's a difference between knowing and seeing. I learnt that the hard way when in my eighth grade science frog dissection class.

**DJ – **I ain't gonna drink, even if it means I forfeit the challenge. My momma wouldn't approve and if my momma doesn't approve of somethin', then I am not doin' it.

**Bridgette – **I've never really drunk much. I mean, if had a little to drink at Geoff's parties but he respect me enough to let me stay mostly sober. So having to participate in a drinking contest is a little bit unnerving for me.

**Heather – **There are many challenges where I have been able to put my talents to good use, but Chris just gave me the victory on a silver platter. I can hold back any amount of any illegal drink, pill, powder, plant…/_Cut to static, listing of illegal products goes on for twenty-five minutes flat_/.

* * *

"I am not participating in a drinking contest!" Courtney yelled.

"Oh, don't worry, you squares." Chris said.

"Squares?" Gwen asked, holding back laughter. "I'm sorry, does this pub exist in a separate universe where it's always 1956?"

"Anyway…You won't be drinking actual alcohol." Chris said. "It's non-alcoholic beer with a special additive chemical that makes you dizzy for a few minutes like alcohol would so that we know when you've lost, but it's not real alcohol and it's not bad for your health."

"Really?" Bridgette, Courtney and Cody asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, that's a relief." Bridgette said.

* * *

**(Cockpit confessional)**

**Chris – **Actually, it was real beer. We just didn't tell them so. It's not like it's illegal anyway, the legal drinking age inIreland is 12.

* * *

The two teams sat at a large wooden table. At the far left side was Gwen, then to her right was Heather, then Courtney, then Cody, then DJ, then Lindsay and on the far right was Bridgette. Chef walked past the table, serving each teenager a tall mug of supposed non-alcoholic beer with a dizzying chemical additive (actually beer).

"Alright kids, here's how it's gonna go down." Chris said. "Each one of you is going to drink down these 'beers' as fast as you can and the one who manages to hold down the most will win. Clear?"

The contestants nodded.

"OK. Go!"

The contestants picked up their mugs and when Chris blew hi whistle, they begun to chug down. As soon as they were done with their first drinks, DJ hiccupped and fell backwards off his bench, absolutely drunk.

"Wow, I've never seen anyone with such low alcohol tolerance." Chris said.

"I thought you said this was non-alcoholic." Bridgette remarked.

"It's sort-of like alcohol." Chris said, nervous. "Anyway, looks like DJ is out. Which is surprising considering that he's so big. Seriously, you'd think somebody with such body mass would be able to hold out longer."

The rest of the contestants (save for Heather and Lindsay), who were not big on drinking, took the drink rather harshly and coughed heavily at the taste of the bitter beer.

Chef walked past the table and served the second round. This time around, the contestants drank slowly, except for Heather and Lindsay, who were able to hold down their drinks a lot better.

"Another." Heather exclaimed while the rest were only halfway through their second drinks.

Lindsay soon followed with a similar request and by the time that both of them were asking for their fourth drink, the rest asked for their third.

"How do they do that?" Courtney asked.

"Experience, rookie." Heather teased as she began to chug down the fourth drink.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – **Normally I would disapprove of Heather's licentious and promiscuous behaviors, but now that they're helping us win I have to say that I'm impressed.

**Gwen – **This is one of those things that make me both hate and feel sorry for Heather. She drinks like a skank and feels proud of it, which just pisses me off; but at the same time, I'm pretty sure she acts like that because her parents messed her up bad, which makes me feel sorry for her. The fact that she makes me feel sorry for her just makes me hate that b/_bleep_/ch even more.

**Lindsay-**/_Slightly drunk_/ You know, I've always wanted to see the other girls from this show let loose and have a little fun and finally, I got to! Yay! They're so much nicer when they're letting looser!

**Bridgette-**/_Very drunk_/ This sucks. I mean, I want him. He's so nice and so hot, but Geoff, oh my God, Geoff! He's so nice too! S/_bleep_/t!

* * *

Five minutes later, Cody had already reached his limit at the sixth rink and all the remaining girls except for Heather were very much drunk. Courtney was on her sixth drink, Gwen was on her eighth, Bridgette was on her fifth, Lindsay was on her tenth and Heather was on her twelfth.

"Give me another!" Courtney screamed, anxious and angry. "I will not let that blonde bimbo beat me!"

"Calm down Court." Gwen said, sloppy and sort of sad. "We're still gonna win, Heather's on lead."

"I'm still not gonna let that bimbo beat me!" Courtney yelled.

"Who's Carrie talking about?" Lindsay asked, dizzy and giggly. "The only two blondes here are me and you Brianna and we're not bimbos, right?"

"Not in the mood, Linds." Bridgette said, bitter as she finished her drink. "Next round."

Chef served Courtney and Bridgette their drinks. Both begun to drink and promptly didn't make it to the end before blowing chunks.

"Ha, Carrie and Brianna puked!" Lindsay laughed. "They're so icky!"

"Shut up!" Courtney yelled, throwing her mug at Lindsay but missing by inches.

"OK Chef, take them away." Chris instructed.

Immediately, he had to dodge the mug that Courtney threw at him.

"…And be especially careful with that one." He said.

Only Heather, Gwen and Lindsay were left and Heather wasn't showing any signs of even being tipsy. As Gwen finished her ninth drink, her miserable drunk state just got worse.

"I just hope he doesn't see me like this." Gwen muttered to herself.

"Hope who doesn't see you like this?" Heather asked mockingly. "A certain punk boy, maybe?"

"No, why would I care howDuncanwould see me?" Gwen asked, rhetorical and defensive yet speaking slurred. "I meant my mom."

"You said 'he'." Heather replied.

"I meant 'she'. I'm so drunk, I can't even talk well." She said, ironically not pronouncing all the words quite right.

"Sure."

"Want another drink, gruesome?" Chef asked, sarcastic.

Gwen tried to answer but found that all she could do was throw up.

"…And she's out." Chris said. "Only two left."

"Yay!" Lindsay yelled. "I'm winning!"

Then, she raised her glass to chug but accidentally bonked herself in the head with her glass, knocking herself off her bench and falling to the floor, unconscious.

"No, you're not." Heather said, now slightly drunk.

"Team Amazon wins!" Chris proclaimed.

"Great, now can I go to the bathroom?" Heather asked. "I'm holding back a lot of booze and if I don't let go of it I'm going to actually start feeling drunk."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **After a lot of drinking I've learnt how to make the alcohol skip through my liver and go straight to my bladder so that I only feel the good effects. Unfortunately, I have to use the bathroom for ten minutes straight afterwards. Which reminds me…/_She picks up some toilet paper and uses it to cover the camera, however, the sound is still on_/…much better.

* * *

"You know, I've always thought you were really hot, Gwen." Cody said. "Have I ever told you that?"

"A million times, Cody." Gwen said.

The victorious Team Amazon was in their movie room. Heather was trying to put on a movie, being the only one who was sober, while the rest of the team drunkenly tried (and often failed) to not fall over/puke/burp/make an ass out of themselves.

"Hey Cody, out of the way, I'm talking to Gwen now!" Courtney exclaimed, shoving Cody off the couch.

"Hey Court, wassup?" Gwen asked.

"Back during Total Drama Action, I wondered whatDuncansaw in you when I thought he was into you and I just couldn't see what. Now, however, I do. I really do." Courtney muttered drunkenly. "I mean, why wouldn't he? You're so nice. You're too nice. I was absolutely cruel to you all throughout the season and you were always trying to be good and make peace. Plus, you're so hot; with that hair, those lips…and that butt."

"Courtney, please stop talking." Gwen said.

"You're right…forget what I just said! I didn't say it! I'm not at all attracted to your totally hot butt. Damn it! Forget I said that!" Courtney said.

"I'll try my absolute best." Gwen said, a little freaked.

"Can we still be friends?" Courtney asked.

"Sure…" Gwen said.

"Best friends?"

Gwen hesitated for a second, but then smiled.

"Sure."

* * *

In the cargo deck, Alejandro was sitting under the light of a candle he'd found…studying Bridgette's dossier once more.

"OK, so Geoff forgot her birthday and their one year dating anniversary. That's something I can bring up to push the score towards me." He muttered to himself.

He had been reading the dossier for the better part of half an hour before he heard the drunken trudging of somebody knocking over a nearby box of metal utensils and the cursing in a familiar female voice.

"Damn it!" Bridgette yelled upon knocking over the utensil crate.

"Bridgette?" Alejandro exclaimed in surprise, hiding the dossier.

The blonde stumbled into sight, still drunk from the last challenge.

"Are you OK?" He asked, actually concerned by her current unusual state.

"Yeah, I'm just dizzy from this special non-alcoholic beer with a chemical or something that Chris gave us for a drinking challenge contest or something." Bridgette slurred out.

"What?"

"Doesn't matter." Bridgette said angrily. "What matters is that I'm mad at you."

"What? Why?"

"Because you're confusing me so much!" Bridgette yelled. "I love Geoff, I love him, I love him…but you're so nice and so handsome and he hasn't been nice in a while. Always forgetting about me and only caring about his parties and you're confusing me because you're making me think that maybe I don't love him so much, but I do, I do, I do!"

"Bridgette calm down." Alejandro said soothingly, steadying her by the shoulders. "If I am making you feel so bad I'll just back away. In truth, I have some feelings for you but if you do love Geoff, then I will not tear you apart form him."

"Really?"

"Yes, I want you to be happy."

Then, the inebriated Bridgette kissed him. It was rather sloppy, since she was drunk but it felt good for both of them…though for very different reasons.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette-**/_Sober and remorseful, groaning_/ I am so confused…

* * *

"Looks like Bridgette has gotten into some trouble. Will she decide to stick by her man or will she find new love? Will she be on board long enough to make this decision? Who will be the next one not to be on board? Who will remain on board the longest? Find the answers to these repetitive and unnecessary questions next time on _Total_…_Drama_…_WoooooorldTooooooooouuuur_!"

* * *

**[1]: Parker Kovak is the main character from another Canadian cartoon show called "**_**Producing Parker**_**" which is a far more maturely themed show than the Total Drama series, but that is a great show and I will attempt to corrosver a little in this story. I recommend the show, it's very good.**

**Please Review.**

**Gracias Totales,****  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	8. Jamaican Heat

**Chapter 8: Jamaican Heat**

"Last time on Total Drama World Tour…the contestants were dropped into the Irish countryside and instructed to find their way to the North Irish capital of Belfast. Between budding friendships, severing of ties, romantic confusions and run-ins with violent separatist groups, Teams Amazon and Victory managed to come out on top and faced off in a drinking contest with "alcohol-free beer".

After the puke hit the fan and the inebriated contestants hit the floor, Heather managed to stay on her drinking bench and thus won the challenge for the Amazon gals. However, the action was not even close to over, since in the fallout of the "alcohol-free beer" induced inebriation, Bridgette got smoochy with Alejandro. What emotional turmoil will come of it? Which relationships will be affected by it? And which handsome TV host is going to get nominated for an Emmy this season? Find out all of this in the nomination announcements next week and in this episode of Total…Drama…_Wooooorld Touuuuuur_!" Chris narrated.

* * *

Team Amazon was reaping the spoils of war. Courtney and Gwen were once again submerged in the first class' silver hot tub, enjoying leisure while they could, knowing that they would soon arrive on location to the next challenge. Heather was getting a massage from Sergei, the Russian masseuse that Chris had hired/indentured while they were in Moscow and Cody was eating some real ice cream that was commonplace in the first class.

However, the calm ambient of the first class was broken with the storming entrance of Bridgette, who bolted for the hot tub.

"Courtney! Courtney! I have to talk to you!" Bridgette exclaimed.

"Does it have to be now? I'm nearly reaching Nirvana." Courtney commented.

"You're a Buddhist?" Gwen asked.

"No…a devout Catholic." Courtney replied.

"Well, that explains your continuous adherence to the policy of 'shout at they neighbor'." Gwen commented snarkily.

"Very funny, Gwen…that joke was so good it can actually afford to not be funny or clever." Courtney replied before stepping out of the hot tub and following Bridgette to the small corridor outside of the first class.

"Courtney, I did something terrible." Bridgette said, anxious and remorseful.

"What?" Courtney asked, worried.

"OK…I cheated on Geoff."

"What?"

"I don't know what came over me, I just saw Alejandro there and well…after all that happened in Ireland I realized how good he was and I just kissed him." Bridgette stuttered out.

"Damn it, Bridgette." Courtney said. "Well, at least you cheated on him with a good guy."

"Courtney!"

Well, I was never too fond of Geoff anyway, Bridgette, I think Alejandro might be better for you." Courtney said.

"But I love Geoff!" Bridgette said.

"Then why did you kiss Alejandro?" Courtney asked.

"Well, because he was being so nice, caring and good to me…which Geoff hasn't been lately." Bridgette said.

"Look, Bridge." Courtney began. "I don't really care for Geoff too much, but he does, or at least did make you happy, so that is reason enough for you to stay with him. However, if you really think Geoff hasn't been good with you lately and that Alejandro might be better…then I think it is time you make some changes."

"But I can't just leave Geoff like that…on international TV." Bridgette said.

"Well, that kiss was on international TV already…so Geoff probably already knows." Courtney said. "You'll have to make up your mind, Bridgette. If you want to keep talking tell me and we'll talk but I can't really help you until you make up your mind on your own."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette - **/_Nervous_/ Geoff, if you're watching this…I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I love you, or at least I think I do…or did, but you haven't been exactly good with me lately and I've told you that over and over, but it hasn't worked. So…I'll see what I'll do…I have to think.

* * *

As always, the economy class was a less joyous segment in the Jumbo Jet. Lindsay and DJ were playing tick-tack-toe; or rather DJ was trying to play tick-tack-toe while Lindsay drew random drawings such as hearts and smiley-faces into the squares.

Alejandro was trying to sleep, but was having trouble due to the water drops that were falling onto his forehead from one of the plane's leaking kitchen pipes that ran above the economy class. Noah and Owen were sitting side-by-side, with Noah reading one of his many books, in this case the book was "How to Deal with Morons vol. VIII: Basket Cases and Other Assorted Lunatics" and Owen was chewing on some chocolate that had probably spent more time being spoiled than being edible. Izzy was nowhere to be seen, but the rest of the cast had stopped caring about Izzy's whereabouts a long time ago since they had realized that you don't find Izzy, she finds you.

"You know what would be a good idea?" Owen asked rhetorically.

"What?" Noah asked, not looking away from his book.

"Chewing gum flavored chewing gum." Owen said.

"What?"

"You know how there's chewing gum flavored like passion fruit, orange, apple, grapefruit; whole and segmented; pomegranate, greengage, grape, lemon, plum, mango in syrup, cherries; red and black; banana and raspberry?" Owen asked rhetorically once again. "Well, I realized there's no chewing gum flavored like chewing gum. If chewing gum itself is delicious, imagine what chewing gum flavored chewing gum would taste like!"

"What would it taste like?" Noah asked, befuddled and somewhat intrigued.

"Chewing gummy, I guess." Owen replied.

"You're a regular Willy Wonka, Owen." Noah muttered before turning his sight back to his book.

"I know, my Big O is a genius!" Izzy exclaimed, appearing literally out of thin air and knocking Noah's book off his hands while saying this.

Noah sighed.

"Izzy, will you please pass me back my book?" Noah asked, annoyed.

"You mean this book?" Izzy said holding nothing nor pointing to anything in particular.

"No, the book you…"

Noah looked down to where his book had fallen and saw nothing there.

"What did you do with my book?" Noah asked.

"Let me see…"

Izzy pulled open the top of Noah's sweater vest and reach inside, extracting his book from under his clothes.

"Here it is!" She giggled while handing the bookworm his tome.

"Do you ever spend a single day without tearing up reality and physics?" Noah asked, rhetorically.

Somehow, Izzy had suddenly appeared standing behind him on his seat and proceeded to bent over his head so that her face was upside down and looking at him. She pressed her nose to his and then hissed.

"No."

Then, she suddenly appeared in front of his once again.

"Am I the only one who notices when she does that?" Noah asked in general.

He received no response.

"I figured."

"Maggots! Get yo butts over to the changing rooms and get into your swimsuits now! After that, get to elimination deck! If you're not there in fifteen minutes I'll make y'all go there personally and trust me, you don't want me to make you!" Chef yelled over the intercom.

* * *

Most of the cast had changed into their swimsuits and made it to the elimination deck before the time limit was up. Cody didn't manage to do so, since he spent most of the given time trying to peek at Gwen changing and by the time he'd gotten into his swimsuit, the time limit had expired and Chef violently hurled him through a wall into the elimination deck. Once all of them were there, Chris entered.

"OK children!" Chris exclaimed in a very poor Jamaican accent after he came into the elimination deck wearing a dashiki. "How ya be doin' ta-day?"

"What?" The cast universally responded.

"It's a Jamaican accent." Chris replied.

"I'm sorry, is there another Jamaica I'm not familiar with where they speak with that horribly annoying accent?" Noah asked, sarcastically as always, though this time actually eliciting some laughter from his castmates.

"Oh yeah, well…you suck." Chris replied.

"That comeback was so terrible, it actually missed me, turned around and made you look like an idiot all over again." Noah replied.

"Shut up!" Chris groaned.

"You know Noah; you could afford not to get on Chris' bad side." Alejandro whispered. "Because he might turn on our team…"

"I doubt Chris has the mental capacity to actually remember he's supposed to hold a grudge on somebody, so I wouldn't worry." Noah replied.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **It wasn't enough that Noah was debilitating my control over the team…but now he's also turning Chris against us. Well, I think that if an elimination ceremony comes up again for Team Chris…a loose end to be cut has already made itself clear.

* * *

The plane landed rather roughly on a rather unkempt dusty runway in the outskirts of Ocho Ríos, Jamaica.

"As you have probably deduced from my impeccable accent and attire, our next challenge will take place in Jamaica." Chris said.

"Jamaica?" DJ asked, surprised.

"Yes DJ, Jamaica. I guess this should be home court to you, so you have an edge." Chris said.

"I've actually never been to Jamaica before. My momma and I always talked about visitin' here some time, so she can get to see her old town once more, but we don't exactly have enough money lyin' around for a Caribbean vacation." DJ said.

"What a sad story." Chris said, almost honestly. "Too bad I lost my sense of empathy a long time ago, so I don't care. Now come on kids, let's get to the beach."

The contestants began to move towards the exit door of the elimination deck but Chris stopped them.

"Woah, kids. Don't step through that door." Chris said.

"Why not?" Gwen asked.

"Because according to the show's contract code rules, anyone who exits the plane through the door of the elimination deck is automatically eliminated, even if they didn't lose on the show." Chris warned. "Let's get out through the door on the front of the plane."

The cast were herded to the front of the Jumbo Jet and then out into a sunny Jamaican beach and for the first time the cast actually seemed glad about their challenge, which would become bitter disappointment and shock in roughly five minutes.

Five minutes after leaving the plane, the contestants were on top a large cliff, overlooking a large lagoon and they were being explained their challenge.

"It's simple." Chris stated. "All you have to do is dive off this really high cliff into the waters below, which are infested with ferocious electric eels, angry sharks and mildly irritated killer seabass, and retrieve the pieces of hidden treasure."

"Treasure?" Heather asked, excited about the prospect.

"The treasure are the five golden chains that Chef Hatchet wore when he starred in a blaxploitation movie in 1975." Chris explained.

"Chef starred in a movie?" Cody asked.

"Yes, 'Chefomite'." Chris answered. "A movie about a gourmet chef/pimp/crime fighting super martial artist/secret agent who has to rescue the president's daughter from evil pimp ninja vampires while trying to win over his estranged wife."

"Was that movie as sucky as it sounds?" Gwen asked.

"Nobody's sure, everybody who ever watched the movie died before making it to the end." Chris answered.

"So it was better than your badminton movie." Noah snickered.

After the rest of the cast chuckled in response, Chris promptly shoved Noah off the cliff and into the lagoon below.

"…And the challenge has begun!" He exclaimed. "Dive in, the team to retrieve the most treasure wins."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah – **I saw that badminton movie and I will not take back my comment. Besides, it's not like I'm the only one who thinks so…Siskel and Ebert gave it two thumbs down and viciously murdered the director for inflicting such terrible cinematic garbage unto the world.

* * *

The contestants followed the instructions and leaped off the cliff. The contestants landed in the water (save for Cody, who hit a rock open-legged and Owen, who landed in the open mouth of a shark that promptly spat him out because he couldn't get to swallow him) and immediately dove in different directions to retrieve the sunken treasure.

Cody carefully skimmed to the side of the rock, trying to avoid further crotch damage but unfortunately he landed in the water open-legged and right next to an angry electric eel, which promptly delivered a zap to his crotch.

Gwen dove under and looked around, trying to spot some of the golden chains, but didn't see any. Figuring that Chris wouldn't put them near the surface, she dove further, fighting the water pressure and the unrelenting forces of physics that made people float instead of go deeper in the water. When she reached the bottom of the lagoon (which turned out to not be as deep as she expected), she looked around again to see a large shark heading her way.

Gasping in shock (and expelling the classic air bubble from her mouth while doing so), Gwen dodged the shark's with a mighty kick, but didn't manage to dodge the large dorsal fin and got hit by it. As a reflex, she grabbed onto the fin; when she realized that the shark wasn't trying to shake her off, she swung onto its back and began to ride it, using it as a transport to look around the lagoon.

Elsewhere, Noah was floating around the surface of the lagoon, looking around by sticking his head under the water, even though he didn't expect to actually find anything. After five minutes of lazily looking around, he actually spotted one of the treasure chains and found himself faced with a deep internal conflict. Listen to his ambition and dive under the lagoon to grab the treasure himself, or listen to his natural laziness and just wait for one of his teammates to get close so he could point them in the direction of the chain and not have to do any physical effort himself.

He looked around to see if any of the others were close, but couldn't spot any of them.

"Crap!" He cursed,

Looking around for any of his teammates once again, above or below the water, Noah hesitated, his head bolting between the treasure and random directions in which he might spot some teammates. Making up his mind, Noah took a deep breath and dove under to swim for the golden chain.

DJ was having the most trouble out of his team, since he was too scared to dive under, what with the sharks and everything, so he was sitting in a fetal position on a small rocky surface near the edge of the lagoon. Another teammate of his noticed his problem and approached him on the isle.

"DJ, what's up?" Bridgette asked.

"I can't go under there." He said.

"Why not? I thought Courtney taught you to swim during the break between seasons." Bridgette said.

"She did, but that's not it."

"What is then?"

"Sharks, eels and seabass." DJ said.

"Right. They're not so dangerous, though, they're just trained animals Chris uses to scare us. They can't hurt you."

"SH/_bleep_/T!" Gwen screamed as the shark she was riding leaped out of the water, trying to shake her off after realizing she was there.

"FU/_bleep_/K!" Heather screamed as she leaped out of the water, covered in electric eels which zapped her repeatedly.

"SON OF A BI/_bleep_/H!" Noah screamed as he swam for his life, being chased by five mildly irritated killer seabass.

"OK, they're a little bit dangerous, but…"

Before Bridgette could finish the sentence, a group of mildly irritated killer seabass leaped on her and began to bite her arms, legs, hair and one of her ears; prompting the surfer girl to thrash around while trying to shake them off and prompting DJ to recoil in terror.

Not too far away from that scene, Alejandro had finished fighting off a pair of electric eels that had picked up a grudge with him and he noticed Bridgette's peril.

Immediately, he swam towards her in a chivalrous rescue mission. He swam with all his might, trying to reach the desperate damsel in distress, who was trying to tear the biting fish off her flesh with varied results in each attempt. When he reached her, Alejandro assaulted immediately. He bit the tail of one of the seabass, which reacted by letting go of Bridgette and swimming away in pain. Alejandro kept doing that and even though Bridgette was initially reluctant to hurt the little fishes, she opted to follow Alejandro's example when one bit her butt. In less than thirty seconds, Bridgette was seabass free and both her and Alejandro had swam to shore for safety.

"Jesus Christ!" Bridgette exclaimed.

"Are you…OK?" Alejandro panted.

"Yeah, yeah."

Promptly, Bridgette hugged Alejandro tightly.

"I thought those things were going to kill me." Bridgette panted. "Thank you, Alejandro. You saved my life…again."

"No…problem, señorita." He replied.

The pair then looked at each other's in deep infatuation.

On the other end of the lagoon, Cody was still in trouble. Crotch pain related trouble. After landing open-legged on the rock and being zapped in the same sweet spot afterwards, Cody was treated to a shark's dorsal fin slamming against his crotch, followed by a mildly irritated seabass bite, a crab pinch, another series of eel zaps and a couple of accidental kicks there from Izzy. Naturally, he also took to swimming to the shore and staying put in a fetal position in order to protect his golden boys.

"Cody, what are you doing?" Courtney asked, standing over Cody threateningly. "Get back in the water and look for treasure."

"I'd rather stay here and protect my own treasures, thank you." Cody groaned in pain.

"Cody, what is my policy on laziness again?" Courtney asked, rhetorically.

"Kick it in the butt?" Cody said, sounding almost like a question.

"Precisely."

Then, Courtney picked up Cody and delivered a swift kick to his buttocks, which threw him across the air and into another nearby rock that he, of course, landed on open-legged and crotch first.

Courtney dove back into the water and began to dive towards the bottom of the lagoon, doing so both gracefully and quickly due to her stellar participation in both her school competitive swimming team and synchronized swimming team.

After reaching the bottom of the lagoon, she looked around and spotted the glimmer of a nearby piece of sunken treasure, which she swam for immediately. Pushing against the dense waters, she got closer and closer to the target, pushing inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, meter by meter until she was close enough to see Lindsay snatch up the golden chain and begin to swim upwards to the surface.

A furious Courtney watched as the "blonde bimbo" she was so bitter about bested her once again and swam to the surface, but the brunette would not allow it.

"I got it; I got one of the chains!" Lindsay exclaimed, holding said golden chain up in the air with her left arm.

"Oh no, you don't!" Courtney exclaimed after surfacing suddenly from the water behind Lindsay.

The brunette forcefully slammed her hand down on Lindsay's blonde head and shoved her underwater, leaving her left arm above so she could snatch the chain and swim for the shore and for victory.

"Hey, she cheated!" Lindsay exclaimed as soon as she re-surfaced.

"You can't cheat if there's no rules." Chris shouted back as Courtney gave him the golden chain. "Point one for Team Amazon!"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Lindsay - **/_Furious_/ Carrie is such a cheater! I got that golden chain thingy! My team should have won! /_Grumbles_/ I'm starting to think that people have some kind of problem with white, skinny, blonde girls with large boobies…nobody ever treats us kindly!

* * *

"No fair!" Lindsay yelled.

"Life isn't fair!" Courtney called back.

"Well, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be fair either. Just because the cosmic entity of chance is indiscriminate in its concession of benefit or punishment to people and therefore not fair because it rewards or punishes regardless of merit doesn't mean you shouldn't be fair either, in fact you should be to compensate for the unfairness of universal chance!" Lindsay exclaimed.

At the culmination of that speech, all activity in the lagoon ceased and everyone stared at Lindsay in bewilderment.

"That was scary." Gwen proclaimed.

"Uh-huh." Everyone replied.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **First she speaks French, now she can make a relatively valid argument about cosmic chance's unjust impartiality…what's next? She built a small nuclear fusion reactor to power her bedroom?

* * *

Despite many failed attempts and a decent time passing, Noah had neither gotten a hold of the golden chain nor seen any of his teammates he could delegate the task to. Luckily enough, none of the other contestants had spotted the chain either.

"OK Noah, you can do this." The bookworm said to himself. "If you could trick those neighborhood kids who used to pick on you into converting to Mormonism and giving you two hundred dollars, you can do this!"

"You can do anything, Noah!" Owen exclaimed.

Noah turned around to see his Chubby Buddy floating around nearby with the upper-half of his body above the water, somehow without wading, swimming or any kind of flotation device at all.

"Owen, how are you floating like that?" Noah asked, rather baffled by his friend's apparent complete defiance of physics.

"I don't know, I just jumped into the water and didn't sink." Owen answered.

"How?"

"I don't know, I think it might be the few extra pounds I put on before the season began." He said.

"Probably." Noah replied.

After looking at his obese friend, Noah got an idea. He looked up to the section of the rocky formations surrounding the lake that was above him and got an idea.

"Owen, I have an idea. I need you to help me." Noah told hi friend.

"Sure, Little Buddy."

Gwen was still having trouble with the ferocious shark she was riding. The angry sea predator had been trying to shake her off for fifteen minutes and even though Gwen initially considered letting go, she figured that as soon as she did the shark would eat her, so in the end she held onto the beast.

"Doesn't this thing ever stop swimming?" Gwen yelled.

"Actually, sharks can never stop swimming." Cody yelled back from the rock he was on nearby.

"God fu/_bleep_/ing dammnit!" Gwen yelled.

The shark leaped up and finally managed to launch Gwen off its back before swatting her away with its tail. The goth girl screamed as she was launched head-first on a collision course with the same rock Cody was on.

"Hang on, Gwen!" Cody exclaimed. "I'll save you!"

The geek placed himself where he calculated Gwen would land, outstretching his arms to catch his beloved. Unfortunately enough, he miscalculated and instead of landing in his arms, Gwen landed head-first against his crotch, slamming against it and knocking the pained geek back into the water.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody – **On the downside, I'm pretty sure I'm sterile now. On the upside, Gwen's mouth was /_makes a gesture in which his thumb is millimeters away from his index finger_/ this close to my crotch. /_Chuckles in a nerdy fashion_/ Win!

* * *

Out of all the contestants, the only one that wasn't having any trouble was Heather, who was once again up to her deceptive tactics. She figured that Alejandro was the safest bet on who would find a golden chain. She didn't count on Lindsay, but she was still convinced that if Alejandro found one of the chains, she could distract him and take it. At first she figured she'd have to flash him, but now that she'd seen him endanger himself for Bridgette…she had another strategy.

Of course, she knew that Bridgette was a piece in one of Alejandro's wicked schemes, probably manipulating her into liking him so he could use her but she would not intervene since this could actually help her now.

Sure enough, Heather noticed Alejandro swimming in a particular direction towards the side of the lagoon with a determined look on his face, so she decided to start the destruction. With little difficulty, she caught grip of a mildly irritated seabass and swam over to Bridgette, who was looking along the edge of the lagoon. Once she was nearby, she slyly pulled down the zipper on the back of Bridgette's wet suit and dropped the seabass in before zipping up the suit again. She then dived and swam away while the surfer felt the first bite of the angry fish in her buttocks.

The surfer girl screamed in pain and squirmed around; surely enough, Alejandro heard and immediately went to her rescue. Heather took her opportunity.

Even after it knocked her across the air and into Cody, the angry shark wasn't quite done with Gwen. The vicious sea predator was circling the small rocky isle she was standing on, waiting for her to get into the water to get his dish served cold.

The goth figured she wouldn't get to move out of the isle until the challenge was over, or at least she did before Izzy popped up from under the water nearby.

"Hey Gwen! Wassup?" The crazy girl exclaimed.

"Nothing much, just being harassed by an unnaturally vengeful shark." Gwen said.

"Need some help with that?" Izzy asked.

"If you wouldn't mind."

Izzy nodded and swam towards the shark. As soon as it saw her get close, the predator "shark smiled" and rushed towards her too, but Izzy was quicker and managed to slip under the shark, hugging herself to it in order to hold on. She then placed her hand on the underside of its left fin and began to tickle it, which promptly made the shark begin to flop around as it "shark giggled" because of the redhead's tickling.

The shark surfaced and flipped itself belly up, with the crazy girl standing crouched on its belly and tickling it under its left fin as it "shark laughed".

"Impressive." Gwen muttered.

"Ooh, you ain't seen nothin' yet!" Izzy giggled.

Izzy promptly grabbed the shark by the tail, leaped into the air, swung it around by said tail while she floated in mid-air and then threw the shark far off beyond sight.

"Woah!" Gwen exclaimed.

"Ain't seen nothin' yet!" Izzy giggled again.

The redhead pulled open her bikini top slightly and the shark shot out from her cleavage and then flew off beyond sight. Then Izzy disappeared.

"You saw that too, right?" Noah asked Gwen from a slight distance away.

"Yeah." Gwen said, bewildered.

"Like she said, you ain't seen nothin' yet. She does weirder stuff that defies even more laws of logical reality." Noah said.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah – **At least now I'm not the only one to have witnessed Izzy's reality defying antics. My theory is that she was dropped off here by pandimensional aliens. It's the only explanation that makes any sense…as little sense as it makes.

* * *

"Point two for Team Amazon!" Chris exclaimed after Heather gave him the second golden chain. "Team Me; you better hurry up if you want to win!"

"Hey, why didn't you say Team Victory?" Bridgette asked as Alejandro pulled the mildly irritated seabass from between her butt-cheeks and out of her wetsuit.

"Because you suck!" Chris yelled back. "Now find those chains before Chef comes back because if Chef finds out I threw his favorite props in a lake, he'll throw out all my hair products! Seriously, he will!"

"OK Owen, are you ready?" Noah asked, from the lagoon looking up.

"Yes, Noah!" The fat guy exclaimed.

Owen had shouted out from atop a very high ledge above the lagoon, awaiting instructions.

"OK, jump over…there." Noah said, pointing to a particular spot in the lagoon.

"OK!"

The fat guy stepped back several paces in order to get a running start. Once he supposed he'd taken enough space for a good jump, he bolted forward as fast as his little chubby legs could carry him and leaped off the edge.

The 300 torpedo fell through the air, cannonball position and yelled in excitement as he tore across the air like a speeding boulder thrown by a catapult, which drew the attention of every contestant. When he hit the water, the wave that ensued was powerful enough to move everything in the lagoon five meters from its original position. In Cody's case, it was powerful enough to do even more damage to his testicles just with the force of the wave, followed by even more pain and damage when he struck a nearby wall open-legged.

However, Noah achieved his goal because Owen's splash made the golden chain shoot out of the water and Noah caught it afterwards. The bookworm swam to shore and delivered it to the sadistic host, who gave score to Team Chris.

After witnessing Bridgette being assaulted by angry fish, DJ decided to be even more cautious about the vicious fish in the lagoon and decided to take a climb.

The Jamaican-Canadian teen gripped every outstanding rock, wall tip and possible gripping surface with rough force, doing his best to keep his fingers bent and clutched to the rock, so as to avoid a thirty foot fall to destination pain. Though most people would have had trouble scaling large, steep rocky formations, DJ's unusually large strength (plus the rock climbing lessons that Courtney had forced him to take as part of his swimming lessons for some reason) gave him an ample advantage and in the end, through sweat and toil, he managed to climb to a large enough ledge for him to settle on.

"OK, sharks can't jump thirty feet up into the air, so I should be safe up here." DJ muttered to himself as he finally sat down on the ledge.

From said ledge, the tall teen could see the entire lagoon from a bird's eye view. Courtney arguing with Lindsay while both searched for the treasure, Alejandro aiding Bridgette in her search, Cody scooting away to a side area while covering his ailing crotch, Izzy popping underwater in a part of the lagoon and then popping out on the opposite end seconds later, Owen floating around on his back with Noah resting on top of him like he was some kind of inflatable pool chair, Heather doing nothing and Chris lighting up some sticks of dynamite from his vantage point on a rock high above the lagoon.

"OK children, this has gotten boring!" Chris exclaimed. "So here's a little incentive!"

The host promptly threw the lit stick of explosive into the water and it went off before hitting the cool blue, sending a shockwave that hurdled Cody into a wall, then Noah against him and then Owen on top of both, crushing them.

The other contestants began to scramble and swim away from Chris as he threw more dynamite into the lagoon, causing varied explosions that broke off chunks of the rock walls surrounding the water body and that propelled both contestants and ferocious sea creatures across the air like little toy soldiers.

However, another thing it threw across the air was one of Chef's golden chains, which was blasted above DJ's head and finally got caught on the edge of a rock a few meters above the ledge where the teen was standing.

Seeing an opportunity to win without having to get into the water, DJ began to climb up again, going once again through the strenuous labor of climbing up the steep rock wall to get his shiny golden price. Rock by rock, hand by hand, something by something, DJ made his way up closer to the golden chain until he finally reached it.

The teen reached for the golden chain, grabbing it by the large Roman male symbol medallion that was attached to the end and began to pull on it, but it wouldn't budge, since it was caught behind a small chipped edge on the outstanding rock. DJ pulled over and over again until, tired by the chain's lack of budging, he gave an exaggeratedly hard tug and the chain was set free, though not because the chain got off the chipped edge but rather because the whole outstanding rock was torn right off the wall.

After the tug, DJ fell off the wall and landed on the ledge that he'd stood on before and the force of his fall knocked the ledge right off the wall. As soon as the large ledge was knocked off its place, little streams of water began to pour out of the wall, progressively getting larger and stronger until a giant breach finally broke out into the wall, pouring out thousands of gallons of water onto the lagoon and onto the contestants.

The flood filled out the lagoon, knocking the contestants either into nearby walls or into the shore near Chris (and in Cody's case, into a conveniently located and absolutely out of place stop sign next to the lake which he struck open-legged).

"That…was…awesome!" Chris exclaimed, closing the umbrella he'd opened to keep the water from spraying on him.

"Too bad you probably won't be getting back that medallion." Heather mocked. "Unless you're willing to swim under a thirty feet deep lagoon."

"Actually, I expect _you_ to do that." Chris said. "So go look for those medallions."

"Actually, I got one here." DJ said, handing it to Chris.

"One more to go!"

"Um, Chris, one thing." Owen said. "Do the chocolate medallions look different than the gold ones?"

"What?"

"Well, I found one of the chocolate medallions and ate it and I wanna know if the golden ones we have to give you look the same?"

"There are no chocolate medallions." Chris said.

"Oh…"

"You ate a piece of sold gold?" Gwen asked.

"I thought it was chocolate!"

"…And you couldn't tell the difference when you were chewing material that should have shattered your teeth?" Gwen replied.

"I don't really chew."

"Oh, don't sweat it. I'll handle this." Noah said.

The bookworm approached his obese friend and closely examined his stomach, touching parts of it with the tips of his fingers before selecting a specific spot and giving it a properly forceful punch. By Newton's second law, Owen burped loudly and Chef's golden medallion blasted out and impacted against Cody's crotch before being picked up by Noah and handed to Chris.

"How'd you learn to do that?" Bridgette asked.

"Trial and error. Owen swallows my varied medals thinking they're made of chocolate on a daily basis back home." Noah answered.

"And Team Chris finds the last one!" Chris exclaimed. "Since it's a tie, nobody gets an advantage for the second challenge, which means that just like in a communist society everybody has to suffer the exact same amount!"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **/_Holding a pencil and drawing pad_/ I'm pretty sure Chris was some type of brutal military dictator in a past life, in fact, I've been working on an artist's rendition of what that would be like /_She shows the drawing pad to the camera, showing Chris wearing a general's uniform and standing on a luxurious balcony while cackling evilly_/ I'm gonna make an oil paint version of this one and hang it in my room.

**Owen – **I'd like to clear up that I only ate that medallion because it looked so yummy and I hadn't eaten for two minutes. I was desperate!

* * *

"You know what the best of this is?" Damian asked rhetorically.

"What?"

The three producers: Damian Hellburn, Manny Alberti and Carter Denham; were lying back on lawn chairs in the beach, sipping piña coladas and relaxing to loosen up after their last violent stop in Ireland.

"That our lavish and luxury comes from the suffering of some pretty messed up, crappy people." Damian said.

"The French laborers we pay to smuggle coke for us?" Manny asked.

"No…the contestants of the show." Damian answered.

"Oh, right."

"You're not very smart, aren't you?"

"My teachers said I'd amount to nothing. They were partially incorrect."

* * *

"OK children, for the second challenge we're gonna do so traditionally Jamaican that it's practically racist." Chris announced.

The contestants had been taken over to a clear beach where the only thing that wasn't sand were two metal rods with small bar rests on the front stuck into the ground. Chef showed up out of nowhere and, as per his custom, he was wearing an outfit normally appropriate for a woman. In this case it was a coconut bra and a straw skirt.

"I sure hope he's wearing something under that." Gwen said, disgusted.

"He's not." Chris replied.

"How do you know that?" Gwen queried.

"Don't ask." Chris replied.

Chef produced a metal rod and rested it on the first set of bar holders on the metal rods, forming a limbo bar set.

"Limbo!" Chris exclaimed.

"So we have to limbo under that bar?" Heather asked.

"Na-ah."

Then, the infamous chime rang out.

"You have to limbo under that bar while singing!" Chris exclaimed, earning an almost collective groan from the contestants. "Each team has to choose two members."

The teams rounded up and decided upon their members. Team Amazon went with Gwen and Heather (they initially considered Courtney, but realized she wouldn't work in a contest that required flexibility); Team Chris chose Alejandro and Noah (they considered Izzy but realized she'd probably try to eat the metal limbo bar) and Team Victory chose Bridgette and Lindsay (they initially considered DJ but he said he was too large and that considering him just because he is Jamaican was pretty racist).

"One contestant from each team goes in order starting with Team Amazon, then Team Me and finally Team Victory. After all contestants have gone under once, we lower the bar and we do that until there's only one man or woman left standing. Any questions? Doesn't matter. Go!"

Reggae music played from out of nowhere and the limbo dance began.

"_**How looooow can you go?**_" Heather sang. "_**To win the show.**_"

"_**In life we have a thing called decency,  
**__**Well I lost that pretty thing inside of me  
**__**When I joined this show.**_" Gwen sang as she began to bend down.

The bar wasn't too low at that point, so the goth barely had to bend down to get through the bar. She made it across successfully.

"_**I used to be able to see my reflection  
**__**All I see now in the mirror is a painful recollection  
**__**Since I joined this show.**_" Noah sang as he also slid under the bar and crossed over successfully.

"_**Life used to be bright and the sun would shine  
**__**But now I feel like I'm stuck at the end of a mine  
**__**Because I'm stuck in this show.**_" Bridgette sang, going under the bar and successfully sliding under.

The melody changed slightly as Heather began to go under.

"_**But now things ain't right, not anymore  
**__**Now I feel like I'm just a common whore  
**__**Bending over myself to get the prize  
**__**Doing all sorts of things that I despise**_." Heather sang, crossing under successfully.

"_**But it's all worth it, at least I would guess  
**__**When I get me my million after this mess  
**__**I'll do what it takes to become the king  
**__**Even bend over a bar and limbo while I sing.**_" Alejandro sang, as he also crossed over successfully.

"_**I feel really sad because this show's no fun  
**__**I really want it to end and be finally done  
**__**I wanna go home and see my doggy, then  
**__**I'll be finally happy and giggly once again.**_" Lindsay sang as she tried to cross.

However, when Lindsay bent down over her back to limbo, her breasts fell back close to her face, blocking her view and causing her to slam her head right into the bar and knock it off the poles, eliminating herself.

Chris declared her eliminated and after she stepped over to the side and Chef lowered the bar even more, the challenge proceeded.

"_**O-o-o-ooh. How low can you go?**_" The non-participating contestants chorused. "_**To win the show.**_"

"_**Life is suddenly a pain and I'm going insane  
**__**The stress and the nerves will wreck my brain  
**__**While I'm in this show.**_" Gwen sang as she went lower, having a little more difficulty since the bend was even steeper this time.

"_**How low can you go?**_" The contestants chorused quickly right after Gwen delivered her final verse.

"_**It's sad but true my self-respect is gone  
**__**And naturally my humanity is also done  
**__**Thanks to this show.**_" Noah sang, going under the bar.

"_**How low can you go?**_**"**

Noah couldn't go too low, since while he was halfway across the bar, his legs gave in and he fell on his back. Chris pulled Noah aside and declared him eliminated, after which Team Victory's Bridgette went in.

"_**I don't know how long I can last  
**__**I just want this game to be past  
**__**So I can leave the show.**_" Bridgette sang, as she messily slid under the bar, barely making it through the test.

"_**How low can you go?**_"

The melody changed once again to the second type that had been previously sang by the second set of contestants.

"_**I'm starting to get tired, I feel sick  
**__**I can't stand these people and their tricks  
**__**I want to beat them all to death with a stick  
**__**Because in the end they're all just d/bleep/ks.**_" Heather sang as she easily limboed under the bar and to the next round.

"_**She's gone very low.**_" The cast sang, annoying Heather.

"_**I know that times are getting tough  
**__**But I've taken blows far more rough  
**__**I'll keep going I still haven't had enough  
**__**I'll beat anyone and call their bluff.**_" Alejandro sang as he went under the bar and looked at Heather while singing, causing her to give him the finger as he mad it through.

"_**He can go very low.**_" The cast chorused, except for Owen who accidentally messed up the line by saying 'she'.

The melody returned to the original as Chef lowered the bar for the next round. Gwen prepared to go under the bar again.

"_**I don't know what lyrics to sing  
**__**I thought I'd already lose this thing  
**__**On this shit-.**_" Gwen sang.

"_**She couldn't go that low**_."

Before she could complete her verse, she hit the limbo stick and it fell over along with her, who fell on her back. As she slid over to the side, Bridgette went in for her turn.

"_**The sea is angry and the sky is grey  
**__**I hope the glum burden ends today  
**__**And we end this show.**_" Bridgette sang.

"_**How low can you go?**_"

When she was about to make it across, Bridgette slipped and fell on her back, disqualifying herself. She was assisted to the side by Chris and the last two contestants, Heather and Alejandro, stared at each other menacingly.

"Looks like the dynamic duo is back on track!" Chris exclaimed. "Let's roll!"

The music played again and Heather prepped herself to go under.

"_**How low can you go?  
**__**I can go-o-o as low  
**__**As the flo-o-oh  
**__**To win the show.**_" Heather sang.

Appropriately enough, Heather went as low as the floor, since she fell backwards and lost as she couldn't get through the limbo bar.

"Well, looks like you did go down onto the floor, señorita." Alejandro teased.

"Go down on yourself!" Heather yelled.

"OK Alejandro, if you can make it through this one you win the challenge." Chris proclaimed.

Alejandro smiled and prepared himself. While he did so, the rest of the cast (save Heather) repeated their chant of "how long can you go?" over and over while Alejandro prepared himself. The Spaniard bent over himself and slowly but surely went under the limbo bar, coming to triumph after he made it to the other side.

"_**I went as looo-ooooow  
**__**As anyone can goooooo!**_" Alejandro sang, reaching a very high note on the "low".

"Not arguing there." Heather muttered.

"Team Chris Is A Divine Manifestation of Beauty and Glory on Earth wins!" Chris exclaimed.

The aforementioned team cheered in celebration because of their undeniable triumph and the other two teams groaned in dissatisfaction.

"Team Victory, since you were the first to lose this challenge, you face elimination tonight." Chris said. "But we have a couple hours to spare until we take off again, so teams, you get to enjoy the beach for the rest of the day!"

The contestants rejoiced in their reward, save for Team Victory, whose members were primarily concerned with the thought that one of them would be done that night and anyone of them was open game.

"Enjoy, kids! Since you won't be able to do that again for a while!" The host chuckled.

* * *

"_**If you like piña coladas  
**__**Getting caught in the rain  
**__**If you're not into Yoga  
**__**If you have half a brain.**_" Damian and Manny sang as they half-drunkenly swished their piña colada glasses while lying down on their folding beach chairs.

Their merry celebration was interrupted by a phone ringing, which was answered by Hellburn.

"DMC Productions, Co-Founder and Chief Executive Officer Damian Hellburn speaking." Damian answered.

"Mr. Hellburn, it's Parker Kovak again. The producer of the Total Drama Aftermath." Damian heard over the phone.

"Ah, Miss Kovak. You wanted to tell me something a couple days ago. I'm sorry, me and my colleagues have been occupied since you last contacted me." Damian answered.

"Yes, I know. I've been calling endlessly and haven't gotten an answer. Anyway, I have something urgent to tell you." Kovak said.

"What is it?"

"It's Duncan. He hasn't arrived at the studio since he got eliminated from the show." Parker said. "The pick-up copter didn't even find him. He's been missing for weeks and we're having a heart attack here at the studio! His parents have been and are threatening to press charges!"

"What?" Damian yelled, leaping up from the chair. "Do we have somebody looking for him?"

"No, we couldn't send out a search group without your approval!" Parker exclaimed.

"Well yes, woman, send out a search group! Hire the best men we've got! We have to find that stupid brat!" Damian exclaimed.

"Yes sir, I'll get right on it." Parker said, hanging up.

"Son of a bitch!" Damian exclaimed.

"What is it?" Manny asked.

"We have a problem."

* * *

As the sun slowly began its journey out of the sky in the afternoon in front of that Jamaican beach, the contestants enjoyed their first hours of calmness and relaxation since the show had premiered little over a month before. Several were swimming in the ocean, enjoying the template waters of the Jamaican coast but some were walking down the beach as the sunset provided mood lighting for good chats with friends.

"I've always liked sketching in the sunset." Gwen said as she scribbled in her drawing pad. "Gives you good lighting and its inspiring."

The goth was lying down on a folding beach chair, sketching away while she talked with Courtney, who was lying down on an identical beach chair next to hers.

"It is very nice." Courtney said. "Though I don't get to see beach sunsets too much. My family lives in the dead center of the wooded regions of British Columbia, in a town called West Elizabeth. It's a three hour drive to the closest beach."

"I live in Blackwater. Right next to the sea on the Pacific Coast. It's the same town as Bridgette, Katie and Sadie." Gwen said.

"You live in the same town as Bridgette?" Courtney asked. "Strange that she's never mentioned that."

"Well, I don't think she had reason too. I mean, before this season we didn't exactly get along, Courtney." Gwen said.

"I guess." Courtney said. "You're lucky to have Bridgette in your town. I have Justin in mine and he's always trying to hit on me. He still has that silly crush on me from TDA."

Here is where things got a little awkward for Gwen, since she knew this was a chance for her to ask a question about a topic she was trying to ignore but just couldn't help to do so any longer. So she asked:

"You don't do anything with him do you, right?"

"What? No. I'm with Duncan. Exclusively. At least I hope so. I can't help but think that maybe he's cheated on me, especially since he lives in the same town as Heather and Lindsay. Those two whores." Courtney growled.

"I've already told you, Court. Duncan's not the cheating type. Besides, Lindsay's with Tyler and Duncan hates Heather." Gwen said. "You have to stop being so jealous, or else he will think of leaving you."

Even though she tried to fight it, Gwen couldn't help but smile a little at that thought.

"I know, you're right." Courtney said. "Cool down Courtney…"

* * *

"I'll see you soon then." Alejandro told Bridgette as she walked away from him.

The pair had been talking for a while about various topics (mostly related to adorable animals, since this was Bridgette's favorite conversation topic) but had to slit, since Bridgette felt like being alone for a while. Alejandro didn't mind, he could tell that Bridgette was being slowly charmed by him and his plan was working out to perfection.

However, there was one person standing in his way.

"Great men are not always wise." Noah said as Alejandro walked past him.

The Spaniard turned around and saw the bookworm staring at him while leaning back against a palm tree.

"What?"

"It's just a little reminder. A little advise if you will." Noah said.

"Advise from you?" Alejandro asked, doubtful.

"From the Bible actually, which I figure you'd know considering you're a devout Catholic and all." Noah said.

"What do you mean?"

"We're both smart, Alejandro. You were just messing with the relationship of a poor, stupid girl and I told you something about smart people not always being wise. What do you think it means?" Noah said as he walked away.

"Wait, wait, wait. When did you become a moralist?" Alejandro asked, accusingly.

"I've never been a moralist, Al…"

"Don't call me that…"

"I've never been a moralist, but I'm also not cruel and thanks to Owen I have a certain degree of empathy so I think you should tread dangerous ground and leave Bridgette be." Noah said.

"I'm not treading dangerous grounds, amigo. I care about her, I like her." Alejandro.

"I am going to look past that and tell you; don't be a fool, Alejandro. Seriously. Like I said: Great men are not always wise." Noah said.

And with that he walked away.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **Now the little pendejo is getting in on my plans. He's gone.

**Noah – **I have a feeling that I've doomed myself by doing that, but the nervously raking sense of guilt and moralist haze that has assaulted me in the past few days could only be assuaged that way /_He shakes his head in shame_/ I am going to get crucified.

* * *

In a warm afternoon with such a prominent sunset, Bridgette would normally seize the opportunity to go out surfing but she was worried about too many things to enjoy the evening in the beach. She sitting on a flat rock a short distance into the tropical forest next to the beach, thinking things over for the fifth time that day. She was so concerned with her dilemma, she didn't even realize she was indirectly facing her fear of being alone in the woods. Not only the possibility that she might get eliminated irked her, but also the idea that she might not see Alejandro in a while, something that ironically irked her twice as much because she was irked by the fact that she was irked by the idea of not seeing Alejandro in a while.

She didn't get how it happened. When the season started, she was madly in love with Geoff and in less than a month not only was her love fading but she was starting to feel something for another guy she met only a month before.

"Jesus, why does this have to be so hard?" Bridgette wondered aloud.

Big mistake. The infamous chime rung out.

"What was that?" Bridgette asked to herself.

"It's the singing chime!" Chris exclaimed, approaching the girl. "You're having a deep emotional dilemma, which is perfect for a song. So, I'm going to leave you alone and you're going to sing your heart out while the cameras are rolling…And it better be emotional or you're eliminated. Good luck."

The host walked away and a soft, flowing music began to play.

"_**I don't know how it came to be.  
**__**It happened so suddenly  
**__**One day my heart was at his word  
**__**And the next it was on the other end of the woooooorld.**_" Bridgette sang melancholically from her sitting rock.

"_**We'd walk hand in hand  
**__**Together on the saaaaaand  
**__**His lips would whisper in my ear  
**__**And his voice was the only thing I'd wanna heeeeear.**_"

The melody switched lightly and the rhythm sped up as the chorus came in while Bridgette reached higher notes with her powerful mezzo voice.

"_**But then suddenly it happened  
**__**My world began to change  
**__**My love was in the darkness  
**__**And the light was brought again  
**__**By another faaaaaace!  
**__**Oh, I don't know how it happened  
**__**I knew he was the man for whom I was born  
**__**But now I suddenly doubt  
**__**All I know now is that I am torn.**_"

The blonde leaped off her rock and began to walk, looking at the setting sun through a large gap in the tree line and walking towards the coast. The melody switched back to the original verse one as she sang again.

"_**Now I see I'm kissing a new face  
**__**That speeds my heart's paaaaaaace  
**__**As for my old flame  
**__**I think I'm starting to forget his naaaaame!**_"

A new melody kicked in as the song's bridge section came up, which Bridgette sung while she walked through the brush of the Jamaican forest. This section was a lot slower and somehow even more melancholic than the previous ones.

"_**Now I remember you, my old friend  
**__**My old flame  
**__**I thought that once I'd lost your name  
**__**But it turns out it's not the end  
**__**I still remember youuuuuuu  
**__**I still feel youuuuuuu  
**__**I still know who you are  
**__**And you're still there  
**__**Somewhere in my heart.**_"

Then, the melody switched back to the chorus.

"_**Oh, I don't know how it happened  
**__**I knew he was the man for whom I was born  
**__**But now I suddenly doubt  
**__**All I know now is that I am torn.**_"

Then, the chorus melody slowed down and became lighter as Bridgette sang slowly, melancholically, bitterly and more importantly, sadly.

"_**Oh, I don't know how it happened  
**__**I thought he was the man for whom I was born  
**__**But now it's not true.  
**__**Now the only truth is that I'm torn.**_"

As she finally finished her song, she reached the beach and dramatically stared out into the sunset.

"Oh, screw this. I'm miserable, but I am not missing a chance to swim with those adorable dolphins!" Bridgette exclaimed and bolted towards the sea.

* * *

After the contestants enjoyed their afternoon on the beach, Chef piled them into plane and took off. A few hours later, Team Victory was taken to the elimination deck.

"You all know the procedure. Three losers come in, one gets thrown off the plane, two losers sulk in their own loserdom! Now, let's pick the biggest loser!" Chris exclaimed.

* * *

**(Bathroom voting confessional)**

**Bridgette - **/_Regretfully stamps a passport_/

**DJ - **/_Regretfully stamps a passport_/

**Lindsay - **/_Regretfully stamps the counter, then notices what she did and proceeds to regretfully stamp a passport_/

* * *

"…And now the time has come!" Chris exclaimed.

The host looked at the tally sheet and smiled.

"Well, it's the first time we've ever had a unanimous vote on this show…which means the eliminated kicked themselves out." Chris said.

"I didn't vote for myself." Bridgette said.

"I didn't vote for myself." Lindsay said.

"I did." DJ said.

"That's right!" Chris exclaimed. "Big guy gets the boot! Sorry Deej! Better luck next time!"

"I'm sorry, DJ. We're gonna miss you." Bridgette said.

"I know. No problem. I'll see you on the other side, guys."

The tall teen hugged his two former teammates, strapped on the parachute and leaped out of the elimination deck door, falling to the end of his run on the show.

* * *

"Looks like DJ bit the dust, poor guy. Bridgette's mind has pretty much been settled, but who will she choose? Will Alejandro and Noah's feud scale any higher? Will Courtney and Gwen be friends for real? Will Chef stops stealing my pop tarts? Find out next time on Total…Drama…_Wooooooorld Toooooouuuur_!"

* * *

**Votes:**

DJ - DJ

Bridgette - DJ

Lindsay - DJ

...

DJ -3

* * *

**Read and review.**

**Gracias Totales,  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	9. The Aftermath II

**Chapter 9: The Aftermath II**

The Total Drama Aftermath intro music plays as the show's display card flashes on the screen before showing a series of highlights from the season:

…

"I'm wearing this kilt because we are now in the Highlands of Scotland!" Chris exclaimed.

"Scotland?" Lindsay asked. "Oh my God, is this my ex-boyfriend Scott's land? He did have a big house but I didn't remember it was this big!"

"How her brain is able to function well enough for her to breathe is one of nature's inexplicable mysteries." Noah remarked sarcastically.

…

"Look Sierra, everything's gonna be alright." Cody said. "Believe me, we hate Heather. We like you a lot more even if you got voted out."

"Pretty surprising consolation considering you voted her off." Chris said.

"WHAT?" Sierra exclaimed.

"CHRIS!" Cody yelled in anger.

"What? The Freedom of Information act compels me to tell her even if I don't want to." Chris said. "…But I do want to. Ha!"

…

"Hey Noah." Owen said.

"Yeah." Noah replied.

"Do you wonder why we're here?" Owen asked.

"Yeah. It's one of life's greatest mysteries, isn't it?" Noah asked, rhetorically. "Why are we here? Are we the product of some kind of cosmic coincidence or is there a God actually watching everything? Is life a simple game of happenstance or is there some plan and purpose for all of us? I don't know, Owen; but sometimes it keeps me up at night."

"I meant why we are hiding behind these crates that are right in the sun when we could be hiding behind those that are there in the shade." Owen explained.

"Oh, I guess we could go back there." Noah remarked.

…

"Children!" Chris called out after entering. "Answer a question. Other than revolutions, art, sightseeing, cowardice and snobbery what is Paris famous for?"

"Mimes." Gwen said.

"Long lines." Noah added.

"Really tiny food portions." Owen said.

"Soccer players who headbutt people." Tyler commented.

"No." Chris said.

…

"Look Cody, I'm sorry." DJ said. "But I had to save these pandas, man."

"F/_bleep_/k you, DJ." Cody told DJ in a deadpan tone with a furious face. "F/_bleep_/k you all over the place."

…

"OK." Alejandro said, his face and expression twisted in disgust. "Tyler, you take the bucket of bull testicles and elephant piss and drop them on Rand Paul when I give you the cue."

"Why do I have to touch…_that_?" Tyler asked, disgusted.

"Because you're the team b/_bleep_/ch." Izzy answered. "Now do it!"

…

"Anyway, breaking into Chris' room and stealing his contestant files wasn't too hard." Izzy said. "I browsed through Bridgette's a bit and it's pretty precise, it has everything important she's ever since she joined the show."

"Great." Alejandro said.

"I also browsed through yours…Alejandro Serafino Nicéforo Onofre Burromuerto." Izzy said teasingly.

…

"Hey Gwen! Wassup?" The crazy girl exclaimed.

"Nothing much, just being harassed by an unnaturally vengeful shark." Gwen said.

"Need some help with that?" Izzy asked.

"If you wouldn't mind."

…

"Well, looks like you did go down onto the floor, señorita." Alejandro teased.

"Go down on yourself!" Heather yelled.

* * *

Once again the Total Drama Aftermath title card appeared as the theme song played and a fade in shot introduced the old Total Drama Aftermath Studio and the cheering crowd applauding the host, Geoff.

"Hello dudes and dudettes, welcome to another exciting issue of Total Drama World Tour Aftermath!" The blonde teen exclaimed, earning applause from the audience. "Joining me as always is the Total Drama House Band led by my good friend and co-host, Trent!"

The camera turned towards the far-left side of the stage, where Trent was standing in front of a microphone, holding his guitar while a band made-up of nameless interns carrying instruments accompanied him.

"Hey guys!" Trent waved at the audience.

"And of course, the Total Drama Peanut Gallery!" Geoff exclaimed. "Welcoming again, the Handsome Justin."

The camera turned to Justin, who blew a kiss to the audience.

"The Delightful Duo Katie and Sadie!"

The camera turned to the two girls, who promptly squealed and hugged each other.

"The Adorkable Beth!"

The camera turned to the wannabe girl, who waved and said "hi".

"The Dashing Brady!"

The wannabe's boyfriend pulled her close and smooched her lips.

"The Female Atlas, Eva!"

The camera switched to the tough girl, who growled at the audience.

"The Coolest Nerd, Harold!"

The camera turned to the dork, who gave a karate chopped to the air and posed.

"The Bootlyicious LeShawna!"

The camera turned to the black girl, who waved at the camera.

"And Homeschool Ezekiel!"

The camera turned to the country boy, who was still glum after being the first eliminated once more.

"And we're all here to entertain you with the gossip, the interviews and the latest buzz about Total Drama World Tour and its contestants!" Geoff exclaimed. "Today we have three guests who were kicked off the show, some in very dramatic ways! By request of our new producer here in Aftermath, we're starting with the latest to be eliminated and then we'll go backwards from that…so give it up for my main man, DJ!"

Suddenly, much to the surprise of the audience, a large robotic claw descended from the ceiling and reached into the backstage area to pull out the Jamaican teenager and drop him down on the interview couch.

"Oh yeah, you guys might be wondering about the claw. Yeah, ever since LeShawna refused to come onto the stage last week because she was afraid to face Harold, our new producer suggested we use this baby. It's the Claw and it's awesome!" Geoff cheered. "Look at what it can do!"

The blonde boy pulled out a remote control and pressed a button, which caused the Claw to reach backstage and then bring in a box of donuts and some smoothies, which it proceeded to hand out to him, DJ and the Peanut Gallery.

"…And for this we can thank our brand new producer, Miss Parker Kovak! Come on out, Parker!" Geoff exclaimed.

The blonde host looked off-stage and off-screen he saw somebody making hand gestures.

"Come on, don't be shy! Don't make me use the claw!" Geoff called out sheepishly.

Then, the curtain on the left of the stage was pulled aside and a woman popped out from it, showing only the top half of her body. She was a tall, skinny, pale woman with black hair and a Eastern European face. She was wearing a white shirt and had headphones with a small microphone attached. She waved at the audience shyly.

"Hey guys, I'm Parker." She said.

"Isn't she awesome! Thanks, Parks!" Geoff exclaimed.

The woman hid away again and Geoff turned to DJ.

"DJ, eliminated before the merge again. It's gotta be tough, man." Geoff said.

"Yeah, it sucks but it could've been worse, I could have gotten cursed by some dog mummy in Egypt and started harmin' a lot of innocent animals throughout the season." DJ said.

"That seems very unlikely. Even kinda stupid." Beth said.

"I know…Izzy suggested that while we were in Jamaica." DJ said. "That chick is outta her mind."

"Don't we all know that." Geoff said. "Still, it's good to have you here since now you can make us and the audience some of your awesome sandwiches for the next show! Isn't that right, audience?"

The audience cheered audibly and DJ chuckled in embarrassment.

"I guess I'll make a bunch for the next show." DJ said.

"Now Deej, we have a fan web cam caller who wants to ask you a question, dude!" Geoff announced.

The Aftermath screen descended into view and everybody turned to it as the screen went to static and then turned to the image of a familiar face in the Aftermath studio. A young twenty-something redhead with an angry stare and a chef's outfit. Gordon the cook from Ontario, a web cam caller from the previous season.

"Well, well, well. We meet again, you jackass." Gordon growled.

"What?" DJ asked, surprised.

"You don't remember me, do you?" Gordon muttered angrily.

"Not really, sorry man." DJ apologized.

"I'm Gordon, from London." Gordon yelled.

"'Ello guv'nor!" Geoff exclaimed.

"London, Ontario. We did the same thing last season! How come you can't f/_bleep_/ing remember me you dumbf/_bleep_/k!" Gordon cursed.

"Dude, chill. You had a question for DJ?" Geoff asked.

"Um, yeah. Since you sort of ruined my life by getting me obsessed with your secret ingredient, which cost me my job, my girlfriend and my apartment, you might as well tell me what the secret is ingredient is? That way at least I'll see the light at the end of this long, long, long, overwhelmingly long tunnel." Gordon said, looking desperate.

"I'm sorry, dude, but it's a family secret. I can't give it away. Sorry, y'all." DJ apologized.

Gordon stared, bewildered and shocked for a few seconds before replying.

"That's it! That's f/_bleep_/ing it! I've spent a year of my god f/_bleep_/ing life on this sh/_bleep_/t! You've ruined me! I'm gonna get you, you f/_bleep_/ing son of a bi…"

Before Gordon could continue his expletive-laden rage, the camera cut to static and Parker appeared from behind the side-stage curtain to make signals at Geoff, who after a brief moment realized what she meant.

"Oh, OK guys. We have to go to a brief commercial break while our producer deals with the censors, who are on the phone and are very angry. We'll see you again after these brief messages!"

* * *

The screen shows a scenic view of a very beautiful prairie. Suddenly, a voice-over spoken by Chef Hatcher can be heard.

"Nature, it's a beautiful thing, isn't it? I asked you a question maggot! The answer, in case you're a moron, is that yes, nature is very goddamn beautiful!" Chef's voice over yelled at the viewer. "But, other than beautiful, nature is also pretty f/_bleep_/ing nasty!"

Suddenly, images of hissing snakes, pouncing cougars, mauling bears, howling wolves, biting sharks, jumping orcas, stinging bees, exploding beavers and lemmings leaping off cliffs and crushing people's heads with their bodies upon hitting them flash across the screen. Chef Hatchet appears on screen in his full-military outfit. He is holding a horse whip and slaps it against a nearby wall.

"I'm Chef Hatchet from the Total Drama series and being a tortuous cook just ain't cuttin' my finances recently, so I'm tryin' to make more money from my new wilderness survival course, 'Hatchet's Blood, Death, War and Horror Happy-Go-Lucky Children's Wilderness Survival Camp'!" Hatchet yelled at the screen. "In my survival camp, we'll teach yo child to fight off nature's most deadly creatures unarmed! Because in today's wild times, every child needs to be able to brutally, mercilessly, sadistically and savagely murder large predatory forest animals with their bare hands! And I know what you're sayin': 'Oh, I live in the middle of a liberal, hippie-ass, progressive city, there ain't no wild animals here', WRONG! I am personally gonna let loose wild animals in every big city in Canada to convince you otherwise! So sign up your child for a course in 'Hatchet's Blood, Death, War and Horror Happy-Go-Lucky Children's Wilderness Survival Camp' or your child will die!"

Then static.

* * *

"Welcome back, dudes and dudettes!" Geoff exclaimed, facing the camera. "…And I gotta say, that guy was messed up."

"There's been more messed up people appear on those things." Eva said.

"I doubt there's anybody crazier than Cook McSwearcrazy." Justin replied.

"What ab'oot Izzy?" Ezekiel remarked.

"I mean on these video calls." Justin added.

"What about that crazy chick who had a stuffed life-sized Trent doll as her 'boyfriend'?" Eva posed rhetorically.

"Right!" Beth exclaimed. "What was her name? Kelsey, I think?

"Oh yeah!" Geoff exclaimed. "Remember that Trent? From last season?"

The camera turned to the musician, who blushed embarrassed and covered his face with his hand.

"Don't remind me. That girl started stalking me afterwards. I had to pay Izzy to out-crazy her so she'd get off my case." Trent muttered.

"That girl was so awesome!" Katie exclaimed.

"Totally! She like almost loved Trent as much as I do, but she couldn't possibly since no one loves Trent more than me." Sadie said.

"Hey, no one loves Trent more than _me_!" Katie countered.

"No, _me_!" Sadie countered.

"_Me_!"

"_Me_!"

"_Me_!"

"_Me_!"

Just as it appeared that the girls were about to begin attacking each other a tranquilizer dart struck each of them in the neck, knocking them both out cold and causing them to fall off the Peanut Gallery and onto the stage floor. From the sidelines, Parker was aiming at the two girls with a tranquilizer rifle.

"Thanks Parks!" Geoff exclaimed.

The two unconscious girls began to snore loudly, which made a lot of noise and disrupted the microphones.

"Think you can take them to the make-up room?" Geoff asked.

"Sure." Parker answered. "I'll get Chicago to help me."

The young producer looked backstage and called after "Chicago".

"Who's Chicago, dude?" DJ asked.

"Oh, it's Parker's assistant. I've never seen him though, Parker mostly keeps him and her other assistants on the sidelines." Geoff answered.

Then, Parker emerged from backstage and headed over to the two unconscious BFFFFs while accompanied by her assistant Chicago…who turned out to be not exactly what anyone imagined.

Chicago turned out to be a tall, blonde woman who for all intents and purposes was the hottest woman all the boys on the set had ever seen. Their discretion was not helped by the fact that she was wearing a thoroughly inappropriate-for-work, short, red dress. All the men in the audience erupted into whistles and howls when she entered the stage.

"Thank you, guys. You're too nice." Chicago said, in a classic dumb blonde voice.

"Help me pick them up, Chicago." Parker said, holding Sadie up by her arms and beginning to drag her out off-stage.

Chicago followed suit, bending over to pick-up Katie by the arms and giving the men in the audience and the stage a view they'd not soon forget. The producer and her assistant dragged the two girls off the stage and were met with "aws" and "boos" when Chicago disappeared backstage.

"Now Deej, we have a new segment on the show that we'll be premiering with you!" Geoff announced.

"Really? Cool! What's it called, dude?" DJ asked.

"It's called 'What I Did On My Summer Vacation' and it involves showing a clip from what you did while in between Total Drama Action and Total Drama World Tour!" Geoff exclaimed.

The audience cheered as DJ looked at Geoff with disquiet.

"Um…what kinda clip exactly?" DJ asked.

"A humiliating one, dude!" Geoff exclaimed. "Parks, roll the clip!"

The Aftermath Screen lit up with static and then footage began to roll.

* * *

On screen, a large semi-Olympic pool appeared. The pool was located in the backyard of a very large house in a small suburban Canadian town. Standing next to the pool were Courtney and a very scared-looking DJ.

"OK DJ, it's just a pool. There's no monsters, wild animals or any of Chris' evil tricks in there." Courtney said, trying to soothe the big guy.

"I know…but I don't think I need swimming lessons." The scared teen said. "I swam in season one, didn't I?"

"Yes, but under pressure and you've barely been able to do so since. I'm here to help you learn how to swim properly and without fear." Courtney said. "Now jump in and we'll start."

The big guy slowly approached the pool and stretched out his foot, slowly descending it to the water. As soon aws his big toe touched the water, a small circular wave emerged and scared DJ into leaping in fear into Courtney's arms while he screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Something moved!"

"That was your toe." Courtney groaned, annoyed but trying to control her temper.

"You sure?"

"Yes, now get in." Courtney said, more assertive.

DJ got off Courtney's arms and once again crept slowly to the pool. He once again stretched out his foot and lowered it to the pool, taking a long, long, long, long, long, long, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, painfully, painfully, painfully, painfully, painfully, painfully, painfully, long, long, long, long time. As his toe was about to touch the water, Courtney finally got fed up.

"Get in the damn water!" She screamed.

The Jamaican team leaped into the air in fear and fell into the water. As he emerged he began to kick and scream to stay afloat.

"Help! Help! Help!"

Courtney slammed her palm against her face and groaned.

"This is gonna take a long time…"

* * *

Roaring laughter tore across the studio as everyone in the Aftermath show pointed and chuckled at the image of DJ being fished out of the water by an aggravated Courtney. Even Eva was chuckling lightly at the video.

"That is not cool, dude!" DJ exclaimed, annoyed.

"You're kidding? It's hilarious!" Geoff exclaimed.

"I haven't laughed as hard since I watched "_Return Of The Jedi_" and realized that the Empire was defeated by Ewoks!" Harold exclaimed.

"You're just incapable of saying anything not dorky, aren't you?" Justin commented snidely.

"Don't you be annoyin' my man!" LeShawna threatened Justin.

"You two are back together?" Justin asked.

"We got back together in the last Aftermath!" LeShawna exclaimed.

"Really?"

"Yes. He sang an annoying amateur rap and she danced horribly to it before they kissed and made-up here in the studio." Eva said. "How did you not notice that torture?"

"I was busy fixing my hair after a light draught moved it slightly out of place." Justin explained.

"I remember!" Beth exclaimed. "For a split second, Justin looked not perfect! It was traumatizing!"

"Don't you have a boyfriend? And isn't he right next t to you?" Eva asked, rhetorically.

"But there's nobody next to her." Brady said, pointing out that to Beth's left there was nobody sitting down.

"I meant you." Eva pointed out, annoyed.

Brady looked at himself and realized that, indeed, he was sitting next to Beth and, indeed, he was her boyfriend.

"Oooh, right." Brady cooed in realization.

"Brady is my boyfriend and I love him." The geeky girl said, giving her boyfriend a peck in the cheek. "But I still can't deny that Justin's looks are absolute perfection."

"She's right." Justin said before smiling at the audience and causing all the women in it (half the audience) to faint.

"OK guys, now it's time to bring out our second guest!" Geoff exclaimed. "He's a jock who doesn't do sports, though not due to lack of trying, and whose beloved girlfriend only remembered he existed three episodes ago! Give it up for Tyler!"

The claw reached backstage and brought out Tyler. However, halfway across the stage the claw stopped dead on its tracks, almost throwing Tyler off, which would have resulted in a ten foot drop.

"Um, what's goin' on?" Tyler asked in fear, clutching onto the claw.

"Looks like the claw's broken again." Geoff commented. "Don't worry Tyler; we'll get it going again!"

The blonde cowboy turned to Harold in the Peanut Gallery.

"Harold, you fixed it last time. What do we do?" Geoff asked.

"Elementary, my dear Geoffrey." Harold said, speaking in his usual 'know-it-all' stance, in which he had his eyes closed, a finger pointing up in the air and a cocky little smile on his face. "Pass me the remote!"

The blonde host tossed the nerd a large remote control with a tiny red-sphere capped antenna and the nerd subsequently began tinkering with the buttons. After a few clicks and blips, the claw was reanimated and promptly threw Tyler to the stage floor with unceremonious violence. As soon as Tyler thought he couldn't feel any more pain, the claw promptly curled into a fist and slammed down on his stomach. Just as he began to welcome the concept of dying then and there, the claw rose into the air again, giving him hope of survival for a brief second before the robotic fist came crashing down on his stomach once again, only to repeat this process many more times until Harold finally found the off-switch.

"Sorry." Harold apologized, blushing embarrassed.

"No biggie." Tyler choked out in pain.

The talentless jock slowly got up, aided by Tyler and DJ until he and the latter managed to take a seat in the interviewee couch.

"You OK, dude?" Geoff asked.

"Yeah." Tyler groaned. "I took a worse hit on the last football season."

"I thought you got cut before the first game last football season?" DJ remarked.

"Yes, but they didn't know that." Tyler scolded at DJ.

"Sorry, bro."

"I was actually asking if you're OK, show-wise." Geoff said. "I mean, you did get kicked out 'cause you're dating Lindsay."

"I did?" Tyler asked, surprised.

"Alejandro convinced the others to vote you off 'cause of that." Geoff added.

"He did?"

"Yup dude."

"That's mean." Tyler said.

"Yeah, Al's not a cool dude. In fact, he's kind of a jerk." Geoff said, leaning back on the couch.

"Oh right! I'm sorry, dude!" Tyler said, apologizing.

"Sorry for what?"

"You know the whole Alejandro thing with Bridgette." Tyler said.

"Oh, in Russia? Nah, don't worry dude. She realized he was a manipulative jerk. I don't hold it against her." Geoff said, relaxed.

"No I mean in the last…"

Before Tyler could finish his sentence, Parker bolted across the stage and slammed her palm on top of Tyler's mouth, shutting him up.

"I'm sorry! We'll be right back after a brief commercial break!" Parker exclaimed.

The cameras turned away and Parker quickly dragged Tyler to the backstage area, followed by DJ.

"What was that all about?" Tyler asked, confused.

"Dude, didn't you pay attention at the briefin' we got before the show?" DJ asked.

"Um…I remember something about sandwiches." Tyler muttered, scratching the back of his head.

"We haven't told Geoff about the whole Bridgette-Alejandro thing yet." Parker said. "We edited the tapes of the show to leave that out."

"How'd you fill in the space? There was a lot of stuff with those two." Tyler remarked.

"We added like ten minutes of Nyan Cat footage." Parker answered. "The point is, Geoff nearly had a seizure when those two almost kissed in Russia. If he finds out she might leave him for Alejandro, he'll die! You can't mention it again."

"OK, I got it. I didn't know. Sorry." Tyler apologized.

"It's OK. Now you both go back out there and act normal."

The two special guests returned to the stage and sat down on the interviewee couch just as the commercial for McClean (unrelated to Chris McClean) Brand Adult Diapers finished.

"What was that about, dude?" Geoff asked.

"Um…Oh, Parker wanted to tell us about…um…the show's…sandwich regulations!" Tyler answered.

"Oh, yeah. She made me take her sandwich rule course like three times before the season started!" Geoff exclaimed. "How did you get it done so quickly?"

"'Cause I'm a sandwich expert!" DJ interjected.

"Oh, right." Geoff said, satisfied with the response.

Tyler and DJ wiped the sweat off their brows and sighed in relief in an unsuspicious manner. Parker appeared from the sideline and signaled Geoff.

"…And we're back!" Geoff exclaimed. "So Tyler, how's it like dating a chick who probably doesn't always remember she's a chick?"

"Lindsay so does remember she's a chick. She's always fine and feminine." Tyler said. "She's the prettiest, nicest, coolest, gorgeoustest…"

"That's not a w'oord, Tyler." Ezekiel corrected. "It would be 'most gorgeous'."

"…Most gorgeous, most loyal girl on the show." Tyler concluded. "Maybe even in the world!"

The girls in the audience and in the Peanut Gallery (save for Eva) all swooned at the comment.

"The _most loyal_, huh?" Geoff asked.

"Sure…unlike Bri…"

Before he could finish the comment, Tyler noticed a small red laser pointer dot on his neck. Looking to the sidelines, he noticed Parker aiming a tranquilizer rifle.

"I mean…yeah, most loyal girl ever." Tyler said.

The laser pointer dot moved away.

"Well then, why don't you say that to our next video callers?" Geoff said.

The Aftermath screen lit up with static before showing the image of two twenty-something Japanese men. Both were identical physically speaking, save for the fact that one had dyed white hair and the other had natural jet black hair. The white haired one wore white pants and a white dress shirt while the black haired one wore black pants and a sleeveless white shirt with a red rising sun imprint on it.

"Say hello to twins Ken and Kyle Kawasaki, a.k.a. two of Lindsay's ex-boyfriends." Geoff announced.

"It's Katayanagi. Kawasaki is a motorbike company." Kyle, the white-haired twin said.

"We're the Katayanagi Twins." Ken, the black-haired twin added.

"Lindsay dated twins?" Tyler asked, almost rhetorically.

The twins nodded.

"That is so hot!" Tyler exclaimed.

"No dude, dating twins is only hot if they're girl twins." Geoff said.

"Oh."

"These twins were apparently hot for Lindsay, though, since she dated them both…at the same time!" Geoff exclaimed.

The audience gasped at the revelation.

"That is true." Kyle said.

"She cheated on us." Ken added.

"With each other." They both said in unison.

"Did anyone else find them talking in unison incredibly creepy?" Justin asked.

The Peanut Gallery nodded.

"Cool, then it's not just me."

"Why would she do that?" Tyler asked. "Lindsay is totally sweet."

"Well…she didn't know she was cheating." Ken said, scratching the back of his head.

"She forgot she was dating me and started dating my brother here." Kyle added.

"Then she forgot she was dating my brother and kept dating me." Ken said.

"When we found out…"

"…we got kind of mad…"

"…and we both broke up with her…"

"…and yelled some mean things at her."

"The thing with completing each other's sentences is pretty creepy too." Justin said.

"So she was loyal!" Tyler exclaimed, victorious. "She just didn't know about it!"

"In a way yes…" Kyle said.

"…but be warned…" Ken added.

"…she will forget you at some point…"

"…and date some other guy…"

"…before she realizes her mistake."

"Seriously creepy." Justin remarked.

"Be warned!" The twins exclaimed in unison before ending the video call.

"They just kept on getting creepier and creepier." Justin commented.

Loud noises, crashing sounds and angry yells erupted from backstage as running footsteps were heard on the sidelines. Finally, the source of the commotion revealed itself as a blonde, thirty-something woman wearing a red dress jumped onto the stage.

"Not her again." Geoff groaned.

"Hello everyone, this is your favorite celebrity commentator, Blainley Stacey Andrews-O'Hallaran." Blainley announced."…And I'm back!"

The audience booed audibly at the blonde woman's appearance, which gravely irritated her.

"What do you jerks know about talent?" She remarked bitterly.

"Um Blainley, I thought we'd made it clear in the last Aftermath…you don't work here anymore." Geoff said, annoyed.

"What do you mean?" Blainley asked, rhetorically and angrily.

"It means that you nearly killed us all in your stupid attempts to stir up the drama so you got fired." Geoff said. "How did you get past security?"

"Taser." Blainley said, extracting said device from an ankle holster.

"Well, you clearly didn't meet the new head of security we hired specifically to keep you out." Geoff said.

Suddenly, a large figure fell from the roof and landed standing behind Blainley.

"What?"

The blonde celebinator turned around to meet her match: a large, stoic Russian man carrying a shotgun.

"That's Vladislav "The Siberian" Faustin." Geoff said.

"Will you leave peacefully or will I have to shoot you out?" Vladislav asked in a noticeable Russian accent while pointing his shotgun at Blainley.

"I'll go now but you haven't seen the last of me!" Blainley yelled while being escorted away by the Russian security chief.

"Anyway…Tyler dude, you seem pretty confident about you and Lindsay." Geoff said. "You know, even with what those two Katamari dudes just said."

"Lindsay already remembered me and she won't forget me again, she pinkie double dog barley crossed-finger sweared it." Tyler replied.

"OK then…I guess it's time to bring out the last guest of the night!" Geoff exclaimed. "…And the most dramatic one as well!"

The audience cheered at the prospect.

"She's got info on every member of the cast; she has restraining orders from different people in all six provinces; she spent all her time on the show being obsessed with our resident lovable loser and she ended up getting betrayed by her one, true, slightly-creepy love." Geoff announced. "…And due to requests from the head producers of Total Drama she'll be performing a song about it tonight!"

The audience cheered.

"Please welcome…Sierra!"

A soft piano scale played across the studio as the set went dark, and the piano melody was the only thing audible for a few seconds until a spotlight blared up, illuminating Sierra sitting on top of the playing piano holding a microphone and the audience began to cheer.

The girl was wearing a long, ankle-length lavender dress and was wearing her hair in a bun, with the addition of a small flower on the top of the bun.

The piano intro stopped playing and the pianist went over to a keyboard, while Trent strapped on an electric guitar and began to play deep chords, accompanied by a baseline and a one beat drum rhythm. The keyboardist began to play a brief intro riff and as soon as this one concluded Sierra began to sing (not too well) accompanied by the one beat backing of the drums. With each verse the went past, Sierra began to sing more angrily.

"_**Hello…again, my only friend  
**__**I thought…we'd make…it through!**_" She sang, bitterly.

As the verse ended, Trent and the base player played three smashing chords on their respective instruments, which they would do at the end of every verse in the first part of the song.

"_**Now it's…the end  
**__**And I've…got none...to say…to you!**_" She sang.

The band played the three chords and as Sierra sang the next verse, Trent accompanied by playing the same notes she sang with heavy pedal distortion effect.

"_**You turned…your face  
**__**And set…my world…ablaze!**_"

The girl stood on the piano and practically shouted the following verse.

"_**A shift…of shape  
**__**And you're…not who…I thought…you were!**_"

As the melody switched into the chorus, Sierra leaped off the piano and sung passionately to the cheers of the audience and the accompanying of the Aftermath Band. Trent and the keyboard player chorused the high notes after Sierra sang them.

"_**Inside my heart, you lit a fire  
**__**I sent my love down the wire  
**__**And it thought you wou-u-uuuuuld  
**__**(Oooooo-ooooo-oooo)  
**__**Say it to me too-oooo-oooo  
**__**(Oooooo-ooooo-oooo)  
**__**But insteeeeeeead!  
**__**You threw me awaaaaaaay!**_"

The fangirl sat down on the piano again and listened in as the band played an interlude. However, before the band switched back to the verse section again, Sierra stopped them from playing on.

"I'm sorry; I can't sing any more." Sierra said, at the verge of tears.

"It's OK, girl." LeShawna said. "We get it."

The purple haired girl got off the piano and walked over to the interviewee couch, where she sat down sadly and was given a few friendly pats in the back by DJ and Tyler.

"I can handle it, I don't really care any more." Sierra said, trying to put on a straight face.

"Really? You don't care that the boy you loved and for whom you dedicated so much and effort for stabbed you in the back without remorse?" Geoff asked, hoping to stir up the pot.

"N-no." Sierra said, biting her lip and holding back the tears.

"You don't care that your team preferred having to put up with Ice Queen Heather instead of you? That the boy you love preferred having to deal with Heather instead of you?" Geoff asked, sheepishly.

At that point, Sierra finally burst into tears again. Geoff sat back before being slapped across the head by an angry LeShawna, who'd gotten off her seat and walked over to him.

"What's wrong with you, boy?" LeShawna asked, angry. "I thought Bridgette had straightened out this little cutthroat attitude of yours last season!"

"Hey, I still have to get some ratings for the show…and besides it's only the truth." Geoff said.

"Cody don't prefer Heather over her, nobody does!" LeShawna yelled.

"Still, Cody didn't care for her too much either. I mean, who actually thought she'd end up winning him over with her whole stalker obsession thing?" Geoff asked the Peanut Gallery.

The members of the Gallery rubbed the backs of their necks and looked away trying to avoid the question.

"See?"

"It's still mean, y'all." LeShawna said.

"Well fine, I'll try to be a little nicer." Geoff said.

"Damn right you will." LeShawna scolded, returning to her seat.

"So…Sierra, when did you first start getting all, you know, stalker-obsessive about Cody?" Geoff asked.

"Well…" Sierra sobbed. "I already thought he was cute when I first saw him when the show first aired, but eh really won me over when I saw him with that cute deer tail during episode nine, 'Paintball Deer Hunter'. When I saw him in that full-body cast later in the same episode I just wanted to cover it in signatures, get-well messages and kisses."

The girls in the audience went "awww" to the response.

"When did you first start actually stalking Cody?" Geoff asked.

"As soon as he came back to Toronto after Total Drama Action." Sierra answered. "I had to take a three hour bus ride every weekend to get to his house and it was getting kind of expensive until Celebrity Manhunt offered to pay me to stalk him and get dirt on him. It was my dream job! Getting paid to learn stuff about my Cody-poo!"

The girls in the audience were a little more creeped out by this answer. Sierra' expression of nostalgic joy then switched to one of hopeless depression.

"…But now I'll never stalk him again because I know he'll never go out with me!" Sierra screamed, bursting into tears as she talked.

The girls in the audience sort of went "awww" and were sort of creeped out by that statement.

"So, you said at the beginning of the season that you had a lot of merchandise and stuff from the show." Geoff began. "Exactly what do you have?"

"Oh God, so much!" Sierra exclaimed, her previous sadness now forgotten. "I have Chris t-shirts, mugs, lamps, underwear, plates and tea sets. I have replica of your cowboy hat, of the wooden skull Duncan gave to Courtney, of Gwen's purple panties from the trust episode, of the curse idol Beth took from Boney Island in episode eight of season one, of Heather's first wig from season two, of Courtney's princess dress from the fairy tale episode of season two and one of the original TD dodgeballs used in episoide three of season one. I also fifteen Princess Courtney dolls, twenty Princess Beth dolls, one of each of the action figures the show released that look like all the cast members, including the ultra rare Noah action figure, mr. Coconut action figure and Nameless Intern Who gets Eaten By Sharks action figure, the..."

"OK! Looks like we have a video caller for Sierra here." Geoff announced, stopping Sierra's diatribe. "It's from someone called 'Knives' from here in Toronto."

The Aftermath screen blared into static and then switched to the image of a young, late adolescent Chinese girl with her dark hair in a ponytail.

"Um…are you Knives?" Geoff asked.

"Yes." The girl answered.

"I didn't figure that somebody called Knives would be…well, a small Chinese girl." Geoff said.

"I'm eighteen, I'm older than you guys, and I'm Chinese-Canadian." Knives answered. "…And I wanted to tell Sierra not to give up hope on Cody."

"No?" Sierra asked.

"No." Knives answered. "I was into this guy, and I mean really in love with him and I guess I went a little overboard. Sort of like you with Cody, but then I realized I was obsessed and idolizing him crazily and that I was being childish and had to cool down. So I did. I stopped being so enraptured with him and started treating him like a normal person instead of some idealized super human and you know what? Everything worked out afterwards."

"So…are you with him?" Sierra asked, hopeful.

"Um…No." Knives answered.

"Oh." Sierra groaned, disappointed.

"Yeah, he actually already had a girlfriend they're still together and they're in love and stuff, but it doesn't matter because now we're friends and we're happy with how things are, even if I'm not dating him." Knives said, encouragingly. "I moved on and we're happy being friends. Also, just because it didn't go that way for me doesn't mean it'll be the same with you. Maybe you will be with him in the end."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. You just have to calm down and start treating him like he's human instead of some God. Because he isn't one." Knives advised.

"Maybe you're right." Sierra said. "I mean, he's really nice and cool and cute but he was kind of mean to vote me off and ignore me most of the season. I guess he isn't totally perfect…At least not totally."

"See? Just be calm and try again in a more…normal way and it'll be OK." Knives advised.

"Thanks Knives." Sierra said.

"You're welcome."

The screen went to static and then switched off as Knives turned off her webcam.

"See Sierra." DJ said. "It's all good."

"Yeah, maybe you and Cody could get to have a relationship as healthy as mine and Bridgette's." Geoff said.

"HA!"

The loud, sardonic chuckle emanated from above the stage. The audience and cast looked up to see Blainley hanging from one of the claw's fingers.

"Your relationship with Bridgette is on the rocks!" She yelled.

"What?"

"It's - WOAH!"

Before the blonde woman could finish her sentence, she slipped and fell off the claw, landing on the stage floor flat on her face. After groaning, dusting herself off and getting up she looked at Geoff once again.

"Your relationship with Bridgette is done for!" Blainley exclaimed.

"What the heck are you talking about, dudette?" Geoff asked, annoyed. "Bridgette and I are perfectly cool."

"You're not! The schmucks on this show have been lying to you! For the past tow or three episodes Alejandro's been making his moves on your precious, saintly Bridgette and she's falling for him!" Blainley announced. "She'll leave you in an episode or two!"

"Bull!" Geoff yelled, angry.

"Not bull! She's gonna leave you for that Spanish hunk, Geoff! Ask that uptight producer of yours!" Blainley growled.

"Get that crazy bi/_bleep_/h out of the studio!" Parker yelled, emerging from the sideline.

Before Blainley could say anything more, Vladislav "The Siberian" dropped from the ceiling and put a rag against her mouth and nose, which being drowned in chloroform, promptly knocked the blonde gossiper out of commission. The Russian security guard hoisted her over his left shoulder and quickly carried her out of the stage.

"Parks, was Blainley telling the truth?" Geoff asked, desperately nervous as he approached the producer.

"What? No! Not at all – no! No, no, no, no!" Parker replied, nervous.

"Parks! Seriously!" Geoff replied, grabbing Parker by the shoulders and shaking her erratically.

The producer sighed uncomfortably.

"Well…Yes. Bridgette is…Well, considering leaving you for Alejandro, yes." Parker answered, terrified.

Geoff stared blankly at the producer, not exactly sure how to process the new information. The sheer shock was too much for his brain to handle, causing it to shut down completely as he let go off Parker, his pupils dilated and he passed out on the stage floor.

"Oh sh/_bleep_/t!" Parker and the Peanut Gallery exclaimed.

"Somebody get him to the show doctor!" Parker exclaimed.

Tyler and DJ ran towards their fallen friend and lifted him by the arms and legs before quickly running backstage to take him to the building's resident doctor. Parker turned to the camera and smiled uncomfortably.

"Well, that's all the time we have for today…" She said, nervous. "We'll see you next time on Total Drama Aftermath and I hope that you tune in to watch the rest of the cast on Total Drama World Tour! Jesus, I hope I don't get fired for this!"

* * *

**Wow, this is the first time since the first two chapters that I publish two things for this story in one month, even though this is half the length of what I usually write for this story. Still. Achievement!**

**Please review.**

**Gracias Totales,  
****Mr. Panama Red.**


	10. I See London

**Chapter 10: I See London…**

"Last time, on Total Drama World Tour…the cast took a trip to Jamaica, mon! Where I learnt to speak Iyaric and me little rudeboys had some licklle fwa'gwa in dealin' wit the bloodclots we tru in their way…Real Babylon ting and ting. But anyway, they took on wave after wave of angry sea creatures , or rather the sea creatures took _them_ on and down, to rescue some of Chef's golden chains in the first challenge."

After that, a little limbo, singing and dancing lightened the mood as the children competed to see what team would lose a contestant. They went as low as they'd ever gone and got down and dirty to see who would be safe from elimination, which wound up being the poor schmucks in the now ironically named Team Victory. Seriously, those guys doomed themselves by picking that name, they should have known that from the start.

Speaking of getting down and dirty, that's just what Alejandro did, wooing sweet, naïve Bridgette with his Latin charm and leaving her all romantically confusion. In the end, my youth DJ bit the farm and got eliminated and things are getting spicy as we enter the second half of the season and the best are left on board. Who will be the bestest of the bestest? Who will be the worstest of the bestest? And who will be somethingest of the nothingest? I'm not even sure what I just said, all I know is that you have to watch tonight's awesome, bizarre, exciting and oh so absurdly bizarre episode of Total Drama _Woooooorld Touuuuuur_!"

* * *

The economy class of the Jumbo Jet was not something that the girls of Team Amazon could easily bear. Team Victory was used to it and Team Chris was boys and Izzy, who pretty much weren't too concerned with personal hygiene or structural cleanliness, but Team Amazon was girls and Cody, who had difficulties in ignoring the disgusting dilapidated state of the economy class. However, what disturbed them more than the filth and the possibility of the floor breaking off below them into a deadly oblivion was the fact that in the economy class they had to eat Chef's "food".

"What's for dinner today, Chef?" Courtney asked, resting her tray on the counter from which Chef gave them their food in the mess hall cabin.

"Tonight we have a lot of fine, fine culinary options." Chef said, proudly. "We have egg and spam; bacon and spam; sausage and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, eggs, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, eggs, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; and Lobster Thermidor aux Crevette with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy with a fried egg on top and spam."

"Do you have anything without spam in it?" Courtney asked, disgruntled.

"Spam, eggs, bacon, sausage and spam doesn't have too much spam in it." Chef said.

"I don't want any spam." Courtney grumbled.

Chef was getting irritated but knew better than to piss off Courtney.

"Why can't you just have egg, bacon, sausage and spam?" Gwen asked, approaching the counter behind Courtney.

"That's got spam in it." Courtney said.

"Not as much as spam, eggs, spam, spam, bacon and spam." Gwen replied.

"I don't want any spam." Courtney growled, before turning to Chef. "Look Chef, can't you just give me egg, bacon, sausage and spam without the spam?"

"Uggh!" Chef exclaimed, disgusted.

"What do you mean 'uggh'? I don't like spam!" Courtney yelled.

"Look Courtney, just ask for the egg, bacon, sausage and spam and I'll eat your spam." Gwen said. "I like spam."

Courtney sighed, relieved that she'd be getting dinner but angered that Chef had won by serving her something with spam even though she wasn't going to eat the spam.

"Thanks Gwen." Courtney said.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **I'm kinda happy that Courtney and I aren't at each other's throats all the time like last season. She's kind of a good friend, actually, even if she can get bitchy. I guess I owe my mom and apology for calling her a loony when she said Courtney and I could get to be friends some day.

**Courtney – **I'm surprised Gwen would be so selfless. Eating spam for me? That's the most selfless thing anyone has ever done for me. I guess I could do something for her too, I mean she _ate spam for me_; it's the biggest sacrifice I can think of…

* * *

The camera shows producer Damian Hellburn sitting in a dark room with a single spotlight shinning over him.

"Hello, I'm Total Drama Executive Producer and Co-Creator Damian Hellburn and I would like to point out that Courtney's absurd dislike of spam in no way reflects the opinion of spam that we have here in the Total Drama staff." Damian explained. "We here in the Total Drama Production Crew love spam and not just because Chapman Spam is one of our sponsors; we truly believe that spam is the most disgusting…delicious form of crapped…canned meat in the world. Those things I just said there were not Freudian slips, I actually love crap…spam. Goddamn it! Buy spam!"

Static.

* * *

In first class, things were going a little smoother for the Team Chris boys (and Izzy) who had a buffet of delicious culinary wonders at their disposal.

"It's like he broke into my house and copied my mom's turducken recipe." Owen said, picking food out of the buffet table.

"Turducken?" Noah asked.

"It's a chicken stuffed in a duck, stuffed in a turkey. Turducken." Owen answered. "This turducken tastes exactly like my mom's, it even has the super spicy Jamaican pepper sauce on top of it!"

"If I know Chrism he probably keeps secret files on us based on stuff he learnt from spying on us." Noah remarked.

"Oh, he does!" Izzy exclaimed. "I looked through them when I broke into his cabin on an errand."

"An errand for whom?" Noah asked.

"For A…"

"Izzy, isn't it about time for your daily yipping session?" Alejandro asked, spontaneously.

"Of course!" Izzy exclaimed.

The crazy girl began to do back-flips around first class while exclaiming "yip" over and over. Noah looked at Alejandro suspiciously, knowing he was hiding something, though he was distracted when Izzy bounced off his head with her yipping.

"Isn't she adorable?" Owen asked, before taking a sip of his glass of milk.

"Like a panda eating a puppy." Noah replied.

Owen burst into tearing laughter, shooting milk out of his nose and spraying it on Noah's back.

"Hey!" The bookworm exclaimed.

"Sorry Noah, I couldn't help it. What you said was so funny!" Owen exclaimed, still laughing.

"I don't like spam!" Courtney's voice rung out from the economy class.

"Oh! They have spam in the economy class!" Owen exclaimed. "I hope they have spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam!"

Owen bolted out the door to the economy cabin and Noah soon followed after Izzy bounced off his head once again during her yipping.

As the duo entered the economy class, the losing castmates looked at them curiously.

"What are you two winner boys doing among us mortals?" Gwen asked sarcastically.

"Owen wanted spam." Noah answered.

"Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, wonderful spam!" Owen chanted as Chef served him a plateful of spam.

"I see." Gwen replied.

The bookworm sat on the same table as the Amazons and Owen followed suit, rapaciously devouring his spam.

"Plus we wanted to get away from Izzy during her yipping session and Alejandro during…well, during his general existence on this Earth." Noah added.

"Hey Cody, long time no speak." Noah said.

"Yeah, I've been busy with the ladies." Cody said, putting his arm around Gwen's shoulder.

"First warning." Gwen said bitterly.

"Sure." Cody replied, moving away his arm and inching away from Gwen on the bench.

"Yes, being raised by teenage girls in a reality show must occupy time." Noah remarked sarcastically.

"I don't understand what you have against Alejandro." Bridgette commented from her table, where she was sitting with Lindsay. "He's a good guy."

"By standards established during the Third Reich, I guess." Noah replied.

"You're just a cynic." Bridgette said, defensively.

"Undeniable but Alejandro is still bad news." Noah said.

"Girls, help me out with this. What do you think of Alejandro?" Bridgette asked.

"He seems alright." Gwen replied.

"I think he's a perfect gentleman." Courtney answered.

"He's a cool guy." Cody answered.

"He's really nice." Lindsay replied.

"He's a jerk." Heather said.

"See, they all agree with me. Except for Heather and if Heather dislikes somebody they can't be that bad." Bridgette said.

"If truth were a democracy you'd be right, but alas. Also, if anyone Heather dislikes is a good person, Chris would be a good person." Noah shot back.

"I think you're stretching it." Bridgette replied.

"Heed my warning or be damned." Noah replied sardonically.

"Attention maggots!" Chef yelled over the P.A. "This is Captain Chef givin' you the routine threat announcement in which in which I tell you that if you're not on the cargo deck in ten minutes, I'm gonna hunt you down and make you into spam!"

The teens in the mess hall turned to Chef, who was speaking from the P.A. microphone behind the counter.

"Don't you think that was unnecessary?" Gwen asked, sarcastic.

"I think you better be goin' to the cargo hold before I make you into delicious, nutritious Chapman Spam. The spam of kings!" Chef yelled.

* * *

In the cargo deck, the unhappy cast gathered around Chris McClean, their scary happy host, who began to toss them all backpacks.

"What's with the backpacks?" Cody asked, once all of them had one.

"Not backpacks. Parachutes." Chris replied.

The host pulled on a lever that the cast hadn't noticed and the floor beneath them opened in a trapdoor, dropping them into the oblivion sky below. They all screamed with their might, both scared and annoyed that they somehow didn't see it coming (since it was like the third time Chris had pulled that trick on them). As soon as they got past the shock of the fall, the castmembers began to put on their parachutes and activate them to avoid falling to their deaths. However, some of them had problems with said action, mainly because they let go of their parachutes while falling.

"Help!" Cody screamed in terror, having let go of his parachute by accident.

Slightly above him, Gwen saw the screaming geek and she leaned forward in bullet-position to speed up and reach Cody while they fell. The goth girl groaned and cursed as the air struck her hard while she sped towards the geek, but eventually she caught him and took him in her arms before opening her parachute.

"You OK, Cody?" Gwen asked.

"Never better!" Cody giggled, his face buried between Gwen's breasts.

"Get your face out of there or I'll drop you." Gwen threatened.

"OK." Cody said, disappointed as he moved his face away.

"HELP!" Noah screamed in peril, also having let go of his parachute.

The bookworm screamed in terror, closed his eyes and covered his ears to try and keep away the horrible reality facing him. When this did not work, he began to pray in panic.

"Dear God, I know I've never really cared for you or believed in you that much but please start existing and then save me!" Noah yelled in horror.

As he surrendered all hope of ever touching safe ground in one, non-bloody and non-splattered piece; his fall was broken by the chubby arms of his fat friend.

"Hey Noah, nice of you to drop by." Owen remarked, holding the bookworm in his arms.

Before speaking, Noah reached for the pull chord on his Chubby Buddy's parachute and pulled on it, causing the chute to open and begin guiding them to safety.

"Don't think this means I owe you one, God." Noah muttered. "This doesn't prove anything."

"Help!" Bridgette screeched in terror as she too fell without a parachute.

Her peril, however, was shorter lived than Cody's and Noah's, since she was immediately swept into the arms of a heroic Alejandro, who also immediately opened his parachute.

"Are you OK, señorita?" Alejandro asked, not concerned but rather seductive.

"Never better." Bridgette swooned.

The surfer girl looked at the Spaniard' alluring, tender and amorous brown eyes and found her confusion getting swept away.

"Aww, screw it." Bridgette muttered before kissing Alejandro.

Though a bit surprised (not because of the kiss, but rather more because she chose to do so while hanging hundreds of feet in the air), Alejandro reciprocated and the two kissed tenderly as they fell across the night sky, with the stars and the moon smiling on behind them.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette – **/_Sighs_/ Geoff, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it has to be like this but I have to do it and I wish I could tell you this face to face, but it can't wait. I know you'll see this, so I have to tell you…I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out between us but things just are the way they are. I know you'll probably hate me for this, but I feel like things have been working better between Alejandro and I, while things haven't been working with you. /_Covers her face in shame_/ I'm really sorry it has to end like this, but it has. I'm sorry. /_Begins to sob lightly, a few grieving tears trickling down her cheeks_/ I'm…I'm sorry.

* * *

The contestants landed on the pavement of a deserted street in a strange looking place, covered by fog, which didn't let them see quite where they were.

"What creepy place did creep drop us into now?" Heather groaned.

"In the Old Country!" Chris exclaimed, descending onto the ground in front of the contestants with a jetpack.

"Huh?"

"England, me lads!" Chris exclaimed.

"Oh."

"Where in England?" Heather asked.

"The middle of the London Tower Bridge." Chris answered.

At that point, almost as if on cue, the fog began to clear and the teens realized, while looking around that they were actually on the middle of the famous British hanging bridge.

"Pretty lucky that we landed right on the bridge instead of the water." Noah commented.

"Not all were so lucky." Gwen said, pointing to the edge of the bridge.

When the cast and Chris turned to where Gwen was pointing, they saw Lindsay hanging from her parachute, which was caught on a loose railing on the side of the bridge, suspending her above the waters below.

"Can somebody help me out, please?" Lindsay asked, happy they'd noticed her peril.

"Strange that we didn't see her before." Cody commented.

"Maybe it's just natural human apathy." Noah replied.

Owen reached for the blonde girl and unstrapped her parachute, dropping her into the fat guy's arms, who promptly put her down on the ground.

"Now, for your challenge we'll have to meet outside Buckingham palace." Chris announced. "Which you'll probably take a while to get to since the bridge is about to open and you're on the side which doesn't lead to the palace."

"What?" The contestants asked in general unison.

Just after their inquiry, the drawbridge began to open, rising up in the two separate sides that composed it. The contestants screamed as the bridge reached full vertical position to allow a ship to pass under it and at the same time throwing them off in a steep fall to the concrete street behind the bridge.

* * *

After surviving their drop on the Tower Bridge, the cast found their way over to the famous home of the British Royal Family, Buckingham palace. The majority of them had never been to England and thus stared at the famous landmark in awe.

"OK kids, no time for tourism." Chris said, appearing out of nowhere as per his custom, this time wearing a cheap Sherlock Holmes costume. "We have to start your challenge."

"Can't we just play with those guards who never move for a while, please?" Owen asked. "I've always wanted to do that."

"Ooh yeah! That sounds awesome!" Izzy exclaimed in excitement, leaping onto Owen's shoulders and landing on them sitting down. "Let's do it, Big O!"

"We don't have time to annoy some guards." Courtney said. "We have a challenge to win and you have a challenge to lose."

"Actually, if you want to win the challenge you'll have to annoy those guards." Chris said.

"What?" Courtney asked, very puzzled.

"See those three guards over there?" Chris asked, pointing to three members of the Queen's Guard who were standing a good distance from each other next to the fence that surrounded the perimeter of Buckingham Palace.

Indeed, three members of the Queen's guard (the classic soldiers in red coats with tall, furry, black hats and dark blue pants) were standing outside the perimeter fence and as usual were looking at the horizon with strict discipline and order.

"Each team is assigned one of those guards and your first challenge is to somehow make the guard respond to what you're doing, without resorting to actual violence." Chris explained. "…And remember, the more humiliating the thing you do to the guard…the better! Now get on with it!"

The teams swarmed around their respective guard and began to think about how they could elicit a reaction from the stoic gatekeeper.

"OK, how do we do this?" Owen asked.

"Oh! We could shove a rabid squirrel up his nose!" Izzy exclaimed.

"I'm pretty sure that counts as physical violence, Izzy." Noah replied.

"Stick a normal squirrel up his nose?" Izzy asked.

"I think it's still in that category." Noah said.

"Baby squirrel?"

"No squirrels."

"Mouse?"

"No rodents."

"Koala."

"No marsupials."

"Isn't a Koala an ursine?" Izzy asked.

"No, ursine means bear." Noah replied.

"It's a Koala _bear_." Izzy replied.

"It's a colloquialism. The real name is just Koala."

"Isn't the real name Phascolarctos cinereus?"

"That's the scientific genus name."

"What's the difference?"

"It's the Latin terminology for the animal but it's not the actual name. Some British colonizer didn't find a Koala one day and said, 'Oh how nice, I'll call it a Phascolarctos cinereus'. No, he said he'd call it a Koala."

"Doesn't the name come from an aboriginal term?"

"Well, yes, but still…it's not like Australian aborigines knew Latin."

"Maybe they did? Did anyone bother to ask? Maybe they discovered Latin first?"

"Latin is a language. Nobody discovered it. It was invented…by the Greeks, not Australian aborigines."

"Maybe the aborigines invented it too."

"That seems highly unlikely, Izzy. It's a very silly idea. This whole discussion has turned rather silly." Noah remarked.

"Quite right! Silly! Silly!" A British Army Colonel exclaimed while he appeared out of nowhere and stood next to Team Chris. "Now get on with it!"

Then the Colonel walked away and disappeared.

"What just happened?" Owen asked, bewildered.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you." Chris exclaimed. "Logically inexplicable, absurd and overall silly things happen all the time in England for no reason so if something like that happens again, just ignore it."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah – **I was told that logic and reason don't exist in England but I thought it was just a joke. Maybe Izzy has British ancestry.

* * *

"OK, I have an idea." Cody said.

"What?" Courtney asked.

The geek approached the guard and quickly pulled down the man's pants, exposing his boxers with had pictures of Queen Elizabeth II's head on them.

"Big plan." Heather said, sarcastically. "What are you gonna do next, take off his hat and throw it to the floor?"

"Not a bad idea!" Cody exclaimed.

The geek reached for the guard's fluffy black hat and threw it to the floor. When the guard still did not react, Cody kicked the head garment and upon still receiving no reaction he began to jump up and down on the hat, getting tired after five jumps and still receiving no reaction from the cold, stoic man.

"These guys take their job seriously." Gwen remarked.

"It's…crazy…" Cody panted.

"Well, they're still loyal to their silly queen." Gwen muttered.

"Gwen, technically we're still loyal to the queen too." Courtney said. "Canada is part of the Commonwealth of the British Empire."

"Still, it's not like we have the actual queen." Gwen said.

"Not exactly."

"If you get trailed off and that weird army guy shows up again, I'll kill you!" Heather exclaimed. "Now let's make this guy scream or something so we can win and get our reward!"

"What do you suggest we do then?" Cody asked.

Heather pondered this question for a second and promptly found an answer. She reached into her pocket and pulled out two fifty Canadian dollar bills, which she began to wave in the guard's face.

"If you move a pinkie or blink or something…I'll give you these two nice William Lyons." Heather said, alluringly.

Predictably enough, the guard did not react.

"That was brilliant." Gwen remarked, chuckling derisively.

"Shove it." Heather grunted, sticking the bills back in her pocket.

"OK, let's think of something and fast, I think Izzy's coming up with something over there." Gwen said, looking at Team Chris.

"OK, while you were arguing just now, I made a list of possibilities in my head." Courtney said. "First, we could shake him aggressively since it's technically not violence. Second, we can spit on him. Third, we could find his car and smash it up…"

"That's pretty ruthless." Cody commented.

"I don't want to go back to the economy class, Cody." Courtney said sternly. "I am not eating spam again. Anyway, fourth, we can shove something into his ears. Fifth, we could…"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody - **/_Disturbed_/ Courtney's imagination when it comes to torture is very wide. I think most of her suggestions raped my soul…

**Gwen - **/_Mildly terrified_/ I'm glad she likes me now…

* * *

"Thirty-sixth, we could grab the lid off that sewer over there and throw it in the air and if it happens to land on his head, well, it's not physical violence, it's just coincidence. Thirty-seventh…"

"Wait, Courtney, look!" Cody exclaimed, pointing at the guard.

Indeed, the guard was displaying some sort of reaction towards Courtney's listing…he was shaking and his eye was twitching.

"You think he's scared because of her ideas?" Cody asked.

"No…I think he's annoyed because of her listing." Gwen replied.

"Hey!"

"Courtney, for the first time it's not a bad thing!" Gwen exclaimed. "Now list something else! He might just snap in annoyance!"

"My lists are not annoying!"

"We'll discuss that later! Just list something!"

"Um…well, I…I can't think of anything!" Courtney exclaimed.

"Jesus Christ, you list crap all the time and now you can't?" Heather yelled. "You're useless!"

"Come on Courtney, if somebody can list useless things, it's you." Cody motivated.

"OK…I guess I could list my lists." Courtney said.

"Meta-listing, perfect." Gwen said. "Do it, Court."

"OK, I've made lists about how to annoy this guard, on why I now like Gwen…"

"Thanks." Gwen said.

"On why I shouldn't like Gwen…"

"OK." Gwen added, a little annoyed.

"On why I used to hate Gwen…"

"Move on."

"On my different types of underwear."

"Keep going." Cody said, enthusiastic.

"Move on." Gwen said, shoving Cody aside.

"On the different ways I could use a Russian bison hat to murder Chris, on how I could use the obscene Japanese anime costume to murder Chris, on the different sets of toothbrushes I brought to this season, on the different languages I learnt to speak during the month prior to the season, on the souvenirs I have to bring my family and friends from the trip this season…"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody – **How can one person remember so many lists?

* * *

"Mr. Guard, could you please say 'hi' to the camera? Pretty please?" Lindsay asked the guard, who remained unfazed. "I'll give you some of my spare lip gloss…I have a lot."

The guard remained unfazed.

"Maybe we could try to bribe him with something." Bridgette suggested.

"I have a lot of lip gloss." Lindsay answered.

"No, I think they only take pounds here." Bridgette said. "Do you have 50 pounds to spare?"

"Are you calling me fat?" Lindsay said, angry. "'Cause you're _way_ fatter than me."

"Lindsay, that's not…Hey! I'm not fat!" Bridgette exclaimed.

"Well, no, you're not fat…but you could loose a couple pounds." Lindsay said.

"I…Really?"

"Couldn't hurt."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette - **/_Nervous_/ Geoff told me I could loose a little weight, but I thought it was part of his insensitive phase…I didn't think it was for real. I don't understand how I could have gained weight…I only eat vegetables!

* * *

"…School, special occasion, special school related occasion, Sunday, Universal studios tour, vacation, vacation with boyfriend, vacation with family, vacation with friends, vacation to Universal Studios, waterfront and Yom Kippur." Courtney listed. "Those are all my sweater vests for different occasions in alphabetical order."

"Yom Kippur?" Gwen asked. "Aren't you Catholic?"

"I am, but still, I bought a sweater vest with a Star of David on it while my family was vacationing in Israel and I wanted to use it." Courtney said. "I don't like to waste money."

"Keep listing!" Heather yelled.

"Fine!"

* * *

"These guys just won't budge." Alejandro said, utterly frustrated after his team unsuccessfully tried to make the guard react for the twenty second time.

"Yeah, they just won't move." Owen said, taking a bite out of a large sandwich.

"Where'd you get that?" Noah asked.

"Izzy gave it to me." Owen answered.

"Want one?" Izzy asked Noah after she appeared out of nowhere, while she pulled a hoagie from her cleavage.

"No, thank you." Noah replied.

"You should give them a go, Little Buddy." Owen remarked. "They're delicious."

Promptly enough, Owen ate the whole footlong in one bite and afterwards farted loudly.

"Jesus Christ, why didn't we think of that before?" Noah exclaimed rhetorically. "Owen, fart at the guard."

"OK." Owen said.

Owen turned around, bent over and unleashed a large cloud of toxic methane gas that assaulted the defenceless and motionless guard, who remained motionless no more as he coughed, gagged and eventually collapsed on the ground crying and moaning from the horrible burning sensation in his eyes, nose, and lungs.

"…And Team Chris is the winner!" Chris exclaimed.

"Goddamnit!" Heather yelled.

"Lemme at 'er!" The guard finally yelled and bolted towards Courtney, unable to hold himself back after Courtney spent the last five minutes listing all her coloured markers in chromatic and alphabetical order.

However, the guard's assault attempt was unsuccessful since Courtney promptly reacted and delivered a Lin Slice to the guard's neck, leaving him temporarily paralyzed from the neck down and causing him to collapse on the sidewalk.

"OK, now we move on to the second challenge!" Chris exclaimed. "…And since Team I Am The Only Thing That Matters won, they get a head start."

"Head start for what?" Cody asked.

"The ol' English mystery solving challenge!" Chris exclaimed.

A collective groan emanated from the contestants.

"London has been for centuries the home to many infamous criminals." Chris explained. "But can you guess which is the most infamous…"

"Is it Hitler?" Lindsay asked.

"Hitler was German." Chris corrected her.

"Stalin?" Lindsay asked.

"Russian."

"Mussolini?"

"Italian."

"Nixon?"

"American. I'm surprised she knows those people." Chris exclaimed.

"So are we." Heather said, giving Lindsay a funny look.

"Is it Jack the Ripper?" Gwen asked.

"Actually, yes." Chris said. "Quite right, Gwen. Jack the Ripper. The most famous serial killer in the history of history…"

"What a dextrous turn of phrase." Noah remarked.

"…And the man you'll be hunting for tonight." Chris said, ignoring Noah's comment.

"Jack the Ripper was a killer in the 19th century. How are we supposed to hunt for him?" Gwen asked.

"Well, it's not actually Jack the Ripper." Chris said. "It's actually a violent mental patient that we rented out from the Bedlam Mental Institution, but for the record, our guy actually has a bigger kill count than JTR. So it's even better…for me that is."

"You're actually gonna make us hunt for an actual killer? Unarmed?" Noah asked, concerned.

"Don't see why you're complaining. It's definitely not the most dangerous thing I've ever made you do." Chris replied. "The cliff dive from episode one of Total Drama Island should have killed most of you."

"Still, you could give us a…"

"No time for useless complaints." Chris said. "You will now be given your first clue to the mystery. Chef!"

Chef Hatchet emerged from thin air, wearing a Victorian Executioner's outfit and carrying a scroll in his hands. He unrolled the scroll and read aloud.

"Guidance lies where the Bard's tragic hero dies." Chef announced.

"What does that mean?" Bridgette asked.

"Well, the point is for you to figure it out." Chris said, derisively.

"Oh…right…"

"Now kids, you have until the break of dawn to bring me Jack the Ripper…" Chris announced. "Whatever team brings me the most wanted criminal, wins. Now scram!"

The contestants began to scatter before Chris called them out again.

"Oh, and I almost forgot…while you figure out where to face off with and capture the Ripper, he may find you and take you captive before that." Chris said, theatrically. "So watch your back, kiddies. London isn't a safe place…"

Then, the obligatory evil laughter.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **/_Smirking_/ For once I actually like what Chris did. I made a report on Jack the Ripper in the sixth grade and I've been hooked on this guy ever since. I know everything about his story. Every piece of evidence, every victim, even every crazy theory about his identity. I even know the racist and anti-Semitic ones that make no sense and were only even thought up because it was the 19th century and you legally had to blame every crime on a Jew or a black person at some point. I've got this challenge won already.

* * *

"Guidance lies where the Bard's tragic hero dies." Alejandro repeated the clue. "Very well team, we have to figure this one out."

"Well, since this is England…"the Bard" probably refers to Shakespeare." Noah said.

"Noah, I don't think Chris would give us a challenge that involves 'pleasing yourself'." Owen said.

Noah and Alejandro looked at Owen in surprise and moderate disgust.

"Shakespeare. William Shakespeare. The playwright/poet, Owen." Noah stated.

"Oh…I thought you meant…"

"I know what you thought. Just don't think it again…ever."

"But what about when…"

"If you think about it…don' tell me. OK?"

"Sure, Little Buddy."

"Now where does the tragic hero die?" Noah pondered aloud.

"Well, there are tons of Shakespearean tragic heroes." Alejandro said. "Did any of them die in London?"

"I'm thinking." Noah replied.

While her male teammates thought about tragic heroes and death sites, Izzy's mind and eyes wandered around while she pondered ponderations that would traumatize you and your grandmother severely. However, her thoughts were interrupted when her eyes spotted an interesting looking sign that read: "Cleese Cheese".

The crazy girl scurried away from her team and made her way into the cheese shop. She found the place to be almost empty of furniture, with only a few chairs and a couple of racks and cabinets that were empty. She approached the counter and rang the bell, which caused a clerk to appear from under the counter.

"Evening madam." The clerk said.

"Evening." Izzy replied. "I was standing in the street outside your boutique just now, discussing the Immortal Bard of Avon with some of my close acquaintances and my significant other when I suddenly came up all peckish. So, I thought to myself: 'a little fermented cur will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Shakespearean activities, sullied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some dairy products of a cheesy nature."

"Excuse me?"

"I wanna buy some cheese!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Oh, yes madam. What would you like?" The clerk asked.

"How about a little Red Lester?"

"I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Lester, miss."

"Never mind. How are you on Tilsit?"

"Never at the end of the week, miss. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday."

"Oh well. No matter. How about four ounces of Caerphilly?"

"Ah, well it's been in order for two weeks, miss. I was expecting it this morning."

"Yes, it's not my night, is it?" Izzy groaned. "Bel Paese?"

"No."

"Red Windsor?"

"No."

"Stilton?"

"No."

"Gruyere?"

"No."

"Emmental?"

"No."

"Norwegian Jarlsberg?"

"No."

"Liptauer?"

"No."

"Lancashire?"

"No."

* * *

"Courtney what the hell?" Gwen exclaimed, panting and frustrated.

The brunette prep had instructed her teammates to follow her quickly onto a speeding double decker bus, which they had to leap on while it moved, something that proved tiresome to most of the team, which didn't even receive an explanation for the sudden move.

"We had to get on the bus because it would get us to The Globe." Courtney answered.

"What the hell is The Globe?" Heather asked.

"Courtney, you're brilliant." Cody exclaimed, realizing what Courtney was onto.

"What? What did she do?" Heather asked.

"The Globe is the theatre where Shakespeare premiered most of his plays." Gwen explained. "I.E.: the place where his tragic heroes die. The next clue has to be there."

"That's right. If we're lucky, we might be able to get there before the other teams do." Courtney said. "I don't think Team Victory will have such luck, since Bridgette doesn't know a lot about Shakespeare and Lindsay's a dumb bimbo. I don't know about Team Chris, though."

"Well, let's just lie down until then." Heather said. "I need some beauty sleep…and a foot rub."

"Maybe Alejandro would be glad to do that." Cody chuckled, in an unusual zinger.

"Shut up!" Heather exclaimed, shoving Cody backwards.

Unnoticed by his teammates, Heather's shove knocked Cody backwards too hard, making him fall over the edge of the double decker and hit the pavement face first. Before he could get up to yell for his teammates to stop, he was struck in the back of the head with a blunt object and knocked out before being dragged into a nearby dark alleyway.

"The Globe is a big place." Gwen said, sitting down next to Courtney. "Where do you think Chris will have stashed the clue?"

"Probably some place visible on top of some trap or trick." Courtney said.

"Probably a guillotine." Gwen chuckled.

"Or a moat full of alligators." Courtney added, giggling.

"I swear, Chris won't stop until one of us is dead." Gwen said, half laughing and half scared, sort-of. "Scratch that. Knowing Chris, he probably won't stop until we've all suffered an agonizing death."

"He better not. I still have a lot to do." Courtney said.

"Like what?"

"Become a lawyer. Go into politics and join the Conservative Party. Then become Prime Minister and straighten out Canada once and for all." Courtney said with determination and morbid hope in her voice. "I always wanted to be the Canadian Margaret Thatcher."

"…And where does Duncan fit into all of this?" Heather asked, sly and evil. "Prime ministers don't usually date convicted felons."

"Duncan won't be a criminal by then. I'll make sure of it." Courtney said.

"Court, we already talked about not trying to change him." Gwen said.

"I know Gwen, and I'm not going to try to change him. I just want him to stop breaking the law. He's seventeen. If he keeps doing it for too long he'll actually get into trouble and might even go to jail." Courtney said. "Real jail. I'm not gonna let him do that."

"Yeah, you're right." Gwen said. "He is close to the legal age. Jesus, so are we. We're getting old. Soon we'll have to go to college and get jobs and join the real world."

"I'm looking forward to it." Courtney said. "I'm going to be productive and work hard to get what I want and I'll do some good for my country along the way."

"I don't know if that's altruistic or self-glorifying." Gwen remarked sarcastically.

"Very funny, Gwen." Courtney replied dryly. "What are you going to do?"

"Study art, I suppose. I always wanted to try and make it as an artist. It's pretty much the only thing I'm good at." Gwen said.

"'Good'." Heather said mockingly, highlighting the inverted comas with her fingers.

Courtney and Gwen gave her cold, angry stares and then ignored her.

"You have to show me some of your drawings, Gwen." Courtney said. "Bridgette told me once that they were really good."

"Sure. I've got a bunch back at the plane." Gwen said. "I'll show them to you when we get back after this."

"Great."

* * *

"White Stilton?"

"No."

"Danish Blue?"

"No."

"Double Gloucester?"

"No."

"Cheshire?"

"No."

"Dorset Blue Vinney?"

"No."

"Brie?"

"No."

"Roquefort?"

"No."

* * *

"OK, so it's The Globe Theatre." Noah said, making an affirming statement after he and Alejandro had figured out the clue. "How do we get there?"

"We could ask for directions." Owen suggested. "How about from that guy?"

Owen pointed to a random man sitting on a bench. The trio rallied forth to the location of the man upon the quadruped sitting contraption and engaged in communicative rabble.

"Excuse me, sir." Alejandro said. "Could you tell us how to get to the Globe Theatre?"

"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here and I must oblige to you for making it clear that I'm no here." The man replied.

"Excuse me?"

"No one told you when to run; you've missed the starting gun." The man said.

"What?"

"You've got to be trusted by the people that you lie to so that when they turn their backs on you, you'll get the chance to put the knife in." The man said.

"What are you implying?" Alejandro asked, angry.

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year." The man said.

"Oh, so we turn left at the station." Owen exclaimed.

"What?" Noah and Alejandro said, turning to the fat guy.

"He just said that we had to turn right at the station to get to the Globe, but then corrected himself, saying it was to the left and added that he always made those mistakes 'cause he's a silly little bugger." Owen explained.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm alright Jack; keep your hands off my stack." Owen told the man.

"If the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon." The man said, waving while the team walked away.

"What was that?" Alejandro asked.

"What do you mean?"

"How did you understand that guy? What was he even saying?" Noah asked, befuddled.

"He was telling us how to get to the Globe in Gilmourian." Owen said.

"Oh right, the English dialects." Alejandro said.

"I always hated those things." Noah said. "The English already had English, I don't see why they need more languages. How did you learn to speak Gilmourian?"

"Izzy taught me." Owen replied.

"Figures." Noah muttered. "Hey, where's Izzy?"

* * *

"Pont l'Evêque?"

"No."

"Port Salut?"

"No."

"Savoyard?"

"No."

"Saint-Paulin?"

"No."

"Carré de l'Est?"

"No."

"Boursin?"

"No."

"Bresse-Bleu?"

"No."

"Perle de Champagne?"

"No."

* * *

"You know…somehow I saw this coming." Gwen groaned.

"Yeah." Courtney and Heather agreed.

The agreement was over the fact that the members of Team Amazon were staring at the little treat that Chris had set up for them at the Globe Theatre. A nice, big, red, neon light arrow pointing at the stage, indicating where the next clue was and between the entrance of the theatre (where the Amazons were) and the stage; several sets of deadly traps.

Guillotines, swinging axe pendulums, spikes that shot up from the ground before receding and shooting up again, and just for fun, some flamethrowers.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – /**_Angry_/ How does this show get the permits to set-up this kinda stuff in a historic landmark like the Globe?

* * *

"Your Highness, I must say it truly is an honour that you would receive us on such short notice." Damian Hellburn, the producer said.

"Oh nonsense, darling." Queen Elizabeth II said. "Your show has greatly entertained me in my older days. Before, when I wanted to see children recoil in terror, I had to dress up my husband in a dark cloak and send him to roam a kindergarten. Now I can just turn on the Television and watch from the comfort of my luxurious home."

The three producers, Damian Hellburn, Manny Alberti and Carter Denham were in the Royal tea room with nobody else but Her Royal Highness of the British Isles and Commonwealth, Elizabeth II. The three producers and the monarch were watching over the progress of all their contestants in the challenge through some special televisions that the producers brought in from their jet.

"This tea is superb, Your Highness." Damian said. "Earl Grey?"

"Very well, Mr. Hellburn." The Queen said.

"I once knew a guy called Earl Grey." Alberti commented. "Real jackass."

"I don't really give a damn." The Queen said.

"I thought you royal types were always supposed to be courteous." Alberti said.

"That's just an image we put for you Yanks." The Queen said, before gargling and spitting out a large wad of saliva and phlegm.

"Actually, I'm Argentine." Alberti said.

"A bloody Argy!" The Queen yelled, standing up and raising her fists. "Awright, you vicious bastard! Put 'em up! I'm a sock you into Ilchester, ya great poof."

"I'm not going to hit an old lady." Manny said mockingly while he stood up.

"Oh, you afraid this old bat's gonna make a nancy outta you, right boy?" The Queen said, mocking him. "You're fruity, old queen yourself, Argy boy. Come on, ya mincing trollop, be a man and put up those chubby paws of yours!"

"Look, Your Highness, calm down."

"Alright, that's it! I'm sick of your willy-waving, you brown bread pillock!" The Queen exclaimed, frustrated.

The Queen grabbed a large cane she'd rested next to her seat and swung it at Manny's balls, striking them dead on and making the producers clutch at his crotch in pain. The Queen swiftly struck his knees, knocking him to the ground and then smashed the cane on his head, knocking him out cold. Then, Her Royal Highness sat back down.

"I could never stand those bloody Argies." The Queen proclaimed.

"Let's be friends based on mutual hatred." Damian proclaimed.

* * *

"I can't believe we made it through that!" Gwen exclaimed.

The three girls of Team Amazon; covered in scars, burn marks, bruises and some green goo; leaped onto the stage of the Globe after making it through Chris' death trap laden obstacle course, which was now destroyed.

"I can't believe you managed to do that thing with the laser, Courtney." Gwen exclaimed.

"That was nothing, what about your thing with the shark." Courtney replied.

"Or your thing with the giant boulder."

Or your thing with the toxic badger."

"And your thing with the exploding sweater vest."

"Anyone who missed that footage because they went to the bathroom during the showing or because some lazy fanfiction writer decided not to type it into the story should end their lives right now." Courtney exclaimed.

"Definitely." Gwen said.

"Could you two stop breaking the fourth wall and help me lift this trapdoor?" Heather yelled, trying to open the trapdoor the huge neon arrow pointed to.

The three girls applied force to the trapdoor and managed to budge it open. Inside they found three envelopes, one with the logo of each team. They took the Team Amazon envelope and (much to Heather's displeasure) left the other two untouched. Gwen opened the envelope and read aloud the letter she found inside.

"If the next clue you wish to find, look over London with a big eye and open mind." Gwen read. "Any ideas?"

"Let me think." Courtney said.

"I'll leave the thinking to you, ladies. I'll go out for some air." Heather said, walking away.

"Hey!" Courtney growled.

"I was the one who had to do the awesome thing with the explosive salmon caviar to get through the flamethrowers, so cut me a break!" Heather yelled.

"Fine."

The mean girl stepped through the wreckage of the former deadly obstacle course and left the building. After leaving, she leaned against one of the theatre's walls and relaxed.

"I could really do with a smoke right now." She groaned.

Immediately, somebody next to her handed her a cigarette.

"Finally." She groaned.

Heather took the cigarette and took a long drag before finally turning to the person who handed her the cigarette, after which she was struck in the head with the butt of a large machete. She fell unconscious to the ground and was swiftly dragged away.

* * *

"Camembert?"

"No."

"Gouda?"

"No."

"Edam?"

"No."

"Caithness?"

"No."

"Smoked Austrian?"

"No."

"Sage Derby?"

"No."

"Wensleydale?"

"No."

* * *

After making it to the Globe Theatre (and finding the wreck left behind by Team Amazon), Team Chris got a hold of their clue form the trapdoor.

"To get your case back on the street, find the barbershop in Fleet."

"If we hurry up we can beat Team Amazon to the punch." Alejandro said, urging his team on.

"Do you even know where you're going?" Noah asked.

"Of course. 'To get the case back on the street', 'barbershop in Fleet'. It obviously means Fleet Street." Alejandro said. "We have to find a barbershop in Fleet Street."

"I suppose you're right." Noah said. "Maybe we can get a quick ride there on a bus or the metro."

The crew began to make their way forth, until one of them was distracted. Alejandro stayed behind (unnoticed by his teammates), when he spotted a certain blonde girl roaming about, apparently aimlessly.

"Bridgette?"

"Oh, thank God, I found you, Alejandro." Bridgette exclaimed, running towards her new boyfriend and hugging him. "I've lost Lindsay and I have no idea of how to get to the first clue. Have you found it?"

"Yes, it's at…"

"The Globe, I know, but I've been trying to find it and I can't. I always had trouble moving around in big cities." Bridgette groaned.

"It's two blocks down that way." Alejandro pointed out.

"Thanks, Alejandro." Bridgette said. "You're too good, even if we're on different teams."

"I can't let competition get between me and my lovely lady." Alejandro said, somewhat smoothly.

Bridgette gave him a light peck on the cheek and waved him goodbye while she headed in the appointed direction.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette – **Huh…it isn't going to be easy, but I think it's going to be worth it if we can make it work. Alejandro is really good. He cares enough about me to put aside the competition. It takes a really good gentleman to do that.

* * *

Bridgette moved forth down the street. A block and a half later, she was struck in the head with a machete and dragged off by a dark figure.

Alejandro ran off to catch up with his teammates, navigating across a sea of pedestrians, but made a wrong turn in an alley and was also knocked out by a shadowy figure and dragged off.

* * *

"Gorgonzola?"

"No."

"Parmesan?"

"No."

"Mozzarella?"

"No."

"Pipo Crème?"

"No."

"Danish Fynbo?"

"No."

"OK, I'll try something simpler. Do you have any cheddar?" Izzy asked.

"I'm afraid we don't get too much call for it around these parts." The vendor said.

"'Not too much call for it'! It's the single most popular cheese in the world!"

"Not around this neighbourhood."

"And what _is_ the most popular cheese around here?"

"Ilchester, miss."

"OK, I'm game. Have you got any, already expecting the answer, no?"

"No."

"Yes, predictable really. Tell me, is this shop a cover for an evil scheme organized by the nefarious Dr. Praline?"

"No, miss."

"Now, I'm going to ask you that again and if you say 'yes' I'm going to punch you in the face." Izzy warned. "Is this a front for one of Dr. Praline's evil plots?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Izzy threw a punch at the side of the man's face, knocking him out. The crazy girl leaped over the counter and spotted an open trapdoor behind. She promptly shot down the trap door, falling six underground stories, landing in a secret cave lair somehow unharmed and wearing a glamorous black dress.

In front of her was a metallic walkway that led to a large control centre on a metal platform suspended over a giant hole in the ground that was filled with hot, molten cheese. On the walls of the cave were thousands of metal shelves that had several different cheeses on them.

In the middle of the control centre platform was a large man in a lab coat, black gloves, black pants, black boots, brown hair and goggles on his forehead. This man was none other than the nefariously evil Dr. Eric Praline.

"Well, well. If it isn't good, old CONTROL Super Agent Izzy Hatter." Dr. Praline said. "Come here to try and foil my nefariously nefarious plan once more?"

"Not try, Dr. Praline." Izzy said, menacingly.

"Well, a cocky little cock today, aren't we Izzy?" Dr. Praline asked, mockingly rhetorical. "Well, you might have succeeded if it weren't for that thing over there."

"What thing?" Izzy asked, turning around to look at where Praline was pointing.

While Izzy was distracted, Praline drew a tranquilizer gun and shot Izzy in the neck, knocking her out cold in seconds. What ensued was maniacal, evil laughter.

* * *

"I never quite realized just how slow this thing is." Courtney groaned.

Courtney and Gwen swiftly figured out their clue from the Globe Theatre.

"If the next clue you wish to find, look over London with a big eye and an open mind."

The girls had easily deduced the riddle referred to the famed London Eye, the giant Ferris wheel that overlooked the bank of the River Thames. Having boarded one of the passenger capsules the girls began to look over London to spot the clue, however, the slow speed of the wheel did not help their search.

"They have to make it slow so that people can enjoy the view." Gwen said. "You can't change that."

"I know, but I can still complain about it." Courtney said.

"Remember those things I told you pissed off Duncan that you should stop doing?" Gwen asked, rhetorically. "That's one of them."

"Fine."

A pang of realization suddenly struck Courtney.

"Hey, where are Cody and Heather?" Courtney asked.

Gwen looked around the capsule and dawned on the same realization as Courtney.

"Hey, you're right. Where are they?" Gwen said.

"You think they got left below?"

"No. I think I haven't seen Heather since we left the Globe."

"And Cody since we got on that double decker bus."

"You know, Chris did say that we should watch our backs because Jack the Ripper would be looking for us." Gwen said. "He also said Jack the Ripper was being played by a murderous mental patient they hired."

"You don't think that's actually true, do you?" Courtney asked, doubtful and sort of scared.

"Do you not know Chris?"

"Good point."

"You think we should look for them?"

"No. If the killer got them, they're already done for and we still have a chance at winning."

"Courtney!"

"What? It's true."

"Yeah, I guess…Hey, look over there!"

The brunette looked in the direction that the goth pointed to and saw what she'd been pointing at…not the best phrase, I know. It was an envelope with their team logo stamped on the front mounted on one of the metal supports of the wheel.

"We have to get out there!" Gwen exclaimed.

"Already on it." Courtney said, before shattering the capsules' glass with a powerful kick.

The prep leaped out of the platform and grabbed onto a transverse steel bar, on which she athletically made two full spins before leaping off and landing on a steel girder on the wheel's support. Gwen, a little more modest and intelligent, simply leaped onto another girder and scooched across it to get to where Courtney was without the unnecessarily risky stunt her friend had pulled off.

The girls opened their next clue and read:

"Where London's greatest deaths are found, is where the Ripper is homeward bound."

"What do you think it means?" Courtney asked.

"Well, it says something here about the Ripper being 'homeward bound'." Gwen said. "Jack the Ripper committed most of his killings around Whitechapel. Maybe it's somewhere around there."

"Could be." Courtney said. "Let's head over there."

"OK, just one thing."

"What?"

"How the hell do we get off here?"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **We didn't really notice that Alejandro had disappeared until we got to Fleet Street and by then Noah told me to "forget about him" and that "we'll find Dumb-A Guevara later". I don't know who Dumb-A Guevara is, but I hope he knows where Alejandro is…

**Noah – **Was I worried at all for Alejandro's safety considering a vicious murdered might have had him captive? No, I did not. Not for one moment…

* * *

The recently turned into a commercial district Fleet Street had very few of its old buildings left, most of them once the street left downtown. So Noah and Owen had little trouble locating the barbershop in question, since it was the only one around.

The place in question was called "Mr. Todd's Tonsorial Parlour" and it was located on the second floor of an old building also occupied below by a place called "Love It Meat Pies". Owen asked (more accurately begged) Noah if could wait in the pie shop while he took care of the silver razor blades.

"Only if you get me a chicken pot pie." Noah said.

"Get _you_ as in eating a chicken pot pie?" Owen asked, rather confused.

"No. Get _me_ one as in, you buy the pot pie and hold onto it so you can give it to me later." Noah explained.

"So like…I'm supposed to buy food and like…not eat it?" Owen asked, now really confused by the notion he simply could not comprehend.

"Yes."

"What you're saying isn't making a lot of sense, Little Buddy." Owen said. "That's weird of you."

"Owen. Listen closely. Buy the pie. Don't eat it. If I don't have a pie when I get back, I will get mad at you." Noah said, almost threateningly.

"OK…I'll do it. I'll buy the pie and not eat it…for you." Owen said, nervous.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **It was the hardest thing I've ever done; but I'd do it again. Anything for my Little Buddy!

* * *

Noah made his way up the outside stairs to the barbershop. He cautiously looked in through the small window on the door to see that nobody was inside the place. Trying the door, he surprisingly found it to be open (despite the fact that it was probably past midnight by that point) and slipped inside.

He quickly scuttled over to the barber's counter and rifled through the different objects lying there, looking for anything that might hint where the clue was hidden. Fortunately, Chris did not believe in the concept of subtlety and Noah found a large envelope with his team's logo and the word "Clue" stamped on it. He opened it and read:

"Where London's greatest deaths are found, is where the Ripper is homeward bound." He whispered to himself. "Interesting…London's greatest deaths. The Tower…"

"Hey you…" Someone said, resting their hand on Noah's shoulder.

A frightened Noah shrieked slightly in terror and turned around to face the man. He was a tall, stoic man in his late forties with the grimmest expression Noah had ever seen. His jet black hair was showing signs of starting to turn grey and his jet black eyes were terrifying Noah's very soul to its core.

"What are you doing here?" The man asked.

"Um…nothing. Just, wandered in by mistake…" Noah said, scared of the man's mere presence.

"Nonsense. I am a man who believes in fate and I think you were meant to be dealt with right here, right now." The man said darkly.

He smiled wickedly and drew a silver straight razor.

"How 'bout a shave?" He asked maliciously.

"Actually, I…"

The man shushed Noah and led him to the large coiffeur chair at the room's centre. He shoved Noah on the chair and wrapped a shaving bib around his neck. Before Noah could do anything, the man began to spread the shaving cream on his cheeks and on the underside of his chin. Then, the man lifted Noah's head by the chin and pressed the straight razor to Noah's neck.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah - **…And I thought. Well, this is it. Sliced up by a barber and dumped into the rotting sewage of the Thames. No Physics Nobel Prize for me this life time. Good luck in the next one. Of course, since I'm telling you this I obviously survived and since Chris is so predictable and will probably include this confessional right after Mr. Todd sat me on the chair, I can safely say that you'll now find out what really happened.

* * *

The bookworm prepared himself to feel the relieving sting of the blade doing away with his throat and the warm trickle of his blood spilling out of him.

However, all he felt was some swift motions and then the sensation of the shaving cream being wiped away.

"All done." The man said.

"What?"

"Your shave's done." The man said, putting a mirror in front of Noah to show him that the barber had indeed shaved his short but noticeable beard.

"You…you gave me a shave?"

"Sure. What did you think I was going to do?"

"Um…nothing." Noah said. "It's just…that thing about fate and me being dealt with…it was – unnerving."

"Well, people tell me I do come off a little strong. Let me introduce myself, I'm Mr. Todd." The barber said.

"I'm…"

"Noah from Total Drama, I know. We get that show here." Mr. Todd said. "…And I know fate brought you here because if I publicize that you shaved here I'll get a lot more customers. So smile for the camera."

Mr. Todd walked over to his counter and pulled out a digital camera, which he set up on a tripod in front of the coiffeur chair and then walked behind Noah again.

"It's on a timer so smile and give a thumbs up while I act like I shave you." Mr. Todd instructed.

Noah did just that and the picture came off perfectly.

"Great." Mr. Todd said. "I'll get a whole new clientele because of this. Thank you, Noah. The shave is on the house."

"Thank you, sir." Noah said before departing.

* * *

Izzy slowly regained consciousness and as she did the first thing she felt was strain in her arms. Once she awoke fully, she saw herself hanging by some heavy chains, suspended above the large pit of boiling, molten cheese and surrounded by a ring of spinning circular saw blades.

"Well, well. Look who's woken up." Praline remarked snootily from his base platform below and in front of Izzy. "Thought you could stop my evil plans, eh? Well, not this time."

"What is all of this, nefariously nefarious Dr. Eric Praline!" Izzy asked.

"Well, since you are trapped and there is no way you could escape my trap, I'll tell you." Dr. Praline said. "Using my new Cheese Magnet, I have stolen a quarter of England's cheeses and shall soon steal them all! Then, I will withhold them here for a month. After that, the price of cheese will have inflated so much that I'll be able to sell a single pound of cheese for hundreds of dollars! I'll have enough money to finally be able to afford my plans to buy a giant satellite laser and carry out my most evil goal of all…destroying the f/_bleep_/ing Belgians!"

The nefariously nefarious doctor approached his control console and pressed a button, which caused the chains Izzy was suspended from to begin to lower, inching her closer to the large pit of molten cheese at the bottom of Praline's lair.

"As for you, my old foe..." Praline said maliciously. "You will be covered entirely in molten cheese, encasing you alive in a solid cheese statue that I will keep as a tribute to my glorious victory! Ha ha!"

"There's only one thing you didn't count on, Praline!" Izzy yelled.

"What's that?"

"This…"

Izzy swung on the chains, causing them to strike the circular saw blades that were now above her and allowing her to launch over the pit of cheese and onto safety on Praline's control platform.

"I see." Praline said, stunned. "That was predictable really. I should have seen it coming…The saws weren't even necessary you know, but I thought 'well there's no harm in having them' yet, alas, here we are."

"Your plan is foiled, Praline!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Nuh-huh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-huh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-huh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-huh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-huh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-huh to the infinity."

"Yuh-huh to the infinity plus one."

"Infinity is as high as you can go!"

"Enough talking! Time for action!"

Izzy leaped into the air, screaming a powerful "HIYA!" and delivering a roundhouse kick to Praline's chest, causing him to stumble backward, trip over the railing of his control platform and plummet into the molten cheese below.

The redhead looked over the control panel and noticed a big, red button.

"What did my grandfather used to say about big, red buttons?" Izzy thought.

Suddenly, somehow a white thought balloon appears above Izzy's head and her grandfather appeared in it.

"Hey, how'd I get here?" Grandpa Izzy asked.

"You're in my imagination, grandpa." Izzy explained. "Now what did you used to say about big, red buttons?"

"Oh yes…Izzy, if you ever see a big, red button. Don't goddamn touch it, OK? It probably starts a nuclear holocaust. Don't touch that button!"

Izzy thought for a second. Then she pressed the button.

"Self-destruct sequence initiated…"

"Oops! My B!"

* * *

Team Amazon (or rather it's two remaining, non-captured members) rushed as fast as they could towards Whitechapel to catch the vicious serial killer, but Gwen didn't count on the thought that an inner-city working class neighbourhood like Whitechapel would be mostly closed late into the night.

"How can all the places be closed?" Courtney groaned. "It can't be that late."

"According to that clock over there, it's two in the morning." Gwen said.

"Oh…Well, it is pretty late then." Courtney said.

"It's Friday though, so people should be out anyways." Gwen complained. "Don't people have social lives in England?"

"Well, it is rather late."

"Not for a Friday night, Courtney."

"I'm at home at two in the morning even if its Friday night."

"And Duncan lets you get away with that?"

"I make it up to him."

"How?"

"Well, we got to my room and I…"

"Stop right there."

"You asked."

"Wait, look over there." Gwen said.

Courtney looked and immediately noticed what Gwen was pointing at. The only building that appeared to have some living souls inside of it. More appropriately, it was a building with a large sign over it that read "The Ripper's Lair".

"You think?" Gwen asked.

"Well, Chris was never subtle." Courtney pointed out.

"Let's check it out." Gwen said.

The girls walked over to the building, which was open and unguarded. As they got closer, they could hear what sounded like wild cheering and also the closing chords of a song. Inside the main entrance to the building they saw the place to be filthy, battered, with the walls covered in punk posters and graffiti and with very poor quality (yet surprisingly clean) floor tiles.

"Oh great, it's a punk club." Courtney groaned. "I don't think this is where we're gonna find the Ripper."

"Yeah. Let's go." Gwen said.

"Alright, f/_bleep_/ers!" A voice yelled over a loudspeaker in a noticeably grotesque cockney accent. "It's time for our next band! The Schnitzel Kickers!"

"Wait a minute…The Schnitzel Kickers…" Courtney muttered. "That's the band name that Duncan…Oh my God!"

"What?" Gwen asked.

The brunette rushed over to the nearby door that led into the main room of the punk club as loud, aggressive chords began to play. Courtney shoved the door open and was shocked by who she saw on stage. When Gwen joined her, she had the same reaction.

"Well…we didn't come here to leave empty handed." Courtney said.

"Let's get him."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen **– Noah always tries to teach me all the stuff he knows and he knows a lot! One of the things he told me once is that you never know how fast a situation is gonna change and how much. Well, when we went to the Tower of London to defeat the Ripper and he began chasing us wildly with a huge machete, I finally understood what my Little Buddy meant.

* * *

"I'm gonna make custard tartlets out of your centrifugal bumblepuppies!" Jack The Ripper screamed as he chased Owen and Noah down one of the halls of the floors of the infamous Tower of London.

The Ripper was wearing a long overcoat that was covered in several bladed weapons, ranging from knives to daggers to scalpels, as well as the machete he was wildly flaying as he chased the two contestants. He also wore black gloves, brown pants, black boots and a ludicrously large top hat that projected a shadow that covered his face entirely.

"What does that mean!" Owen yelled, running and exhausted.

"I'll cut yer balls off!" The Ripper screamed.

"Oh! Thank you very much for the translation!" Owen yelled back.

"Don't thank the guy that's trying to kill us!" Noah yelled.

"Sorry, Little Buddy!"

"Doesn't matter! Up those stairs!"

Noah and Owen bolted for a step ladder that was attached to the roof. The two climbed through the medium-sized hatch like rabbits fleeing from a wolf. After getting in, Noah slammed the trapdoor of the hole in the floor shut, locking it with a sturdy padlock that was attached to the trapdoor. However, their peace lasted briefly, since they realized they'd locked themselves into a dead end room; the only other way out was a large ornate window that led to a six story drop. To make matters worse, the Ripper began to bang furiously on the trapdoor, slowly but surely making it begin to crack under pressure.

"Well, we're going to die." Noah groaned.

"I wish Al were here." Owen groaned. "He'd save us."

"He'd save himself." Noah muttered.

"Why don't you like Al? He's great!"

"He's Heather with a Y chromosome." Noah replied. "An eel covered in grease swimming in motor oil."

"Dirty?"

"Slippery."

"Well, he has been tripping a lot recently."

"Not literally, Owen. I mean you can't trust him."

"I can't? But he's so nice."

"He acts nice. You can't trust him…or anyone else in this show for that matter." Noah muttered. "Everyone's a Judas waiting to get their thirty silver pieces."

Then, as per Chris' habit, the familiar, dreadful chime rung out in the tensest possible moment.

"He can't be serious." Noah said. "We're about to get murdered."

"I'm always serious." Chris' voice rang out of nowhere. "…And I'm always watching. Now sing something depressing about that not trusting anyone you just said. We need to gain demographic with the emos and hipsters."

A slow piano melody began, playing over and over. Noah at first resisted but realized he had no choice. By the third time the piano melody repeated, he sighed and began to sing softly and grimly.

"_**You've got to be crazy.  
To smile so wide.  
To hold your arms open  
To take their side.**_"

A light howling of the wind effect played in the background while a soft yet heavily distorted riff played briefly before the piano melody returned for the next verse. The guitar played still in the background but very lightly as accompanying music while the wind howl could be lightly heard every two lines.

"_**You've got to be crazy.  
To walk like that.  
To hold your jaw open.  
To swallow the fat.**_"

A three striking guitar chords played now along with the previous effects (which were now louder) except for the previous guitar. Noah slowly approached the large window and dramatically looked over London.

"_**You've got to be crazy!  
To believe in thaaaaaaaat!**_"

Now the music became more aggressive and Noah practically began to shout the lyrics angrily, something uncharacteristic of him.

"_**You've got to hold your head above the water!  
You've got to drown while you look for air!  
You've got to reach out and hold your hand open!  
Reaching out for the hand that isn't theeeeeeeeeeere!**_"

Then the music crashed down to calmness, returning to its original stance and timing.

"_**You've got to be crazy  
You gotta have a real need.**_"

Owen looked on concerned at his Little Buddy. Noah was so immersed in the cynical song that he'd stopped wincing every time the Ripper hit the trapdoor, unlike Owen, who was still terrified.

"_**You've got to be crazy  
To cut some slack  
To stare at the void  
When it stares back.**_"

"_**You've got to be crazy  
To open your book  
To let the find it  
To let them look.**_"

"_**You've got to be crazy!  
To let that beeee-eeeee-eeeee!**_"

"_**You've to bathe in the muck of the kinship slaughter!  
You've got to cherish the taste of the Judas kiss!  
You've got to run with the herd wherever they're going!  
Run with them when they go over the !**_"

"_**You've got to be crazy.  
You gotta have a real need.**_"

The song finally came to a close and Noah kept on melancholically staring out the window, disregarding the Ripper's assaults on the door.

"So you see, most people aren't very reliable, Owen." Noah said. "…And you have to live every day thinking you might get screwed over by somebody you didn't suspect."

Noah leaned over a nearby crate, absolutely immersed in his own depressing thoughts, completely disregarding the vicious killer trying to enter the room.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **/_Concerned_/ I'd never seen my Little Buddy so down before. Sure, sometimes he gets a little moody but never that much. So…I did what a good friend had to do to help out their Little Buddy in a time of need!

* * *

"_**Ooooooooh, Little Buddyyyyyyy.  
Dooooon't'cha be afraaaaaaaid.**_"

"Huh?"

Noah turned to Owen, who'd just sung those two lines.

"_**Ooooooooh, Little Buddyyyyyyy.  
We're the greatest duo ever maaaaaade.**_"

"Owen, what are you doing?"

"_**Ooooooooh, Little Buddyyyyyyy.  
I'll be with you till the eeeeeeeeeend.**_"

"Seriously Owen, what are you doing?" Chris' voice rang out of nowhere.

"'_**Caaaaaause, Little Buddyyyyyyy  
I'm your beeeeeeest frieeeeeend.**_"

Suddenly Owen leaped over the trapdoor the Ripper was trying to get through and wrapped his arm over Noah's shoulder, accidentally squashing Noah's head against the side of his body. Suddenly, a fast paced, merry, upbeat melody played to accompany his singing.

"_**Oh, Little Buddy  
Don't'cha worry none!  
If you need some help,  
Call me, I'm the one!  
I will do anything that I can for you**_  
'_**Cause I love ya Little Buddy  
And I'm sure ya love me too.**_"

Owen let go of Noah and leaped across the banging trapdoor containing the killer before doing a twirl and returning for another verse.

"_**Oh, Little Buddy  
You're a smashing guy  
You're so funny  
That I could cry.  
Yes, Little Buddy I admire you**_  
'_**Cause you help me a lot  
And I'm sure I help you too.**_"

Owen leaped on top of the trapdoor, causing the banging to stop momentarily as the killer could no longer make the wooden door bang, only making small thuds with each blow. Meanwhile, Owen did a little skipping dance while he sang on.

"_**So, Little Buddy  
If ya don't feel good  
Don't doubt a second  
Call me, I'm your dude**_  
'_**Cause Little Buddy, I'll make you feel fine  
I'll crack out a joke  
And you'll have a real good time.**_"

The killer gave the trapdoor and thunderously powerful blow, knocking Owen off it when the trapdoor bulged inwards from the blow. The fat guy flew across the room and hit a wall, causing a top hat and a cane to fall off a shelf and land on Owen's head and open hand respectively. Seeing the new props a this disposition, Owen shrugged acceptingly and stood up to resume his merry friendship song, this time while swinging around the cane and wearing the silly hat slightly crooked to one side while the melody changed slightly.

"_**Oh, Little Buddy I'll do anything for you**_  
'_**Cause I'm sure you'll do it for me too**_  
'_**Cause I think we're like brothers, thicker than blood  
We can make it through anything, through the slime and mud.  
Yes, Little Buddy I'll never let you slide**_  
'_**Cause I'll always be by your siiiiiiiiiiide!**_"

Owen did several, continuous twirls, getting slightly dizzy when he stopped but still able to sing with relative coherence in the previous melody (albeit still slightly off key).

"_**So Little Buddy,  
Don't'cha get scared  
I'll defend you from any beast  
Who ever dared.  
No Little Buddy, don't you get sad**_  
'_**Cause I'll get sad too  
And your tears will drive me maaaaaad.**_"

Owen leaped on top of one of the nearby crates for his big finale, doing the Broadway kick step while singing this final, escalating verse of his song.

"_**In the end, Little Buddy  
It'll stay the same  
I'll stand by you**_  
'_**Till the end of the game  
Even Little Buddy when the glory's done  
I'll stand by you  
And weeee'll haaaaave looooots ooooof fuuuuuuuuuuuun!**_"

Owen leaped off the crate, throwing off he cane and silly top hat and landed next to Noah, pulling him into a powerful, crushing bear hug.

"Come here!"

"Owen…Crushing…Asphyxiation!" Noah choked out.

"Sorry." Owen apologized while still giggling as he let go of Noah. "I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, Noah. You're my best friend…the bestest one I've ever had! I love you, Little Buddy."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah - **/_Happy and uncomfortable about it_/ It was…weird. I've never really been the type of person who has, well, friends. So having Owen tell me that…it kind of, you know, felt…good.

* * *

"Wow, Owen." Noah said, utterly shocked. "You know…I'm not the emotional type or well, the very outward type, so I haven't ever really had too many friends…or any close friends, I figure. So…that means a lot to me."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know…I love you too, Chubby Buddy." Noah said, embarrassed and almost muttering.

"Oh!"

Owen could barely contain his joy and pulled Noah into another tight bear hug, and even though he could feel himself starting to black out, Noah didn't mind it.

The tender moment would have continued (and Noah would have passed out due to lack of oxygen) if it weren't for the Ripper, who started viciously banging on the trapdoor once again, this time with cracks forming along the wooden blockage to indicate that it was just about to finally give away.

"S/_bleep_/t!" Noah exclaimed. "He's breaking through! We're screwed!"

Owen frowned.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen - **/_Angry, or at least as close to angry as Owen can be_/ It was at that point that Noah and I were really in danger and I wasn't going to let anyone harm my Little Buddy, especially not at that moment when he was finally looking happy again. So I started summoning all the meanness that I could…

* * *

Owen moved away from Noah and began to focus while making silly thinking noises, causing Noah to look at him with curious befuddlement.

"Owen, what are you doing?" Noah asked.

"I'm channeling…my wicked…Uncle Ernie." Owen spoke with difficulty, since he was concentrating as hard as he could on something else while he spoke. "He taught me…to be mean…I can beat him."

"Owen, we don't have time. We have to find a way to get out of here, somehow."

"No wait. I can do this. I just have to concentrate on bad things. Like, milk…no….Red Bull." Owen grumbled.

"Owen…"

"I can feel it. I just have to get angry…say mean things, like…uh…your brain is a mountain of hatred!"

"Owen, are you OK?"

"Now, I am thinking…about kittens! Kittens covered with spikes! That makes me angry!"

The Ripper gave a mighty, murderous blow to the trapdoor with his machete, causing it to finally burst into pieces and allowing him to leap into the room and howl once while raising his weapon to a murder-appropriate position, ready to swing down on a fool's head.

However, much to Noah's and the Ripper's expectations, Owen gave an even louder, thunderous roar of rage and leaped in front of the killer with a fuming nose and a reddened, choleric face. Noah stared and the Ripper gulped.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" Owen screamed. "MY NAME IS OWEN P. LIZOWSKI AND I HATE BABIES!"

"Uh-oh."

Owen charged in a fury and slammed his rotund stomach against the Ripper with meteoric force, knocking the murderer backward across the air and through the large window on the opposite wall. The killer flew through the open London air and gave a less than human scream of horror as he plummeted six stories to the ground. The fat guy and the bookworm rushed over to the window and looked down, spotting the killer, who had landed on a mountain of hay bales, which partially broke his fall, allowing him to land alive but agonizingly harmed.

"Well, we should go grab him and take him to Chris so we can win the challenge." Noah said.

"Cool."

"Hey Owen."

"What?"

"Did you just say you hate babies?"

"What? Oh, yeah."

"Why?"

"Because they're very needy."

"Huh…makes sense."

* * *

Back at the Jumbo Jet, the sun was beginning to rise and Chris McClean gathered most of the contestants around himself in the elimination deck. Only Owen, Noah, Gwen and Courtney were not there.

"How very, very disappointing." Chris mocked the contestants who got captured. "You all got caught in under two hours. The last guys we tried this on lasted five."

"There were no other guys, we're the only contestants you've ever had on this sh/_bleep_/ty show." Heather growled.

"Still, you guys blew it…wickedly!" Chris giggled. "But don't worry Heather, your team can't lose this time. Team Victory is officially the loser this time, since both the girls got captured."

"Crud." Bridgette groaned.

"We'll deal with you later." Chris said. "First we have to wait to see who wins."

As if on cue, Noah and Owen entered, the latter carrying a large squirming sack over his shoulder.

"Gentlemen, we present you with…Jack the Ripper." Noah said.

Owen dropped the sack to the ground and pulled the top open, revealing the Ripper inside of it. Then, Noah reached for the serial killer's top hat and pulled it off, revealing Chef Hatchet's bruised face beneath it. The cook growled and ripped open the sack before stepping out.

"There, challenge is over Chris! I f/_bleep_/ing hate you and you owe me an extra G on my salary for doing this." Chef growled viciously as he walked out.

"Well, looks like the winners are Team…"

Then, also as if on cue, Courtney and Gwen entered the elimination deck, with the former carrying a sack over her shoulder.

"Are we too late?" Gwen asked.

"We already caught the Ripper." Noah said.

"Well, we caught a criminal too." Courtney said.

"Who?" Chris asked.

The brunette dropped the sack to the ground and then pulled open the top, allowing Duncan's head to pop out.

"Duncan!" The rest of the cast asked, completely surprised.

"You brought me back here!" Duncan asked Courtney and Gwen angrily. "Uh, where's the stupid exit again?"

"Not so fast, quitter." Chris said, stepping in front of Duncan and poking at his chest. "Thought you could skip out on the game, eh? Thought I wouldn't find you, huh?"

"Um, you didn't." Gwen pointed out. "We did. Sorry Duncan."

"And that's why Team Amazon wins today's competish!" Chris exclaimed.

"YES!" Courtney and Gwen cheered, high-fiving.

"WHAT!" Owen and Noah exclaimed, surprised.

"Sorry." Chris apologized, insincerely.

"As for Team Loserville." Chris said, looking at Bridgette and Lindsay. "Today, another one of you is going home and I think I have the perfect tiebreaker challenge planned out to resolve the issue of who's going."

"No need." Lindsay said. "We've already decided."

"What?"

"I'm going home." Lindsay said.

"What!"

"Brenda and I…"

"Bridgette." The surfer girl corrected.

"Who?"

The entire cast facepalmed.

"Brenda is dating Alexander and wants to stay with him longer and I want to see my Tyler, so I won't stand in her way." Lindsay said. "I'm eliminated."

"That's surprisingly noble." Courtney commented.

"Well, OK." Chris said. "I would have enjoyed seeing some live foxy boxing tonight, but what the hell. Here's your parachute."

The host handed the blonde the aforementioned parachute and she put it on. Then, she hugged Bridgette.

"Good luck with Alex, Brenda." Lindsay said.

"Thanks Lindsay." Bridgette replied.

The blonde girl approached the exit.

"Win it for Team Victory!" Lindsay exclaimed and then leaped out.

However, immediately afterwards a loud thud and a scream of pain could be heard. Chris laughed.

"I guess I could have warned her we were still on the ground." Chris said. "But I figured it would be more fun if she found out on her own."

"You're a sick little man." Noah said.

"I know, I am sick." Chris said. "Wicked sick."

Noah rolled his eyes.

"What Lindsay said about Team Victory is incorrect, though." Chris said.

"What do you mean?" Bridgette asked.

"Well, since you're on your team alone and we have a new contestant." Chris began. "I'm dissolving Team Victory and I'm putting you in Team Amazon while I put Duncan in Team Me."

"OK." Bridgette and Duncan said, albeit Duncan said it begrudgingly.

* * *

"…And how could you think it was OK to just leave like that!" Courtney yelled. "Because it was not! Do you have any idea how worried you had me! A lot! Jesus, Duncan, I swear I feel like sometimes you just don't think things at all!"

Duncan frowned furiously as Courtney yelled at him. She'd been going on and on for the past ten minutes and he was just on the edge. However, after the last phrase, she finally cooled down and surprisingly, she hugged him.

"I'm sorry. I'm not really mad. I just…It's been tough being on this show without you." Courtney said, holding onto him.

However, Duncan's attention was not on his girlfriend hugging him but rather on a certain goth girl who had just emerged form the airplane bathroom. He smiled.

"Every time I ran from the cops, I was thinking of you." He said, looking at Gwen.

The Goth girls' eyes widened in surprise and she rushed off, trying to keep herself in check.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen - **/_Angstful_/ I don't know how everybody else can sleep, especially Courtney. I'm still buzzy, like I drank too much coffee, you know? /_Looks at the camera in surprise, realizing what she just said_/ Because we won, of course…/_Diddling her fingers_/and Duncan's back and…he missed…us. /_Frustrated_/Jesus, I really thought it would be easier to keep it all in check but just seeing him again. It just makes it whole lot more difficult.

/_Duncan enters the confessional_/

**Gwen** – Oh my God, I didn't lock the door!

**Duncan – **Lock's busted. Why so worried about it anyway? Worried I was gonna catch you peeing?

**Gwen **– /_Chuckling_/That's gross, Duncan.

**Duncan – **Hey, you were the one peeing with the door open.

**Gwen **– Shut up, I wasn't peeing…And I'm so glad that you're here to mock me about it.

/_Duncan steps closer_/

**Duncan **– Me too.

**Gwen – **Yeah…

/_They stare at each other briefly and then kiss. Suddenly, the camera goes into static_/

* * *

"Whoa! Now that's how you get some drama started!" Chris exclaimed, about the previous scene. "Wait until Courtney finds out about this one! Will Duncan and Gwen's dirty little secret be found out? And who's gonna be taken out? Find out next time on Total…Drama…_Wooooooorld Touuuuuuuuur_!"

* * *

**Longest chapter so far, at 28 Microsoft Word pages on Arial font size 10. Excuse me for the delay, but it was a long chapter which I had to rewrite a lot and I still feel like the middle part is a little fuzzy. Well, you be the judge.**

**Please review.**

**Gracias Totales,  
Mr. Panama Red.**


	11. Mi Buenos Aires Querido

**Chapter 11: Mi Buenos Aires Querido**

"Previously on Total Drama World Tour…We went to Jolly Ol' England, home to Royalty, History and Silliness. Bridgette and Alejandro sealed the "we're in a relationship" deal. Noah and Owen took on a killer/gourmet chef in disguise. Gwen and Courtney backflipped out of the London Eye. We got a surprise return from runaway Duncan. Luscious Lindsay went pip-pip cheerio from the competition and last and oh definitely not least, Duncan and Gwen had a forbidden moment in the confessional bathroom, which was oh-so-very-very-very-very good for our ratings!"

"Will Courtney find out about the canoodling between the show's resident bad boy-girl duo? Will she kick Duncan so hard in the kiwis that they'll shoot out of the top of his skull? Will said kiwi projectiles maim anybody else after being shot out? Will we be allowed to show that on TV? Find out right now on Total…Drama…World Tour!"

* * *

Luxury and peace of mind was what normally awaited every contestant that was allowed access to the first class section of the Total Drama Jumbo Jet and it was almost entirely the case on this day. Courtney and Bridgette were both enjoying very much needed back massages from two handsome interns. Heather was enjoying an ice-cold frugal drink on her comfy chair. Cody was playing on an old "_Pac-Man_" arcade game that had been recently added to the first class cabin.

If you haven't caught the pattern yet, the only one who was in unrest was Gwen while she sat uneasily on her chair and stole occasional nervous glances at Courtney and at the entrance to the economy class, where you-know-who was.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **You know, I spent all my high school days hating those bi/_bleep_/y girls who would just steal other girls' boyfriends and now this…I always thought that people who did these things in movies and reality shows were just being melodramatic but Goddamnit, they weren't! I swear, if any more of my bitter countercultural ideas about mainstream culture comes back to bite me in the ass this season I'll never be able to sit again!

* * *

In the economy class, things were much more tense than in the first class.

Noah and Alejandro were giving each other deadly stares of distrust and bitterness. Owen was giving his Little Buddy Noah a worried look, so concerned with him that even Izzy's chainsaw juggling wasn't catching his attention. Duncan was grimly thinking things over, not quite as troubled as Gwen but still immersed in his bothered head.

The cheerful mood in the room was only lightened up by Chris' arrival.

"And how's the new Team the Awesomeness of Me Could Bend and Shape the Universe doing?" Chris asked, holding back his childish giggles.

The team glared at him.

"I can sense some bitter rivalry…"

He looked at Noah and Alejandro.

"Some friendly concern…"

He looked at Owen.

"Some…general mental instability…"

He looked at Izzy.

"…And some very adulterous guilt."

He looked at Duncan.

"What's up bad boy? Stuck your lips in the wrong place?"

"Watch your words, Chris." Duncan threatened.

"Very nice, Duncan. Don't worry, I'd rather go and annoy the winners now. I'll leave you to your own misery." Chris said before leaving the room.

"What did Chris mean?" Owen asked.

"Nothing, Tubby. Shut up."

Owen was surprised.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **Duncan's a lot less cool since he came back. I wonder what's up with him? And I wonder what's up with Noah. He's a lot more grim than usual too. I'm worried about my Little Buddy. Maybe I should give him some of my candy /_Digs into his pants and pulls out some Mars Bars_/ I wonder if he minds molten chocolate?

* * *

"Right there…" Courtney groaned as the masseuse finally began to work on a rather sore spot on Courtney's lower back.

"I wish I could take one of these guys home for the summer." Bridgette commented. "My shoulders get tense when the big tides roll in."

"I've had that pain in my back since Chris made us wear those stupid giant boobs in Japan." Courtney told Bridgette. "Those things weighed a ton."

"I know, I had to wear them too." Bridgette remarked.

"Right…I'm sorry, I forgot. It's just we haven't really seen each other this season." Courtney said.

"I'm glad we're on the same team now, though." Bridgette said.

"Me too."

"Plus, the perks of being in the same team as you aren't all that bad." Bridgette said while relaxing into the massage.

"Valuing your friends by how they are and what they can get you." Courtney remarked. "I've taught you well, Bridgette."

"I guess you have." Bridgette said. "Hey, how's things with Duncan now that he's back?"

"It's been alright, though I think that he's been trying to keep some distance since he came back." Courtney said, a little worried. "It's probably because he's afraid I'll be like last season since we're on different teams but I'm not gonna let that happen. I won't let the competition control me this time…I've learnt my lesson. I'm going to be as nice and as caring as on season one when we were on the same team."

"Letting go of the killer instinct to keep your love." Bridgette remarked, imitating Courtney's earlier demeanor. "I've taught you well, Courtney."

"Shut up." Courtney giggled.

"Though…you could be a little more caring. You were still kind of harsh with him during season one." Bridgette said.

"Shut up." Courtney said, not giggling quite as much. "Don't push your luck, Bridgette."

"OK."

"Speaking of letting go of the competition for love…how's things with Alejandro?" Courtney asked.

"To tell the truth…It's been great." Bridgette said with mixed emotions.

"Then why the droopy tone?"

"Well. Alejandro was so sweet. We went to the movie room last night and he was just a perfect gentleman. He was romantic, sweet and so funny. I think it's one of the best nights I've ever had with a guy." Bridgette said.

"That doesn't explain the droopy tone."

"All the time I was with him I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying Geoff." Bridgette said.

"Bridge, you broke up with Geoff."

"Through TV."

"It's still breaking up with him. Besides, he hadn't been the best boyfriend recently according to you."

"I know…but he hasn't been himself recently, either. I think it might just be a phase and I might be breaking up with him for no good reason."

"To tell you the truth Bridgette, I never liked Geoff that much. I always thought you deserved better." Courtney said.

"You really think that?" Bridgette asked, rather surprised.

Bridgette knew that Courtney hadn't been all that happy with Geoff's recent behavior but didn't think she'd disliked her boyfriend al along.

"Yes and I also think that Alejandro is the better that you deserve." Courtney said. "He's perfect for you."

"You really think so?"

"I'm sure of it."

"Well, thank you, Courtney. It's nice of you to think that."

"Don't worry, Bridge."

* * *

The peace in the plane was interrupted when the plane began to dive unbelievably fast, causing several of the contestants to be thrown off their feet and fly across the place. Confusion and disorder reigned as everyone and everything was thrown off its edge and knocked across the plane as it began to go up and down in sudden nose dives and climbs until finally the plane landed and everything ended up in balance again.

"This is your captain Izzy speaking and I hope you enjoyed today's' funhaving laughtatorium plane of death ride!" Blared out through the P.A. System. "Yo crazy girl, get away from my controls! I'ma kill you for touchin' my stuff!"

Some contestants remained in their respective cabins. Others, like Gwen, found themselves in the cargo deck. Some in the economy class, like Owen found themselves in the first class and some in the first class, like Bridgette, found themselves in the economy class.

"We're sorry for that. But, we've actually reached our destination now so get ready and get off the Jumbo Jet in ten minutes so we can start the first challenge…" Chris' voice blared out through the P.A. "I need a Prozac."

As per instructed by Chris, the contestants got their stuff together and got off the plane, finding themselves on a landing strip in the middle of a giant expanse of green fields under the light of a warm, rising early morning sun.

"Where are we?" Gwen asked.

"In the middle of nowhere at the edge of who-knows." Chris' voice called out.

The contestants turned to the voice and saw Chris emerge from the plane wearing a rather crummy cowboy outift.

"Are you some kind of malfunctioning cowboy?" Heather asked.

"I'm a groucho." Chris said, condescendingly. "Read a book."

"The word is gaucho, Chris." Noah pointed out. "...And you're not. That's a cowboy outfit."

The cast began to giggle at Chris' mistake, who glared at Noah.

"Doesn't really answer where we are." Gwen pointed out.

"This kids is the middle of a large expanse of fields somewhere in the Pampas." Chris answered.

"Where is that?" The cast asked.

"In some place called Argentina, apparently." Chris answered, somewhat unsure of his statement.

"Where is that?" The cast asked again.

"The very tip of South America...I think. That's what the producers said." Chris answered.

"I'm sorry. I've never heard of this country before and I'm from Perú." Alejandro said.

"Don't ask me. The producers told me to come here like two days ago." Chris said. "We tried to use Google Maps to find directions here and this country didn't even register on it."

"Then how'd we get here?" Gwen asked.

"Luck." Chris replied, in all honesty. "We could have been flying around for days if Izzy hadn't manhandled the controls just now."

"That's me!" Izzy called out, no sequitur.

"But since we are here, we can start the challenge!" Chris announced.

General groans.

"I love this job." Chris sighed. "Anyway, what is one of the things that Argentina is most known for?"

None, literally none of the contestants, could answer.

"Predictable, really." Chris muttered. "Anyway, according to what the producers told me, one of the things that this country is most known for is meat production so we've set up a challenge that has to do with that…I think."

"So, we've had crazy game shows in Japan, treasure hunts in Russia, musicals in New York, lake monsters in Scotland, revolutions in France, political pranks in Washington, drinking contests in Ireland, limbo in Jamaica, mysteries in England and now…making meat in wherever the hell this is?" Noah asked sardonically.

"Hey, I don't like this nonexistent country either but the producers insisted we come here for some reason." Chris said.

"Why?" Bridgette asked.

* * *

"_**Miiiiiiii Buenos Aires Queriiiiiiido...**_"

"Manny, stop singing or I'll knock you out of the plane as soon as we leave this godforsaken country." Damian Hellburn threatened.

The three producers: Damian Hellburn (American), Manuel Alberti (Argentine) and Carter Denham (British?) had gotten off their jet and were atop a hill, observing the contestants as they were briefed by Chris on the situation.

"I'm sorry, I'm just happy to back home." Alberti sighed. "I've missed this crazy place and I bet it's missed me too."

"Didn't you flee form this place because you were being tried for human rights violations?" Hellburn asked.

"Well, yes…but still, somebody here probably misses me." Alberti answered. "I can't wait to tread the streets of Buenos Aires again. I want to see how much has changed in the past twenty-five years."

"We won't have much time to fool around. We have to watch the kids." Damian said, not taking his eyes off the binoculars he was using to spy on the contestants.

"Come on, Damian, the cast doesn't leave until tomorrow morning. We can pull an all nighter!" Manny pleaded.

"Then who'll pilot the plane when we leave in the morning?" Damian asked.

"Carter can stay back in the plane and sleep so he can fly us in the morning. I don't think he'll enjoy cruising around the town, I mean he never talks. He barely even moves!"

Carter responded to this by staying perfectly still and not moving or doing absolutely anything, like he'd been doing for the past fifteen minutes.

"Uggh…fine."

"YES!"

Alberti leaped at Damian and gave him a big hug. Damian responded by drawing a gun from his suit to shoot Alberti on his sidearm.

* * *

"OK, let's get ready for our first challenge!" Chris exclaimed.

"What is it?" Gwen asked.

"Meat Fights!" Chris exclaimed.

"Meat fights?" Bridgette asked, horrified.

"Yes. Meat Fights!"

"As in fighting…with meat?" The surfer asked.

"As weapons, yes."

"I can't do that! It's bad enough that meat is used as food but I can't advocate it being…wasted as a weapon for a silly challenge!" Bridgette exclaimed.

"Hey, this is not some silly meat challenge!" Chris countered. "Five interns died while hunting the wild Pampas bulls we needed for the meat."

"Couldn't you just get the meat form the super market?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah, but we mostly got it that way so we could send those five interns to their deaths because they were demanding better working conditions." Chris explained.

"Now why would they do that?" Gwen remarked sarcastically.

Chris glared at Gwen angirly.

"Anyhow, if Bridgette doesn't compete in the challenge, Team Amazon forfeits immediately." Chris explained.

"Bridge, I respect the moral standing and integrity of your vegetarianism but if it costs us the challenge, I will make you eat a squirrel." Courtney stated grimly.

"Courtney!" Gwen exclaimed.

"We need this challenge!" Courtney exclaimed.

"Don't worry guys…I'll take one for the team." Bridgette groaned.

"Thanks." Courtney said.

"For the challenge every contestant has to fight." Chris explained. "I've paired you off based on what I consider your equivalent roles in the teams. First, the two most insignificant members of both teams: Izzy and Cody."

"Hey!" Cody exclaimed.

"Oh don't worry, Izzy isn't really insignificant, she's just the last important member of her team but she is very popular." Chris explained.

"And me?" Cody asked.

"No, you're insignificant." Chris said, bluntly.

"Hey!"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody – **I know this season I've pretty much been in the background but from now on I'm going to take the lead in this game! Yeah! This season I am finally going to man up and impress Gwen and get her to like me! I'm going to do this by.../_Hesitates_/ I don't know how but I'll do it anyway, somehow! Yeah!

* * *

After a few minutes, the cast were lead to a large rectangular wooden corral in the middle of the great plains. At opposing corners of the corral were large wooden racks with huge chunks of meat mounted on them. The meat chunks were bigger than a human head. On each side there was a huge steak, a line of sausages, a piece of ham with a bone sticking out of the back, a huge meatball attacked to a chain and a sack with several chicken breasts and a slingshot inside it. Cody and Izzy stood at each corner, preparing for the fight.

"OK Cody, you can take her." Gwen said, reassuringly.

"Really?"

"…Maybe." Gwen said.

"Any tips, Courtney?" Cody asked.

"Are you religious?" Courtney asked.

"Not really."

"Here."

Courtney reached under her sweater vest and pulled out a small wooden cross from her breast pocket, which she then handed to Cody.

"As soon as the fight begins, start praying and never stop." Courtney advised.

"Courtney!" Bridgette exclaimed.

"Well, there's no use in worrying about this life when it's about to end." Courtney said. "He might as well prepare for the next one."

"Alright, let's begin!" Chris exclaimed.

Cody yelped in fear with a girly voice. Gwen looked at him funny for it and Cody tried to claim Heather did it, upon which Heather slapped the top of his head and told him to cover his balls.

"When I blow my whistle, you two start killing each other!" Chris exclaimed. "The fight doesn't end until one of you is unconscious or pinned under the other's chunk of meat. Each one of you can only pick one type of meat for the fight. Ready?"

Chris blew his whistle and both contestants turned to find the meat they wanted. Cody immediately grabbed the steak, figuring he could use it as a shield. Izzy grabbed the large ham leg and…promptly ate it in one bite.

"Izzy, you're not supposed to eat the meat, you're supposed to use it to beat up Cody!" Chris exclaimed.

"Oops. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was picturing Noah in a bikini." Izzy said.

"Excuse me?" Noah remarked.

"Does that mean I win?" Cody asked.

"I guess." Chris groaned. "She can't pick any other meat so…"

"Wait!" Izzy exclaimed. "I always have spare meat in case Owen needs a sandwich."

"It's true." Owen added.

"Gimme a sec." Izzy said.

The crazy girl stuck her hand inside her cleavage and dug around between her breasts until she found what she looked for and suddenly pulled out a huge piece of ham that was even bigger than the one she'd just consumed.

"How did she fit that in…?"

Cody couldn't finish his question, since Izzy had already smacked him across the face with the ham club and knocked him onto the corral wall. The redhead howled madly and leaped into the air, raising her ham above her head and preparing to swing it down on Cody upon landing. Luckily, Cody was able to raise his steak shield and protect himself form the crazy girl's vicious blow.

Izzy was unrelenting and tried to slam the ham down on Cody's face but the geek managed to hold back every blow with his shield. When Izzy raised the ham especially high for an especially powerful blow, Cody took the extra time lapse to move out of the way and stand up while Izzy slammed down. The redhead turned around and smiled wickedly as she faced Cody, back on his feet and raising the steak to use as a weapon.

"Ok Izzy, if you give in now…"

Izzy swung the ham at fierce speed and knocked the steak out of Cody's hands and into the air, followed by a patch of dirt a hundred meters away from the corral. Cody turned to Izzy again and laughed awkwardly as the crazy girl gave a Cheshire grin. Izzy raised her ham again and Cody half-gulped before she swung again and once more knocked him into the corral wall. The dork tried to get up but Izzy suddenly stood over him and rose up the ham. Cody gave a half-gulp once again before Izzy slammed the ham down on his chest. He grunted in pain as the crazy girl raised the ham and slammed it on his chest over and over for two whole minutes before finally holding it to his chest to pin him down.

"…And the winner, by a humiliating margin for her rival, is Izzy!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Yay!" The red head exclaimed, lifting the ham off Cody's chest but accidentally stepping on his crotch.

"Please get off me." Cody begged.

Izzy nodded and leaped into the air, doing several backflips before landing and scuttling out of the corral in a hand-stand. Cody groaned and tried to get off the floor, but found that his bodily injuries were handicapping that process. He only managed to get halfway up before Izzy struck him into the corral fence with another ham pound.

As Cody was brutally thrashed around the ring by the frenetic redhead, a goth girl approached a criminal on the side of the corral where the fight took place.

"Hey." Gwen said, trying not to look at Duncan in the face.

"Hey." Duncan said, not uncomfortable but finding Gwen's aversion unusual.

"Yeah, we have to talk about what we did…you know, the kiss in the confessional." Gwen said.

"Whoa, wait, ixnay on the iss-k." Duncan murmured. "We'll talk about it later…"

"When?"

"Whenever you know who isn't three feet away." Duncan said.

"Fine, but we have to settle this soon, this is chewing me up inside!"

"Can't go without your daily dose of badass bad boy?" Duncan asked, joking.

"Shut up." Gwen giggled.

"I love your giggle." Duncan said, flirtatiously.

Duncan's comment slightly stunned Gwen, who took a step back.

"OK see, that's something you can't do!"

"What?"

"Flirt with me…

"I'm just joking."

"That's the thing, you're not!"

"Well, how's that a bad thing?"

"Because…look, we can't talk about this now! Just, don't flirt with me until we can settle this later, OK?"

"Fine."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen **– /_With her face buried in her hands_/ I hate what he does to me! It's so totally wrong! And so totally hot!

**Duncan – **I don't know how Gwen can care so much about what Court will think. I mean, those two had been at each other's throats since TDA. How close could they have gotten in a few weeks of this season? I doubt much. Besides, Court will never change. She's always gonna be a shrewd control freak and I for one am sick of being in a relationship where I get chewed out every time I don't go her way.

* * *

On the other end of the corral, watching the fight more closely were the newly formed couple. Bridgette was leaning on the wooden frame of the corral while Alejandro had one of his arms wrapped around her shoulder, which she snuggled into.

Bridgette was looking at the carnage with concern but Alejandro was completely at ease.

"She's really pounding it into him." Bridgette said, shocked. "Can't you tell her to tone it down?"

"You've been on this show long enough to know telling Izzy to be less crazy doesn't really change squat." Alejandro said.

"But aren't you like, their team leader?" Bridgette asked.

"I don't want to think of myself as their leader. We're all a team. Sure, they do what I say because they recognize I know what I'm doing but there's no 'leader'." Alejandro explained. "At least, there isn't supposed to be."

"Huh?"

"Well, Noah doesn't exactly like the whole team equality thing so he's been trying to push around Owen and Izzy, because they're too nice." Alejandro answered. "I've tried telling him to be lenient with them but he didn't much appreciate the idea of being challenged for leadership, so I feel like he's conspiring to eliminate me. I'm afraid of having to go to the elimination ceremony because he could easily get me thrown out…and away from you."

Alejandro kissed the top of Bridgette's head and the surfer girl swooned.

"Are you sure Noah's doing that? I mean, he's always struck me as the guy who doesn't like his opinions going unfollowed, but I've never seen him as the guy who…conspires."

"I don't know for sure…it's just what appears to be happening." Alejandro said. "I'm sorry Bridgette, but I will have to compete extra fiercely against you and your friends if I don't want to get eliminated by Noah's plots."

"I totally understand." Bridgette said. "In fact, I'll help you if I can."

"What? You mean sabotaging your own team?"

"If I have to."

"Bridgette, I can't let you do that! It's wrong! Besides, it could get you eliminated and I don't want to be torn away from you so soon!"

"Don't worry about that…it's just to keep you safe from Noah until the merge. Besides, my team won't vote me off as long as Heather's here. If we go to elimination they'll kick out her, so I can last a couple of rounds until the merge."

"I still can't…"

"Trust me. It's for the better." Bridgette said, soothingly.

"Thank you, Bridgette. You are too nice."

"No, Al. You're too nice."

The surfer girl smiled and gave her boyfriend a light peck on the lips.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro – **Oh, poor, sweet, innocent Bridgette. Too naïve for this game. Now that I've got her sabotaging her own team, I don't think I even have to worry about elimination. She makes this _way_ too easy.

* * *

Cody groaned in defeated pain as he fell to the dirt floor with a thud. Izzy stood over him and rested her ham club on his back, pinning him down to the ground. Chris counted to three and promptly declared her the winner of the match, scoring a point for Team Chris.

"Now we'll have the Brain Match." Chris announced. "The two smartest members of each team will square off in battle."

"Step aside, ladies." Heather said, shoving Courtney and Gwen aside to get through.

"Heather, I'm glad you did that because now I get the pleasure of telling you that you're not the smartest member of your team."

"What?"

"Based on the IQ tests we made all of you take before this season, you are actually the dumbest member of your team." Chris said, holding back his laughter.

"Bulls/_bleep_/it!" Heather yelled.

"No. You are at the bottom. Under Bridgette, Gwen, Cody and Courtney in that order." Chris said.

"Ha!" Courtney celebrated, pumping a fist into the air. "In your face Gwen!"

"Courtney, we're friends now. Remember?"

"Right…sorry. Old habits die hard."

"I know."

"Now Courtney, step into the corral and choose your weapon." Chris instructed. "Noah, same thing."

"Wait. I have to fight Courtney?" Noah asked, terrified.

"Yes."

"Can I just forfeit right now and avoid the very obvious beating I'm going to get if I step in there?" Noah asked.

"What do you think?" Chris asked, sardonic and mocking.

"I figured not." Noah grumbled, stepping into the corral with defeatist disillusion.

"You're going to die, pipsqueak!" Courtney threatened.

"Not a surprise." Noah replied, looking over his possible weapons.

After brief reflection, he went for the steak, figuring it would make an adequate shield. He picked up his weapon and turned back to face the music. Courtney had already picked out her weapon: the giant meatball with the chain attached to it.

"What's that thing?" Noah asked.

"A meteor hammer." Courtney replied. "They taught me how to use one of these things in Advanced Gymnastics."

"Where was your teacher from, Ancient Rome?" Noah asked.

"Bulgaria actually." Courtney replied.

"Also explains it."

"Actually, Courtney." Chris interrupted, speaking from the side fence of the corral. "That's not a meteor hammer."

"What?"

"It's a meatier hammer." Chris chuckled at his lame pun.

The host gasped and threw himself backwards to dodge the giant meatball that Courtney had just swung at him.

"Easy, girl. Heel." Chris chuckled. "Save the aggression for the fight. Which starts now…FIGHT!"

Before Noah could even plead for mercy, Courtney had swung her meteor hammer at his face, striking him across the side of the head and knocking him into the corral fence. The girl chuckled and swung her hammer on an elipse circle while she slowly, almost predatorily approached her opponent.

"Come on, Noah. Get up." She teased.

What she least expected was for Noah to shoot up and take a swing at her, hitting her on the side of the head with his steak shield. The blow surprised her and knocked her to the ground, letting go of her weapon of choice as she fell, upon which Noah leaped up and tried to slam the steak down on her face. With her characteristix reflexes, Courtney dodged the blow and leapt to her feet while quickly reaching for the chain of her metor hammer and swinging it up. She gave the weapon one elipctic swing before hastily throwing an uneven blow in Noah's direction, which allowed him to dodge it (albeit barely) and charge at her with the steak.

Again, Courtney's reflexes let her dodge his blow, ducking just before he swung the steak at her head and with bolt speed, she punched him in the gut before shoving him to the side and onto the floor. The brunette picked up her weapon and began to swing it with speed, trying to get it stable potent as fast as she could, before taking a swing and striking Noah square in the face as he tried to get up. The boy fell back on his ass, not even being able to reattempt a dodge before Courtney took another swing at him, striking him square in the gut. The brunette left the giant meatball on top off Noah's stomach and then pressed her foot against his chest, pinning him down in defeat.

"And Courtney is the winner!" Chris exclaimed. "Point for Team Amazon!"

The Amazons cheered as their teammate got off the defeated bookworm and left the corral. The bookworm in turn crawled out of the corral, defeated but not humiliated, since everyone pretty much foresaw that ending.

"Our third bout of the night..."

"It's day time." Gwen pointed out.

"Our third bout of the night was originally going to be an Evil Battle, with the most evil members of each team fighting...but since Gwen is so driven to annoy me, it's going to be a Grim Match, between the two grimmest members of each team." Chris explained. "Gwen and Duncan, step right up!"

The two grim kids stepped into the corral/ring and browsed through their possible armaments. Duncan, being accustomed to using chains as weaponry, selected the line of linked sausages. Gwen, on the other hand, picked out the sack of chicken breasts and the slingshot.

"Good choice Gwen." Heather called out, mockingly. "I've always thought you needed more breasts."

"She needed more breasts?" Courtney asked. "In any case you'd mean she'd need bigger breasts."

"That's what I meant." Heather said.

"Then the joke doesn't really make sense." Courtney pointed out.

Heather tried to come up with a counter-argument, but upon not finding one, she merely turned to Gwen again.

"Gwen, you're really flat chested!" She yelled.

"Don't listen to her, Gwen!" Bridgette called out. "Your breasts are just fine the way they are!"

"Will you guys please stop talking about my boobs!" Gwen called out, blushing in embarassment.

"Hey, don't make them stop." Duncan said in a low voice. "I love talking about your boobs."

Normally Gwen, would take that as just another one of Duncan's tasteless teases, but after what had happened, she did not respond with her usual annoyed demeanour. She instead felt a terrifying sense of flattery and responded aggresively.

"Shut up, Duncan!" Gwen exclaimed.

Duncan just snickered.

"FIGHT!"

An aggravated Gwen dropped the slingshot to the ground.

"Good idea, dropping your weapon." Duncan chuckled.

Gwen glared at him before picking up the sack by the open end, tiying up said end into a knot to close it and then hoisitng the sack over her shoulder. Duncan was slightly confused as to what she was doing until she charged forward and swung the sack at his head, hitting him on the side and knocking him to the floor.

"Oh, good shot, Gwenny." Duncan groaned. "The last one has to be the best one."

Gwen tried to swing her sack at Duncan's face from the floor, but he managed to block the blow before grabbing Gwen's wrist to pull her to the ground. The bad boy straddled Gwen's back and pinned her arms to the ground.

"Ha! I won!" Duncan exclaimed.

"Nuh-huh." Chris said. "You're not pinning her down with the meat."

"Huh? Fine."

Duncan stuck Gwen's left hand under his leg and then reached for the sausage chain. Taking advantage of his distraction, Gwen pulled her right arm away from Duncan's hand and swiftly swung her elbow backwards into his crotch, only gracing his testicle but stil striking it hard enough to hurt him.

Duncan winced in pain and Gwen shoved him off herself before scampering to reach for her sack of chicken. Swinging it over her shoulder, she was startled when Duncan managed to whip her back with the sausage chain, still she did not fall as he had hoped and she swung around, throwing the sack of chicken breasts in the direction from which the chain whip had come, luckily striking Duncan on the chest and knocking him on his back.

Gwen scampered towards her sack and picked it up faster than Duncan could get up, giving her the chance to wing him on the side, which made him turn around and fall to the floor on his stomach. Gwen threw the sack at Duncan's back as he was halfway off the floor, knocking him forwards a few steps and onto the ground again. Gwen picked up the sack once more and began to spin around counterclockwise in a hammer-throw motion to try and get good, hard throwing force. Just as she let the sack go, Duncan managed to whip her with his chain sausages in the left cheek, causing her to stumble to the left and bang her head against one of the corral's fences. Simultaneously, her sack flew straight at Duncan's head and smacked him hard right in the forehead, knocking him to the ground and banging the back of his head against it. They were both knocked out cold.

"Oh my God! Duncan!" Courtney exclaimed.

The brunette leaped over the corral fence and bolted over to Duncan, once there she checked his pulse to see whether he was alive and was glad that he was (the blow to the head had seemed particularly hard from where she was standing). Bridgette did the same for Gwen and both girls began trying to revive their respective unconscious one. They managed to briefly ruse them out of their state, but they soon passed out again.

"Well, looks like there's a tie in this fight." Chris said. "And like we need to get those two grim kids into the infirmary before they get even more grim. Nurse Hatchet!"

Upon being called, Chef Hatchet appeared out of nowhere (as per his custom) wearing a nurse outfit (also as per his custom). The big bad cook hoisted both kids over his shoulders and began to carry them to the Jumbo Jet.

"Are they gonna be alright?" Courtney asked Chris.

"Am I the master of all time and space, knower of past and future?" Chris asked.

"Not funny, Chris." Courtney groaned. "They could be hurt."

"I've injured you kids worse before on this show, they'll be fine." Chris said. "Now, onto the next fight. Since the Evil Fight wasn't happening, I'll make up a new one on the spot. Just let me think..."

The contestants waited idly while Chris thought. Half an hour later, he announced:

"I know! Lovebird Match! Bridgette and Alejandro, into the ring!"

"What?" Bridgette exclaimed. "I can't fight my boyfriend! And with meat! I won't do it!"

"Bridgette..." Courtney growled. "Squirrel."

"But..."

"Take one for the team." Courtney said. "Don't make Gwen's injury be in vain."

"Fine."

The blonde got into the corral and browsed through the different weapons, selecting the chain of sausages as her weapon and being very sad when handling the meat. On the other end, Alejandro selected the "meatier" hammer as his weapon. They approached each other at the center of the ring.

"Don't worry Bridgette, I'll throw the fight. Just strike me a couple of times and I'll pretend I'm defeated." Alejandro said.

"No." Bridgette countered. "If you lose on purpose for me, Noah will probably get you eliminated."

"I can't actually fight you!" Alejandro said.

"You won't have to." Bridgette said. "Remember what I said, I'll do anything to help you. Just throw a couple blows at me and I'll act like I got beaten. My team won't eliminate me. Don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Totally."

"Thank you, Bridgette. You're too good."

"Thank you."

"Alright, lvoebirds." Chris said. "Enough foreplay. FIGHT!"

"OK, just hit me twice and I'll fall down." Bridgette said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, just do it."

"Alirght."

Without further hesitation, Alejandro swung the meteor hammer with great force at Bridgette's face, knocking her down. Then, he swung it on top of her stomach, pinning her down with it before stepping on top of the meatball to highlight this.

"And the winner is Alejandro." Chris said. "That was so fast it was boring. I wanted to see two lovers wailing on each other for a long time, what's up with that?"

"I'm just not a good fighter." Bridgette said, couching in pain.

"Are you alright?" Alejandro asked, helping her up.

"Yeah, just a little bruised."

"OK."

The blonde left the corral, standing next to her teammates. So did Alejandro.

"Dissapointing, Bridgette." Courtney groaned.

"Sorry, I did my best."

"Sure, sure. Whatever."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney - **/_Irritated_/ I understand and respect Bridgette's relationship with Alejandro, since he is a perfect gentleman, which is the only type of guy someone like Bridgette deserves...but I do not condone her letting her performance slip when she's faced with competing with her boyfriend. You can't let your feelings for your opponents affect your play in the competition. I never do that and neither should she.

* * *

"Now, the final Meat Fight of the ni...day." Chris said. "The Fatty Fight!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" Heather yelled. "Fatty Fight?"

"Yes, the fight of the fattest members of each team...Heather vs. Owen!"

"F/_bleep_/k you, McClean!" Heather yelled. "I am not the fattest one in my team!"

"According to the physical we made all of you take before this season, you are Heather." Chris said, chuckling oh-so-happily at Heather's anger. "You weigh the most. From fattest to skinniest on Team Amazon it's you, Courtney, Bridgette, Gwen and Cody."

"Cody's the thinnest?" Heather yelled.

"Well, less skinny and more scrawny." Chris said.

Cody wanted to reply, but figured if he did, Chris would only humiliate him further. So he kept his scrawny mouth shut.

"Now stop whinning and get in the corral to fight, fatty!" Chris exclaimed.

Heather flipped the host off and then climbed into the corral/ring. Heather selected the only remaining weapon, which was the ham club; while Owen did the same on his side, picking out the sack of chicken breasts and the slingshot.

"And...FIGHT!" Chris exclaimed.

The fat guy opened the sakc of chicken breasts and immeditely poured them onto his mouth, swallowing them al without chewing. The members of Team CIRRRRH (save for an amused Izzy) face-palmed.

"Owen, you were supposed to use those for the fight, not eat them!" Alejandro exclaimed.

"Sorry, I thought he said 'bite'." Owen explained.

"But you didn't even bite them." Alejandro said.

"Wait, he didn't bite?" Noah asked.

"No."

"S/_bleep_/t! Everyone cover your noses!" Noah exclaimed. "When Owen doesn't chew he gets automatic gas!"

"Huh?"

As if on cue, Owen belted out a huge, noxious cloud of methane fart gas. Most of the contestants managed to cover their noses and close their eyes before the poisonous cloud reached them but Heather, being next to Owen, didn't achieve that.

"You fat fu/_bleep_/er!" Heather yelled.

The mean girl threw a kick at Owen, incidentally hitting him in the right-back side of his shin.

"Ow! The right-back side of my shin!" Owen exclaimed. "My weak point!"

Immedaitely, Owen fell forward, collapsing on the ground.

"Well, that was plot convenient." Heather said.

The girl shrugged and pinned Owen to the ground with her ham club.

"Heather wins!" Chris exclaimed. "So that means we have a tie, which in turn means that nobody has any kind of advantage for the second challenge!"

"What is the second challenge?" Curtney asked.

"Before I can explain it, we have to make a short trip on the Jumbo Jet. Everyone get back on, it's a half-hour flight and then we begin the challenge!"

* * *

In the Jumbo Jet's infirmary, a banged up Duncan and Gwen were roused out of their unconsciousness by the roar of the plane taking off. Since Chef Hatchet had to leave to pilot the plane, they had to take care of themselves upon waking up and it took them about ten minutes to realize they were in the room with each other.

"Jesus, Gwen. You went all out on me." Duncan groaned. "I didn't think you ahd it in you."

"Courtney isn't the only Amazon who can pack a punch." Gwen said.

"Speaking of her." Duncan said. "What do we do about her?"

"What's there to do?" Gwen asked, nervous.

"We will have to eventually tell her about us, you know?"

"There is no 'us', Duncan."

"What?"

"At least not yet, I haven't figured it out."

"What's there to figure out? I dig you, you obviously dig me. Let's not go through the same routine I went with Princess cause I am not in the mood for that now." Duncan groaned.

"It's not that easy, Duncan. You're dating Courtney and she's my friend..."

"I am not going to be dating her for long. With you or without out you I am still dumping her." Duncan said.

"You should really think about that more. She's changed during this season, Duncan." Gwen said. "I mean it. Why do you think I'm friends with her now?"

"I just assumed Chris had finally driven you crazy." Duncan joked. "I am still leaving her. I made up my mind a long while ago and I'm going to do it. After that there's no more her and me, so we can do whatever we want."

"I can't date you after you break up with her, Duncan!" Gwen exclaimed.

"Well how about later. We wait until the season's over and the heat's died down and then we can hook up?"

"I'm not even sure if I want to do it now, Duncan."

"Why not? We're cool. We get along and you definitely dig me. We'll still hang out like we do now, except, you know...with a lot more making out." Duncan said, seductively grinning at Gwen, who promptly blushed.

"Shut up." She chuckled.

"See!"

"Fine...I guess we could give it a try." Gwen said. "But only after the season...after things with Courtney have cooled down."

"Sure." Duncan said.

"...And Duncan."

"What?"

"When you leave her...please be gentle."

"Sure, babe. Anything for you."

* * *

The cast were not entirely surprised when they were called to the cargo deck. They were even less surprised when Chris once again handed them parachutes and opened the trapdoor that allowed them all to fall through the open air, with the early midday sun blaring into them as they finally touched ground...some more gently than others.

"Sh/_bleep_/t!" Cody screamed as his parachute was gashed by a passing bird and he fell nearly fifteen feet down before hitting the dirt next to a very filthy river.

The cast had landed on a cobbled street. Ahead of them the street continued with row after row of mutli-colored several story-high houses. Unlit old-timey street lamps were at every corner and shop signs were painted in early 20th century conventional font. Beside the place where the cast had landed was a muddy embankment (where Cody had landed) and at the bottom of the embankment was a small, very filthy lake the poured out into a wide, very, very filthy river. In the near distance, at the opposite edges of the lake were two large platforms made of rather crappy wood and metal connected by what appeared to be a zipline cable.

"Where are we?" Gwen asked, again.

Chris landed near the cast, using his jetpack and holding his phone, very fixated on it.

"I'm looking into that right now. The Producers sent me an e-mail about this place and I am literally lost without this thing." Chris said. "Apparently we're in someplace called El Caminito...ah yes, the producers told me about this challenge."

"What challenge?" Gwen asked.

"A little, very, very dangerous and painful challenge called El Caminito De El Muerte." Chris said, snickering evily. "The Road of Death!"

"Chris, el Caminito De El Muerte is an atrocious grammatic nightmare." Courtney growled. "The proper way to say it would be El Caminito De _La_ Muerte, or at least El Caminito De Muerte..."

"Hey...noone cares." Noah remarked, earning a shove to the floor from Courtney.

"The challenge, I continue ignoring Courtney, is to make it across six street blocks of this small decorative, traditional Argentine neighbourhood known as El Caminito." Chris explained. "And climb atop that three story-high platform over there..."

Chris pointed to the construction on the right side of the filthy lake.

"...To swing across to the opposing platform through that zipline." Chris explained.

"That simple?" Cody asked.

"Of course not!" Chris chuckled. "There's a crapload of deadly obstacles in the way!"

"You and your big mouth, Cody!" Heather exclaimed, giving the dork a slap in the back of the head.

"You can take two paths." Chris said. "Either through the street or through the houses, which are all abandoned and are just maintained for decorative purposes. The houses are stocked-full of horrible, deadly traps."

"...And the streets?"

"Filled with even more, horrible deadly traps...less deadly than the ones in the houses, but a lot more of them!" Chris exclaimed. "Now...are you ready?"

The contestants braced themselves, getting into racing stance.

"You have to go down this long street and turn left when you reach the train tracks. Then, go down that street and turn when you reach the Tango Café to finally bolt down a last street to reach the zipline platform." Chris explained. "Now...GO!"

The contestants bolted forward through the streets. As soon as they were too far away to throw anything at him, Chris pulled out a megaphone.

"Also, the river you're gonna be ziplining over is the Riachuelo, which is like the most polluted lake in the American continent so if you fall in you might suffer some chemical burns or something." He spoke over the megaphone. "Just thought you should know."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah **- /_Covered in bruises and burns_/ Chris...someday you will regret not getting a face change surgery...because I am going to find you.

* * *

Noah was the first to go. He decided that the way the rest of the cast was just bolting down the street that was _crammed full of booby-traps_ was careless and thus made a quick scan of the street before moving forward. Having decided on a trajectory where he calculated he was the least likely to stumble onto a hidden trap, he took the first step forward and promptly stumbled upon a hidden trap.

The cobble he stepped on receded and revealed itself to be a switch. Immediately, one of the old-timey street lamps' glass covering opened to reveal a laser blaster inside of it.

"Crap."

The blast was swift and painful, scarring and burning Noah severely while knocking him on his back. The blow to the back of the head upon landing knocked him out.

"Little Buddy, are you OK?" Owen yelled as he crouched next to his friend.

The unconscious Noah couldn't really respond, so Owen kept shaking him to rouse him from his unaware state. Owen, however, was forced to stop his attempted revival when a laser blast missed his head by mere centimeters. He looked up at the still active laser in the old-timey lamp and gulped. The fat guy spran to his feet and hightailed it as fast and as far as his feet would carry him, luckily avoiding all the laser blasts by tiny, tiny inches.

Above the place where the fat guy was running, Courtney and Heather were making their way through the second floors of the different colored houses. The houses were all bunched up together and were communicated with each other through large holes in the opposing walls of the house (which Chris had blown there for the purpose of the challenge). The second floor was just a large living room like space, while the first and third were a series of very small bedrooms and bathrooms . All rooms were precarious and slightly filthy, since in the past the houses had been the living quarters of lower class workers.

"OK, be careful Heather. Logic would suggest the next house has a trap in it." Courtney said as the two girls made their way through the hole in the wall that led to the fourth house in the row on the left side of the street.

"It's probably something really stupid to humiliate us." Heather said. "Like some slime or goop or something stupid Chris would find funny."

"Actually, I'm thinking more of an automatic crossbow with a motion detection sensor on it." Courtney said.

"You're kidding, right?" Heather asked mockingly.

Heather looked at Courtney and realized the brunette had a laser pointer aimed right at her forehead. The Asian girl looked forward and saw an automatic crowssbow with a motion detector sensor positined right above the whole in the wall that led to the next house.

"Little help, teammate?" Courtney asked.

"I don't know..." Heather doubted, mockingly. "I mean I've always thought that one should only help those who help them..."

Before Heather could finish the mocking sentence, Courtney picked her up over her head and threw her into the crossbow, breaking the mechanism and smashing the sensor.

"You bi/_bleep_/ch!" Heather yelled. "That fu/_bleep_/ing hurt!"

"It couldn't hurt that bad." Courtney said dismissively.

"The arrow is stuck on my butt!" Heather yelled, turning backwards to show Courtney that indeed, the crossbow's arrow had stabbed her in the butt.

"Oh." Courtney said. "Want me to pull it out?"

"No, I want it to stay there so every step I take is a small agony!" Heather yelled.

"No need to get cranky." Courtney said, grabbing the arrow.

"Just pull out the arrow, you bit-ouch!"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – /**_Furious_/ Forget the weird goth girl! As soon as we hit the elimination deck, Courtney is getting her preppy little butt kicked off this show! Nobody ruins my favorite designer short-shorts with an arrow!

* * *

On ground level, most of the remaining cast was in trouble. Gwen, Bridgette, Duncan and Alejandro had been carefully making their way through the street, trying to avoid traps, when Bridgette stepped on a false cobblestone, which caused several lasers to shoot out of the buildings and form a laser maze around them.

Trying to navigate their way through this laser maze, most of them had gotten caught in uncomfortable positions and couldn't move forward. Bridgette was standing on her left leg and right arm, with her right leg hanging in the air (her knee hovering above a laser) and her left arm balancing her by being pressed against a wall (though only by the tips of her fingers). Alejandro was standing only on his right leg, with his left leg hovering between two lasers and with his left arm barely grasping a low hanging sign for balance. Gwen was on all fours, constantly sucking in her stomach because her midriff was between two lasers that were too pressed together to let her hips pass. Her position wouldn't have been so uncomfortable if Duncan hadn't been right behind her, his face mere inches away from her butt, since he was in a position almost identical to hers except that with his left hand unable to touch the ground due to lack of room.

"OK guys, think. We have to find a way to work together out of this. We can't just stay here forever." Bridgette said.,

"I wouldn't mind staying here forever." Duncan said, slyly as he stared at Gwen's butt.

"Shut up, Duncan!" An irritated Gwen exclaimed.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Owen screamed in panic.

The fat guy panted and screamed as he ran for his life, the light posts still trying to shoot lasers at him.

"Owen, watch out! These are lasers too!" Bridgette exclaimed.

The fat guy didn't hear the surfer's warning and ran straight into the lasers...going right through them unharmed, though still screaming as he ran from the other, real lasers.

"Huh?"

Gwen lifted her hand and touched one of the lasers, discovering they didn't burn and were merely projection lasers, like the ones used on relatively harmless (but immensley annoying) laser pointers. The contestants all touched the harmless lasers and upon discovering their inherent harmlessness, they merely walked out of the laser maze.

"Yeah, we couldn't afford real lasers for some traps because we had to spend most of this episode's budget on bribing local politicians to let us litter this historical site with traps for the challenge." Chris explained over his megaphone. "Sorry."

Bridgette, Alejandro, Duncan and Gwen ignored this and continued making their way through the trap-laden street. Upon making it to the end of the first street, Duncan noticed something on the sidewalk...a lasso lying on the floor, which was clearly part of a trap. He waited for them to be running close enough and approached Gwen.

"Gwen, you know I like you, so don't take this as something personal." Duncan said.

Before she could respond, he shoved her to the side, causing her to step inside the lasso, which immediately tightened around her ankle, hoisiting her several feet up into the air and leaving her hanging upside down.

"You jerk!" Gwen yelled.

"It's just business, darling!" Duncan called back as he ran off.

Gwen kicked and thrased while she tried to reach her ankle, but coudln't reach. She was totally stuck.

* * *

Observing the situation from their control room in their private Jet which was parked in the middle of a busy avenue (something they could do because they bribed a local politician), the Producers noticed Gwen's peril and unanimously concluded that it wasn't quite as deadly as it should be.

"Do we shoot her with one of the real lasers?" Alberti asked.

"I was thinking more on the 'releasing a deadly wild animal to circle around below her waiting for her to fall' line of torture." Damian responded. "What's the deadliest animal we have on stock there?"

"Cougars." Alberti replied.

"That'll do." Damian said. "Carter, release the cougars!"

* * *

"Will somebody please let me down?" Gwen yelled.

Gwen was yell once again, but her shout was drowned out by the noise of loud roaring. Out of nowhere, a herd of five cougars burst out into the street, charging towards Alejandro, Bridgette, Owen and Duncan. The vicious mountain lions lept with every move forward, growling and baring their fangs as they chased the four terrified contestants down the trap-laden street. Meanwhile, the fifth cougar remained behind and contented itself with circling around the hanging Gwen, occasionally growling and taking a small leap towards her but never managing to strike her with its vicious claw.

"On second thought, up here's not so bad..."

"Goddamnit Courtney, you can't leave me here!" Heather yelled.

"You were going to leave me in the crossbow trap!" Courtney yelled back as she stepped out of one of the old houses.

"That was a crossbow, this is quicksand!" Heather yelled.

"Stop whinning, it's not deep enough to take in your head!" Courtney yelled back.

"I'm going take your head and bash it into..."

Courtney slammed the house door and stepped outside to be met with the sight of the cougar circling Gwen.

"Hey Courtney, how's it hanging?" Gwen asked sarcastically.

"Need some help?" Courtney asked rhetorically.

"It would be appreciated." Gwen replied.

"OK, just let me get rid of the cougar." Courtney said.

The brunette took a fight stance and then yelled at the wild cat.

"Hey kitty!"

The cougar turned to look at her in a stereotypical "oh no, she didn't face" manner that you'd expect an animal to somehow be able to pull off in a cartoon. Courtney continued.

"My baby raccoon Brittany could take your face off in a fight any day!" Courtney yelled.

The cougar, even though it couldn't speak english, could tell that this strange olive skinned creature was telling him something insulting, probably about his cougar momma and her morbid obesity. Naturally, the cougar got angry and responded by pouncing at Courtney.

Courtney watched, unfazed, as the angry wild cat rushed towards her. She was waitin for the precise moment when the cat lepat up to strike, which is when she could pull off her move. As soon as the mountain lion pounced, Courtney slipped downwards, dodging the cougar's claws and managing to grab it by the underbelly, after which she slammed the cougar on its back into the ground. Using the unnatural reflexes that years of martial arts training had given her, Courtney swiftly delivered a Lin Slice to the cougar's throat, stunning it and incapacitating its lower body for ten minutes.

"Jesus Courtney!" Gwen exclaimed. "How'd you do that?"

"There's nothing a can do attitude can't achieve." Courtney said as she approached a nearby window. "Plus, ten years of martial arts training and a lot of repressed anger help."

The brunette smashed the window and picked up one of the broken glass shards, which she then threw at the the rope holding Gwen upside down, cutting her lose and dropping her to the ground with a thud.

"Thanks Court." Gwen grumbled.

"Don't mention it, now let's get going. We're already behind!" Courtney exclaimed. "I'm sure the other cougars will have held up those losers long enough for us to get ahead of them."

The girls began to make their way to the next street, but a few meters in, Gwen stepped on a cobblestone trigger and a large steel cage dropped on top of them, trapping them.

"GWEN!" Courtney yelled.

"Sorry."

* * *

"Nice kitty, nice kitty." Alejandro cooed.

The young hispanic teen was lying on the sidewalk, back against the wall as one of the country's most vicious predators was closing in on him.

"I'm too muscular and strong, my meat will be hard and rough." Alejandro pleaded. "There's an unconscious dork lying on the ground a few blocks back. He's a lazy bookworm, his meat will be soft and tender! Eat him, goddamnit! I'm too young and handsome to die!"

The cougar took another step forward, after which it would pounce and eat its meal, but unfortunately (for it) the next step made it step on a loose trigger tile, which made a trapdoor appear in the sidewalk, dropping the wild cat into a pit filled with green jell-o.

"¡Oh madre santa, gracias!" Alejandro exclaimed as he got up.

The teen ran a few steps before stepping on another loose trigger tile, which caused the wall next to him to strping forward through a mechanism and crush him agains the wall on the opposite end of the street. The wall segment then receded back into its position, allowing the maimed Alejandro to fall to the sidewalk, unconscious.

Further ahead, the rest was also in trouble, somewhat. Bridgette got lucky as her cougar triggered a laser trap and was knocked out by a laser blast to the face, though she got unlucky almost immediately when she triggered a trap that caused a huge wrecking ball to swing out of one of the buildings and knock her into the opposite building, knocking her out. Owen triggered a trap that made a parked Ford Falcon shoot a fireball at his butt from the front grill; luckily enough (somewhat) he farted afterwards and the ensuing flame blast startled and scared away the cougar that had been chasing him. Duncan set off a trap that sprayed green paint at his face, which annoyed him but did not stop him, which was lucky, since by not stopping he managed to dodge the returning wrecking ball that had struck Bridgette, which now struck his cougar into a wall.

The two contestants turned on the corner to the final stretch street and were surprised to see Cody emerge from one of the nearby houses, which was on fire.

"How did you get this far, dork?" Duncan asked.

"I did what I've done all my life, run away from things and people trying to beat me up." Cody explained. "I'm quite agile, I can personally squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size."

"Yeah, but can you dodge a blow to the face that's twice as strong as you?"

"Huh?"

Duncan shoved Cody in the face, knocking him to the floor and causing his butt to land on a loose cobblestone trigger. The three remaining contestants stopped as a huge rumbling shook the street and several crashing noises erupted form behind them. They all turned to look behind just in time to see a huge boulder smash through one of the houses behind them to begin rolling at a high-speed towards them. They unleashed high pitched screams while they ran, terrified, from the boulder that was hurtling towards them. Lasers, wrecking balls, cannon balls, shotgun blasts, cougars, cougars with shotguns and cougars made of shotguns were thrown repeatedly at them as the boulder set off every trap that was placed on the street.

Eventually Owen was knocked down by one of these shotgun-made cougars, falling flat on his back, facing the approaching boulder.

"AAAARGH!" Owen screamed.

"OWEN!" Duncan and Cody yelled.

The fat guy closed his eyes in fear and shouted as he awaited swift, horrible death.

"Oh man, I always thought Izzy would be the death of me!" Owen screamed. "Where is Izzy, by the way?"

* * *

Earlier in the challenge (as in at the very start), Izzy had noticed something odd. A strange, hovering robot approached the Riachuelo and extracted some water from its murky, toxic surface with a lead-lined bucket. Intrigued by what a robot might have been doing with a bucket filled with toxic water, the crazy redhead followed the robot, which led her to a very tall, abandoned building in the nearby area.

The robot took the elevator to the top floor and Izzy swiftly did the same with another elevator. Upon reaching the top floor (which was the roof), Izzy was welcomed with the sight of ten identical hovering robots, a control panel and her nemesis Dr. Eric Praline.

"Well, well, well...if it isn't my enemy, CONTROL Super Agent Izzy." Praline stated mockingly. "How did you find me this time?"

"Followed that robot." Izzy said, pointing to the robot holding the lead-lined bucket.

"Goddamnit Louis, I told you to be careful!" Praline yelled at the robot.

"Sorry master." Louis said in a saddened robotic voice. "I'm just trying to do my best. Things aren't easy at home. The wife is very sick."

"Oh right, how is Sharon, is she getting better?" Praline asked.

"Not really."

"Oh."

"What are you doing with the toxic water, anyway, Praline?" Izzy asked.

The mad doctor turned to his enemy and snapped back to evil mode.

"A very fine question, Izzy. One that can be easily answered by that thing over there." Praline answered, pointing behind Izzy.

"What?"

Izzy turned around and the doctor took his opportunity to draw a tranquilizer gun to shoot Izzy with it in the neck. The dart struck her jugular dead center, knocking her out could while Praline burst into maniacal laughter.

* * *

Owen screamed in terror as the boulder finally got to him. The giant rock rolled on top of Owen, getting close to crushing him before reaching his stomach. The giant stone suddenly came to a brutal halt as it tried to make its way over the fat guy's giant, spherical belly, struggling to make it through bu ultimately getting stuck halfway across. Suddenly Owen's stomach decompressed (having been compressed by the rock) and shot forward, launching the boulder high up into the air until it dissappeared in the distance. Owen passed out from shock.

"Well, that was fu/_bleep_/ing weird." Duncan said.

The bad boy turned around to see that Cody had already gotten ahead of him and was heading for the large metallic construction that had the zipline mounted on it.

"Oh no, you don't dweeb!" Duncan exclaimed, running towards the construction as well.

"Finally." Cody grunted as he made his way up the seven story high construction. "A chance to be the hero for my team!"

The dork climbed up as fast as he could, his eyes dead-set on the goal ahead. As he made it to the top of the structure and saw the zipline handle, he bolted for it and upon taking hold of it, he rejoiced.

"OK Gwen, this one's for you!"

"Not quite, Codemeister!" Duncan exclaimed.

"Huh?"

The punk grasped Cody by the back of his sweater and then hoisted him up in the air before throwing him over the side of the construction. The geek screamed in terror before luckily grasping a the edge of a low telephone pole. The punk cackled and then grabbed the zipline handle before jumping over the edge of the construction, sliding along the zipline.

It appeared as if though the punk was going to win the challenge by being a douche but fate would extend a hand to the poor geek with heroic aspirations in the form of a giant boulder falling out of the sky and smashing the construction they had just climbed into a million teeny-tiny pieces.

The boulder Owen had shot up crashed right into the construction, causing the zipline cable to snap loose, making Duncan scream in girlish terror as he fell through the air, missing the toxic lake by a few meters and instead hitting the muddy embakment, his face and body drenched in sludge and covered in bruises from the fall before passing out.

On the other end of the lake, Cody was still hanging from the telephone pole when he witnessed Duncan's hilarious fall. While chuckling to himself, he thought of a new plan to get across the lake. He climbed onto the pole and took off his sweater, which he then swung over the telephone wire before taking hold of it by either side. Praying that his sweater would hold, Cody leaped forward and slid across the lake on his makeshift zipline. Luckily for him, the sweater held and our geeky hero made it to the other side unharmed, after which he swung himself onto the construction and crossed the finish line.

"...And Cody is the winner! Team Amazon have won today's team challanges!" Chris exclaimed over the megaphone.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody – **I did it! I DID IT! I know I said I was going to be the hero in the earlier confessional but I didn't believe any of that, yet I actually did it! This so cool! I bet Gwen is going to be totally impressed now!

**Gwen –** Courtney got kind of mad that she got trapped because of me but it wasn't my fault! Sure, I stepped on the trigger but it was an accident. Still, I guess it's progress for her. The old Courtney would have killed me while we were locked in the cage...besides she'll get over it. /_Pauses_/...oh and I guess it was kinda cool that Cody won us the challenge...I guess.

* * *

The contestants, all injured in some manner, were brought to the large platform that Chris and Cody were standing on. Duncan and Heather were both covered in bruises, sludge and mud; Courtney and Gwen had strained, bruised arms from trying to force the cage bars; Owen and Noah had sustained painful burns due to the lasers and fireballs, Noah in his face and Owen in his butt and Bridgette and Alejandro both had full-body bruising due to being slammed with great force against walls.

"Tha twas spectacular!" Chris exclaimed. "With all the awesome footage we have of you guys getting messed up during this challenge, this episode's promo is gonna get us so many rating points! Especially Alejandro cowering in fear in front of the cougar!"

"Shove it, McClean." Alejandro growled.

"Nonetheless, Team Amazon wins today's challenges and get to stay in first class today...but they haven't gotten the big prize of today's challenges!" Chris said.

"What do you mean?" Heather asked.

"The big prize will go to two lucky contestants who manage to win the next challenge!" Chris explained.

"What's the challenge?" Heather asked.

"Praying like a scared little girl for God to save you when you're sinking in obviously fake quicksand! Congrats, Heather! You win!" Chris mocked.

"Shove it, McClean!" Heather growled.

The host chuckled.

"We'll tell you the challenge when we get to the correct location." Chris said. "Where there will be lots of cougars and quicksand for our two most chicken-like contestants to tremble at."

"Shove it, McClean!" Heather and Alejandro yelled.

The two evil contestants pushed Chris sumultaneously, causing the host to stumble backwards off the platform ledge and fall into the toxic lake below.

"Oh Jesus fu/_bleep_/ing Christ! My beautiful face!" Chris screamed in pain.

"We're screwed." Alejandro muttered.

"Yeah."

* * *

Izzy's eyes slowly drifted open, allowing the glimmering light of the warm afternoon sun to pour into her iris. The light gave way to vision and vision gave way to the evil face of Dr. Eric Praline. Izzy looked around herself and saw she was being suspended in midair by one of Praline's hovering robots. Below her was the void of a forty story-high drop.

"Well, well, Agent Izzy...it appears you have foolishly fallen into my cluthces once again." Praline mocked.

"Damn you, Dr. Praline, tell me what your evil plan is!" Izzy demanded.

"Ha ha. I am not falling for that again." Praline chuckled. "My evil plan is to gather five million gallons of toxic water from the nearby toxic river and store them in that million gallon container."

Praline pointed to a gigantic boiler-like metal container that was in thew farthest corner of the rooftop. The container had a small door in the front and a large slot through which the robots poured in the toxic water out of the lead-lined buckets they carried it with.

"After getting all the toxic water, I'll take it to Europe and..."

Praline paused and thought for a second.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure what I'll do with the toxic water but I'm planning to do something evil with it to destroy Belgium." Praline said.

"Something evil?" Izzy asked, kind og disspaointed and confused. "Kind of general and useless."

"I know!" Praline whined. "I was originally going to pour it all over Belgium and kill everyone there with it but it turns out Belgium isn't as small in real life as the maps show it is."

"You didn't know that?"

"Well, it's not like I've ever been to Belgium or talked to or even met a Belgian person who could tell me otherwise." Praline groaned. "Still, it's five million gallons of toxic water. I'm sure there's something evil I can do to destroy Belgium with five million gallons of toxic water!"

"Wait a minute." Izzy interrupted. "You're trying to cram five million gallons of water into a million gallon container?"

"Yes."

"You don't see the problem with that?"

"What possible problem could there be with trying to cram a large amount of something into a container that has five times less capacity than the intended, Oh I see."

Praline turned to the container once again, which was shaking and straining to hold in the excess water. Screws began to pop out of place and the door began to creak.

"Well, that was predictable really."

The container door burst off and a powerful stream of toxic water shot out continuously with great force, striking Praline and knocking him off the building rooftop. The doctor shot across the air, screaming in terror before landing in the middle of the Riachuelo's toxic waters and sinking into its depths.

Izzy swung around on the robots' arms, causing it to let her go just as she was swinging forward, landing on the buildings' roof. The redhead prepared to leave when she noticed a big, red button right next to the exit door.

"What did my great uncle James used to say about big, red buttons?" Izzy asked herself.

Suddenly, a white thought balloon appeared above Izzy's head and famous Irish author James Joyce appeared inside of it.

"What the hell?" Joyce yelled. "How did I get here, where am I?"

"What did you used to say about big, red buttons, Uncle James?"

"I'm not your uncle!" Joyce yelled. "Who the hell are you?"

"Look buddy, we needed a celebrity cameo in this chapter to make up for the fact that the author hasn't published anything in months and the only one we could use was a dead guy, so are you gonna play along or what?" Izzy asked.

"Play along with what? You jerks just pulled me out of the Writer's Heaven 847th Annual Billiards Tournament and I have no idea where I am!" Joyce yelled.

"Just tell me what your opinion is on pushing big, red buttons and we'll let you go." Izzy said, grunting.

"Sure...just don't push the damn button. It'll probably trigger a nuclear holocaust or something." Joyce said, disgruntled. "Now can I go?"

"Sure."

The author and the thought bubble dissappeared and then Izzy pressed the red button.

"Self-destruct sequence initiated..."

"Oops! My B!"

* * *

"This is all your fault." Heather exclaimed.

"You shoved him off the plstform too, Heather." Alejandro replied.

"It's still your fault." The girl shot back.

The two evil contestants were in the Café Tango, awaiting the end of the next challenge, whcih they had been excluded from for shoving Chris into the toxic waters of the Riachuelo, an assault that had caused him mild but still horribly painful chemical burns. Both of them were sitting across from each other on an empty table in the café. The only other people there other than them were three musicians in suits and sunglasses. One musician had a bandoneon, another was sitting at a piano and had a violin at his side and the last one had a double bass and a guitar at his side.

"Being excluded from this challenge isn't neccesarily a bad thing, heather." Alejandro said.

"Right, losing a reward is just freakin' great!" Heather exclaimed.

"Despite that, I've wanted to get you alone for a while now." Alejandro said.

"I thought you were dating Bridgette, though I actually wouldn't put it past a manipulative jerk like you to cheat." Heather said.

"Not because of that." Alejandro groaned. "We are the smartest players this show has ever seen. Also the most determined, the most cunning and above all...the most unscrupulous."

"Preaching to the choir, Al." Heather said.

"Where I was going was that we are clearly the most capable players here...so we should team up to get the lesser dolts out of the way and then face off in the finale." Alejandro said. "Mano a mano. The greatest battle this show, scratch that, the greatest battle the entire audiovisual world will ever see."

Heather thought about it for a minute.

"As temtping as it sounds, how do I know you won't stab me in the back halfway through?" Heather asked, doubtful.

"You have my word of honor."

"I have a sack of BS."

"OK, if my honor isn't good enough, you can trust I won't because by the end of the season the rest will probably know my true intentions and will gang up against me." Alejandro began. "I need a powerful ally who will help me to the finale and you're the only one who would accept that because you're the only one who has a chance against me when we get to the finale."

"I'm still not sure."

"Well..."

The infamous chime rang out.

"Seriously?" Alejandro growled. "Now? They can't expect us to sing now!"

"Yes we do!" The musician with the bandoneon said.

"Alberti, we're supposed to be the musicians!" The musician with the bass and the violin growled.

"Oh, I meant...el señor Chris quiere que canten, ya." The bandoneon placer said.

"Smooth." The bassist replied.

"Musicians, Damian." The bandoneonist reminded.

"Oh, right...si, cantar now, ahora lo que whatever. Canten and staff." The bassist said in broken spanish.

The bandoneonist began to play a smooth introduction melody, which was joined in by the piano. Once the intro was done, the bandoneonist conitnued playing a tune piece while the pianist changed to his violin while the bassist joined for the rhythm section. As the music led into the first verse of what was now clearly a tango number, Alejandro took Heather by the hip and the left hand and led her into a dance while he sang.

"_**El mundo carcomido en una cruda realidad  
Donde el traidor es héroe  
Y el villano es hombre de lealtad.  
Que crudo lo subjetivo, ¿Quién te va ayudar?  
No te quedan más amigos.  
Se los llevo la tentadora maldad.  
¿A quién le importa ahora que te vuelvas libertino?  
¿Qué robes a los curas?  
¿Qué seas santo vespertino  
Y chorro en la mañana?**_"

"What are you singing?" Heather asked, confused.

"About being evil. Don't ruin the moment." Alejandro said.

The melody and rhythm changed as the song went into the chorus and Alejandro kept in time, singing a new line.

"_**En un mundo colorido con sangre de santo  
Ya no hay muerto malherido que causo espanto.  
Ya no hay traición que hiera o hiele la sangre.  
Ya no hay verdad absoluta, no es como era antes.  
Sellá la santa memoria y cubrí la herida con sal  
Olvidate de los santos  
Bailando el tango del mal.**_"

The musicians switched back to the verse tune and Heather stopped Alejandro. She switched their positions and took the lead from him, beginning to sing in this verse herself.

"_**What a dirty, sickly hell hole that life has become  
Your friends use and abuse you  
And toss you out when they're done.  
When morality is stricken, the pure ones are dumb  
The bastards are winners  
So choose what side you're on.  
If You're smart you play with a knife behind your back  
With sugar on your tongue  
And with a ready pouncing stance  
So you're the first to attack.**_"

The musicians switched to the chorus once again and Alejandro tried to take the lead once again, but Heather kept charge and sung on.

"_**In a world brightly colored with the blood of a saint  
There isn't much anymore that can make a person faint.  
There's nothing to wound or boil the blood anymore  
There's no absolute reality, not like it was before.  
Salt the wound and make the holy memory feeble  
Forget about the saints.  
While dancing the tango of evil.**_"

The musicians began to play a harmonious bridge section with the bandoneon, the guitar and the violin while Heather and Alejandro danced on, alternating the lead but most importantly, looking into each other's eyes with evil, devious expressions convinced of what they had to do. Convinced of their evil alliance.

The music changed again when the bridge ended and with Alejandro leading, the two villains sang the chorus once again, in counterpoint.

"_**En un mundo colorido con sangre de santo/**__**In a world brightly colored with the blood of a saint**_  
Ya no hay muerto malherido que causo espanto./_**There isn't much anymore that can make a person faint.**_  
Ya no hay traición que hiera o hiele la sangre./_**There's nothing to wound or boil the blood anymore**_.  
Ya no hay verdad absoluta, no es como era antes./_**There's no absolute reality, not like it was before.**_  
Sellá la santa memoria y cubrí la herida con sal/_**Salt the wound and make the holy memory feeble**_  
Olvidate de los santos/_**Forget about the saints**_  
Bailando el tango del mal.**/**_**While dancing the tango of evil.**_"

The music ended with the infalible "chan chan" and Alejandro and Heather stopped their wicked dance of evil.

"Then we are decided?" Alejandro asked.

"Then we are decided." Heather replied.

* * *

"Well kiddies, this is...some avenue." Chris declared, somewhat at a loss.

"Some avenue?" Gwen asked.

The entire cast, minus Alejandro, Heather and Izzy plus Chris, were in front of a very, very, very wide avenue. The avenue had several lanes that were constantly being driven through by several speeding cars. A rather large plaza was nearby, which had a huge obselisk in the center of it. Several people were in the plaza, looking at the contestants and recognizing them.

"¡Che, ese es Owen!"

"¡Y el pajero de Noah! ¡Ese es un cago de risa!"

"¡Ahí están Courtney y Duncan!"

"¡Que se besen! ¡Que se besen!"

"¡También están Gwen y Duncan!"

"¡Que se besen! ¡Que se besen!"

"¿Dónde está la puta de Heather? ¡Le quiero tirar un garzo!"

"¡Alejandro es garca! ¡Alejandro es recontra garca!"

"We certainly have a lot of fans." Noah remarked.

"How cool, we have like a ton of fans in...What's this country again?"

"Colombia, I think." Noah replied.

"Are you gonna tell us about the challenge?" Gwen asked. "Or at least where the hell we are?"

"Wait a second." Chris said, looking at his phone. "I know about as much about this whatever-the-hell it is place as you guys. The producers have to tell me what the hell this is all about or else I have no clue."

Chris' phone buzzed and the host looked at the arriving text. He read through it while explaining the challenge to the contestants.

"OK, this street is apparently called 9 de Julio Avenue and its one of the widest streets in the world." Chris said. "What tears it apart from all other absurdly wide streets is the fact that this country has a history of having some of the most agressive, violent drivers in the world."

Chris chuckled as he read down to the bottom of the text.

"...And your challenge is to make it across this street when the red stoplight is on, that is by dodging a lot of these aggressive violent drivers. The two contestants who make it across and alive first win the reward."

"How bad can it really be?" Bridgette asked.

"I don't know, but I hope it's brutal!" Chris exclaimed.

The stoplight began to blink, signalling it was about to change.

"On your marks!" Chris exclaimed.

The contestants got into running positions.

"Get set!"

The light turned yellow as the contestants got prepared.

Finally, the stoplight turned red.

"GO!"

The contestants threw themselves onto the street and in a microsecond, Owen had already been struck by a Ford Fiesta, which launched him against Bridgette, knocking her backward and causing them both to land on the sidewalks, brutally injured. To make matters worse, Owen landed on top of Bridgette and her face wound up under his butt. The poor surfer girl struggled to get out, flailing her arms around until she finally passed out when an unconscious Owen farted.

Yet, they were the luckiest somehow.

Duncan saw a green Ford Falcon heading straight towards him, so he leaped and rolled over the hood before landing on the pavement. He sighed in relief at taking a very small bruising instead of several bone fractures. However, he was not relieved for long when the Falcon driver stopped his car horizontally in mid street and, while shouting, rolled down his window and pulled out a shotgun, beginning to shoot at Duncan.

"¡Pendejo de mierda!" He screamed, while shooting.

Duncan leapt to his feet and began to run to dodge the buckshot that struck the pavement floor. The shooting ceased only when a black Honda Civic crashed into the Ford Falcon, which caused the Falcon to flip upside down and the Civic to fly through the air and crash into a tree before blowing up.

Noah screeched like a little girl as he ran across the street, dodging car after car that came towards him, missing him by mere inches until he ran into a one lucky Dodge Charger that got to slam right into him. Noah landed on the windshield.

"Watch where you're going, jerk!" Noah yelled at the driver.

"¡Yanqui hijo de puta, vas a ver!" The driver yelled.

The driver of the Charger accelerated and Noah turned around to see he was heading straight for a red Jeep Wrangler. The bookworm leaped off the car, bruising himself severely in the process but dodging the huge crash between the Charger and the Wrangler. After the crash, the drivers of both cars got out and began to beat each other up.

Cody screamed in terror as he was swung around when the back of his sweater got caught in the tip of the rearview mirror of a red Ford Ka. The woman who was driving tried to get rid of him by opening the door slightly to shake him off, but while she opened the door, a delivery guy on a scooter slammed into it, knocking it off. The woman stopped her car and pulled a chainsaw out of the backseat, which she fired up and approached the deliveyr guy with. The delivery guy pulled out a katana and approached her as well before the both of them began a murderous sword fight, that ended in both of them being struck by a freight truck.

As soon as Cody got off the floor after the Ford Ka's door came off, he was struck by another freight truck and knocked into a nearby tree, unconscious.

Gwen was lucky, since she was blind-sided by a guy in a chopper and managed to grab onto the bike. The driver began to swerve through trafficm slamming against the sides of cars to try and crush her but she kept switching sides on the bike to dodge. Eventually they crashed head on against a parked Toyota Hilux, but the crash left Gwen a few feet away from the other end of the street.

Her victory, however, was stopped when she was distracted by the sound of a nearby abandoned building suddenly exploding in as a result of an unfortunately activated self-destruct sequence. The explosion distracted Gwen long enough for her to be hit by an incoming truck.

The explosion also distracted the driver of another truck, which happened to be a freighter truck transporting a cargo of gas. The truck struck the overturned Ford Falcon and flipped on its side before it was subsequently struck by six other cars, causing a massive gas explosion. The burnt bumper from what used to be a Volvo nailed Noah in the forehead, knocking him unconscious and throwing him across the air. The bookworm landed in the plaza with the obelisk, where he was surrounded by a mob of hysterical fangirls.

After beign rammed by a flaming '68 Buick, Courtney leaped into the air and managed to grab hold of a transverse light post, swinging on it several times before launching herself forward, which achieved two things. First, she managed to reach the other end of the street and second, she managed to put out the flame that had caught on her sweater vest.

"...And we have our winners!" Chris yelled.

"Who?" Courtney asked.

"Courtney and Duncan!"

"What?" Duncan exclaimed.

The punk had been knocked into the other side of the street when a Dodge Challenger swerved and slammed into him, knocking him ten feet across and onto the sidewalk.

"You two win the big reward challenge!" Chris exclaimed.

"And what's the reward?" Courtney asked.

"A fancy, romantic dinner for the two of you...alone...together...alone...romantic..."

"We get it!" Duncan groaned.

"Alone and romantic and together." Chris whispered to Duncan. "I'm sure it fits perfectly into your plans with a little gloomy minx."

"Dude, shut it!" Duncan growled in a low voice. "How do you know?"

"I am all eyes and all ears in this show, Duncan boy." Chris said. "But don't worry, I'm not ratting out on you. It's much more fun when they find out on their own."

"Well, she's not going to find out!" Duncan growled.

"They always find out...and the longer they take, the more brutal it is." Chris said. "Nonetheless..."

The host got up and raised both Courtney and Duncan's hands into the air.

"The winners!"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen **– /_With several bandages on her head and rubbing it soothingly_/ I got hit by an eight-wheeler truck, how did I survive? Also, what the hell was that explosion?

**Izzy –** /_Covered in soot and burn marks_/BOOM! That was fun! I haven't had this much fun since Explosivo was around! I miss her...and E-Scope...she was the coolest. Oh wait, I was E-Scope! And since E-Scope was the coolest...that must mean that I am...Abraham Lincoln! /_Izzy pulls out a beard and a top hat and puts them on_/ Four score and seven years ago, I went BOOM BOOM!

**Courtney –** /_Covered in bandages and angered_/How can this kind of driving be a normal thing in a country! While the paramedics were taking care of our wounds, which they did very poorly, the cops showed up and all they did to the murderous drivers was give them a one hundred peso ticket! That is an understated sanction for multiple counts of manslaughter and attempted vehicular homicide!

**Noah – /**_Shirtless, covered in lipstick marks and marker drawn phone numbers and horrified_/ I do not know what happened after that bumper winged me in the head but I have the feeling I was sexually molested multiple times.

**Duncan** - /_Annoyed_/ I casn't believe I have to go on a romantic dinner with Princess. /_Graons_/ This really does not help my plans of breaking up with her. /_Sighs_/ Is it too cruel to break up with a chick during a specially arranged romantic date? You know what, screw it. I might not get another chance, I'll break up with her during the date and that's it.

* * *

"_**El mundo fue y será una porquería, ya lo se.  
En el quinientos seis y en el dos mil también.**_"

It was a starry, starry night (paint your pallet blue and grey) which could be viewed perfectly from the roof of the Colón Theater, one of the world's most prestigeous opera houses, which is where Courtney and Duncan's romantic date was taking place.

Courtney was wearing the red dress from the Paris fashion challenge, while Duncan was wearing Chris' old blue tux from Total Drama Action. Both of them were sitting at a table in the middle of the theater's rooftop and had been provided with some premier quality argentine beef for dinner. Nearby, the same tango band that had played for Alejandro and Heather was now playing some more tango music for the couple, only this time the bandoneonist was singing.

"They could have warned us it was going to be so chilly." Courtney groaned. "I would have brought a sweater or at least a less flashy dress."

"Sure." Duncan groaned, annoyed by Courtney's hundredth complaint of the night.

"Plus the beef is rare when I specifically told the waiter that I wanted mine well-done." Courtney groaned.

"Sure."

"And this chair is far too rigid, which is a prety bad thing after the punishment we took in today's last challenge."

"Sure!"

"Also, the musicians are too far away. I would like to hear the music more clearly!"

"OK, that's it Courtney! I have to tell you something!" Duncan growled.

Courtney was surprised by Duncan's outburst and suddenly it struck her. All the things she'd talked over with Gwen were to be applied now. Duncan was probably going to tell her off now and they would probably argue and break up again only to get back together a few days later and argue and break up again like they always did. She knew that and did not want to go through the stress again, so she had to do something right for once.

"Wait Duncan... I have to speak first..."

"No, I..."

"Duncan, please! Listen to me!" Courtney yelled.

Duncan stopped talking and shot her a puzzled, angered look which told her to speak now and speak fast. She took a deep breath and then said:

"I'm sorry."

Duncan blinked a couple of times and looked at her with a curious expression, not completely sure if he'd heard right.

"What?"

"I'm sorry...for being a b/_bleep_/tch." Courtney said.

"Say what?"

"Last season I was very, very, very cruel to you and it was completely unfair. I bossed you around and acted cold because I was jealous and angry and stupid and I'm sorry." Courtney said. "I know I've been mean but it's just because I was afraid to loose you and I thought that if I didn't keep close tabs on you, you'd just leave me for somebody more...well, more like you. But I've been talking with Gwen a lot this season and I realized that she was right...I was being a total jerk to you and I couldn't even see it. I'm sorry."

Duncan was stunned. He'd never heard Courtney apologize once in his life and now she was just asking him for forgiveness with complete sincerity...she was clearly ashamed of what she did and wanted to be forgiven.

"Um...sure, you're forgiven, Princess." Duncan said, still a bit stunned and not completely processinf what had happened.

Courtney smiled and then hugged him.

"Thanks Dunkie." She said.

"Do not call me that." Duncan groaned, slightly annoyed.

"Don't call me Princess."

"Yeah right."

"How can you can give me an annoying nickname and I can't do the same for you?" Courtney huffed.

"'Cause I'm the badass, babe." Duncan said.

"Who beat who at wrestling last season?" Courtney asked proudly.

"That proves nothing."

The musicians ended their previous song and began to play a new, slower song with a sadder tone to it but which sounded romantic if one didn't understand the lyrics.

"_**Por una cabeza, de un noble potrillo.  
Que justo en la raya afloja al llegar.  
Y que al regresar, parece decir.**_  
'_**No olvides, hermano, vos sabes  
No hay que jugar'.**_"

Courtney stood up and extended a hand to Duncan.

"Shall we dance?" Courtney asked.

"Do I have to, Princess?"

She crossed her arms and gave him a stern look. He sighed and got up. She took his left hand in her right, pressed against him and wrapped her other arm around his hip, leading him in a slow tango.

"You can tango?" Duncan asked.

"Tango, watlz, foxtrot, ballet, tap, jazz, breakdance..."

"Breakdance?"

"My dance teacher was _very_ thorough." Courtney replied.

The two danced along as best as they could to the slow but still complicated tango, managing to keep up more or less with the tempo. When the song drew to a close with the infallible "chan chan", Duncan brought his lips to Courtney's and kissed her tenderly, which the surprised but pleased Courtney returned.

The musicians chuckled at a job well done and watched as under the moonlight, the young couple kissed as though alone, together, in the world.

* * *

"Looks like Gwen and Duncan's budding romance might not bud any longer!" Chris narrated. "Will the two grim kids' nasty affair ever come to light? Will Courtney and Duncan's renewed romance last? Will Heather and Alejandro's alliance of evil take them far? Will the producers give me the raise I so clearly deserve? Find out the next time of Total...Drama..._Wooooooorld Touuuuuuuur_!"

* * *

**I am so, so, so sorry for taking so long to update. Literally, a LOT of things got in the way and I could not find time to write. I know I've promised this far too mahy times but I swear on Abraham Lincoln's grave that I will update fast from now on. Thank you for bearing with my tardiness.**

**Read and review.**

**Gracias Totales,  
Mr. Panama Red.**


	12. Brazil Nuts

**Chapter 12: Brazil Nuts**

Last time on Total Drama World Tour...The cast and I travelled to...what's the place again? Armenia, was it? No idea. We went to this place, whichever it was and wherever it is where we put the contestants through the juiciest challenge ever! Literally! By making them beat each other with chunks of juicy, rare meat! Passions flew as couples and supposedly secret couples fought each other with brutal abandon! After that challenge and a crazy, nitty, gritty little obstacle course designed by yours truly, Team Amazon claimed victory.

Yet, the most important things happened behind the scenes. Alejandro's true colors flared up when he made an alliance with Heinous Heather while Duncan planned to give Courtney the relationship kicker due to his "secret" little fling with Gwen, but a late night dinner and tango date changed the tamed bad boy's mind.

Will Duncan be able to keep his relationship going and keep Courtney cool? Will Gwen be invaded with insane irritation? Will Alejandro and Heather's atrocious alliance prevail? Will I stop alliterating any time soon? Find out in today's groingrabbingly awesome edition of Total...Drama...World Tour!

* * *

On the large red couch/bed of the Jumbo Jet first class section, Courtney and Duncan were passionately making out, as they had been doing for the past three hours, to make up for lost time. On a seat three rows ahead, Bridgette and Alejandro were also making out passionately, in a manner similar to the one which Bridgette had previously been used to while making out with Geoff. Two rows ahead of them, Gwen and Cody were sitting across the aisle from each other, looking back at the kissing couples.

"Gives you any ideas?" Cody jokingly asked Gwen.

The goth shot Cody a murderous look and let out a vicious growl, which made the little geek fall off his seat in surprise.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody - **/_A bit on edge_/ I don't know what's got Gwen so tense. I mean, it was only a little joke! Maybe she saw them kiss and she misses Trent.../_Quivers for a second_/ That sucks. I thought I finally had my chance with her! No, no, Cody, be cool...she can't miss Trent, she's way over him! It's probably just.../_Blocks the side of his mouth with his hand and whispers_/ that special time of the month...

**Gwen** – I shouldn't be mad! I told him myself that there wasn't going to be anything between us yet and that I wasn't sure and all that stuff but still, that doesn't mean he can go back to Courtney! He said he was going to dump her! How did he change his mind so fast?! She certainly didn't put out because there is no way Courtney would put out for a guy to take her back! Noooooo...Then what?! /_Hyperventilates_/ OK, Gwen, be cool. That's two of your best friends there...don't think bad things about their relationship. That would be very...Heather-like. /_Pauses in shock and then stares fixated at the camera for a few seconds before covering her face in shame_/ Oh God, what have I become?

* * *

"_**Do you hear the people sing?  
Singing the song of angry men.  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again.  
When the beating of your heart,  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!**_"

"Wait a minute...Wait!" Noah exclaimed, confused.

Noah stepped forward and halted the singing. He, Owen, Izzy and several of the interns had just been performing several numbers from "_Les Misérables_" in costume until the bookworm interrupted the performance.

"Why are we doing this?!" Noah asked, absolutely confused. "How did it lead to this?!"

"I don't know, Little Buddy!" Replied an excited Owen. "Izzy just came out of the bathroom in costume and one thing led to another!"

"_**I dreamed a dream in time gone by...**_" Izzy belted out dramatically in non-sequitur, while she glided past Noah.

The bookworm stared at Izzy in flabbergasted disbelief, unable to come up with anything to say. It wasn't that he couldn't come up with anything witty or sarcastic, it was that Izzy's utter disregard for the laws of reality had temporarily deprived him of his ability to speak. This ability was swiftly returned when Duncan entered the coach cabin.

"Hey windbags, me and Princess are trying to make out in here and your stupid singing is getting on my nerves." The punk groaned from the first class cabin entrance.

"Don't worry, Billie Joe, we'll tone it down." Noah remarked, dull and snide.

"Don't get on my nerves, geek." Duncan threatened grimly.

"Beautiful comeback, Mike Dirnt." Noah said.

"Quit comparing me to Green Day!" Duncan roared.

"Comparing you to Green Day? Now why would I do that to a punk poser like you?" Noah asked, sarcasm pouring out of his words like pus.

The punk stepped forward, marching towards Noah, intimidating. The geek stepped backwards slightly and fear overtook him for a second before he regained his composure and returned to his stoic expression.

"I am not a poser, dorko..." Duncan threatened. "Now quit it!"

"Sure, the middle class white teenager from a first world nation isn't a punk poser. You know everything about lower class alienation and anarchy..."

"I so do know a lot about anarchy, dorko!"

"What is anarchy?"

"You know...chaos."

"Chaos is chaos. Anarchy is lack of government."

"Yeah, that stuff...rise up and get rid of the rich and all that crap..."

"That's revolutionary communism."

"Shut up!"

The punk swung at punch at Noah, who dodged and watched as the punk accidentally punched a wall. Duncan howled in pain and clutched his injured fist before turning towards the snickering Noah. The bad boy was bracing himself to strangle the living daylights out of the irritating bookworm, but he was stopped by Courtney calling.

"Duncan, what's taking so long?"

The bad boy turned towards the first class door and called back.

"Coming Princess."

He turned back to Noah.

"I'll murder your face later, geek..." He growled.

Duncan shoved Noah to the floor before stomping towards the first class area again.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah **– The biggest disadvantage of anarchy...guys like him would have power. oxymoron aside.

**Duncan** – Dorkahontas was a lot easier to scare before, Princess isn't a jealous loony and Malibu's lips aren't welded to Geoff's. Is there a mercury leak in this plane or something? /_Sarcastic_/ Am I gonna become a choir boy if I stay on this show too long? /_Now a little worried_/ Am I?

* * *

The cast fell a few feet forward when the Jumbo Jet landed suddenly.

"Yo kids, put on yo swimsuits and get to the cargo hold!" Chef yelled over the P.A. "...And no peeking into the girls' changin' room! I'm talkin' to you pipsqueak in the yellow sweater! I don't know yo name but you know who you are!"

"He doesn't know my name?" Cody asked to nobody in particular.

"You peeked into our changing room?!" Courtney asked Cody in particular.

"Um...no, I'm sure he means the other guy in the yellow sweater." Cody said, uneasy.

The geek pulled off his sweater and indiscreetly tossed it aside.

The girls glared at him and he coughed nervously.

"Let's go change." Cody said, nervous.

The girls' death glares intensified.

"Probably not the best thing to say... Let me try again..."

Cody coughed, swallowed back and spoke again.

"You girls go get changed and I'll be elsewhere..._very_ far away, not peeking at you, like I've never done before because I have never tried to..."

Cody stopped speaking and then slowly slipped away.

Twenty minutes later, all the contestants had assembled in the cargo hold while wearing their swimsuits. Chris appeared in his usual attire but with shorts and sandals instead of his usual cargo pants and cheap sneakers.

"Hey kids, remember the trapdoor that is right beneath where you're all standing?" He asked.

The contestants looked below their feet and realized that indeed, they had somehow been foolish enough to stand over it once again.

"Don't worry about it, since we've already landed there is no need to use it today." Chris said, reassuringly.

A collective sighemanated from the contestants, which promptly turned into a collective scream of shock when Chris nonetheless pulled the lever that activated the trapdoor, dropping all the contestants off the plane.

"Necessity does not entail applicability or hitherto its opposite!" Chris yelled at the falling contestants. "Did I say that right, Chef?"

The fall was brief and was broken by the vast amounts of water that filled what in Australia is known as "the ocean", since the plane had landed in the water near a beach. The sun was bright and shinning, the rays warming up the already pretty toasty tropical air. The beach was clean and empty. Behind it was a thick mesh of palm trees and other jungle plants.

"Since when does this plane have aquatic landing gear?" Gwen asked, surprised by the Jumbo Jet's new equipment.

"The producers installed it during the London Challenge." Chris yelled from the cargo hold. "I don't know when or how they did it, but those guys are efficient. Nonetheless, it's plot convenient, so I'm not complaining!"

A small magnetic crane lowered a motor-propelled movable barge into the water and the contestants swiftly climbed aboard to get out of the water. Chris slid down the magnetic crane's tensed, steel cable and plopped down on the barge before the crane detached from the floating platform and went back up into the cargo hold. The host fired up the motor and the barge slowly but surely carried the cast towards the beachy shore.

"Today's challenge, kiddies, takes place in the beachy, tropical wonderland of Brazil!" Chris exclaimed.

For the first time since the show began, general cheering afflicted the cast.

"...But we're not here to enjoy the beaches, tropical drinks and general awesomeness of the country...no, we're here to torture all of you on international Television." Chris said, smiling.

The host yelped and ducked as a coconut flew past his head.

"Who threw that?"

The entire cast looked away, or whistled or shuffled their feet in feigned innocence.

"Just for that, I am adding more sharks to the first challenge." Chris muttered.

The host climbed off the barge.

"The first challenge of today's episode is a three parter and thus each team will have to choose three representatives to participate in the three different parts of it." Chris explained. "Now, I won't tell you what the three separate parts entail, but I will tell you that the first part takes place on water, the second here in the beach and the third in the jungle over there. Now teams, choose your players!"

The two teams huddled together in separate circles and began to discuss their game plans.

"OK Amazons, who do we pick?" Bridgette asked her team.

"Well, the water challenge is obvious...Bridgette." Courtney stated.

"Duh." Gwen and Cody agreed.

"Thanks guys." Bridgette said, happily.

"Yeah, we're sending you off to one of Chris' challenges where he specifically stated he'd put in a lot of sharks to hunt you down and kill you." Heather said, in a Noah-like demeanour. "We're doing you a real solid here."

"Who wants to do the beach challenge?" Courtney asked.

"I'll bite the bullet." Cody said, in a self-sacrifical tone.

"Anyone else?" Courtney asked.

"Dude!" Cody groaned.

"I'm sorry Cody, but I want to win and putting the scrawniest member of the team in a challenge only makes you win the best loser award." Courtney explained almost condescendingly. "Now seriously, anyone else?"

"Courtney, let him compete." Gwen said. "He won the last challenge for us is...whatever was that other country where we did the last challenge. He can do well in this one."

"Fine Cody, you're on." Courtney sighed.

"Yes!"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody – **Gwen trusts me in a challenge! Yes! I knew that if I tried my best I'd get her respect! A few more victories and I'll impress her enough to make my move. I better start getting my /_Sprays a little breath freshener into his mouth_/ Codemeister grove on!

* * *

The camera cuts away to the entire cast regrouped around Chris once more.

"So kids, have you chosen your sacrificial lambs?" he asked, subtlety long forgotten.

"Bridgette is doing the water challenge, Cody the beach challenge and I'm doing the jungle challenge." Courtney answered.

"Duncan is doing the water challenge, I'm doing the beach challenge and Izzy is doing the jungle challenge." Alejandro answered.

"OK!" Chris chuckled. "Now I'll explain the challenges! Brazil is a vast wonderland of fauna and flor...flour...I can't pronounce the other thing but it's plants. Anyway, plants aren't the point here, the ones that matter are the animals, since in this challenge you'll have to find three different endangered animals in each of the three locations. The first challenge will be in the water and there you will have to find the endangered..."

Chris dug into one of his pockets and then extracted a picture of an adorable baby pink dolphin.

"...Pink Tenor Dolphin!"

"Aww, a dolphin!" Bridgette squealed. "How cute!"

"Yes, very cute." Chris said. "I caught him myself for this challenge...I named him Ricky."

"Aww."

"Girls, can we cut it with the wimpy sighs and get onto me winning the challenge." Duncan groaned.

"Your funeral, Duncan." Chris chuckled. "Right, on my mark you both dive into the water and look for Ricky. Whichever of you brings him to shore first wins."

"Are you ready?"

Dual nod.

"Get set!"

Duncan and Bridgette braced themselves.

"GO!"

Both contestants dove into the water, Duncan accidentally not jumping far enough off the shoreline and thus landing face first on the hard sandy ground. Bridgette took advantage of the bad boy's rough start and swam ahead into the sea, looking around the surprisingly clear waters to find the very particular Dolphin. She noticed that underwater iron chainlink nets had been set-up in a moderately sized perimeter, probably to keep the challenge from spilling too far away from the shore.

Due to the dolphin's unusual color, it was hard to miss, so Bridgette managed to catch glimpse of it pretty quickly, even though it was slightly in the distance. The surfer girl lost no time and swam towards it. Years of surfing and other such water sports had given Bridgette a great deal of grace and agility in underwater movement, so she quickly began to gain on the small, oddly colored dolphin. Much to the surfer girl's shock, Duncan swam past her at a surprising speed, getting even closer to Ricky. Her grace underwater was defeated by Duncan's grace under fire underwater; since the bad boy had learnt how to swim very, _very_ fast during prison breaks and used it to his full advantage.

The bad boy caught up with the dolphin and wrapped his arms around its body, getting a tight grasp on the small creature, which ineffectively to get free. The bad boy groaned but managed to retain hold of the dolphin while he began to swim to shore using only his feet in a butterfly kick swimming technique (which he had mastered while swimming away from prison while in handcuffs). Even though his mastery over armless swimming gave him a decent speed, Bridgette's normal swimming made her much faster and allowed her to begin catching up. Duncan saw her and as soon as she got close enough, he kicked backwards, striking her in the shoulder and causing her to flip backward.

Duncan turned briefly to taunt the injured Bridgette.

"Suck on that, Malibu!"

Failing to think this through, the shouted taunt failed on two levels. First, they were underwater so Bridgette heard nothing other than some jangled mumbling. Second, they were underwater so Duncan swallowed a crapload of water, which made him choke briefly and loosen his arms, allowing the dolphin to slip out of his grasp and slap him three times in the face with its vengeful tail. The punk wouldn't let it go and tried to grab the dolphin by the tail, but the little creature turned around and opened its mouth.

"_**Ridi pagliacco!**_"

The high note at an unbelievably loud volume caused a powerful sound wave that literally displaced the water around it, knocking Duncan out of the water and several feet up into the air.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Chris McClean** – /_Chuckling_/ Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...the Pink Tenor Dolphin's main self-defence technique is to blast out really high, really loud notes that can displace matter. Also, I told Chef to teach Ricky some songs from those opera records he listens to all the time...The man's got an obsession with that music.

**Chef Hatchet** - /_Singing in a deep tenor_/ _**La donna è mobile, qual piuma al vento!**_

* * *

The dolphin turned to swim away but found itself face to face with Bridgette. Trying a different approach, the surfer girl waved at the dolphin and put on a friendly attitude, which Ricky responded to with a slap to the face from his tail. Since her previous approach didn't quite cut it, Bridgette merely grabbed the dolphin and held it against the side of her abdomen but it proved to be too slippery for her and it wriggled out of her grasp before swimming away.

As the surfer girl surfaced to take a breather, Duncan charged towards the dolphin again, fiercely swimming towards with a murderous determination imprinted on his face. Fortune didn't quite favour the bold this time, since a pair of angry sharks popped up in front of him, teeth blared out in wicked cartoon smiles. The bad boy screamed in terror and swam in the other direction as the pissed off sharks chased him around, teasing him by biting close to him but never snapping down on him completely.

Bridgette, now pumped with air, sank back into the water and looked around for the dolphin. Her search was short since the dolphin accidentally bumped into her, since had been swimming forward while looking backwards and laughing at Duncan's shark-related predicament. Bridgette tried to grab the annoying dolphin but it dodged her hands and slapped her in the face again. The surfer girl delivered a mumbled threat at the dolphin, telling it not to do that again but it refused to listen and slapped Bridgette across the face with its tail once more. The cocky little sea mammal chuckled at Bridgette's pain, eyes close and fins pressing on his belly to hold back the crippling laughter. The surfer girl fought against her natural instincts when the dolphin had slapped her the first time, fought even harder after the second time, but once he slapped her a third time and then laughed at her, the surfer just let herself go and punched the dolphin square in the face, stunning it severely.

Bridgette was initially horrified by what she'd just done but managed to regain her composure and grabbed the dolphin before beginning to swim to shore.

On a nearby rocky formation above the water, Duncan was in a fetal position, trying to keep away from the water's edge where two hungry sharks were circling around and occasionally leaping up into the air. However, upon seeing Bridgette swimming to shore with the dolphin, his competitive instinct kicked in again and bypassed the pants-crapping fear instinct induced by the sharks. He waited for one of the sharks to leap into the air again and once it did, he swung his fist as hard as he could into it, striking it square in the face and knocking it out. The second shark surfaced to look at his injured companion and witnessed how Duncan grabbed his friend by the tail and then swung it at him. Duncan grabbed the unconscious shark and used it as a club to smack the other shark in the head, knocking it unconscious as well.

Seeing that Bridgette was too close to the shore to reach her now, Duncan thought for a second and then smiled wickedly.

On the shore, the other members of Team Amazon cheered as their blonde teammate drew closer and closer to the shore with the endangered dolphin she'd punched out in her arms. With only a few metres left between their teammate and victory, the other Amazons were reasonably surprised when a large unconscious shark fell on top of Bridgette, knocking her down deep into the water and causing her to let go of the unconscious dolphin. Duncan, fast as hell, swam from his rocky island and in roughly fifteen seconds he'd taken hold of the dolphin. In an additional fifteen seconds, he'd made it to the shore and taken the challenge. The members of his team surrounded him and cheered his victory while Team Amazon fumed.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Duncan** – /_Calm and unapologetic_/ Hey, if a million dollars are on the line, you do what you gotta do to win. Some guys might have tried to swim towards Malibu, some guys might have shouted at her to cause a distraction. Me...I threw a f/_bleep_/king shark at her and stole victory from underneath her nose. Underhanded. Yes. Awesome. Yes. That's just the awesome, sneaky way I do things.

* * *

"What happened? Did we win?" A stunned, semi-conscious Bridgette muttered after washing up to shore.

"No." Gwen groaned. "Duncan threw a shark at you and took the dolphin. I never thought I would ever say that."

"That sucks." Bridgette groaned in pain.

"Now children, the second part of the challenge is gonna start!" Chris called out. "Who are the two victims?"

"Me." Cody and Alejandro declared simultaneously.

"The animal you have to 'rescue' is the Amazonian Bellyscratching Deathcrab." Chris told them. "One of which we have let loose on this beach in the area encircled by that fence over there."

The host pointed to a nearby set of large sand dunes which was surrounded by a tight-held chainlink fence perimeter. Chris reached inside his shirt and pulled out another picture, this one being of a large crab with absurdly large pincers and a skull-like mark on its back.

"I named this little guy Citizen Snips."

"Why?" Cody asked.

"Because I was watching '_Citizen Kane_' and thought it would be cute." Chris explained. "You can start searching...NOW!"

The two boys leaped to action and ran for the cornered off area. Once inside, they began to dig and tread through the sand, trying to locate the sneaky crustacean.

Around the cordonned area, the two teams and the host watched on as the two contestants looked and looked.

"Go Alejandro, you can do it, baby!" Bridgette squealed.

"Bridgette!" Courtney scolded her teammate. "Loyalty!"

"Well, I am being loyal..."

"Team loyalty!"

"Fine. Go Cody!" Bridgette exclaimed. "...And Alejandro."

"Come on Princess, she's just cheering for the obvious winner." Duncan teased. "It's not like Pipsqueak Chestnut stands a chance or anything."

"Shut up, Duncan." Courtney threatened, poking her boyfriend in the chest.

"Make me." He dared, butting forehead with her.

As Duncan expected, Courtney leaped at his lips and kissed him ferociously. The bad boy had long ago learnt that an angry Courtney is a horny Courtney.

"Alright guys...stop it." Gwen muttered, almost jealously.

"No! Don't stop!" Chris exclaimed. "This is great for the viewers! Duncney fans want as much as action as they can get after missing out on it for half a season! Camera dude..."

"I have a name!" The camera guy said off-screen.

"Right...Eric?"

"Donalbain."

"Really? Man, your parents must have hated you."

"How much my dad hated me and my sister, Gonereil, doesn't give you the right to make fun of my name, dude!"

"Just keep the cameras pointed on the teens making out!"

"You sure, Chris?" Noah asked, chuckling. "Because Alejandro's nobility just got pinched by Citizen Snips."

"Really?"

Chris turned to look at where Noah was pointing to confirm that indeed, Alejandro's privates were being abused by a very enraged Amazonian Bellyscratching Deathcrab.

"Film that, Donalbain!" Chris ordered.

"It's...Wow, you actually got my name right..."

"Could never forget something so humiliating, dude." Chris said, patting the cameraman in the back. "You must have gotten picked on a lot in school. I'm sorry about it, dude."

"The kids shoved me in lockers so much I never got a chance to study...so I wound up flunking and had to take a job as a cameraman on reality TV."

"That's sad...Now how 'bout you stop the pathetic monologue and film the show?" Chris asked, in mocking condescension.

"Sure." A teary Donalbain sobbed.

Alejandro squirmed and rolled around in the sand, trying to get the crab to let go off him without pulling on it, for fear of tearing off something.

"¡La p/_bleep_/ta madre! ¡Quítenme a este p/_bleep_/to cangrejo de encima!"

The Spaniard's movements were stopped when Cody put his foot on his chest. Alejandro looked up and saw Cody reach down for the crab and, assuming he was gonna yank it off, he tried to stop him. However, Cody merely hushed Alejandro and reached under the small crustacean to scratch its belly. The small crab shook a bit and then relaxed, letting go of Alejandro's noble parts. A relieved Alejandro forgot about the challenge long enough to allow Cody to take the crab to Chris, winning said challenge for the Amazons.

"Surprisingly enough...Cody and the Amazons win!" Chris announced while putting Citizen Snips in his tank.

"Pipsqueak Chestnut doesn't stand a chance, huh?" Courtney teased Duncan before moving over to the congratulatory circle that formed around Cody.

"What the hell, Al?!" Duncan yelled at his pained teammate.

"Screw you, amigo!" Alejandro yelled back.

"Be easy with Al, Duncan." Owen said. "He just took a crab snap to the kiwis."

"You probably know best about what testicular damage can do to your competitive skills." Noah said. "What with your vascular abusing girlfriend's record-breaking testicle smashing habits and all."

"You're gonna make me do something you'll regret, Shorty." Duncan growled.

"Best comeback since this morning, Saint Jimmy." Noah replied, in usual demeanour.

The bad boy reached to grab Noah by the throat and hoist him up into the air but he was stopped by Courtney calling him over.

"Duncan, come over here." Courtney signaled.

"Coming." The bad boy replied.

He turned to Noah and snapped forward, as if about to punch him, which made Noah jump back reflexively. Duncan chuckled as he walked away.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Duncan - **/_Ticked off_/ That little squirt is getting on my freaking nerves. He's the first one to go when we hit the elimination deck. As soon as he gets eliminated I am personally gonna kick his ass out of the plane. Until then, I hope he knows better than to piss me off anymore. He _better_ know _better_!

* * *

"Final stage of the first challenge!" Chris announced.

The contestants had lightly immersed themselves into the jungle, where this stage of the challenge would take place.

"Out there in the jungle is my favorite tiny, little guy..."

"I thought that was in your crotch." Gwen mocked.

The cast whooped and cheered and Gwen got a high-five from Duncan, but Chris merely scowled.

"I meant my favourite pet...Tico the Racist Toucan!" Chris announced.

"Did anyone else notice that he said his toucan was racist?" Noah asked.

Nobody replied.

"Figures."

"The final part of this challenge calls for Courtney and Izzy to re-capture my precious Tico." Chris explained. "However, unlike the previous two parts, where I allowed Bridgette to sucker-punch a dolphin and Alejandro to sexually molest a crab..."

"Hey!"

"...If either of you hurts my precious Tico, you lose the round." Chris explained. "Got that?"

"Sure."

"Now, run through the jungle!"

* * *

The camera cuts away to producer Damian Hellburn, who is sitting on a stool and wearing a suit.

"Hi, I'm Total Drama Producer and Showrunner Damian Hellburn." Hellburn stated. "I'd like to clear up that Chris' usage of the phrase 'run through the jungle', which shares wording with a Creedence song of the same name, does not in anyway reflect the musical preference of the staff of the show. Here in Total Drama, we listen only to KISS and their sensational music and we only buy KISS products and not because Gene Simmons has incriminating material that ties me and Alberti to the 2011 Fukushima Nuclear Power station disaster, but rather because KISS is awesome! Buy KISS music and do not re-investigate the Fukushima disaster!"

* * *

The brunette and the redhead bolted forward into the jungle, listening for the call of the Toucan (Chris said Tico's favorite racial slurs were "kraut", "coon", "jew" and "chink"). While Courtney snuck around quietly, trying not to stir too many noises up so as to not scare away the bird, Izzy opted to leap around the jungle shouting.

"Here birdie, birdie, birdie!"

In her leaping around, the crazy girl stumbled upon a barren clearing in the bulk of the jungle. However, the clearing was not empty but was rather inhabited by the nefariously nefarious Dr. Eric Praline along with a giant drill, a small generator and a large control grid. The mad doctor spotted his long time enemy and sneered.

"Well, well, well...if isn't my old enemy, Agent Izzy." The Doctor said, sardonically delighted. "I was expecting you."

"Were you really?"

"No, not quite but at this point I mostly assume you'll arrive somehow in a very plot convenient coincidence." Praline said, downcast. "Nonetheless, I prepared that thing in case you arrived."

"What thing?"

"That thing." The Doctor indicated, pointing behind Izzy.

The crazy girl looked behind herself and while she was distracted, Praline struck her in the back of the head with a plot convenient frying pan, knocking her out.

"I seriously don't understand how she keeps falling for that..."

* * *

Three adult tapirs snorted and sniffed around the grassy patches of jungle ground, eating chunks of it, enjoying a fine meal. Peace was interrupted as a rustle in the nearby bushes startled the tapirs and made them lift their heads from the grassy ground. When the rustling grew louder the tapirs bolted away, seeking refuge in the tall grass. Their flight proved unneccessary, since no jaguars burst out of the shrubbery. Instead, only Courtney crawled out from the tall grass, who was tailing what she suspected was the indicated bird.

The brunette looked up at the trees, spotting the Toucan perched on a low branch. It had some sort of bracelet on its ankle that weighed it down, probably to keep it from flying too high during the challenge. However, she was not entirely sure whether that was the real Tico the Toucan, since she had seen other birds around the jungle with similar bracelets.

"Jew." The toucan called out.

Yep, it was Tico the Racist Toucan. Courtney suspected that if she crawled close enough to the tree, she could startled the bird off the branch and if she was fast enough, she could grab it by the very large bracelet on its ankle.

As she crawled towards the tree, the bird took flight and got away upon hearing the loud, vicious growl of an approaching jaguar. Courtney tried to get a hold of the bird but missed it by a few inches because she'd been too far away when it took flight. The brunette's predicament became even more troubled when the jaguar that had emitted the bird-scaring growl emerged from the nearby shrubbery.

Said jaguar growled menacingly and prepared itself to pounce. Courtney was not impressed. Courtney picked up a rock at her feet and hurled it at the jaguar, nailing it right between the eyes. Momentarily distracted by the pain of the rock smacked between its eyes, the jaguar did not see Courtney coming until she roundhouse kicked the jaguar across the side of the face, knocking it the jungle cat into a tree and harming it enough to make it escape.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney –** I am getting sick of annoying wildcats ruining challenges for me! If God is trying to send me some kind of metaphorical message about myself with vicious murdering wildcats, I am not understanding it, so he better cut it out!

* * *

"Duncan, we have to talk." Gwen said.

"Now's not the time, Gwen."

"Yes, it is." Gwen said, firmly. "Now come over here."

The punk sighed and followed Gwen a little further into the jungle, away from the other contestants who were waiting about for Izzy and Courtney to return. Once they were far enough, Gwen spoke.

"What the hell, Duncan?" She said, angry.

"What?"

"You were supposed to break up with her!"

"Things changed..."

"'Things changed'? What happened to 'with or without you I'm still dumping her', huh?!" Gwen exclaimed.

"Like I said, things changed." Duncan said. "She stopped being a b/_bleep_/tch all of a sudden. Plus, it's not like you were too into the idea of me and you in the first place."

"Still...I thought maybe there could have been a me and you...at some point." Gwen sighed.

"Well, I'm sorry Gwen but...I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I get it." Gwen said, a bit disappointed.

"We cool?"

"We cool...I guess..."

The two friends hugged tightly. Then they pulled apart. Then they began to make out.

* * *

"Now Agent Izzy, you shall see my most evil plan unfold!" Praline exclaimed wickedly.

"What is your..."

"Using this ginormous drill, I will drill into the Earth's core!" Praline began. "The spot where we are right now is exactly on the opposite end of the earth to the center of Brussels, the capital of Belgium. The huge hole from this end to the core will cause a giant sinkhole to form under Brussels which will swallow the entire city whole, dropping it into the Earth's burning core! Thus destroying the most relevant city in Belgium, which will on the long run destroy the country on a economic and political level!"

"How diabolical!" Izzy exclaimed.

The redhead had been chained to a tree close to the giant drill and Praline's control panel, which Praline was standing next to.

"Yes, Agent Izzy, and you cannot stop me!" Prailne exclaimed. "Begin the drilling!"

Praline pressed a large button on his control panel and the giant drill began to spin. After picking up enough speed, the mechanism attached to the drill pushed it into the ground, causing it to begin tunneling into the earth. The drill disappeared underground and tunnelled on for a few dozen seconds before emitting severe clanking noises and finally exploding due to internal damage because it is fucking impossible to tunnel through the Earth's mantle. The drill's explosion did not die down and a massive, roaring fire climbed nearly to the brim of the hole that the drill had dug out.

"Well, that was predictable really." Praline groaned.

The Doctor turned around to see that Izzy had unchained herself.

"It just feels like I get defeated faster each ti..."

Praline was unable to finish, as Izzy leaped across the air and roundhouse kicked the Doctor, knocking him into the fiery pit the drill had formed. Izzy prepared to leave and continue looking for the Toucan when she spotted a large, red button on Praline's control panel.

"Hmm...Should I ask one of my memories whether to push the button or not and then ignore it and push it anyway or just push it now." Izzy wondered aloud.

Izzy pressed the red button.

"Self-destruct sequence initiated..."

"Oops! My B!"

* * *

Courtney prowled through the jungle, once again trying to locate the goddamn bird, which had evaded her grasp twice already. The jungle grass was a lot more dense where she was, so she had to be extra careful to not make any noise. The CIT squealed out in pain when she stepped on a particularly pointy rock, which she peeled off her foot carefully to avoid further pain. A little blood trickled off her foot, but it was just a flesh wound. Seeing the rock and its unusually triangular shape, Courtney came up with an idea.

She tore off a little of the thin jungle vine that surrounded many of the trees in that patch of jungle and broke off a sturdy but thin branch from another tree. The brunette placed the rock on the tip of the stick and using the vine, she bound it tightly to the top, fashioning a rough but apparently effective spear. Brandishing her improvised weapon, Courtney continued to prowl through the tall grass until she finally came upon a clearing, where she found something interesting...though, not the bird.

There they were, lips locked, arms bound and tongue! She saw tongue! No thought. No thought went through her because of the shock. She just couldn't believe it. After all that...all the talks and all the fun times. She'd been her friend! And him! The slimy, little dog! How could he?! She wasn't going to just let this go! She was going to go ahead...

An explosion got in the way, as a large control panel in a nearby clearing self-destructed, propelling large chunks of metal across the air and blowing down trees and shrubbery. A large ball of jungle vine smacked Courtney on the side of the body and knocked her to the ground. It took her about half a minute to shake off the stunned sensation and get back up and by then Gwen and Duncan had ran off, startled by the explosion.

She could see them in the distance, but she could also see something else much closer. The goddamn bird.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – **/_Furious but attempting to conceal it_/ After everything she said, after everything we did together! In France, in Ireland, all over and she still did that to me! We were friends and him! Him! I should have known he would! He was always a bastard but Gwen, I thought you were better! /_Bites back tears_/ I don't care...you know what, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to let those slimy, treacherous jerks ruin me! I came here to get my million and I will not let them ruin this for me!

* * *

"Any idea of what the explosion was?" Chris asked Chef, who was looking-over the area in the helicopter, through the walkie-talkie.

The contestants were at the edge of the jungle, in the beach, most of them worried that either Courtney or Izzy might have gotten injured during the explosion.

"What if Izzy got hurt? What is she's dead?!" Owen exclaimed.

"She's not dead." Noah said in his usual demeanour. "If she could survive driving my car into a ravine, she'll survive an explosion."

"But what if she didn't?" Owen asked. "Who will listen to me talk about my day every afternoon?"

"I'm the one who does that." Noah said.

"Oh right." Owen realized. "But then who will take to eating contests every weekend?"

"Still me."

"Oh yeah. But who will go to the movies with me and discuss unimportant trivia about them afterwards?"

"I'm starting to think you suffer from some kind of disease that makes you mistake lanky Pakistani-Canadian intellectual males with spunky Irish-Canadian mental patient females."

"Oh, right. Wait, here's one I definitely do with her. Who will take me clothes shopping every third Saturday of the month?"

"Unfortunately, that's still me."

"Then who will do naughty things with me every Fri..."

"That's her, stop talking now." Noah said, a bit grossed out.

"Chris, I got yo info. I'm pretty damn sure the crazy girl caused the explosion, cause she's runnin' away from the spot where it happened while yellin' out 'boom boom'." Chef replied through the walkie-talkie.

"She's alive, though?"

"Pretty much."

"What about Courtney?"

"She's alive too, in fact she's headin' over to where you guys are right now." Chef replied.

As if on cue, the brunette emerged from the wilderness, clutching tightly in her hands a broken spear's upper half and an unconscious Tico the Toucan. Chris watched in horror as Courtney hurled his beloved parrot to the ground. The host rushed over to his pet's side.

"Tico, say something racially insensitive!" Chris exclaimed.

"Ugh...nigg...ergh!" The toucan exclaimed before passing out.

Chris felt the toucan's breathing and realized he was alive but very injured.

"COURTNEY!" Chris yelled. "You did this to my Tico! YOU LOSE! Team Chris takes this challenge!"

"Yes!" Team Chris exclaimed in unison (save for the missing Izzy).

"Courtney, what the hell?" Gwen said. "You knew you weren't suppose to harm the toucan!"ç

"You're asking me 'what the hell'?!" Courtney yelled back. "What about you, you treacherous bit/_bleep_/h!"

As Gwen walked closer to Courtney to calm her down, the brunette slapped her across the face, knocking her to the ground.

"Courtney, what the hell?" Bridgette yelled.

"This slutty, little goth girl and my supposed loving boyfriend were making out in the fu/_bleep_/ing jungle!" Courtney answered.

Silence overcame the entire cast, who couldn't believe the revelation that was just put forward by Courtney.

"Court, it's not what you think it was." Gwen pleaded, getting up.

"Then what the hell was that?!"

"Duncan and I were actually agreeing that having something between us was a bad idea." Gwen answered.

"Right, so you made sure there was nothing between you two by getting real close to him and shoving your lying goth tongue down his throat!" Courtney yelled.

"Princess it's not like that, Gwen's telling the truth." Duncan said, stepping in. "We'd just broken up when we got a little carried away but it's over!"

"Over, huh?" Courtney asked. "So you two had something going on behind my back BEFORE!"

"No, well, sort of...not really." Gwen struggled for words.

"What the **hell** happened?!"

"Well, in London..."

"You've been going on behind my back since LONDON?!" Courtney yelled.

"Hey, the only reason I hooked up with her is because you'd been acting like a royal bit/_bleep_/h before!" Duncan yelled back, trying to turn the tables.

"I know that...which is why I apologized and asked for you to forgive me!"

"Well, I didn't know you were gonna do that when I hooked up with her!"

"You barely even talked to me before you cheated on me, how was I supposed to apologize when you were avoiding me! Dodging me all the time so you could hook up with her!"

"We only kissed twice and we were gonna end it!"

"You know what? I don't care! I just don't care!" Courtney yelled, not angry but sounding hurt, as if holding back tears. "From now on, Duncan, I am done with you!"

She turned to Gwen.

"And with you too, Gwen!" She added. "I'm not going to hold grudges and I'm not going to get revenge! Not anymore...From now on, I just wanna have **nothing** to do with either of you!"

With those words, Courtney turned around and stormed off for the Jumbo Jet. Gwen tried to follow her, but Bridgette stopped her.

"Well, we'll give Courtney and the rest of you a little while to cool off and in thirty minutes we'll start the second challenge." Chris said, breaking the silence.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen – **/_She sits in the confessional, palm covering her face. She thinks about what to say and eventually opens her mouth to speak but can't bring herself to do it and covers her face with her palm again_/.

**Cody – **/_Outraged_/ Duncan?! Duncan?! That punk wannabe d-bag! Seriously?! What the hell, Gwen?! You'd think she'd have more taste then to hook up with a guy who'd be turned down as a touring musician by Green Day!

**Noah – **/_From outside the confessional_/ Told ya the Green Day analogy was good.

**Cody **– Not in the mood, Noah.

* * *

Bridgette pokes her head into the First Class section of the plane and sees Courtney sitting at the refreshment bar, where the intern/barman pours her a glass of coke. Bridgette approaches and sits next to Courtney.

"I thought you didn't drink carbonated drinks." Bridgette said.

"Not exactly a good day today." Courtney said, bitter and saddened. "Need the caffeine to excite my brain until I'm too on edge to give a crap."

"I'm not going to defend Gwen, because what she did was wrong." Bridgette started.

Courtney huffed and growled.

"...But she is very, very sorry." Bridgette said. "You could see it just now."

"If she's so sorry that she made out with my boyfriend, then why she'd sneak off with him into the jungle to do it again?"

"You heard what she said, she was going to break up with him."

"Then she stuck her treacherous tongue down his throat."

"Again, what she did was wrong but Gwen is really ashamed of it. Courtney, she won't do it again and you two were such great friends. Try to forgive her." Bridgette pleaded.

"Bridgette, I trusted Gwen when she told me that she had no interest in Duncan, that it was all just rumors the jerks at Celebrity Manhunt made up." Courtney said. "We became friends because I thought I could trust her but it turns out her trustworthiness was just BS!"

Courtney drank down the coke in one gulp and slammed the glass on the bar. Then she turned around, got off her stool and began to walk to the door. Bridgette followed.

"Now, I'm gonna go back out there to compete and win because I don't care about Gwen and Duncan and because Courtney Rodríguez was raised to never let her personal issues get in the way of her freakin' victory!" Courtney growled.

"At least I'm glad that your murderous competitive instinct hasn't been struck down by tragedy." Bridgette joked.

"Real funny, Bridge." Courtney retorted, chuckling slightly.

* * *

"So, are both teams ready for the final challenge of the day?" Chris asked.

Back at the jungle, the teams were aligned in front of Chris. On the Amazon side, Courtney and Heather glared at Gwen, who was looking away in shame, while Bridgette and Cody looked at the scene with concern. On the CIRRRRH side, Alejandro and Noah glared at each other while Owen looked on in concern, Duncan shuffled his feet about like he didn't care that he wa snow dead in his former girlfriend's eyes (which he did care about) and Izzy was distracted with a pretty little butterfly.

"I'll take that awkward, menacing silence as a yes." Chris said. "Now my little crianças..."

"What did he just call us?" Cody asked.

"I think he said we were livestock." Owen added.

"No, it's 'children' in Portuguese." Chris said. "'Cause we're in Brazil."

"Then wouldn't you speak, like, brazilenese?" Owen asked.

"They speak Portuguese in Brazil, Owen." Alejandro said.

"Then what do they speak in Portugal?"

"Also Portuguese."

"Oh..."

The cast looked at Owen in slight bewilderment but Chris nonetheless continued.

"For the final challenge of the day, you have to look up..."

The cast did as told and saw a large, golden pineapple hanging from a rope about fifteen feet above their heads. Running past either side of the pineapple were two ziplines which ended on opposing trees about twenty feet apart from each other. On either side of the ziplines and the pineapple were two large wooden platforms hanging from trees. The platforms were connected through small wooden passages to both ends of the ziplines.

"Alright kids, let's climb!"

Camera flashes and then we see the castmates are on the wooden platforms that hang from the trees.

"The challenge is simple." Chris began. "You guys will zip across the lines and try to reach the Golden Pineapple, which is at an inconvenient distance away from the ziplines. Members of the teams have to take turns trying to reach the pineapple and each members gets two zips across before having to let the next member of their team try. Meanwhile, those of you who aren't zipping across will stand on these platforms, throwing fruit at the member of the opposing team zipping across. Whichever team gets the pineapple first wins!"

Team Amazon remained in platform they were on, while Team Chris moved over to the opposing one. Both teams were provided with a whole lot of fruit and both selected the order in which they would swing to try to get the Golden Pineapple. Duncan went up first for his team and Bridgette went up for hers. They started from opposite ends of the ziplines.

"Looks like it's you and me again, Malibu!" Duncan yelled.

"Yeah, except that I have a say in who gets wounded this time as well!" Courtney yelled, tossing a pineapple up and down on her right hand.

Duncan choked back some fear upon seeing Courtney's death glare and the very sharp pineapple she was wielding.

"Zippers, GO!" Chris yelled.

Duncan choked back his fear again and leaped forward on the zipline. As expected, Courtney was the first one to throw fruit and, also as expected, she nailed him with the pineapple right on the side of the face, knocking him off the zipline and throwing him off fifteen feet onto the ground. On the other end, Bridgette zipped across and yelled in fear as a melon thrown by Izzy nearly struck her in the head. When a second melon nearly struck her (this one thrown by a reluctant Owen), she yelled in fear again and accidentally let go of the zipline's handlebar, falling off and crashing butt-first onto the ground next to Duncan.

"Fell off the board, Malibu?" Duncan teased as he got up and moved over to the rope ladder that led up to the platform above.

Bridgette was too concerned with her injured butt to retort and merely got off the ground and struggled over to the rope-ladder. As Duncan got back on his platform, he found a confrontation taking place.

"Why didn't you throw any fruit, Al?" Noah asked, threateningly.

"I'm not going to throw fruit at my girlfriend, Noah." Alejandro responded. "I have more class than that."

"You have less spine than that." Noah retorted.

"Hey ladies, while you two were arguing over which one of you was prettier, the nerdling swung across!" Duncan growled.

Noah and Alejandro turned to the ziplines to see that Cody had already swung once across but had fortunately not been able to grab the pineapple. The two pseudo-leaders of Team Chris grabbed a pair of oranges and hurled them at Cody as he swung once again, nailing him in the side of the stomach and in the armpit just as he was reaching for the Golden Pineapple, causing him to let go and fall.

"Happy?" Alejandro and Noah asked Duncan with bitterness and sarcasm.

"I'll be when you go and take your swing, Geeklord." Duncan told Noah. "You were supposed to go just now!"

"Fine." Noah answered and went for the zipline.

"Little d/_bleep_/kweed..." Duncan growled.

"He is very annoying." Alejandro said as he picked up a banana and threw it at Gwen, missing by inches.

"Dude, don't throw anything at her!" Duncan said.

"We're still in a competition, Duncan." Alejandro said.

"You didn't throw any at your girl."

"Gwen isn't your girl."

"Technicality, dude."

"Nonetheless, what I wanted to tell you was that both you and I could benefit from disposing of Noah if our team were to wind up on the elimination block." Alejandro whispered.

"I'll listen to more of that in a minute, dude, but now I have a score to settle." Duncan said, seeing Courtney take to the zipline.

The bad boy picked up a pineapple and as soon as Courtney began to zip across, he hurled it at her. Courtney saw this coming and kicked at the pineapple, knocking it back and striking Duncan in the kiwis. Due to the counterattack, Courtney couldn't reach for the pineapple but nonetheless, she was more than satisfied to see Duncan bend over in pain.

Noah yelled girlishly as he fell off the zipline, having been grazed lightly by a passion fruit that Bridgette threw at his knee.

"I'm sorry, Noah." Bridgette called out.

"Don't apologize, blondie! Throw harder next time! You barely hit him!" Heather ordered.

"I don't like hurting people!" Bridgette said.

"Well, you shouldn't have joined a reality show, then!" Heather growled. "Now take this cantaloupe and throw it at Owen! He's fat and slow so he's easy!"

Bridgette looked at Owen, who was moving very slowly across the line due to his weight. The blonde girl raised the fruit and was about to throw it, when Gwen nailed him in the head with a tin of cranberries, making him fall. Bridgette sighed and lowered that cantaloupe but Heather was not impressed.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **/_Furious_/ There is not a single member of this team that's any good! Gwen's a freak, Courtney's a psycho, Cody's a wimp and Bridgette's afraid of stepping on an ant! If someone is going to carry this team to the merge, at which point I can ditch them, it's gonna have to be me!

* * *

As Gwen zipped back without the pineapple, Heather took her post at the zipline and leaped forward, zipping across. As she neared the golden pineapple, she stretched her arm to reach for it but found her hand getting knocked back by an apple hitting her hand. She looked at the source of the apple to see Alejandro smiling at her with his devilishly handsome grin. As Heather reached the other side of the line, the infamous bell chime rung.

"Instead of complaining about having to sing, how about we skip to the part where you sing because you have to whether you want to or not!" Chris called out. "Music!"

A smooth brazilian ska rhythm began to play out of thin air and the cast somehow magically was able to sing along to it coherently...ah, cartoon logic, it's so beautiful.

Heather began to sing as she swung back across on the zipline, looking angrily at Alejandro.

"_**The other day  
I still remember what you said  
That things would start to go my way  
But now it seems like our thing is dead.**_"

On the Amazon platform, Courtney star angrily at Duncan while she clutched another pineapple. As the bad boy moved up to the zipline, she readied her fruit and began to sing.

"_**Way back when  
I just wanted to see you dead  
Then you spoke and I wanted you again  
But now I see your love was only in my head!**_"

Courtney hurled the pineapple at Duncan, which fortunately (for Duncan) missed its target. As the bad boy reached the other end of the zipline, he and Alejandro began to sing at a different melody, quicker as the song reached the chorus. Suspension of disbelief is required to allow for them to sing this part together despite the song being improvised.

"_**I'm sorry if I mislead you  
I didn't wanna hurt you  
I just wanted to get myyyy way!  
If it's any consolation  
Thanks to your humiliation  
I might just get to win toooday!  
Please don't...pretend to be a sa-aint  
I know...that you aren't so qua-aint  
I just think that you should know, babe  
That what you got was what you deeeeeserved.**_"

Ad they finished their part, both Duncan and Heather leaped forward for their second swing towards the Golden Pineapple. Courtney and Alejandro threw their fruit and both struck their respective target, knocking them off the zipline and dropping them towards the ground, screaming.

Up on the Amazon platform, a saddened Cody turned to Gwen and sung his part, albeit to himself, going unheard by his beloved goth girl.

"_**I don't get  
Why you'd go for him.  
Is there a chance for me yet?  
Is it a big one or is it really slim?**_"

Courtney's part sung at Gwen, however, was very much heard.

"_**I don't see  
What drove you to this.  
Was it something against me?  
Was I worth less to you than a kiss?**_"

As Courtney finished her part, Cody went for his turn at the zipline and the song progressed into the chorus, which was now sung by a very saddened and remorseful Gwen.

"_**I'm sorry if I mislead you  
I didn't wanna hurt you  
Things didn't quite go myyyy way!  
If it's any consolation  
There's no more lamentation  
That I could possibly feel toooday!  
Please don't...let anger lead to ha-ate.  
I know...that things aren't quite grea-eat.  
I just think that you should know, Court.  
That you're the last person I meant tooooo hurt.**_"

Courtney's emotions got the better of her and her forced nonchalant look momentarily slipped to one of compassion and understanding before swiftly returning to her cold despise. Seeing Cody fall, Gwen sighed and went up to the zipline for her turn. Before she zipped across, the music's tempo hit a peak and then slowed down to a more calm, slower and smoother version of the same chorus melody. With that, Gwen repeated her chorus in a sadder tone.

"_**I'm sorry if I mislead you  
I didn't wanna hurt you  
Things didn't quite go myyyy way!  
If it's any consolation  
There's no more lamentation  
That I could possibly feel toooday!  
Please don't...let anger lead to ha-ate.  
I know...that things aren't quite grea-eat.  
I just think that you should know, Court.  
That you're the last person I meant tooooo hurt.**_"

Finishing her second chorus, the song ended and Gwen sung on the zipline. As Gwen reached the middle, Izzy, who was on the opposing Gwen, kicked the pineapple to the side, allowing Gwen to reach it with her arm and wrap it around the pineapple. The pull of the zipline tugged the Golden Pineapple of the rope and Gwen held onto it until she reached the other end of the zipline, upon which she held up her trophy into the air.

"Gwen has taken the Golden Pineapple!" Chris exclaimed. "Team Amazon has won today's challenge!"

The Amazons cheered at their victory and upon seeing her former friend victoriously holding up the pineapple, a small smile briefly creeped onto Courtney's expression.

"As a reward, the Amazons will get five hours to enjoy the warm Brazilian beach afternoon, along with all the fruity drinks and all the local snacks that they can eat." Chris announced. "Plus, Gwen gets to keep the Golden Pineapple, which is actually made of tin and painted with cheap, toxic lead based golden paint."

"Gee, thanks." Gwen said, sarcastically.

"Team I'm The Supreme Leader of Awesomeville, however, will face elimination tonight!" Chris announced. "Now, head towards the plane. Amazons, I'll see you onboard for take-off at eight o'clock at night. Enjoy your reward."

* * *

Duncan waited impatiently in the Jumbo Jet's cargo hold, tapping his foot against the ground and grumbling in annoyance. When Alejandro walked in through the door, Duncan groaned.

"About freakin' time, dude."

"I told you to meet me here at four o'clock."

"It's four fifteen."

"That's just fifteen minutes late."

"I don't have a lot of patience." Duncan grumbled.

"Stop the presses." Alejandro muttered.

"What do you wanted to tell me?" Duncan cut to the chase.

"I wanted to ask you if you wanted to make it to have a chance at winning this game." Alejandro said.

"Duh."

"Well, if that's the case, then you have to work with me." Alejandro said.

"I _have_ to work with you? Dude, the only thing I _have_ to do is get Princess off my case." Duncan responded. "Besides, I've been watching this season while I was in hiding. I know, you're more two-faced than Hellbabe Heather."

"Yeah, but I think that you're no match against me in intelligence or capacity and there are contestants I am far more concerned about." Alejandro said. "So I plan to take you as far as I can as my ally before beating you in competition and your plan would be to do pretty much the same thing. So let's work together on the shared knowledge that both of us think that we have no need to doublecross each other and would much rather use each other to defeat others before taking each other out in fair game."

Duncan thought about it for a second, before smiling wickedly.

"Alright." He answered. "You might be more crooked than Heather, but you sure are more persuasive."

"I'm not so sure." Alejandro replied. "All she had to do to get you to lower your guard down was sprawl across your lap in a campfire."

"Hey! No fair, dude." Duncan growled. "I was planning on double-crossing her before I fell asleep...besides, I was fired up and Princess had been eliminated by then."

"I don't need to know about that." Alejandro said, a bit grossed out. "All I need to know is whether we have a deal."

"I think we do...Al."

"Don't call me that."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Duncan – **/_Chuckling wickedly_/ Al is freakin' dumbass. I'm gonna ride his tricky coattails until the merge and then I'll just sell him down the river as soon as I get rid of Princess and Dorklord Noah. I'm gonna do to him what Green Day did to real punk music...and trust me, that is not freakin' pretty.

**Alejandro** – Of course I need Duncan's vote to survive this elimination, since Noah already has Owen on him. So, I had to convince Izzy to help me out and I think I did it.../_Suddenly ashamed_/ At a...personal cost.

**Izzy – **/_Looking at a picture in fascination_/So big... /_She shows the picture to the camera, revealing its a picture of a large teddy bear_/ I can't believe how big is the stuffed bear Alejandro will give me!

* * *

After Alejandro left the cargo deck, he was met with nobody else than his sweet, devoted girlfriend.

"Hey Al." Bridgette said.

Alejandro had to hold back his urge to tell her to stop calling him that.

"Hey Bridge."

The blonde approached him and gently kissed his lips before pulling away.

"Why aren't you out in the beach with your team?" He asked.

"To be fair, things aren't all that at ease with the Amazons right now." Bridgette answered.

"Point taken."

"Besides, I realized that we have the first class all to ourselves for a while now and maybe we could have some...fun." Bridgette said.

Alejandro grinned.

"Don't need to tell me twice."

Bridgette giggled and took Alejandro by the hand, pulling him in all haste to the First clas cabin and closing the door.

* * *

The sun was setting on the warm, Brazilian summer afternoon as seven-thirty spun 'round the clock. Lying down on a beach chair, far away from the rest of her team, Courtney silently moped and mused to herself while she stared with nostalgically melancholic eyes to a token of better days gone by. The small, wooden skull that Duncan had carved for her during Total Drama Island and that she'd taken with her to both the subsequent seasons of Total Drama.

"I fu/_bleep_/king hate him..." She said, half-heartedly, staring at the skull.

Closing her eyes and mustering up courage, Courtney stood up and swung her arm back to get a good throwing length and send the small wooden token out into the sea, but she couldn't bring herself to swing her arm forward and merely let her arms dangle down, her hand still clutched to the skull. She was lightly startled when she heard an infamous chime.

"What? Twice in an episode?" Courtney groaned.

"Twice in an episode." Chris said, appearing from within the jungle. "And it better be about your current emotional relationship thing. Good for ratings. Now, Go!"

Chris disappeared into the foliage as a slow, Caribbean ballad melody began to play. Courtney took a deep breath and did her part.

"_**I won't pretend I'm innocent  
I won't cast the first stone.  
But when I think of how things went  
I didn't ruin us on my own.  
I know I wasn't perfect  
I know I could be cruel  
But you showed me no respect  
You thought you were so cool.  
Though, we had sunshine.  
We had good times.**_"

Courtney lifted the skull to her line of sight and stared at it as she sang, with a changed melody as the song went into second verse, which was really only a brief set-in for the chorus of the song.

"_**But now when I think of you  
All I have is bitterness...**_

Now when I think of it, there's nothing...I can doooooo!"

Then the chorus came in and Courtney clutched her small wooden skull to her chest as she stared out, in a clichéd manner, into the sun set.

"_**I love him, but he makes meeeeee hate him.  
I wanna hold him…in my arms agaaaaaaaaaain!  
But I fear, that when I hold him  
I won't control me  
And theeeeeeeeeeeen...I will strangle him...  
I will strangle him...**_"

A brief instrumental undercut of a light, acoustic guitar and some pounding drums led into the second part of the chorus. The melody was powerful and booming.

"_**Oh Duncan, how can it beeeeeeee?  
I would never turn on you  
Like you turned on meeeeeeeeeee!  
Cause even though I want to kick your ass  
And tear out your heart  
And rip you apart  
I stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiill...  
Wanna kiss your lips.  
Wanna kiss your lips.**_"

The melody slowed down once again and turned lighter as Courtney began to go back into the verse.

"_**I won't say I'll forget you  
I won't be so cold  
I just turns out I coud never get you  
If I could be so bold.  
You were my first love  
You were the world to me  
But when push comes to shove  
I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  
Though, we had sunshine.  
We had good times.**_"

The pre-chorus came in again as Courtney stared at the small skull once again.

"_**But now when I think of you  
All I have is bitterness...  
Now when I think of it, there's nothing...I can doooooo!**_"

Then, Courtney stared out into the sunset-lit sea as she sang the chorus again.

"_**I love him, but he makes meeeeee hate him.  
I wanna hold him…in my arms agaaaaaaaaaain!  
But I fear, that when I hold him  
I won't control me  
And theeeeeeeeeeeen...I will strangle him...  
I will strangle him...**_"

The second part of the chorus.

"_**Oh Duncan, how can it beeeeeeee?  
I would never turn on you  
Like you turned on meeeeeeeeeee!  
Cause even though I want to kick your ass  
And tear out your heart  
And rip you apart  
I stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiill...  
Wanna kiss your lips.  
Wanna kiss your lips.**_"

The melody shifted into the bridge and Courtney now sang with a more determined, angry tone than the previous melancholic sections.

"_**But I don't have the time to waste on you anymore!  
You can just walk away and go off with your whore!  
Don't come back for me because I am moving on!  
I'll walk away...**_"

The last line of the verse was back to the song's general melancholic tone and then the chorus came in again, sounding bitter and angered again.

"_**I loved him, but he makes meeeeee hate him.  
I wanna choke him…with my hands agaaaaaaaaaain!  
But I'm sure that, when I hold him  
I won't control me  
And theeeeeeeeeeeen...I will strangle him...  
I will strangle him...**_"

The second part of the chorus.

"_**Oh Duncan, how can it beeeeeeee?  
I would never turn on you  
Like you turned on meeeeeeeeeee!  
And now beware 'cause I'll kick your ass  
And tear out your heart  
And rip you apart  
I wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiill...  
Crush your freakin' head  
Crush your freakin' head!**_"

An instrumental outro played in a powerful tone and Courtney raised her arm to fling the small skull towards the sea. However, despite the determined tone of the song, Courtney's arm fell limp again and the brunette looked at the small skull in misery once more. She tried to raise her arm again but didn't and merely walked away, still holding the small token.

* * *

Hours later, after the Amazons returned to the Jumbo Jet and it took off, in the elimination deck, stuff was tense. Team Chris sat in the bleachers while the members of Team Amazon looked on, wanting to know how things would play out in the end after the day's dramatic revelations. Chris stood at his podium and spoke.

"Well, today was a surprising day here in Total Drama." Chris said. "...And we have an even more surprising elimination! Let's tally this up!"

* * *

**(Bathroom voting confessional)**

**Alejandro** - /_Stamps a passport_/Goodbye, Little Buddy...

**Noah – **/_Stamps a passport_/Good riddance to bad Spaniards.

**Duncan** – /_Stamps a passport_/ Nobody compares me to Green Day!

**Owen** – /_Stamps a passport with reluctance_/ If my Little Buddy says so, I guess he has a point...

**Izzy** – /_Reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a small coatí, which pulls out a stamp and stamps a passport_/

* * *

"...And, the member of Team Chris to be eliminated is..."

Noah and Alejandro stared at each other menacingly, while Bridgette stared at Alejandro with worry and Owen did the same for Noah. Courtney stared at Duncan in anger, while Gwen stared at Courtney in misery, concern and repentance and Cody stared at Gwen with longing and concern. Heather stared at her nails as they dried and Izzy stared at a pretty butterfly fluttering about.

"Is..."

A large, roaring noise tore across the elimination deck as a jet appeared next to the Jumbo Jet, visible through the open elimination deck window. The jet's door opened to reveal a man dressed in a black suit.

"Agent Izzy, we require your help!" The man yelled.

Izzy leaped to attention in military formation.

"Sir, yes sir!" Izzy yelled back.

"The nefariously nefarious Dr. Eric Praline is plotting to destroy Belgium with some laser cows in his new base in Arkansas and we need your help!" The agent instructed.

"Right on it, sir!"

"Izzy, what's going on?" Owen asked, shocked.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you." Izzy muttered. "I sort of work for a multinational espionage/security/taco making agency."

"What?"

"Sorry Big-O but I can't stay to chat...duty calls!" Izzy exclaimed.

The crazy redhead went over to her boyfriend and gave him a deep kiss before leaping out the elimination door and into the agent's jet. The jet's door closed and the plane darted away, leaving the rest of the cast baffled.

"Well, that was unexpected." Chris said. "I guess the elimination has been settled by outside forces!"

"What?!" Yelled Courtney, Duncan, Noah, Alejandro and Heather in unison.

"Yeah, Izzy's gone so we can't just eliminate to of you for losing one challenge."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so..."

"DAMN!"

The stares that were previously mentioned were resumed once again as tension overhauled the elimination deck with even more ferociousness.

"Looks like this season is getting intense!" Chris proclaimed. "What enmities and friendships will continue? What relationships will flail or be rekindled? What will happen in general with the universe, life and everything? Find out next time on Total...Drama..._Wooooooooooooorld Touuuuuuuuuuuuur_!"

* * *

**Votes:**

Alejandro – Noah

Noah – Alejandro

Duncan – Noah

Owen – Alejandro

Izzy - /Not revealed to you for plot purposes, ha ha!/

* * *

**Read & review**

**Gracias Totales,  
Mr. Panama Red.**


	13. Freaks & Greeks

**Here's a new chapter. Sorry for taking almost three months, but I swear it's a good one.**

**Please read and review.**

* * *

**Chapter 13:** **Freaks & Greeks**

Last time on Total Drama World Tour...things got hot as the cast went down to sunny Brazil and passions got flaming!

As the two teams tried to save different endangered species from extinction, Gwen tried to salvage her friendships with Duncan and Courtney from termination by smoothing things out between her and the bad boy. However, some spontaneous tongue action in the wrong place at the wrong time made Courtney find out about the pairs' illicit smooching and all hell broke loose, breaking up the show's golden couple! Sad...

Ultimately, Gwen won the challenge for the Amazons after a fruity zipline battle and Team Awesome Person hit the deck! Though it looked as if either Noah or Alejandro would fall off the chopping block, it was finally Izzy who went out the loser door as she was called away on some of her weird subplots. What will become of the now estranged Amazons? What will become of the show's greatest love triangle ever? What will become of our ratings because of said love triangle? Find out in tonight's epic episode of Total...Drama..._Woooooooorld Touuuuuuuuuur_!"

* * *

Bridgette surveyed the First Class cabin with her nerves shot. Prior to the Brazil challenge, Courtney and Gwen would be sitting next to each other, giggling and chatting away about several things while Heather sat in a corner and eyed them suspiciously. She herself would probably be meditating and Cody would be merrily playing with his iPhone.

Now, Courtney was sitting in a corner with an eternal scowl on her face while Heather did her nails and smiled to herself and Gwen sat at the cabin bar, gulping down glass after glass of soda. She herself was trying to read a magazine to distract her shot nerves and Cody was broodingly listening to some sad, sad music on his iPod.

Nothing was well in Amazon world.

At the bar, Gwen stared at her glass briefly and then took a hold of it. She gulped down the Coke Zero and then sat the glass down on the coaster. Javier, the intern rather fat Mexican intern behind the bar, poured her another drink and then Gwen kept on talking.

"...I mean, before this season Courtney and I just hated each other but now the fact that she's mad at me is just chewing mew up inside! What's worse is that even after all the trouble he's been and how much of jerk he's been over the whole thing, I still can't stop swooning when I think of Duncan! I really don't get it, Javier!"

"Perdone señora, yo no se inglés." Javier answered.

"Oh, sorry." Gwen apologized.

The goth gulped down her drink again and once more spoke.

"O sea, ni siquiera me importaba Courtney hasta el principio de esta temporada pero ahora que ella esta enojada conmigo no puedo parar..."

"Would you please shut up?!" Javier exclaimed, annoyed.

On a nearby seat, Heather heard this and chuckled to herself while she continued to file her nails. She turned to Bridgette.

"Bridgette, what is that delicious smell?" Heather asked, rhetorically. "Oh, I know! It's..."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **/_Joyful_/ Tension! And it has _nothing_ to do with me! I have never felt so safe before. Thanks, Gwen!

**Courtney** – /_Bitter_/ Do I care that my supposed friend stole my boyfriend? Yes. Will I let it get in the way of my victory over this crappy show? No. Will I let it drive me crazy? No. Will I laugh at Gwen and Duncan's utter humiliation when I tear them apart and have them thrown off the show? Oh hell yeah!

* * *

In the losers' cabin, things also weren't going so well. Unlike the Amazons, who were all in one-man (or rather one-woman) factions, Team Chris was split into two sub-teams. Team F/_bleep_/k Noah and Team F/_bleep_/k Alejandro.

Noah and Alejandro sat across from each other in the cabin, staring daggers at each other and never breaking eye contact, not even when Alejandro poured himself a cup of coffee (which ended partly on his crotch) and not even when Noah somehow read a book for half an hour. Owen and Duncan, though allied to Noah and Alejandro respectively, were too busy sleeping to care about their respective ally's involvement in the borderline psychotic staring contest.

"When was the last time you blunk?" Alejandro asked.

"The past simple of blink is blinked" Noah corrected.

"When was the last time you weren't such an annoying dingbat?" Alejandro retorted.

Noah sneered at him and menacingly slimmed his glare by partially closing his eyes.

"Why do we keep carrying out this feud, Noah? We're the smartest guys on this show. If we teamed up, we could easily make it to the final two together and then we'll let the best man win." Alejandro proposed.

"You said it yourself. I'm smart, so I don't fall for obvious ploys." Noah said. "I know you promised Duncan you'd take him to the final two with you to get him on your side and I know that as soon as he becomes more of a liability than an asset, you'll have him eliminated preemptively. The reason you could do that to him is because he's an idiot. I'm not. Besides, by now you've done enough crap to make me into a moralist."

"So be it." Alejandro replied. "Can I blink now?"

"I think it would be best if we both blinked right now."

"I think so too."

"Then we are agreed."

Both of them blinked.

"We'll have our final battle soon enough, Noah." Alejandro threatened.

"Looking forward to it."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro** – /_Makes a cutthroat sign_/

* * *

The plane landed without too many complications in a long, dusty runway in the middle of a mountainous region. Surprised by the fact that they weren't dropped off the plane in an elaborate/retarded stunt, the cast were hesitant to step off the plane, afraid that Chris awaited outside with some kind of elaborate/retarded scheme to humiliate them. However, at Chef Hatchet's rather angry insistence, the cast made it out of the plane through the front door, though it turned out Chris indeed had a retarded scheme to humiliate them. It just wasn't very elaborate.

"So we just step out of the plane, no elaborate/retarded scheme to humiliaaaaaah!" Gwen yelled as she stepped out of the plane and fell several feet before hitting the ground, since there was no ladder on the exit to make a safe descent.

Chef Hatchet snickered and pushed the cast forward, causing them all to fall out of the plane and land painfully on the ground below, one by one.

"Does this amuse you somehow?" Heather yelled at Hatchet.

"In many ways!" Hatchet yelled back. "I just had more fun than I did on my first weddin'!"

"I'm sure you did you psychotic piece of shi-"

"SILENCE!" Chris' voice boomed out of nowhere.

Lightning struck across the air and epic war music began to play.

"It's broad daylight and there isn't a cloud in the sky." Noah pointed out.

"STOP RUINING THE MAGIC!" Chris' voice boomed again.

Lightning struck again and smoke began to cover the air. The cast coughed as Chris began to be lowered from the heavens towards them, dressed in a pompous purple and gold-lined tunic with sandals and wreaths around his brow.

"I am Chrizeuus, the Greaaaaaaaaah!"

The host yelled as the crane lowering him malfunctioned and dropped him to the ground flat on his face. The cast burst into a mixture of coughing and laughter while the smoke cleared and the host got back on his feet.

"CHEF!" Chris yelled. "What the hell, dude?! We practiced my entrance like fifty times last night!"

"So that's why all that smoke was coming out your cabin." Owen remarked. "Then where was the smell of roasted ham coming from?"

"Probably the roasted ham you stole from Chris and ate last night." Noah answered.

"Shh." Owen hushed his friend.

"Anyway, the big God-like entrance which accurately reflects my personality..."

"You mean pompous, unnecessarily flashy and ultimately doomed to failure?" Gwen remarked, which incited laughter from most of the cast.

"You can try all you want but you can't win back audience affection by making fun of me, Whorey McBoyfriendstealer." Chris growled.

Gwen looked away in shame, Courtney glared and Chris chuckled.

"As I was saying...the big entrance was to introduce today's country and challenges." Chris said. "Which will take place in the birthplace of democracy, militarism, pederasty and using sports to show off in a douchey way...Greece!"

"I love that musical!" Owen exclaimed.

"Greece with 'ce' at the end and no 'a'." Noah said, deadpan.

"I love their feta cheese!" Owen corrected himself.

"Before we unveil today's challenges, I have something really cool to show you guys!" Chris exclaimed.

"We've already seen the sequel to your lame badminton movie." Heather said.

"Huh?"

"Yeah." The cast said in unison.

"But we didn't see '_Greatminton II: Great in Greece_' because it was great." Noah clarified. "We saw it due to its ironic comedy value, which is why our generation does half of the stuff it does."

"Hey! I won a Golden Globe for '_Greatminton_'!" Chris exclaimed.

"What did you get for '_Greatminton II_'?" Noah asked cockily, already knowing the answer.

"Five Razzies and Robert DeNiro said he'd quit acting because he lost faith in the trade after seeing my performance." Chris said. "But what do those guys know?! I killed it as The Flipper in the first one and I was even better as The Zombie Flipper in the second!"

"Didn't Heath Ledger mention your performance in his suicide note?" Gwen asked.

"What I wanted to show you was the decorative statues of you we prepared for the challenge." Chris said, trying to change the subject.

"Huh?" The cast asked.

"Follow me." Chris commanded.

The cast did as it was told and accompanied Chris to a pantheon surrounded by Corinthian columns. In the pantheon were several large figures covered in red tarps. Chris approached the first of these figures and pulled off the tarp, revealing a statue of Owen wearing a toga, holding a large ham up to his mouth with his right hand and a bottle of wine on his left hand.

"Say hello to Dionysius, the Greek God of fine living, wine and ecstasy!" Chris exclaimed.

The cast admired the statue, which was incredibly well crafted and presented a very accurate depiction of Owen in the greek costume.

"This statue's actually pretty impressive." Gwen said, ever the art expert. "It really looks like an ancient greek statue. Who made this?"

"Chef." Chris replied.

"Chef can sculpt?" Gwen asked, a bit bewildered.

"He also writes beautiful sonnets." Chris replied. "He made these statues especially for this challenge and also to be sold later on to very dedicated fans and collectors."

"How did he know what contestants were going to make it this far?" Alejandro asked.

"Because he started making them when we left Brazil." Chris explained.

"That would explain the loud banging noises and swearing we've been hearing around the plane these last few days." Noah exclaimed.

"Chris, if my statue gets a ham, do I get one?" Owen asked.

"You stole a ham from me last night." Chris frowned.

"Oh, so you know about that." Owen said, awkwardly pausing. "Can I get a _second_ ha-"

"No."

"OK."

"The next statue." Chris said, approaching the statue.

The host pulled off the tarp, revealing a statue of Courtney standing at attention. She wore a dress with breast-plate and shoulder-plates, a war helmet with a rising blade going up the center and sandals. She was holding a speak on her left right hand and a shield with an owl design on the left hand.

"Athena, the Greek Goddess of wisdom, courage and civilization!" Chris exclaimed.

"Yes!" Courtney exclaimed. "So badass!"

"If Crazy in Training gets the goddess of wisdom, I should get the goddess of...godessing." Heather said, jokingly. "Though seriously Chris, unveil my statue of Aphrodite now."

"Actually, Aphrodite would have gone to Lindsay." Chris said.

"Yeah." All the boys agreed, causing Heather to scoff and growl.

"Instead you get..."

Chris pulled off the tarp from the next statue, revealing it to be a depiction of a scowling, cross-armed Heather wearing a dress which was white in the center and black on the sides, along with a bejewelled choker and bracelets and a wreath around her brow.

"Hera, the Greek Goddess of women, marriage and being a mean, jealous harpy." Chris exclaimed.

"I hate you." Heather said, unwittingly adopting the same posture and facial expression as her disliked statue. "That is nothing like me."

"Next one." Chris said, approaching another tarp.

The host pulled off the tarp, revealing a statue of Bridgette wearing a greek dress which had a leafy decor. There were several rose vines wrapped around her arms and shoulders She had her hair in a bun and also wore a wreath on her brow.

"Demeter, Goddess of nature and the harvests." Chris stated.

"Appropriate." Everyone agreed.

Chris moved on to the next statue and pulled the tarp off its frame, revealing a statue of Noah in a toga, chained by the neck to the ground. He is holding up a flaming torch with his right hand and pulling on the chain with his left hand. It appears as if the Noah in the statue is trying to walk forward but is impedimented by the chain.

"Prometheus, the Titan who freed humanity with the gift of fire." Chris explained. "Fire being a metaphor for knowledge."

"Self-sacrificial hero trying to save people from their own stupidity." Noah said, smirking. "Chris, I don't know what I ever had against you."

"I can't wait to see you get chained locked in a maze with a Minotaur." Duncan growled.

"That's what happened to Theseus." Noah said.

Duncan wanted to retort, but Alejandro stopped him before he made even more of a fool out of himself.

"The next statue makes Noah's statue even more appropriate." Chris said.

The host pulled off the next tarp to reveal a statue of Alejandro in an epic pose, wearing an epic robe with jewelled decor, holding up a lightning bolt in his left hand like a spear about to be thrown. He also had a wreath around his brow.

"Zeus, the God of Gods!" Chris announced. "Also God of the sky and lightning and other cool stuff."

"So Aledorko gets the biggest god of them all and I get the royal witch!?" Heather yelled. "He should have gotten the god of dung or something!"

"Zeus is known for being the jerkiest of all the gods." Noah pointed out.

"e's also known for chaining Prometheus to a mountain and setting a wild eagle on him for pissing him off." Alejandro retorted.

The bookworm and the Spaniard stared at each other menacingly while Chris pulled the tarp off the next statue, revealing a depiction of Duncan in a torn robe, wearing a golden crown and holding a trident.

"Poseidon, God of the sea." Chris revealed.

"What do I have to do with the sea?" Duncan asked.

"We mostly gave you Poseidon because he's the most temperamental and aggressive of all the Greek gods." Chris explained. "But also because it fits with the next statue."

Chris moved onto the next tarp and pulled it off to reveal a depiction of Gwen with a snake's tail instead of legs, sharp claws, demonic wings and snakes for hair.

"Medusa the Gorgon, who got caught making out with Poseidon by Athena, who then turned Medusa into a hideous beast for being a treacherous witch." Chris explained.

Gwen, Courtney and Duncan simultaneously glared at Chris.

"Hey, you should know by now that I will exploit your predicament to gain ratings as much as I can." Chris said. "This is pretty much the easiest way."

Chris moved on to the next statue.

"Last and definitely least."

The host pulled off the tarp to reveal a statue of Cody in a small greek robe, wearing a winged helmet, winged sandals and holding a notebook.

"Hermes, Greek God of I'm not sure but in the Hercules Disney movie he was a messenger and that's pretty much the most demeaning position we could give you, Cody." Chris explained.

The geek glared at the host, who just kept on smiling.

"Onto the challenges!" Chris exclaimed.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody** – /_Annoyed_/ I won the last two challenges for my team practically single handed! What will it take to make people respect me around here! Bah, who cares anyway. Gwen went for Duncan...I don't really care about anything anymore /_Pauses to think for a second. Looks up hopefully at the camera_/ Wait, not caring makes you cool, right? Maybe then Gwen will go for me! All I have to do is not make a deal out of things! Oh yeah! Woohooo!

* * *

The cast, the host and some interns regrouped in the middle of a large ruined citadel.

"Welcome to the Athenian Acropolis, which the Greek government allowed us to rent very cheaply because they are _seriously_ desperate for money!" Chris explained. "This place was home to many of the very first of Olympians who, as my intern has informed me, used to compete naked."

"Alright." Owen sighed. "Time to drop the laundry."

The cast gasped in shock as Owen began to undo his pants and belt buckle. Chris tried to cover his eyes and yelled for Owen to stop.

"No, no, no! That was just a quirky fact, not an order!" The host exclaimed. "There's no need to be a hundred percent accurate! Stay dressed! _Very_ dressed! We only have to resort to _partial_ nudity if there's a tie-breaker."

The host cleared his throat and approached the contestants.

"Since Team Chris Is A Greek God is down a man and Team Amazon is an all-girl team..." Chris said.

Cody sighed in disappointment.

"...In order to make things fair, all of today's challenges will be one on one matches. Every victory gets you a gold medal and by the end, the team with the most gold wins first class to the next location. The team with the most silver wins a brutal elimination ceremony." Chris explained.

"What about the team with most bronze?" Owen asked.

"There's no bronze." Chris answered.

"But on the Olympics..."

"These aren't the Olympics, Owen." Chris answered.

"But..."

"Hush!" Chris said.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen **– When I was a kid, I always dreamed of being an Olympian and bringing back the gold for my country! Standing proud at the pedestal with my head held high as they put the gold around my neck.../_Sheds a tear_/ Guess this is another gold medal that I'm not winning for Canada...Way to let down your nation, Owen. Way to go...

* * *

The cast was taken to the middle of one of the nearby ruins, where two rows of ten hurdles of increasing height were set-up in a hundred metre stretch.

"The first challenge will require the two most agile competitors of each team." Chris said. "Through a careful selection process which involved Chef and I discussing it for less than five minutes over drinks in the Jumbo Jet last night we've selected Heather and Alejandro for this challenge, which will be a hurlers race."

"Don't you mean a hurdles race?" Alejandro asked.

"Nope. Chef, deliver the serum."

Chef, dressed like a ninja, dropped down upside down and hanging by his feet from an elastic rope to the spot between Heather and Alejandro. At all speed, he drew two syringes and injected their content into Heather and Alejandro's right and left arm, respectively. As quickly as he came, he shot up with his rope and was gone. The two injected contestants groaned at the shots and rubbed the spot where they were injected.

"What the hell, Chri..."

Before Heather could finish, she felt a cramp in her stomach and then threw up. Almost immediately afterwards, Alejandro did the same.

"Whomever makes it to the other end of the hurdles first and knocking down the least amount of hurdles will win the hurlers race _and_ the first challenge. After you make it to the other side, you will be given an antidote for the vomit inducing toxin you were just given." Chris explained. "Also, try to get to the other side in less than five minutes because after that the toxin reaches your pancreas and it gives you deadly explosive diarrhea...which I say literally. Your lower intestines explode with diarrhea and you die because of it. Now go!"

"You're dispecabaaaagh!" Heather yelled as she puked.

Not wasting any more time, Alejandro bolted for the hurdles. After successfully leaping over the first one, he figured the challenge might not be too hard, since he'd developed a strong stomach due to his mother's excessively spicy cooking but found it to not be the case when he puked in mid-air as he leaped over the second hurdle. The spew hit his shirt and caused him to fall flat on his face, knocking over the hurdle.

Heather found herself in a similar situation, leaping over the first hurdle with ease but puking while attempting the second. However, unlike Alejandro she was able to hold the puke in her mouth but after she leaped the third, another wave of puke came up and the Asian girl launched it forward onto the floor as she landed. Upon landing, she slipped on the vomit puddle and fell flat on her back, managing to avoid knocking over the hurdles in front and behind her.

Alejandro recovered from his injury and managed to barely get over the third and fourth hurdles, but then felt another wave of puke coming up. Turning his head he managed to spill it onto Heather's row of hurdles just as the girl leaped over the fourth hurdle, causing her to land on the puddle and slip over it, falling forward and landing with her stomach in the puke puddle. She threw him the finger and then puked herself, which distracted him long enough to slam right onto the fifth hurdle, knocking it down.

Heather staggered over the fifth hurdle, making a small jump and getting over without falling it but knocking it down. The small jump wore out her stomach and the Asian girl hurled again before stumbling and accidentally headbutting the sixth hurdle, which knocked it down.

As both the contestants were on the floor puking, Chris smiled to himself.

"This has got to be the most disgusting challenge yet!" Chris exclaimed. "We are so winning the Gemini for Most Vomitting Scenes in a Reality Show this year!"

On the sidelines, the other contestants observed the disgusting spectacle as it took place, some of them holding down puke themselves.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Gwen** – /_Disgusted_/ Chris took it too far this time. I normally wouldn't mind seeing Heather suffer...but nobody should have to land face first in their own vomit. Nobody.

**Noah** – Even I felt a little pity for Alejandro when he slipped on his own vomit and slammed face first into the sixth hurdle before vomiting over it and then dropping his face on the vomit puddle due to the exhaustion.

**Bridgette – **/_Swallowing back some vomit_/Whoever came up with the idea of a hurling hurdles race is a sick person. A _very, very_ sick person.

* * *

Heather fell over the seventh hurdle, knocking it down with her stomach and then puked again on the floor, thankfully managing to raise her head while doing so, so that her face wouldn't fall back into a puddle of vomit when she dropped it in exhaustion.

Next to her, Alejandro struggled to get up from the spot where he'd knocked down the sixth hurdle and promptly puked again, but much more so than the previous times. Then he stumbled forward onto the puke and slipped forward, the slurry vomit helping him defy friction as he slid forward under the seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth hurdles on his chest. When he made it to the other side, Chris and Chef approached him, the latter holding a syringe containing a blue liquid. The host lifted up the Spaniard's arm and the cook injected the blue antidote into his forearm. Afterwards, Alejandro puked one last time.

"...And Alejandro wins for Team Me!" Chris exclaimed.

Chef pulled a gold medal out of his pocket and placed it around the now nearly unconscious Alejandro's neck.

"Oh God, Al! Are you OK?!" Bridgette yelled as she ran to his side.

"I'm...fine." He groaned.

The surfer girl hugged her boyfriend but immediately regretted it as she found her arms to be stained by some puke afterwards. The surfer girl gave out a disgusted groan and wiped the slurry off her arm on the ground.

"You don't mind if I don't kiss you for a couple of hours, right?" Bridgette asked.

"Not at all...mi querida." Alejandro groaned.

"No fair!" Courtney exclaimed. "He went under the last few hurdles!"

"All I said was that the winner was the person who made it past the hurdles first without knocking down the most and considering that Alejandro made it first and that Heather seems to have just knocked down the last four hurdles...he wins."

Courtney glared at the host.

"Speaking of Heather, I think you should probably give her the antidote before she sh/_bleep_/ts herself to death." Gwen said, pointing to the nearly comatose Heather, who had just made it through the last hurdle.

Chef approached the Asian girl and injected her with the antidote.

"Wait...girls poop?" Owen asked, befuddled.

"Yes Owen...girls poop." Gwen answered, chuckling.

"Girls have the same bodily functions as guys, Owen." Noah replied, with a tone that bordered confusion and annoyance. "Why would you think otherwise?"

"They always just seemed so...so clean." The fat boy answered.

"Well, as Heather has clearly demonstrated by puking all over the place...they're not." Noah said, chuckling sardonically.

"Screw..." Heather began.

The raven-haired girl puked.

"...You."

The raven-haired girl passed out.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **/_Pensive and quiet_/ Do girls pee too?

* * *

The contestants re-grouped once again under a large banner with the word "START" printed on it in large, bolded, red capital letters. Next to the banner were also two large cubes with tarps draped over them.

"The next challenge is another proud Olympic tradition...a triathlon!" Chris announced.

"It's not another tri-armed triathlon, is it?" Heather asked, looking over at Owen (her former TDI triathlon partner) with disgust.

"No, no. It's just a good old-fashioned dorkathlon." Chris answered.

"Dorkathlon? Cody asked.

"Yep. You and Noah are going to run along the marked track over there." Chris pointed out. "Then swim across that Olympic sized pool and finally get on those bikes and pedal your way up and then down that hill to the finish line."

"Jesus." Cody groaned. "Wanna set live bears on us while you're at it?"

"No, but I did intend to set these guys..."

Chris pulled the tarps off the two cubes, revealing two cages containing two large, drooling, overgrown, rabid looking teenagers. Both of them were near identical. Both had long, mop-top haircuts that practically covered their eyes; long drooping noses, large ears and big mouthes with yellow, crooked teeth. The only thing that told them apart was their clothing, with the one on the right wearing a more punk-styled attire and the one on the left wearing a grungier outfit.

"...on you." Chris finished his sentence. "These are Marcus and Finn, the Abraham Twins, two bully brothers we shipped in from Detroit and injected with near fatal doses of testosterone. I'm going to let them out in thirty seconds. That's all the head start you have."

"You can't be..."

"Twenty eight seconds."

"Bye!" Noah exclaimed as he began to run down the track.

Upon seeing that his adversary was gaining distance, Cody began to run after him. Five seconds afterwards and twenty seconds before the time he had promised, Chris opened the cages and let Marcus and Finn chase after the two running nerds. Then, the host turned to the other contestants.

"While those two are suffering, let's start on the other tests." He said. "Courtney and Duncan. You two are up next. Against each other!"

* * *

On a nearby hill stood a ruined temple which used to be the home of the producers of the first olympics. Currently, it was the spot where the three producers of Total Drama, Damian Hellburn, Manuel Alberti and Carter Denham had set-up their base of operations for the greek episode. Alberti and Denham observed the contestants through a set of monitors while Hellburn was busy talking on the phone.

"What do you mean 'the engineer died'?" Hellburn yelled over the phone.

Faint mumbling comes out of the phone.

"Oh...Yeah, I guess it is reasonable to die if you're crushed by three and a half tons of machinery." He grumbled.

More faint mumbling.

"Well, we wanted to pay for his medical insurance but it was a lot and besides it's not like people die in machinery related accidents that much."

More mumbling.

"They do? Really? Huh...suddenly all those strikes for better working conditions at my old factory make a lot more sense." Hellburn muttered. "Well, can you get us another engineer, like, fast? We need a lot of robots to get finished for the next challenge in four days."

More mumbling.

"You can? Great. What's his name?"

Mumbling.

"Pratt?"

Mumbling.

"Turpentine?"

Mumbling.

"Look, I can't hear you very well. The signal here in Greece is awful. I'll call you later and we'll sort it out. Ciao."

Mumbling.

"Yes, I know that's Italian but I don't know freaking Greek. Besides, I don't have to say goodbye in the language of the country I'm in over the phone."

Mumbling.

"No, I don't."

Mumbling.

"No, I don't."

Mumbling.

"No, I don't. Shut up!"

Hellburn hung up the phone and returned to his chair between the chairs where Alberti and Denham were sitting on. He joined them in watching the contestants over the multiple surveillance television sets.

"What'd I miss?"

"Heather and Alejandro had a puke race. Noah and Cody are triathloning while chased by bullies. Courtney and Duncan are about to compete." Alberti answered.

"Oh, that'll be good for ratings." Hellburn exclaimed happily.

"Yeah."

"Hey, is triathloning really a word?" Hellburn asked.

"Don't know, man."

"Cool."

* * *

"Hammer toss?" Bridgette exclaimed in horror. "Chris, you can't make them do that. They'll kill each other!"

"Kind of the desired effect, Little Bridgette." Chris snickered.

Courtney and Duncan were standing inside white squares drawn on the ground that were ten meters away from each other. Next to both squares were large crates containing hundreds and hundreds of clean steel claw hammers.

"You are going to feel everything I felt in my heart when you double-crossed me, Duncan." Courtney threatened. "But you're gonna feel it in your heart and every other part of your body too!"

"You scare me, babe!" Duncan yelled mockingly.

"Chris, you can't seriously let them do this." Bridgette said. "They will kill each other...for real!"

"They probably will." Chris said. "Who wants to bet on which one dies first? My money's on Duncan. Courtney will massacre him."

"I can get in on that action." Owen said.

"Owen!" Gwen exclaimed. "You don't bet on your friends dying!"

"Kids, the rules are simple!" Chris announced. "You two will toss hammers at each other in an attempt to knock each other out of the squares you're both standing in. When one of you falls or moves out of the square, you lose the round. If you fall and any part of your body is still inside the square, you can get up and continue because your whole body has to be out of the square for the round to be over. The best out of three rounds makes the winner. Now..."

Courtney flung a hammer across the air, striking Duncan in the shoulder. The bad boy recoiled in pain and the brunette chuckled.

"What the f/_bleep_/ck!" Duncan yelled. "That f/_bleep_/ing hurt!"

"Come on, who threw that?" Chris asked.

"What?" Duncan groaned.

"Who threw that hammer?" The host repeated.

"Are you kidding me?! She did!" Duncan yelled in exasperation.

"I'm sorry, I thought we'd started." The brunette said with malice.

"There's always one, isn't there?" Chris groaned. "Right, don't throw any more hammers yet?"

"That's all you're gonna do?! Dude, she threw a hammer at me without warning!" Duncan yelled.

"Well, for all I know it was you who threw that hammer, so I can't punish her if I'm not sure."

"_Me_?! Why would I throw a hammer at my own shoulder?!"

"To frame Courtney so I'd punish her, like you asked me to do. Awfully convenient, Duncan." Chris said, leering at him.

"You've got to be kidding me?!"

As the bad boy growled at the host, Courtney threw another hammer at him, this time nailing him in the stomach.

"Jesus Christ!" Duncan yelled as he bent over in pain.

"OK, who threw that one?" Chris asked again, exasperated.

"What?!" Duncan growled. "Oh, screw this!"

The punk picked up a hammer and lobbed it at Courtney but missed due to being disoriented because of the pain and struck Chris in the back instead.

"Damn it!" Chris yelled in pain, clutching the spot where he'd been hit. "Goddamnit Duncan, you're really pissing me off!"

"Now you know who it was?!" Duncan yelled, infuriated.

"Because of that, Courtney gets the first shot!" Chris growled.

"She already took the first shot!"

Courtney picked up another hammer out of the box and threw it at Duncan, striking him in the knee. The bad boy yelled in pain but managed to overcome it due to the rage-fueled adrenaline that began to course threw his body. He picked a hammer out of the box and threw it at Courtney, hitting her in the arm.

"BEGIN!" Chris announced.

The angered Duncan threw two simultaneous hammers at his ex-girlfriend, one of which missed by a longshot, not even getting close to the square while the other came close to her leg but she managed to leap out of the way. She leaped and rolled to dodge his hammer and to get closer to the hammer box. The brunette grabbed a hammer out of the box and flung it at Duncan, who was trying to grab a hammer from his box and who got struck in the hand. The punk swore because of the pain and then swore again as he leaped away from a hammer Courtney had thrown.

He tried to make it back to the hammer box but Courtney nailed him on the side of the body with one hammer, then on the shoulder with another, then on the leg, then on the chest and finally she threw a fifth and final hammer that slammed into his forehead and made him fall backwards, completely out of the square.

"And Courtney takes the first round!" Chris announced. "Duncan, get back on the square for round two!"

"Can't I get a five minute break?"

"I'm gonna break you into five pieces." Courtney muttered.

"If you don't get back on the square in five seconds you're out and Courtney wins." Chris replied.

The bad boy thought about turning in the towel, since he was pretty sure the last hammer blow had given him a concussion but the thought of that bitch beating him roused him back onto his feet and back into the square for round two.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Duncan** – /_Enraged_/ If that Crazy in Training thinks she can emasculate me throughout our relationship, both literally and figuratively, beat the crap out of me with hammers and get away with it...she's got so many things coming to her!

* * *

"Bring it on, Princess!" Duncan screamed.

The brunette bellowed a scream of war and threw a hammer at her ex. Bellowing his own scream of war, Duncan caught the hammer a few inches away from his face and in one fluid motion he threw it back to her. Courtney was not so lucky, as the hammer slammed against her gut. She was lucky a few seconds later when she tripped and accidentally dodged a hammer that Duncan had thrown towards her head.

Getting up, Courtney partially dodged one of his hammers, which didn't hit het but winged the side of her shoulder, knocking her down on top of the hammer box. The brunette accidentally banged her head against the lid of the trunk of hammers. While stunned, she felt another one of Duncan's hammers hit her lower back. Furious because of the pain, she picked up hammer after hammer and began to fling them towards him in a blind fury, not aiming to hit him but rather just viciously flinging them and strike him by chance.

Her maddened plan wasn't entirely mad, since Duncan had to dodge rapidly and move hectically to avoid the onslaught of pounding tools that threatened to pound him to pieces. Most of them he managed to avoid since she wasn't trying to be precise but the odd hammer would hit him somewhere and deal some serious damage. His already wounded shoulders and stomach took a lot of blows during her maddened rampage, with at least three hammers nailing his shoulders and two on his stomach. The adrenaline kept him from doubling over and becoming a sitting duck but he was eventually forced to a standstill by the pain when one of the randomly flung hammers struck the spot that Courtney had struck so many times before...his kiwis.

The bad boy gave out a high-pitched wail and bent over, clutching his injured testes. Seeing an opportunity arise, Courtney calculated her following toss more carefully and instead of making it a down-going toss, she hurled the hammer in an up-going motion. The brunette watched as her carefully aimed hammer spun across the air towards the bastard who'd crushed her heart and she cheered in unbelievable satisfaction as the hammer struck him dead on the forehead.

The blow stunned the bad boy, who howled in pain. Barely conscious, he grabbed a hammer out of the box and threw it with all his force, after which he fell backwards completely out of the square. Courtney was so distracted celebrating her calibrated shot that she didn't notice the hammer until it was slamming into her cheek. Stunned, the brunette fell to her knees, still inside the square but heavily injured.

"And Courtney is the winner!" Chris announced.

"Courtney!" Gwen exclaimed in horror.

The goth girl ran to the brunette's side and tried to tend to her.

"Are you OK?"

"Yes! Get off me!"

"But Court..."

"I don't need your help!" Courtney yelled.

After this exclamation, Gwen's expression hardened.

"Jesus Court, I'm sorry! I've said a million times for Christ's sake! I understand why you're mad but now I'm just trying to help you!" Gwen growled.

"You've done more than enough to help me! You lied to me, manipulated me and ruined my relationship with a guy whom I actually cared about! You've done more than freaking enough to help me out, Gwen!"

"I am just sick and tired of you hanging that over my head, trying to guilt me..."

"I'm not trying to guilt you, I'm pointing out how you are guilty and that you should make up for it by leaving me alone!"

"Well, you know what? Fine. If you don't want to be friends, I won't be your friend." The goth growled, furious.

Driven by insane rage, Gwen marched away from Courtney and towards the awakening Duncan. The bad boy noticed the goth when she knelt down in front of him and he definitely noticed her when she kissed him passionately. Duncan responded the only way he could and kissed back. Reasonably, the entire cast was aghast.

"What's up with that?" Duncan whispered to the goth when she pulled away.

"I'm sick of Courtney." Gwen answered.

The bad boy looked over to his ex-girlfriend and saw heartbreak pouring out of her. He smiled wickedly and kissed the goth once again. A screech of pain and fury tore across the ears of the cast as Courtney vanished from sight at all haste, not wanting to see the atrocity any more. Bridgette tried to follow but Alejandro stopped her.

"Dramatic stuff." Chris said before turning to the cameraman. "We got all of that, right?"

The camera shook up and down as the cameraman nodded.

"Cool..."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette **– I really don't know what to think anymore...Courtney was so torn up and Gwen had been really mean but I know Gwen...she isn't normally like this. /_Groans in confusion_/ Nothing this horrible ever happened in the previous seasons.

**Courtney** – /_Weeps silently, her face buried in her knees_/.

**Gwen** – /_Self-assured_/I know some people might think what I did was mean but...well, I really don't like people who hold guilt over your head and who hold onto grudges after you've apologized over and over and over and tried to patch things up many times, so Courtney had it coming /_Her face remains stern for a moment but is then assaulted by doubt_/...Right?

* * *

"This is a hail of crap!" Noah yelled in pained exasperation.

The bookworm and the techno geek had been running along the marked distance, trying to escape the bullies, who drew closer and closer with each step.

"We have to make it to the pool, Noah." Cody panted. "It's our only hope!"

"Why?"

"Everyone knows bullies can't swim!"

"I don't know that. Idiots know that...because it's freakin'...ridiculous!"

"It's not, trust me! We just have to get to the pool. It's only a couple hundred meters away!" Cody exclaimed.

"Oh God, just kill me now!" Noah yelled.

"I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I believe in him when it's convenient...like the Pope."

"Arggh! Clever political commentary!" Yelled Marcus, the grungier bully. "Me hate! Me smash!"

"Learn english, jerk! You're from Detroit!" Noah yelled at the bully.

"ME SMASH!"

"Goddamnit!"

The bullies got so close to them that both dorks could smell the atrocious stench of beer and sweat that radiated from the ape-like teenage bullies. Fearing that their most ridiculous nightmares about being beaten to death by gorilla-like bullies were about to come true, Cody and Noah put the metaphorical pedal to the metaphorical metal and stepped up their pace, making a final running effort to make it to the pool.

After diving in at relatively the same time, both boys had mere seconds to enjoy the cooling sensation of the water, since they realized that the bullies did not appear to be aware of their aquatic handicap, since they were racing towards the pool at full speed. Screaming in a ridiculous high pitch, both dorks swam for their lives as the bullies leaped into the pool like wild animals. They dodged the falling monsters by inches.

It was only once they were inside the pool that Marcus and Finn recalled their inability to swim, a realization brought on by the desperate wading they had to carry out to remain afloat and not drown. Well aware of the bully's natural inability to swim, Chris had taken measures to ensure neither of the bullies drowned (and therefore to ensure none of their parents sued him). A crane controlled by Chef Hatchet descended into the pool and the bullies clung to it as their saviour. Chef lifted them into the air and then lowered them onto solid ground, upon which both bullies began to worship the crane as a sort of religious idol.

Back in the pool, Cody and Noah continued swimming as part of the dorkathlon.

* * *

"So now, we have the two former champions faced in a battle to the death!" Chris exclaimed.

"To the death?!" Owen bellowed, terrified.

"It's a figure of speech." Chris replied.

Owen and Gwen stood facing each other, roughly a hundred meters apart. In the fifty meter mark was a hoop attached vertically to a pole. The hoop and the pole were both on fire. On the left side of either side of the hoop was a table with a small shot glass filled with water on it.

"Owen and Gwen, the former finalists of Total Drama Island will face each other again in an even more bizarre challenge than the one we put them through in TDI." Chris exclaimed.

"Why are you saying that like that?" Heather grumbled. "We already know that."

"Yeah, but the viewers don't. Reality show. _Remember_?" Chris replied sardonically.

"What's the challenge, Chris?" Gwen asked, annoyed.

"A simple game of shot put." Chris answered.

"So, we have to throw the big metal ball through the flaming hoop?" Owen asked.

"No." Chris answered. "You have to put yourselves through the hoop and then do the shot of water on the table. Then you have to complete two other stunts like that to win."

"I..."

"If you object, you'll have to do the challenge while wearing a lead wig." Chris added, quelling any complaints. "Ready? Set? Go!"

"OK Gwen, how do I do this?" Gwen asked herself, staring at the flaming hoop in deep thought.

"AAAARGH!" Owen bellowed as he ran fourth. "YOUR PUNISHMENT MUST BE MORE SEVERE!"

The obese teenage bolted at full speed towards the flaming hoop, arms waving and screaming a non-sequitur like a raving mad man. As soon as he got close enough, he leaped powerfully and somehow managed to barrel-roll through the ring, causing any flames that got close to him to not catch on due to the whirling motion he'd used. Landing on the other end safely, Owen immediately grabbed the shot glass and gulped down the water.

"First point goes to Team Incredime!" Chris proclaimed. "Now, let's move to where Chef set up the second of the three tests!"

The members of both teams, sans the dorks participating in the triathlon, began to follow Chris to the location of the next test.

"Why did you yell out, 'your punishment must be more severe'?" Alejandro asked Owen, a bit creeped out.

"Oh, while I was running towards the hoop I suddenly had a vision of this really muscular bald guy wearing a weird mask that had metal tubes sticking out of the mouth like they were weird fangs and the masked guy was telling some other dude in a murky underground cell that his punishment must be more severe after having broken his back." Owen explained. "What do you think that means?"

"I...don't...what's that over there?"

Alejandro pointed northward and as soon as Owen was distracted, he bolted ahead and hid behind Bridgette. Owen kept on searching for that thing Al had pointed out, since he was sure that if Al pointed it out, it must have been interesting.

"Al, what are you doing?" Bridgette asked, giggling lightly.

"Hiding from Owen." Her boyfriend replied.

"Why?"

"Well, he described a thing he thought up and it terrified me to my very soul." Alejandro said. "If he were a filmmaker and he thought up something like that for a movie, it would still be incredibly wrong and creepy, even if it were fiction."

"Don't be so harsh on Owen." Bridgette said. "Sure, he can be a bit odd some times but he's a really loveable guy and he's your friend."

"Bridgette, Owen isn't really my friend." Alejandro whispered.

"What?" The blonde asked, genuinely surprised.

"Well, I don't like him that much. He is very annoying some times...a lot of the time and I don't like how he spends so much time with Noah, whom I really don't like." Alejandro explained.

"Then why do you act so friendly around him?" Bridgette asked. "You can't do that to the guy. It'll crush him if he finds out. He really seems to like you."

"Well, I can't really afford to make enemies on my team. I buddy up to Owen because if I don't, I'm gone." Alejandro explained. "Some times you have to do unpleasant things to survive. Besides, it's not like I'm manipulating him or anything. I'm not that unscrupulous. I'm just playing his friendship into the right path without hurting him."

"I guess..."

"We're here!"

Stepping up his A-game, Chris didn't just place a flaming hoop that Owen and Gwen would have to jump through as the obstacle...he placed a _moving_ hoop that Owen and Gwen would have to jump through. The hoop was affixed to a moving rail on the ground, which displaced it horizontally back and forth through a range of approximately ten meters. Once more, there were tables on either left side of the hoop with shot glasses of water on them.

"Now, I know that this thing looks like it's just like the other obstacle except with a moving feature." Chris stated. "But it's not...this one also has arrow shooters."

The host produced a small remote control from his pocket and pressed one of the buttons on it. Upon doing so, three columns burst out of the ground on either side of the flaming hoop rail and arrows shot out of them. The arrows weren't aimed at anything in particular, but one of them managed to bounce off a large rock and hit Heather in the butt.

"Oh sh/_bleep_/t!" The mean girl yelled. "My butt still wasn't done healing after what happened in Buenos Aires! Goddamnit Chris!"

"Contestants get ready!" Chris exclaimed, ignoring Heather. "Go!"

Gwen once again observed the hoop with caution. The arrows were shot out and crisscrossed through her line of sight. They were fast. As soon as they fired there was no way to dodge them. She had to wait until they fired again and run straight through then, with perfect timing so that she wouldn't get caught in mid-run, since once those arrows blasted out of the columns, there appeared to be no way of dodging them.

Her suspicion was confirmed when Owen ran forward to the hoop, screaming a few seconds after the arrows fired.

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!" Owen yelled.

The arrows shot forward and dug themselves into Owen's pudgy sides. The fat boy howled in pain and fell to the ground.

"Mommy…" The fat boy groaned.

The goth gulped and stared at the injured frat boy.

"Owen, are you OK?" Gwen asked; her voice shaky.

"Can you bleed out from the side of your stomach?"

"You can bleed out from anywhere." Chris replied.

"Then I'm not OK."

The goth gulped again.

"He got lucky Gwen." Heather called out. "He has fat to protect him. The only fat on your body is in your fat ass, fatass!"

"Heather, she's on our team." Courtney groaned.

"She kissed your boyfriend." Heather replied

"She's right about your fat ass, fatass!" Courtney yelled.

Gwen's brow furrowed and her mouth cringed before opening to deliver an insult retorting to Courtney's abuse, but she was stopped by the sound of arrows shooting, reasoning that insulting the brunette was not worth a perfect opening to win the section of the challenge. Not taking a starting breath, Gwen sprinted madly through the stretch to the hoop, taking a powerful leap as she got close to the ring of fire. As she went through the hoop, the heard the arrows firing and she finally exhaled the trapped breath she'd been holding since she made her first leap forward on the sprint.

The goth landed face first on the ground on the other side of the hoop. After groaning for a second to let the annoyance from the injury out, the goth got on her feet and moved to the table, lifting the shot glass and gulping down the water. She raised her arms and cheered.

"Yes! And I didn't get injured!"

"Your skirt is on fire." Chris pointed out.

"Huh?"

The goth looked down to see that her skirt was, indeed, on fire.

"Oh crap!"

The goth jumped on the ground and began to roll around, attempting to sort out the blaze that was steadily creeping up her skirt. Courtney and Heather also began to roll around but laughing rather than due to any sort of imminent threat of burning death. Bridgette and Duncan tried to help out Gwen by throwing dust on her skirt and stepping on her, respectively.

"You're not helping!" The goth yelled at the surfer and the punk, who were only succeeding in making her dirty and injuring her hip.

With enough rolling, the fire was put out, though Heather and Courtney's laughter did not desist so fast.

"When are you gonna stop laughing?" Gwen growled.

"When it…when it stops being…funny!" Heather cackled.

The screen flashes and the scene transitions to the location of the next shot up challenge. Heather and Courtney are still laughing.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Courtney – **/_Giggling_/ It know it might seem kinda crazy to laugh for fifteen minutes straight but…/_Begins laughing more openly_/ It was _really_ funny.

**Owen** – It was.

**Courtney** – /_Annoyed_/ Owen, it is very rude to listen in on other people's confessionals.

**Owen** – I know, but I'm kinda peeing myself.

**Courtney** – /_Sighing_/ Fine, I'll be out in a minute.

**Owen** – Thanks.

**Courtney** – /_Sighing again_/ Boys…they can be such slobs.

**Owen** – Thanks.

**Courtney** – It was not a compliment Owen.

**Owen** – Oh…Thanks anyway.

* * *

Owen and Gwen stared in amazement and shock at the challenge that lay ahead of them. The flaming hoop lay at the end of a runway. Next to it was the table with the shot. There were no traps on the runway. No flaming pits, no arrows, no rabid ferrets. Only a runway. The problem was that the runway was on top of a hill which could only be climbed through two twin sets of stairs that had flaming pits, arrows and rabid ferrets on them.

"So kids, when you're ready." Chris said.

"OK, just gimme a minute to…"

"NOW!" The host yelled.

The fatso and the goth began charging up the stairs.

"Oh God, Owen almost fell into that flaming pit!" Bridgette yelled.

"And Gwen just got nailed in the butt with an arrow. Yes!" Courtney exclaimed, joyful.

"There go the rabbit ferrets after both of them." Alejandro said, smiling.

"You shouldn't smile at that!" Bridgette scolded him.

"Well, it is funny."

"They're our friends."

"I guess but it's still funny."

The blonde groaned.

"Ouch! That's gotta hurt the fat guy!" Duncan said. "That ferret rode right on the flaming arrow and bit his ear! Pretty impressive visual."

"Yeah. If somebody were to not be able to see this because they're reading it from some kind of novelization instead of watching it on TV, they'd be missing a lot." Chris said.

* * *

"That pool was really, _really_ big." Cody groaned as he and Noah got out of the Olympic pool, both panting in exhaustion.

"No it wasn't, you fools just took twenty minutes to get across it!" Chef yelled. "Now get on these bikes and pedal up that hill!"

The host pointed the two dorks to two small bicycles, one blue and one pink.

"Who gets the pink one?" Noah asked.

"I'll settle that." Chef said. "Has either o' you ever kissed a girl?"

"I have." Noah said.

The bookworm and the murderous ex-military/cook looked at Cody, who remained shyly quiet. He looked at them in embarrassment, blushed and then sighed.

"I get the pink one, don't I?"

"Yeah you do, Nancy boy." Chef said. "Get on!"

The geek sighed and climbed on the pink bicycle.

"Is there some kind of starting signal for this part of the race?" Cody asked.

"Yeah, that one." Chef said, pointing ahead of Cody.

The short boy looked over to see that Chef was pointing at Noah, who had already taken off and had gained a considerable lead.

"Oh crap!" The geek exclaimed before beginning to pedal.

Cody managed to gain some distance on Noah, but the bookworm was still ahead by almost twenty meters and the distance only increased when they reached the inclined plane of the hill. Soon, the brown-haired boy was wheezing, gagging and struggling to keep up.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah **– I learnt how to ride a bike really fast over the summer, since Izzy would chase me around town in her car and all I had was my sister's bike. It was the most humiliating experience of my life.

**Cody** – /_Tired and panting_/ Just thinking about that hill…makes me tired again…

* * *

Cody managed to nearly catch up to Noah as the hill almost reached its peak (where it had a mind boggling 85° incline), but the extreme pedaling he had to put himself through wore him out and by the time they'd reached the top, his feet had given out and he collapsed off his bicycle.

"My legs are pain." Cody grumbled.

* * *

Owen landed face first on the ground, having managed to avoid catching fire, and then proceeded to lumber back up on his feet and take the shot of water.

"Owen wins the challenge!" Chris proclaimed.

"What?" Gwen exclaimed.

The goth, who'd been hanging onto a horizontal flagpole to avoid being eaten by the rabid ferrets on the stairs below her, accidentally let go in surprise and bounced off one of the ferrets, after which she rolled down the entire 200 step staircase.

"Jesus!" Duncan exclaimed, running over to the goth.

Courtney had been laughing audibly as she watched Gwen roll down the stairs, but as she saw Duncan run to Gwen's side, comfort her and then give her a lick peck on the lips, she found herself stopping. It just wasn't quite as funny anymore.

"I did it, I won!" Owen exclaimed. "I'm the king of the…"

The fat boy had been clever enough to drop the shot glass and afterwards, he was even cleverer to step on it and roll down the flight of stairs, which was at 300 steps where he was.

"My…everything is pain." Owen groaned.

"Owen!" Bridgette exclaimed in shock.

The blonde ran to the fat guy's side.

"Are you OK?" The blonde asked.

"Yeah, he'll be OK." Noah said, stopping his bike next to the fallen fat guy. "He's taken worse blows the five times he fell off the diving board in his pool."

"Noah?" Bridgette asked.

"Oh yeah, I finished the dorkathlon."

"And Cody?" Courtney asked.

"Am I the geekwad's keeper?" Noah asked sarcastically.

The bookworm chuckled lightly until Heather and Courtney gave him deathly glares, upon which he spoke again.

"OK, he was trailing somewhere behind me. Point is, he lost." Noah replied.

"Then that means that Team Me Be Greatness has won three out of four challenges!" Chris exclaimed, popping up from behind Heather and Courtney and wrapping his arms around their shoulders. "So Team Amazon is hitting the chopping block for the first time since Scotland!"

"Great!" Courtney exclaimed. "Now the gothy little whore is gonna get it!"

"That's the spirit!" Chris exclaimed.

"Get your arm off me, Chris." Heather said, jerking away from the host.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, most of the cast was gathered around the Jumbo Jet, unable to enter because Chef had the keys inside. The Chef and host were trying to pick the lock while the cast sat around. Heather and Courtney were sitting on ruined pillars right next to each other, their legs held against their bodies. Alejandro and Bridgette were lying down on the ground, with the surfer girl sleeping on top of her boyfriend's chest. Owen and Noah were endlessly playing rock-paper-scissors.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Chris asked the cook, who trying to pick the lock with a coat hanger. "For all you know, you might be locking it more."

"Doors locked, Chris. Can't lock it anymore. If I ain't openin' it, I ain't doin' it any harm." Chef growled.

"Huh…fine…"

"That's it! I'm going for a walk!" Heather exclaimed, frustrated. "Call me when we can get on the damn plane!"

The raven-haired girl stood up and stormed off. Alejandro noticed this. Bridgette had fallen asleep on his chest, so he subtly plucked her arm off from around his waist and slowly lowered her head onto the ground before getting up and following the mean girl.

A few seconds later Cody arrived, still pedaling on the pink bicycle. A soon as he was next to the plane, he stopped and fell off the bike.

"I made it." The geek groaned.

"Good for you." Courtney grumbled.

"Where's Gwen, I think I grew some muscle with all this exercise." Cody said. "I want her opinion."

"She's over there."

The brunette pointed over to what she'd been staring at and brooding over for the past twenty minutes. Far off but still within visible distance, were Gwen and Duncan making out against a pillar. Cody's jaw hung lower than a baboon's butt.

"Wh…ho…whe…wuh?"

"Gwen and I had a fight so she's trying to piss me off by making out with Duncan…and it's working!" Courtney yelled.

The brunette picked up a rock and threw it across the air, though she didn't see where it landed.

"So…so…all the stuff I did to impress her…I…"

"Let go of it Cody, you never had a chance." Courtney said, getting up and walking away. "She's too much of a bi/_bleep_/h."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody** – /_Sighing in disappointment_/ I think Courtney might be right. I've spent the last two years trying to impress Gwen and she's never even given me a chance. I guess…I guess maybe it's time to let go.

* * *

"So how's your end holding up?" Alejandro asked.

The two young devils were standing behind a set of ruined pillars. The Spaniard had followed the Asian girl to more thoroughly discuss their plans.

"Have you seen Gwen and Courtney tearing each other apart? I thought inciting Courtney to be meaner to Gwen would be a bit harder but…now that I said that aloud, it makes no sense." Heather said. "I'm surprised I even had to talk to her. You'd think she would have tried to slit Gwen's throat as soon as she found out."

"I myself have been working rather well. I've been turning as many people as I can against Noah, who is currently the biggest threat to my…"

"Our."

"My victory." Alejandro finished. "We both know only one of us will win the final challenge."

"No doubt." Heather scoffed. "Until then, we have to put up with each other."

"Don't be so cold hearted, Heather." Alejandro said. "You could cut the sexual tension between us with a knife."

The mean girl groaned and grabbed Alejandro by the shirt collar, pulling his head close to hers and glaring at him menacingly.

"Listen to me. I am sick and tired of people saying that." Heather growled. "There is no sexual tension between us!"

Alejandro, who was a bit surprised at first, smiled as he realized the position they were in. As soon as Heather noticed how close their faces and bodies were, he shoved him off and blushed.

"Anyway, you're with Bridgette…" Heather said.

"Heather, we both know that's part of the plan…" Alejandro said, getting closer to Heather again. "Bridgette's nice and all and she certainly is a very pretty girl…but she doesn't interest me. Kittens are cute and all but I've always preferred wildcats…"

The Spaniard placed his hands on Heather's shoulders and spun her round so that their faces were very close together. He smiled seductively and Heather returned the gesture before kissing him deeply.

"You might be good looking, Al, but your flirting is awful." She said. "Wildcat? Really?"

"You kissed me, didn't you?"

"This works better when you're not talking." She said before kissing him again.

* * *

Courtney and Cody groaned as they thought about Gwen and Duncan make out. Bridgette and Noah groaned as they thought Heather and Alejandro talking menacingly. Owen groaned as he saw how upset his Little Buddy was. The whole cast groaned as the infamous bell-chime went off through the speakers.

"Since we're gonna be stuck out here for a while, how about a musical number?" Chris said. "This feels like a good moment for a '_One Day More_' type of song, so I want you guys to make an epic new song out of one original segment of music and then out of several other songs from previous parts of the season, culminating in one big counterpoint number and an epic choral outro. I want Cody, Courtney, Bridgette, Noah, Owen, Heather and Alejandro starting with Cody up on that hill…NOW!"

"Please don't…"

However, it was too late, since the cameras were already pointed at him and the music was already playing.

"Crap."

Slow, inspirational music began to play as Cody sighed and plopped down to the floor. He tried to sing out the first note but was off key, so they had to start again. The second time around he did better.

"_**I worked so hard  
And struggled for too long  
Trying to win her heart  
Trying to make her love for me strong  
But by the end  
The battle was lost for me  
I was just her friend  
And that's all I will ever get to beeeee.**_"

The tone of the song shifted to a faster and booming one, gaining momentum.

"_**But I won't sit and cry  
I won't let myself be shaken  
If you think I'll sit down and die  
Well I'm sorry but you're mistakeeee-eeen!**_"

Suddenly, electric guitars played stridently as the heroic fanfare that had been building up was accompanied by a rock ensemble as the chorus of the song began. The geek stood up, driven by the music.

"_**I'll - be - the heeeero  
The man who does it all to win  
Vic-to-ry's drawing nearer  
I'm closer than I've ever beeeeeeen  
And I'll take the price tonight  
I'll finally take flight  
This is the final fiiiiiiiight!  
As I be-come the herooooooooooooo…  
For once!**_"

The melody shifted again as the song entered the second verse section, but the tempo and style remained the same rock/fanfare combo of the hero song. Cody strutted forward around the hill, moving his fists around in aggressive exaltation.

"_**I was the good guy  
But that didn't work  
I idly stood by  
And she chose that jerk  
It's time to man up  
And face up to that twerp  
I'm gonna stand up  
I'll be freaking Captain Kiiiiiiirk!**_"

The chorus came back in and the geek was completely pumped, standing at the edge of the cliff and singing out to the horizon like in the corniest of Disney movies.

"_**I'll – be – the heeeero  
I'll go where no man has gone  
It – all becomes clearer  
When I speak all will be said and done  
And I'm gonna go real far  
I can win any spar  
I can blow up the freakin' Death Staaaaaaaar!  
As I be-come the herooooooooooooo…  
For once!**_"

The cameras turned away from Cody and instead turned their attention to Courtney, who was leaning against a pillar, staring at Gwen and Duncan walk hand in hand. The music from her soliloquy song from episode "_**Brazil Nuts**_" played as she sang once again.

"_**I love him, but he makes meeeeee hate him.  
I wanna hold him…in my arms agaaaaaaaaaain!  
But I fear, that when I hold him  
I won't control me  
And theeeeeeeeeeeen...I will strangle him...  
I will strangle him...**_

_**Oh Duncan, how can it beeeeeeee?**_  
_**I would never turn on you**_  
_**Like you turned on meeeeeeeeeee!**_  
_**Cause even though I want to kick your ass**_  
_**And tear out your heart**_  
_**And rip you apart**_  
_**I stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiill...**_  
_**Wanna kiss your lips.**_  
_**Wanna kiss your lips.**_"

Elsewhere, Alejandro and Heather were discussing their evil plots and from afar, Bridgette could see them. She wasn't sure what they were talking about, but she could see it in their faces that it wasn't something good. The music from her song from episode "_**Jamaican Heat**_" played, albeit at a faster tempo, and she sang lightly, almost melancholically, with doubt in her voice.

"_**But then suddenly it happened  
My world began to change  
My love was in the darkness  
And the light was brought again  
By another faaaaaace!  
Oh, I don't know how it happened  
I knew he was the man for whom I was born  
But now I suddenly doubt  
All I know now is that I am torn.**_"

Others were observing Heather Alejandro, but not with the doubt espoused by Bridgette, rather with the certainty that they were planning something malicious. Near the Jumbo Jet, Noah observed the two evil minds and the dark music from his song in "_**I See London**_" began playing, though at a faster rhythm.

"_**You've got to hold your head above the water.  
You've got to drown while you look for air.  
You've got to reach out and hold your hand open  
Reaching out for the hand that isn't theeeeeeeeeeere.  
You've got to be craaaaazy…**_"

Owen, standing next to Noah took his friend by the hands and began to dance around with him while his singing part played.

"_**Oh, Little Buddy  
Don't'cha worry none!  
If you need some help,  
Call me, I'm the one!  
I will do anything that I can for you  
**_'_**Cause I love ya Little Buddy  
And I'm sure ya love me too.**_"

Near the ruined pillars; having moved out of the sight of Bridgette, Noah and Owen, Heather and Alejandro tangoed, performing a faster paced reprise of their tango song from "_**Mi Buenos Aires Querido**_".

"_**En un mundo colorido con sangre de santo/In a world brightly colored with the blood of a saint  
Ya no hay muerto malherido que causo espanto./There isn't much anymore that can make a person faint.  
Ya no hay traición que hiera o hiele la sangre./There's nothing to wound or boil the blood anymore.  
Ya no hay verdad absoluta, no es como era antes./There's no absolute reality, not like it was before.  
Sellá la santa memoria y cubrí la herida con sal/Salt the wound and make the holy memory feeble  
Olvidate de los santos/Forget about the saints  
Bailando el tango del mal.**_**/**_**While dancing the tango of evil.**_"

The music shifted and mixed as the different contestants began to sing their parts in counterpoint, the lyrics and music clashing with each other in a perfect synch and coordination that requires an inhumane amount of suspension of disbelief to be believed by the readers, since the whole song is supposed to be improvised.

"_**Evil arises  
Takes over the world**_"

"_**You've got to hold your eyes open  
Watch chaos unfurled**_"

"_**How could you do this to meeeeeeee?**_"

"_**No care for no one  
No mercy for all.**_"

"_**How could you do this to meeeeeeee?**_"

"_**You've got to be crazy…**_"

"_**Little Buddyyyyyyyy…**_"

"_**All I know is that I'm torn.**_"

"_**I won't get her  
I know her  
I'll beat him  
Like the Bat beat  
The Joker.**_"

"_**Little Buuuuuuudyyyyyyyy…**_"

"_**The tango of evil…**_"

"_**I love him…**_"

"…_**But he makes me hate him.**_"

"_**I'll blow up the Death Star.**_"

"_**You've got to be craaaaazy…**_"

The counterpoint ended and Cody took over as he delivered another verse that preceded a choral part.

"_**Tonight I'm changing up the game  
I don't care if she knows my name  
I'm doing this for me alone  
I'll cross every bridge, lift every stone  
I'll be the hero no one can tame…**_"

The chorus came up, with all the performers singing in a crescendo.

"_**I'll take the glory and the fame  
I'm doing it to win the game  
Soon everyone will know my naaaaaame!  
Because tonight…  
I'll be the wineeeeeeeeeer…  
For ooooooooooooooooooooonce!**_"

As the music ended, faint clapping could be heard.

"Pretty good, guys." Chris said over a megaphone. "Very synched. Owen, Cody and Bridgette were a bit off key on some parts but it still paid off with good emotional delivery. I'd even dare to say you guys could easily do moderately well in an Off-Broadway show. Good job."

Chef struggled for a few seconds with the coat-hanger and suddenly, the door popped open.

"Guys, good news." Chris announced. "Chef just opened the plane door. Everyone come down here. We take off in twenty minutes and whoever's not onboard gets left behind in this crappy, massively indebted country."

* * *

"We have to put a part of that musical number on the promo for this episode." Hellburn stated.

The producers were still on their observation hill temple, watching as the contestants finished their musical number and headed for the plane.

"I always wanted to be a Broadway singer when I was a kid." Alberti stated, absent-mindedly.

"What stopped you?"

"Broadway didn't exactly look up to hispanic actors back in my day." Alberti replied.

"Oh...that's sad."

"Also I can't sing."

"That makes more sense."

Hellburn suddenly yelped in pain as a rock struck the back of his head.

"Ouch! What the..."

The producer picked up the rock and looked at it.

"Where the hell did this thing come from?"

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather – **Things couldn't be better. Because of Gwen and Courtney's little blood feud, I'm as safe as I've ever been. All I have to do is choose a side wisely and watch one of the biggest threats to my victory slip away effortlessly /_Sighs in relaxation_/ Evil has never been so easy…

**Gwen** – I knew Heather was going to vote with Courtney because she hated my guts…so I had to turn to the one place I could turn to save my butt…even if I'm going to burn in hell for it.

* * *

"Psst! Cody!" Gwen called out.

The geek was going through the plane's passages to get to the elimination deck, where the voting would take place in a few minutes, when he heard the goth girl call from one of the empty shower rooms.

"Gwen?" He asked, stepping inside.

"Cody, the elimination is in ten minutes." The goth whispered to the geek. "I need you to do me a favor."

"Look Gwen, I've been thinking…"

"Cody, please, let me talk." The goth interrupted. "This is serious…"

"But…"

The goth put her finger to the geek's lip and got closer to him, pressing her hands against his chest. The geek gulped.

"Please Cody…" Gwen said, tenderly. "You don't want me to get eliminated, do you? I need your help. You have to vote off Courtney, please."

The geek looked deeply at the goth girl, knowing well that she had no interest in him and that she was with Duncan, and then nodded.

"Fine." He sighed.

"Thanks Cody." Gwen said.

The goth kissed his cheek and then scuttled off in a hurry, while he blushed and groaned in shame.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody** – /_Ashamed_/ I'm so weak…

* * *

"Bridgette!" The brunette exclaimed as she ran up to the blonde.

Bridgette turned around and yelped as Courtney accidentally bumped into her, not thinking the surfer would stop so suddenly.

"Sorry."

"It's alright."

"Listen, I'm going to cut to the chase." Courtney said, sounding serious. "I need you…to vote off Gwen."

Bridgette sighed.

"Court…"

"Bridgette, we're best friends. We've been best friends since TDI…"

"Gwen's my friend too and I've been trying not to take sides in this fight because you're both my friends, I can't just choose…"

"You _have_ to make a choice, Bridgette." Courtney stated. "That whore tricked me into being her friend, stole my boyfriend and then flaunted it about right in front of my face this afternoon. She _has_ to go for what she did to me!"

"Courtney, it's not that easy…"

"Listen Bridgette, you're my friend and you're not going to stop being my friend even if you didn't vote for Gwen…" Courtney began. "But you truly treasure my friendship, you're going to vote off the slut who put me through the worst pain of my life. OK?"

"Uggh…I'll think about it…"

"You do that." Courtney said. "Thank you."

The brunette strutted onwards, entering the elimination deck. The blonde reclined against a wall and scowled as she weighed out her options. Matters became more complicated as Gwen appeared before her.

"I already know what you're going to say…"

"Then that makes this easier." Gwen said. "Courtney told you to vote me off, didn't she?"

"She did."

"Will you?"

"I don't know."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you think you should?"

"I don't know. I don't want to."

"Then can you do me a favor?"

"I don't know."

"Bridgette, when you were having trouble with Geoff, I helped you out. I listened to you. I supported you. Courtney only told you what she thought you should do like it was an order." Gwen said. "She did that to Duncan too, which is why he left her and chose me. It's not my fault. I tried to end it and apologize to her but she wouldn't listen. I'm not going to lose a million dollars because she's stubborn."

"Gwen, we both know that's not true." Bridgette said. "Courtney might be stubborn but she isn't bad. You know that, which is why you two got along so well before Duncan came along. You can't tell me you wouldn't want to be friends with Courtney again."

"Well…I wanted to, but she's been so cruel about everything." Gwen moaned. "She's back to the way she was in TDA. I think this might be the real her…"

"It's not Gwen. Courtney's really good. She's just angry and reasonably so…"

"Maybe…but there's no time to sort it out. The elimination is in ten minutes and Bridgette…I don't want to lose the million again. It's my best chance at putting myself through college. It'll make my life a lot easier and I won't throw it away because of Courtney. Help me out, Bridgette. Please."

"I'll think about it." Bridgette hesitated.

"Thank you."

Gwen hugged Bridgette and entered the elimination deck. The blonde leaned against the wall once more and swore loudly.

* * *

**(Bathroom voting confessionals)**

**Gwen** – /_Slams the stamp on a passport_/ Need I say who it is?

**Courtney** – /_Slams the stamp on a passport repeatedly, with rage_/ See you in fu/_bleep_/ing hell, gothy!

**Heather** – /_Stamps a passport_/ Evil triumphs.

**Cody** – /_Sighs in disappointment and quietly stamps a passport_/

**Bridgette** – /_Looks over the passports in hesitation, undecided. Finally chooses one and stamps in, though she remains anxious_/

* * *

"Big moment has arrived!" Chris exclaimed. "Team Amazon hits the chopping block to solve the internal issue that's been eating away at them since the last challenge. It's only been three days but it feels like three months, doesn't it?"

"Cut to the chase, Chris!" Courtney yelled.

"What? That's the last thing I plan on doing! In fact, we'll probably cram a commercial right in the middle of this bit during the editing process!" Chris exclaimed.

Chris yelped and ducked as he dodged the torn chunk of the bleachers that Courtney had thrown at him.

"OK…maybe I'll speed it up a little." Chris said. "Now, since we both know the two possible options that _everyone_ voted for…"

Courtney and Gwen glared at each other.

"I'm going to tally things a bit differently." Chris began. "Chef gave me the stamped passports and I haven't looked at them yet…so I'm going to count the votes off one by one just to build the tension."

The host pulled out a stack of passports and placed them on his podium. He picked up the first one and opened it.

"One vote for Gwen…"

"Yes!" Courtney exclaimed.

"One vote for Courtney…"

"Ha!" Gwen chuckled.

"Another vote for Gwen…"

"Ha ha!" Courtney retorted.

"Another vote for Courtney…"

"Ha ha ha!" Gwen replied.

"Stop that!" Heather yelled.

"And…the last vote…goes for…"

The members of Team Amazon leaned forward in anticipation while Chris took his time picking up the final passport…

"The last vote goes for…"

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

"…Bridgette?"

The host, the brunette, the goth, the mean girl and the geek looked over at the surfer in curiosity, who simply shrugged her shoulders and blushed.

"I couldn't choose…" She confessed.

"Well, that's just great, Bridgette!" Courtney exclaimed.

"So, do they both get eliminated?" Heather asked, hopeful.

"No, no." Chris said, gleeful. "Only one of them gets cast out, so we have to go to a tie breaker. I have to thank you, Bridgette…you just gave me the chance to try out something I've wanted to do since the start of the season."

The host turned to the two tiebreaker girls.

"Girls, go get into your swimsuits and meet me us in the mess hall for the tiebreaker challenge." Chris said.

"Why our swimsuits?" Gwen asked, suspicious.

"Just do it."

The two girls complied and left while Chris did the same.

"Where are _you_ going?"

"I'm gonna go tell the guys from Team Me." Chris said. "They won't want to miss this."

The host left.

"I wonder what he's planning." Bridgette muttered.

* * *

"MUD WRESTLING?!" Courtney exclaimed in anger. "In swimsuits?! Are you fu/_bleep_/ed up in the head?!"

Courtney and Gwen stood in their swimsuits, in front of a medium sized open crate quarter-filled with mud. The rest of the cast was also there and the boys were more than happy about it.

"I said that a tiebreaker would require partial nudity." Chris defended himself. "Besides, I think nobody else is objecting. Are you objecting, guys?"

"Oh no, no." All the men plus Heather (who wanted to see Gwen and Courtney humiliated) replied.

"Chauvinist male pigs." Courtney and Gwen muttered in unison.

"Now get in the ring and fight or you automatically get the boot." Chris said.

The girls growled at him and then reluctantly stepped into the muddy ring. They stood on opposite corners from each other and the mud reached their ankles.

"When I blow this whistle, you two girls start beating each other like the dirty, dirty girls you are." Chris said.

"Hey!"

"What? You're up to your ankles in mud. You are dirty. Now…"

The host blew his whistle and Courtney and Gwen began staring each other down. The two girls began to circle each other, trudging through the muddy ring. The tension was highlighted by the silence in the spectators. Finally, it was Gwen who lunged first but it was not her who drew first blood, since Courtney manged to grab hold of both her arms by the wrists and the used her foot to swipe at Gwen's left foot from behind, causing her to fall backwards with Courtney still holding onto her.

Courtney landed on top of Gwen and pinned down her arms but found it hard to pin her legs. Surrounding them, the audience cheered for their favorite or gave out calls of "hit her", "pin her" and the occasional "kiss her" from Owen.

Gwen managed to lift her right foot and shoved it into Courtney's belly, knocking her off her and backwards into the mud. The brunette began to get up but the goth was faster and managed to tackle her down again. Her triumph was momentary, since Courtney rolled over and managed to get on top of Gwen. Courtney's triumph was also momentary, since Gwen repeated her previous move and shoved Courtney off her with her right foot.

By now both girls' backs and limbs were covered in mud, though Gwen would be the first to be completely immersed. Both girls got up at relatively the same speed and once more Gwen was the first to charge. This time around, Courtney moved slightly and tripped her rival with her foot. To avoid being smacked in the belly with Gwen's foot once more, Courtney sat on the fallen Gwen's legs and tried to hold down her arms to pin her. She held down er right arm but as soon as she caught the left, the goth wriggled the right free and when Courtney caught the right, she wriggled the left free. The brunette changed tactic and simply pushed the face down goth's head downwards, shoving her face into the mud and holding her down.

"How do you like that, you gothic slut?!" Courtney yelled, receiving cheers from the crowd of frenzied boys.

Running out of air, Gwen quickly used her free arm to grab the hand which Courtney used to hold down her right arm. Since the brunette had expected Gwen to go for the hand which was holding her head, she was unprepared for the goth's swift pulling motion which unbalanced Courtney and made her fall to the side onto the mud. Moving quickly, she climbed on top of Courtney but the brunette played Gwen's previous move on her and shoved her off by kicking her in the belly.

As Gwen fell flat on her back, she was shocked to see Courtney's butt coming straight at her. The brunette slammed her ass down on Gwen's head and grabbed hold of her arms before locking them in place between her legs. Using her feet, she held down Gwen's legs.

"Like this Gwen? I used to use it on Duncan. Maybe you can try it later you boyfriend-stealing bi/_bleep_/ch!" Courtney yelled.

"Did she really use that on you?" Alejandro asked Duncan.

"I don't like to talk about it." Duncan answered.

The prep grinned as the goth was unable to get out from under her. Chris was already counting down by number four when Gwen suddenly managed to get her arms out of Courtney's vice-like leg grip and then punched the brunette in the face with both fists, knocking her off her quite roughly. Both girls took a few seconds to recover. Courtney from the dual punches to the face and Gwen from the butt-smothering.

Both of them got up and rammed forward, grabbing each other's hands and struggling to push the other forward. For about a minute they struggled and it appeared it could have continued for even longer if Duncan hadn't thrown forth a crucial piece of advice.

"Punch her in the boob!" He yelled. "They're _really_ sensitive!"

"I don't wanna know how you know that!"

"Just do it!"

Taking the advice, Gwen snapped her right hand away from Courtney's and quickly punched the brunette in the breast. The CIT howled in pain as her body went limp and she fell to her side, clutching her breast, as if trying to physically crush the pain stinging her bosom. Gwen took this opportunity to jump on top of Courtney and push her face into the mud, pinning her down easily.

Chris had counted down to five when Courtney suddenly roared viciously and then pressed upwards with her knees, managing to lift her whole upper body with just her knees with Gwen on top of her. The goth lost her balance as Courtney got up and she fell on her back. The brunette was furious. She howled in rage and pounced on top of Gwen, slamming her head down against the ground so hard that it bypassed the mud and Gwen felt the metal floor of the plane banging against her skull.

In her weakened state, Gwen could do nothing as Courtney sat on her face again and clamped down even tighter on her arms with her legs, this time also grabbing her hands with her own and bending them backwards, inflicting massive pain on the goth. The brunette completed the pinning by tangling her legs around Gwen's and holding them in place. The goth struggled to get free, since she was beginning to run out of air.

Chris began the countdown and Gwen felt every atrocious second in which she was deprived of air by Courtney's rear until she eventually gave up and allowed herself to be counted down, since she knew it would be the fastest way to achieve functional lung capacity again. Indeed, Chris reached ten and Courtney leaped up in victory, having won Gwen's elimination at long freaking last.

* * *

Five minutes later, the entire cast was gathered at the elimination deck to watch Gwen's departure. For the sake of further humiliation, Chris didn't even let her shower or change back into a clean outfit. Given her parachute, Gwen walked to the open elimination door and prepared to jump but stopped momentarily and turned around. The cast looked at her with a mixed emotions. Some were sad, some were happy and some were enraged. What startled her the most was that Courtney was all three and that was enough for her.

"Courtney please..." Gwen said.

"Huh?"

"I can't leave like this." The goth said. "During the first half of the season before Duncan showed up, we got along so well. I'd never had so much fun with a single person before. I know you have a hard time letting go of your pride and forgiving those who hurt you but please..."

The goth stepped closer and Courtney looked away from her with a pained expression.

"I hurt you. What I did with Duncan was wrong. What I did today was wrong but I don't want to keep on doing things wrong. I don't want Duncan anymore. I might have some feelings for him but I don't want him. I want us to be friends again. So please..."

The brunette's lip trembled and her eyes got slightly wet but her head remained turned to the side, not looking at Gwen. As the goth became downcast and prepared to turn and leave, she was suddenly crushed by the prep's arms, which wrapped around her in a powerful hug, which the goth eventually returned.

"I'm sorry." Courtney whispered.

"Don't be."

The girls hugged it about and the contestants awed and cheered at the fluffy sight. That is, until Owen decided to cut it.

"Come on, kiss her!"

Courtney and Gwen stared at the fat boy and the goth scoffed. She turned to look at Courtney and the brunette closed her eyes and began to lean in, until Gwen gave her a little shake to stop her.

"Courtney..." Gwen muttered scoldingly.

"Sorry."

"How nice." Chris said, tearing up. "Now you can celebrate your reunion by being torn from each other! Gwen, jump out of the plane, you're eliminated."

"Fine." The goth growled at Chris. "See you guys. Bye!"

Gwen's friends waved her goodbye as she jumped out of the plane and out of the game.

"Thanks a lot, Courtney." Duncan growled at the brunette.

"Duncan, in case that your thick skull has somehow gotten thick enough to not let sounds get into it, Gwen doesn't want you anymore." Courtney yelled. "Neither do I. No girl does because you are the biggest ass on this planet!"

"Whatever." Duncan scoffed. "I am still taking you down and taking the million home."

The brunette flipped off the punk (middle-finger censored off course) and stormed off, followed by Bridgette. The punk stormed off in the opposite direction, followed by Alejandro. The rest of the cast went about their own way, being bored and all.

"Well, this has definitely been on of the most dramatic and tender episodes of this show yet!" Chris exclaimed. "I can already feel the ratings and DVD sales rising! I can't even begin to start thinking about the Blu-Ray and merchandising profit! Oh God, it'll be huge! Anyways, will Courtney be able to make-up with Duncan like she did with Gwen? Will Heather and Alejandro's little "_liaison dangereuse_" last? Will Bridgette ever find out? Will Cody ever reach the level of manhood and bravery that he so earnestly strives for? Will any more character arcs come up in this fanfic? Find out next time on Total...Drama..._Woooooorld Touuuuuuur_!"

* * *

**Votes:**

Gwen – Courtney

Courtney – Gwen

Cody – Courtney

Heather – Gwen

Bridgette – Bridgette

...

Gwen – 2  
Courtney – 2  
Bridgette – 1

* * *

**Please review. Sorry for the nearly three month delay.**

**Gracias Totales,  
Mr. Panama Red.**


	14. Deutschland Ünter Alles

**Sorry for the really long delay. Here goes the chapter...**

**Read and review.**

* * *

**Chapter 14:**** Deutschland Ünter Alles**

Last time on Total Drama World Tour...the contestants faced challenges of olympic proportions as we had our own Total Dramalympics in the hills outside of Athens, Greece. Competing in four different wacky/humiliating events, the kids showed us their true grit and guts...or in Alejandro and Heather's case, what had come out of their guts, as they competed in a hurling hurdles race.

Courtney and Duncan resolved some lingering tensions by violently throwing hammers at each other in the hammer toss, while Cody and Noah sorted out who was the best dork in a triathlon and Owen and Gwen had a rematch from season one by jumping through flaming hoops and doing water shots. The matches were rough and the injuries were even rougher but Team Me Me Me Me wound up taking it home.

Betrayal was afoot, when Gwen began to mack it up with Duncan to scorn the CIT after she'd refused to take apologies and when Heather and Alejandro resolved their sexual tension with some evilicious smooching. Hope Bridgette doesn't find out...psyche!

After a tied vote caused by an indecisive Bridgette, Courtney and Gwen got down and dirty in their undies to see who was going home and I gotta say...best challenge ever! Yeah, the naughty girls fought in the mud, heaving their feminine bodies onto each other, touching one another, rolling around pulling each other's hair, _getting all dirt-messy with mud all over their bodies, forcing their clothes to cling to their skin ever-so-tightly, revealing their slim feminine figures for all of us to see! Biting and clawing at each other! Giving into their animal instincts! Clawing at one another like cats! HISSING AND SCREAMING UNTIL ONE OF THEM COMES OUT VICTORIOUS! OH YEAH! YEAH...Huh._ Got a little carried away there...yeah. Ultimately, Gwen got her butt kicked and Courtney sent her packing but not before a heartfelt and tear-filled apology that reunited both friends and ended their feud.

Will Courtney resolve her feud with Duncan like she did with Gwen? Will Noah ever settle his feud with Alejandro? Will Alejandro have a feud with Bridgette if she finds out about him and Heather? Will Cody ever man up like he promised to do like three episodes ago? All these feuds and more in today's Total...Drama..._Woooooorld Touuuuuuur_!

* * *

In the first class cabin, Team Chris had found paradise after several days on the loser's side of the equation. However, after two continuous days on the first class, Noah and Owen had gotten irrevocably bored.

"...And...GO!" Owen exclaimed, pressing the button on the timer.

"MacDonald, McKenzie, MacDonald again, Abott, Thompson, Bowell, Tupper, Laurier, Borden, Meighen, King, Meighen again, King again, Bennett, King a third time..."

Bridgette entered the first class cabin and observed the odd activity that the fat guy and his Little Buddy were carrying out.

"...St. Laurent, Diefenbaker, Pearson, Trudeau, Clark, Trudeau again, Turner, Mulroney, Campbell, Chrétien, Martin and Harper!"

"48.6 seconds!" Owen exclaimed. "How do you do it?"

"Good memory. I can also do all the U.S. presidents in under a minute." Noah replied.

"What are you guys doing?" Bridgette asked giggling.

"Warding off boredom by listing the heads of states of various nations in under one minute. I just finished with all the Canadian Prime Ministers." Noah answered. "Want to join us?"

"No thanks." The surfer girl replied kindly. "Have you seen Alejandro, guys?"

"He wandered off to one of the upper levels that we haven't used in several episodes because they haven't been plot convenient until now." Noah replied.

"Oh...OK."

The surfer walked off and Owen and Noah returned to their business.

"OK...GO!"

"Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Quincy Adams, Jackson..."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Owen – **He got them all in 56.5 seconds. My Little Buddy is so smart.

**Bridgette **– I wandered around for half an hour and I still couldn't find Alejandro. I wonder where he went.

* * *

In the cargo hold, where Bridgette neglected to check, Alejandro and Heather had been making out for the past forty minutes on top of a pile of discarded coats that Chris had bought for the Russian challenge but neglected to give to the cast.

"Hey, hands off the goods." Heather said, slapping Alejandro's hand away after he squeezed her right breast.

"Oh, come on..."

"I am not going to second base on a pile of old clothes in a crappy plane's cargo hold." Heather said. "I might whore around but I don't do it cheaply."

"Then when?"

"If we get to the final two...I'll give you a little treat before the finale to show that I'm a good sport." Heather whispered into his ear with the sultriest voice she could muster while running her fingers tips along his chest.

He shuddered in anticipation.

"_If_ we make it to the final two?" He questioned

"If _you_ make it to the final two." Heather corrected, getting up. "I'll make it. Whether you do too still remains to be seen. Though, I really hope you do make it because I'd like to have a little competition in the finale so it's actually interesting..."

She nudged him against a wall and pressed herself up against him before whispering in his ear again.

"...And also because I want to see whether you're all talk and no show, Mr. Spaniard."

Alejandro shuddered and then smiled before grabbing Heather by the arm and flipping her around so that she was against the wall and he was pressing against her. Her cocky smile faded and was replaced by a blush and wide eyes.

"Heather, when we make it to the final two I'm going to give you the ride of your life..." He whispered, leaning into her.

Heather began to lean in as well but found herself kissing the air when Alejandro moved and began to walk away.

"...and after I do, I'm going to take the million dollars away from you." He said while walking away.

Heather stared at him in awe and then growled angrily when she realized that he'd just one-upped her at her own game.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Heather** – That jerk! That really, really attractive jerk!

* * *

Somewhere in a mountainous, undisclosed location the three producers: American Damian Hellburn, Argentine Manuel Alberti and Englishman Carter Denham were setting up camp to conduct their observation and control of the day's challenge, where they would be handling some of the more...robotic aspects of the contest. While Alberti and Denham set up the equipment, Hellburn was busy on the phone, ensuring all was set up.

"So you finished building the robots?" Hellburn asked.

Mumbling came over the phone.

"Good. We'll deliver the payment to you shortly. 500.000 dollars as per agreed."

More mumbling.

"What? No, it won't be in 'Belgian dollars'. It'll be in American dollars." Hellburn replied, rather confused. "There isn't even such a thing as a 'Belgian dollar', the Belgians use the Euro."

Mumbling.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure about that, Prayeman."

Mumbling.

"I don't care if that's not your name, it's close enough."

Mumbling.

"I don't have to respect you, I pay you."

Mumbling.

"Fair enough. We'll speak later."

Hellburn hangs up.

"I hate English people." Hellburn muttered.

Denham, an en shot his co-producer an annoyed glance and his partner shrugged.

"I don't care what you have to say." He replied. "Because you never say anything."

Denham shrugged, accepting this justification.

* * *

"Alright punks! Report to the cargo hold in five minutes!" Chef Hatchet exclaimed over the intercom. "Don't make me come lookin' for you again! I'm talkin' to you, scrawny kid in the yellow sweater who's name I can't remember!"

"Thank God!" Noah exclaimed, getting up. "I was getting so bored."

"Oh come on Noah, you've only got a few left!" Owen told him.

"Fine. García Pérez, Fujimori, Paniagua, Toledo and García Pérez again." Noah listed.

"Yay!" Owen exclaimed.

The eight remaining contestants pooled into the cargo hold. Chris was waiting for them there.

"Hello mein kinder!" Chris greeted them. "Nice to see you're all here, very close together!"

Courtney and Duncan were staring each other to death, Alejandro and Heather were exchanging evil glances, Bridgette and Noah looked at Alejandro in suspicious and disgust, respectively while Owen looked at Noah, Courtney and Duncan in concern. Cody was staring sadly at the floor.

"It would be nicer if you were closer together, though." Chris said. "Noah, could you scoot a few steps to the left and Bridgette could step forward a little."

Both did as they were told.

"Little more."

Again they did as they were told.

"Perfect." Chris said, smiling.

The host reached for a lever on the wall behind him and pulled it, causing the trapdoor the cast was distractedly standing on to open and drop them off the plane.

"I love it when the drama distracts them so much that they don't notice obvious ploys." Chris muttered happily to himself.

The cast fell, all of them save for Heather screaming.

"Oh come on, he's tried this so many times." Heather exclaimed. "There's obviously some kind of giant trampoline or giant mattress below to catch our fall."

"You mean like that giant mattress over there, which is clearly hundreds of feet away from where we're falling to." Noah pointed out, surprisingly terrified for a guy who didn't flinch when attacked by a supposed serial killer.

Heather looked over to where Noah pointed to see that yes, there was a mattress placed so they wouldn't die but it's position had clearly been miscalculated.

"Oh sh/_bleep_/t!" Heather yelled and then joined the rest of the cast in screaming in terror.

The fall lasted an eternity for the cast, as their lives flashed before their eyes. Of course, since they were all seventeen, the flashbacks were rather quick...come to think, the fall wasn't that long. Before they knew it, they were dead, hitting the cold, hard ground. Except the ground wasn't hard and they weren't dead either, since they'd landed on an exceptionally soft snowbank which (through cartoon physics) broke their fall.

"Oh, Thank God for snow!" Cody exclaimed, grabbing fistfulls of the frozen water and hoisting up in the air like it were Simba.

"Yeah, sorry about that." Chris said, landing near them with a parachute. "We kinda miscalculated the drop. Whoopsie..."

"I hate you." Heather growled.

"Feeling's mutual." Chris chuckled out.

The cast was surprised as they were approached by two men wearing fancy Hugo Boss suits that were completely out of place in the mountainous region they were in. The men looked at Chris and immediately raised their right arms in salute.

"Heil, mein führer!" They exclaimed in unison, in ridiculously high-pitched voices and thick German accents. "Brothers Hans und Gruber reporting for duty!"

"Yes. Children, meet Hans and Gruber." Chris said. "Two freaky german dudes we hired to act as guides for today's challenges and whom I just can't get enough of! Isn't that right, boys?"

"Ja, Herr Christian!" They answered in unison.

"I love these guys." Chris said, wrapping his arms around both brothers' shoulders.

"Heil Christian!" They exclaimed in unison, once again raising their right arms.

"...And this show's political correctness just went out the window." Noah remarked.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume we're in Germany." Courtney said.

"Ja Deutschland, ze greatest country in ze verld!" The brothers exclaimed. "Deutschland, vhere mountains stick out of ze ground!"

The cast looked on at the two German brothers in confusion until Chris broke the awkward staring by clearing his throat.

"OK, let's start today's carnage!" Chris exclaimed. "The first challenge will be a traditional German sled race!"

"Ja Deutsch schlittenhunderennen!" The brothers exclaimed. "Deutsch schlittenhunderennen, vhere you race down a slope, instead of up!"

"These guys are so funny!" Chris exclaimed. "Anyway, the brothers here will explain to you the basics about the slop you'll be racing on."

"Ja!" They exclaimed in unison. "Follow us, kanadischen kinder!"

The two brothers walked towards the edge of a nearby slope, taking really odd march-like steps and walking in perfect unison.

"Zis, kanadischen kinder, is Dethmunster slope." Hans said, pointing down the slope. "Vhich roughly translates to 'pretty flower slope'. Like most things in Deutschland, it is nice and pleasant to slide down on."

Suddenly, the german brothers stood at attention and began to talk in unison again.

"Dethmunster slope in Deutschland! Deutschland, vhere sheep seldom vear spectacles!"

The contestants ignored them and stared down said slope, observing with a little bit of unfathomable horror at the absurdly steep 300 meter long slope covered in hardwood trees, jagged rocks, pits, uncovered borders that led to jumps off the mountain, ramps and what also appeared to be several stacked crates in different points across the downhill ride.

"The crates are full of dynamite." Chris clarified, foreseeing the contestants' doubts.

"Ve have personally gone down zis slope to ensure zat there is no vay you can die in it." Gruber explained. "Unless you crash into ze crates of dynamite und zey blow up."

"Or into ze jagged rocks und you get impaled."

"Or you go over ze edge und fall to your deaths."

"Or you fall into one of ze multiples pits zat have vild deutsch mountain sheep in zem. Vhich seldom vear spectacles but are still vicious und murderous."

"The point that Hans and Gruber are trying to make is that you'll be perfectly not dead by the end of the race." Chris clarified.

"What about not maimed?" Heather asked.

"Not dead is good enough for you." Chris replied. "Now, go grab your sled from that pile over there and get ready to race!"

"Ja mein führer!"

"Not you guys..."

"Oh...OK."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Cody** – Anyone else think those german guys might have been a little too fond of Chris?

**Heather **– If my hair gets damaged in any way by that dynamite, I am killing Chris! It took me months to grow it back and these aren't even extensions! It's all natural Heather Wilson.

* * *

The contestants were on the edge of the slope, from left to right: Alejandro, Bridgette, Cody, Courtney, Duncan, Heather, Noah and Owen. They were all sitting on their sleds, which had straps that they could use to fasten themselves by the waist to the woodwork of the sled itself. Their hands were on the snow awaiting for the signal to launch.

"Oh and to make this even more complicated..." Chris began.

The host pulled out a small remote control and pressed down on a button. Immediately, the hated chime rang out.

"Motherf/_bleep_/er!" Duncan yelled.

"Good luck coming up with rhyming lines while avoiding near death...Heather, you take it first." Chris ordered.

"Your funeral." Heather muttered.

"To the tune of _99 Luftballons_." Chris added.

Heather glared at him as the slow synth keys began to play and Heather began to sing.

"_**You and I on a mountain slope  
Getting ordered around by a middle-aged dope.  
Thankfully, the show's almost done.  
Since most these dorks are already gone.  
The ones remaining are petty jerks  
So I can just say, 'Kiss my butt, girls'  
**__**Kiss the million bucks goodbye,  
Like the nine other dorks gone by!**_"

"ReadysetGO!" Chris yelled, leaving no space between words.

The contestants pushed forward, sliding down the slope as the famous riff of the 80's classic german song began to play, only this time it's done with guitars to add a more adrenaline pumped feel, since the contestants were in the middle of a death race. You know, for suitability. Gaining a lot of speed, Courtney grabs the right side of her sled and lifts it while moving with her body, veering away from an oncoming set of jagged rocks. Cody isn't as fortunate as he isn't able to steer away from a ramp, which sends him flying across the air and onto a stack of dynamite crates. Obviously, the crates explode as soon as he hits them.

Heather and Alejandro veer to the right and to the left, respectively, to dodge a pit with a killer sheep and a tree, respectively, and accidentally slam into each other, causing them to bump off to the left and to the right, respectively, which makes them dodge an oncoming crate of dynamite, respectfully.

Duncan steers towards a ramp, leaning forward to gain speed. He goes over the ramp and hollers joyfully as he flies over a stack of dynamite crates. After landing the guitar riff ends and he takes over the next verse, knowing he'd have to sing at some point and feeling pumped enough to carry out the humiliating act.

"_**Another nine idiots gone  
Seven more and I'll have won  
Kicking ass is my claim to fame  
And this time 'round it'll win the game**_"

Courtney veered away from a set of rocks and got close to Duncan, staring him down, she took over the next verse.

"_**The wannabe punk ruined my life  
Screwed around and caused me strife  
Now he can kiss the million goodbye  
Like the other nine dorks who have gone by!**_"

As the riff continued to play, Duncan tried to knock Courtney off but she shoved back. Duncan shoved again and suddenly the former lovers started slap-fighting, not realizing that they were heading straight for a pit on the mountain surface. Since Duncan had more momentum on his sled due to the streamlined position he'd taken by leaning down, he was able to leap over the pit. Courtney, however, wasn't so lucky. The brunette fell into the pit, slamming into the front wall and screaming in surprise before grunting in pain.

"Happy trippings, b/_bleep_/ch!" Duncan yelled, sliding away.

"/_bleep_/_hole_!" Courtney yelled.

A fearsome growl echoed from behind the brunette, who turned around and promptly saw a murderous german sheep that happened to be wearing spectacles, despite the fact that wearing spectacles is something seldom done by german sheep. The sheep roared and pounced.

Noah faced trouble from the very start of the race, crashing into Owen's sled because Owen was going too slow, Noah was going too fast and Owen just happened to be in front of Noah despite being a lot slower than him.

"Hi Little Buddy!" Owen exclaimed as Noah landed on his shoulder after crashing his sled against the back of his.

"Jesus Christ!" Noah yelled.

"Well I'm flattered, buddy, but I'm Owen."

"No, I meant it as an expletive due to the crate of explosives we're about to crash into." Noah explained.

Owen looked forward to see that, indeed, there was a crate of explosives in front of them, which was approaching them at great speeds.

"You think I should dodge it?" Owen asked.

"It would be reccomendable." Noah replied, trying to hold off his terror to deliver a sarcastic quip.

"OK, I'll do..."

The duo slammed into the crates of explosives but these did not blow up, instead getting scattered across different parts of the slope.

"Wonder why those didn't go off?" Owen asked.

* * *

"Why didn't those go off?" Hellburn asked.

"Button's jammed." Alberti replied.

"Gimme!"

The producer took the modified PS3 controller that they'd been using to control the race's explosives and examined it. Upon not being able to see what was wrong with it, he merely smacked it against a nearby table and the button finally unjammed, upon which he pressed it.

"Same way I fixed my dad's heart after that stroke." He commented.

* * *

Courtney clawed her way out of the pit, having torn the sheep's wool straight off her body and fashioning it into a makeshift cape/hood combo. As she reached the top, a crate of dynamite landed a few meters in front of her and promptly exploded, knocking her back into the pit with the now vengeful sheep still inside it.

Just then, the next verse of the song came up as the events synched in and it was Noah's turn to sing the tune.

"_**Another nine minutes past  
Don't know how long I'm gonna last  
I'm getting closer to death's door  
I think I only have five minutes more!**_"

Owen, being the most nearby person continued with the next verse.

"_**Little Buddy, calm right down  
Turn upside down that nasty frown.  
I'm pretty sure that we'll survive  
Unlike the other nine guys gone by.**_"

As the song broke into a guitar riff, Noah and Owen dodged an incoming set of rocks but were then surprised to see Heather and Alejandro come up from behind them on either side. The mean girl and the Spaniard looked at each other knowingly and then veered hard right and hard left, both slamming onto either side of Noah and Owen's sled. The sled spiraled out of control and slammed against a tree as Heather and Alejandro laughed and reached the bottom of the slope as the solo ended and the music toned down.

"The winners are Heather and Alejandro!" Chris exclaimed.

Both the nefarious characters got off their sleds and high-fived in evil victory.

"But there's one more verse left on the song, so take it away Bridgette!" Chris ordered.

The blonde arrived to the bottom of the slope and having seen Alejandro violently injure Noah and Owen, his teammates, she was a bit disappointed. The melody was different, now slow and saddened, almost melancholic.

"_**Nine other guys have gone by  
And some of them were my friends.  
It's nearly over and I'm standing alone  
In the snow, freezing to the bone  
If I could find a souvenir  
Just to prove friendship was here  
But there isn't one and that's too bad  
Time to move out, time to go oooooooon...**_"

Chris clapped.

"Beautiful conclusion."

"Ja mein führer!" The german brothers exclaimed.

"I love having guys who always agree with me." Chris said.

"Wait a minute." Heather said. "Alejandro and I are from different teams, so which team gets the edge for the next challenge?"

"Both."

"Both teams?"

"Well, not both teams...both of you."

"Then does that mean that...?"

"Yes! Congratulations kids, you've made it to the merge!" Chris exclaimed.

"YES!" Heather and Alejandro exclaimed.

"Yay..." Exclaimed the other contestants, both injured and non-injured losers, with less enthusiasm.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Noah – **Am I excited to make it to the merge for the first time? /_Stares blankly_/ Yes, I am enthused...

**Cody **– Am I excited to make it to the merge for the first time? /_Cheers loudly_/ Yeah, I'm enthused!

**Courtney** – This message goes out to those who belittled me for not making it to the merge without special situations before... /_Gives a raspberry to the camera_/ Take that, Mother! /_Laughs lightly for a few moments and then looks saddened_/

**Duncan** – Am I surprised that I made it to the merge? Well, I already did it twice before...so nah, I had that in the bag. Only this time, I'm not going to lose thanks to a disgruntled army chef or a wannabe nerdette...This time I'm taking the million and I'll use it to bribe my way out of crime sentences for the rest of my life! /_Sneers to the camera, then pauses and thinks for a few seconds_/ ...And maybe to buy a ferret. Those things are cool.

**Owen** – Million dollars and all the cheese I can eat, here I come! Woohoo! I can't wait to buy my own weight in Norwegian Jarlsberg!

**Bridgette** – After I got kicked out so early in TDA, I never really thought I stood too much of a chance this season, so I didn't really think I'd get to win but now that I made it to the merge I actually stand a chance. I guess if I got the million I'd make a surfing trip to Australia with my surf-buds from back home and I'd donate a bulk to dolphin charities...And I'd pay the media to stop comparing me to Hayden Panettiere because, seriously, I am _nothing_ like her!

**Heather** – This time...this time I'm going to win! No shaved heads or getting voted off mid-season! This time my hard work and devotion to pure evil will pay off! Then I'm going to buy all the mansions, hot tubs and male model lovers I want! No more hooking up with Justin to validate my image as a woman for me!

**Alejandro **– All according to plan...

* * *

Led through about a mile of snowy, mountainous wasteland in order to get to the next challenge site, the cast had some questions in mind. Or rather, in their mouthes as they hurled them angrily at Chris.

"Don 't you have any snowmobiles that can get us there faster?"

"Or the goddamn Drama Copter that we know you have because you've used it this season?"

"Or at least some fracking coats?!"

"The answer to all those questions is 'yes, I do have those things but no, I don't want to use them to help you'." Chris replied. "Anyway, we're already here."

The cast found themselves atop another hill, however much smaller and with the downgoing slope not covered in deadly, deadly traps. In the short distance beyond the hill was a large military fortress-like building. The place looked like an abandoned castle that had been fortified with barracks, battlements, layers of razor wire and other such implements. It consisted of a large outer wall that marked a perimeter and was a building in itself, as well as several smaller buildings inside the walled area and a large main building at the center of the construction. The structure had nine towers: four large ones on each corner of the main wall and five smaller ones on the main building in the center of the complex. There were six smaller buildings inside the complex, with one on each corner and two on the middle on either side of the main building. People appeared to be patrolling the walls of the castle and watching over from each tower.

"What..the f/_bleep_/k...is that?" Duncan asked.

"Castle Volfenstein!" Gruber replied.

"Ze zite of your today challenge, fernzehen kinder!" Hans added.

"What kind of challenge would require a freaking castle?" Cody asked, surprised.

"To better understand today's challenge, kids, you need to know a little thing about an event known as World War II." Chris said. "During the 1940's, Germany was led by an evil political party set on world domination...Hydra! Led by their evil leader, Red Skull, who most likely would have succeeded had it not been for Captain America..."

"Wait!" Noah interrupted. "Please tell me you're joking."

"No, I'm not." Chris said, quite serious. "Red Skull came close to destroying Washington D.C. with the power of the Tesseract but luckily..."

"Were you dropped on your head as a child?!" Noah yelled.

"Do no dizrezpect ze führer or ve vill be forced to shoot you in ze kneecap!" Gruber exclaimed, suddenly standing in front of Noah, joined by his brother.

Noah grumbled sat down on the snow, aggravated by Chris' idiocy. Chris continued.

"The evil Hydra, more popularly known as the Nazis, had several evil military bases in evil military castles like that one over there." Chris pointed out. "And if there's something that the History Channel proves is that having Nazis on your show totally pays big cheddar, so your challenge today si to infiltrate Castle Wolfenstein over there, get to the basement of the main building and complete the challenge behind the big iron door."

"So we're just supposed to sneak into an empty castle?" Heather asked, knowing it wouldn't be so easy.

"Oh, it's not an empty castle! It's a castle full of...wait for it...Nazi Robots!" Chris exclaimed with great joy.

"Nazi Robots?" The cast asked in unison, all incredulous.

"Yeah. The Producers hired themselves some engineer who built us a crapton of robots and made them all Nazis." Chris said.

"How?"

"I don't know, all I know is that they're wearing Nazi uniforms and they swear in German when they shoot at you."

"How do you know _that_?"

"Set a couple of them loose on Chef Hatchet while you guys were busy with the sled race." Chris replied.

* * *

Cutaway to Chef Hatchet running through the Jumbo Jet's cargo hold, screaming wildly. A few seconds later, clunky-looking robots dressed in SS uniforms run past the camera, shooting at Hatchet with Lugers.

* * *

"Of course, Nazi robots aren't kickass without nazi robot weapons but since we can't show real guns on an animated show that isn't Batman The Animated Series, we just gave the robots paintball guns." Chris explained. "So you kids will all be getting your own super special awesome paintball Lugers!"

The German brothers began handing the contestants their own 1930's design Luger pistols, loaded with red paintballs.

"Treat zem with care." Hans said. "Sese are ze traditional guns of ze deutschvolk!"

Then they spoke in unison again.

"Deutschland! Where every gun is made with a little dash of cinnamon!"

All but Heather and Alejandro got their Lugers. Those two were given Schmeisser submachine guns.

"Enjoy your advantage!" Chris told them.

"Yes!" Alejandro and Heather exclaimed, inspecting their weapons with glee.

"The challenge is easy! Sneak into the castle, then to the main building's basement and complete the challenge behind the great iron doors! In the castle there are weapons scattered about the halls which you can pick-up and use. There's also the sporadic vehicle there too. If any of the Nazi robots see you, they'll shoot until you're unconscious or poisoned to death from the lead paint in the paintballs they'll be firing at you. Remember to have fun and GO!"

The cast bolts forward, carrying their respective guns. While Duncan, Cody and Bridgette make a straight dash down the hill and towards the fortress; Alejandro, Courtney, Heather, Noah and Owen head into the woodland areas that surround the Nazi robot castle. Their strategy was rewarded by the fact that, unlike the three who bolted straight forward, they weren't shot at repeatedly.

Cody was the first to get hit. Having little physical skills, after running the threehundred meter stretch to the castle's front lines he was too tired and breathless to dodge the oncoming fire that the Nazi robot snipers shot at him. He was struck with red paintballs in the forehead, both shoulders and then three times in the chest before falling. After which he was nailed a couple times in the back as he crawled away in terror. He would have been shot at more if the snipers hadn't turned their attention to Duncan and Bridgette. The bad boy's cocksure insistence on running forward towards the front door even after the snipers opened fire earned him three shots to the chest and a mandatory five shots to the kiwis, which finally forced him to flee in shame/hurling pain. Bridgette was smarter/more cowardly as she retreated after the first two shots were fired, for which she only received one shot to the butt.

Scattered and scared, those three ran off into random locations. Bridgette herself ran into the edge of the woods to the right of the castle and happened to stumble upon Courtney, who was surveying a tall pine cone.

"Oh Courtney, thank God!" Bridgette exclaimed in startled frenzy. "I think one of those robot Nazi shot me...didn't think I'd ever say that...still, I think they shot me in the back! Did they?"

Without really parting her attention from the tree, Courtney took a quick glance at Bridgette as she turned around to allow Courtney better vision.

"Not in the back; in the butt." Courtney replied.

Almost as an instantaneous reaction, Courtney gave Bridgette a slap on the butt. Both girls realized what the brunette had done and blushed.

"Courtney..." Bridgette asked awkwardly.

"Yeah?" Courtney replied, just as awkwardly.

"What was that for?"

"I don't know. I just saw your butt and I felt like spanking it..."

"Why did you use the word _spanking_ instead of _slapping_?"

"How about we stop talking about your tight butt and instead talk about a plan to get into the fortress?" Courtney suggested in desperation.

"Did you just say my butt was tigh..."

"A plan...to get...into...the fortress...Bridgette." Courtney interrupted, pausing for emphasis.

"OK...Any ideas?"

"I was thinking somewhere along the lines of climbing this tree..."

The brunette immediately began to do as she suggested, jumping onto the lower branches of the pine cone and slowly clutching her way up the frail busing of branches the lined up the tree. When she was halfway up, she looked down at Bridgette.

"...And then jumping on the castle wall. You coming, Bridge?"

The blonde girl nodded and began to clumsily make her way up the loose branches. She wobbled around and struggled to remain holding on, gasping and breathing sHakily with every stumble. Courtney could have climbed faster but she decided to remain close behind in case Bridgette fell. Her prediction came true, as Bridgette slipped on one of the branches and had to cling on to a couple of looses branches to avoid falling. The brunette bent down and grabbed the blonde's hand, pulling her up with might so that she could get her feet back on the branches and begin climbing again.

After Bridgette's little stumble, both managed to reach the top of the tree, which led to agreat view of one of the walls of the castle, which was being patrolled by two Robot SS Officers. The robots' bodies were covered by the Nazi uniforms that they wore but they looked to be fairly human shaped. Their hands, which were the only visible parts of their bodies, looked just like human hands but made of metal. It was their heads that were absolutely robotic. The robots' heads consisted of a stocky, squared-out metal cube with two motion detectors that looked like eyes, antennas sticking out of either side of their head and a rectangular speaker at the bottom of their heads which resembled a mouth.

"How do we get past the robots?" Bridgette asked.

"Bridgette, be quiet as I throw you."

"What?"

The brunette shoved the blonde forward with great strength, causing her to fall forward towards the wall just as one of the robots passed by. Bridgette screamed in terror as she landed on the robot and crushed it against the wall. The other robot, which was on the other end of the wall, turned when she heard his companion get crushed by a falling blonde girl. Before it could raise its gun to attack, Courtney leaped onto the wall, drew her Mauser and shot it square in the forehead. The paint splashed on its head and antennas, causing it to blast out sparks and short circuit, collapsing to the ground.

"Great! We're in!" Courtney exclaimed. "Thanks Bridgette."

"You're welcome." The surfer groaned from the floor.

The brunette spotted a trapdoor a few feet ahead of her. She walked over and opened it, revealing an entrance to the inside of the wall. Reasoning that it was easier to get to the ground through the inside, Courtney hopped in. However, she stuck her head out for a second and looked over at Bridgette.

"I know we're friends and all Bridge and I really thank you for helping me get in..." Courtney began. "...But since I want to win immunity so my jackass ex-boyfriend can't ruin the million for me, I'm going to have to lock this door and leave you out here. Nothing personal. No harm, no foul. Bye!"

The brunette slammed the trapdoor before the blonde understood what had just happened, still stunned by the fall. When she got a grasp on what her friend had said, she bolted up and ran for the trapdoor, only to discover that Courtney had locked it from within.

"Oh crap!" Bridgette moaned and began to look around for way to get off the wall.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette – **/_Annoyed_/I'm not _mad_ at Courtney for locking me out and leaving me to climb down the wall through the side with no ladder or rope...but I am a bit upset about it. A bit really, _really_ upset about it.

**Courtney** – It was in Bridgette's best interest. If I'd let her keep going she would have probably gotten gunned down with paint by the Robot Nazis. She's not much of a sneaky person and she certainly can't blend in with that absurdly sized pony-tail.

* * *

At another one of the castle's walls, Duncan was surveying the structure using all his prison break expertise.

"36 feet high made of pure limestone bricks with solid-held cement. No clutch and no blasting open-spot. Too high for roping and besides I don't have a grapple." Duncan pondered. "Only possible method of penetration is a tunnel."

"Thanks for the advice." Heather said, appearing from behind a set of nearby trees. "I didn't know how I would get through the wall. Thanks for the advice."

The raven haired girl walked away and turned the corner on the castle wall, after which she began trying to dig a tunnel. However, the mean girl hadn't calculated too well. She'd taken advantage of Duncan's idea...but hadn't thought of taking advantage of his practicality. In other words, she didn't have a clue about how to dig a tunnel. She dug her hands into the snow but soon found that there was actual ground underneath, which she wouldn't dare try to dig out with her hands...she'd ruin her fingernails.

Heather poked her head over the side of the wall to spy on Duncan. She didn't see Duncan, though, she only saw a large hole which went under the wall. In a few seconds, Duncan poked out of the hole, which was deep enough to cover all of him. The mean girl walked over to him and stared down at the hole with awe as he got out, chuckling.

"How's your brilliant plan to get in going?" Duncan asked sardonically. "Mine's going great."

"Yeah...Duncan, you're a big, strong man..."

"Just big and strong?"

"A big, strong, _handsome_ man..."

"I think smoking hot would be more adequate..."

"A big, strong, _smoking hot_ man." Heather said seductively. "Maybe a small, frail woman like me could share a tunnel with you?"

"I don't think so, sister." Duncan chuckled.

Heather pounced on him and pressed a sensuous kiss to his lips. After she pulled away, Duncan was a bit swayed but not quite.

"Yeah...that isn't going to..."

Heather doubled her efforts, this time caressing the edge of his tongue with her own in the most delicately sensuous and teasing manner that only a queen bee like her could do. For added bonus, she made sure to press her chest tightly against his and run the tips of her fingers down his scalp in the most slow and ticklish way possible.

"OK...you can use my tunnel." Duncan panted after she pulled away. "But you go in first. I wanna have a nice view of that butt."

"Pig." Heather scoffed as she began to duck into the tunnel.

"You're the one who frenched me to use a tunnel, babe." Duncan sneered.

As the mean girl began to crawl in, Duncan slapped her rear end, which was raised high in the air as she bent down. The mean girl yelped in pain and poked her head out of the hole to glare at the bad boy, who just smiled teasingly at her. She scoffed and continued inside. Duncan followed suit, eyes never leaving her butt.

* * *

On the same side of the wall that Courtney and Bridgette had climbed on but on the farther end to the back of the fortress, Alejandro was inspecting the tower, realizing that he could climb up to a small window through several loose rocks. However, the rocks were just out of reach. If only he had somebody he could stand on...

"Um...Hi, Al..."

The Spaniard turned to see Cody approach him shyly. He was covered in paint from the front assault on the fortress and he had a few bruises from hitting several trees face first when running into the woods.

"I have an offer..." Cody began.

"You want me to help you get in so you can kill some Nazi Robots to appear more manly." Alejandro said.

"Yeah...how did you..."

"It's all you've been talking about for the last three episodes."

"Robot Nazis?"

"No, pretending to be more manly."

"Not pretending, trying to be more manly for real."

"Sure."

"Were you being sarcastic?"

"I clearly was but that's beside the point because as it so happens, I actually am willing to aid you in your goal to get in."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Thanks, Al."

"Don't call me that."

"OK Al...ejandro."

The Spaniard looked at the geek with annoyance but he just smiled awkwardly and Alejandro rolled his eyes.

"Though, I'm not going to help you just like that."

"What do you mean?"

"If I help you, you're going to have to do me a favor."

"What favor?"

* * *

On the other side of the castle, Noah and Owen were inspecting the large wall, trying to figure out how to get in.

"Maybe we could get in if we built some kind of giant wooden rabbit." Owen suggested.

"That's ridiculous, it would never work." Noah said, disgruntled. "Germans hate rabbits. Too cute for them."

"How about a wooden badger?"

"That might work but we'll never be able to get enough wood to build a badger."

"Oh."

Owen began to ponder the options once again and after looking around a bit came up with another idea.

"Hey, how about we just go through that door?" He suggested.

The bookworm looked over to where his Chubby Buddy was pointing and saw that there was a medium-sized wooden door right on the wall. It had a sign on it that read "Cheat Code Entrance: Please No Breaking In Through Here".

"Wait, we can't do it." Owen said. "The sign says not to."

"Screw the rules, I have money." Noah declared, going over to the door and opening it.

"You have money?" Owen asked.

"Family's rich." Noah replied.

"Then why'd you join the show?" Owen asked.

"Never hurts to have _more_ money." The bookworm replied simply.

"Oh."

The fat guy shrugged and followed his Little Buddy through the Cheat Code Entrance.

* * *

"Damian, they're all inside the castle." Alberti announced as he monitored the contestants' progress over a set of monitors.

The producers had set up a large tent with internal heating in it, where they'd also set-up monitors to observe the contestants, a cooking range and three small beds since they'd be spending the night there and taking off after the contestants.

"Perfect." Hellburn muttered wickedly. "Then let's start the funtimes!"

Hellburn left the tent, entered the producers' parked jet and came back out with a black briefcase. He rested the case on one of folding tables they'd set up and opened it carefully. From inside it, he produced a universal remote control.

"Let's give them a real challenge." Hellburn said. "Looks like Heather and Duncan are coming up near the minefield. Shall I?"

"O, you must." Alberti cackled deviously.

Denham nodded, actually smiling lightly as he did. Hellburn chuckled and pressed a button on the remote before turning to the screen which showed Heather and Duncan.

* * *

In the castle, Heather crawled out of the hole that Duncan had dug through the wall, struggling through the last stretch which wasn't very well built.

"You couldn't have done a better job digging out this thing?" Heather groaned.

Duncan emerged right after her.

"Jesus Heather, I got through just fine." Duncan groaned. "If I can get through, either you can get through just as easily or you've gotten fatter. Judging from how big your butt looked, I'd say it's the second one."

"F/_bleep_/k off, you jackAAAAH!"

As Heather insulted Duncan, she began to walk off, walking into the minefield and stepping on a very nice landmine, which blew her across the air and onto a stack of hay bales lying nearby. Her submachine paintball gun flew off her hands and into the distance. Duncan laughed uncontrollably at the mean girl as she flew through the air and landed on the haystack. His laughter was short lived though, as the explosion alerted a few Nazi Robot guards, who came over almost immediately.

"Intruder!" One of the three guards who arrived yelled.

"Oh crap." Duncan mumbled.

The three nazi robots raised their paintball machine guns and opened fire on Duncan, spraying his chest with dozens of paintballs, leaving a couple dozens of bruises all over him before he fell over from the sheer force of the multiple impacts.

"Target neutralized." The same guard commented. "Let's go get some Köstritzer Lager."

The guards walked away, leaving behind the two injured teenagers.

"Not so funny now, huh?" Heather groaned at Duncan.

"Screw...you...ugh."

* * *

After climbing down the trapdoor, Courtney found herself in a moderately narrow hallway with two more Nazi robot guards patrolling. The stairs leading down from the trapdoor were luckily behind a convenient tack of crates, so she was unseen by the guards. She peeked her head over the side of the crates for a second and then sunk back as one of the Nazis turned around. She noticed they both covered one half of the hallway in their marching both horizontally and vertically and when one was looking in one direction, the other was looking in the opposite, so both sides were covered at all time.

Courtney briefly pressed her finger to her chin, thinking on what to do. Then, she could clearly hear one of the guards approach the crates she was standing behind of. He came really close to them and then turned around. She waited a bit and heard him repeat the same process less than thirty seconds later. This gave her an idea.

She drew her Mauser and waited for the guard to come around again. She backed up as far as she could against the wall behind her and as soon as the guard was as close as he would get, she rammed straight into the stack of crates. The crates toppled over and crushed the stunned mechanical guard, who didn't have time to react. The other guard did, turning around and seeing Courtney raise her gun at him.

"What the Scheiße?"

Courtney opened fire on the guard, unloading five paintball shots on it. Three hit its torso and two hit its head, causing it to short circuit and blow up.

"YES!" Courtney cheered.

The CIT walked towards the door on the other end of the corridor but stopped as she walked past the Nazi guard. She noticed this one had a submachine gun with it. Chris had said that there were better ammo and weapons lying around the castle.

"Guess it's time for an upgrade."

The brunette stuffed the Mauser into the side of her pants and picked up the submachine gun, using its leather strap to hang it over her shoulder. She held it up to her eye and peered through the sight at a poster of a swastika on the wall in front of her. Aiming for the dead center, she pressed the trigger and let off three paintball shots in a micro-second. The kickback of the gun was harder than that of the Mauser, so her aim was a little off but the speed and power of the gun more than made up for it. Courtney let the gun hang by her side and walked through the door on the end of the hallway.

* * *

Cody and Alejandro climbed in through the window. The Spaniard had used the geek's shoulders as a step-ladder to get into the window and then turned around and pulled him up to get into the tower. They were on the second floor and there was only one way out that didn't involve going up. The Spaniard lightly opened the door leading out and peered out into the hallway.

There was a trapdoor in the middle of the hall and a door on the opposite end of the hall. The trapdoor was guarded by a Nazi robot and both the door on the other end and his door were guarded by robots themselves. Luckily, the robot on his end didn't notice the door opening slightly and his head poking out.

"OK, there's three guards out there." Alejandro assessed. "I have a machine gun and you have a Mauser, so if we burst out really fast we might be able to shoot them all out before they can get to shoot us."

"Isn't that a bit risky?" Cody asked, nervous.

"Don't have any other choices." Alejandro said.

Cody sighed.

"OK."

"Perfect. You go first."

"What?! No way!"

"Hey, I helped you through the window!"

"We already made a deal about that!"

"Maybe but..."

Alejandro struggled for words, until coming up with a dastardly idea that made him smile wickedly.

"...but going out first would look _very_ brave."

Cody looked at him with amazed and doubtful eyes.

"Are you sure that if we fire really fast they won't get to shoot us?" Cody asked, hesitant.

"Sure."

"OK...I'll go first."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Alejandro **– /_snickering evilly_/I swear, it's like these guys are letting themselves get manipulated on purpose!

* * *

Cody inched towards the door, drawing his Mauser. He was sweating and shaking with his eyes held open in tension. He grasped the handle on the door and prepared to throw it open when loud thrashing and shooting noises were heard on the other side. Suddenly, they stopped as fast as they began.

Confused, Cody slowly opened the door to see Courtney standing over the wrecked remains of the three robotic guards.

"Oh, it's just Courtney." Cody muttered in relief.

Courtney noticed Cody and Alejandro standing at the nearby door and promptly drew her Mauser, shooting Cody in the forehead with a paintball. The stunned geek fell down and a shocked Alejandro stepped forward.

"You can't do this!" Alejandro yelled.

"Um...Yes I can, it's the point of the challenge." Courtney answered, dully annoyed.

"I meant 'you can't do this to me'." Alejandro specified.

"Beg to differ."

Courtney fired three shots at Alejandro's chest, which made the Spaniard bend over in pain and fall to the floor. Courtney smiled to herself and climbed down the trapdoor. Much like she'd done with Bridgette, the brunette locked the trapdoor from below, leaving the boys stuck on the level of the wall they were in.

* * *

"OK, we've made it inside the castle." Owen commented.

"Seriously? I didn't realize." Noah remarked sarcastically.

The duo simply stepped through the door and found themselves in a small alley-like space between one of the four small buildings inside the castle wall and the castle wall itself.

"Yeah we did. Remember? We found that door that led us right in." Owen said.

Noah facepalmed and muttered something too unintelligible for the camera to catch it. The bookworm poked his head over the corner of the building they were standing behind and Owen followed suit.

"OK, we need a plan to sneak past those guards over there in the courtyard and get to the main building." Noah said, pointing to the courtyard.

"Oh! Maybe we can build some kind of wooden ferret!" Owen suggested.

"Not enough wood."

"Um...a stone ferret?"

"Don't think so."

Owen began to ponder the options once again and after looking around a bit came up with another idea.

"Hey, maybe we can use those Nazi robot disguises from over there!" He suggested

The bookworm looked over to where his Chubby Buddy was pointing and saw that there was a table with five sets of fake armor and SS uniforms on top of it, with a sign that read "Cheat Code Costumes: Please No Using These To Sneak Past Guards".

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that they were leaving these things around on purpose." Noah snickered. "Let's change, Owen."

* * *

On top of the castle wall, Bridgette peered over the edge. Below her was a rather large snow mound, yet, right next to it is a pile of rusty bayonets.

"There's a _pretty_ big chance that if I leap, I'll land in those bayonets..." Bridgette pondered. "But if I don't jump, there's a _pretty_ big chance I'll lose the challenge and the million dollars..."

The blonde thought for a second.

"Stupid greed." She muttered.

Closing her eyes, the blonde jumped off the wall, screaming in terror. Her screams only stopped when she hit the snowbank with a loud thud and a grunt. When she saw that she hadn't been speared though by bayonets, she cheered ecstatically.

However, her joy was short lived as a pair of Nazi robots appeared in front of her, alerted by her screams of terror. The surfer looked at them with wide, terrified eyes and a scared pout. She smiled reassuringly and stretched her arms forward while bowing down slightly.

"Nice robots. There's no need to shoot me, I'm just a tiny, frail seventeen year old. I couldn't do big, strong, genocidal robots like you any harm..."

The robots looked at each other, as if thinking this over. Realizing that she indeed couldn't do them any harm, the robots opened fire on Bridgette, hitting her stomach with six paintballs and knocking her into the pile of rusty bayonets before walking away.

The blonde lowly moaned in pain as she slowly and painfully got off the bayonet pile with a bayonet hanging off her right arm, two hanging off her back and one hanging off her butt. The blonde proceeded to painstakingly pull each one of them off, starting with the arm, then the ones on her back and finally (and most painfully) the one on her butt.

* * *

**(Bathroom confessional)**

**Bridgette** – /_In pain_/I'm gonna need a tetanus shot...

* * *

Having gotten off the haystack and pulled most of the hay from her clothes and hair, Heather began to carefully make her way through the small minefield, dodging the bumps in the snow while clutching onto her submachine gun and her Mauser, which was precariously tucked into her pants and in danger of falling and triggering one of the mines.

"Why is there even a haystack in the snow-laden German Alps?" Heather grunted in anger as the dodged the last mound on the snow.

"Hey, you can't leave me like this!" Duncan groaned, still bent over in the snow, having suffered severe bruising and damage from the repeated paintball fire.

"You're right, I can't leave you like that." Heather said.

The mean girl drew her Mauser from her pants and shot Duncan in the forehead, causing him to groan and bury his face in the snow from the pain.

"Now I can." Heather chuckled.

"Bi/_bleep_/ch!" Duncan yelled.

The chuckling Heather jumped behind a pile of crates that was next to the building that she and Duncan had been behind of. She peered lightly over the crates into the main courtyard of the castle. The courtyard was a large snowy clearing in the middle of the triangle formed by the two small buildings on the front side of the castle and the main, large building in the center. From her position, Heather could only see about one fourth of the main courtyard because she was next to one of the buildings on the far end of the castle, so the main building itself blocked her view of the main courtyard.

Still, from where she hid, she could see a large group Nazi robots endlessly marching around in the center of the courtyard and the only entrance to the main building was through said courtyard. She ducked under the crates again and pressed her thumb to her chin, thinking about how to get through those guards.

* * *

Courtney slowly opened the wooden door that led from the inside of the wall to the castle's open air sector. She saw that she was behind one of the buildings on the front end of the castle and that there were no guards close by. She slowly snuck out of the door and into the small alley formed by the building in front of her and the front castle wall (the wall adjacent to the one she'd come out of).

She slowly scuttled to the end of the small alley, from where she could peek round the corner of the building into the main courtyard. She could see the front of the main building, which had a large wooden door leading into it. More importantly, however, was the large squadron of about twenty Nazi robots marching around the front courtyard.

"Too many to take all on my own just like that." She muttered. "I'll need some kind of distraction..."

As if on cue, a rather bruised and disoriented Bridgette walked right out of the other end of the same building, getting spotted immediately by the guards. Not even wasting time on a double take or a befuddled pause, Bridgette yelled a simple sentiment:

"Oh sh/_bleep_/t!"

And began to run off, getting chased by five of the robot guards.

"That's good." Courtney mumbled. "A bigger one would have worked better but I'll take my chances."

As Courtney prepared to step out, a large crash was heard in the nearby distance behind one of the farther away buildings on the same horizontal side of the castle she was in. The robots heard it too and five of them left to investigate, leaving only ten guards in the courtyard.

"That'll do."

* * *

"You could've broken my fall?" Cody groaned after landing on a shallow snow pile.

"Would you have broken my fall?" Alejandro replied, having dodged Cody as he fell after falling himself.

For context, after realizing Courtney had locked them in, both boys studied their options for getting out of the castle wall and saw that the only other way out was a window. Since it was locked, they had to smash through it to get out. Alejandro tried to knock Cody into it but missed and accidentally went through it himself.

"Let's just sneak into the building." Alejandro groaned.

As both boys got up, the five Nazi robot guards who'd left the courtyard arrived at their location.

"Actually, let's run first." Alejandro yelped.

The boys took off screaming as the robots opened fire on them, missing by inches. They then embarked on a running pursuit of them.

* * *

"OK Courtney, it's go time."

Across the courtyard, behind another set of crates.

"OK Heather, it's go time."

With a high-pitched menacing war cry, Courtney leapt out from behind the building and ran horizontally across the courtyard, firing at the ten Nazi robot guards until she reached the other building across the courtyard. Heather leapt up from the crates and opened fire on the robots as well. As Courtney made it across, she noticed Heather and Heather noticed her. As soon as Courtney got across, Heather leapt down behind the crates and scuttled behind the nearby building so they wouldn't find her so easily.

None of the robots were downed in the dual attack, but six were injured by the paintball fire. Two robots went to investigate where either girl was and, hearing them approach, both girls leapt from behind their hiding spots and opened fire, shooting at random spots on the robots, actually managing to kill one of the two that went after each of them. The other robot of both sets then backed away and began to search for cover, along with the other remaining Nazi robot guards.

Courtney ran across the back of the building. Heather did the same for hers. There was a line of stacked crates and containers that formed a wall of cover between both the buildings they were behind of. Both girls met in the middle of this wall of containers.

"How many did you take down?" Courtney asked.

"One." Heather answered.

"Me too."

The girls heard shots strike the wall of containers protecting them.

"We haven't got much time. They might come round the corners of those buildings we were just hiding behind. I propose a temporary alliance. We both take down these robots and then make our way inside the main building." Courtney suggested. "From there on in, it's every woman for herself."

"Agreed." Heather replied.

"OK, let's kill some Nazi ass." Courtney said, smiling wickedly.

Both girls scuttled over to the wall of the buildings they previously were standing behind of. They peered over the corner and saw that the robots had taken cover behind the buildings on the opposite end of the courtyard and behind the wall of crates that connected both buildings.

Three of them leaped over the wall of crates and began sprinting over to the opposing wall of crates where the girls had been hiding. They leaped over the wall and realized, too late, that the girls had moved, since as soon as they landed on the other end of the wall, Courtney and Heather opened fire on them. The three robots short-circuited from the paintball shots to their heads and collapsed on the snow, completely disabled.

"YES!" Courtney and Heather exclaimed in unison.

* * *

On the other side of the courtyard, the Nazi robot guards witnessed how their companions were gunned down by the two girls.

"KARL!" Screamed one of the Nazis as their companions were gunned down.

Trickles of oil began to run down their eyes.

"It's OK, Hans, it's OK." Said another one of the guards, while hugging the one that was crying.

"He was so young, Friedrich. He was so young!" Hans the robot screamed in grief.

"I know. I know." Friedrich replied, still hugging him.

"Hug it out later, ladies!" A third robot, named Sigmund, yelled. "We're in a war here! We have to take out these ficken huren!"

"He's right." Hans muttered, tears stopping. "Karl would have wanted us to annihilate the teufelskreis landstreicher who killed him…"

The guards picked up their guns and began to return fire at Heather and Courtney. However, out from behind the side of the main building came two more Nazi robot guards: one that was suspiciously short and one that was suspiciously fat.

"Are you sure this is going to work, Little Buddy?" The fat one asked.

"No." The short one replied.

"Oh…"

The sneakily moved for the main door of the central building, trying to avoid being spotted by the robot guards that were fighting against somebody they couldn't quite spot.

"Hey! You two! Come here and help us!" Sigmund the robot yelled at them as they began to open the large wooden doors of the central building.

"Um…we have express orders from Robot Goering to meet him in the basement level." The short one yelled back, putting on a German accent.

"Oh, OK!" Sigmund yelled.

The short guard and the fat guard entered the main building and closed the door.

"Wait a minute…" Sigmund muttered. "We don't have a Robot Goering. Those two are imposters! Stop them no…"

As Sigmund got up to run after the short robot guard (a.k.a Noah) and the fat robot guard (a.k.a. Owen), he was shot on the side of the head by Courtney's Mauser, making him short-circuit and collapse.

"SIGMUND!" Hans yelled in horror.

* * *

From behind the crate she was hiding behind, Courtney fist pumped in celebration after realizing she'd pulled a perfect headshot.

"YES! HEADSHOT!" She exclaimed.

She popped up to take another shot at one of the guards she'd spotted but was surprised when a paintball struck her right in the chest, just above the nipple.

"OUCH! You shot me in the boob you son of a bi/_bleep_/ch! I'LL KILL YOU!" She screamed.

Then, she ducked as several paintballs flew past her head. The Nazi robots had spotted her position and began to concentrate most of their fire on her. She tried to pop up again but the paintballs didn't stop, almost hitting her this time. As a test, she lifted her arm and waved it for a second, only to get hit in the bottom of her forearm with a badly aimed paintball that was aimed at her palm. After getting struck, she reflexively lowered her hand, avoiding five more shots aimed at her arm. She repeated the experiment again, lifting her leg and then her elbow, receiving similar results with shots fired at her, only none of these hit.

Her position behind the crate compromised, Courtney scuttled away and hid behind the nearby building. However, she couldn't find any shooting spots from there, since one corner was where she'd come from and the robots were all focused there and from the other she couldn't spot any of the robots. She thought of crawling behind the line of crates to the other building, where Heather was but figured it would be best to not cram together, since it would facilitate the robots' firing at them. No other options seemed good, until she noticed a crate was placed under a low scaffolding attached to the building. Smirking with triumph, Courtney climbed on the crate and then jumped up to reach the scaffolding. She pulled herself up onto the scaffolding and then from there she climbed up to the roof of the building.

The roof had a small border wall on the sides which allowed her to hide behind it. She crawled to the edge of the roof that overlooked the roof and poked her head out slightly. She saw that she had a clear shot at four of the guards who'd been shooting at her.

The brunette grabbed hold of the submachine gun that had been hanging off from her shoulder and took a deep breath. She peeked again to get a good grasp at where the robots were and then crouched into leaping position.

She leaped up.

"EAT IT NAZIS!" She yelled, opening fire on the foor robots she'd aimed for.

The paintballs tore at them, covering them in red paint. All got nailed in the head eventually but some found themselves getting drenched in the shoulders, the chests and even some very misaimed shots at their feet. All pain was ephemeral as within seconds they were all short-circuiting and collapsing on the ground.

The hail of bullets lasted three seconds and immediately afterward Courtney leaped to the floor, hurting her knee and hands which she'd used to break her fall, but avoiding the paintballs that the two remaining Nazi guards had fired at her after they'd seen her.

* * *

Noah and Owen were surprised to find that the main building was in fact a large warehouse where dozens of Nazi robots were moving crates. Peeking around revealed that the crates were full of paintballs, paintball guns, paint grenades, paint mines...all sorts of paint related weaponry. The duo was also surprised to see that there were World War II jeeps and motorcycles in the building as well.

"Hey! You two!" One of the guards called out to them.

This guard was not dressed like most of the others, wearing not just an SS uniform but also a leather longcoat and a Colonel's cap instead of the black helmets the others wore. The Colonel robot approached them.

"What is going on out there?!" The Colonel asked, furious.

"A chinese girl and a mexican girl are killing a platoon of our men...robots." Noah answered.

"WHAT?! Why are you not helping them?!"

"We were sent for reinforcements." Noah replied.

"Very well."

The Colonel suddenly emitted a loud alarm noise, causing a dozen robot guards to come to attention in front of them.

"Privates! Good germano-robotic lives are being lost out there to a filthy spic and a dirty gook! Go and help your compatriots before they're eliminated! Make haste!"

"SIR, YES SIR!" The soldiers left and began marching towards the door.

Noah and Owen took advantage of the distraction to sneak towards the stairs that led to the basement level. Surprisingly enough, the basement was absolutely empty. It was just a huge, three story high room with nothing in it but a giant iron door.

"Can we take off the helmets?" Owen asked.

"Yes."

The duo took off their fake robot heads but carried them with them as they made their way over to the large iron door, in case the robots showed up again.

"Now how to open the door?" Noah pondered aloud.

"Maybe it's with that..."

"...the big red button with the word 'open' written under it. Yeah, I saw it." Noah interrupted.

Indeed, there was a large red button on the wall with the word 'open' printed in large bold letters under it, which the friends had taken a few seconds to spot. Noah moved over to the button but stopped dead in his tracks when Owen was suddenly struck by a paint rocket that splashed him full of red paint and knocked him into the wall behind him. The bookworm turned to see Alejandro standing on the other end of the room, holding a paint bazooka.

"Damn it, I only had one rocket." Alejandro groaned.

"OWEN!" Noah exclaimed, remembering his Chubby Buddy.

He turned to see that Owen was lying against a wall, drenched in paint, more or less conscious but heavily stunned. He turned back to see Alejandro dropping the rocket launcher and drawing his Mauser. Noah responded accordingly and drew his, taking aim at the Spaniard. Both held their aim, still not prepared to fire.

"Looks like it's time for that final battle we talked about." Alejandro remarked with a cocky grin and an arrogant tone.

"So it seems." Noah replied, cocking back the hammer on his gun.

"Very well then...Let's get it over with. No further ado."

"Agreed."

Alejandro shot first but miscalculated his aim and missed Noah's head. Noah shot second but hit first, striking Alejandro's chest. After their first shots, both boys began advancing on each other while firing succesive shots, striking with more and more precision each time as they drew closer. Alejandro took one in the arm, then Noah in the shoulder, then Alejandro in the chest again, then Noah's forehead, Alejandro's cheek, Noah's neck, Alejandro's mouth and finally both of them were inches away from each other, their guns pressed at each other's foreheads, about to pull the trigger once again when a loud crashing noise struck the room.

They lowered their guns in shock.

"What was that?" Noah mumbled, worried.

Another banging noise drew their attention to the large iron door, which suddenly had a large bulging dent on it. Then another and another and then the door blew open.

"Oh sh/_bleep_/t!"

* * *

Heather opened fire on the three remaining Nazi robots, spraying them with paintballs and short circuiting all three of them. The three robots collapsed on the snow, useless.

"Good job, Heather." Courtney groaned, trying to scrape some of the paint off her sweater vest.

Both girls had been shot repeatedly and their clothes, arms and even some patches of their hair and faces were splashed with red paint.

"Crap, this was one of my best sweater vests." Courtney groaned. "Well, doesn't matter, I have like six identical ones."

"Let's go win this challenge." Heather said, determination prevalent.

The determination lasted briefly, as the asian girl was struck with a paintball to the forehead and knocked backwards onto a downed robot, banging her head and getting knocked out. Courtney reached for her gun, which was stuffed into the side of her pants, but she was stopped by a menacing, mechanical voice.

"Hold it right there, missy!" The order bolted out.

The Nazi robot guard dressed as an SS colonel had emerged from the main building and was aiming his Mauser at Courtney, whose hands remained still to avoid getting shot.

"So you two are the little girls who've been killing my troops, huh?" The Colonel grumbled. "Pretty impressive for a chink and a spic."

"What did you just call me?" Courtney growled, brows furrowed in rage.

"A greasy, dirty, little spic girl." The Colonel growled. "What is it? Do you not like that word, spic?"

"No, I don't you Nazi bastard!"

"Well, what are you going to do about it? Shoot me? I don't think you're fast enough to draw your gun, aim at me and fire before I just do the last step, so I guess that option is out of the question. Tell me then, what are you going to do now?" The Colonel mocked.

"Nothing." Courtney grumbled, realizing she was trapped. "What are you going to do?"

"Me? Well, I'm going to make you raise your hands, look me straight in the eye and then beg for mercy right before I empty my Mauser's entire magazine into your face." The Colonel stated, coldly and precisely. "That's what I'll do. Now raise your hands."

The brunette did not move.

"Do it."

No movement.

"Do it!"

"You're going to shoot me. Just do it. I'm not going to humor you."

As a warning, the Colonel fired a shot at Courtney's chest, striking her in the right breast. The brunette groaned in pain and bent over, clutching her chest.

"There is a lot more of that if you don't do as I say! Now raise up your hands and BEG!" The Colonel yelled.

Courtney struggled for her composure but managed to regain it, staring straight at the Colonel again and doing nothing.

"Fu/_bleep_/k you."

"Fine. Have it your way!"

The Colonel took aim for her face again and was startled when the large wooden doors of the main building flew open and Alejandro, Noah and Owen ran out, screaming in terror.

"What the hell?" Both Courtney and the Colonel reacted.

Suddenly, a large crashing noise. Then another. Then another and finally, the wooden door and the stone wall of the main building exploded forward as a giant, 12 feet tall robot emerged from the building. The robot had four legs with square feet; these legs met in a large sphere that acted as the robot's coxis. From the coxis emerged a large metal half-sphere. The half-sphere had two giant metal arms sticking out of its sides, the right one with a large cannon attached and the left one with a minigun attached to the end of it. The other half of the sphere was made out of thick glass and formed a control cabin. Inside the control cabin was a robotic version of Adolf Hitler.

"Prepare to die, mein Juden kinder!" Robot Hitler yelled over his giant robot's megaphone speaker system.

Needless to say, Courtney ran off as soon as the robot appeared.

"Yeah! That's right! Run away from the Führer, little girl!" The robot Colonel yelled.

The giant paintball shooting robot conducted by the Robotic Adolf Hitler was uninterested in the unconscious Heather lying in the middle of the courtyard. Instead, it focused on the limping Duncan, who stumbled out of the side of one of the smaller buildings and began to head for the main building, his head cast down and only noticed the giant robot once he stepped onto its shadow. Duncan looked up and was greeted by the sight of the giant robot (which shall be affectionately called the Reichbot from now on) aiming its minigun arm at him.

"Sterben den Feinden des Reich!" Robot Hitler yelled before firing.

The minigun blasted out dozens of paintballs per second, striking Duncan repeatedly in the chest, arms, legs, stomach and face. The bad boy stumbled backwards a few steps and then fell on the snow as the giant robot sprayed painful blasts of plastic and paint at him over and over again for several seconds until the dictatorial robot got bored and decided to move on, looking for more victims.

"OK kids, this is the final challenge!" Chris yelled over a megaphone, hovering above the castle in a helicopter along with the German brothers. "Whomever takes down Robot Hitler gets immunity from today's elimination and a special prize! Rock on!"

"Oh zu are so vise, mein führer!" Hans exclaimed over the megaphone.

"Your deutsche challenge ideas are absolutely brilliant!" Gruber added.

"OK guys, I get it. You really like me, but it's starting to get a bit creepy." Chris replied.

"Ve are only creepy because ve love zu, mein führer!"

"Heil Christian!"

"O...K..."

* * *

**(Bathroom confessionals)**

**Alejandro** – OK, when they told us we had to destroy a giant robot as our immunity challenge I was a bit less than happy, since this was not the kind of thing I could manipulate my way around but I wasn't nervous since I knew there was no way I was getting eliminated. My biggest concern instead was making sure that Noah didn't get the immunity.

* * *

"Come out, Juden kinder!" Robot Hitler called out. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just going to racially purify you with paint!"

"OK, we need a plan to take down that robot." Noah muttered.

The bookworm was hiding behind a set of crates, along with Owen and Bridgette. The Reichbot was standing in the middle of the courtyard, patrolling so as to not allow any of the contestants to leave the castle.

"Maybe we could use some of the weapons that were inside the main building." Owen suggested.

"That could work, but we'd need some kind of distraction to get past Hitler and into the place." Noah said.

"What kind of distraction could we use?" Bridgette asked.

The bookworm clasped his chin with his pointer finger and thumb and began to ponder the situation. He peered over the crates to see the giant robot's control booth spin about, looking for targets; then the bookworm looked at Owen and then at Bridgette and came up with a plan.

"I have a distraction we could use." Noah proclaimed.

"What is it?" Bridgette asked.

Seconds later, Noah and Owen picked up Bridgette and threw her several feet into the courtyard. The blonde landed on her face, letting out a squeal of pain before getting up and yelling to her treacherous hiding partners.

"Hey! No fair, guys!"

She turned around when the gigantic shadow of a huge robot was cast over her.

"Oh crap."

"Racial scum, prepare to be – wait a minute..."

A small robot tentacle arm popped out of the robot's hull and reached out for Bridgette, picking her up and raising her up to the control booth's glass semi-sphere. Robot Hitler (who looked like the other robots but wearing the classical "Hitler outfit", along with the painted on mustache and the silly hair-do) looked closely at Bridgette.

"Wait a minute, you're not racial scum. You're a white, green-eyed, blonde-haired girl with childbearing hips." Robot Hitler exclaimed.

"Um...thanks?"

"I have no bone to pick with you."

The robotic arm lowered the surfer girl to the ground and let her go.

"Your run along now, little Aryan girl." Robot Hitler commanded gently.

"OK...Thanks, Hitler."

"You're welcome."

The giant robot continued patrolling the main courtyard while Bridgette walked over to the giant hole on the front of the main building. Once inside she quickly found Noah and Owen digging through the crates of weaponry to find something they could use to fight the giant Reichbot and take down Robot Hitler. Never thought I'd type that.

"Oh Bridgette, you're still alive. Good." Noah commented callously.

"Did you know he was going to let me go because I'm blonde?" Bridgette asked.

"I figured it was a possibility, however slim." Noah replied.

"And if he didn't let me go?"

"We would have honored you as a brave fallen heroine in the line of duty." The bookworm replied.

"That isn't funny."

"Am I laughing?"

The blonde surfer girl shot Noah and angry glared but the bookworm simply smiled a snarky smile and continued digging through a crate.

"Forgive and forget. Now come on, help us find something to take down that robot."

"Fine."

"Hey Noah, I think I found something!" Owen exclaimed. "Come look!"

The bookworm and the blonde went over to where Owen was calling from and checked out his discovery.

"OK, I think this will do nicely." Noah said, smirking.

* * *

Outside, Cody peered over the side of one of the castle walls at the giant Reichbot that was looking over the main courtyard in search of victims.

"OK Cody, if you could outrun those Nazi robots then you can do this." The geek muttered. "Just smash the glass with the rock and then smash Robot Hitler with the rock."

The dork took a heavy breath and waited for the giant Reichbot to get close enough to the wall he was on. Inch by inch the robot got nearer until it was just at the right spot. Soaking up all his courage, the geek gave out a squeaky and girly war cry before jumping over the edge and landing on top of the Reichbot's control booth glass dome. Clutching a big rock he'd grabbed from the wall, Cody began to smash it against the glass.

Inside the cockpit, Robot Hitler heard a small annoying noise, like a fly swatting itself against a window. A futile beating against a force it could not bear nor trespass. After a brief metaphorical contemplation, Robot Hitler realized the noise was coming from above him and looked up to see some little brat hitting his precious glass dome with a rock.

"Friggin Juden kinder!" Robot Hitler exclaimed in annoyance before pressing a button on his control console.

The robotic tentacle arm popped out of the side of the robot and reached for the top of the dome, picking up a surprised Cody and hurling him across the air, outside the castle. Robot Hitler took hold of the controls and aimed with the Reichbot's cannon arm, carefully calculating the shot before firing. The giant blast of paint tore through the air and impacted directly against Cody, propelling him further until he finally crashed into the snow, drenched in pain and covered in aching spots.

Much to his horror, the Reichbot broke through the front of the castle and began to close in on him, determined to harm him further for leaving a small crack on the top of the glass dome. Curdling into fetal position in horror, Cody waited for more paint to be shot onto him.

"Hey Hitler!"

Robot Hitler stopped the robot and turned around, Cody looked up and both saw an approaching combat jeep with Noah driving, Bridgette on shotgun with a rocket launcher and Owen in the back with a mounted machine gun.

"Take this!" Bridgette yelled.

The blonde aimed the bazooka and fired, launching a rocket pod towards the robot that struck it right in the torso. The explosion of paint sprayed the whole torso along with some of the coxis and the glass dome while effectively knocking the robot back a few paces before Owen began to shoot at it with the machine gun, riddling it full of paint all over as the fat guy fired indiscriminately at whatever part of the robot he could target.

The big damn heroes moment was over pretty quickly, as Robot Hitler regained his composure after the initial attack and activated the missile launch system. A cubed capsule popped out of the robot's side and launched a pod rocket straight for the jeep, hitting it smack in the front bumper. The explosion flipped the car over in the air, launching its three occupants into the snow before crashing upside down, forming a sort of ramp because the front got buried under a small mound of snow while the back was hoisted up by the mounted machine gun.

"Well, that was a miserable failure..." Noah muttered after getting up.

"What do we do now?" Owen asked, still a bit stunned.

"We run for our fu/_bleep_/king lives, Owen." Noah responded coolly.

After that Noah, Owen and Bridgette ran forward screaming as the Reichbot began to chase them, firing its main cannon, its minigun and its missiles at them.

"Try to turn mein own troops' technology against me, huh, mein lieblings?!" Robot Hitler yelled. "Well, now I'm going to turn your own heads into self-buttplugs!"

Noah ran for his life, almost entirely certain that paint-filled doom was inevitable, but wanting to postpone it for as long as he could because, well, because common sense. Trudging clumsily through the snow, he could feel the paint shots missing him narrowly, at one point getting knocked forward and almost toppled by a paint missile that landed close and sprayed his back with red paint.

He looked back and saw that Owen was falling behind, his breathing heavy and his movements tired and decelerating.

"Owen, pick it up, buddy!" Noah yelled.

"I can't, buddy...I canAAAAAAH!"

The fat boy was knocked down as a paint missile struck him in the back and exploded, drenching him in paint and toppling him definitely. However, Robot Hitler wasn't done and began to fire continuously with his paint minigun at Owen's butt.

"Oh Great Sir Walter Scott, the horror!" Owen yelled in pain. "At least fire at some other place besides my butt! It's getting really sore!"

"OWEN!" Noah yelled.

Robot Hitler stopped firing at Owen and turned his attention to Noah, aiming at him with the minigun.

"Oh crap."

The bookworm shielded his face, expecting the powerful force of a blast of paint to knock him backward and drown him in possibly toxic chemical colorants. Instead, he was knocked forward as Courtney rushed past on a BMW motorcycle decorated with Nazi insignia. Robot Hitler was rather stunned, as the motorcycle driving girl came out of nowhere. He hastily shot a missile at her but his aim was off due to the hurried targeting of the shot and Courtney easily dodged it before returning to her straight travel course towards the overturned jeep. Robot Hitler tried to fire a minigun blast at her but she had already reached the jeep, using it as an improvised ramp to launch off into the air.

"Oh Scheiße." Robot Hitler muttered.

What followed was a sequence of awesome events. Courtney leapt off the bike in mid-air. The bike smashed through the reinforced glass of the Reichbot's control booth. The bike slammed into Robot Hitler and knocked him backwards. Both the bike and Robot Hitler smashed through the glass in the back of the booth before landing in the snow below. Finally, Courtney landed in the snow on the other side of the robot, rolled over her shoulder to avoid the most crash damage and then stood up in a badass pose.

"You stupid little girl!" Robot Hitler yelled angrily as he got up off the snow. "You think that knocking me out of my robot is going to beat me. Well, forget about it, you little strudel esser. I know my fisticuffs!"

Robot Hitler raised up his fists and took on a fighting stance while hopping from side to side and throwing punches in the air.

"I used to give speeches in bars in Munich! If they didn't like what you were saying, it was a battle to the death! Now come on! Have at thee! Have at..."

Courtney roundhouse kicked Robot Hitler in the face, knocking his head clean off his body and throwing it twenty feet across the air.

"Arggh... Scheiße...my only regret is that I didn't wear...tinier short shorts..." Robot Hitler's head muttered before shutting down.

Robot Hitler's body collapsed on the snow and the Reichbot's right legs gave out, causing the giant robot to fall on its side. Then it exploded while Courtney stood in the foreground in a badass pose without looking back at the explosion.

"Courtney wins the challenge! We are so putting that last shot in the episode's promo." Chris muttered to the German brothers. "It's gonna make people think the episode is more action packed than the paintball shooting turd it really was."

"Zat is ze most brilliant marketing strategy I've ever heard off, herr Christian!" Hans proclaimed.

"Come here, let me give zu a congratulation kiss!" Gruber added.

"Stay away from me or I'll tase you..."

"If zat is vat you vant, mein führer."

"I vant to f/_bleep_/ck you, mein führer."

"OK, that's it!"

Seconds later, both German brothers were shoved off the helicopter, falling into the nearby forest, tumbling through several trees before hitting the snow.

"Ve vill find zu again, mein führer!"

"Ve love zu!"

"All contestants get back to the Jumbo Jet for take off!" Chris announced from the helicopter. "And do it fast, before those German freaks get back!"

* * *

"For the last time, we can't vote for Courtney!" Alejandro exclaimed.

"Why not?" Duncan growled back.

"Because she has immunity. It's like throwing your vote away." Heather answered. "Are you really that thick."

The Unholy Trio were in the cargo deck of the Jumbo Jet, shadily discussing their evil scheme to eliminate the biggest threat to them.

"Hey Queenie, don't get on my nerves!"

"What are you gonna do, huh? Hit me? You don't have the balls...or at least not since Courtney smashed them..."

"You bit..."

"Hey, keep it cool you two! We're on the same team here!" Alejandro interrupted. "Now it's settled...we vote for Noah."

"Fine." Duncan grumbled.

"However, there's eight of us so we need more people on our side. That's why I invited somebody over. Come in, Owen." Alejandro announced.

The fat boy entered the cargo hold.

"So...where's the cake?" Owen asked, excited.

"There's no cake, Owen." Duncan said.

"So, the cake is a lie?"

"That joke is a thousand years old!" Heather groaned. "Now sit down."

Owen did as told and sat next to Alejandro.

"Owen, I'll be blunt here. We want to eliminate Noah."

"What?! Why would you do that to my Little Buddy?!" Owen cried out.

"Because he's the biggest threat to our victory and we're playing a game of thrones here." Alejandro stated, matter of fact. "Friendship doesn't stand in the way of victory."

"I can't help you with that..." Owen stated, decided.

"We don't need your help, Owen." Alejandro half-lied. "We can kick him out on our own. What we're doing here is giving you a chance at actually winning this. If you side with us and vote off Noah, we'll take you far into the game. Past Cody, Courtney and Bridgette. If you don't, we guarantee that you'll be the next to be eliminated."

"Oh..."

"Noah's already gone, Owen. He wouldn't want you to go with him. Now do the right thing and save yourself. There's no need to sacrifice yourself for a lost cause." Alejandro told the fat boy wickedly. "Think about that."

Owen got up and walked away, actually thinking over the trio's evil offer.

"We've got him." Alejandro chuckled.

* * *

**(Bathroom voting confessionals)**

**Courtney** – /_Angrily stamps a passport_/

**Duncan** – /_Stamps a passport_/ I know I'm supposed to vote for Noah, but this is about principles!

**Bridgette** – /_Looks over the passports insecurely and finally stamps one_/

**Noah** – /_Stamps a passport with certainty_/ Explanation not required.

**Alejandro** – /_Stamps a passport with certainty_/ It was a good duel, but only one of us can win and hey, I'd rather it be me.

**Heather** – /_Stamps a passport with certainty_/

**Owen **– /_Stamps a passport hesitantly_/ I hope I'm doing the right thing...

**Cody** – /_Stamps a passport_/

* * *

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to one of the most tense Total Drama elimination ceremonies of all time!" Chris exclaimed, holding a ballot box.

The cast was in the elimination deck with a rather excited Chris.

"Once again, for dramatic effect, I'm not going to hand out barf bags but instead I'm going to read out who voted for who." Chris said.

The cast suddenly got very tense.

"First one up is Duncan." Chris said. "And he voted for...Courtney. Unsurprising."

The bad boy peered over at Courtney and gave her the finger. She replied with an insulting forearm jerk.

"Duncan, you were supposed to vote for Noah!" Alejandro whispered angrily.

"You said we could eliminate Noah easily, so I just voted for Miss Prissy to spite her." Duncan replied.

"I was lying. Without your vote I'm actually endangered here!" Alejandro mumbled in fury.

"Oh...crap..."

"Next is our big winner, Courtney." Chris stated. "Courtney voted for...Alejandro. That's actually a bit surprising."

The Spaniard turned over to the hispanic girl and looked at her quizzically.

"Noah made a very good argument about why you presented a bigger threat than my stupid ex-boyfriend who thinks the Cold War was a brand competition between the Slurpee and Icee corporations." Courtney justified herself.

"Anyhow. Our next voter is Noah." Chris announced. "I'm betting he voted for Alejandro."

The host pulled out a passport from the ballot box and looked at it.

"I guessed right. So it's two votes for Alejandro and one for Courtney. Now I'm going to grab Alejandro's passport. Now it's two votes for Alejandro, one for Courtney and one for Noah." Chris announced.

Alejandro and Noah looked at each other aggressively.

"I bet that if I pull out Heather's it'll be two votes for Noah." Chris said while pulling another passport out. "Hey, what do you know? I was right. Two for Alejandro, two for Noah and one for Courtney."

The angry stares between the two deadly rivals turned more heated.

"The next is Bridgette's passport and she voted for...Noah. Following the footsteps of the boyfriend, I see." Chris proclaimed.

"Also, it was kind of mean when he threw me in front of the giant Robot Hitler." Bridgette added. "Sorry Noah, but that was pretty uncool."

"Don't worry, I feel more sorry for you." Noah replied. "You're dating the Bizarro Evil Zorro."

"Hey, that's racist!" Alejandro proclaimed.

"It's not racist if it's against Europeans." Noah replied.

"Enough!" Chris stopped them. "You're breaking the tense aura I'm trying to create, dudes! Next vote! It's from Owen..."

Tension struck again as Alejandro, Noah, Heather and Duncan all stared at Owen, who was sweating, shaking and mumbling.

"...Owen voted for..."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"...Alejandro."

"I'm sorry Al, but my Little Buddy means a lot more to me than a million dollars!" Owen yelled in a panic as soon as his vote was read out.

"You made your choice, Owen. Now you gotta deal with the consequences." Alejandro said.

"Why?" Noah asked, curious.

"We told your Chubby Buddy there to vote against you or else he'd be next." Alejandro said threateningly. "He was stupid enough to be loyal."

"Al, that's awful!" Bridgette scolded him. "You can't do that to two friends!"

"It's part of the competition, Bridge." Alejandro said, coldly. "Some underhanded methods are inevitable."

Bridgette stared at her boyfriend in disbelief. She was genuinely surprised by the coldness and the cruelty of what he'd just said. She didn't know how to answer so she just sat down in stunned silence.

"Thanks for sticking by me, Chubby Buddy." Noah told Owen, smiling.

"You're welcome, Little Buddy!" Owen replied, pulling Noah into a large bear hug. "Guess we'll see each other in the loser's deck soon..."

"Not necessarily, Owen." Noah said. "The vote is tied three to three and the only vote left is Cody. He doesn't much like Alejandro, so..."

"Actually, he voted against you." Chris cut in.

"Say what?"

"Sorry Noah." Cody apologized nervously. "But he promised to take me to the final three."

"That's right Noah...you're eliminated!" Chris exclaimed happily. "You're gone!"

"Jesus, really?" Noah muttered, facepalming. "Cody, you were supposed to be the smart one. Alejandro played you. Like he's playing Duncan..."

The bad boy growled at him.

"...like he's playing Heather..."

The mean girl flipped him off.

"...and like he's playing Bridgette. Like he played every last person on this show."

The bookworm sighed.

"Fine. This endeavour was doomed from the start anyway. Kind of like Mitt Romney's election bid." Noah muttered.

"What?"

"You know, Mitt Romney's attempt at the presidential nomination in 2008, which he lost against John McCain because he didn't stand a chance. Not the 2012 election bid because that hasn't happened yet, since this story's set in 2010." Noah replied.

"Stop breaking the fourth wall and grab your parachute." Chris said.

"Fine."

The bookworm grabbed his parachute and walked over to the door.

"Owen, thanks for sticking by me. You're the best person in this entire goddamn show." Noah stated.

"Thanks, Little Buddy!"

"You're welcome, Chubby Buddy. Everybody else...you're doomed and you deserve it. Bye."

With those words, Noah leaped out the elimination deck's door, leaving the game for good.

"What a jerk?" Duncan muttered.

"Yeah." Everybody but Owen agreed.

"What an interesting episode!" Chris proclaimed. "With robots, paintball shooting Nazis and Hitler riding a giant mechanic monster, I think it's time to officially declare that we've jumped the shark on this show. But who cares?! You people are still gonna keep watching, no matter how silly it gets! Will Owen be able to survive without his Little Buddy? Will Courtney and Duncan continue to duke it out beyond reason? Will Bridgette ever see Alejandro's true colours? Find out in the next episode of Total...Drama... _Woooooorld Touuuuuuur_!"

* * *

**Votes:**

Duncan – Courtney

Courtney – Alejandro

Noah – Alejandro

Alejandro – Noah

Heather – Noah

Bridgette – Noah

Owen – Alejandro

Cody – Noah

...

Noah – 4

Alejandro – 3

Courtney – 1

* * *

**Whoo! This one took a while! Sorry for the delay.**

**Please review.**

**Gracias Totales,  
Mr. Panama Red.**


	15. The Aftermath III

**Chapter 15:**** The Aftermath III**

The Total Drama Aftermath intro music plays as the show's display card flashes on the screen before showing a series of highlights from the season:

...

"Now, for your challenge we'll have to meet outside Buckingham palace." Chris announced. "Which you'll probably take a while to get to since the bridge is about to open and you're on the side which doesn't lead to the palace."

"What?" The contestants asked in general unison.

Just after their inquiry, the drawbridge began to open, rising up in the two separate sides that composed it. The contestants screamed as the bridge reached full vertical position to allow a ship to pass under it and at the same time throwing them off in a steep fall to the concrete street behind the bridge.

...

"I'm gonna make custard tartlets out of your centrifugal bumblepuppies!" Jack The Ripper screamed as he chased Owen and Noah down one of the halls of the floors of the infamous Tower of London.

The Ripper was wearing a long overcoat that was covered in several bladed weapons, ranging from knives to daggers to scalpels, as well as the machete he was wildly flaying as he chased the two contestants. He also wore black gloves, brown pants, black boots and a ludicrously large top hat that projected a shadow that covered his face entirely.

"What does that mean!" Owen yelled, running and exhausted.

"I'll cut yer balls off!" The Ripper screamed.

"Oh! Thank you very much for the translation!" Owen yelled back.

"Don't thank the guy that's trying to kill us!" Noah yelled.

"Sorry, Little Buddy!"

...

"Where are we?" Gwen asked.

"In the middle of nowhere at the edge of who-knows." Chris' voice called out.

The contestants turned to the voice and saw Chris emerge from the plane wearing a rather crummy cowboy outfit.

"Are you some kind of malfunctioning cowboy?" Heather asked.

"I'm a groucho." Chris said, condescendingly. "Read a book."

"The word is gaucho, Chris." Noah pointed out. "...And you're not. That's a cowboy outfit."

The cast began to giggle at Chris' mistake, who glared at Noah.

...

"Will somebody please let me down?" Gwen yelled.

Gwen was hanging from a lamppost. She yelled once again, but her shout was drowned out by the noise of loud roaring. Out of nowhere, a herd of five cougars burst out into the street, charging towards Alejandro, Bridgette, Owen and Duncan. The vicious mountain lions leapt with every move forward, growling and baring their fangs as they chased the four terrified contestants down the trap-laden street. Meanwhile, the fifth cougar remained behind and contented itself with circling around the hanging Gwen, occasionally growling and taking a small leap towards her but never managing to strike her with its vicious claw.

"On second thought, up here's not so bad..."

...

"What happened? Did we win?" A stunned, semi-conscious Bridgette muttered after washing up to shore.

"No." Gwen groaned. "Duncan threw a shark at you and took the dolphin. I never thought I would ever say that."

"That sucks." Bridgette groaned in pain.

...

As Gwen walked closer to Courtney to calm her down, the brunette slapped her across the face, knocking her to the ground.

"Courtney, what the hell?" Bridgette yelled.

"This slutty, little goth girl and my supposed loving boyfriend were making out in the fu/_bleep_/ing jungle!" Courtney answered.

Silence overcame the entire cast, who couldn't believe the revelation that was just put forward by Courtney.

"Court, it's not what you think it was." Gwen pleaded, getting up.

"Then what the hell was that?!"

"Duncan and I were actually agreeing that having something between us was a bad idea." Gwen answered.

"Right, so you made sure there was nothing between you two by getting real close to him and shoving your lying goth tongue down his throat!" Courtney yelled.

...

"As I was saying...the big entrance was to introduce today's country and challenges." Chris said. "Which will take place in the birthplace of democracy, militarism, pederasty and using sports to show off in a douchey way...Greece!"

"I love that musical!" Owen exclaimed.

"Greece with 'ce' at the end and no 'a'." Noah said, deadpan.

"I love their feta cheese!" Owen corrected himself.

...

"Courtney please..." Gwen said.

"Huh?"

"I can't leave like this." The goth said. "During the first half of the season before Duncan showed up, we got along so well. I'd never had so much fun with a single person before. I know you have a hard time letting go of your pride and forgiving those who hurt you but please..."

The goth stepped closer and Courtney looked away from her with a pained expression.

"I hurt you. What I did with Duncan was wrong. What I did today was wrong but I don't want to keep on doing things wrong. I don't want Duncan anymore. I might have some feelings for him but I don't want him. I want us to be friends again. So please..."

The brunette's lip trembled and her eyes got slightly wet but her head remained turned to the side, not looking at Gwen. As the goth became downcast and prepared to turn and leave, she was suddenly crushed by the prep's arms, which wrapped around her in a powerful hug, which the goth eventually returned.

"I'm sorry." Courtney whispered.

"Don't be."

The girls hugged it about and the contestants awed and cheered at the fluffy sight. That is, until Owen decided to cut in.

"Come on, kiss her!"

Courtney and Gwen stared at the fat boy and the goth scoffed. She turned to look at Courtney and the brunette closed her eyes and began to lean in, until Gwen gave her a little shake to stop her.

"Courtney..." Gwen muttered scoldingly.

"Sorry."

...

The cast was surprised as they were approached by two men wearing fancy Hugo Boss suits that were completely out of place in the mountainous region they were in. The men looked at Chris and immediately raised their right arms in salute.

"Heil, mein führer!" They exclaimed in unison, in ridiculously high-pitched voices and thick German accents. "Brothers Hans und Gruber reporting for duty!"

"Yes. Children, meet Hans and Gruber." Chris said. "Two freaky german dudes we hired to act as guides for today's challenges and whom I just can't get enough of! Isn't that right, boys?"

"Ja, Herr Christian!" They answered in unison.

"I love these guys." Chris said, wrapping his arms around both brothers' shoulders.

"Heil Christian!" They exclaimed in unison, once again raising their right arms.

"...And this show's political correctness just went out the window." Noah remarked.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume we're in Germany." Courtney said.

"Ja Deutschland, ze greatest country in ze verld!" The brothers exclaimed. "Deutschland, vhere mountains stick out of ze ground!"

The cast looked on at the two German brothers in confusion until Chris broke the awkward staring by clearing his throat.

"OK, let's start today's carnage!" Chris exclaimed.

...

"Did you know he was going to let me go because I'm blonde?" Bridgette asked.

"I figured it was a possibility, however slim." Noah replied.

"And if he didn't let me go?"

"We would have honored you as a brave fallen heroine in the line of duty." The bookworm replied.

"That isn't funny."

"Am I laughing?"

...

Once again the Total Drama Aftermath title card appeared as the theme song played and a fade in shot introduced the old Total Drama Aftermath Studio and the cheering crowd applauding the host, Trent.

"Hey guys! Welcome to Total Drama World Tour Aftermath episode 3!" Trent announced. "Now, ever since last time Geoff hasn't been feeling all that well, so I'm stepping in as host of the show until he feels better, kay? Cool."

The audience cheered and Trent turned over to the side.

"Of course, joining me in entertaining you today is the Total Drama Peanut Gallery!" Trent said. "We have Justin!"

The camera turned to the male model, whose ensuing smile was so bright that it actually caused a solar glare in the camera.

"Katie and Sadie!"

The camera turned to the two girls, who promptly squealed and hugged each other.

"Beth!"

The camera turned to the wannabe girl, who waved and said "hi".

"Brady!"

The wannabe's boyfriend pulled her close and smooched her lips.

"Eva!"

The camera switched to the tough girl, who growled at the audience.

"Harold!"

The camera turned to the dork, who gave a karate chopped to the air and posed.

"LeShawna!"

The camera turned to the black girl, who waved at the camera.

"Ezekiel!"

The camera turned to the country boy, who was finally over having been eliminated first from the show for the second time.

"DJ!"

The camera turned to the big Jamaican guy, who was petting his pet Bunny and stopped briefly to wave at the camera.

"Tyler!"

The camera turned to the jock, who gave the air a karate chop but missed and hit himself in the knee, hurting both his knee and his hand.

"And Sierra!"

The fan girl screeched in delight and waved savagely at the camera.

"Tonight both they and I are going to entertain you with Total Drama exclusive interviews with the eliminated contestants." Trent said. "To start things up we have Lindsay! A big round of applause, please!"

Suddenly, the Total Drama Claw lowered itself on the stage with Lindsay sitting atop it, waving and blowing kisses at the audience. Once it reached the interview couch, the blonde girl leaped off it and sat down, delivering a couple last blown kisses before turning to Trent.

"Hey guys!" Lindsay waved. "Hi Trevor, Jason, Candy, Sandy, Beth, Brandy, Ellen, Harriet, Leonore, Zack, TJ, Sarah and Tyler!"

"YES! She remembered my name!" Tyler cheered.

"Am I Harriet?" Harold asked.

"Forget Harriet, who the heck is 'Leonore'?" Justin wondered.

"I think it might be Eva." Beth hypothesised.

"We'll figure it out later, guys." Trent said. "Now I have to interview Lindsay."

"Ooh! I've always wanted to be interviewed!" Lindsay exclaimed, giddily. "My favourite color is pink, my favorite fruit is the strawberry, my favorite number is 17, my favorite animal is the panda bear, my favorite element is chlorine..."

"Lindsay, wait!" Trent interrupted, laughing awkwardly. "The interview's about the show and, you know, your role in it...and stuff..."

"Oh, OK!" Lindsay giggled. "Sorry. Ask me then..."

"OK..."

Trent opened his mouth to ask something but froze. He closed his mouth briefly before opening it again, only to close it once more. He put his pointer finger to this chin, then moving it to his head to scratch it briefly. Finally, he just called out for help.

"Parker! I'm stuck!" He called out to somebody offscreen.

For a few moments nothing happened. Everybody stared offscreen, waiting for something but nothing did. After about thirty seconds of absolute and awkward silence, the Aftermath show's producer, Parker Kovaks, popped her head out of one of the curtains on the left side of the stage and yelled at Trent.

"Turn up the volume on your earpiece so that I can subtly help you if you get stuck, Trent!" Parker yelled in exasperation.

"What? Oh crap, right, the earpiece!" Trent mumbled.

The teen musician reached for his ear and adjusted the volume on his earpiece, allowing him to listen to what was whispered at him through it.

"OK, what do I do?"

"ASK HER ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE ON THE SHOW!" Parker yelled through the earpiece.

"OK! Don't yell, it hurts my ears..."

"I KNOW! NOW GO ON!" Parker yelled. "Christ Trent, I told you about the earpiece fifty times! Like I told you about the new caterers, the loose floorboards and the faulty lighting rig!"

As if on cue, one of the stage's spotlights broke off and fell right next to the Peanut Gallery, missing it by a few inches.

"OK, sorry!" Trent apologized. "I was nervous..."

He turned over to Lindsay, who was still smiling in desperate confusion.

"So...um, Lindsay...Are you sad that you got thrown out so early and, you know, stuff?" He asked, mumbling awkwardly.

"Well, it would have been nice to have a million dollars but I was getting pretty tired." Lindsay replied. "Being in challenges all over the world is soooo tiring! And the jet leg is totally bad for your forehead. It totally gives you wrinkles."

"It does?!" Katie asked in surprise.

"I told you we should have travelled here by train!" Sadie moaned.

"You know I can't stand train toilets!" Katie retorted. "They're icky!"

"Well, it's more icky to have trenches running across your forehead whenever you lift your eyebrows!" Sadie replied.

"If somebody's getting forehead trenches it's you!"

"What did you just say?!"

"You heard me, future trench forehead!"

"Oh, that's it!"

Sadie flung herself on top of Katie and the two BFFF's began to fight each other in your everyday rolling around the floor, pulling at each other's hair fashion with the other members of the Peanut Gallery trying to pull them apart until a shotgun blast stilled the entire studio. From the right backstage area emerged a tall bald, square-jawed pale man wearing a red shirt with a dark blue apron, black pants and black boots. He was carrying a shotgun that he had just fired into the air. This was Vlad, the Aftermath Head of Security.

"No fighting on the set." The Russian man muttered in a deep, menacing bass.

Katie and Sadie nodded before slowly getting away from each other and sitting back down in their spots on the Peanut Gallery, all without breaking terrified eye contact with the scary, scar head of security.

"Thanks Vlad." Trent spoke.

"You're welcome." Vlad replied, turning towards Trent.

The head of security appeared confused for a second and then spoke up.

"Oh, you're hosting now? What happened to the grammatically challenged blonde party boy?" Vlad asked.

"He's in a hospital...I mean, in his house resting...Yeah." Trent answered awkwardly. "Crap."

"O...K. While I'm here, I might as well tell you. I have reason to suspect somebody has broken into the set." Vlad warned.

"What? Why?"

"I found a window that somebody had forced open from outside and tried to close again." Vlad explained. "Nearby, I also found this shoe."

The tall security chief reached into his pocket and extracted a ruby red high-heeled shoe.

"Who do you think it could be?" Trent asked.

"Given by the tacky shoe, I'd say a Judy Garland cosplayer." Vlad replied. "I'll continue searching for the possible intruder."

"Sure, you do that." Trent said, sighing.

The musician turned back to the camera as the head of security departed.

"OK, this hasn't been going so well." He muttered. "OK, start afresh. So Lindsay, do you feel like you feel like you got any new experiences out of this season? Anything that made it all worthwhile maybe?"

"Totally! When we were in France, the reward night was so awesome!" Lindsay squealed.

"So you enjoyed your romantic Parisian date with Tyler?" Trent asked.

"No, the shopping, silly! I got the cutest little black Gucci dress and the smokingiest red Chanel and all at a discount because we're all famous now!" Lindsay answered.

"Hey!" Tyler called out from the Peanut Gallery.

"Hey Tyler!" Lindsay waved at her boyfriend, misinterpreting his anguished cry's significance.

"Linds!" Tyler exclaimed, still annoyed.

"Tyler!" The blonde replied, oblivious still.

"Linds!"

"Tyler!"

"Linds!"

"Tyler!"

"Linds!"

"Tyler!"

"Li-"

Tyler squeaked in pain as Eva clutched his throat and growled in his face.

"Say that again and I'll...I'll...I'm not at sarcastic quips but if you do that again I'm really going to hurt you!" Eva threatened him.

"Kay..." Tyler squeaked.

The tough girl released Tyler's throat and the jock choked briefly before regaining his breath.

"How could you say that?!" Tyler whined.

"What?" Lindsay asked, genuinely confused.

"That shopping was better than that really, really romantic date we had in Paris!" He replied. "I mean, come on! It was Pairs! The, like, most romantic city on Earth! If that wasn't romantic enough to make you like it more than shopping, I don't know why I bother!"

"Oooh, Tyler." Lindsay apologized. "I didn't mean it like that. Come over here."

The jock reluctantly got off his seat and walked over to his blonde girlfriend, who immediately pulled him into a searing kiss and then unintentionally hugged him to her chest.

"I'm sorry, Ty." She apologized again. "Can you forgive me?"

"Forgiven." Tyler exclaimed, face happily buried in her chest.

"Yay!" She exclaimed, hugging him tighter to her bosom.

"Yay!" He replied.

As the audience and the Peanut Gallery began to get uncomfortable with the scene, a powerful spray from a hose showered both teens in cold water. Those present turned to the left stage wing to see Vlad the security chief holding a hose.

"The pale producer woman asked me to intervene." Vlad explained himself. "She said we had to keep this PG-13."

"Agreed." Trent told him.

The security chief nodded and departed as a soaked Tyler returned to his seat, shivering heavily as he caught the majority of the water.

"OK Lindsay, it looks like we have a video caller for you." Trent said.

The big screen that hung below the interviewer couch buzzed with static before displaying the image of a girl who looked almost identical to Lindsay, except a bit older looking and with brown hair. She wore more sensible clothing and had a pair of bulky horn-rimmed glasses.

"Hey Paula!" Lindsay waved.

"Hey sis." The woman on the screen waved back enthusiastically.

"And who are you?" Trent asked, apparently not picking up the brief exchange.

"I'm Paula, Lindsay's older sister." The woman answered. "Duh."

"Sorry, I'm new at this." Trent apologized.

"No need to apologize, Trent."

"How do you know my name?"

"Um...I watch the show...Duh."

"Sorry. I'm _really _new at this."

"Go figure."

"So why are you calling, sis?" Lindsay asked.

"I figured I'd tell you that your acceptance letter came in from Grand Province University." Paula replied.

"Wait a minute!" LeShawna interrupted. "Grand Province University as in Grand Province University the moderately prestigious college?"

"That same moderately prestigious one?"

"So Lindsay managed to not just get into an actual, non-special ed college but into one that's...well, moderately above average." Justin asked, bewildered.

"Your confusion is understandable but it will all be clarified when I explain to you the infamous Gauthier XX Gene." Paula replied. "All Gauthier women start out like Lindsay..."

"Hot, stacked and free from the constraints of thought?"

The audience and the people on stage turned stage right to see Noah's head poking out from behind the curtains.

"Noah, you're not on yet." Trent told him.

"I know but I was watching the show from the Green room and you people missed so many easy sardonic remarks that I had to come in." Noah explained. "It's sad, really. How you can just waste opportunities to belittle other people like that."

"You want me to call Vlad?" Trent asked, rhetorically.

"Tall, scary russian dude?"

"The same."

"I'll be good."

With that, Noah vanished back into the backstage area. Paul cleared her throat and continued.

"Anyway..." Paul resumed. "In Layman's terms, yes, we all started out with a lightheaded coefficient that might be classified as 'airheaded' but, as we go into our 20's we suddenly face a calamitous IQ increase. By the time we're 26, most of us have surpassed 180 on the standard IQ scale."

"So in less than ten years...Lindsay's going to be a genius?" Beth asked, understandably bewildered.

"BULLSH/_BLEEP_/T!"

"Noah, I told you to go back to the green room!" Trent yelled.

"FINE!"

"I told you guys I was smart." Lindsay exclaimed, pretty immersed in self-satisfaction.

"You're not smart Linds, you're _going_ to be smart." Beth corrected.

"And, like, what's the difference?"

"Well, for one, the ability to tell the difference between 'now' and 'later'." Justin remarked snarkily.

"Hey, that's my girlfriend you're snarking at!" Tyler exclaimed angrily.

"That's your girlfriend we've been snarking at for the past ten minutes." Justin answered.

"So?"

"You react very slowly, man."

Tyler stared at Justin, completely lost in his thoughts before these finally came together fifteen seconds later.

"I do not."

"I already said three things after calling you slow."

"Damnit!" Tyler exclaimed twenty seconds later, now apparently to nothing at all.

"Anyway..." Paula muttered, feeling awkward about Tyler's sudden exclamation. "I just wanted to check up on my little sis and tell her about the breaking dawn of her new intellectual capability."

"And I bet it's going to be as good and satisfying as the book '_Breaking Dawn_'." Noah yelled from the sidelines.

"Noah!" Trent yelled back. "That's it, I'm calling Vlad."

The musician hit the security button that had been installed on the side of the interviewer couch. Oddly enough, though, a whole minute went by and Vlad the security guard didn't show up. Trent scratched his head.

"Weird. Button must be broken."

"You oughta look after studio property better, Trent."

"What did I tell you before?!"

"To go back to the Green Room, but Parker the producer said I'm up after the commercial break so I should hang around the sidelines for a few minutes." Noah responded. "She also said you needed my sarcastic commentary to get more ratings from the snarky teenager and sassy black woman demographics."

"Fine..." Trent groaned. "So folks, we're gonna go on a brief commercial break and we'll be right back with our second guest. Don't change that channel!"

"Who still says 'don't change that channel'?"

"Shut up, Noah."

* * *

The screen shows two children sitting at a table, a brother and sister. Both look bored and tired.

"I'm bored." Said the boy.

"And tired." Added the sister.

"Hey kids, are you bored and tired?!" Interrupted an edgy-sounding narrator.

"Yeah!"

"Well, we here at Aperture Science have the solution for you!"

The screen flashes to reveal a football-sized metal box with an antenna sticking out of its side and a big, red button on top of it.

"Introducing the new Aperture Science Science Thing!" The narrator exclaimed.

"Wow!" The kids sighed.

"It's fun and easy to use! Just point the Science Thing's science antenna at something, press the red science button and science will happen! Science!"

"Woah!"

"Just watch!"

A disembodied hand appears on screen, holding a Science Thing and points it at the small boy.

"Hey little boy, do you want to know what happens when we replace all your bodily fluids with peanut water?!"

"Do I!"

"Well, here we go!"

The disembodied hand pressed the science button on the Science Thing and immediately the little boy screamed in pain and collapsed writhing on the floor, off-screen. The disembodied hand then turned the Science Thing towards the little girl.

"And what about you, little girl? Do you want to know what happens when every last molecule in your entire body is set on fire?"

"Um...actually, I think..."

Ignoring her objection, the disembodied hand pressed the science button once again and immediately the little girl screamed in agony as she was transformed into a hulking mass of blazing fire, which promptly put itself out and vanished into thin air, leaving no trace behind. Afterwards, the disembodied hand set the Science Thing on the floor off-screen and proceeded to give the camera a thumbs-up.

"The new Aperture Science Science Thing! Make physics your bitch!"

"Fucking science!" A brief yell echoed in the background.

* * *

The camera zoomed back into the Aftermath stage as it was before the commercial break, save for the video guest screen now being off.

"And we're back!" Trent announced. "Now we're gonna bring out our second guest for today's show. The one who's been popping in before his cue to deliver unneeded commentary...Noah!"

The audience cheered as the bookworm disinterestedly walked on stage, reading a book. Before he could get to the interviewee couch, the giant robotic studio claw swooped down and lifted him up in the air. The snarker screamed as the claw plopped him down on the couch, just a few feet ahead of where it picked him up.

"Pointless much?" Noah grumbled.

Trent shrugged while hiding a smirk. The bookworm groaned and opened his book once more. Trent groaned.

"So when it's not your turn, you just _have_ to interrupt but as soon as you're up, you start reading." Trent grumbled.

"I don't _have_ to. The situation just presented itself in said way." Noah retorted. "I had input when it wasn't my turn but I don't have any when it is. It's not a pattern or a deliberate action, it's just happenstance."

"O...K..."

Trent stared at Noah briefly. He opened his mouth as if to say something but then closed it. He put his finger to his chin, thinking of what to say. He scratched his head and pulled on his collar, trying to ventilate himself as he got sweaty and nervous.

Noah peeked over his book at the awkward host and sighed.

"You're not very good at this." Noah remarked.

"Hey, it's my first time."

"That excuse sounds like it would justify something else." Noah remarked.

Mumbling came from Trent's earpiece and he pressed his finger to it so he could hear it better.

"What? Oh, yeah. Sure." He responded to the unheard voice.

He turned back to Noah.

"So, what book are you reading?" Trent asked, sounding a bit forced.

"Ionesco's '_The Bald Soprano_', an absurdist play about the futility of human conversation in today's self-absorbed societies." Noah replied bluntly, without looking away from the book.

"You're just going to insist on not talking now?" Trent asked, annoyed.

"I just saw the list of banal, silly questions Parker the clockwork wound producer gave you." Noah replied. "They're not really worth wasting breath. Besides, I don't really care much for sharing the most intimate details of my life with obsessive fans."

"They're not _that_ bad, Noah."

"Says the guy who had a life-sized stuffed doll made in his image by a morosely infatuated fifteen year-old girl."

"Touché. Are you sure there's nothing you want to share with your fans?"

"Not really."

"Well, too bad. We'll tell them for you." Trent snickered. "OK people at home and in the audience, there's somebody we'd like you to meet. Her name is Emily Madison."

"Say what now?" Noah snapped, looking up from his book.

The audience cheered as a pretty-looking girl waked on stage. A rather buxom, pretty-looking girl with dyed-red, shoulder length hair. Her face was 50% bangs, as they almost entirely covered her forehead. Another 25% of her face was decorated by a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and the other 25% was chiefly decorated by bright red lipstick. She wore a thin, open flannel shirt with a white shirt underneath which featured the "fun." logo; hip-hugger jeans and sneakers. Crowning her head was a dark purple headband.

The girl disinterestedly walked over to the interviewee couch and simply sat down next to a surprised Noah.

"Who's that?" Beth asked.

"Emily Madison." The girl answered. "Noah's girlfriend."

A collective gasp poured from the audience and the Peanut Gallery.

"What?" Noah asked. "Is it that hard to believe that I have a girlfriend?"

"A bit." The Peanut Gallery replied in unison.

"Why?"

"Well, we always...kinda...assumed that, you know..." Harold began. "...fought for the other side of the Force."

"I don't know what he meant but I'm pretty sure that _Star Wars_ reference was misused." Emily replied dryly.

"We thought you were gay." Eva said bluntly. "Really gay."

"I think I should probably be offended by that." Noah remarked.

"Yeah, it's not like your effeminate mannerisms dropped them any hints." Emily teased in a sardonic monotone as dry as her boyfriend's.

Loud hooting and laughing erupted from the audience, prompting the bookworm to disgruntedly frown at his girlfriend, who answered with a snarky little smile.

"Anyway, Emily. That's an odd shirt." Trent remarked. "'fun.'...Why is it spelled so weird?"

"It's on purpose. It's the name of an undergound indie pop band...you've probably never heard of them." Emily answered.

"I think the fact that he asked about the logo already clarified that, honey." Noah joked.

"I know. I was just pointing out his ignorance about cool new bands." Emily replied.

"Touché."

"So how did you two end up together?" Trent asked.

"What do you mean by 'end up together'?" Emily counter-asked.

"What? Nothing. Just, well that you are...and he's...I'm really not very good at this..."

"No arguments there, honey."

The people on stage and in the audience turned towards the left end of the stage, from where Blaineley emerged, smiling wickedly and strutting maliciously.

"How did you get in here?" Trent asked, angered. "And why hasn't Vlad kicked you out the second you walked on stage like he always does?"

"Because he's a bit busy...hanging out." Blaineley replied, while gesturing upwards.

"But Vlad never leaves while on the job. That doesn't sound like him." Trent said.

"No, you don't get it." Blaineley said, now gesturing upwards more overtly. "He's a bit tied up at the moment."

"Odd. Vlad never lets a situation get the best of him."

"No. Christ." Blaineley groaned.

The blonde former hostess began straight out pointing upwards.

"He's just a bit strung up."

"But why?"

"Because I tied him up to the Total Drama Claw hanging above you and you are really bad at taking hints!" Blaineley yelled.

The host musician looked upwards to see that, indeed, Vlad the security guard, as well as Parker the producer, were tied to the support pole of the Total Drama Aftermath Claw.

"How the hell did you... ? Never mind." Trent groaned. "I'm getting them down and you're getting out of here right now!"

"Oh Trent, you silly little boy:" Blaineley snickered as she approached the hosting couch. "You think I would come out here in the open and reveal all I've done without a plan?"

Blaineley reached under the hem of her dress to extract something that had been strapped to her leg. Afterwards, she displayed the retrieved item to the camera. Said item was a small white cylinder with a red button on top and a corporate logo on the side. The logo belonged to Aperture Science Incorporated.

A collective gasp permeated the audience and those on-stage, most of whom ducked for cover at the sight of the device.

"What? What's that?" Asked a rather confused Ezekiel.

"No idea, but it's got the Aperture Science logo on it." Harold answered.

"So?"

"If Aperture Science made it, then you know it's going to kill somebody as soon as you turn it on." Noah replied.

"Exactly and if you people don't want me to use this...thing on any of you, you'll have to do as I say." Blaineley threatened.

"OK! OK! What do you want?" Trent asked, poking his head out from behind the interviewee couch.

"Hmm..."

Blaineley sat down on the interviewer's couch and pondered for a second.

"You know, I think it's best if we cut to commercial because there's a few rearrangements that have to be made here before we can start _my _new show." Blaineley snickered. "Don't go away folks..._I'll _be right back."

* * *

A CG planet earth appears on the screen, rotating quickly. Meanwhile, the intro to the Foo Fighters song "_Everlong_" plays in the background for a few seconds and afterwards a narrator begins speaking.

"Next Friday on NBC, don't miss a new episode of '_Late Night Snark with Daria and Jane_', hosted by Jane Lane and Daria Morgendorffer!"

The screen transitions to now-adults Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane sitting side-by-side in comfortable looking chairs on a TV studio.

"Don't miss our next show, Friday at 10, where we'll be interviewing a chipmunk that somehow learned to sing." Daria greets the audience in her traditional monotone voice.

"I thought we were interviewing Miley Cyrus." Jane snarks.

"Same thing." Daria replies.

"Additionally, she'll be performing her new song '_Party Cliché_'." Jane adds.

"Isn't it '_Party in the USA_'?" Daria asks, rhetorically.

"Because adding '_In the USA_' to the end of your song title for no reason is a very original idea." Jane retorts.

"Touché."

The screen transitions to a new CG screen featuring Daria and Jane's pictures side-by-side with the NBC logo above them and their show's title beneath them.

"'_Late Night Snark with Daria and Jane_' featuring guests Miley Cyrus, Quentin Tarantino and former president Bill Clinton! This Friday at 10 on NBC!"

* * *

The screen faded back into the Aftermath logo and then flash-cut to the Aftermath Studio, where Blaineley now sat at the interviewer's couch, holding the Aperture Science device in one hand and the Aftermath stage remote control on the other. On the same couch was also Trent, but unlike Blaineley, he had his torso chained to the couch. Similarly, both the former contestants in the interviewee couch and the Peanut Gallery had been chained to their seats.

"And we're back! I'm Blaineley Stacey Andrews O'Halloran and this is Total Drama Aftermath!" Blaineley announced. "The show where I'll drill the juicy, juicy stories out of the former Total Drama contestants and show those ungrateful hacks at Celebrity Manhunt..."

"...And the Canadian Mental Institute..." Noah interrupted.

"...how it's done! Hey!" Blaineley yelled.

"You wanted Drama." Emily responded. "We can think of no better drama than a formerly succesful TV personality snapping and taking an entire studio hostage to delay her inevitable fall into obscurity."

"I am not 'formerly succesful'!" Blaineley countered.

"Said the woman who had to kidnap an entire TV crew and audience to appear in front of a camera." Noah retorted.

"Hey! It's not my fault that executive hacks don't recognize my true talent for breaking down celebrities!"

"A talent so extensive that it's allowed us to break you down for the past two minutes and would have allowed us to keep breaking you down if I hadn't pointed it out just now." Emily chimed in.

"SHUT UP!" Blaineley snapped. "YOU ARE NOT BREAKING ME DOWN!"

"We got her screaming in less than three minutes. I don't know if we're getting better at annoying people or if she's just too predictable." Emily told her boyfriend.

"Bit of both, I suppose." Noah answered.

"OK..." Blaineley sighed, trying to regain her composure. "Let's start again...You didn't break me down, though, you...you just caught me in a disadvantageous position."

"The position where we're chained to a couch and you're threatening our lives." Noah snarked.

"SHUT UP! I ask the questions here! I have the gadgety-thingy that'll do God knows what if I press the button so I'm in control here!"

Emily and Noah both opened their mouthes to retort sarcastically but the terrified head shaking of both Trent and the Peanut Gallery dissuaded them.

"Good..." Blaineley sighed. "I'm glad you remembered who's in charge here. Now let's start."

The "hostess" sat down on the interviewer's couch once again.

"So, Emily, going back on Trent's amateurish question from behind the break, how did you and Noah end up together?" Blaineley asked.

"We wound up together at the library." Emily answered.

"In the library? A pretty girl like you?"

"I'm not even going to dignify that idiocy with a response."

"Even if you met him at the library, what possessed you to date him? I mean you are way out of his league, a pretty girl like you with a pair like yours." Blaineley said, making a rather rude gesture centered around the torso.

At Blaineley's comment, the audience cheered and hooted like hungry wolves.

"They're actually siding with her?" Emily muttered to her boyfriend.

"They're a studio audience. They're savages." Noah replied.

The red-haired girl rolled her eyes and turned back to Blaineley.

"I don't know how yours work, Blaineley, but my endowments don't drain my brainpower." Emily replied. "So having them doesn't make me want to not date a smart, funny guy who's almost as good as me at snarking people into the ground."

"Um...excuse me." Noah chimed in. "Almost as good as you?"

"Come on, honey. Let's be real here." Emily answered.

"Said Edison to Tesla." Noah retorted.

"No, with us it's more like us Schopenhauer and Nietzsche."

"Again with that crap, Emily?"

"Wait, what?" Blaineley interrupted. "Are they arguing? Is it juicy? Hey, eggheads, explain what you're fighting about and be as raunchy and dramatic as possible."

"It's the same argument we had the day we met and the same argument we've been having every other week since." Emily answered.

"_She_ likes to belittle my Nietzschean convictions as a rehash of Schopenhauer's theories." Noah added. "Despite the fact that Nietzsche elaborated on so many more things than Schopenhauer ever did and did so a lot better. I personally think that she only belittles Nietzsche's theories because she knows their right, but she's too stubborn to admit the petty Benthamian utilitarianism she's been espousing for so long is wrong."

"Oh bullsh/_bleep_/t, Noah." Emily growled. "Maximum happiness for the majority is the best moral system and don't even think about throwing the 'majority convenient sacrifice' argument at me because I've already told you why it's not valid."

"It is valid and Bentham was full of crap." Noah argued. "If you're going to be a utilitarian at least go with John Stuart Mill. He was at least trying to put that flawed mess of a moral code to realistic standards."

"Oh, because syphilitic, mentally deranged Nietzsche's moral standards were realistic." Emily countered.

"He wrote '_The Genealogy of Morality_' before he went crazy! And his analysis of master-slave moralities was flawless." Noah retorted.

"Is anyb'oody else understanding anything they're saying?" Ezekiel asked, bewildered.

The Peanut Gallery shook their heads in unison while staring at the bickering intellectual couple in utter confusion.

"Good, then it's not just me."

"It appears we have reached an impasse." Noah proposed.

"So it seems."

"Neither of us can persuade the other that their reasoning is incorrect because we depart from different and irreconcilable premises."

"Logically, there's no way to meet in the middle."

"So you're going to break up?!" Blaineley asked in excitement.

"What? No." Both Emily and Noah replied in unison.

"But, but...why not? You two were just saying that you couldn't meet in the middle and that there were irreconcilable differences!" Blaineley exclaimed in surprise.

"In our philosophical thought process." Noah replied.

"Not agreeing on an intellectual discussion isn't a reason to end a relationship." Emily continued. "It's what makes the relationship interesting...well, that and sheer physical chemistry."

"A break-up brought on by an intellectual discrepancy is the kind of crappy contrivance you'd expect from a bad TV writer." Noah added. "Just like a break-up brought on by a sudden, inexplicable personality shift. Like if a person suddenly became obsessed with a number or became a compulsive lawsuit filer. It's the kind of idiocy that only bad writers could come up with and that doesn't happen in real life."

"In all fairness, break-ups might be brought on by ideological discrepancies in real life." Emily pointed out.

"Yes, but it would be very silly to end an intrapersonal commitment based on an extrapersonal, intellectual reason."

"Agreed."

"Stop the smarty-smart talk!" Blaineley yelled in anger. "It's not good television!"

"Smarty-smart talk?" Noah snickered.

"You two are awful guests! It's impossible to get any material out of you!"

"Maybe you're just a bad host." Noah proposed.

"I AM A BRILLIANT HOST!"

"Which is why you got fired and had to stage a mass kidnapping to get on TV again." Emily countered.

"That's it! We're upping the ante here!" Blaineley yelled, standing up. "We're gonna play everybody's favorite Aftermath game! _Truth or Kick to the Kiwis_!"

"Blaineley, that's not an actual segment." Trent said.

"It is now!"

Blaineley picked up the set remote control and pressed one of the buttons, causing large metal straps to come out from behind the interviewee couch and hold Noah, Emily and Lindsay's arms in place. Then metal straps came out from under the seats of said couch and gripped Noah, Emily and Lindsay's legs, spreading them apart and holding them in place.

"The rules are simple. If any of you lies, the couch will let me know and after that...it's crotch shot time." Blaineley threatened.

All three gulped nervously.

"Wait. How does that work?" Brady asked. "Girls don't have kiwis...I think."

"They don't." Beth assured him.

"No, they have laser blasters." Noah snarked.

"Awesome!" Brady cheered.

"What do you see in this guy again?" Eva asked Beth.

"He's hunky." Beth answered.

"Right."

"OK. First question." Blaineley said. "Noah. Do you use sarcasm all the time to hide the fact that you're a _loser_?"

"No, I use sarcasm as a means to demonstrate my intellectual superiority over the idiots that surround me on a daily basis." Noah answered.

The detector did not react in any way.

"Damn it!" Blaineley exclaimed. "Fine! But you still have a lot of masked insecurity!"

"Despite that not being a question, no. No, I don't. In case you didn't notice, I have a pretty high opinion of myself." Noah answered. "Did you not notice that, Ray Charles?"

"So you still wanna be a smartass, eh?"

"_Eh_? Have you been taking elocution lessons from Zeke over there?"

"OK, smart boy. Time for the big guns. Have you done it?"

"Excuse me."

"You know. Done it down and dirty. Made the beast with two backs. Gotten your rocks off." Blaineley queried, with increasing maliciousness at each euphemism.

Noah briefly glared at the sinister TV personality before suddenly smiling in his usual snarky, condescending fashion.

"The specificities of my amorous conduct could be interpreted as satisfactory by the moral and social standards that I uphold myself to." He replied.

Blaineley stared at him in confusion.

"What the hell does that mean?!" She yelled.

"What it means is irrelevant. What matters is that it's true." He said, grinning widely.

"Good handling." Emily complimented him.

"Simple word usage." He replied. "Linguistic prowess that a less sophisticated mind couldn't hope to comprehend."

"Oh yeah?! Comprehend this!" Blaineley yelled, before giving Noah a swift kick to the kiwis.

Noah yelped in pain, his face writhing in suffering while his girlfriend, the blonde, the musician and the Peanut Gallery flinched in empathy.

"Honey, are you OK?" Emily asked concerned.

"Been...better." Noah gasped out.

"What do you have to say now, smartass?"

"Your aggression only proves your own lack of knowledge, since you found yourself compelled towards brute force to conceal your stupidity."

"Conceal this!"

Blaineley delivered another, more forceful blow to Noah's privates and the bookworm howled in pain once again.

"You know, I think you're breaking the rules by doing this." Noah muttered.

"Next question!" Blaineley barked at him, ignoring his comment.

Blaineley stood still for a few seconds and then looked confused all of a sudden.

"I can't think of any more questions." She muttered.

"Maybe we could take in a video caller!" Trent suggested suddenly, hoping a video caller could ease the tension. "A video caller could have a good question."

"Fine." The blonde woman muttered.

Blaineley sat back down on the interviewer's couch.

"OK, we have a video caller." Trent said, reading from the small screen on the coffee table in front of the interviewer's couch. "Dan from Los Angeles, California."

Blaineley grabbed the stage control and pressed a button, causing the screen above them to turn on. Suddenly, a pale-skinned, late twenty-something man appeared on screen, screaming.

"THIS SHOW IS IMPLAUSIBLE!" He screamed.

The man in question had the aforementioned pale-skin, as well as jet-black hair and a rather short-stature. He wore rattled, old jeans and a black t-shirt which had the word "JERK" spelled out in white, capital, block letters.

"What?" Trent and Blaineley asked in confused unison.

"How is it possible for all of you to be able to sing perfect rhyme schemes to a melody you've never even heard before or to sing parts _in unison_ that you have never rehearsed?! HOW I SAY?! HOW?!" Dan yelled, indignant.

"Maybe we're all just very good at improv." Justin suggested.

"I know I have mad improv skills." Harold added. "I can improvise while I theorize about how to Monopolize the attention of...of...of the audience's eyes while I...What else rhymes with 'eyes'?"

"Ice." LeShawna answered.

"Baby, you can't rhyme a word with itself." Harold said.

"No, Harold, I said..."

"SILENCE!" Dan yelled once more.

Everybody obeyed in terror.

"You expect me to believe that somebody as mentally incapacitated as Lindsay could improvise lyrics without practice?! Poppycock! POPPYCOCK! You are all in cahoots! This program is nothing more than a plethora of _lies_! It is all scripted and faked for the purpose of entertainment, faking a reality and insulting the audience by making said reality completely unbelievable and still expect them to believe it! The insolence! The hubris! The gall! THE UNMITIGATED _GALL_!"

"Excuse me." Blaineley cut in. "Don't you have any questions to humiliate Noah?"

"What?"

"Questions. To humiliate. Noah."

"No." Dan replied. "Why would I wanna do that? He's the only one of these jerks that I like. He reminds me of me."

"I'll try to take that as a compliment." Noah muttered.

"Oh, come on! You don't have anything mildly embarrassing that you wanna ask him?!" Blaineley yelled.

"Well, there is one thing." Dan said, putting his finger to his chin. "Why did you kiss Cody in season one?"

Noah's smug grin dropped like a cinderblock.

"Huh?"

"You kissed a guy in season one?" Emily asked her boyfriend, grinning sheepishly.

"I did not!"

The lying buzzer went off and Blaineley smiled as she promptly kicked Noah's nards once more. Noah flinched in pain.

"I did not exactly." He groaned. "I was asleep and it was on the ear."

"But why?" Dan asked.

"I don't know."

The buzzer went off again and Noah's kiwis were struck again.

"I was dreaming of a specific person whose name will not be revealed under any circumstances short of waterboarding." Noah squeaked.

"That could be arranged..." Blaineley mused.

"No, it can't." Trent cut in.

"Fine. I got enough fun out of this game anyway." Blaineley sighed.

The blonde woman picked up the stage control and pressed a button, releasing the three interviewees from their binds.

"Game's over." Blaineley said.

"Aww, but I didn't get to play." Lindsay whined, obvliviously.

"Oh...poor you." Noah groaned sardonically while clutching his crotch.

"I didn't know you were a little bicurious." Emily teased him.

"Right now I'm a little bi-furious." Noah groaned.

"OK people, we're gonna cut to commercials here and when we return, we'll be seeing our most dramatic guest yet...Gwen!" Blaineley exclaimed.

Trent swallowed nervously. Blaineley noticed this and grinned maliciously.

"Don't touch that dial and we'll be right back!"

"'Don't touch that dial'? Did I get kicked so hard that I fell into 1961?"

"Shut up, Noah!"

* * *

A black screen appears and white text appears on it while a narrator reads the text.

"Are you tired of listening to the same classic popular songs sung by the same original artist every time?"

The screen flashes to a random, confused-looking guy.

"Yes?"

The screen cuts away from the random guy and back to the text.

"Well, no more."

Now the screen cuts to a picture of Chef Hatchet dressed in a tuxedo and holding a microphone (but still wearing his chef hat).

"Introducing talented new singer, Chef Hatchet, and his new album '_Chef's Classics_', where Chef Hatcher reinterprets all your favorite classic songs. Like:"

An ascending list of songs appears on-screen. Every fifth song listed (and underlined) is accompanied by a brief clip of Hatchet poorly singing the song off-key.

**My Way**

**Only You**

**New York, New York**

**Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You**

**Yellow Submarine**

**Fuck Tha Police**

**Wonderful Tonight**

**Light My Fire**

**Every Breath You Take**

**Like a Virgin**

**Satisfaction**

**Bohemian Rhapsody**

**Wonderwall**

**One Night in Bangkok**

**You Belong With Me**

"...And many more!" The narrator says.

The screen cuts to Chef.

"'_Chef's Classics_' an unforgettable record by an unforgettable artist." The narrator concludes. "Now only 19,99."

"Buy my damn album, maggots!" Chef yells at the camera.

Cut to static.

* * *

The camera flashed back to the Aftermath Studio, where now Trent's restrains had been reduced to just a chain attached to his right leg, while Noah, Emily and Lindsay's hands had been cuffed behind their backs and gags had been placed on their mouthes.

"You've gone off deep, Blaineley." Trent muttered.

"Do you wanna go off deep into the shark tank?" Blaineley asked menacingly.

Blaineley lifted up the Aftermath stage remote control and showed them to Trent, pointing to the button with a picture of a shark fin on it. Trent glared at her and the woman faced the camera again, putting the remote control on the edge of the coffee table in front of her.

"Now we're gonna bring out our final guest for the night...the most controversial of them all!" Blaineley exclaimed. "She dumped her boyfriend because he thought she had the hots for some other guy. She did and she stole that guy from her new best friend. Give it up for Gwen!"

Half of the audience applauded and the other half booed as the camera shifted to the right edge of the stage, awaiting the entrance of Gwen. However, the goth girl did not show.

"Give it up for Gwen!" Blaineley repeated.

The audience cheers and boos repeated as well, but Gwen still did not show.

"Give it up for Gwen, I said!" Blaineley yelled, now exasperated.

The audience did not react this time, as Gwen still failed to appear.

"Where the hell is that little idiot?!" Blaineley growled. "I'm gonna go get her."

"Um, Blaineley...I think it's best if I go get her." Trent cut in.

"Why?!"

"Because if she doesn't want to come out of the green room, it's probably better if one of her friends coaxes her out rather than...well, the woman threatening her friends with death." Trent answered.

Blaineley pondered this for a few seconds.

"Fine. Make it snappy."

The host woman reached into her cleavage to extract a key and then used it to unlock Trent leg shackle, allowing him to walk off-stage. Unnoticed by Blaineley, who immediately turned to face the camera again, Trent sneakily swiped the Aftermath stage remote control and slipped it into the waist of his pants, covering the upper half of it with his shirt.

Trent made his way backstage and to the green room door, which he knocked on softly.

"Trent, I am not going out there." Gwen replied simply. "I've seen all the crap she's been trying to pull from the TV here. I am not going out."

Trent sighed.

"Gwen. There is nothing she can do to you." Trent answered.

"Yes she can. I did something awful and I've been paying for it ever since and she's going to make me feel even more awful about it." Gwen replied.

"Gwen, you already apologized to Courtney. You've settled everything." Trent reassured her. "There's nothing she can actually do to you except be petty and remind you of your mistakes, which you already made amends for."

"I haven't made _all_ the amends for it, Trent."

Trent smiled comprehensively.

"You don't owe anyone anything, Gwen. I understand."

Trent paused to hear for a second, but didn't get a reply. He did hear some footsteps and then saw the door opening and Gwen standing in front of him.

"You have to stop being so nice, Trent." Gwen said, smiling shyly. "Somebody's gonna take advantage."

"I'm nice but I'm not stupid, Gwen." Trent said, smiling back. "I know who to trust."

"You trusted me."

"I still trust you...And it wasn't a mistake. Come on. It's time for the final battle." Trent said.

"Battle?"

Trent lifted up his shirt slightly to show the remote control.

"I have a plan." He said. "You distract her and follow my lead."

Gwen looked at Trent in amused surprise and smiled deviously.

"Cool."

As Gwen and Trent entered the stage, the audience proceeded to boo and cheer savagely. While they and Blaineley were busy with Gwen, Trent slipped Noah the remote control behind his back, placing his thumb on the Aftermath Claw motion button and then delivered a quick, quiet instruction.

"Use your thumb to move the Aftermath Claw. Place it over Blaineley and when I signal you, press the button under your pinkie to drop it."

He swiftly moved away and Noah began to carefully held onto the remote, waiting for the show to resume so that he could start moving the claw while Blaineley was distracted.

"Well Gwen, it's certainly been an eventful season for you on Total Drama." Blaineley began. "You managed to betray both your ex and your new best friend by making out with the same guy. Two birds with one stone! Pretty impressive! So much so that people are calling you the New Heather!"

"To a catty media-psycho like you, no doubt it is." Gwen snapped back.

"Now Gwen, you gotta have the moral high-ground to judge others and between me and you, only one of us stole our friend's boyfriend."

"I apologized and made things right, Blaineley."

"Yeah but it's still not enough, isn't it Heather? I mean Gwen...isn't it, Gwen? Huh? You still hurt Courtney and you still ruined her relationship with Duncan." Blaineley added. "Before she found out about your kiss they still had a chance and you killed that."

"I..."

"She didn't know that." Trent cut in.

Blaineley turned to Trent, glaring at him in annoyance for having ruined her killing blow.

"Excuse me?"

"She didn't know that Duncan and Courtney could get back together." He answered. "From where she was standing they were over and done with each other. Sure, what she did wasn't _noble_ but it wasn't mean-spirited and she didn't know she was tearing them apart. She thought they were already apart."

"So you're defending her? The girl who broke your heart and left you in misery to run off with a handsome, way-manlier than you bad boy?" Blaineley sneered. "You know? The bad boy that you knew she was into but she denied it? The one she lied to you about? That she had the hots for all along and betrayed your for? Lied to you for? Played you for? You're defending that girl?"

With every word Trent go visibly more upset but he choked back his issues with Gwen. There would be time to sort those out later, when they weren't on a TV show. He still had to find a way to distract Blaineley long enough for Noah to get the claw in place. From the brief glimpses he'd taken, Noah was moving it slowly but surely towards Blaineley but some time still needed to be bought and buy it he would.

"I do defend her." He spat out. "Because she made mistakes. We all do. Sure, hers were big, big mistakes and sometimes she might have had some malice while doing them...especially when she made out with Duncan right in front of Courtney to piss her off...that was particularly mean...uncharacteristically, drastically mean..."

"Trent! Not helping!"

"Sorry."

"It's helping my ratings, darling." Blaineley teased. "Besides, can't blame him for the truth."

"And that is the truth." Trent added.

"Trent!"

"Wait. Let me finish." Trent said. "It is the truth. What Gwen did was, as I said, uncharacteristically mean. She never acted like that before. It was a mistake. She's a nice girl."

"Please! Loner, goth, drama queen over there?! Nice?! That's crap!" Blaineley groaned.

"Like you're in a position to talk about being nice." Gwen snarked.

"I'm nicer than you."

"Which is why you kidnapped an entire TV show's cast, crew and studio audience." Gwen snarked back. "Also why you spent your whole career making fun of people more famous and talented than you when they slip up. Blaineley, you're nothing but a forty-something hasbeen hack!"

"**Forty**-something?!" Blaineley roared. "I'm thirty, you goth skank!"

"Not according to your very, very brief Wikipedia article." Harold pointed out, holding his smartphone. "Which by the way, is very critical of you. Kinda odd considering the whole neutrality policy."

"I told that useless agent of mine to screen the main sources of info on the Internet for bad references to me and then get them deleted!" Blaineley yelled in anger.

"It says here that your agent quit on you three days ago." Harold answered.

"OK, that ungrateful bastard might have quit on me and called all other agents in Canada and the US to make sure I never worked again...but that's no issue." Blaineley choked out.

"The prospect of never working again is no issue?" Gwen snickered. "Probably didn't have anything with you kidnapping us for media attention either, right?"

"Shut up!"

Trent looked up to see the claw getting closer to Blaineley.

"Hey! This article also says your real name isn't Blaineley!" Harold exclaimed.

"Oh no."

"It's Mildred!"

"Mildred?!" Exclaimed everyone on stage, holding back laughter.

Those attempts at holding back laughter vanished in micro-seconds as not only those on stage, but the entire studio burst out into laughter.

"Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!" Blaineley yelled, desperate and about to burst into tears. "It was my mom's fault! She named me after my stupid old, grandma! And she never paid attention to me when I was a kid! She never hugged me..."

"Well, that explains a lot." Gwen snarked.

Blaineley snapped towards the goth girl.

"SHUT UP, YOU WEIRD GOTH GIRL!" Blaineley screamed, standing up and inadvertently placing herself closer to the approaching claw.

"And you called me the 'New Heather'?" Gwen snarked. "You're done with, Mildred."

"DON'T YOU CALL ME THAT!"

More laughter exploded from the audience. Blaineley snapped over to them and screamed for them to stop. As more laughter emerged from the Peanut Gallery and the backstage crew, Blaineley yelled at them as well. The laughter and the mockery increased and increased exponentially until Blaineley screamed in unrelenting fury and snapped.

"YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?! LET'S SEE HOW FUNNY IT IS WHEN YOU'RE ALL OBLITERATED!" She screamed, pulling out the Aperture Science device she'd brought in.

"Blaineley wait!" Trent yelled.

"WHAT?!"

"Before you do that, there's one more thing you have to do." He answered.

"What's that?!"

"Watch out."

"Huh?"

"Noah! Now!"

The bookworm nodded and promptly pressed down with his pinkie, hitting the release claw button. The claw creaked as it's support went unrestrained and it plummeted downwards on the stage. Blaineley looked up just in time to see the Aftermath claw strike her, knocking her down and pinning her to the floor as the claw's pointy "fingers" buried themselves on the stage's hardwood floor, forming a cage of sorts that held Blaineley down. The Aperture device was knocked out of her hand and landed just out of her reach. While she tried desperately to grab it, Trent stepped forward and crushed it with his foot.

"NO!" Blaineley yelled in desperation.

"It's over...Mildred." Trent said, dropping a one-liner.

Trent picked up the key that had fallen out of Blaineley's dress and quickly used it to release all the contestants chained to the interviewee couch and the Peanut Gallery. Immediately afterwards, loud steps crashed through the halls outside the studio and suddenly several police officers burst in, rushing towards the stage.

"What's going on?!" Parker snapped, waking up, still tied to the claw.

"It appears we conveniently passed out while we weren't necessary to the plot." Vlad answered, waking up as well.

"Happens all the time." Noah snarked, pulling off the gag Blaineley had placed on his mouth.

"We're with the RCMP!" One of the police officers exclaimed. "We've been waiting outside since Blaineley took the studio, waiting for the opportunity to enter as soon as the plot was already resolved and thus didn't need us anymore."

"Also happens all the time." Noah added.

"Now get her out of that claw so we can take her away." One officer said.

"This woman has a nice padded room waiting for her in the Toronto Mental Asylum for the Mentally Assailed In The Brain Place." Another officer added.

"Currently the only mental institution in the world to hold two Guinness records. One for most unnecessarily long name and another for dumbest name." Noah snickered.

The officers glared at the bookworm and he rolled his eyes before pressing the lift button on the Aftermath claw, causing it to raise off the ground. Blaineley tried to bolt away but was tripped by Gwen before she could get too far.

"Goth whore!" Blaineley grunted.

"Hasbeen, soon-to-be institutionalized skank." Gwen replied.

The police officers picked Blaineley off the ground and began dragging her away while she kicked and screamed.

"You haven't seen the last of Blaineley Stacey Andrews O'Halloran! I'll be back!"

"No, you won't." Noah snarked.

"See ya Mildred!" Gwen teased.

"SHUT UP!"

With those words, the officers dragged Blaineley out of the studio. Immediately, the audience and the Peanut Gallery burst into cheers.

"What just happened there?" Beth asked. "How did the claw drop on her?"

"Trent stole the claw control, gave it to me and told me to position it over Blaineley while he distracted her." Noah explained.

"Alright Trent!" Harold exclaimed.

"Well played, skinny!" LeShawna added.

"Three cheers for Trent, eh!" Ezekiel exclaimed.

The audience and the cast members cheered for the musician, who just blushed in embarrassment.

"Thanks guys." He mumbled. "Somebody had to stop her before she went all Izzy on us."

"And you did great." Gwen congratulated him. "You're great."

"Thanks."

"Did you really mean all the stuff you said?"

"Every word of it."

"Thanks...I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Um, guys, not to be rude but we're running short on run time and if we exceed our limit, the network fines us." Parker cut in.

"Oh...OK. Well folks, that's all for this episode of Total Drama Aftermath. Tune in next time and also tune in for Total Drama World Tour...or else you're not gonna understand what happens on this show. Bye!"

* * *

**I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry about the very, very, very, very, very, very, very long delay. I had some setbacks in my private life and this chapter just required a lot of re-writing. Also sorry that there was no song in this one but I couldn't find a place to fit in one where it wouldn't be forced.**

**Hopefully the next chapter will be easier to write.**

**Gracias Totales,  
Mr. Panama Red.**


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